All language subtitles for noooooo

♪ Lost on the road of life ♪

♪ one little funny man ♪

♪ we forgot about ♪

♪ wearing the load of life ♪

♪ trying to understand ♪

♪ things he's not about ♪

♪ how can
he believe today? ♪

♪ He was never shown the way ♪

♪ he's just
an old fashioned man ♪

♪ living in a brand-new world ♪

♪ it's a brand-new world ♪

♪ was anything ever real? ♪

♪ Things he believed so much
just don't seem to be ♪

♪ he isn't out of feel ♪

♪ he's only out of touch
with reality ♪

♪ and lost in time ♪

♪ in a place we left behind ♪

♪ he'll never grow again ♪

♪ he just wants to know ♪

♪ if anybody really needs
an old fashioned man ♪

♪ living
in a brand-new world... ♪

Do you know
where havenhurst is?

You got it, pal.

This is number 265
leaving bus terminal.

Destination--
Hollywood.

How much do I owe you?

$14.40.

I'll give you 12.

14.40.

5, 10...

$15.

Keep the change.

♪ How can he believe today? ♪

♪ He was never shown the way ♪

♪ he's just
an old fashioned man ♪

♪ living in a brand-new world ♪

[Beep]

[Beep]

It's 7:30 in the morning.

[Beep]

[Beep]

Yes? Who is it?

Norman, is that you?

Yes. Who is it?

It's me, your dad.

Dad? What are you
doing in town?

I'll tell you
upstairs.

It's such a surprise.
Why didn't you call?

Wake up!

Is this
Norman chambers,

formerly of Tucson,
Arizona,

who went
to Los Angeles
to find himself?

Of course it's me.

I just spent 11 hours
on the bus--

you rode all the way
from Tucson on a bus?

Would I lie about
a thing like that?

All right, dad.

I'm on the third floor,
apartment 3b.

Dad, don't take
the elevator.

Why not?

There have been
a lot of robberies.

Don't worry. I got
traveler's checks.

It keeps breaking down.

You're better off
with the stairs.

O.k. I'll try
the stairs.

See you in a minute.

Oh, please!
Please get up!

[Intercom beeps]

Come on!

What is he coming
here now for?

[Beep]

Yes?

Will you press
the goddamn buzzer?

Oh, I'm sorry, dad.

[Buzz]

We finally got caught.

Come on! Get up! Please!
My dad is downstairs!

Dad will never understand.

Believe me, you don't know
people like my parents.

They got set ideas
about these things.

As far as
they're concerned,

you can't live with someone
unless you're married.

Come on!
Will you get up!

He'll be here
any minute!

Oh, darn!

I was having
the wildest dream.

Will you please hurry?

I was having lunch
with Robert redford

at the brown derby.

He had the carrot salad,

and I had on this big
pink bunny suit.

My dad's downstairs.

You got to get dressed
and get out of here.

He doesn't know about us.

He doesn't know?

No. I didn't tell
my folks yet.

But they sent me
a Christmas card.

No, they didn't.

I did.

I signed
their names to it.

Oh, wow!
Am I crushed!

Norman, we've been
living together

almost a year now.

Why didn't you
tell him?

Garson,
you got to leave.

Leave?

Just for a while.

But it's 7:30
in the morning.

Will you hurry up?

[Intercom beeps]

Oh, what now?
Will you get dressed?

[Beep]

Yes?

Where the hell
are those stairs?

The first door
past the elevator.

I wound up
on the street again.

You went
in the wrong door.

I know that, or else
I'd be upstairs
with you.

I'll take my chances
with the elevator.

O.k., dad.

Norman,
one more thing.

What?

Press the buzzer.

[Buzz]

Hurry! He's taking
the elevator!

I don't know why
I can't meet him.

I make a darned good
first impression.

The a&P manager
said I had charisma.

I just don't want
my father to see it
right now.

I know I'm having
a nightmare.

Any minute now,
I'm going to wake up

and be
sound asleep again.

Please, god, let this
be a nightmare.

Get out of here!

She's not listening.

[Doorbell rings]

Stand here
and be quiet.

You're really not
going to introduce me?

No.

A traumatic incident
of this magnitude

could conceivably bring
my repressed hostilities
to the fore.

[Ding-dong]

Hey, dad!
Come on in!

All right, son.
How you feel?

All right.

Looking good.

Say, what kind
of building is this
you're living in?

Somebody painted
all over the elevator

"larry Davenport
is a bitch."

yeah, he is.

You're looking good,
dad.

What brings you
to Los Angeles?

It's a nice place
you got here.

You're like me.

You got
exquisite taste.

A little heavy
on the purple,

but to each his own.

So, now, tell me...

What are you
doing here?

Sit down, Norman.

Have you heard
from your mother?

No. Why should I
hear from mother?

You remember
uncle Albert?

Yeah, I remember
uncle Albert.

What happened to him?

The same thing happened
to your mother.

Dad, what are you
talking about?

They ran off together.

What?

That's right.
They ran off together.

Dad, you got
to be kidding.

It's no
laughing matter.

Your mother
and my brother

are cohabitating
in a motel in Mexico...

And I hope they're
drinking the water.

I can't believe it.
Uncle Albert?

Uncle Albert to you,

brother Albert to me,

and Sidney poitier
to your mother.

That's ridiculous.

Ridiculous, huh?

Norman, it's true,

and after 26 years
of marriage.

Mother and uncle Albert
together?

What a strange
combination.

