Original subtitles

This is the transport?

Yes.

What do you think?

Uh... I feel bad.

Why?

Because I've eaten camel before.

CAMEL GROWLS

How do you cook a camel?

Braise it.

Ah, so it's like a long...

Can have this conversation

away from the camels?

Well, listen... It's Christmas...

CAMEL GROWLS

Shit.

LAUGHTER

They're all getting up!

Now, how are we gonna get up there?

CAMEL GROWLS

He doesn't like you.

GINO LAUGHS

CAMEL GROWLS

LAUGHS

Can you take a picture of us three?

ALL: Happy Christmas!

LAUGHS

'Gino D'Acampo, Fred Sirieix

'and I are on a festive,

culinary adventure.'

Gino!

"Come to Jerusalem to celebrate

Christmas with me." Really?

'Thanks to a classic

D'Acampo cock-up, we're in...

'Morocco.'

I like it. Not the most obvious

choice for a Christmas getaway.

It's a cobra!

Mind the donkey on the

left and the car on the right.

SCREAMING

'But, as always,

'we'll be seeking out

the very best ingredients.'

How's the eyeball?

Disgusting.

'The warmest hospitality...'

Can you make 5,000 of those?

'..And Yuletide cheer.'

You have to be kidding me.

Merry Christmas.

CHEERS

'Three amigos.'

LAUGHS

'Three big egos.'

I hate turkey.

What?!

You're not cooking it properly.

'Back in the saddle, again.'

On my fork?

Yeah.

SCREAMS

LAUGHTER

# We three Kings of Orient are. #

"Would you like to come to Jerusalem

for Christmas?" Great idea, Gino.

Oui, the land of the three kings!

So why on earth

are we in the middle of Morocco?

Oh, come on.

I got good deals on the tickets.

What a doughnut.

CAMEL GROWLS

Why don't you just

embrace the Christmas in Morocco?

Brahim, how do you celebrate

Christmas in Morocco?

CAMEL GROWLS

Yeah, what's wrong with that?

A lot's wrong with it.

CAMEL GROWLS

Oh, this one is kicking!

Listen, we are in Morocco.

Here, the food is fantastic.

We gonna embrace the culture,

it's gonna be amazing.

'Thanks to Gino,

'our journey starts in the foothills

of the Atlas Mountains.'

We are heading north,

through the Agafay Desert,

to Morocco's cultural capital,

Marrakesh.

Home to the famous Medina.

It's very uncomfortable.

MOCKS ACCENT: Uncomfortable?

LAUGHS

Uncomfortable.

CAMEL GROWLS

Whoa! Holy shit.

"Fancy Christmas in Jerusalem?"

Really?

Listen, guys, Christmas is not about

where you are.

Christmas is about the people

you are with.

And I love the fact

that I am with you two at Christmas.

'These ships of the desert

can walk all day without stopping.

'Us? Not so much.'

Gino, I'm surprised

you haven't moaned yet.

I tell you what,

my testicles are killing me.

Have you ever got lost

in the desert, Brahim?

Wow.

My legs are killing me, Gino.

How much further to go? Seriously.

I need a wee.

Where are we going?

# Joy to the world

# The Lord is come. #

'Arab and Berber tribespeople have

been living in the Agafay Desert

'for thousands of years.'

'We'll never get to Marrakesh

before nightfall.

'We can only hope

there's some room at the inn.'

Gino. I've trapped one of my balls.

This is the worst bit for me.

GROANS

Shit.

CAMEL GROWLS

LAUGHTER

SPEAKS ARABIC

Bonjour.

Nice to see you.

SPEAKS ARABIC

Bonjour, Madame. May we take our...?

SPEAKS ARABIC

BRAHIM TRANSLATING:

Thank you. We're honoured

to be here. Thank you.

How old is the house?

A hundred years.

Wow.

Who is the best cook here?

No, not you!

We are talking about the family.

Little lady.

Do you cook? Ask her if she cooks?

No.

Nothing?

SPEAKS ARABIC

Thank you.

To pay him back, it'd be nice

to cook and help with dinner.

Where are we sleeping, please?

Wow. Nice.

Thank you.

