Original subtitles

Does everybody know what time it is?

- Tool Time! - Tool Time!

That's right! Binford Tools is proud to present

Tim "The Tool Man" Taylor!

(ALL CHEERING)

Thank you. Thank you all very much. Thank you.

I am Tim "The Cool Man" Taylor.

And, of course, you all know my assistant, Al "Pine" Borland.

All right. Well, today we're going to talk about ski maintenance.

Well, why did you bring your mom's toothpicks out here?

For your information, these skis were handed down to me

by my father, who used them in the 1948 Olympics.

Get out of here. Your dad was in the Olympics?

Actually, Tim, he was a biathlete.

Don't ask, don't tell.

Wow.

I don't know why I bother sharing anything personal with you.

That makes two of us.

These skis are made of hickory.

A testament to good old-fashioned craftsmanship.

Well, and these skis are made out of stainless steel.

A testament to how much money you can blow at a ski shop.

No matter what kind of skis you have,

it's a good thing to keep them maintained.

Right. Which brings us to our first guest today,

ski maintenance expert, Dolph Schmetterling.

(ALL CHEERING)

(ACCORDION MUSIC PLAYING)

- How do you do? - Welcome.

- Hi, Tim. - Good to have you.

Thank you very much.

(MUSIC CONTINUES PLAYING)

Klaus!

(MUSIC STOPS)

Sorry about that. Schmetterling, that's a German name, correct?

It means butterfly.

Well, you must've been a pretty big larva as a kid.

- Is that supposed to be funny? - Not if you don't think so.

- I don't. - All right.

So, Dolph, why don't you tell us something about ski maintenance?

Glad to, Al.

I brought with me this Wintersteiger automated ski service station.

Look at the size of this bad boy!

Bad boy is right.

This Micro 71 model does belt-sanding, base-edge tuning,

deburring and cold waxing.

It does everything but cook your schnitzel.

If I were you, I'd keep my schnitzel away from that thing.

All right. Well, why don't we show them...

The audience how this thing works. All right, Dolph?

Well, Tim, I thought we'd show them how to maintain vintage skis first.

Nobody cares about those old Popsicle sticks.

Never talk that way about wooden skis.

(IMITATING GERMAN ACCENT) I won't.

While these two guys are stuck in the nineteenth century,

I'll show you how this thing works. One-man operation.

Wax them? Set them in like this, turn this thing on like this.

(SPEAKING GERMAN)

Apparently, you put it on nine.

(ACCORDION MUSIC PLAYING)

Hey, Mark, check out this brochure from Boyne Mountain.

They got some new lifts, they got some groomed slopes. It's looking great.

Wow! "Featuring hair-raising slopes and teeth-rattling halfpipes."

I love halfpipes, yeah.

I love copper pipes. I love exhaust pipes.

Yeah, I can't wait to get up there.

Honey, I don't know why you're so excited.

You know, you're not gonna be able to ski on that knee.

Oh, I know. There's bound to be a few ski bunnies up there

that want to cozy up next to an injured soccer stud.

Just don't tell them you tripped over a rug.

Go with something a little more manly,

like you were chasing the bulls in Pomona.

Pamplona.

- See you, guys. - Bye. Have a good day.

Bye. You too, guys.

Honey, this is supposed to be our winter vacation.

- You sure you don't want to go with us? - No, not this year.

I have to finish my master's thesis.

- Got a headache? - No, no. Just really bloated.

- My period's all screwed up. - Hey, hey! Hey!

- Sorry. - Hello?

Oh, hi, Patty.

- How are you doing? You ready to go? - You don't have time for some coffee?

- Oh, yeah. Sure. - Okay.

- Good morning, Patty. - Morning, Tim.

- That was a great Tool Time yesterday. - We were pre-empted.

I'm sorry, I didn't realize that. I was just trying to be polite.

Well, in that case, your hair looks fabulous.

I'm glad you're driving today. I've got killer cramps.

- Again? - Yeah.

And my period's been unbelievably heavy this month.

Yeah?

Excuse me.

When was the last time you've been to see a gynecologist?

- I don't know. It's been a while. - Yeah? How long a while?

I don't... Maybe like a couple of years. I've been really busy.

- Yeah, but I think it's time. - Yeah, I know.

It's bad, though, you know? It's like a dam burst

and the floodgates opened.

I gotta get to some higher ground.

- Hey, Marty. - Hey.

Getting your stuff ready for the ski trip?

It's gonna be great. We're snowmobiling this time, too.

Plus, a five-hundred-foot vertical drop, sixty-mile-an-hour shushing. Bam!

It's gonna be great! What are you doing next weekend?

Taking my girls to Barbie Expo '99.

