Original subtitles

Fancy seeing you here. What are the chances?

What have the doctors said? Cancer. Months, not years.

I wanna do one last job with you before I die.

From Bert? We keep her at a distance.

If your daughter rocks up, what are you gonna offer her?

Half a dozen eggs or the chance to be set for life?

You'll be clearing seven figures.

You gonna do it? As long as I call the shots.

We are gonna steal the Face of the Great Masturbator.

'Symphony No. 9' by Beethoven

Que la paz sea contigo.

Que la paz sea contigo. Que la paz sea contigo.

Que la paz sea contigo.

Que la paz sea contigo.

Que la paz sea contigo. Que la paz sea contigo.

Que la paz sea contigo.

PRIEST MURMURING

SHE RETCHES

MURMURING

El cuerpo de Cristo.

El cuerpo de Cristo. Amen.

El cuerpo de Cristo.

El cuerpo de Cristo.

SHE GASPS, MURMURING

CLAMOURING

SPEAKS IN SPANISH

You OK?

Is she sniffing his bollocks?

That's the thing about great art.

You see something different every time you look at it.

What's it about, then?

So, Dali was obsessed with this Russian woman, Gala,

who he would eventually marry, but at the time this was painted,

she was married to the poet Paul Eluard.

Now, Eluard jibs off back to Paris on his own -

some would say a foolhardy decision on the account of the high chance

that Dali was gonna knob his missus if left unattended.

Anyway, he did, and in the process, this was painted.

There's all this guff about his contradictory feelings towards sex,

but I think he saw a woman having a wank and thought,

"Oi, oi, where's my paintbrush?"

Wow. You really have learned all there is to know about art.

So, up your jumper and down the stairs?

Well, we'll come to that.

First of all - my stroke of genius.

We're gonna execute a swap.

We're gonna get that off the wall

and replace it with a copy that's so perfect,

not even the greatest art experts would know it was a fake.

Go on.

I've made contact with the world's greatest forger.

And how does one qualify as the world's greatest forger?

If I could name all of his forgeries,

he wouldn't be a very good forger, would he?

Reputedly a boy genius.

The beauty of all of this is if we can pull this off,

no-one need know that a crime was even committed.

How do we get it out?

Oh, the finer details are so tedious.

That's why I need you to help me.

Four cameras in each room. Minimum of two security guards.

The Masturbator has a camera trained on it 24/7.

Post-modern. Dali would love that.

She also sits next door to the Guernica,

Spain's most famous painting.

So, scrutiny in this part of the gallery is rather high.

Obviously, we do it all after hours. No punters.

We'll have to swap the security feed

so no-one can see us going about our business.

To do that, we'll need a foolproof distraction.

What, like give them the old one-two?

It's 2025 - I'm not sure that still works.

Oh, come on. Tits is tits. SAM CHUCKLES

All right, so we employ a little more sophistication.

Anyone in mind?

Miss Take.

Look, she can pull the attention of the guards while we swap the feed.

Bert, I know you're sick and you think this is a good idea...

...but we need someone we can trust, and she doesn't trust us.

Therefore, we can't trust her.

I think she would use this to get back at us for leaving her.

She's got a very long memory. I'm sorry - no Miss Take.

OK, no Miss Take. But we still need to put a team together.

We bring people in, we lose control.

Or we don't bring people in and we fuck up.

No, we need a team. And we need them in close proximity.

SAM SIGHS We need to do this right.

I told you, I need to make the decisions.

I want this whole thing on a tight lead.

No, you want ME on a tight lead.

Yeah, with a muzzle on it. Which would be nice.

Oh! The fake - go on.

So, we break in at night,

and then we go up to the gallery with the fake.

And we wait for our perfect moment. What?

Sneak past all the guards in our invisibility cloaks

Well, I know a woman who can help with that.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Jackie Diamond? Mm.

So, Jackie helps us get in undetected?

Yeah. She'll disable the lasers and help get the painting off the wall.

The alarm is triggered by a change of weight.

ALARM BLARES

So it needs to be deactivated? Or we counterbalance the painting.

Oh, that's much trickier.

Which is why we need Jackie's expertise.

SAM SIGHS

She's been doing these tricks for 30 years.

And then if we can pull that off,

we take the real painting to the gift shop,

marked for collection.

Hola. La collection?

'The next day, they unwittingly hand over the real Masturbator.'

And we just walk out of here? Yep.

With a ten-million-euro painting under our arm

that no-one even knows has been stolen.

It's gonna be a lot of work.