I know. I've seen
them both naked.

On separate occasions,
of course.

How did it happen?

Who knows?

The thoughts been going
through my mind.

Not only is uncle Albert
my brother,

he's also my partner,

which means he's probably
screwing me there, too.

Dad, relax.
How about a glass
of juice?

You got
orange juice?

Yeah.

You got vodka?

Vodka?

Vodka.

Yeah.

Forget the orange juice
and give me the vodka.

All night long
on the bus,

I kept saying,
"Should I tell Norman

or shouldn't
I tell Norman?"

when something
like this happens,

how long can a man
keep it inside?

When did you find out?

Last night during
all in the family.

Your mother called me
from the Buenas noches motel
in Ensenada.

Why would mother
tell you where
they're staying?

You know your mother.

She doesn't want me
to worry.

Get this--
they registered as
Mr. and Mrs. Smith.

Your uncle Albert
is really clever.

Here.

Serve them right if I
became an alcoholic.

[Ben]
What am I going to do
without this woman?

How we struggled.

From nothing
we built ourselves

a nice, respectable
dry cleaning business.

Last year alone
Albert and I netted
$15,000 apiece.

Now she's gone.

What am I going to do?

Who will replace her
in front of the store?

That very attitude
is probably why
all this happened.

What?

Mom runs off, and
you're worried about

who's going to
replace her in front
of the store.

You think that's
not important?

I'll tell you something
about your mother.

She was good in front
of that store.

People liked her.

She had a way.
Always a smile.

"good morning.
How are you?
How's the baby?"

boy, was she a phony,

but that's why she was
good for business.

But, dad,
did you love her?

Did I love her?

Of course I loved her.

If I didn't love her,

would I let her
touch my cash register?

I'm not a bit surprised

mom decided
to have herself a fling.

A fling?

This is no fling.
It's the real McCoy.

How do you know?

When she left,
she took the family album.

So?

No woman takes a bunch
of old snapshots
on a fling.

Any fool knows that.

[Norman]
Apparently something
was missing in her life.

[Ben]
Let me tell you
something about women.

They're selfish,
they're conniving,

and if you don't care
too much for dancing,

you don't need them
at all.

Let me give you
some advice.

If you can work it out,
stay away from them.

Yeah, uh...

Let's talk about it
when I come home
from work.

I got to dress
two windows...

In Beverly Hills.

You still doing that
window trimming stuff,
huh?

I have nothing against
your profession,

but I don't need it.

At the store,
I have one sign--

"moth proofing
a specialty."

I'll tell you what's
important in business.

Personal contact.

That's why your mother
was so valuable
at the store.

Yeah, dad, o.K.

Let's see about getting you
a hotel room.

I don't need
a hotel room.

I'll stay right here
with you.

You mean here?

I'll sleep
on the sofa.

I just don't want
to be left alone.

You understand,
don't you, Norman?

Yeah,
it's just that--

[crash]

What's that?

Oh!

Um...uh...

Who's in there?

Someone in there?

Well, uh...

As a matter of fact,
dad...

Mm-hmm.

Norman has hisself
a little friend, huh?

There's nothing wrong
with that.

I was quite
a gay blade myself
when I was your age.

Before your mother,
of course.

I didn't have my own
fancy apartment.

We used to meet
twice a week

in my father's garage

in the back
of his packard.

Um, it's not a girl,
dad.

It's a fellow.

I mean,
from next door.

He's using my bathroom
because his toilet
overflowed.

Oh, look.
I accidentally dropped

this picture of normie.

Isn't it awful?
I could just die.

I could just
roll up and die.

Dad, this is
Garson Hobart.

Garson, this is
my father.

How do you do?

Mr. Chambers,
welcome to the city
of the angels.

My god,
it's uncanny.

The same
bone structure,

the same
flashing eyes,

the same cute
little pixie smile.

Oh, you're going
to be my new
best friend.

I hear you're
having trouble
with your toilet.

I was just telling dad

you were having trouble
with your bathroom.

It's hard
to get a crease
in velvet pants.

I won't touch them
in my place.

Dad's going to be
staying here.

Fabulous!

Let me plan
your itinerary.

There's so much
to see.

There's Disneyland

and grauman's
Chinese theater,

the Hollywood
wax museum,

the queen Mary.

You are going
to love L.A.

It's just full
of surprises.

Just look
in any closet.

Why don't you
take your suitcase

into the bedroom,

and I'll be right on in?

Nice meeting you,
Garson.

Any friend of Norman's
is a friend of mine.

He's just using
my bathroom.

There. See?
He likes me.

I say we go
in there right now
and tell him.

No, Garson. It's not
the right time.

Let me be
brutally frank.

I don't appreciate
living a lie like this.

Garson...

Tonight I'll make
a special dinner.

We'll eat out here
on the patio.

We'll use
the gold tablecloths
and the candles.

I'll make the duck
with the cherry sauce,

we'll put on some
Diana Ross records,

and at dessert
we'll tell him.

Garson,
don't get angry,

but I don't think
I'll be able

to tell him tonight,
either.

When he sees me
washing and cooking
and cleaning,

he's going to know
I do a little more
around here

than just
use the toilet.

You're just going
to have to move out.

Move out?

Until I'm able
to talk to him
about us.

Where will I go?

Couldn't you go
to Jerry and Phil's?

I can't stand them--

Jerry with his
orange hair

and Phil
with his new nose.

They make me nervous.

What about
George and Jose?

