All language subtitles for I.Love.LA.S01E01.720p.WEB.H264-SYLiX.eng

♪ Happy birthday to you ♪

Oh, my God. Oh!

Call me the birthday girl.
Oh, my God.

-You're such a good birthday girl.
-Yeah, fuck.

Keep doing that. Oh, my God. Oh!

Fuck!

Oh, my God,
you're fucking me so hard,

I'm like, shaking, baby.
Oh, my God.

Fuck! -Wait,
wait, wait, stop, stop, stop.

-Maia, that's... that's not me.
-What?

That's not me.

That's an earthquake.

I think it's just
a little one, baby.

Uh...

-Earthquake.
-Fuck.

-Uh, shake alert.
-Yeah, shake alert.

No, it's my seismology app.

Baby, can you just choke me,
like, really quick?

-Maia, Maia. Listen.
-I'm about to cum. What?

Shaking expected.

-Okay, it stopped. Right?
-Yeah.

Okay. Okay.

Oh, my God. Fuck!

-Baby, this... This is the big one.
-Oh, my God!

Oh, my God, baby, if we're...

If we're gonna die,
I just want to cum.

-Oh, fuck.
-Oh, my God!

-Fuck!
-Oh, my God!

You know, when she says that
in front of the whole room,

-it's just humiliating to me.
-Yeah.

You know, I'm supposed
to be in charge, it's...

Next time she does that,

you need to put her
in her place.

Like, I'm sorry.
She's an insecure bitch.

It's like, shut the fuck up

and do not talk
to my boyfriend like that.

Well, she's 12, and her parents
are getting a divorce,

and she was just mad about the
homework I gave her, you know?

Whatever.
We've all been through stuff.

Mm.

Oh, my God.

I can't get another UTI.

The doctor said
that if I get another,

I'm not allowed to Zoom in
for meds anymore.

He said that having this many
is, like, very troubling.

His attitude's troubling.

Yeah, it's like a normal...
a normal amount.

It's totally fine.

Oh, my God.

-Ugh, wait.
-What?

Alyssa just posted the worst
photo of me to the work account.

Aw, you look like a baby.

What?

So, I look older now?

Well, no, no, no,
I mean, it... it's just like,

I mean, you know,
your... your hair,

it's, uh, it's totally different
and it's just like a little...

-Yeah, but like, look at my face.
-Hm?

Like, it's smaller here.
My eyes are, like, hollow now.

The air in LA is so dry.

I feel like
it's aging me faster.

No. No, no, no, it's not.

No, look, baby,
are you older? Yes.

But you know what?
That's a good thing,

because every year, you
become more and more yourself.

And you're skinnier now.

Which I know you love.

I just... I cannot believe

that that was two years ago,
and I'm still an assistant.

Like, I'm basically doing
the job of a junior manager.

Yeah, and you're helping out
with all the Grayson stuff.

Yes! He is basically my client.

His Chipotle bowl,
that was all you.

I mean, it was me
and Courtney together,

-but I came up with the caption.
-Yeah.

And people loved the caption.

I mean, it was so popular
that afterwards,

they sold out of corn.

You should just go to Alyssa

and ask her for the promotion,

-and that's it.
-No, I...

I can't do that.

I need to, like, time it

and wait for the right moment.

Shoot! My bookmark
fell out, damn it!

Uh, okay.

Um, I gotta go. Happy birthday.

Bye.

Do you mind just waiting
right here?

We're just gonna do,
like, one lap.

Thank you.

-Hi.
-Maia!

-Happy birthday, baby.
-Thank you.

-I love the haircut. What the fuck?
-Really?

-Yeah, I love it.
-You don't feel like it's too short?

No, I mean, you have
the face for that, so what?

-Thanks.
-Let me know if you need lists for Troy's party.

-Hey!
-Seriously, I got you, boo-boo.

-Alright.
-Love you, love you.

-Hey.
-I have no idea who that guy is.

Literally, I've never met him in my life.

-Ooh, birthday hair!
-You like it?

-I love it!
-Thank you.

-Love.
-I know, I know, I know.

I remember now, that guy's
actually my accountant.