We're gonna need a Plan A, and, if we've learnt anything,

we need a Plan B and a Plan C.

Yeah, and just in case - Plan D. SAM LAUGHS

What? You're off your rocker.

Yeah, but you love it, though, don't you?

What's not to love?

Ah, if we bring anyone in, they're gonna need paying.

Have you got any funds?

I had a matador costume that was worth 200 grand,

but someone decided to return it.

And the forger needs paying before he starts work,

so got any bright ideas how we can make some quick money?

HE SIGHS

Do you know anyone else?

He was it, and he was a long shot. You haven't got any other contacts?

No, I told you, I don't know anyone. That's not how I live any more.

I'm just struggling to believe

that you woke up every day for the last ten years

with infinite possibilities stretched out in front of you,

and you thought, "What am I gonna do with all my lovely time

"and all my lovely freedom?

"I know, I'm gonna go and feed the pigs."

Before I went inside, you were hell-bent on finding Caitlin.

Don't. What?

Say her name.

Well, did you get anywhere? No.

Sorry. Don't be.

How hard can it be to track her down, though?

What is this, Bert? Mastermind?

Specialist subject, the daughter I gave up for adoption at birth?

If it is your specialist subject, you're not very good at it.

It wasn't a legal adoption, it was through the Church.

You know that. Yeah, I know.

I've contacted them, but there's no way of finding her,

because there's no record.

So I've left letters, so if she wanted to find me,

she would know how, but it has to be her decision.

So do a DNA test. SAM SIGHS

Cos then if you're in the system and she does one,

you get a notification - boom.

Put my fingerprint into a database?

More chance of the police turning up at my door than my daughter.

Well, what if she does rock up?

What's she gonna think about you living like Goat Peter

on the side of a mountain?

Maybe I could help you. No. Under no circumstances.

OK.

What about Miss Take?

It's a no for the job, but she can sell the jewellery for us.

No! Bert, I know she means a lot to you,

but there's a reason why we left her.

She played mummy when it suited her, but she's a user. Fine!

What? I've just said I'm not going, so I'm not going.

Still got to sell those, though. And we're agreed on Jackie, right?

OK. Let's get her on the hook.

SAM AND BERT LAUGH

SAM WOLF-WHISTLES

THEY LAUGH

Always said your vagina could light up a room.

I got your letter.

Whatever you're planning, I'm not interested.

How much? Fuck-off money.

Well, that depends on how much value one puts on fucking off.

Everyone's got a price. What's yours?

That's not how it works.

You come to me with a price if you want my services,

and then we talk.

We need to run the numbers.

Well, maybe get your ducks in a row before you make an approach.

That's not a no. But this is - no.

Why?

I'm settled. I'm happy.

SAM SCOFFS

And it's too risky. It always is with you two.

And ten years without a peep from either of you

has been very peaceful - thank you.

You'd be behind the scenes.

If anything happens, it won't come back on you.

OK. It's good seeing you. Stay lucky.

500,000.

It's a ballpark figure,

but I guess we'll have to get some other magician to build our rig.

Bullshit.

It's still a no!

What do you think our chances are? She'll buckle.

I saw the euro signs in her eyes.

Why didn't you tell her you have cancer?

I mean, it might have helped. Act mercenary? No.

I don't want everyone to know. Well, people are gonna find out.

I'm feeling stronger now I'm out. It's easier to manage.

Tiredness comes and goes, and...

if it comes, then I'll just make myself scarce.

It doesn't make you look weak, admitting to it.

I think we both know that it does.

Look, I'll make you a deal.

If it gets too much, I'll let you know,

but for now, let me just live each day as it comes.

SAM SCOFFS, LAUGHS

PHONE BUZZING

Ah. Crown jewels. Forger's landed.

First, we've got an appointment. With who?

The buyer.

Hello.

Oh...

Erm...

Sorry.

Ooh! My knockers. Calm my nerves.

CLACKING

Sorry.

Got it.

Yeah, I don't know, I just feel like...

I feel like I've noticed a difference.

I'm having 150g of protein a day.

I set an alarm, 3am - have two chops on a plate on my night stand.

My muscle gains have been... off the hook.

I thought you were here to watch and learn?

I am! I am watching... Ah!

I am watching... Ah, ah!

"Watch" being the operative word.

Look who's at the front of the queue.

You're joking, aren't you?

'Deegs?' You'll never guess who's legged it to Spain.

'Go on.'

Bilal, that gambler who owes us a hundred grand.

Little bastard.

Where's he gone? Fuck knows.