So this is the kitchen?

Is there... like, like, a larder?

Gotcha.

Gordon!

LAUGHS

What is that?

That's what you're having tonight.

LAUGHS

How does this work?

GRUNTS

GRUNTS

Oh, it's so hard.

GROANS

How do you put these poles up?

Some cumin, tomatoes.

'My contribution to dinner

is a local fish, tilapia,

'cooked with ingredients

I raided from the larder.'

What you put in, lemon?

So, preserved lemon...

Yeah?

...some rosemary, some garlic,

yeah. Just inside.

My daughter, she's the same age,

seven years old,

and she already cooks.

OK, so

we can do this together, then.

We want to put all the...

Can I talk?

Do you need to make all this noise?

I'm chopping garlic!

What's wrong with you?

We need to put all the almonds...

We need to put all the dried fruits

in there

and then we mix it and we make it

into a... a sweet bread.

Yes.

I can't hold them up!

I have never done anything

like this in my life.

Et voila.

Not great.

So this fish

is gonna be grilled.

I'm just worried that it's not gonna

feed us all. ls there any meat?

SPEAKS ARABIC

Oh, we have meat, then.

Wow. Has it got the brains in there?

Being here, it makes you realise

that we have

far too many things in life.

Can she say brava?

Brava.

Brava!

People could very happily live in

a place like this, in this desert,

where there is nothing.

If your family are together,

everybody's happy.

Egg wash?

Si.

LAUGHING: Egg wash?

Did you see any eggs?

I heard a chicken.

GORDON LAUGHS

Just one.

One, just to brush.

She hides her eggs?

She hides her eggs.

Oh, my goodness me.

You got it?

Yeah. In the wardrobe.

GINO LAUGHS

Merci.

If you glaze this, it's gonna

come out so beautiful.

The problem is the flour

that they use.

LAUGHTER

ls important.

A little bit of oil on the bottom,

just not to stick.

How do we turn the gas up?

LAUGHTER

What's that, there?

The poo of the goats.

Goat shit.

We put the goat poo

in there, as well?

LS it?

Oh, OK.

Some... some poo.

The shit is in.

What are you doing?!

This is the old style of living,

you know, in this desert

and they're happy.

It's pretty remarkable.

We are gonna eat together,

there, around that very fire,

I mean, this is proper hospitality.

Oh, wow. This looks beautiful.

Oh, grazie.

Fantastic. Thank you.

This is a wonderful treat.

Back home, we'd be getting

ready with turkeys and beef

and this is completely different.

Look at the children's faces.

If I give this to my kids, they

would never talk to me again.

Right.

Oh, really?

This is gonna be like

a Bushtucker Trial.

It's for me.

LAUGHS

For Gordon?

No, for you,

listen to him! Yeah.

What did he get, the dick?

LAUGHS

It's the head.

Oh, OK.

You don't have that in the head.

Unless you're a dickhead.

LAUGHTER

Merci beaucoup.

Do we say, uh, grace?

Bismillah. Bismillah.

Bismillah.

Thank you.

I've got a... I've got a cheek.

The sheep head's delicious.

Really good.

Oh, my God.

How's the eyeball?

Disgusting.

SPEAKS ARABIC

Has Mustapha.

Can I ask Grandad,

how was the fish?

Number one?

Thank you.

Shall we have the sweet bread?

You like it.

Bueno?

Brava. See, she talks Italian, now.

So, every Christmas and New Year,

we would clink glasses and go...

"Cheers."

Salute.

Thank you.

ALL:

Merry Christmas.

Merry Desert Christmas.

This is where we're gonna sleep.

Seriously?

What do you mean we're gonna sleep?

This is all open, man.

What is this bag?

It's Christmas decoration,

I got all the Christmas decoration,

so then

it looks like it's Christmas.

Where are you going, now?

I need to go for a wee

and I'm getting changed.

# It's beginning to look

A lot like Christmas. #

What kind of decoration

did you have, Gordon,

when you were at home,

when you were a boy?

Chocolate Santas

and gingerbread men.

# But the prettiest sight to see

# ls the holly that will be

# On your own front door. #

You have to be kidding me.

