Original subtitles

♪ Lost on the road of life ♪

♪ one little funny man ♪

♪ we forgot about ♪

♪ wearing the load of life ♪

♪ trying to understand ♪

♪ things he's not about ♪

♪ how can he believe today? ♪

♪ He was never shown the way ♪

♪ he's just an old fashioned man ♪

♪ living in a brand-new world ♪

♪ it's a brand-new world ♪

♪ was anything ever real? ♪

♪ Things he believed so much just don't seem to be ♪

♪ he isn't out of feel ♪

♪ he's only out of touch with reality ♪

♪ and lost in time ♪

♪ in a place we left behind ♪

♪ he'll never grow again ♪

♪ he just wants to know ♪

♪ if anybody really needs an old fashioned man ♪

♪ living in a brand-new world... ♪

Do you know where havenhurst is?

You got it, pal.

This is number 265 leaving bus terminal.

Destination-- Hollywood.

How much do I owe you?

$14.40.

I'll give you 12.

14.40.

5, 10...

$15.

Keep the change.

♪ How can he believe today? ♪

♪ He was never shown the way ♪

♪ he's just an old fashioned man ♪

♪ living in a brand-new world ♪

[Beep]

[Beep]

It's 7:30 in the morning.

[Beep]

[Beep]

Yes? Who is it?

Norman, is that you?

Yes. Who is it?

It's me, your dad.

Dad? What are you doing in town?

I'll tell you upstairs.

It's such a surprise. Why didn't you call?

Wake up!

Is this Norman chambers,

formerly of Tucson, Arizona,

who went to Los Angeles to find himself?

Of course it's me.

I just spent 11 hours on the bus--

you rode all the way from Tucson on a bus?

Would I lie about a thing like that?

All right, dad.

I'm on the third floor, apartment 3b.

Dad, don't take the elevator.

Why not?

There have been a lot of robberies.

Don't worry. I got traveler's checks.

It keeps breaking down.

You're better off with the stairs.

O.k. I'll try the stairs.

See you in a minute.

Oh, please! Please get up!

[Intercom beeps]

Come on!

What is he coming here now for?

[Beep]

Yes?

Will you press the goddamn buzzer?

Oh, I'm sorry, dad.

[Buzz]

We finally got caught.

Come on! Get up! Please! My dad is downstairs!

Dad will never understand.

Believe me, you don't know people like my parents.

They got set ideas about these things.

As far as they're concerned,

you can't live with someone unless you're married.

Come on! Will you get up!

He'll be here any minute!

Oh, darn!

I was having the wildest dream.

Will you please hurry?

I was having lunch with Robert redford

at the brown derby.

He had the carrot salad,

and I had on this big pink bunny suit.

My dad's downstairs.

You got to get dressed and get out of here.

He doesn't know about us.

He doesn't know?

No. I didn't tell my folks yet.

But they sent me a Christmas card.

No, they didn't.

I did.

I signed their names to it.

Oh, wow! Am I crushed!

Norman, we've been living together

almost a year now.

Why didn't you tell him?

Garson, you got to leave.

Leave?

Just for a while.

But it's 7:30 in the morning.

Will you hurry up?

[Intercom beeps]

Oh, what now? Will you get dressed?

[Beep]

Yes?

Where the hell are those stairs?

The first door past the elevator.

I wound up on the street again.

You went in the wrong door.

I know that, or else I'd be upstairs with you.

I'll take my chances with the elevator.

O.k., dad.

Norman, one more thing.

What?

Press the buzzer.

[Buzz]

Hurry! He's taking the elevator!

I don't know why I can't meet him.

I make a darned good first impression.

The a&P manager said I had charisma.

I just don't want my father to see it right now.

I know I'm having a nightmare.

Any minute now, I'm going to wake up

and be sound asleep again.

Please, god, let this be a nightmare.

Get out of here!

She's not listening.

[Doorbell rings]

Stand here and be quiet.

You're really not going to introduce me?

No.

A traumatic incident of this magnitude

could conceivably bring my repressed hostilities to the fore.

[Ding-dong]

Hey, dad! Come on in!

All right, son. How you feel?

All right.

Looking good.

Say, what kind of building is this you're living in?

Somebody painted all over the elevator

"larry Davenport is a bitch."

yeah, he is.

You're looking good, dad.

What brings you to Los Angeles?

It's a nice place you got here.

You're like me.

You got exquisite taste.

A little heavy on the purple,

but to each his own.

So, now, tell me...

What are you doing here?

Sit down, Norman.

Have you heard from your mother?

No. Why should I hear from mother?

You remember uncle Albert?

Yeah, I remember uncle Albert.

What happened to him?

The same thing happened to your mother.

Dad, what are you talking about?

They ran off together.

What?

That's right. They ran off together.

Dad, you got to be kidding.

It's no laughing matter.

Your mother and my brother

are cohabitating in a motel in Mexico...

And I hope they're drinking the water.

I can't believe it. Uncle Albert?

Uncle Albert to you,

brother Albert to me,

and Sidney poitier to your mother.

That's ridiculous.

Ridiculous, huh?

Norman, it's true,

and after 26 years of marriage.

Mother and uncle Albert together?

What a strange combination.

I know. I've seen them both naked.

On separate occasions, of course.

How did it happen?

Who knows?

The thoughts been going through my mind.

Not only is uncle Albert my brother,

he's also my partner,

which means he's probably screwing me there, too.

Dad, relax. How about a glass of juice?

You got orange juice?

Yeah.

You got vodka?

Vodka?

Vodka.

Yeah.

Forget the orange juice and give me the vodka.

All night long on the bus,

I kept saying, "Should I tell Norman

or shouldn't I tell Norman?"

when something like this happens,

how long can a man keep it inside?

When did you find out?

Last night during all in the family.

Your mother called me from the Buenas noches motel in Ensenada.

Why would mother tell you where they're staying?

You know your mother.

She doesn't want me to worry.

Get this-- they registered as Mr. and Mrs. Smith.

Your uncle Albert is really clever.

Here.

Serve them right if I became an alcoholic.

[Ben] What am I going to do without this woman?

How we struggled.

From nothing we built ourselves

a nice, respectable dry cleaning business.

Last year alone Albert and I netted $15,000 apiece.

Now she's gone.

What am I going to do?

Who will replace her in front of the store?

That very attitude is probably why all this happened.

What?

Mom runs off, and you're worried about

who's going to replace her in front of the store.

You think that's not important?

I'll tell you something about your mother.

She was good in front of that store.

People liked her.

She had a way. Always a smile.

"good morning. How are you? How's the baby?"

boy, was she a phony,

but that's why she was good for business.

But, dad, did you love her?

Did I love her?

Of course I loved her.

If I didn't love her,

would I let her touch my cash register?

I'm not a bit surprised

mom decided to have herself a fling.

A fling?

This is no fling. It's the real McCoy.

How do you know?

When she left, she took the family album.

So?

No woman takes a bunch of old snapshots on a fling.

Any fool knows that.

[Norman] Apparently something was missing in her life.

[Ben] Let me tell you something about women.

They're selfish, they're conniving,

and if you don't care too much for dancing,

you don't need them at all.

Let me give you some advice.

If you can work it out, stay away from them.

Yeah, uh...

Let's talk about it when I come home from work.

I got to dress two windows...

In Beverly Hills.

You still doing that window trimming stuff, huh?

I have nothing against your profession,

but I don't need it.

At the store, I have one sign--

"moth proofing a specialty."

I'll tell you what's important in business.