Charlie, you need an ugly guy
doing your taxes.

Wait, did you guys see
Tallulah's Heaven campaign?

Babe, that was...
That was months ago.

Well, why didn't you guys
say anything?

You had her muted. I did not
wanna, like, disturb your peace.

-Yeah, but she posted it today.
-Yeah, I know.

She's, like, breadcrumbing
the posts out

like it's her Midwestern
wedding photos.

And I think she only got,
like, 10k a post.

-She got paid 10k a post?
-Yeah, like nothing.

-So, ignore it.
-Honestly, the whole Heaven project

is, like, washed anyway
at this point.

Maia, have you, like,
spoken to her lately, or...

I mean, like every three
months she'll send me

these long-ass voice memos.

God, voice memos
are so narcissistic.

It's like, bitch,
you're doing a podcast.

I know, and did I tell you
she still owes me $1,200?

-Oh, love that.
-And she didn't even wish me a happy birthday.

-It's 8 a.m.
-Well, it's 11:00 in New York. She should be up.

Honestly, just 'cause you're
friends with someone at 22,

does not mean you have to be friends
with them for the rest of your life.

You don't see me hanging out
with Avicii anymore, do you?

Yeah, Charlie, he died.

I'm just saying, like, just, like,
cut the negative energy out.

You'll feel better...
I know that dog. BRB.

Hi! How are you, sweetheart?

-He doesn't get it 'cause he doesn't know her. Like...
-Don't stress. Yes.

No, but 27 is the start
of your Saturn return.

I know,
it's supposed to be hell.

Yeah, so everything
that feels bad right now

is... is actually good.

Like my dad,
he won his first Oscar at 28,

but when he was 27,
he was, like, making that movie,

and he was like,
"This is really hard."

-Yeah.
-Come on.

You should block her.

-Charlie.
-Charlie, no... Block?

-Charlie, why would you even say that?
-I mean, I'll just mute again.

No, no, you can't keep
dipping in and out.

-It's not fair to you.
-No, no, no, no, no.

Maia, a block invites,
like, negative karma.

Like so mu...
Like bad-ass karma.

Block! Block! Block!
Block! Block! Block!

-No, no, no, no, no. This is negative. Charlie!
-Block! Block! Block! Block!

-Fuck it, I don't care. I'm doing it.
-Oh, my God!

-Are you doing it?
-I did it.

-Yes! Whoo!
-Ah! Wait, honestly...

-What a ride.
-...I kind of feel amazing.

-Fuck Tallulah.
-Fuck Tallulah.

-I've been saying!
-Fuck Tallulah.

-That's a strong way to go.
-Yes!

-No, fuck her.
-I... I'm not gonna sit around

and just do nothing while
she reaps the benefits

of my hard work.
Like, I made her successful,

-I can do it for other bitches.
-Period.

-Yes.
-Do you know what I'm gonna do today?

-What?
-I'm gonna ask Alyssa for my promotion.

-Nice, do it.
-Yes! Okay, because you're proud

of what you've done
for Tallulah.

-I mean, to spite her, but yes.
-It's spite, it's more spite energy, but yes.

-Okay. I love you guys so much.
-Can we be positive?

-Love you.
-You guys are literally my family.

-Happy birthday.
-Happy birthday, bitch.

-I love you guys!
-Ooh!

-Look at that ass.
-Yeah.

-I needed this so bad.
-Oh, my gosh, hey!

Don't be scared of Alyssa.

-Okay.
-Remember, she's intimidated by how short you are.

-Stay positive.
-Love you, bitch.

-I love you.
-Love you guys.

Maia!
They're basically impossible

to get on the phone
until after Halloween.

Hey!

Good luck, Queen.

You have nothing
to worry about, okay?

-Oh, I am not worried.
-Oh, good. Hey.

-Don't worry.
-I am not.

Okay. And remember,

-she wants us to succeed, okay?
-Okay, thanks.

-I'll put some Sprites on ice for us.
-Okay, sounds good.

-Sprite Zero.
-Okay, I'm doing it.

-Okay, bye.
-You got it, girl.

Come in.

Hi. Oh, I'm sorry.

-I... I can come back later, if you want.
-No, come in.