I'm telling you,
normie,

I am not leaving
this apartment.

You're going,
and that's final.

Tell me the truth,
normie...

Are you ashamed of me
because of my height?

Of course not,
Garson,

but you
got to leave.

All right, don't say
another word.

If you need me,
I'll be upstairs...

At Larry Davenport's.

What do you want
to go up there for?

What do you care?

You want
to throw me out,

you throw me out.

But why go
to Larry Davenport's?

Because Larry Davenport
respects me.

Oh, yeah?

Larry Davenport
is crazy...

And I wish you would
stay away from him.

You just don't like
show people.

You know
what really hurts

about your mother
and uncle Albert?

They ran away in my car.

Garson, please...

All right, all right,
I'm going.

I won't make a scene.

I'll be back to pick up
my things later.

Have a super time
in sunny California,
Mr. Chambers.

Ciao! Bye-bye,
normie.

Don't be surprised
if one day you find
your name

painted on
the elevator wall.

I'll show you where you
can put your things.

Velvet pants--

I won't touch them
in my place.

Will one drawer
be enough?

Plenty.

You take the left side,
I'll take the right.

O.k.

Hang your suits up
here in the closet.

Uh-huh.

I better
get washed up.

I got to go to work.

For a fellow, you keep
a nice, neat house.

That's your mother
in you.

That's another thing
I'll miss about her.

Even if she was
sick in bed,

the house was spotless,

and I always had
clean underwear.

Maybe it don't seem
like much to you now,

but when you hit 50,

clean underwear,
color television,

and stewed prunes
are right there
in the top 10.

His mother said he was shy.

[Chuckle]

Saks fifth Avenue.

Size 14.

Well, she's big,

but at least she comes
from a nice family.

What did you say?

Nothing. I was just
admiring your closet.

Beatrice was a size 7
when I started courting her.

26 years you live
with a woman.

All of a sudden,

you find out
she got hot pants.

Maybe it wasn't
all her fault.

Uncle Albert
is a bachelor,

and he's three years
younger than I am.

Dresses all flashy.

Mr. Cool.
Wore them shades.

More rings and bracelets
than Sammy Davis Jr.

Always had
a jive attitude.

"my man! Give me
some skin! Right on!"

all that stuff.

All that old bull.

Maybe some women might have
considered him sexy.

Maybe mom
actually loves him.

No. It's deeper
than that.

How could
a woman walk away

from the kind of life
I gave her for love?

Albert must have
promised her the moon.

Maybe he paid
attention to her.

Maybe he listened
to her

and spent some time
with her.

Go on.

Maybe that was enough.

Why don't you
go to work?

All right, dad.

Here's the keys
in case you want
to go out.

I'll get home
early as I can.

Don't worry about me.

It's over,
forgotten, done...

And that's that.

They deserve each other.

That son of a bitch
gives her a disease,

I'll kill him.

[Ring]

Hello.
Lawrence Davenport's
apartment.

Hello, Larry.

Whom shall I say
is calling?

Come on, Larry,
this is Norman.

Is Garson upstairs?

Let me check.

Is there a Garson
in the house?

I don't want
to talk to him.

I don't believe
anybody by that
description

is presently
on these premises.

Larry, stop
playing games.

Let me talk to him.

Garson,
that's a wrap.

That Tucson tootsie
done found us out.

All right, speak.

I'm sorry about
pushing you out.

Why don't you check
into the Beverly
Wilshire hotel?

You evicted me.

I didn't evict you.

Oh, yes, you did.

Have you
told him yet?

It's just not
the right time now.

♪ Millie's
on the methadone ♪

♪ and Jill is on the juice ♪

♪ tillie's on the telephone ♪

♪ but I'm on the loose ♪

What the hell is that?

That's Larry.

♪ I'm free
as a flea tonight ♪

I'm not sure,
but I think it's
a fertility chant.

Garson?

♪ "t" And "T" ♪

♪ bop be bop bop bop bop ♪

♪ mmm mmm ♪

Give me five.

Ha ha ha!

Lay back!

Ow!

Dammit!

I got to do it.

[Door slams]

What's fair is fair.

That woman had no business
taking the family album.

A guy could get seasick
in here.

[Woman]
Operator.

I'd like to make
a person-to-person call

to Ensenada, Mexico.

I want to talk
to a Mrs. Smith

at the Buenas noches
motel.

I don't have the number.

I'll look that up.

What is your number,
please?

Uh, 550-7451,

and let me have
the charges.

Certainly.

♪ Alone ♪

♪ alone on a night
that was meant ♪

♪ for love ♪

I'm sorry, sir,
but the Buenas noches motel

reports seven smiths
registered there.

Seven smiths? What is it,
a convention?

Operator, connect me
with the man at the desk.

Buenas noches motel.
Buenos dias.

I'm looking for my
wife who checked in
with my brother.

Buenas noches motel.
Buenos dias.

Hable English?

Ah, ingles. Si.

How...are...you?

Listen, you foreigner,
let me talk to the manager.

I...am...fine.
Thank you.

Come on. Let me
hable to the manager.

¿Como?

Man-a-ger.
numero uno.

La boss.
La maitre d'.
Anybody.

It's murder trying
to communicate with
these bullfighters.

¿Que pasa?

Gringo loco.

[Speaking Spanish]

Buenas noches motel.
Buenos dias.

[Ben]
Look, I'm calling
from Los Angeles.

Who's this?