Personal contact.

That's why your mother was so valuable at the store.

Yeah, dad, o.K.

Let's see about getting you a hotel room.

I don't need a hotel room.

I'll stay right here with you.

You mean here?

I'll sleep on the sofa.

I just don't want to be left alone.

You understand, don't you, Norman?

Yeah, it's just that--

[crash]

What's that?

Oh!

Um...uh...

Who's in there?

Someone in there?

Well, uh...

As a matter of fact, dad...

Mm-hmm.

Norman has hisself a little friend, huh?

There's nothing wrong with that.

I was quite a gay blade myself when I was your age.

Before your mother, of course.

I didn't have my own fancy apartment.

We used to meet twice a week

in my father's garage

in the back of his packard.

Um, it's not a girl, dad.

It's a fellow.

I mean, from next door.

He's using my bathroom because his toilet overflowed.

Oh, look. I accidentally dropped

this picture of normie.

Isn't it awful? I could just die.

I could just roll up and die.

Dad, this is Garson Hobart.

Garson, this is my father.

How do you do?

Mr. Chambers, welcome to the city of the angels.

My god, it's uncanny.

The same bone structure,

the same flashing eyes,

the same cute little pixie smile.

Oh, you're going to be my new best friend.

I hear you're having trouble with your toilet.

I was just telling dad

you were having trouble with your bathroom.

It's hard to get a crease in velvet pants.

I won't touch them in my place.

Dad's going to be staying here.

Fabulous!

Let me plan your itinerary.

There's so much to see.

There's Disneyland

and grauman's Chinese theater,

the Hollywood wax museum,

the queen Mary.

You are going to love L.A.

It's just full of surprises.

Just look in any closet.

Why don't you take your suitcase

into the bedroom,

and I'll be right on in?

Nice meeting you, Garson.

Any friend of Norman's is a friend of mine.

He's just using my bathroom.

There. See? He likes me.

I say we go in there right now and tell him.

No, Garson. It's not the right time.

Let me be brutally frank.

I don't appreciate living a lie like this.

Garson...

Tonight I'll make a special dinner.

We'll eat out here on the patio.

We'll use the gold tablecloths and the candles.

I'll make the duck with the cherry sauce,

we'll put on some Diana Ross records,

and at dessert we'll tell him.

Garson, don't get angry,

but I don't think I'll be able

to tell him tonight, either.

When he sees me washing and cooking and cleaning,

he's going to know I do a little more around here

than just use the toilet.

You're just going to have to move out.

Move out?

Until I'm able to talk to him about us.

Where will I go?

Couldn't you go to Jerry and Phil's?

I can't stand them--

Jerry with his orange hair

and Phil with his new nose.

They make me nervous.

What about George and Jose?

I'm telling you, normie,

I am not leaving this apartment.

You're going, and that's final.

Tell me the truth, normie...

Are you ashamed of me because of my height?

Of course not, Garson,

but you got to leave.

All right, don't say another word.

If you need me, I'll be upstairs...

At Larry Davenport's.

What do you want to go up there for?

What do you care?

You want to throw me out,

you throw me out.

But why go to Larry Davenport's?

Because Larry Davenport respects me.

Oh, yeah?

Larry Davenport is crazy...

And I wish you would stay away from him.

You just don't like show people.

You know what really hurts

about your mother and uncle Albert?

They ran away in my car.

Garson, please...

All right, all right, I'm going.

I won't make a scene.

I'll be back to pick up my things later.

Have a super time in sunny California, Mr. Chambers.

Ciao! Bye-bye, normie.

Don't be surprised if one day you find your name

painted on the elevator wall.

I'll show you where you can put your things.

Velvet pants--

I won't touch them in my place.

Will one drawer be enough?

Plenty.

You take the left side, I'll take the right.

O.k.

Hang your suits up here in the closet.

Uh-huh.

I better get washed up.

I got to go to work.

For a fellow, you keep a nice, neat house.

That's your mother in you.

That's another thing I'll miss about her.

Even if she was sick in bed,

the house was spotless,

and I always had clean underwear.

Maybe it don't seem like much to you now,

but when you hit 50,

clean underwear, color television,

and stewed prunes are right there in the top 10.

His mother said he was shy.

[Chuckle]

Saks fifth Avenue.

Size 14.

Well, she's big,

but at least she comes from a nice family.

What did you say?

Nothing. I was just admiring your closet.

Beatrice was a size 7 when I started courting her.

26 years you live with a woman.

All of a sudden,

you find out she got hot pants.

Maybe it wasn't all her fault.

Uncle Albert is a bachelor,

and he's three years younger than I am.

Dresses all flashy.

Mr. Cool. Wore them shades.

More rings and bracelets than Sammy Davis Jr.

Always had a jive attitude.

"my man! Give me some skin! Right on!"

all that stuff.

All that old bull.

Maybe some women might have considered him sexy.

Maybe mom actually loves him.

No. It's deeper than that.

How could a woman walk away

from the kind of life I gave her for love?

Albert must have promised her the moon.

Maybe he paid attention to her.

Maybe he listened to her

and spent some time with her.

Go on.

Maybe that was enough.

Why don't you go to work?

All right, dad.

Here's the keys in case you want to go out.

I'll get home early as I can.

Don't worry about me.

It's over, forgotten, done...

And that's that.

They deserve each other.

That son of a bitch gives her a disease,

I'll kill him.

[Ring]

Hello. Lawrence Davenport's apartment.

Hello, Larry.

Whom shall I say is calling?

Come on, Larry, this is Norman.

Is Garson upstairs?

Let me check.

Is there a Garson in the house?

I don't want to talk to him.

I don't believe anybody by that description

is presently on these premises.

Larry, stop playing games.

Let me talk to him.

Garson, that's a wrap.

That Tucson tootsie done found us out.

All right, speak.

I'm sorry about pushing you out.

Why don't you check into the Beverly Wilshire hotel?

You evicted me.

I didn't evict you.

Oh, yes, you did.

Have you told him yet?

It's just not the right time now.

♪ Millie's on the methadone ♪

♪ and Jill is on the juice ♪

♪ tillie's on the telephone ♪

♪ but I'm on the loose ♪

What the hell is that?

That's Larry.

♪ I'm free as a flea tonight ♪

I'm not sure, but I think it's a fertility chant.

Garson?

♪ "t" And "T" ♪

♪ bop be bop bop bop bop ♪

♪ mmm mmm ♪

Give me five.

Ha ha ha!

Lay back!

Ow!

Dammit!

I got to do it.

[Door slams]

What's fair is fair.

That woman had no business taking the family album.

A guy could get seasick in here.

[Woman] Operator.

I'd like to make a person-to-person call

to Ensenada, Mexico.

I want to talk to a Mrs. Smith

at the Buenas noches motel.

I don't have the number.

I'll look that up.

What is your number, please?

Uh, 550-7451,

and let me have the charges.

Certainly.

♪ Alone ♪

♪ alone on a night that was meant ♪

♪ for love ♪

I'm sorry, sir, but the Buenas noches motel

reports seven smiths registered there.

Seven smiths? What is it, a convention?

Operator, connect me with the man at the desk.

Buenas noches motel. Buenos dias.

I'm looking for my wife who checked in with my brother.

Buenas noches motel. Buenos dias.

Hable English?

Ah, ingles. Si.

How...are...you?

Listen, you foreigner, let me talk to the manager.

I...am...fine. Thank you.

Come on. Let me hable to the manager.

¿Como?