CHILDREN PLAYING

You are here to meet Celine? Yeah.

This can't be right. Who is this buyer?

She's a feminist art collector

willing to spend millions on a private collection.

Apparently, she collects pieces

where the muse has been exploited by the artist.

This place is hardly screaming "high art", is it?

Gracias. Gracias.

TOY CAR SIREN BLARES

Where the fuck are we, Bert?

Do your kids like parrots?

Please, sit.

Ah. That's designer. It's not meant for arse-parking.

OK...

So... why you?

Why don't I just wait for Isabella to leave prison?

Isabella's got years to serve.

I can get you that painting six weeks, tops.

And Isabella wants 15 million. I want ten.

Yeah, but I don't know you.

I certainly don't know you. She's my partner.

I trust her, and it's me that's taking all the risk.

We have a plan, and no-one will even know there's been a crime.

But for that, we need to know that the job is ours.

CELINE SCOFFS Ten million's a lot of money.

Stealing a painting's a lot of work. And risk.

But if we don't have you the painting in six weeks,

you can go back to Isabella.

But this way, you have no risk,

little outlay and the painting you've always wanted

for two-thirds of the price you were willing to pay.

And if you were in any doubt of our capabilities...

CELINE SCOFFS

You nicked the Crown of Thorns?

Yeah, right from under everyone's noses.

It's a little gift,

just to show you everything you've heard about me is true.

Yeah, well done.

Now every man and his dog from here to Tarifa's looking for it.

Not if it just sits in your private collection.

What, this thing?

Look at it. It's an eyesore.

Well, the gold itself is worth a small fortune... Oh, hang on.

Let me get my smelting kit out.

Turn it into sovereign rings, shall I?

Boys down the market will be happy.

OK, we'll get rid of it. No.

Let's see how you work under instruction...

...and real pressure.

Then I'll decide if the job is yours. You put it back.

BERT SCOFFS Today.

The cathedral isn't open to the public.

Exactly.

It's a perfect little spot

for you two to show me what you're capable of

before I agree to you being my supplier.

OK? Off you pop.

SAM SIGHS

I want it back there by six. Raphael?

Introduce them to Nacho.

Sharpen the mind.

DANCE MUSIC BLARING, MUFFLED GRUNTS

You made out like it was a done deal.

It wasn't, and now we're on the back foot, singing for our supper.

We'll return it, it's fine.

She knows who we are, I've pitched her for months.

She's just testing us.

Yeah, can I touch on the fact

that you stole a relic without telling me?

And for what? To show off to some woman you don't even know!

I stole a relic to remind you how good I am at this shit.

To prove myself to you! SAM SIGHS HEAVILY

Oi!

Do you like my new hat? SAM SIGHS

Fuck's sake.

We're gonna need more than your shit hat.

It's a good job I kept some of our stuff.

Did you?

PHONE BUZZES

It's the forger. Shall we go and welcome the talent?

Well, we'd better be quick.

Cos if that lunatic says it needs to be put back today, it's today.

I'm not getting strapped to a chair.

WOMAN LAUGHS

Right, I'm gonna hold that, and then you've got to breathe in.

THEY INHALE Four, three, four, hold.

You have such a pretty nose.

That's it, do it one more time. Right, OK.

Last one. Now you breathe in...

TOILET FLUSHES

There's more to this than looking pretty, you know.

You need to treat the equipment with respect.

Put everything away at the end of each show.

Check the safety on each trick before each show.

Isn't that what you're here for?

He does this, you know. Gets infatuated.

Then he'll start to pick holes in you.

And you'll start to feel like you're not good enough.

But by then, he'll have moved on.

The only person who won't be moving on is you, Jackie.

Because you're the kind of person that lets people pick holes in you.

This is just a stepping stone for me.

Don't talk to me like that, you little madam.

You're still gonna be stuck here in 20 years' time,

looking like a two-pound sausage in a one-pound skin.

You don't know anything about me. Don't I?

Well... I know when I've touched a nerve.

SHE SIGHS

Oi, oi, Bili-boy! Welcome to Espana.

Pleased to meet you, Bilal. I'm Sam.

Hiya. Erm... Oh.

It's boiling here, in't it? Cheers...

I'm sweating cobs. Er...

So, when do I get my money?

Yeah, shall we show you around first before we talk turkey?

All right for you?

Got all your stuff, and your...

...beans.

SLURPING

Mmm.

I go through a four-pack a day, so... Yeah, sure.

Well, we'll get you some more. And Wi-Fi?