-Okay.
-Get in here.

-Maia.
-Yeah?

-It's your birthday!
-Yeah.

-Happy birthday!
-Thank you.

How old are you?
Tell me.

I am 27.

27, oof.

That's tough.

-Really?
-Yeah. Better than 28, though.

28 through 33 is like, kill me.

And then 34.

-We hope that's good.
-Mm, mm-mm.

Oh, okay.

Do you have fun plans tonight?

Um, I'm just keeping it
low-key tonight,

but tomorrow I have dinner with
my friends in Beverly Hills.

Wanted something
a little Republican.

Well, they... they do
the best martinis.

-Yeah, totally.
-Mm.

Um, so I was actually
hoping to talk to you...

...about the
title change that we discussed.

-Mm.
-Um, I feel like we're all so happy

with Grayson's Chipotle bowl.

-You know.
-Ow!

They sold out of corn.
It was a big hit.

-And I think that I'm more than ready...
-Stop saying "think."

-Stop it.
-Okay.

Say "I am."

-I am.
-♪ I am ♪

I am more than ready
for the junior manager track.

Promotions.

Ugh, they're so tough.

-Yeah.
-It's, like, so tricky.

I... I mean, we're a scrappy
little startup, Mai,

-and I... I can't afford a single misstep.
-Yeah.

Right? As a
woman trying to do differently,

-there's a target on my back.
-Totally.

And I want to be by your side.

Or even behind you.

To block the target.

Yeah. I mean, you have
to have experience

-as a manager to be a manager.
-Yeah.

Right? And it's...
it's such a big deal

to take someone's future
into your own hands.

And you've never
done that before.

So, I... hm.

Um... well, actually,

I have had a client
in the past, formerly.

Um, do you know Tallulah Stiel?

She's like a New York "it" girl.
She's very big on TikTok.

-Tallulah Stiel. Tallulah Stiel!
-Yeah.

-She rode the subway in a bikini during COVID?
-Yes!

I filmed that. I filmed that.

It... Yeah, it... That
was so fun, that one.

Yeah, that was like,
her first big video, um...

-Sneaky little girl!
-Yeah. Yeah.

We worked together a bunch
right after we graduated.

-And...
-Do you mind grabbing my phone?

-Yes. Yeah.
-It's just in my back pocket.

Gotta watch those nails.

There
you go. Okay, just turn it.

-Oh. Thank you.
-Okay, there you go.

Tallulah Stiel.

Yeah.

Wow!

Maia, girl!

Your friend
has a Heaven campaign?

Yeah, it's so good, right?

She's the best.
Like, we're so close.

We're like best friends.

How come
she doesn't follow you?

Um...

Uh, that's so weird.

-I...
-Oh, you know what? I should... I should take this.

So sorry.

-But we'll keep talking.
-Okay.

-I'm gonna come back.
-Yeah.

-To talk about it.
-You'd better. Keep trying.

-Okay. I will.
-Okay?

God! Fuck.

Dylan, you will not believe
the fucking day that I just had.

It was a full...

-What is...
-Um, I tried to text you,

but she took my phone,
so I couldn't...

Oh, my God!

Surprise, you little bitch!

-Happy birthday!
-Tallulah!

-I know, I'm here!
-I cannot believe that you are here

in my house in LA.

Your hair!

It's so short.

-I love it.
-Thanks.

-Let me smell you.
-Oh, no.

Oh, my God!

-Oh, you smell the same.
-Oh, yes.

Well, maybe don't...
It's... I'm sweaty.

It's my favorite stink.
Maia's stink!

Yeah, it's the best stink.

Hey, uh, I-I'm gonna let you
guys get caught up and stuff.

-Oh. You can just...
-But I'm here if you need me.

Okay!
Love you so much.

-Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah.
-Thank you.

-He's cute.
-Yeah.

Short, but really cute.
Maia!

So basically, I'm, like,
leaving the airport, and...

Do you have anything stronger
than orange wine?

-Um...
-It's fine.

-'Kay.
-And I'm like, wait, where is my purse?

So, I like... I go to run back
onto the plane,

and the guy
at the gate is, like,

legitimately screaming at me.