Man-a-ger. numero uno.

La boss. La maitre d'. Anybody.

It's murder trying to communicate with these bullfighters.

¿Que pasa?

Gringo loco.

[Speaking Spanish]

Buenas noches motel. Buenos dias.

[Ben] Look, I'm calling from Los Angeles.

Who's this?

Manuel Ortiz Gomez buenaventura de reyes.

Buenas noches motel in beautiful downtown Ensenada.

Oh, no. Listen.

I'm looking for my wife who checked in with my brother.

Your brother?

That's right, my brother.

They checked in as Mr. and Mrs. Smith.

Ah, Smith.

We have seven.

Yes, I know you have seven smiths,

but one of them looks like

she might have looked like Lena horne

a loooong time ago.

¿Como?

[Garson] Excuse me.

Oh, the bathroom? Go ahead and use it.

¿Como?

Not you, Manuel.

The smiths I want are driving a green Chevy impala

with Arizona license plates

and a bumper sticker that says,

"have a nice day."

look, Manuel, will this help you?

The man is wearing shades and a lot of jewelry

and has a gold tooth right here.

¿Que shades?

Huh?

Shades.

Sh-shades.

Shave.

[Speaking Spanish]

[Speaking Spanish]

Ah, si, si, si.

Right.

Listen, Manuel, this is very important.

What are you doing?

Would you ring her room, please?

I cannot do that.

There's a "Do not disturb" On the line.

A what?

He just packed a dress!

Hold on, Manuel.

Wait a minute! Wait a minute!

You're taking Norman's girlfriend's dress.

I...

Am she.

[Whimper]

Manuel.

¿Si?

I got bad news for you.

I think my son is a queer.

[Speaking Spanish]

[Ben] I'll kill him.

I'll kill him.

Your dad doesn't answer?

No. I hope nothing's wrong.

I'm really worried.

He was so depressed when I left.

It isn't every day a man's wife

runs off with his brother.

He came to me for sympathy and ran into Garson.

Oh, dear. I guess he doesn't know about you and Garson.

Oh, no.

I'm afraid that would really put him away.

Well, Norman, as I see it,

you've only got two choices--

either you tell him or you don't tell him.

Tell dad?

Hmm-mm.

Girl, you--

there's got to be another way.

Well...actually,

there is another way.

You're right. I got two choices.

Maybe I should get out of town for a few days.

That's crazy. I am out of town.

It wasn't my fault.

I took him to ball games and boxing matches.

When he was 4 years old, I bought him a tool kit--

wrench, hammer, knife.

Maybe it's the name Norman.

I didn't want to call him Norman.

Who calls his son Norman?

I wanted to give him a man's name, like Jack.

When you call the name Jack, a man shows up.

You don't get,

[fey voice] "Yes, dad, I'm coming."

you get,

[deep voice] "What is it, dad?"

what do you do, send him to a psychiatrist?

What do they know? They always blame the parents.

Maybe she was to blame.

I don't know. I just don't know.

Maybe we toilet trained him too early.

Maybe we toilet trained him too late.

Who knows what causes a kid to go haywire?

Yes, sir? May I help you?

Do you have a male salesman?

Ah, certainly, sir.

Mr. Cicari.

This gentleman would like to have a male salesperson.

Um, would you take over the inventory?

Yes.

Yes, sir. What can I do for you?

Do you have any, uh...

It's not for me. It's for a friend.

I'd like to know if you have a book on fairies.

Yes, sir. The children's section is right over there.

Section six.

I don't mean the mother goose kind of fairy.

You know what I mean.

It's, ah, the sissy fairies.

Our homosexual section is right back in the--

shh!

You got a whole section on homosexuals?

Certainly, sir.

Exactly what aspect of homosexuality are you interested in?

I told you, it's not for me.

It's for a friend of mine.

Not a close friend.

I mean, I just met him.

I understand.

No, you don't understand.

Never mind. I'll just browse around.

Closet queens are the worst.

Wow. Will you look at that?

American history-- one shelf.

Homosexuality-- a whole section.

And look at the titles--

homosexuality in america.

Homosexuality-- for and against.

The gay way.

All the president's men? I should have known.

Will that be charge,

or would you rather put this on your diner's card?

No. I'll pay cash.

I understand.

That'll be $49.68.

Damn, these books are expensive.

All hobbies are.

[Ben] Wow. I'm more confused than ever now.

Let's see. Here's a beauty.

Happily married man, two kids, one on the way,

a home in the suburbs,

bumped into the mailman one morning.

Their eyes met. Good-bye, marriage.

They are now living in San Francisco

and running a very successful boutique.

"we all have homosexual tendencies."

did I ever feel anything like that?

I remember when I used to go to the movies,

I liked Cesar romero a lot,

but once I got home, end of romance.

There's only one thing left for me to do.

I got to persuade him.

I'll beat the crap out of him

and drag his ass back to Tucson

where he'll meet another nice guy

and the whole thing will start over again.

One out of six. It says right here,

"one out of every six males in this country

has had a homosexual relationship of some sort."

one out of six.

Imagine that.

Why, in that game alone,

there's probably two or three of them.

Maybe I'm wrong.

Maybe it's not what I think it is.

A normal, healthy kid can have a cute apartment like this,

purple drapes, and a friend like Garson.

No, he can't.

I'm afraid my son has become a tinkerbell.

Well, here goes.

Hey, dad.

I tried to call you, but you were out.

Aha!

Homosexuality in the French revolution?

Are you denying it?

Is this what you are?

Calm down. Let me explain.

I don't believe it, I don't want to hear it,

and it's not true.

It is true.

It is not.

I'll show you. Walk across the room.

Walk across the room!

Look, if you--

you don't walk like one. Say Mississippi.

Dad, please.

Say Mississippi.

Mississippi.

Say it again.

Mississippi.

Perfect. See, you don't walk like one.

You don't talk like one. You're not one.

Don't get excited.

Tell me it isn't true.

Tell me you're on drugs.

That's it. You're on drugs.

Thank god. My son is on drugs.

You're a dope fiend, that's all.

Now I can sleep at night.

I'm not on drugs.

I'm not on anything.

Can't we try and be reasonable about this?

Reasonable? I'll tell you what reasonable is.

Reasonable is when a son leaves Tucson

and comes to Los Angeles

and his father drops in and finds him in bed with a woman.

A woman, you hear?

Fat, skinny, young, old, black, white, purple.

Anything--but a woman.

That's being reasonable.

Look, I am what I am, and that's that.

And I say you're not what you are,

and that's that.

Norman, have you tried seeing a physician?

Why should I? I'm perfectly happy.

How can you be happy without a woman?

A lot of people are.

Your uncle Albert wasn't.

We've got to stop this thing before it gets out of hand.

Try to be understanding.

Aha, so that's it. I'm not understanding.

I knew it. It's my fault.

I worked day and night to support you, your mother,

and that son of a bitch uncle of yours.

Who in the hell has time to be understanding?

Some people are different.

If you were a cpa instead of a window trimmer,

this wouldn't have happened.

It would have happened no matter what.

How many lumberjacks have purple drapes?

They came with the apartment.

We have to solve this problem together.

That's what fathers are for.

Why can't you accept me as I am?

Wait until you have a son who's a homosexual.

[Telephone rings]

I'm warning you, Norman.

You can push an ex-marine only so far.

Hello.

It's me. Did you tell him?

I don't have to. He already knows.

Give me that phone. Hello, velvet pants.

Find another fella. The engagement's over.

You didn't have to do that.

