Original subtitles

Wow!

I know.

I can't believe it.

You slept with our nanny?

Not when she was your nanny.

See, I told y'all. This is why you should hire

a big old Polish woman as your babysitter.

Y'all talking about Dagmara?

Boy, I miss that woman.

- Right? - Remember when she lifted up

the truck with everybody in it

- so I could change a flat? - Mm-hmm.

Well, your son slept with the nanny.

Dagmara?

Well, I mean, you a grown man, but Dagmara?

No, not Dagmara. Our nanny.

Who was not your nanny at the time.

Okay? It's just a weird coincidence.

Weird coincidence? Or inevitability,

considering you've slept with approximately

95% of the female population of Los Angeles.

You know us Butler men, boy.

No... tell me how the Butler men are.

We-we know when to shut up.

We searched for a month

to find the perfect nanny, and we finally did.

And then Malcolm comes along and screws everything up.

Okay, Courtney, I am not proud of how I behaved.

But that was three years ago. I'm a different guy now.

I will talk to her and clear the air.

You know, clearly, your mama was right.

You need a nanny that's less... "pla-ka-kow."

And more like "whoop, boop, doo..."

So, you think she's "pla-ka-kow"?

I've never seen her, baby.

Yes, you did, Dad, you said she looked like Megan Thee Stallion.

Mm.

I said I've never seen the woman.

♪ Welcome to the block, welcome to the neighborhood ♪

♪ Welcome to the hood. ♪

♪

Calvin, you have got to taste my pickle.

Say what now?

Dave, you want to try that again?

Yeah, I-I would recommend that.

Look, Calvin, I have realized,

when you get caught up in that nine-to-five grind,

you don't have time for the things

that make life worthwhile.

Like pickling.

Behold.

A flight of pickles...

seven individual pickles chosen just for you.

Full-sour, half-sour, cornichon, bread-and-butter,

spicy dill, garlic dill,

and spicy garlic dill.

All fresh from the laboratory.

It's not a laboratory, it's our kitchen,

laundry room, and now living room.

There are jars everywhere.

- Oh, you poor girl. - I mean, smell my hair.

Yeah, I didn't want to say anything.

(ALARM BEEPING)

Ooh. My brine's on simmer.

I'll be right back.

In the meantime, enjoy the succulent seven.

Oh, we definitely will, Dave. (CHUCKLES)

Let me get these out of here

before our house starts smelling like Gemma's hair.

Gemma, um, should we be worried about Dave?

Yes. Absolutely.

He's been a mess since he lost his job.

This is the first time he's left the house in three days.

And he calls himself "The Pickler,"

like some kind of Batman villain.

Look, don't worry, Gemma.

Whatever we can do to help, we will, okay?

Absolutely... Calvin,

you'll take Dave out with you tomorrow night.

- (GASPS) - Of-of course, you know,

if only there was, um...

tomorrow is Wednesday.

And that is my work late Wednesdays.

I know.

And maybe Dave can join you at work.

I-I'm sorry, what work are we talking about?

Calvin has a weekly Spades game

- that he doesn't want you to know about. - (GASPS)

Tina!

So you don't want Dave to play cards with you?

Wow.

It be your own people.

Gemma, come on. Gemma, come on.

Look, you've just got to understand,

Dave has infiltrated my whole life.

I mean, he's at my barbershop,

he all up and through the yardecues.

He saw Sinners before I did and spoiled the ending.

I didn't know vampires Riverdance.

I get it.

So Spades is your last Black thing.

I mean, you said it, not me.

I mean, you the one that made it racial.

TINA: Oh, Calvin,

just cut the crap.

The sooner you say yes,

the sooner she can go home and shower

and I can get the air freshener.

- Okay, fine. - Oh! Thank you. Thank you.

- Okay, all right now. - Oh, right, fair, fair.

J'ai des chaussures. J'ai des chaussettes.