It's warm and it's cosy.

I don't care.

LAUGHS

The shoes!

Come round here,

I want you to go on my shoulders

and then you can go

on the top of the tree.

Are you kidding me?

This is gonna look beautiful,

Gordon.

Oh, the eyeball is repeating on

me. Don't you dare fart.

LAUGHTER

I got the eyeballs coming out.

You keep that in that fucking

onesie, don't you dare.

Get him down, get him down!

Look, guys, there is a star,

as well. Look!

These people,

they may not celebrate Christmas,

but we definitely brought

Christmas to Morocco!

How about that?

# It's beginning to look

a lot like Christmas. #

I used to love it

when it snowed at Christmas,

because that really confirmed

that Father Christmas

was literally en route.

Gordon, can I have

some of the quilt?

You seriously only had one

flipping job to do!

Fucking hell. Useless!

CAMEL GROWLS

# You better watch out

# You better not cry

# You better not pout

I'm telling you why

# Gordon, Gino and Fred

are in town. #

LAUGHS

Ready, boys?

Oh, yes.

# He sees you when you're sleeping

# He knows when you're awake

# He knows if you've been

Bad or good,

# So be good, for goodness sake.

# Oh, oh, oh. #

CAR BEEPS

LAUGHTER

Ohhhh!

Gordon, Gordon, Gordon!

Don't antagonise the locals, please!

CARS BEEP

'After our debacle

in the desert,

'thank God we've been reunited

with our trusty camper van.'

Let's not get arrested. But you're

supposed to be navigating.

'We are heading into Marrakesh's

old town, or Medina.

'I'm trying to find the main square,

jemaa el-Fnaa'

You know where we are going, right?

SATNAV SPEAKS ARABIC

I've no... You're supposed

to be on the satnav.

This is all in Arabic.

I have no idea what this thing says.

BEEPS

How am I gonna navigate

if it says Arab, Arabic.

Stop whingeing, it's Christmas,

what's wrong with you two?

BEEPING

THEY SCREAM

My friend...

Oh, my lord.

Shit.

Gordon, Gordon, Gordon, Gordon!

Can you focus on staying

in the middle of the road?

I'm trying, the bikes

are on the inside!

I'm feeling anxious.

BEEPING

Mind the donkey on the left

and the car on the right.

GINO IMITATES HONKING

There's no structure.

What is called?

Jemaa el-Fnaa? jemaa el-Fnaa.

My friend!

Jemaa elf... Ah-fina.

Jemaa el- Fnaa.

Jemaa el... hell... Fnaa.

He says straight, straight.

Right. This looks like it over here.

Oh, this must be this.

Look at that.

It's like a festival of colours.

This is amazing.

Look at the colour of the food.

Can we park this van,

I want to go and walk now.

You know, this place,

jemaa el-Fnaa. Yes.

It used to be the place where public

executions took place. What?!

Yeah. The name of the place means

The Assembly Of The Dead.

They used to chop

all the heads here!

'It's not my first time in Morocco.

'I fell in love with this country

years ago.

'But, I think the boys are in for a

shock, because it is pandemonium.'

'You've gotta be on your toes.'

Gino is not fast-thinking

and Fred, well, God bless him,

you know, he's not the sharpest tool

in the box.

Oh, look, snakes!

Oh, my lord.

Oh, to hell!

Oh! Ask if they bite.

Yeah, they bite!

Biting his head.

Yeah. Why would you do that?

It's almost like a performing zoo,

but it's their culture.

It's how they survive.

This is crazy!

Oh, shoot, he just got a bite.

Ask if they're poison.

Shit, no!

LAUGHS

No way, no, no.

No way am I doing that.

SCREAMS

What's going on here?

Watch out, watch out, watch out.

Oh, fuck that.

CHANTS

It's a cobra! It's a cobra!

Shit, shit, shit.

LAUGHS

Oh, my God. Here he goes again.

'Fred dives into things

without thinking.'

Finally, I think Fred's got balls.

Gordon!

Oh, my God, no, no, no.

I was petrified.

Pet-ri-fied!

But, at the end of the day,

somebody's gotta step up and show

these two clowns how it's done.