Well, I've been patient long enough.

Would you please listen?

I'm tired of listening. It's time for action.

Listen, if I had done what you're doing,

you wouldn't be here doing what you're doing.

Where are you going?

Never mind where I'm going. Stay here till I get back.

And don't you dare read any of them books.

[Garson] Larry Davenport's residence.

Show business capital of sunny California.

Garson, stop fooling around.

I'm in big trouble.

Hello.

Hello.

New in town?

I just got in this morning.

Poor man. You look very troubled.

I'm not the least bit surprised.

I got a couple of big problems.

Well, you know what they say,

"life is like a Martini made with cheap gin--

"you might as well enjoy it.

You'll wind up on your ass anyway."

ciao.

Mwah!

Let's get out.

[Madam laughs]

First thing I got to do is get Norman out of this building.

Well, one thing's for sure, it wasn't none of my fault.

[Recording of Judy Garland] ♪ how can I ignore ♪

♪ the boy next door ♪

♪ I love him more ♪

♪ than I can say ♪

♪ doesn't try to please me ♪

♪ doesn't even tease me ♪

♪ and he never sees me ♪

♪ glance his way ♪

[Door opening]

Norman.

Oh, hi, dad.

Are you alone?

Yeah, I'm alone.

Oh...

Say, is that Judy garland?

Yeah.

Yeah, I used to like her. Nice singer.

I liked her in those movies with that short fellow.

What's his name?

Mickey Rooney.

Him and Cesar romero were my favorite actors.

It's funny, they never did a movie together.

They would have been good in a submarine movie.

They don't make them anymore.

Dad...

I know how you must feel.

Believe me, I'm sorry you're upset, but--

you're damn right I'm upset.

What you're doing is not natural.

Did you read any of those books you bought?

You must have gotten some insight into what a homosexual is.

I don't want to hear that word from your mouth.

You're as much man as I am.

I used to take you to the park and play catch.

We used an official national league baseball.

I'd throw the ball at you hard, and you always caught it.

Maybe if you'd dropped it,

I'd have been prepared for this new life,

but you always caught the ball.

You never dropped the ball.

You never dropped the goddamned ball.

Dad, unless you want to discuss this intelligently,

then there's no point in discussing it at all.

Good. The discussion is over.

Stay here. I have a surprise for you.

Dad--

just close your eyes and stay right here.

Don't move.

Stay right there, now. Don't open your eyes.

Right there.

All right.

Turn around and open your eyes.

Norman, this is Audrey.

Audrey, this is my son Norman.

Why, hello. He's cute.

What the hell are you trying to do?

I thought it would be nice to know her.

She's from Cleveland, and we got cousins there.

You can stick Cleveland.

I boiled my buns there for a year, couldn't clear 5,000.

Get out of here, dad.

Audrey will be nice to you.

Your dad said it's your birthday.

You got yourself an all-right old man.

Get out of here.

I'm doing this for you. Spend a little time with her.

All right, then I'm getting out.

Norman, please. One night. Try it.

What can you lose?

Excuse me, honey. Is he a virgin?

How can you be such a dumb bastard?

What's wrong with you two?

Watch your mouth. I'm your father.

Get out of my way, dad.

Wait, son. I didn't mean that.

Norman, please, son. I did this for you.

You think it was easy finding her?

I had to ask a cop.

Well, I'll be damned.

Is he coming back?

I can't believe it.

My son--a homosexual, my wife--an adulteress,

and me--I'm in the hooker business.

I've never been so depressed in my life.

I don't know what to do anymore.

His mother should be here.

She's shacked up in some Mexican motel with my brother.

I'll be happy when the shriners come back to town.

What am I going to do, Audrey?

What am I going to do?

Listen, I'd rather not get involved

with my clients personally.

All I know is I get paid whether something happens or not.

So, what's happening?

Hmm?

What's happening?

When a family from Tucson goes to hell...

Look out, america.

♪ Do you know where you're going to ♪

♪ do you like the things that life is showing you ♪

♪ where are you going to ♪

♪ do you know? ♪

♪ Do you get what you're hoping for ♪

♪ when you look behind you ♪

♪ there's no open door ♪

♪ what are you hoping for ♪

♪ do you know? ♪

[Melody] Hey, Norman.

Hi, melody. Can I come in?

Come on.

What's wrong?

You wouldn't believe what happened tonight.

Try me, honey. I don't shock easily.

Yeah, well, wait till you hear this.

My dad found out about Garson and me.

Oh, no. What happened?

The man went crazy.

I mean, he went absolutely crazy.

That man doesn't understand anything.

Norman, parents are notorious

for not understanding anything.

That's why...

It's a good idea to have someone that you could

sit down and talk things over with.

Have you had your dinner?

No. I'm too upset to eat.

Oh.

Well, good.

Then let's drink it.

Listen Manuel,

are you sure they're not in their room?

Senor, would I lie to an American?

Can you check again? Maybe they're in the shower.

There's a thought for the day.

Will you take a message?

¿Como?

Message. El messag-o.

Take a piece of paper and your plume.

Write this down and give it to senora Smith.

O.k. Shoot.

Dear Beatrice, sorry to interrupt your Mexican hat trick,

however, something very important has come up.

Anybody home?

Norman.

Manuel, I'll have to call you back later.

Buenas, ah, something.

Buenas noches.

Look at this. They even got a Princess phone.

Norman, I'm sorry about--

you.

Mr. Chambers, it's time we laid our cards on the table.

You're thinking, "What do I know about him?

What kind of education does he have?"

hold it.

I'm not thinking about the boy or his education.

The only thing on my mind is murder.

You just met me this morning. I'll grow on you.

You'll learn to love me.

I got nothing against you personally,

if I met you at a party, I wouldn't mind you at all.

I'm great at parties.

Ask normie.

Stop calling him normie. It's normal--Norman.

M-a-n, as in man.

Do you realize what you're doing to me?

It's what they did to Romeo and Juliet.

You mean Romeo and Romeo, you cream puff.

What are you doing?

I'll strangle you.

That's very immature.

It works.

Look, Juliet, when Norman left Arizona,

he was an all-American boy.

He wore sweatshirts, read popular mechanics.

In high-school band he played the tuba.

Not the flute. The tuba.

Don't go bananas.

That's right.

Dry cleaner goes berserk in tinseltown.

Keep away from me.

No court will convict me.

[Shrieking] Help! Help! Help! Help!

Ow. Aggh....

My back.

Is something the matter?

I'm out of shape. I've got to join the "Y."

is something wrong, Mr. Chambers?

Is something wrong? My whole life is falling apart.

All I had left was Norman, and who knows where he is now?

What are you talking about?

He got mad at me and walked out.

What did you do to him?

What any father would do in this situation.

I got him a girl.

A what?

A woman. You know, they have high voices,

and they're lumpier than we are.

Poor normie.

He got mad at me. For nothing.

I never saw him so upset.

It's the first big fight we've had

since he took his mother to the prom.

He took his mother to the prom?

Why didn't I think of that?

I stayed home and cried.

Garson, I need your help.

For what?

You got to help me get rid of you.

Mr. Chambers, you are some character.

Where do you think he could be?

I'm worried half to death.

He's only been gone a few hours.

Don't you worry. He'll be back.

You know, I just had a thought.

What are you doing Friday night?

You know, I have two tickets to the ball game.

I love sports. Don't you?

I used to play baseball with Norman.

I adore baseball. Two of the Dodgers are my best friends.

Which two?

I won't name names.