It's gonna be kind of fun.

I understand they're unveiling her new Vette.

(PHONE RINGING)

Hello? Hi, honey.

Oh, will you do me a favor? Pick me up

at the gynecologist's office in about an hour.

Patty dropped me off, but she couldn't stay.

- You're not feeling any better? - No.

In fact, I'm bleeding really heavily.

- I'm going through a tampon... - Honey, honey, honey. Yeah.

All right, all right. I got the message.

I'll pick you up at the gynecologist's at 5:00.

Bye.

That's about the only good thing

that came out of my separation with Nancy.

No more gynecologist stuff.

No more midnight tampon runs. You can never get the right kind.

"You idiot!

"I said the super, not the slims!"

Pads, panty liners. There's, like, four thousand different kinds.

Maxis, minis...

Absorbent, super-absorbent, with baking soda?

My favorite. My favorite. Ultra-slim overnights,

with wings.

Excuse me. I've got to pick up my wife, Jill Taylor, at 5:00.

Oh, I'm sorry. The doctor's running late.

- I guess I'll just wait here. - Oh, there's a seat right there.

(CLEARS THROAT)

You have enough room?

Plenty. Yeah, thanks.

Well, normally, I'm only half this size, but I've gained 50 pounds.

Do you have any idea what it feels like

to be bloated and constipated at the same time?

My last pregnancy I gained 60 pounds.

Oh, did you have trouble losing the weight?

No, I left half of it in the delivery room.

Damn!

Thirty-pound kid. That must have hurt.

The baby was eight pounds.

The rest was amniotic fluid, afterbirth and discharge.

I'm sorry, we must be making you really uncomfortable.

You think?

- Are you going to breastfeed? - Yeah.

But I'm not looking forward to those sore nipples.

And the leaking.

Excuse me.

Do you have any magazines for men? You know, like Car and Driver,

or Hooker and Handgun, something like that?

I'm sorry, we don't get much call for those.

How about Jack and Jill?

- I haven't read that issue. - You want crayons?

Do I?

Mr. Taylor, Dr. Fields would like to see you.

I was just gonna color the magic box first.

He's with your wife in his office.

- Hi, honey. - Hi.

Lloyd, it's been awhile. I haven't seen you since...

Since I delivered Mark.

You know, his head finally did round out.

Okay. So, why are we here?

So, you know all those female problems I've been having,

the cramps, the heavy bleeding...

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

They're caused by a large fibroid tumor on my uterus.

A tumor?

I'm afraid Jill's gonna need a hysterectomy.

Forgive me, but explain to me again what a hysterectomy is.

- Well, it's where we remove her uterus. - It's major surgery.

Oh, boy.

The good news here is

that these fibroid tumors are almost always benign.

Ninety-nine percent of the time. That's what you said, right?

That's right.

Well, how will having no uterus affect her?

Will we have to get her a special dog?

- He is joking, right? - You can't be sure 100% of the time.

It just means that I'm not gonna have any more periods,

and I can't have any more children.

- We already decided on that. - Yeah, I know, but I...

You're just talking about a partial hysterectomy, right? Not a total?

There... There is a "totalrectomy"?

Well, sometimes we also have to do an oophorectomy.

Yeah.

Where you remove her "oophs"?

Her ovaries.

If you take my ovaries, then that's gonna throw me into early menopause.

I'm really... I am not ready for hot flashes and mood swings.

- I know you're not. - Jill, at this point,

I see no reason that I'd have to take your ovaries.

But

we can't be sure until we get in there.

Until "we" get in there?

How many people are going in and how long are they staying?

When do we have to do this?

I can work you in on Friday.

- Friday? That's too soon. - If you need surgery,

- there's no reason to wait, honey. - I have to finish my thesis.

Can't we do this, like, a week after next?

No. Unfortunately, I'm leaving on Saturday for three weeks.

I don't think it's a good idea for you to wait that long.

Well, I guess I could just try to finish my thesis by Friday,

and whatever I don't finish,

- I'll just do while I'm recovering. - Good.

Then I'll schedule you. You have any questions?

How long do I have to be in the hospital?

About three days.

I've got a question.

Why do those maxi pads need wings?

It's my own stupid fault. I put off going to the doctor for two years,

now I got a tumor the size of a cantaloupe.

(EXCLAIMS IN DISGUST)

How do you think I feel? I've got this hideous thing growing inside me,

I didn't even know it was there.

I hate the whole idea of surgery and anesthesia.

I hated it, too, the first 10 or 15 times.

But I've come out smelling like a rose, honey. It'll be all right.

Honey, all you've ever had removed were things that you swallowed,

got stuck to, or sat on.

I'm gonna go lie down.