APPLAUSE

I was fucking shitting myself.

Huh?

Shitting myself.

Is it me or this place

is full of knick-knack?

It's incredible.

It's almost like walking

through a postcard. Ready?

'My slightly unhinged friends and I

'had made it to Marrakesh,

'the city that Churchill described

'as the Paris of the Sahara.

'Of course,

Gino wants to rock the Kasbah.'

Shall we do some shopping?

What are you looking for?

I want to get a belly dancer costume

for my wife.

Can you imagine?

No. No, I cannot.

Hey, that's what you wanted.

I want you to just model for me

for a sec.

Move a little bit.

That's it. I like it.

800?

Tell him I'll get another wife.

I'm gonna put Gino inside, rub it.

Hopefully he'll pop out

a bigger man.

Look at the magic carpet.

Look at this.

What are these, spices?

It's like being in a doctor's.

Have you got something for...?

Oh, Jesus. I need

a Christmas present for my wife.

OK.

Pfft! That stinks.

How does it work?

Oh, my God.

Ping? So, three bags of that,

and three bags of that, please.

Is this female Viagra, is it legal?

Of course.

He's shy.

We'll take it for you, Gordon.

Don't worry.

What kind of Christmas is this?

Spice up your Christmas, my friend.

My life does not need spicing.

Mr Boring Ramsay.

B-O-R-l-N-G.

We're supposed to be looking

for lamb, mechoui lamb.

'We were on the hunt for

the best lamb in Marrakesh

'after a tip-off

from our host in the desert.'

How do know where to find it?

It's in Mechoui Alley.

OK, let's go.

And we have to ask for Mustapha.

Mustapha?

Mustapha.

Bonjour, Monsieur.

Mustapha?

Merck.

Look, there's a sign there.

Mustapha.

THEY SPEAK FRENCH

Gordon. Gino.

Hello. How are you doing?

HE SPEAKS FRENCH

He says we can try the

royal mechoui of Marrakesh here.

'People come from miles around

for Mustapha's mechoui

'or spit roast.

'He slow-roasts the whole lamb

and sells up to 40 a day.'

THEY SPEAK FRENCH

It's 50 years he's been working here

doing the mechoui.

His father and his grandfather

were here cooking mechoui.

How'd you get a lamb

like that cooked?

HE SPEAKS FRENCH

They've got an oven.

Where?

Just behind.

Stop it. Where?

May I?

Oh, my God. Wow.

Two hours?

Two hours?

No salt, no spices.

Nothing?

There's about 12 lamb

underneath in that oven there.

I'm hungry.

Oh, my Lord. And what's

the seasoning there, what is it?

HE SPEAKS FRENCH

Oh, wow.

Don't put too much.

What are you doing?

I don't need any seasoning.

This looks incredible.

Nice and flat.

Oh, my God.

FRED SPEAKS FRENCH

Delicious.

Best lamb I had.

Best lamb.

Flaky. Simple.

So tender and succulent.

For me, you'd serve this

quality of lamb in a restaurant.

I can see this on the menu

at the Savoy. Delicious.

HE SPEAKS FRENCH

He said he's so happy to meet

a proper chef for the first time.

Let me pay.

HE SPEAKS FRENCH

GORDON SPEAKS FRENCH

GINO SPEAKS ARABIC

That has to be the best lamb

I've ever tasted.

Better than anything

in Gino's Bar and Grill.

I am going to make

a beautiful mulled wine.

I've got a few olives. What about

a nice tapenade with bruschetta?

We're just having toast?

Olives on toast, that's it?

It's tapenade on bruschetta.

So black olives, green olives.

Then fresh garlic.

I put a touch of mint

and harissa paste.

Thank you. Salute.

Salute.

A slice of toast.

Let's relax.

Nice.

Why is it so salty?

It's not salty at all.

That is salty as anything.

Take the criticism.

As a chef, you just need

to know where to draw the line.

It's salty.

I've got a present for you.

What is it?

I got it in the market.

For somebody who doesn't like

tapenade on bruschetta,

you're doing quite well, aren't you?

He always complains

when I cook something.

Then he eats everything.

I think he's getting old, that guy.