Maman a des chaussures. Maman a des chaussettes.

Ooh, she's so great.

We have a nanny who speaks French.

Oui oui, we do.

(KNOCKING)

- Oh, hey. - Malcolm.

What? Hey... oh, so did you give her a heads-up?

No, we were too scared. What if she flips out?

Well, Courtney, that's a strong possibility.

- Get out of here right now. - I don't have to leave anywhere.

(OVERLAPPING ARGUING)

Hey, Everette. (CHUCKLES) It's been a while.

Oh. Hey.

(CLEARS THROAT) It-It's me.

(EXHALES) Malcolm.

Malcolm...

We went out.

Oh, yeah, of course, yeah.

You know, it's good to see you.

She don't remember you.

(WHISPERS): Be quiet.

Um, uh, it was three years ago.

Rose Bowl Flea Market?

I bought you an Italian ice?

Oh.

Of course.

Uh, Italian ice.

She don't remember you at all.

DAVE: Thanks for inviting me, Calvin.

Gotta say, it feels good to get out.

Hey, look, my pleasure. Just, um, be cool, man.

Wow, look at this setup.

It's two tables, Dave.

Why have you been keeping this from me?

Hey, guys.

What's shakin', bacon?

That's why.

Wow, Calvin.

So I couldn't bring my mama,

but you bring Dave?

Yeah, new blood, man.

Now, who wants to be his partner?

Come on, Calvin, you know the rules.

Whoever brings the new dude has to be his partner.

Who made that rule?

You.

Well, I'll just unmake it.

You can't unmake rules. That's a rule.

That's stupid. Who made that rule?

- You. - You.

She went down like a rock.

Everette and her baby Pilates really wore her out.

Hey now.

Uh, hello.

Have we met?

Ha ha, Marty.

No, I'm sorry, I just, I just don't remember you at all.

Man, I can't believe this.

I am a very memorable man.

You are. Plenty of girls remember you.

And hate you.

- This is a blessing. - It really is.

I was so worried we were going to lose Everette.

Let's just take the win.

Maybe she doesn't remember me because my beard is different.

It's exactly the same.

It is much thicker and more defined.

Oh, Malcolm, Malcolm, Malcolm.

Maybe you don't do sex well.

♪ ♪

Tina.

This has been... so hard.

Thank you so much

for helping me through it.

You are my rock

and my bestie.

(PHONE CHIMES)

Oh.

- I love you. - (PHONE CHIMES)

(PHONE CHIMES)

Aw.

(PHONE CHIMES)

A thumbs-up?

That's it? Huh.

Maybe we can hang?

- I need my Tina time. - (PHONE CHIMES)

(PHONE CHIMES)

Aw. My girl wants to hang.

Oh. Oh...

(PHONE CHIMES)

"K."

One letter? K?

I open myself up to my best friend and all I get is a "K"?

Or I could just drink

this whole bottle

- by myself. - (PHONE CHIMES)

(PHONE CHIMES)

Ha! Girl, you so crazy.

(PHONE CHIMES)

"LOL."

"LOL"?

Ugh! I will not be LOL'd at.

- Ha ha, that's how you do it. - Yeah.

Boy, we damn near ran a Boston on y'all. (LAUGHS)

And what is a Boston?

It means they beating our ass, Dave.

All right, I bid three books.

I got four.

Yeah, I got three.

One.

One? That's all you got?

Well, it's like I always say, Calvin,

under-promise, over-deliver.

That's not how it works, Dave.

If we over-deliver, then we're penalized.

A'ight, come on, let's play.

Jack of diamonds.

Ace of diamonds!

Oh, oh, you're coming in hard.

Well, I'm about to come in harder.

No one is as hard as me.

Hey, Calvin, get your boy, man.

- Four of diamonds. - Okay.

Ace of spades.

(LAUGHING)

Dave, w-why would you play that? I already won the hand.