Like yelling at me,
like, insane.

So, I go to push past him
and he tackles me to the floor.

Like, I'm literally
on the ground

in the airport, and I look up,

and I realize, it's Josh.

-Josh who?
-My high school boyfriend Josh,

-the one who wrote the song about me.
-Okay, right.

Yeah, "Pain in My Heart."

He, like, works
for the airport now, I guess.

-Wow.
-Yeah.

-And he got me my bag back.
-Well, thank God.

Why do I feel like I've been
in this apartment before?

Like, it's really, like,
weirdly kind of familiar.

I mean, this is the place that we
were gonna move in to together.

The Los Feliz place.
The two bedroom,

$2,400 a month.

-I sent you the thing. Yeah.
-Oh, my God, wait, this is the place?!

-Yeah, it's the same place.
-Oh, my God, Maia!

And you're still here?

-Mm-hmm.
-That's so sweet, Mai.

-It's really cute. It is.
-Yeah, I love it.

It's, like, way smaller
than the pictures,

but, like, the people
that do the listings

-are such fucking scammers.
-I don't know.

I actually, like, love it here.
I feel like it's so cozy.

-I feel like any bigger would be weird, so...
-Yeah.

No, totally.

Okay, Maia?

I almost forgot,
I stole these.

-Birthday shots. Come here.
-Oh, no, no, no. I'm good.

-Tallulah. Tallulah.
-You're good. What?

I-I have to be up early tomorrow
to celebrate and stuff.

-Are you okay?
-Yeah, I'm great.

Your birthday is tonight.
We're going out.

Alani didn't fly me
out here for nothing.

-Okay?
-Alani flew you out?

Yeah, she said you missed me.

-That's so sweet of her.
-Yeah.

Um, I'm good.
I'm gonna stay in tonight.

There's a line.

That's fine.

What?

-Maybe we should go to Bar Seco.
-Oh, my God!

I feel like everybody here
is, like, 19.

Ugh!

I want to dance.
You said there's dancing here.

There's, like,
standing with music.

-Nobody really dances in LA.
-Oh, my God, that's so lame.

-I love dancing.
-Stop, Tallulah.

-Tallulah, stop.
-I want to dance with you.

-The 19-year-olds are looking at us.
-Yes.

-Stop it.
-They don't care. You guys want to dance, right?

-No.
-No, they hate us.

They hate us.

God.

-You remember Mr. Purple?
-Yes.

You remember
when I got roofied there?

-That night was insane.
-That was really fun.

They used to roofie people here,
but then they fixed it.

Bummer.

I know.

Oh!

-Oh, my God.
-What?

Shaboozey is FaceTiming me.
He's obsessed.

Oh, I thought you were dating
that bar owner guy.

Oh, Igor?

I am.

Yeah, he's just like...
he's traveling a lot right now,

so he's really busy.
But that's great for me,

because it gives me time
to do my own shit, you know?

-Like work and stuff. Yeah.
-Yeah.

Um, do you like
your new manager?

Is it cool being with,
like, a big company?

Um...

I don't know.

Everyone's just
kinda named Travis.

They do their shit,
and I get paid.

-You know what I mean?
-Yeah.

Well, it feels like
you're in a really great place,

so it's probably for the best
that you didn't move here.

Yeah. I mean, don't you think?

Sounds like you're in a really
good spot at Allison 1-800.

Alyssa180?

-Oh, Alyssa180.
-Yeah, Alyssa180.

-Stupid.
-Yeah, it's an incredible opportunity,

and Alyssa is amazing.

She's technically my boss,
but, like,

we're basically best friends,
and we pretty much co-run it.

-Wow.
-Yeah.

-Happy for you.
-She's, like, so connected, too.

-She's really connected?
-Yeah.

Go drop her name.

Get us in,
if she's so connected.

Mm-hmm. I will.

Okay.

Um, hi.

Um, I know you guys
are, like, super slammed tonight.

Um, but I work at Alyssa180.

We do a lot of events.

Um, okay, uh, real talk.
I have IBS.

So, if my friend and I
could just sneak in,

use the bathroom really quick,
we'll get out of your hair.