Well, he is 52.

No, he's 53. Fuck me.

HE LAUGHS

Are you...

Are you two...

Are you two for real?

We are ready.

LAUGHTER

This reminds me of Christmas

on my house.

Argument

and then we cuddle each other.

CALL TO PRAYER

MUSIC: 'jingle Bells'

# Dashing through the snow

# In a one-horse open sleigh

# O'er the fields we go

# Laughing all the way

LAUGHTER

Gordon, be careful of

that red light. It's flashing.

But then it goes off again.

It's fine. Relax.

How lucky are we to be here

in the middle of a saffron harvest?

Ho-ho-ho.

'Saffron can only be picked

for three weeks every year.

'Today we are heading

to the Ourika Valley

'in the foothills

of the Atlas mountains

'for the harvest of the world's

most expensive spice.'

Talking about expensive spices.

Yes.

What has been your most expensive

Christmas present that you received?

My one, if I tell you,

you won't believe me.

Go on.

My wife went to an auction

for charity.

Yes.

For £3,700,

one pubic hair from Madonna.

What?

That's disgusting.

It comes in a transparent box

in a nice frame.

It's about this long.

What colour was it?

It's a bit like your colour.

Blond?

Well...

It's come back on again.

Now it's gone back off again.

The light.

What have you done?

I don't know.

The red light has come on now.

It says stop.

Don't go in the ditch.

You're on the ditch.

It said stop.

Shit. Now it's fucked.

Try and turn it on. Try.

CLICKING

Just lock it.

See, we are here.

And we need to get there.

Right.

It's a flipping long way.

We're supposed to be picking

saffron, and look at you two.

Why are you going so fast?

Why? Cos I hate hanging around.

Let's go for a light jog.

No. No.

Come on, Gino.

My shoes are not good for that.

What are you doing?

LAUGHTER

I'm doing the Italian jog.

Oh, Gordon.

Yes.

Look. The man with the donkey.

Bonjour.

FRED SPEAKS ARABIC

Hello.

Gino.

Now, see there?

Look.

Then left.

MAN SPEAKS ARABIC

He said, yes, OK. Thank you.

I'm gonna go there.

Gino.

Watch out, there's a goat

and three chickens.

# Just hear

Those sleigh bells jingling

# Ring-ting-tingling too

# Come on, its lovely weather

# For a sleigh ride

Together with you

BLEATS

"Come to Jerusalem

to celebrate Christmas with me."

Really?

We are together, right.

We are together.

That's the most important thing.

It's about being together

for Christmas.

# Giddy up, giddy up, giddy up

Let's go

# Let's look at the show

In a sort of funny way,

I'm happy that the van broke down.

Really? Why?

Because we're never going

to experience something like this.

It's like we've been back

2,000 years ago

# We're gliding along with a song

# Of a wintery fairyland

You know the name of saffron

comes from the Arabic "zafaran",

and it means "yellow".

Some people say

it's effective as a stimulant

for people who have ADHD.

What?

People who are hyperactive

like Gordon.

That's why I put saffron

in my coffee, that's why. Do you?

Yes.

CHICKEN CLUCKS

Are there any e995?

Argh!

CLUCKING

Gino.

Look, we're getting overtaken

by kids on bikes.

Bonjour.

Merry Christmas. Really?

I could walk faster.

# Jiflg ling Ji"9- #

How far now?

Every time I move, this pin changes.

Oh, my God.

Don't do that. I don't understand

what he says, either.

'We're in the foothills

of Morocco's Atlas Mountains,

'where, once again,

Gino the Genius has got us lost.

'If we manage to find

the saffron farm,

'I want to take some home and add

a twist to my Christmas stuffing.'

Christmas day, do you have turkey?

I...

hate turkey.

What?!

I really dislike...

I really, really don't like turkey.

You're not cooking it properly!

What do you mean I'm not cooking...

I've tried many recipes.

I've tried everything,

put the streaky bacon on top,

put the butter between.

Baste, baste, baste.

Yeah, but it's bland, it's dry!

It's not.

And let it rest

for as long as you cook it.

What about over there? Come on.

Bonjour!