Manuel Ortiz Gomez
buenaventura de reyes.

Buenas noches motel
in beautiful downtown Ensenada.

Oh, no. Listen.

I'm looking for my
wife who checked in
with my brother.

Your brother?

That's right,
my brother.

They checked in as
Mr. and Mrs. Smith.

Ah, Smith.

We have seven.

Yes, I know you have
seven smiths,

but one
of them looks like

she might have
looked like
Lena horne

a loooong time ago.

¿Como?

[Garson]
Excuse me.

Oh, the bathroom?
Go ahead and use it.

¿Como?

Not you, Manuel.

The smiths I want
are driving a green
Chevy impala

with Arizona
license plates

and a bumper sticker
that says,

"have a nice day."

look, Manuel,
will this help you?

The man is
wearing shades
and a lot of jewelry

and has a gold tooth
right here.

¿Que shades?

Huh?

Shades.

Sh-shades.

Shave.

[Speaking Spanish]

[Speaking Spanish]

Ah, si, si, si.

Right.

Listen, Manuel,
this is
very important.

What are you doing?

Would you ring
her room, please?

I cannot do that.

There's a "Do not disturb"
On the line.

A what?

He just packed
a dress!

Hold on, Manuel.

Wait a minute!
Wait a minute!

You're taking Norman's
girlfriend's dress.

I...

Am she.

[Whimper]

Manuel.

¿Si?

I got bad news for you.

I think my son
is a queer.

[Speaking Spanish]

[Ben]
I'll kill him.

I'll kill him.

Your dad doesn't answer?

No. I hope
nothing's wrong.

I'm really worried.

He was so depressed
when I left.

It isn't every day
a man's wife

runs off with his brother.

He came to me
for sympathy
and ran into Garson.

Oh, dear. I guess he doesn't
know about you and Garson.

Oh, no.

I'm afraid
that would really
put him away.

Well, Norman, as I see it,

you've only got
two choices--

either you tell him
or you don't tell him.

Tell dad?

Hmm-mm.

Girl, you--

there's got to
be another way.

Well...actually,

there is another way.

You're right.
I got two choices.

Maybe I should get out of town
for a few days.

That's crazy.
I am out of town.

It wasn't my fault.

I took him to ball games
and boxing matches.

When he was 4 years old,
I bought him a tool kit--

wrench, hammer, knife.

Maybe it's the name Norman.

I didn't want to
call him Norman.

Who calls his son Norman?

I wanted to give him
a man's name, like Jack.

When you call the name Jack,
a man shows up.

You don't get,

[fey voice]
"Yes, dad, I'm coming."

you get,

[deep voice]
"What is it, dad?"

what do you do,
send him to a psychiatrist?

What do they know?
They always blame the parents.

Maybe she was to blame.

I don't know.
I just don't know.

Maybe we toilet trained him
too early.

Maybe we toilet trained him
too late.

Who knows what causes
a kid to go haywire?

Yes, sir?
May I help you?

Do you have
a male salesman?

Ah, certainly, sir.

Mr. Cicari.

This gentleman would like
to have a male salesperson.

Um, would you
take over
the inventory?

Yes.

Yes, sir.
What can I do for you?

Do you have any,
uh...

It's not for me.
It's for a friend.

I'd like to know
if you have
a book on fairies.

Yes, sir.
The children's section
is right over there.

Section six.

I don't mean
the mother goose
kind of fairy.

You know
what I mean.

It's, ah,
the sissy fairies.

Our homosexual section
is right back in the--

shh!

You got
a whole section
on homosexuals?

Certainly, sir.

Exactly what aspect
of homosexuality
are you interested in?

I told you,
it's not for me.

It's for
a friend of mine.

Not a close friend.

I mean,
I just met him.

I understand.

No, you don't
understand.

Never mind. I'll
just browse around.

Closet queens
are the worst.

Wow. Will you look at that?

American history--
one shelf.

Homosexuality--
a whole section.

And look at the titles--

homosexuality in america.

Homosexuality--
for and against.

The gay way.

All the president's men?
I should have known.

Will that be charge,

or would you rather put this
on your diner's card?

No. I'll pay cash.

I understand.

That'll be $49.68.

Damn, these books
are expensive.

All hobbies are.

[Ben]
Wow. I'm more confused
than ever now.

Let's see. Here's a beauty.

Happily married man, two kids,
one on the way,

a home in the suburbs,

bumped into
the mailman one morning.

Their eyes met.
Good-bye, marriage.

They are now living
in San Francisco

and running a very
successful boutique.

"we all have
homosexual tendencies."

did I ever feel
anything like that?

I remember
when I used to
go to the movies,

I liked
Cesar romero a lot,

but once I got home,
end of romance.

There's only one thing
left for me to do.

I got to persuade him.

I'll beat the crap
out of him

and drag his ass
back to Tucson

where he'll meet
another nice guy

and the whole thing
will start over again.

One out of six.
It says right here,

"one out of every
six males in this country

has had a homosexual
relationship of some sort."

one out of six.

Imagine that.

Why, in that game alone,

there's probably
two or three of them.

Maybe I'm wrong.

Maybe it's not
what I think it is.

A normal, healthy kid can have
a cute apartment like this,

purple drapes,
and a friend like Garson.

No, he can't.

I'm afraid my son
has become a tinkerbell.

Well, here goes.

Hey, dad.

I tried to call you,
but you were out.

Aha!

Homosexuality in
the French revolution?

Are you denying it?