Stand back, she's super sick.

Oh, no, I'm not sick.

I just have IBS.

Um, a stomach thing.

It's just digestive.

I'll... We'll... I'll...
We'll just hang out.

We'll... I'll circle back to you.

You are literally saving us.

Oh, my God, Maia.

This is Jason. He's the owner.

-Oh, hi, it's nice to meet you.
-Yeah, he's literally

a living, breathing angel.

He's gonna let us
put drinks on his tab.

You're amazing.
And he's a Gemini...

-Oh, yay! A Gemini.
-...by the way. Yeah.

-Two Geminis.
-Can I... Oh, I'm sorry.

-Can I smoke? Is that okay?
-Yeah, it's fine.

Oh, amazing. Yay!

Come on, Maia.

-Birthday shot.
-What?

Tallulah, I can't hear you.

-Let's take a shot.
-I'm good.

-We just had that one at home.
-Oh, my God.

You look too good
to be so fucking boring.

Okay, we'll do one.

Oh, fuck.

-Tallulah.
-Yeah.

Forgot the door.

Oh, my God!

Fuck you, whores!

-Sorry.
-Maia.

-What? It's a driving city.
-Why would you apologize?

Drivers have the right
of way in LA.

-Good morning.
-Hello. Good morning.

-Hi.
-Hi!

-Alani!
-Oh, my God.

-You look so cute.
-Wait, shut the fuck up.

-You do, are you kidding?
-I missed you.

-Hi, Charlie. Hey.
-Hey, how are you?

It's so nice to meet you.

-I've heard a lot.
-Same.

-Sorry that we're so late.
-From many different people.

You're fine. Did you guys
have so much fun last night?

You... You look relaxed
and cozy.

Oof, what is that smell?

It's the salmon
from the Courage Bagels

that I got everyone.

You know, I know you think

the New York bagels
are better, but actually...

...these, uh, beat Tompkins

or whatever the fuck
y'all are eating.

-I don't eat bagels.
-Oh, shit!

Um, I would have gotten you
something else.

But no, Maia loves them,
so yeah, we're...

-She's...
-She... She loves them, right, Mai?

-Yeah, I'm just kind of hungover today...
-Yeah, she...

-...and, like, super bloated.
-Super bloated.

So, you're not gonna eat
the bagels?

Not... I mean, not right now.

Okay.

Okay, Tal, I love this bag.

-Thank you.
-It's so cute.

Balenciaga.

I need to break out
my mom's old one.

Oh. Sorry.

I left it
in the Palisades house.

-Oh, babe, I'm so sorry.
-Shit.

-Sorry, Alani.
-I love you.

I love you. So, you
guys went out last night?

Yeah.

I just thought today
was the big celebration.

Wow.
Everyone's so strict here.

Whoa!

Okay, fun birthday plan
for today.

-Yes.
-Um, we'll do, like, Erewhon,

Aralda, then like, nails,
face masks before dinner.

Wait, hold on. Oh, my God.

How did your big meeting
with Alyssa go?

Um, it was great. Yeah.

-Okay!
-I mean, there's, like, there's budget stuff,

but basically, she said, like,

Alyssa180 doesn't run
without me.

-Wait, Maia, that is a big deal.
-She said that? Oh, my God!

-Yeah.
-Bitch.

We can't just go
to a grocery store now.

-That's, like, that's huge.
-But Erewhon's not really like a grocery store.

-Maia!
-It's like... it's an experience.

-But, yeah.
-No, we need to celebrate.

-Let's go to the beach.
-No, that's a lot.

-No, you...
-That's a lot.

It's LA, let's... let's go.

No, babe, you don't
understand anything.

-Yeah.
-We have to leave at like 8 a.m.

-to get there, it's like not...
-Yeah, it's like an hour.

Mai, it's your birthday.
Let's go.

Well, you don't have a suit.

-So, shoot.
-Wait, what? No. Hold up.

-Can I borrow one?
-I have so many that you could borrow. What?

-That's not an issue at all.
-Okay, so let's borrow

a bathing suit,
and we could go to the beach.