SPEAKS FRENCH

SPEAKS FRENCH

'Finally.'

How are you, are you OK?

Hi, I'm Fred.

'Lynn Ducker moved to Morocco seven

years ago and started her farm,

'Zahor Saffron, by hand-planting

eight tons of crocus bulbs.

'She now produces some of the

highest-grade saffron in the world.'

Is it one unique flower

or can you get saffron from

different variety of flowers?

Like a four-leaf clover.

Why are they all women in the field?

Women are more delicate. I mean,

look at his sausage fingers.

LYNN LAUGHS

You could not pick up a saffron.

The only things you can pick up

is a fillet steak.

Trust me, I could pick up saffron.

This one here?

So beautiful. I've never

picked saffron before, ever.

# I'm just mad about saffron

# And saffron's mad about me. #

So that's what makes it

so expensive?

'A gram of saffron contains 500

threads and can sell for up to £75,

'making it more expensive

than gold.'

# They call me mellow yellow

# Quite right

# They call me mellow yellow. #

Gino!

What?

Stay in your lane! There is no

flowers in there. Stay...

You're not looking properly.

Look at the flowers you're missing.

You can't just pick

different people's lanes.

Guys, can I just let you know

there are some ladies

that are working in silence.

If people were screaming like this

in your kitchen, Gordon...

He's jumping over lanes,

you need to complete the lane.

You can't just go

where the flowers are, look!

I'm not deaf,

you don't have to shout.

Hello.

Can I take yours?

CLEARS THROAT

One second, I need another

tray, guys.

Excuse me,

you stole from the ladies!

You just went to the girl

over there. There is... No, no.

I have been breaking my back here

and that's all I got.

I haven't been talking.

Well, you're too slow.

And you are a cheater.

Is it true that saffron... uh

makes your willy go like ping!

LAUGHS

OK.

That's a nice sidecar.

That's a nice one?

Salaam alaikum. Bonjour.

'These Berber ladies extract a

staggering two million red threads

'every harvest.

Worth around £30,000.'

I feel very relaxed being here.

You can hear the bees,

it's very quiet and calm.

Why?

Now I understand

why it's so expensive,

because it's so time-consuming

and you need to have

all these hands working.

My God, what a labour of love

this is.

I have a four... strand.

One, two, three, four.

That means... good luck.

You've just ruined my Christmas.

LAUGHTER

I was all excited and then boom.

I'm scared, Gordon!

GORDON CHEERS

'With our camper out of fuel,

I've 'borrowed'

'this vintage Russian

motorbike and sidecar

'to get us back to Marrakesh.'

I can't see the map!

'If we can find it, that is.'

Turn right.

Gino, it's not right.

Yes, it is right!

No, it's not.

Look. That's where Marrakesh is.

Shit.

Guys, I lost the piece

that says Marrakesh.

Seriously?

Excuse me!

FRED WHISTLES

Salaam alaikum.

Excuse me, bonjour.

Marrakesh?

Marrakesh?

Back that way?

Over there.

Fucking hell.

Thank you.

He looks German!

LAUGHTER

We need to go right, now.

Are you sure this is the way?

That's what

the navigation system said.

GINO SPEAKS ITALIAN

I'm gonna die in Morocco.

I don't want to die.

What the fuck?

Ooh, la, la.

It was a stupid idea

with this three-wheeled car.

My nuts. Ooh!

I think we've got lost.

Right, there's a village there.

Slow down, there's goats everywhere.

Oh! Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Stop, stop, stop, stop.

Wait, wait, wait, wait.

GOATS BLEAT

Salaam alaikum.

Here. Allez, allez.

Allez, let's go! Beep beep.

GORDON LAUGHS

Which way to Marrakesh?

Follow the sheeps!

FRED SPEAKS FRENCH

Marrakesh?

Come on, jump up!

LAUGHTER

Jump! Jump!

EXCLAIMS

LAUGHTER

SCREAMS

LAUGHS

Come on, come on!

This is very dangerous!

My bum!

Two hours of this to Marrakesh!

BEEPS

Two hours!

# We three Kings

of a three-wheeled car!

# Bearing gifts

We travel so far

# Red and gold

And thought we are in Jordan!