Need to ring my mum. Mm-hm.

Let her know I've got here OK, she'll be... worrying.

Mm-hm. So...

Money.

Yeah.

There you go.

Well, this in't what we agreed. I need a hundred, I've got bills.

10K doesn't cover your bills?

We agreed a hundred.

And I never start painting until I've got all my money.

Can you sort my wimple? Thought you'd never ask.

PHONE BUZZES

Shit. Celine.

Oh, er... But we're here to meet the...

We... We could, er...

Ah, of course.

PHONE BUZZES

Hiya, Mum! Take a look at this place.

'Oh, lovely!

'I've got some of your school friends here.

'Prak and Gary.' Wait, wh...?

'All right, Bilal, mush.' 'Lovely gaff, that. Where is it?'

Erm... Spain, somewhere. I don't know.

What Are you two doing there? 'We could ask you the same thing.

'Jibbing off to Spain without inviting us!'

Mum... you don't have to make these two cups of tea.

Why don't you go for a walk or something?

'You can't send your mum out in t'freezing cold

'while you're sunning it up over there.'

'Hey, look at the workmanship on that.'

'Give that here. It's from Dunelm.'

'Oh, I've just thought - you know who's over near you?'

'Tell him.' 'Deegs. You'll have to meet up.'

Oh, he... he don't want bothering with me.

'Oh, I reckon he does. That hundred grand you owe will go a long way.

'He's there to invest in a gym in the main plaza.

'I'll text you the address. Make sure you see him tomorrow.'

Aye, smashing.

'See you!' 'Ta-ra, Bilal.'

Hablas ingles? Yes, no problem.

We're visiting, and we'd love to pray.

Of course. Please, Sister, do you prefer a Lady Chapel?

Oh, she does. Don't you, Sister?

Yes. In fact, she has a lovely Lady Chapel herself.

There are always people in and out of it.

Ah, OK. Follow me, please.

PRIESTS CHATTER IN ITALIAN

CLEARS THROAT

What is it about the Virgin Mary?

Mother of Christ. Adored by millions, prayed to daily.

No, the fact that it's so sacrosanct to be a mother.

I mean, any fool can knock out a sprog.

I didn't mean you.

Caitlin would be lucky to have you.

Is there anyone you would like me to hold in my prayers?

Yes, there is a family friend.

She's dying. I'm sorry.

She's worried, and I don't know what to say to make it better.

Our job is not to make it better. Our job is just to be there.

I find small kindnesses help.

She's being cared for by her best friend.

But I do worry about the burden that that places on her.

Her friend... at the end.

Hail Mary, full of grace. The Lord is with thee.

Blessed art thou among women,

and blessed is the fruit of thy womb, Jesus.

Holy Mary, Mother of God, pray for us sinners now

and at the hour of our death. Amen.

Please, excuse me.

Sister, she gets very emotional.

Father? Yeah?

Would you hear my confession? Mm-hm.

Bless me, Father, for I have sinned.

But I have been having very, very bad thoughts.

I've had thoughts about putting things...

...the wet, wet dreams, Father.

HE GULPS

Your penance is ten Hail Marys and, erm...

Mary... Mary be...

glory... the glory.

Hail Mary. Bless you, Father.

HE EXHALES

'Madam Butterfly' by Giacomo Puccini

You OK? Yeah. Yeah.

One and done, then? Yep, but what a one.

Bonjour. Not a cop, then?

Not a nun, then?

HE CHUCKLES

Miguel tells me you handled yourselves with panache.

Mm-hm. So, do we get the job, then?

I'm only as good as my last job, and if I give it to you,

you're in charge of my reputation.

So am I gonna stick my neck out and say yes?

OK. You've got the job.

Now, don't fuck this up.

POP MUSIC PLAYS

What time is it? Eleven.

What? No, no. I wanted you to get some rest.

Here.

Ta.

What are your wishes, Bert?

We need to talk about it.

Well, I'll tell you what I don't want - a wicker coffin.

May as well put me in a waste paper bin.

THEY CHUCKLE

OK. I want a silk-lined coffin in the heaviest mahogany,

because I want the pallbearers to buckle at the knees.

Of which you will be one, at the front, first on the call sheet,

wailing and gnashing your teeth.

Oh, I'm not dead yet.

Yeah.

Come on. Jackie.

No, no. I'll have another run at her.

You put your feet up.

I'm also working on a solution for our money problem.

I've found someone who can break down the jewellery

and sell it separately as gold and diamonds.

So we can get all the money we owe Bilal.

Now, get some rest.