-I'm so fucking pissed right now.
-What the fuck

is going on with her?
I mean, first of all,

she was insane about the bagels.

-So crazy.
-Second of all, it's like, what is this shit?

-I don't know.
-It's like a 40-fucking-500 fucking dollar bag.

It's like... And sunglasses.
Like, she owes you money,

-if I remember correctly, $1,200.
-You do.

Hasn't mentioned it once.

Of course.
Well, did you ask her?

No, obviously, I haven't.

You should bring it up now
in front of everyone.

Guys, it's so cute to see
you guys having fun again.

-Alani, we're not having fun.
-We're not having...

-This is a bad experience so far.
-Okay, I know you're trying

to be, like, peacemaker,
and it's sweet,

but, like,
I'm fucking pissed at her.

She's one of your karmic ties.
Like, do you realize that?

It's like my facialist
was telling me

that, like, my mom in my
past life was my daughter.

So, our wombs are, like,
locked in this forever cycle,

and we always find each other.

Even if we're mad,
we find each other.

I mean... I mean, come on.

Fuck, it's fabulous.

Okay, it's fine. Um...

So, what time is dinner?

Um, it's at 7:00
for four people.

Okay.
Well, now it's five people,

and maybe we change it
to 8 p.m.,

in case we get stuck in traffic?

-Is that a... Is that a big deal?
-Yeah. No. It's fine.

-Fine.
-I'll change it. I'll change it.

No, we don't... If...
If that's a problem,

-we don't have to change it.
-No, oh, my God, it's so easy.

-Obviously, I'll change it.
-I can make a call.

-No, I'll change it.
-Okay.

-Thank you.
-Oh, shoot. Oh, my God.

-What?
-Alyssa just texted me.

-What did she say?
-Um, just like a work emergency.

Not like a bad emergency.
Like a good emergency.

And she knows I can handle it.

So, um, I'm gonna
deal with this.

You guys have fun.

-I guess that's part of getting a promotion, Mai.
-Guys.

-Yup.
-Promotion!

-Okay.
-I'm proud of you.

Love you.

-Alright, bye.
-Okay, see you at dinner.

-Love you guys.
-What, are you leaving, too?

I can't sit in traffic
for two hours.

-Have fun being tourists.
-Oh, my God.

-We will.
-Does no one wanna have fun?

-Bye.
-Forget it, forget it, forget it, forget it.

-Forget it, forget it.
-What is wrong with them?

We're gonna have fun. We're gonna have fun.

[♪ "I Love L.A."

♪ Rollin' down
the Imperial Highway ♪

♪ With a big nasty redhead
at my side ♪

♪ Santa Ana winds
blowing hot from the north ♪

♪ And we were born to ride ♪

♪ Roll down the window,
put down the top ♪

♪ Crank up
the Beach Boys, baby ♪

♪ Don't let the music stop ♪

♪ We gonna ride it till ♪

Hi! I'm... I'm calling
to change a reservation.

Yep, would love to hold.

♪ From the South Bay
to the Valley ♪

♪ From the West Side
to the East Side ♪

♪ Everybody's very happy ♪

♪ 'Cause the sun
is shining all the time ♪

♪ Looks like another
perfect day ♪

♪ I love LA ♪

♪ We love it! ♪

-♪ We love it! ♪
-Are you fucking joking?

-Stop. Alani!
-Okay, dude.

-Are you kidding me?
-You have to get this. Ooh!

I already
emailed Resy support.

-Please, do not send me back to the front desk.
-Hey. Hey.

No. Neither.

-Neither?
-Neither.

The Bode shirt.

-The Bode shirt. The Bode shirt.
-The Bode shirt.

♪ Look at that mountain,
look at those trees ♪

♪ Look at that bum over there,
man, he's down on his knees ♪

♪ Look at these women ♪

♪ Ain't nothin' like 'em
nowhere ♪

Hi. Hi. Yes, I'm still here.

No, I promise we'll be done
in 45 minutes,

and one of us
can sit on a bar stool.

Great, great.

♪ Sixth Street! ♪

♪ We love it, we love it! ♪

-Sorry.
-Oh, oh! Sorry. Yeah, yeah.