- I know, but now we both won it. - That's not how it works.

You know what? Time out. I need another drink.

Okay, Calvin. We've got this.

No, we don't. See, I knew this was gonna be an issue,

that's why I didn't really want you here.

No, no, no... look, I'm a fast learner.

It's not about that.

What do you mean?

Check this out.

- God is good... - ALL: All the time.

- Whoomp... - ALL: There it is.

- Don't stop... - ALL: Get it, get it.

Oh. Okay, you know what? Now I'm double hurt, Calvin.

Okay, first of all, I knew the "God was good" thing,

I just wasn't ready.

And second of all,

after all that we've been through,

you are still keeping me at an arm's length.

Look, Dave, you're my man, 50 grand.

But there's a vibe that you and I don't have...

it-it's a certain...

- Je ne sais quoi? - Definitely not.

- (SIGHS) - Dave,

what he's saying is you're not like us.

Okay, well, what does that mean?

You don't have a Black bond.

Whoops. There it is.

ALL: It's "whoomp."

Wow, Dave, you're pretty good with those cards.

Yeah, well, I was a birthday party magician for six years.

But you wouldn't know that, Calvin,

'cause apparently we don't vibe.

Come on, Dave, can we just win one game, please?

Oh, oh, so you're admitting that you can't do this without me?

Yes. You literally have to have a partner to play.

Whatever, y'all. I'm getting four books.

I got three.

And I got five on it.

Ten.

Ten?

Well, Dave, that means we would have to win every book.

Come on, man, you gotta take that back.

Uh-uh. No backsies. Your rule.

Look, Calvin, we can do this.

We have made such a great team so many times before.

Look, we-we've done escape rooms together.

We've pop-locked together.

The only thing we haven't done together is golfed

because I don't have any clubs of my own.

Dave, what-what are you talking about?

You've never told me you wanted to golf.

Right. Because I don't have any clubs.

All right, okay.

I guess the next time we go, we'll have to use mine.

But after that,

we can finally catch up on those last two Kevin Hart movies.

Okay, can we stop talking about y'all's date night

and get back to the card game?

Don't be a hater, Trey.

Oh, that's it? Okay.

Yup, jack of clubs, that should walk, right there.

Man, that's all you got?

- Pow! - Pop, pop.

Okay, well, uh,

two of spades.

Sorry, guys.

Dave, no, you don't say sorry.

This is Spades. You supposed to talk trash.

Okay, well...

two of spades. Put that in your pipe and smoke it.

♪ ♪

Courtney.

- Can I talk to you? - Sure.

Alone? It's a girl thing.

Oh. Okay. I'll just go around the block.

(CHUCKLES) Oh, hey, Gemma.

(CHUCKLES) This is going to be hilarious.

Next time you see Malcolm,

act like you don't remember him at all.

(LAUGHS)

Are you leaving or what?

You text, right?

Yeah, I text.

Oh. Great.

If you were reaching out to a friend

about something emotional... you texted them "I love you"...

how would you feel if they sent back a thumbs-up?

Just a thumb? Geez, that's harsh.

Right? Well, and then I texted "Maybe we can hang,"

and she sent back a "K."

- A "K"? - Yes, Courtney. A "K."

And then this person "LOL'd" at me.

Gemma, I'm sorry, but she is not your friend.

So I should call her out, right?

- This person is toxic. - (GASPS)

- You have to call her out. - Oh, I'm gonna let her have it.

- Good. - Right now.

Oh, God. This friend is Tina?

She's no friend, right? Your words.

Ah, Tina Butler,

is there anything you can't do?

Tina Butler, the toxicity ends now!

I'm sorry, what?

You know how vulnerable I am. My husband lost his job.

He's spiraling... this afternoon he pickled a yam.

A yam!

I am at my most fragile,

and you "LOL" at me?

Whoa, whoa, whoa, Gemma, slow down.

What are you talking about?