Is this what
you are?

Calm down.
Let me explain.

I don't believe it,
I don't want
to hear it,

and it's not true.

It is true.

It is not.

I'll show you.
Walk across
the room.

Walk across
the room!

Look, if you--

you don't walk
like one.
Say Mississippi.

Dad, please.

Say Mississippi.

Mississippi.

Say it again.

Mississippi.

Perfect.
See, you don't
walk like one.

You don't
talk like one.
You're not one.

Don't get excited.

Tell me
it isn't true.

Tell me
you're on drugs.

That's it.
You're on drugs.

Thank god.
My son is on drugs.

You're a dope fiend,
that's all.

Now I can sleep
at night.

I'm not on drugs.

I'm not on anything.

Can't we try and be
reasonable about this?

Reasonable?
I'll tell you
what reasonable is.

Reasonable is
when a son
leaves Tucson

and comes to Los Angeles

and his father
drops in and finds him
in bed with a woman.

A woman, you hear?

Fat, skinny, young,
old, black, white, purple.

Anything--but a woman.

That's being reasonable.

Look, I am what I am,
and that's that.

And I say you're not
what you are,

and that's that.

Norman, have you tried
seeing a physician?

Why should I?
I'm perfectly happy.

How can you be happy
without a woman?

A lot of people are.

Your uncle Albert wasn't.

We've got to stop this thing
before it gets out of hand.

Try to be
understanding.

Aha, so that's it.
I'm not understanding.

I knew it.
It's my fault.

I worked day and night
to support you,
your mother,

and that son of a bitch
uncle of yours.

Who in the hell has time
to be understanding?

Some people are different.

If you were a cpa
instead of
a window trimmer,

this wouldn't
have happened.

It would have happened
no matter what.

How many lumberjacks
have purple drapes?

They came
with the apartment.

We have to solve
this problem together.

That's what fathers
are for.

Why can't you
accept me as I am?

Wait until you have
a son who's
a homosexual.

[Telephone rings]

I'm warning you,
Norman.

You can push
an ex-marine
only so far.

Hello.

It's me.
Did you tell him?

I don't have to.
He already knows.

Give me that phone.
Hello, velvet pants.

Find another fella.
The engagement's
over.

You didn't have to do that.

Well, I've been
patient long enough.

Would you
please listen?

I'm tired of listening.
It's time for action.

Listen, if I had done
what you're doing,

you wouldn't be here
doing what you're doing.

Where are you going?

Never mind where I'm going.
Stay here till I get back.

And don't you dare
read any of them books.

[Garson]
Larry Davenport's
residence.

Show business capital
of sunny California.

Garson,
stop fooling around.

I'm in big trouble.

Hello.

Hello.

New in town?

I just got in
this morning.

Poor man.
You look very troubled.

I'm not the least
bit surprised.

I got a couple
of big problems.

Well, you know
what they say,

"life is like a Martini
made with cheap gin--

"you might as well enjoy it.

You'll wind up
on your ass anyway."

ciao.

Mwah!

Let's get out.

[Madam laughs]

First thing I got to do is get
Norman out of this building.

Well, one thing's for sure,
it wasn't none of my fault.

[Recording of Judy Garland]
♪ how can I ignore ♪

♪ the boy next door ♪

♪ I love him more ♪

♪ than I can say ♪

♪ doesn't try to please me ♪

♪ doesn't even tease me ♪

♪ and he never sees me ♪

♪ glance his way ♪

[Door opening]

Norman.

Oh, hi, dad.

Are you alone?

Yeah, I'm alone.

Oh...

Say, is that Judy garland?

Yeah.

Yeah, I used to like her.
Nice singer.

I liked her in those movies
with that short fellow.

What's his name?

Mickey Rooney.

Him and Cesar romero
were my favorite actors.

It's funny, they never
did a movie together.

They would have been good
in a submarine movie.

They don't
make them anymore.

Dad...

I know how
you must feel.

Believe me,
I'm sorry
you're upset, but--

you're damn right
I'm upset.

What you're doing
is not natural.

Did you read any of
those books you bought?

You must have gotten
some insight into
what a homosexual is.

I don't want
to hear that word
from your mouth.

You're as much man
as I am.

I used to take you
to the park
and play catch.

We used an official
national league
baseball.

I'd throw the ball
at you hard, and you
always caught it.

Maybe if you'd
dropped it,

I'd have been prepared
for this new life,

but you always
caught the ball.

You never
dropped the ball.

You never dropped
the goddamned ball.

Dad, unless you
want to discuss
this intelligently,

then there's no point
in discussing it at all.

Good.
The discussion
is over.

Stay here.
I have a surprise for you.

Dad--

just close your eyes
and stay right here.

Don't move.

Stay right there, now.
Don't open your eyes.

Right there.

All right.

Turn around
and open your eyes.

Norman, this is Audrey.

Audrey, this is
my son Norman.

Why, hello.
He's cute.

What the hell are
you trying to do?

I thought it would
be nice to know her.

She's from Cleveland,
and we got cousins there.

You can stick Cleveland.

I boiled my buns
there for a year,
couldn't clear 5,000.

Get out of here,
dad.

Audrey
will be nice to you.

Your dad said
it's your birthday.

You got yourself
an all-right old man.

Get out of here.

I'm doing this for you.
Spend a little time with her.

All right, then
I'm getting out.

Norman, please.
One night. Try it.

What can you lose?

Excuse me, honey.
Is he a virgin?