♪ We love LA ♪

♪ We love it! ♪

Hi, we have a reservation
under Maia Simsbury.

Oh, you're here
for the birthday party?

Yes. Um, I'm Maia.

Great. You can follow me.

Um, where are we going?

-To the birthday party.
-Okay.

She makes me feel insane.

-Yeah.
-She just sucks up

all the oxygen in the room

-and makes everything about her.
-Yeah.

Like, she fully hijacked my day.

Uh, yeah, I know.
And baby, it's...

It's because she's insecure.

-Really?
-Yes.

-You think so?
-Yeah, 100%.

I mean, you... you have
a quiet confidence.

You know, you don't have
to go and... and tell people

about the moves you're gonna
make, 'cause you just make 'em.

You fly under the radar.

-Do I?
-Yeah, you do.

You 100% do. And you know what?

On top of that,
I can tell you that you,

you don't have to post about
it because you just are it.

And to top it all off, you do
have a pretty good boyfriend.

-I have an amazing boyfriend.
-Amazing boyfriend?

-Yeah.
-Okay.

-With a perfect dick.
-I like that.

Oh, um, I... I think our table's
actually at the dining room.

Um, I'm Maia.

You mentioned that.

Surprise!

Oh, my God!

-Follow me in here.
-You look like a whore!

-I'm obsessed, look at you!
-Oh, my God! Maia!

Wait, what is going on?

-How do we have a suite?
-Tallulah! She had a vision.

No, she literally
hooked it the fuck up.

-I'm obsessed with her.
-Stop.

Maia, she's you when
you were addicted to poppers.

Wait! Maia, come look.

Maia.

Oh, my God.

-Look at the room!
-Yeah. Wow.

-Here.
-Um, wait.

Guys, what about dinner?

-Are we gonna still make dinner?
-Ew, no, no, no, no.

The food here fucking sucks.

-This is better.
-This is so much better.

Wait. You guys!

-Look who I invited.
-You're gonna hate this.

It's your boss.

Why are Courtney
and Alyssa here?

Because you said Alyssa
was, like, your best friend.

I listen to you.

Okay, wait, wait!

-Oh, my God!
-♪ Happy birthday ♪

♪ To you ♪

♪ Happy birthday to you ♪

♪ Happy birthday, dear Maia ♪

Now, Tallulah had to lie and say

that it was her birthday
'cause she's the famous one.

We just have to do,
like, one grid carousel

saying "Happy birthday,
Tallulah," and then...

Like, really fast. Wait,
let's make a wish together.

-Ready?
-No, I'm good.

You can wish,
since it's your birthday.

Maia!

Classic drama.

-Maia!
-Oh.

Um, I think I should maybe go.

-No, my love. No, no, no, no.
-No. Do not go there.

-No?
-You're good here. You're good here.

Maia?

Do not come in, I'm shitting.

No, you're not.

I just wanna be alone
for a second.

What is going on with you?

I didn't get
the promotion, okay?

Why would you lie to me, then?

You told me
that you got the promotion.

You've been being a bitch to me,
like, the whole weekend.

-Oh, really?
-Yeah, you've been being a fucking bitch, really.

I flew in for your birthday,
and I land...

-Oh, my God.
-...and I see you blocked me?

-Tallulah.
-That is so weird.

You basically flew here and
you threw yourself a party, so...

-No, I...
-Yes!

I literally got this room
for you.

I don't want it, okay?

It's like, you've been here
for two seconds

and everything
is just so easy for you.

It's like, oh, my God,
you breathe.

Wow, we have a suite.

Oh, all we have to do
is just post about Tallulah

and pretend
it's her fucking birthday.

-Oh, my God.
-LA is hard for a lot of people.

Like, I've been here,
it's really isolating,

and it sucks, and you
have to drive everywhere.

And, like, having you here
reminds me...

how you're doing
so good without me,

and, like, I'm a fucking flop.

Like, you're rich and famous
and you're killing it,

and I'm an assistant.

-You think I'm rich?
-Yeah.

I'm broke.

-No, you're not.
-I don't have any money.

-What about the Heaven campaign?
-That was a year ago.

Okay, well,
isn't, like, Igor rich?