I won't even mention numbers, you devil.

I can't believe it. The great American pastime.

Thank goodness babe Ruth didn't have to see this.

Would you like a piece of apple? I'm famished.

No, thanks. I'm trying to cut down on fruit.

Between Beatrice, Norman, and now the Dodgers,

this has been one hell of a day.

Take it from me, Mr. Chambers,

every family has its problems.

I have a brother who married a Filipino.

Boy or a girl?

That's very funny.

It almost killed my mother.

Why should she be upset about that?

It's her one hang-up.

She was molested at a luau.

Melody, he hasn't changed.

I mean, he won't listen to anything

anybody says about anything.

I don't know why he won't listen to you.

I think you're very interesting.

Do you really?

Hmm-mmm.

And I also think that you're very intelligent,

terribly talented, and extremely attractive.

Yeah, but I have a problem.

And I got a solution.

Aah.

Excuse me. Cigar?

Oh, no thanks.

Oh, yes, please.

You know, after a delicious meal,

nothing tops a good cigar.

Oh, excuse me.

[Cough cough]

Hmm, say, I really got to hand it to you.

You're some fancy cook.

What do you call this stuff?

Prune flambe surprise.

Prune framble surprise.

Flambe.

Fam-flam-flambe.

[Belches]

Famble.

Flambe.

Prune flambe surprise.

Hmm-mm.

[Belches]

Pardon me. I'll have to remember that.

We'll just put these in the sink.

Tell me, Garson, does your family know about you?

Oh, yes.

My mother's known for a long time.

She tried sending me to all kinds of doctors.

One day I sat down with her over a cup of coffee

and said, "Adele, stop the bullshit.

You're wasting your time, and it won't do any good."

at what age did all this happen?

I was 15.

15?

Your mother let you drink coffee at 15?

No wonder you turned out funny.

What about your father?

Oh, he died.

I'm not surprised.

Here.

Say, you know, I just had an idea.

Maybe you should meet Adele.

Your mother?

Oh, yes.

Wouldn't it be hilarious if you two hit it off?

She is a real wildy.

We'd start dating, then get married, and you'd be my son.

No, thanks.

I'll take care of my own affairs of the heart.

Suit yourself, but a swinger like Adele

won't be available forever.

Close enough.

Garson, let me ask you something.

What do you get out of this relationship with my son?

I mean...

What kind of life is it?

What kind of security do you have?

Security?

Is that all a relationship means to you, security?

Everybody's got to think about the future.

Believe me, Garson.

There's more to life than going steady.

What happens when you get old?

Have you got a pension plan?

Are you preparing yourself for that rainy day?

There.

Nope. Dry your hands first.

What the hell is this?

"mutual of Omaha."

if something ever happens to normie,

I get $3,200.

There's no doubt about it,

you're sitting on top of the world.

Thanks for the dinner, but it's getting late.

I've got to get some sleep.

Late? It's only 9:30.

This is L.A. you can't go to bed yet.

We're going out on the town.

I've had a rough day, and I'm exhausted.

Oh, come on.

Let's get this straight,

I'm not going anywhere, and that's final.

[Applause]

[Piano plays that's entertainment]

[Hums with music] ♪ la la la ♪

♪ la la la ♪

Get the dress.

Good evening, everybody. My name is madam.

This is Larry Davenport.

Larry is no ventriloquist, and I am no damn dummy.

[Crowd laughs]

[Piano plays]

♪ Out where they say let us be gay ♪

♪ I'm going Hollywood ♪

Say, ain't that the Turkey I saw in the elevator?

Might be. That's Larry Davenport.

The bitch.

Hmm-mm.

The other night I was headed for a big Hollywood party--

come as your favorite fetish.

I went as a popper.

When I walked across the floor there,

I tripped on the pattern in the rug.

That's how stoned I was.

Then I thought it was time to leave.

I went outside, hailed a cab--

[whistles]

Cab pulled over,

I said, "Excuse me, sir.

Can you take a tray of hors d'oeuvres and a case of scotch?"

he says, "Why, certainly."

so I threw up in the backseat.

It was not one of your more attractive evenings.

But I had fun today. I went to Disneyland.

Wally made a lot of money with that damn rat.

I am sorry to report

I didn't find one whip, chain, or popper at fantasy land.

However, I did get a dwarf job on the snow white ride.

I did it all.

I went up on the matterhorn

and down on the mad hatter.

Oh, the mad hatter ride was so crowded,

I had to sit on Pinocchio's nose.

Then he told me the weirdest story.

I said, "Pinocchio, you know that's not true,

but lie, you little devil, lie."

I've got to meet my fiance.

That's French for the guy I'm doing it with now.

He's only 17 years old.

Larry here told me the other night,

"madam, you ought to be ashamed of yourself, dating that kid.

You should be careful."

I said, "What the hell, Larry. If he dies, he dies."

oh, my.

Violins, please.

[Piano plays]

I'd like to take my hair down.

I've done everything else tonight.

Get that down.

Off with the turban. Oh, good.

[Hums with music]

My fiance likes my hair down.

I say, if you got it, knot it.

[Woman in audience] Whoo!

Ahh!

When I was a young girl,

I didn't know what I wanted to be when I grew up.

I either wanted to be an actress, a hooker,

or an interior decorator.

I decided to be an interior decorator.

That way I could be all three.

♪ My heart should be well-schooled ♪

♪ cuz I've been fooled ♪

♪ in the past ♪

♪ and still I fall in love ♪

♪ too easily ♪

♪ I fall in love too fast ♪

Come on. Finish your drink.

I can't tell you when I had so much fun.

That Larry Davenport was funny.

Too bad ed Sullivan wasn't around,

because he would have liked him.

That other place you took me to

where the guy imitated dinah shore--

he was terrific.

Well, thanks a lot, Garson.

You know, it's almost 2:00.

I better get me some sleep.

You're right. You look bushed. We better turn in.

We?

Now, I don't want to hear another word about it.

I am staying here with you.

You are in no condition to sleep alone.

Oh, no, you don't.

Oh, it's no trouble.

I hope you don't mind sleeping on the sofa.

Sofa? That was a close one.

What do you like? Stripes or flowers?

Huh?

The sheets.

If you sleep pretty, you wake up pretty.

What have you got in puce?

I'll give you the stripes.

It will make you look thinner.

All right, give me the stripe.

You know something, Mr. Chambers?

I knew that we would hit it off

once you got to know me.

Garson, we're not hitting it off,

even though you did show me a good time.

My life would be less complicated

if you didn't exist.

Living with you is not going to be easy.

You're right. Why don't you go stay with your mother?

And what would that solve?

Maybe you'll get hit by a truck.

Mr. Chambers, there's a lot of Mussolini in you.

What's wrong with that?

I didn't approve of his politics,

but at least he dated women.

Boy, I cannot believe it.

What are you people afraid of?

Homosexuality is not going to stop the world.

It never has.

Are you any worse off because socrates was one?

And what about Nero and Napoleon

and Julius Caesar?

Where in the hell do you come off

talking about decent people like that?

You don't believe me? Here, read this--

famous homosexual geniuses.

See for yourself.

Oh, my god. Spiro agnew!

That's the author.

Oh, phew, what a relief.

Boy, it does look like agnew, doesn't it?

Anyway, read this.

All these names here--

chopin...

Michelangelo...

Tchaikovsky.

Lies! Lies! You're just saying that to upset me.

Boy, even Stephen foster.

That does it.

Go to your room.

Ooh!

For heaven's sakes!