How can you be
such a dumb bastard?

What's wrong
with you two?

Watch your mouth.
I'm your father.

Get out of
my way, dad.

Wait, son.
I didn't mean that.

Norman, please, son.
I did this for you.

You think it was
easy finding her?

I had to ask a cop.

Well, I'll be damned.

Is he coming back?

I can't believe it.

My son--a homosexual,
my wife--an adulteress,

and me--I'm in
the hooker business.

I've never been so
depressed in my life.

I don't know
what to do anymore.

His mother
should be here.

She's shacked up
in some Mexican motel
with my brother.

I'll be happy when
the shriners come back to town.

What am I going to do,
Audrey?

What am I going to do?

Listen, I'd rather
not get involved

with my clients personally.

All I know is I
get paid whether
something happens or not.

So, what's happening?

Hmm?

What's happening?

When a family
from Tucson
goes to hell...

Look out, america.

♪ Do you know
where you're going to ♪

♪ do you like the things
that life is showing you ♪

♪ where are you going to ♪

♪ do you know? ♪

♪ Do you get
what you're hoping for ♪

♪ when you look behind you ♪

♪ there's no open door ♪

♪ what are you hoping for ♪

♪ do you know? ♪

[Melody]
Hey, Norman.

Hi, melody.
Can I come in?

Come on.

What's wrong?

You wouldn't believe
what happened tonight.

Try me, honey.
I don't shock easily.

Yeah, well, wait till
you hear this.

My dad found out
about Garson and me.

Oh, no.
What happened?

The man went crazy.

I mean, he went
absolutely crazy.

That man doesn't
understand anything.

Norman, parents are
notorious

for not
understanding
anything.

That's why...

It's a good idea
to have someone
that you could

sit down and talk
things over with.

Have you
had your dinner?

No. I'm too upset
to eat.

Oh.

Well, good.

Then let's drink it.

Listen Manuel,

are you sure they're
not in their room?

Senor, would I lie
to an American?

Can you check again?
Maybe they're in the shower.

There's a thought for the day.

Will you take a message?

¿Como?

Message.
El messag-o.

Take a piece of paper
and your plume.

Write this down and give it
to senora Smith.

O.k. Shoot.

Dear Beatrice,
sorry to interrupt
your Mexican hat trick,

however, something very
important has come up.

Anybody home?

Norman.

Manuel, I'll have to
call you back later.

Buenas, ah,
something.

Buenas noches.

Look at this.
They even got
a Princess phone.

Norman,
I'm sorry about--

you.

Mr. Chambers,
it's time we laid
our cards on the table.

You're thinking,
"What do I know about him?

What kind of education
does he have?"

hold it.

I'm not thinking
about the boy
or his education.

The only thing on
my mind is murder.

You just met me this morning.
I'll grow on you.

You'll learn to love me.

I got nothing
against you personally,

if I met you at
a party, I wouldn't
mind you at all.

I'm great
at parties.

Ask normie.

Stop calling him normie.
It's normal--Norman.

M-a-n, as in man.

Do you realize
what you're
doing to me?

It's what
they did to
Romeo and Juliet.

You mean Romeo and Romeo,
you cream puff.

What are you doing?

I'll strangle
you.

That's very immature.

It works.

Look, Juliet,
when Norman left Arizona,

he was an all-American boy.

He wore sweatshirts,
read popular mechanics.

In high-school band
he played the tuba.

Not the flute. The tuba.

Don't go bananas.

That's right.

Dry cleaner goes
berserk in tinseltown.

Keep away from me.

No court will
convict me.

[Shrieking]
Help! Help! Help! Help!

Ow. Aggh....

My back.

Is something the matter?

I'm out of shape.
I've got to join the "Y."

is something wrong,
Mr. Chambers?

Is something wrong?
My whole life
is falling apart.

All I had left was Norman,
and who knows where he is now?

What are you
talking about?

He got mad at me
and walked out.

What did you
do to him?

What any father would do
in this situation.

I got him a girl.

A what?

A woman. You know,
they have high voices,

and they're lumpier
than we are.

Poor normie.

He got mad at me.
For nothing.

I never saw him so upset.

It's the first
big fight we've had

since he took
his mother to the prom.

He took his mother
to the prom?

Why didn't
I think of that?

I stayed home
and cried.

Garson, I need your help.

For what?

You got to help me
get rid of you.

Mr. Chambers,
you are some character.

Where do you
think he could be?

I'm worried
half to death.

He's only been gone
a few hours.

Don't you worry.
He'll be back.

You know, I just
had a thought.

What are you doing
Friday night?

You know, I have
two tickets to
the ball game.

I love sports.
Don't you?

I used to play baseball
with Norman.

I adore baseball.
Two of the Dodgers
are my best friends.

Which two?

I won't name names.

I won't even
mention numbers,
you devil.

I can't believe it.
The great American pastime.

Thank goodness babe Ruth
didn't have to see this.

Would you like
a piece of apple?
I'm famished.

No, thanks.
I'm trying to
cut down on fruit.

Between Beatrice, Norman,
and now the Dodgers,

this has been
one hell of a day.

Take it from me,
Mr. Chambers,

every family
has its problems.

I have a brother who
married a Filipino.

Boy or a girl?

That's very funny.

It almost killed
my mother.

Why should she be
upset about that?

It's her one
hang-up.

She was
molested at a luau.

Melody,
he hasn't changed.

I mean, he won't
listen to anything

anybody says about anything.