Don't move.

If you're a good girl, Daddy won't shoot.

Oh. Well, what will Daddy do?

No. You don't get to cuff me any more.

CLICKING

Is it cos of your wanker husband? You're worth so much more than him.

Yeah. You're right.

I'm worth 500,000 euros.

And while you're mulling it, I want 10% up front.

EXHALES

How's that for a start? Worth more than 10%, I reckon.

Well... JACKIE CHUCKLES

I can't eat it. Hm.

But, er...

...I'll flog it if I have to.

Where do I sign?

BOTH LAUGH

Whoo!

Deegs.

Oh, look who it is, as I live and breathe. Harder.

It's not 100 grand, but I'll get you the rest tomorrow.

And in the meantime...

Look. Take this, it's worth a bomb. I painted it.

Big fat naked baby with wings? You taking t'piss?

Stop fannying about painting and get me my cash.

That's why I'm here, in Spain. I'm a painter, right?

And these people, they're paying me enough to pay you back.

Who's paying you enough? Some art people.

Would you tell Prak to leave my mum alone?

No-one touches Mummy if we get our money.

Who asked you?

I'll get you the money. Good. Cos if you don't...

I'll break your bastard fingers.

How are you fixed for painting with your feet?

CHUCKLES Go on, piss off.

DEEGS STRAINS

Well, you've just made a dying girl very happy.

SHE CHUCKLES

Can you give me a lift somewhere?

HIP-HOP MUSIC BLARES

Get us a pint.

LAUGHTER, CHEERING

So... how are you, Roberta?

Good, yeah. Considering.

How are you? You look well. Oh!

"Fabulous" is the word I think you're looking for.

Missed you.

Must've been hard in prison.

And now you're sick. Mm-hm.

Cancer? Yeah.

Started off as a tumour on my liver, and now it's...

Go on.

Sorry, are you a doctor now?

Roberta! Are you mad with Mother?

Shouldn't Mother be mad with you?

Why? Cos I went off to live my life?

I took you in when no-one else wanted to.

Yeah, so selfless Mother Teresa's got fuck-all on you.

Shall we stop reminiscing now?

You wanted to talk to me about something.

You mentioned in your letter.

Mm. Mm.

But maybe we save the adult chat for another time.

Just wanna know if you can shift these.

Sorry you're still having to make ends meet like this.

I've moved on. But I wish you well, though.

DANCE MUSIC BLARES

DRAG QUEEN GASPS

Wish me well, do you? You fucking bitch.

Bert! Mateo.

I'm so sorry.

Yeah, so am I.

That you're stuck with her. SHE SCOFFS

What happened?

I was about to offer her the opportunity of a lifetime,

but she never changes, so...

Bert.

I won't be here tonight.

Why? Where you going?

I'm leaving, Craig. Leaving?

Leaving me?

Yes.

You can't leave me, Jackie.

I can.

What about the show? Well, the show must go on.

Get Komet to help. What's she gonna do?

Everything I do...

...I do for us... for you.

And this is how you repay me?

Hello?

Bilal?

Hello?

Fuck, yeah!

Whoo!

Whoo!

The diamonds alone are worth thousands.

Just say you'll take a look.

Thanks.

Bert?

SIGHS

Boo.

You scared me.

I've been thinking about something.

Have you? You said you'd help me find Caitlin.

Yeah, well... if you think it's a good idea, I could.

Where would you start, though?

SAM CHUCKLES What do you mean?

I mean, where would you, Bert, go to find out where my daughter is?

I don't know.

You don't know where you'd begin the process of finding her?

Writing to her to establish a relationship?

You don't know how you would do that?

I found the letters.

I asked if you wanted my help to find her, and you said no.

But you'd already found her, you fucking psycho!

'These Boots Are Made For Walking' by Nancy Sinatra

♪ You keep saying You got something for me

♪ Something you call love But confess

♪ You've been a-messin' Where you shouldn't-a been messin'

♪ And now someone else Is getting all your best... ♪

Agh, fuck!

♪ These boots are made for walking And that's just what they'll do

♪ One of these days, these boots Are gonna walk all over you... ♪

Ugh!

BERT CHOKES

♪ You keep lyin' When you ought to be truthin'

♪ You keep losing When you oughta not bet... ♪

If you kill me, she'll hate you.

Take me to her, now.

Did you get my money?

What?

Agh! Fuck!

♪ Are you ready, boots...? ♪

BERT SPLUTTERS ♪ Start walkin'. ♪

Subtitles by accessibility@itv.com