# Follow the yonder star... #

Jordan?

MAKES RANDOM NOISES

Normally, I'd be putting the turkey

in, this time in the morning.

What would you be doing?

I watch Only Fools And Horses.

Christmas Day morning? You don't

help with the cooking? Not really.

Oh, I love that programme.

I watch Only Fools And Horses,

I sit there,

with a packet of cheese puff.

I like cheese puff.

'After our rough ride

back to Marrakesh,

'we've enjoyed a night

of relative luxury

'in a traditional riad guest house

in the medieval Medina.'

Smell?

Oh, wow.

Delicious.

I'm gonna go crazy on the saffron.

Oh, you're generous.

'I'm laying on a festive feast

with a distinctive Moroccan flavour

'for the three of us.'

I think it is great to have

this dish in Morocco, the tangia.

Everything in one pot,

nice and easy.

The fascinating thing

about THIS tangia,

with that saffron and that butter,

it doesn't need stock.

'The centrepiece of the meal

is a beef tangia,

'a dish that takes its name

from the urn-shaped pot

'that it's cooked in

'and traditionally prepared

by the man of the house.

'Naturally, that means me.'

Do you have, like a...

like a Christmas, you know...?

Ho-ho-ho, jingle my bells.

Oh, Christmas day morning?

I have a busy day Christmas Day.

LAUGHS

My sous chef needs to get his mind

out the gutter and onto the veg.

I'm just massaging all the spices

and the oil into the cauliflower,

so you get a fantastic colour

and flavour.

Right, tangia ready,

beetroot's ready.

Hot roasted cauliflower, done.

Now, this is gonna cook

in a unique way. Let's go.

I need to wash my hand first.

Before we can eat,

I need to find the oven.

We couldn't be any deeper

in the souk.

This is where all the locals come

for breakfast, lunch and dinner.

Which way?

Left, left, left, left.

Is it here?

Come here.

Are you sure

we are in the right place?

B0njour!

Bonjour. Salaam alaikum.

Come down, come down.

Now, this is the oven.

Ohh!

Feel that heat? Shit, that's hot.

Beetroot, there.

Just shuffle...

I love this country, it's like we

are going back to biblical time!

'These ancient community ovens

can be found all over the Medina,

'as most people who live here

don't have one at home.'

Whilst that's cooking slowly,

we're gonna have a hammam.

What's a hammam?

It's like a medieval spa, Gino.

See those pipes? This generates

all the steam into that hammam.

Traditionally, they would come here,

drop this off on Thursday night,

pick it up Friday morning

and literally have a hammam

in order to be super clean,

ready for a prayer day.

And it's all men?

Of course it's all men!

Time to bond. Come on.

Here, men, you know, they are very

affectionate with each other.

Very intimate. They held hands and

they do all these things together,

they cook the tangia,

they go to the hammam. Exactly.

You have no hair on your chest.

I know I've got no fucking hair

on my chest, I'm not a hairy person.

You don't have any hair!

Stop nipping it.

You wax?

No, I don't wax!

You shave?

No, I don't shave!

Do you use cream instead?

Cream?!

What's wrong with you two?

GREETINGS

This is beautiful.

That's for me?

'A full body exfoliation

and massage,

'the perfect Christmas treat

for metrosexual men like us.'

He's taking off my skin!

# I feel it in my fingers

SCREAMS

# I feel it in my toes

GROANS

GROANS

# Christmas is all around me

GROANING

# And so the feeling grows

PANTS

Oooohhhhh!

# So if you really love Christmas

# Come on and let it snow

Ah. Oh. Ah! Ooh!

# Come on and let it show! #

SHRIEKS

I have to say, Gordon, I don't think

that this is your best idea.

Hand me another plate, please.

Perfect. This looks good, man.

You know what's nice about

celebrating Christmas here, Gino?

Look, you got the mosque everywhere.

Every three or four hours,

they call people for prayer.

This is as far as you can get from

Christmas and, yet, here we are.

Look. Look at this table,

look at this shirt. I'm ready.

Are we gonna have a drink or what?

Yeah, I've got it all prepared.