Yeah, he is. But he dumped me.

-Really?
-Yeah.

After I caught him sending DMs

to girls asking
for titty pictures.

-Ew! Are you serious?
-So gross.

-Yeah.
-I'm sorry. Google "boobs."

-Google fucking "boobs." That is exactly what I said.
-That's... Oh, my God.

So, then I posted pictures
of him peeing sitting down

-on Reddit, which is funny.
-Yeah.

And when I went back home,
he literally kicked me out.

That is crazy.

Now, I'm, like, living out
of my bag, basically.

It's a really good bag.

Thanks.

I really miss you, Mai.

I do, and it's been really
hard for me since you left.

Okay, well, I tried to get you
to move here, so...

Well, what if I just,
like, stayed here

and I didn't go back,
and we finally did our plan?

What do you mean?

Like, what if I just
don't go back to New York

and I stay here,
and you finally manage me?

Would you really want that?

"You would want that?"

Yeah, obviously.

-Yeah?
-"Yeah."

-Stop doing that!
-"Yeah."

Oh, my God, fine.
I guess if you're gonna beg me.

-I love you.
-Oh, my God.

-I love you.
-Wait, are you excited?

-It's gonna be so fun.
-It's gonna be so much...

-Oh, my God.
-And I'm sorry, I'm gonna... We're gonna fucking kill it.

We're gonna fucking kill it.

We're gonna fucking kill it!

What is going on?

-Oh, my God!
-Maia.

Wow.

Why is that...

Oh, my God!

Oh, my God!

Alyssa, you look amazing.

Take all my money.
Take it all!

You look fabulous.

What the fuck?

Maia! He asked who Maia was,

and you were shitting,
so I took... I took your place.

Alyssa, she's my manager now,

so if you want me,
you have to promote her.

-Yes!
-Okay.

Alright, we'll talk Monday.

Okay.

Okay, it's Maia's turn.

-Maia, Go!
-♪ The boys wanna be her ♪

♪ The girls wanna be her,
the boys wanna be her ♪

-Oh, my God!
-♪ The girls wanna be her ♪

♪ The boys wanna be her ♪

Oh, shit! That's my girlfriend.

Oh, careful!

Maia, you look so hot.

-Wow. Wow.
-Wait, Tallulah.

I don't want to do this alone.

-No, you're fine.
-Come on!

-Tallulah! Tallulah!
-Get in there, get in there, get in there!

-Get in here!
-Let her in. Come on in.

Sir, where did you
learn these moves?

Tallulah, I need to get
a picture of you.

-No, alone? Maia!
-Yes, I need a pic of you.

-She's shy!
-I'm really shy.

-Yeah, you're so shy.
-Leave me alone.

I'm really shy.

Maia, did you get it?

♪ Listen up, voices scatter ♪

♪ The boys wanna be her,
the girls wanna be her ♪

-♪ Scatter ♪
-♪ The boys wanna be her ♪

-♪ The girls wanna be her ♪
-♪ Scatter ♪

♪ The boys wanna be her,
the girls wanna be her ♪

-♪ Scatter ♪
-♪ The boys wanna be her ♪

-♪ The girls wanna be her ♪
-♪ Scatter ♪

♪ The boys wanna be her,
the girls wanna be her ♪

-♪ Scatter ♪
-♪ The boys wanna be her ♪

-♪ The girls wanna be her ♪
-♪ Scatter ♪

♪ The boys wanna be her,
the girls wanna be her ♪

-♪ Scatter ♪
-♪ The boys wanna be her ♪

♪ Scatter ♪

-♪ The boys, the girls ♪
-♪ Scatter ♪

♪ The boys ♪

-♪ The girls ♪
-♪ Scatter ♪

-♪ The boys, the girls ♪
-♪ Scatter ♪

♪ The boys wanna be her,
the girls wanna be her ♪

♪ The boys wanna be her ♪

♪ The girls wanna be her ♪

♪ The boys wanna be her ♪

♪ The girls wanna be her ♪

♪ The boys wanna be her ♪

♪ I wanna be her ♪

♪ So do you ♪

♪ Ooh ♪

♪ Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh ♪