What am I talking about?

Ring a bell?

No. It doesn't.

The texts. I opened my heart to you.

And you sent back a thumbs-up,

and then a "K."

Gemma.

I was painting my nails.

Well, that's no excuse for being a...

Oh, so...

you couldn't type.

No!

I was poking the phone with my knuckles.

So you weren't being mean?

Aw, man.

You are a white girl that needs a hug.

- I am. - Oh, my gosh.

- Look... - (SIGHS)

I know you're going through a lot right now.

I mean, anybody would be freaking out.

I also have a gut full of pickles and chardonnay.

Ooh, okay.

You know what? I'll get you some ginger ale.

And let's agree... text messages are a terrible way

to talk about emotional stuff.

You know? There's no context.

You're right. And I shouldn't

have let Courtney get me all riled up.

Courtney?

There it is.

12 books in a row.

Come on, Julian, we gotta win this last one.

Okay, thanks, Trey. That's helpful.

Come on, now, show me what you got.

Yeah.

Ah.

Bam! There it is! That's the sweep, baby!

Swept 'em.

Man, how the hell did they do that?

Well, I think it's quite clear, Trey.

Calvin and I have a bond of our own.

Well, I don't like it.

♪

Hello, Everette.

Hey...

you.

- Malcolm. - Malcolm.

Yes, uh, well, listen, I was just in the neighborhood,

thought I would bring you an Italian ice.

Maybe jog the old memory.

Ooh, cherry.

- That's my favorite. - Oh.

- How'd you know that? - Because we dated.

Ooh.

Right. Look, I'm really sorry about that.

I just have no recollection.

Which is weird, because I usually have

- an uncanny memory for most things. - Mm.

- Like, check this out... Wesley Snipes? - Okay.

- Mm-hmm. - His birthday's July 31.

That's crazy, right?

Yeah, that is crazy. (LAUGHS)

You know what else is crazy?

Is that we watched Passenger 57 at your apartment.

Ooh, look, I'm sorry.

Okay, girl, please sit down.

Listen, it was a Saturday night.

We had Thai food, we watched a movie,

and then we went to Dave & Busters.

Did we play that basketball game?

Yeah! Pop-A-Shot. (LAUGHS)

- That was you? - That was me.

- Oh, my God. - Yeah.

I beat you.

And you said your machine wasn't working right.

Okay, well, that does sound like a legitimate concern.

So we switched machines, and I beat you again.

And then your friend Trey laughed at you,

and you had a complete meltdown.

Okay, but I did buy you mozzarella sticks.

Wow, I really blocked all that out.

It was, by far, the worst date I've ever had.

(LAUGHS)

(CLEARS THROAT)

Are you sure that was me?

Ooh. Hey. You ate all the pickles.

Yeah, let's go with that.

Well, I hope you enjoyed them.

Because the Pickler is hanging up his cape.

Yeah, he had a cape.

Which I don't need anymore, thanks to Calvin.

You know, I don't know if you know this, Gemma,

but, actually,

I've been in a bit of a weird place

since I lost my job.

Really?

I know, I've put on a brave face.

But... (SIGHS) I was feeling like a loser.

And, I don't know, last night,

Calvin made me feel like a winner.

You're damn straight. Hey.

Hey, you know, you're the best Spades partner I ever had.

Wasn't it amazing? We were like Butch and Sundance.

Like chicken and waffles.

Like Crate and Barrel.

Okay, that's on me, guys, I encouraged him.

Well, the dream is over.

Yeah, a month to find the perfect nanny,

two days for her to quit.

Oh, no. That's a shame.

Yeah, sure is.

You know, I'm still Facebook friends with Dagmara.

I can reach out.

How old is she now?

Mrs. B?

We may be in need of a little help with Daphne

next week until we can find a replacement.

Hmm, I don't know.

Are you sure you want a babysitter who's toxic?

- Gemma. - I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

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