I don't know why he
won't listen to you.

I think you're
very interesting.

Do you really?

Hmm-mmm.

And I also think that you're
very intelligent,

terribly talented,
and extremely
attractive.

Yeah, but I
have a problem.

And I got
a solution.

Aah.

Excuse me. Cigar?

Oh, no thanks.

Oh, yes, please.

You know, after
a delicious meal,

nothing tops a good cigar.

Oh, excuse me.

[Cough cough]

Hmm, say, I really
got to hand it to you.

You're some fancy cook.

What do you
call this stuff?

Prune flambe
surprise.

Prune framble surprise.

Flambe.

Fam-flam-flambe.

[Belches]

Famble.

Flambe.

Prune flambe surprise.

Hmm-mm.

[Belches]

Pardon me.
I'll have to remember that.

We'll just put
these in the sink.

Tell me, Garson, does
your family know about you?

Oh, yes.

My mother's known
for a long time.

She tried sending me
to all kinds of doctors.

One day I sat down with
her over a cup of coffee

and said, "Adele,
stop the bullshit.

You're wasting
your time, and it
won't do any good."

at what age
did all this happen?

I was 15.

15?

Your mother let you
drink coffee at 15?

No wonder you
turned out funny.

What about
your father?

Oh, he died.

I'm not surprised.

Here.

Say, you know,
I just had an idea.

Maybe you should
meet Adele.

Your mother?

Oh, yes.

Wouldn't it be hilarious
if you two hit it off?

She is a real wildy.

We'd start dating,
then get married,
and you'd be my son.

No, thanks.

I'll take care of
my own affairs of the heart.

Suit yourself,
but a swinger
like Adele

won't be available
forever.

Close enough.

Garson, let me
ask you something.

What do you get out of this
relationship with my son?

I mean...

What kind of
life is it?

What kind of
security
do you have?

Security?

Is that all a relationship
means to you, security?

Everybody's got to
think about the future.

Believe me, Garson.

There's more to life
than going steady.

What happens
when you get old?

Have you got
a pension plan?

Are you
preparing yourself
for that rainy day?

There.

Nope. Dry your hands first.

What the hell
is this?

"mutual of Omaha."

if something ever
happens to normie,

I get $3,200.

There's no
doubt about it,

you're sitting on top
of the world.

Thanks for the dinner,
but it's getting late.

I've got to
get some sleep.

Late?
It's only 9:30.

This is L.A.
you can't go to bed yet.

We're going out on the town.

I've had
a rough day,
and I'm exhausted.

Oh, come on.

Let's get
this straight,

I'm not going anywhere,
and that's final.

[Applause]

[Piano plays
that's entertainment]

[Hums with music]
♪ la la la ♪

♪ la la la ♪

Get the dress.

Good evening, everybody.
My name is madam.

This is Larry Davenport.

Larry is no ventriloquist,
and I am no damn dummy.

[Crowd laughs]

[Piano plays]

♪ Out where they say
let us be gay ♪

♪ I'm going Hollywood ♪

Say, ain't that the Turkey
I saw in the elevator?

Might be. That's
Larry Davenport.

The bitch.

Hmm-mm.

The other night I was headed
for a big Hollywood party--

come as your favorite fetish.

I went as a popper.

When I walked
across the floor there,

I tripped on the pattern
in the rug.

That's how stoned I was.

Then I thought
it was time to leave.

I went outside,
hailed a cab--

[whistles]

Cab pulled over,

I said,
"Excuse me, sir.

Can you take a tray of hors
d'oeuvres and a case of scotch?"

he says, "Why, certainly."

so I threw up
in the backseat.

It was not one of your more
attractive evenings.

But I had fun today.
I went to Disneyland.

Wally made a lot of money
with that damn rat.

I am sorry to report

I didn't find one whip, chain,
or popper at fantasy land.

However, I did get a dwarf job
on the snow white ride.

I did it all.

I went up on the matterhorn

and down on the mad hatter.

Oh, the mad hatter ride
was so crowded,

I had to sit
on Pinocchio's nose.

Then he told me
the weirdest story.

I said, "Pinocchio,
you know that's not true,

but lie,
you little devil, lie."

I've got to meet my fiance.

That's French for
the guy I'm doing it with now.

He's only 17 years old.

Larry here told me
the other night,

"madam, you ought to be ashamed
of yourself, dating that kid.

You should be careful."

I said, "What the hell, Larry.
If he dies, he dies."

oh, my.

Violins, please.

[Piano plays]

I'd like to take my hair down.

I've done
everything else tonight.

Get that down.

Off with the turban.
Oh, good.

[Hums with music]

My fiance
likes my hair down.

I say, if you got it,
knot it.

[Woman in audience]
Whoo!

Ahh!

When I was a young girl,

I didn't know what I wanted
to be when I grew up.

I either wanted to be
an actress, a hooker,

or an interior decorator.

I decided to be
an interior decorator.

That way I could be all three.

♪ My heart should be
well-schooled ♪

♪ cuz I've been fooled ♪

♪ in the past ♪

♪ and still I fall in love ♪

♪ too easily ♪

♪ I fall in love too fast ♪

Come on.
Finish your drink.

I can't tell you when
I had so much fun.

That Larry Davenport
was funny.

Too bad ed Sullivan
wasn't around,

because he would
have liked him.

That other place
you took me to

where the guy
imitated
dinah shore--

he was terrific.

Well, thanks a lot,
Garson.