Can I get you anything?

Yeah. Just tell me it's all a bad dream.

Hey, Dad. Look what Ronny lent me for Boyne Mountain.

Hey, great.

I got a little bad news, though. I think we might have to postpone the ski trip.

- How come? - Well, something came up.

It's not an emergency, but your mom has to have some surgery on Friday.

What kind of surgery?

Women's surgery.

Do you know what a hysterectomy is?

- Not exactly. - Damn.

I was hoping you knew.

Well, it's not serious as

if she were to get an oompah-pah-rectomy.

- What? - Hold on a minute. It's very simple.

If you were to cross-section a woman,

inside, it looks like a moose head with antlers.

And what they want to do is just remove the moose head part of that,

and leave the antlers intact.

- What? - What?

Illustration would be good, here. Think of your mom as a sink.

She looks good on the outside, runs hot, runs cold,

but she's having a little problem with the women plumbing department.

Her disposal is stuck in the on position.

She has to have it removed, because she hasn't seen a licensed plumber

in two-and-a-half years.

But, good news is, she doesn't really need the disposal anyway.

I'm gonna go look it up on the Internet.

Well, suit yourselves, fellas.

But I don't think it can get any clearer than this.

Come on. Up and at 'em, honey! We gotta get to the hospital.

It's almost 4:30.

- Come on. Come on, come on. - Okay, okay. I think I have everything.

I've got my clothes and the hospital card and my thesis.

Why are you taking your thesis?

Well, I'm gonna be there for three days. What am I gonna do?

Just lie around doing nothing?

Well, some people use that time to heal.

What are the boys doing here?

They wanted to be up when you took off.

(TEARING UP) That is so sweet.

Boys, come on! Get up! She's leaving!

Bye, Mom. Good luck.

- I hope it goes okay. - It's gonna be fine.

I'm not the least bit worried, and neither should you be.

By the time you guys are having lunch at school, I'm gonna be out of surgery

and back in my...

Well, I guess we should go.

Tim!

- Tim! - Honey, we gotta get going! Honey!

They're not quite ready for you in the operating room,

so I'll be back to get you in a few minutes.

JILL: Well,

I'll be right here.

Hey, Tim! What are you in here for this time?

Hysterectomy.

I guess that's the only thing left.

Actually...

How are you feeling?

Fine.

I wasn't fine when I first heard about the surgery,

but once I worked through my feelings, now it's just...

- I really want to go home. - I know you're scared.

What if they take my ovaries? You know, once I get on that table,

that doctor has carte blanche.

Come on, he's not gonna take anything he doesn't need.

The guy's not working on commission.

I don't know.

He drives a really nice cervix.

Lexus.

I wish my mother lived nearer.

She'd be good to have around right now.

You've had way too much Demerol, my friend.

Your mom drives you crazy when you're sick.

Well, that's just about little things, you know?

But this is big.

She's good with big.

And she'd keep you company in the waiting room.

Don't worry about me. I'm in the hospital.

I've got more friends here than anywhere else.

That's true.

- Are you ready, Mrs. Taylor? - No.

Yeah, you are. You'll be fine.

At 9:00, you'll be out, good as new. You will, honey.

- I love you. - I love you, honey.

I'll be waiting for you right here.

Doc, I want you to bag up the parts. I'm gonna check your work.

MAN ON P.A.: Dr. Hart to room 201. Dr. Hart to room 201.

Tim?

Hey, Wilson. What are you doing here?

What are you doing coming out of there?

Well, I was delivering a baby.

I got a call from the hospital this morning.

- They were short of midwife. - Kind of a midwife crisis, huh?

I'm between births right now, so I wanted to come out and see if you

- had found out how Jill was doing. - There's no word.

I mean, the doctor said this procedure was an hour and a half.

We're going into two hours and 47 minutes now.

Well, I wouldn't be alarmed. Surgeries are often delayed.

I hope that's it.

You suppose I could borrow that getup?

Maybe I'll sneak in there and see what's going on.

I think the hospital would frown on that, Tim.

I just want to know that she's okay, Wilson, you know?

I can't stand waiting. I feel like my hands are tied out here.

You know, Tim, Mahatma Gandhi said,

"The most potent instrument of action is prayer."

I don't really have one on the top of my head.

I'd love to say one right now that I've always found very comforting.

All right.

(CHANTING IN FOREIGN LANGUAGE)

Amen.

DR. FIELDS: All right. Let's give her a couple of grams of ampicillin.

NURSE: You got it. DR. FIELDS: We're gonna close.

I'll need a needle, sponge, instrument count.

Give me a Pean clamp.

- Give me some 0 chromic. - We've got a problem here.

She's going into shock.