I'm never going to discuss sex with you again.

Not Stephen foster.

♪ Beautiful dreamer ♪

Wait till I tell you about the Hollywood stars.

Go to your room and stay.

You missed.

You...

I don't believe it.

I don't believe it.

Not Stephen foster.

[Both giggling]

Shh-shh...

I can be had.

[Giggling]

Now, listen.

One of the reasons that I got you smashed

is to prove to you

that a man...

And a woman...

Can have a lot of fun together.

Now, you come on...

I'm going to show you just what I mean.

Come on...

Come on, darling.

♪ I dream of Jeanie ♪

♪ with the light brown hair ♪

Movie stars maybe,

but not Stephen foster.

Julius Caesar...Chopin...

Tchaikovsky...

Movie stars...

Everybody!

Everybody!

[Woman] And now the Nellie award

for the homosexual dry cleaner of the year.

The winner is... Mr. Ben chambers.

[Audience applauds]

It's just divine being here.

I'm sure we're all aware

that no one person can win an award like this by himself.

It takes at least two of us.

Oh, golly gee! There's just so many people

that made me what I am today--

Tchaikovsky, chopin, Julius Caesar,

and of course, Alexander the greatest.

[Audience laughs]

And of course, my dear, dear friend Stephen foster,

and I especially want to thank

a young man who probably had more to do with my being here

than anyone I know--

Garson Hobart, my son's fiance...

My son's fiance...

My son's fiance!

No! It can't be!

It can't be!

No! No!

No! Oh, no!

My son's fiance!

No!

Mr. Chambers, wake up! Wake up!

You're dreaming!

Ahh! Rape!

Rape!

Ohh....

[Sighs]

Good morning.

Oh, melody.

Breakfast will be ready in a minute.

Oh, boy.

Norman, I want to ask you something,

and I really want the truth.

Last night...

When you got me drunk...

And rendered me helpless...

Did you in any way...

Ravage me?

No, of course not.

[Clatter]

Melody.

Get your own damn breakfast.

I tell you, Adele,

you are absolutely going to adore normie's father.

He's fabulous!

He's, uh--

I don't know how to describe him.

He's sort of a cross between Muhammad Ali and Stan Laurel.

[Man] I really dig Stan Laurel.

Bruno, be quiet.

Now he's a bit of a grouch, but underneath,

I think he's really beginning to like me.

Why shouldn't he like you?

You're very likable.

You come from a good family,

and you're not a rowdy.

I fixed breakfast this morning,

and he helped me with the dishes.

What other man would do that?

I wouldn't.

Mr. Chambers sounds like a very interesting man.

How tall is he?

He's no Adonis like Godzilla over there,

but he-- he's kind of cute.

You ask him over to the house for cocktails,

and we'll have a nice long chat.

Here's your allowance.

Just run along and give my love to normie.

All right, love.

Good-bye, Bruno. Keep up the good work.

Geez...

[Telephone ringing]

Grand central station, crossroads of a million lives.

I must have the wrong number.

No, Mr. Chambers. It's me, Garson.

Garson, where are you?

Well, I'm here at home, you silly guy.

Good, stay there. I'll be right home.

He called this home.

Bruno, how could you?

A statue!

Oh, Garson!

Hi, Mr. Chambers, I'm here in the kitchen.

Come here. I got a surprise for you.

A surprise for me? Oh, I adore surprises.

[Ben] Well, close your eyes.

Are you serious?

Close your eyes.

All right, open them.

Oh, my god, that fur is stunning!

Who is she?

Audrey, meet Garson. Garson, Audrey.

Hello, Garson.

[Ben] How do you like her?

Well, she's an animal. She's just gorgeous.

Congratulations, Mr. Chambers.

I knew you would find someone

to help you forget your problems.

There goes another 35 bucks.

Garson, I brought her here for you.

For me!

This is not my luckiest apartment.

Go in the bedroom and get ready.

I'll take care of the customer.

I have to be at the tonight show at 6:00.

O.k., go ahead.

Mr. Chambers, is she the same one

you brought in here for normie?

Garson, she's a gorgeous girl.

Well, she's delicious,

but I don't understand you.

If it didn't work with normie,

why would it work with me?

Because I've been watching you these past few days, Garson,

and maybe you don't even know it yourself,

but you have a lot of heterosexual tendencies.

Oh, the man is positively priceless.

Little things you do, like the why you shake hands--

that firm grip.

Yesterday, you almost broke my fingers.

Remember? You tried to push me out the window!

Garson, at least you defended yourself.

Behind that door lies a new horizon,

a chance to go from ac to DC...

To go from a $3 bill to a 10-spot.

It's the big time!

Think of it as opening night.

May I go lie down for a minute?

Do me a favor! Go lie down in there!

You are out of your mind.

Try it. You'll like it.

Maybe if you had a shot of booze.

A little booze always helped me when Beatrice got sexy.

What can you lose?

What would I do with a girl?

Have you ever been on a roller coaster?

Of course.

You know that thrill you get from that steep hill?

Mm-hmm.

It's better than that.

Please, Garson, please.

[Beep]

I'll get it.

I'll get it.

It's my apartment.

I don't want your sissy friends here.

Fascist.

Hello?

Who's this?

It's Norman's father.

Ben, what are you doing here?

Beatrice!

Ben, let me in.

No, I don't want to see you anymore, Mrs. Smith.

Is that normie's mother?

Let me in!

I will not.

What happened to the romance of the century?

It's all over between me and Albert.

All over?

Ben, let me in. I'll tell you about it upstairs.

No.

Ben...let me in.

I have to use the bathroom.

Good. Suffer.

Oh, let the woman in.

What did you do that for?

I just want to meet her.

If she finds out about you and Norman,

it will kill her.

You know, things have a funny way of working out.

I'm going to go freshen up.

And heavy on the lipstick.

Mr. Chambers, I just love Arizona humor.

Now I got to get this right.

As soon as she walks in the door,

I'll walk up to her, and I'll say...

Beatrice, guess who might be able

to wear your old dresses.

No, it's too nice.

I need something more rotten.

Let's see...

Beatrice, you look so nice after such a long trip.

Guess whose son has a chance to become miss america.

Nope. Need more poison.

Ah, I got it.

Beatrice, you remember before Norman was born

you said you didn't care if it was a boy or a girl?

That's a good one. That's a good one.

[Ding-dong]

Ben! Ben!

Ben?

What kind of building does our son live in?

You know what somebody wrote in that elevator?

"garson Hobart is a bitch!"

I wrote it. I'm glad you're here.

I never want to see you again.

I didn't come here to see you.

I didn't know you were here.

How could you? My own brother!

I thought I was in love with him.

I knew you'd say that. I just knew it.

Why else would I run away?

He promised you something, didn't he?

What did he promise you? The moon?

He promised me my life would be much more meaningful

than it was with you.

That's it?

That's what he promised you?

Why didn't you ask me?

I could have promised you that.

And I guess you told Norman.

It's not Norman anymore.

It's normie.

What?

What color are these?

Lavender. Why?

How do you like it?

That color doesn't look good on you.

It looks worse on normie.

And what is that supposed to mean?

While you were playing hands across the border,

miss Dolores del rio,

our son was becoming a homo.

What are you talking about?

Your son is a homosexual.

Ha! You're making the whole thing up

just to hurt me!

Just to hurt me!

Beatrice, I swear to god.

If you and Albert haven't made plans to have a baby,

the family name ends right here.

Beatrice, I'm telling you Norman has sex problems.