Ah, that looks beautiful, Fred.

Thank you, Gordon. Now...

Now... this is the moment.

I'm looking forward to this.

The smell of this...

Ohhhh!

Now that is what I call

a Moroccan tangia.

Look at the colour!

Beautiful.

'As well as my succulent

beef tangia,

'flavoured with saffron

and preserved lemon,

'our Christmas spread includes

'Gino's slow-roasted beetroot

and goats cheese salad,

'drizzled with honey.'

That's it!

'And a mountain of steamed seasonal

vegetables on a bed of couscous.

'Fresh herbs and spices infuse

every dish with Moroccan magic.'

Guys, it wouldn't be Christmas

without a tipple.

This is called A Desert Crossing.

Cauliflower smells delicious.

15ml of saffron liquor...

and about 15ml of gin.

That's enough, thank you.

The champagne...

We're listening, we're listening.

And 10ml of lemon.

Nice.

Here you are. Gordon.

A Desert Crossing for you.

A Desert Crossing, thank you.

For you, mon ami.

Love the colour.

Merry Christmas. Merry Christmas!

Taste the tangia.

Yes.

Close your eyes...

Oh, beautiful.

...and put that tangia

in your mouth.

What comes to mind?

First impressions? OK...

Super tender.

Must be because all the spices, must

be because of the slow cooking. Mm.

Now, I want you to do exactly

the same with the cauliflower,

close your eyes.

Put it on my fork?

Yeah.

Ready?

SCREAMS

LAUGHTER

I'm missing my wife!

GORDON LAUGHS

# Underneath the mistletoe... #

'What a Christmas feast,

everything was just exceptional.

'It was different, but one of the

best that I personally had.'

Pull the cracker. Ready?

Three, two, one.

Make sure the quiff

is above the crown. Let's see.

Goes, I wanna play a game.

Who Am I?

I play that with my kids

all the time.

So, what we do,

we write a name on our hat

and the others are going to try

and guess what we've written.

Can I go first?

All right.

I'll write one on and this

one is going on Gino.

Got it?

Yep.

That's it.

OK.

Old or young?

LAUGHTER

What... What, who is...?

I used to be in love with her

when I was a boy. OK.

LAUGHS

What was that?

OK, OK, OK. Wait. Yeah?

LAUGHS

Big knockers?

Yes!

Big boobies. Yes!

Pamela Anderson!

Well done, that's a good one.

OK, now, your turn.

This is one of my real heroes.

OK?

Yes.

Male or female?

Uh... male.

Um... Italian?

He wishes.

OK, uh...

OK, let me, I'll help you out.

LONDON ACCENT: All right, mate,

so, uh, this is how you do it,

you just put a few nuts...

Oi, pukka. That is pukka!

Jamie Oliver!

Yes!

LAUGHTER

Cheers!

Salute. Salute.

This cocktail's amazing,

by the way.

Thank you.

It's going to my head.

'Magical.'

It doesn't really matter

where you are.

If you are with the right people,

you gonna have a hell of a time.

That's fantastic!

How beautiful is that?

What a week we've just had.

I've experienced things that

I've never, ever dreamt of before.

My favourite part

was when we went to see the family

in the middle of the desert.

They shared everything with us

and this is the spirit of Christmas.

It took me forever to find these,

Gordon.

Where did you get the size?

'It's been an amazing

Moroccan Christmas week.'

Of course, I love the boys,

but my real Christmas

starts tomorrow with my family.

Oh... Good idea, Gino.

What are you doing?!

Trying to get a song that we know.

I...

Be patient.

MUSIC: 'Driving Home For Christmas'

by Chris Rea

Beautiful!

ALL: # Driving home for Christmas

# I can't wait to see those faces

Woo hoo!

# Driving home for Christmas

MUMBLING WORDS

Yeah, me too,

I don't know the words!

Come on!

# Driving home for Christmas...

Listen, I need to ask you something,

it's been bothering me.

Where are we gonna go next?

Do you want to know?

Yes!

Guess what, guys?

Go on.

We're going to-

HORN BEEPS

CHEERING

No way!

# Driving home for Christmas. #

Subtitles by ITV signpost