That runs in the family.

What do you mean?

Someday when you have a free month,

I'll explain it to you.

Let me tell you something, you-- you chippy.

Hello, hello, hello, Mrs. Chambers.

I have heard so much about you.

Ohh!

Those hands-- they're so full of life.

Oh, my god.

Beatrice chambers, Garson Hobart.

Good luck to both of you.

Oh, my god.

I love your hair.

Those pictures normie has don't do you justice.

I can't get over how much younger you look in person.

You robbed the cradle, Mr. Chambers, you rascal you.

Shame on you.

You've got to tell me about your trip to Mexico.

Oh, my god.

You look pale. Can I get you something?

Aspirin.

One or two?

20.

What a sense of humor-- the entire family.

Emergency.

Well?

I leave town for a few days,

and this is what I come back to--

Norman a homosexual.

Where could he have picked it up?

We have no bad habits in my family.

What are you trying to say?

He got it from my side of the family?

Everybody in my family is married.

But in your family,

you have two sisters and a brother who aren't.

Well, I can't vouch for my sisters,

but my brother-- I know he fools around.

Beatrice, how could you?

Ben, not in front of him.

He knows.

There you are, Mrs. C.

There, now. I'm so glad you're here.

Normie will be thrilled to see you.

Where is Norman? I want to talk to him.

He's not here.

He ran away from home.

A child, 23, doesn't run away from home.

[Ben] Why not?

A woman, 49, did.

I demand to know where my son is.

Your son had a little spat with his father yesterday,

and we haven't heard from him since.

What did you do to him?

I did a terrible thing.

I brought him a sexy woman.

Where would you get a sexy woman?

I'm quite attractive to women,

and without a lot of imitation jewelry and a pimp suit

and a cheap toupee.

You'd look 10 years younger if you had one.

No, no, no. Not with that puppy face.

Longer sideburns might do the trick.

I'm happy with my face.

It's my life that's screwed up.

Mrs. Chambers, do not worry about normie.

He will be back.

Do you mind if I call you Beatrice?

It happens to be my favorite name.

Is it all right if he calls me Beatrice?

No! Get out of here.

I'd like to have a private chat

with, uh, playmate of the year.

I will be right in the other room.

If you need me, just whistle.

Out!

[Ben] Beatrice, I demand to know

why our son is like he is.

[Beatrice] I had absolutely nothing to do with it.

I was a good mother.

I taught him good manners.

I protected him. I shielded him.

Why, he-- he only saw my breasts once,

and that was by accident.

I told you to keep the door to the bedroom locked.

I was in the hallway.

What were you doing in the hallway with your breasts?

They go with me

everywhere.

Besides, he was only 4 years old at the time.

Damn it!

You don't know nothing about raising a homosexual!

Now, look.

Look.

The woman just got here.

She has had a long, hard trip.

Let her use the powder room.

We can all talk later.

Thank you, but I used the one at the airport.

But you told me downstairs--

that was so you would let me in.

Lies! Lies! The woman is full of lies!

What about you and Albert?

I don't want to talk about that.

Well, I do.

[Garson] Me, too.

Out! You're not part of the family yet.

Bully!

Bitch!

Are you ready?

Please, not now. I have a splitting headache.

Ohh.

All right, miss love-them- and-leave-them,

what are you doing in Los Angeles?

I told you it is all over between me and your brother.

It was a simple case of infatuation,

adventure, and total disappointment.

Quit stalling.

You know in Tucson, in the store?

Albert was Mr. Big shot.

But on the road,

he stopped at the crummiest motels,

the worst restaurants.

Listen, he bought the cheapest gas.

He ruined my car. Damn it, why didn't he drive his own car?

Because I wasn't about to drive from Tucson to Ensenada

in a souped-up pinto.

I told him not to buy a sports car,

especially with that bad back.

Oh, that's another thing--about his back.

You know what he had to do every morning?

He had to lay flat on the floor

for a half-hour, face-up.

Listen. He didn't move, he didn't blink.

He looked like he was dead.

You try explaining that to room service.

Ben, here's a man who said he would live with me

for the rest of his life,

and, Ben...

You know what he made me do?

I'll kill him.

I'll kill him.

It's getting good now.

Every night before going to bed,

he would lock me in the bathroom

while he hid his wallet.

Oh, Ben...

I tell you...

I haven't had a decent night's sleep...

Since I left you.

Beatrice, you're unbelievable.

You've come in here off your Mexican hayride,

you don't even say, "I'm sorry,"

and you expect me to forgive and forget

and take you back like it never happened.

I didn't say anything about you taking me back.

As a matter of fact, I don't intend to come back.

What do you mean?

Where the hell you going to go?

Nowhere, darling.

I'm staying here with Norman for a while.

Oh, fabulous!

[Ben] Garson, get away from that door!

How can you stay here, too?

I'm his mother.

I'm his father.

Well, I'm his--

shut up!

[Audrey] Hey, not so rough!

A lot of things we got to settle here.

There's Norman and Garson, you and me,

Albert and me, and you and Albert.

Oh, excuse me.

Make that five problems.

Who's that?

Norman...is that you?

I haven't got forever, you know.

She is the reason normie left in the first place.

Oh, the sexy lady.

What's she doing here now?

I brought her here for Garson this time.

What were you doing with her?

Ever been on a roller coaster?

Audrey, go put on your clothes,

and I'll introduce you to my wife.

Mrs. Chambers, what are you doing in town?

I heard about your affair. Girl, I think it's terrific.

Thank you.

How do you want to handle it this time?

I'll just take my account up right now.

You got an account with her?

Beatrice, please.

10, 20, 30...

31, 32...

You got three bucks?

I'll look in my purse.

33, 34, 35.

There. Now I've done everything.

Thanks. I want to be fair about this.

I'll tell you what-- I'll owe you one.

One? Shouldn't that be two?

One for Norman?

No. We're even on that one.

Go in the bedroom and put your clothes on.

Garson, you go with her.

Maybe you can learn something.

[Ben] Beatrice, this is all your fault.

My fault! Why is it my fault?

Because it's not my fault.

I was a good father to Norman.

Don't you tell me any different.

Oh, look, Ben, I'm not saying it's anybody's fault.

The only thing we can do now

is try to be more understanding.

If this is what Norman wants,

who are we to interfere?

God knows there's little enough happiness nowadays.

What are you talking about?

Do you know what you're talking about?

It's not like Norman was marrying a puerto rican.

It's more serious than that.

Listen, we're not the only family's got this problem.

You remember the Gilberts down the street?

Little Bobby Gilbert?

No. The father.

Sad, but they learned to live with it.

And you know the desappios

on, uh, elm street?

The father?

The twins.

The twins? Both of them?

That was a heartbreaker.

You know, Ben, it's a whole new world now.

It's all out in the open.

There's a sexual revolution going on.

And all of the leaders are in my family!

[Telephone rings]

Put that phone down, Garson! I'll get it!

Maybe that's Norman!

Who is it?

It's a collect call for a Mrs. Smith.

There's no Mrs. Smith here.

Give me that. It's Albert.

Hello? Yes, this is Mrs. Smith.

I'll accept the charges.

Hello, Albert?

You son of a bitch!

You no-good, lousy, greasy, funky lowlife bastard!

What you did was unforgivable!

Stealing my wife and my car!

You--what? O.K.

It's for you.

I don't want to talk to him.

[Garson] Oh, good for you.

You get that, lover boy?

You struck out.

And from now on at the store,

you open up.

Now let's get to the problem of me and you.

There's no problem. I'm just not coming back.

Why not?

I'm almost 50 years old.

You know the most fun I had in our 26 years of marriage?

You know what your problem is?

You expect too much out of marriage.

I didn't marry you to entertain you.

I knew that after the first week.

Touche.

Your ass.

Are you attacking my manhood?

What's the difference? It was 26 years ago.

Maybe you forgot that for the first 10 years,

we used to have sex

on average of three or four times a week.

You had sex. I was making out the grocery list.

If you didn't like it,

why didn't you say something?

Because in those days, women didn't talk about it,

but they do now.

Oh, Ben. Ben. Listen, Ben.

You know, Ben, honey, let me tell you--

between 10 P.M. and 7 A.M. in the morning,

you were boring.

Boring!

Well, it was your fault.

You knew good and well

once I finished reading the sports page,

I was available.

Oh, really?

Now, this is no time to be fighting.

Ben, I don't want to fight with you.

I don't want to fight with you.

Damn it, I sure hate working rush hours.

That freeway traffic is murder.

Ta-ta.

Ta-ta.

Ta-ta.

Ta-ta.

Mrs. Chambers, I don't usually do this,

but I think you ought to know.

You haven't got such a bad old man.

You were all he talked about.

You talked about me, Ben?

What did you say?

Well...

You said you couldn't live without her.

You said that, Ben?

Yes, he did.

Well, if you ever need me, you know where--

McDonald's on sunset.

You talked about me, didn't you, Ben?

Did you really say you couldn't live without me?

I may not be the best husband in the world.

I got one or two faults,

but the truth of the matter is...

I've loved you all these years,

and I still love you,

and I want you back in the front of the store.

You had to spoil it, right?

You had to go and spoil it!

How did I spoil it?

The front of the store.

That's all I mean to you.

All right, all right.

You come back with me,

and I'll hire somebody for the front.

I just want you with me.

You want me back after the thing with Albert?

That's not important.

What's important is we need each other.

Oh, Ben, I...

I don't know.

Please, Beatrice. Please come on back.

Norman!

Norman!

Mother, what are you doing here?

[Ben] Hello, son.

Hi, normie.

You look so tired. Are you hungry?

Garson, fix Norman one of those prune things.

No, thanks, Garson. I'm not hungry.

Where's uncle Albert?

As far as this family's concerned,

uncle Albert took a rocket to the moon.

Albert blew it. Something about hiding a wallet in the toilet.

Now, son, listen,

your father told me all about it.

I want you to know I don't approve,

but I'm not a fanatic like he is.

It's just finding out about Norman, the Dodgers,

and Stephen foster all in the same day

isn't the easiest thing.

Stephen foster?

He's just one of them.

Garson has a list that will set history back 1,000 years.

Mom, dad, can you listen for a minute?

The last thing in the world I wanted to do was to hurt you,

but you've lived your life the way you've wanted to,

and now it's time for me to live mine.

Can't you just accept that?

Oh, I am so proud of him.

I cannot accept it. Your mother cannot accept it,

and I forbid you to accept it.

That's it.

There's something you're going to have to accept, dad.

When I woke up this morning,

I was so confused and depressed and upset...

I went out and joined the Navy.

[Gasping]

[Beatrice] Oh, no!

[Garson] Ohh!

Garson, speak to me!

It's all right, dad. He's always fainting.

Forget about the Navy. You won't have to go.

Thank god you're a homosexual.

I can't use that as an excuse.

Your father will back you all the way.

I'll get certificates. I'll get papers, x-rays.

I'll get receipts--

dad, forget it.

I've joined fair and square, and I'll have to serve.

It may do me some good to get away from everything.

Oh, I don't believe it.

Me a war bride?

What am I going to do?

I don't know. We'll figure out something.

You know, I think I have an idea.

Garson will come back to live with us in Tucson.

Garson!

[Beatrice] That's right. Garson will come back with us.

[Ben] Us? You mean you're coming back?

Only if Garson comes with us.

It's a package deal.

For a baptist, you have the craziest ideas.

Tucson? What would I do in Tucson?

You'll work in the store.

Oh, no. I don't--

yeah, why not? You'll do what Albert did,

only now I won't have to be worried about it.

Dad, do you mean that?

Course I mean it. My stomach's upset.

The man is a Saint. I'm so happy I could cry.

So could I.

I'll write every day.

I'll let you know how your parents are.

I have never been to Indian country.

I'm so excited I'm getting dizzy again.

Come on, Garson. I'll get you a cold towel.

I can't wait to tell mother.

Hurry up, because Ben is taking us all out to dinner tonight.

I'm what?

It's cheaper than paying for a wedding.

Beatrice, I don't understand you.

What are we going to do with Garson back home?

I got it all figured out.

Norman is going away to the Navy, right?

So?

And Garson will be in Tucson, right?

Uh-huh.

While Norman's away, we'll get something started

between Garson and one of the desappio twins.

Beatrice, you're brilliant!

And here's something else we should consider.

Just between me and you,

when Norman gets out of the Navy,

if he still wants to be a homosexual,

he can do better.

We'll find him a doctor or lawyer.

Oh, Ben, you are the...

Ohh!

Mom, dad, there's this great Italian restaurant

around the corner. You'll love it.

Oh, Ben, let's.

I haven't had a decent meal since I left Tucson.

It's a special occasion. To hell with the diet.

[Beatrice] Oh, Garson.

I ought to get my hat.

One out of six.

One out of six.

That means when the rams play Sunday--

22 men on the field.

6 goes into 22...

3...

Carry...3.7 of them on the field at all times.

I got to watch that game a little closer Sunday.

One out of six.

One out of every six.

1, 2, 3, 4, 5...

6.

1, 2, 3, 4, 5...

6.

There's two sixes together.

One out of six.

Well...

♪ One out of every six is just like Norman ♪

♪ the other five get off their cookies ♪

♪ by conforming ♪

♪ who's to tell whom ♪

♪ what is the way? ♪

♪ Who's to assume ♪

♪ you can't be happy and gay? ♪

♪ Before we judge the one who rebels ♪

♪ let's take a good look at ourselves ♪

♪ we tried computer dating ♪

♪ it failed, of course ♪

♪ most of our legal mating ♪

♪ ends in divorce ♪

♪ inside suburban houses ♪

♪ neighbors are swapping spouses ♪

♪ some guys who find that middle class ♪

♪ pass ♪

♪ one out of every six is just like Garson ♪

♪ the rest of us make love while watching Johnny Carson ♪

♪ what can you lose? ♪

♪ Confess all your sins ♪

♪ march from your pews ♪

♪ right to the holiday inn ♪

♪ and then get down on your knees ♪

♪ and repent ♪

♪ hey, you're only 83 percent ♪

♪ sex has stole the show ♪

♪ it's everything that you asked ♪

♪ and were afraid to know ♪

♪ I'll tell you--sex ♪

♪ will never die ♪

♪ and the kinkiest guy ♪

♪ could be your grocer or someone closer ♪

♪ and while the intellectuals analyze our plight ♪

♪ perverted heterosexuals boogie down all night ♪

♪ even our politicians ♪

♪ are taking prone positions... ♪

♪ The rest of us are oversexed ♪

♪ and still frustrated ♪

♪ what lies ahead? ♪

♪ Where will it end? ♪

♪ Turn down your bed ♪

♪ and, baby, jump on a friend ♪

♪ and when true brotherly love has begun ♪

♪ yeah, we'll all be number one ♪