You know,
it's almost 2:00.

I better get me
some sleep.

You're right.
You look bushed.
We better turn in.

We?

Now, I don't want
to hear another
word about it.

I am staying
here with you.

You are in no condition
to sleep alone.

Oh, no, you don't.

Oh, it's no trouble.

I hope you don't
mind sleeping
on the sofa.

Sofa? That was
a close one.

What do you like?
Stripes or flowers?

Huh?

The sheets.

If you sleep pretty,
you wake up pretty.

What have you got
in puce?

I'll give you
the stripes.

It will make
you look thinner.

All right,
give me the stripe.

You know something,
Mr. Chambers?

I knew that
we would hit it off

once you
got to know me.

Garson, we're not
hitting it off,

even though you did
show me a good time.

My life would be
less complicated

if you didn't exist.

Living with you
is not going
to be easy.

You're right.
Why don't you go
stay with your mother?

And what would
that solve?

Maybe you'll
get hit by a truck.

Mr. Chambers,
there's a lot of
Mussolini in you.

What's wrong
with that?

I didn't approve
of his politics,

but at least
he dated women.

Boy, I cannot
believe it.

What are you people
afraid of?

Homosexuality
is not going to
stop the world.

It never has.

Are you any
worse off because
socrates was one?

And what about
Nero and Napoleon

and Julius Caesar?

Where in the hell
do you come off

talking about
decent people like that?

You don't believe me?
Here, read this--

famous homosexual
geniuses.

See for yourself.

Oh, my god.
Spiro agnew!

That's the author.

Oh, phew,
what a relief.

Boy, it does
look like agnew,
doesn't it?

Anyway, read this.

All these names
here--

chopin...

Michelangelo...

Tchaikovsky.

Lies! Lies!
You're just saying
that to upset me.

Boy, even
Stephen foster.

That does it.

Go to your room.

Ooh!

For heaven's sakes!

I'm never going
to discuss sex
with you again.

Not Stephen foster.

♪ Beautiful dreamer ♪

Wait till
I tell you about
the Hollywood stars.

Go to your room
and stay.

You missed.

You...

I don't believe it.

I don't believe it.

Not Stephen foster.

[Both giggling]

Shh-shh...

I can be had.

[Giggling]

Now, listen.

One of the reasons
that I got you smashed

is to prove to you

that a man...

And a woman...

Can have a lot
of fun together.

Now, you come on...

I'm going to show you
just what I mean.

Come on...

Come on, darling.

♪ I dream of Jeanie ♪

♪ with the light brown hair ♪

Movie stars maybe,

but not Stephen foster.

Julius Caesar...Chopin...

Tchaikovsky...

Movie stars...

Everybody!

Everybody!

[Woman]
And now the Nellie award

for the homosexual
dry cleaner of the year.

The winner is...
Mr. Ben chambers.

[Audience applauds]

It's just divine being here.

I'm sure we're all aware

that no one person can win
an award like this by himself.

It takes at least two of us.

Oh, golly gee!
There's just so many people

that made me
what I am today--

Tchaikovsky, chopin,
Julius Caesar,

and of course,
Alexander the greatest.

[Audience laughs]

And of course, my dear,
dear friend Stephen
foster,

and I especially
want to thank

a young man who probably had
more to do with my being here

than anyone I know--

Garson Hobart,
my son's fiance...

My son's fiance...

My son's fiance!

No! It can't be!

It can't be!

No! No!

No! Oh, no!

My son's fiance!

No!

Mr. Chambers,
wake up!
Wake up!

You're dreaming!

Ahh! Rape!

Rape!

Ohh....

[Sighs]

Good morning.

Oh, melody.

Breakfast will be
ready in a minute.

Oh, boy.

Norman, I want
to ask you something,

and I really want
the truth.

Last night...

When you got me drunk...

And rendered me helpless...

Did you in any way...

Ravage me?

No, of course not.

[Clatter]

Melody.

Get your own
damn breakfast.

I tell you, Adele,

you are absolutely
going to adore
normie's father.

He's fabulous!

He's, uh--

I don't know how
to describe him.

He's sort of a cross
between Muhammad Ali
and Stan Laurel.

[Man]
I really dig
Stan Laurel.

Bruno, be quiet.

Now he's
a bit of a grouch,
but underneath,

I think he's
really beginning
to like me.

Why shouldn't he
like you?

You're very likable.

You come from
a good family,

and you're not
a rowdy.

I fixed breakfast
this morning,

and he helped me
with the dishes.

What other man
would do that?

I wouldn't.

Mr. Chambers
sounds like a very
interesting man.

How tall is he?

He's no Adonis
like Godzilla
over there,

but he--
he's kind of cute.

You ask him
over to the house
for cocktails,

and we'll have
a nice long chat.

Here's your allowance.

Just run along
and give my love to normie.

All right, love.

Good-bye, Bruno.
Keep up the good work.

Geez...

[Telephone ringing]

Grand central station,
crossroads of a million lives.

I must have
the wrong number.

No, Mr. Chambers.
It's me, Garson.

Garson, where are you?

Well, I'm here at home,
you silly guy.

Good, stay there.
I'll be right home.

He called this home.

Bruno, how could you?

A statue!

Oh, Garson!

Hi, Mr. Chambers,
I'm here in the kitchen.

Come here. I got
a surprise for you.

A surprise for me?
Oh, I adore surprises.

[Ben]
Well, close your eyes.

Are you serious?

Close your eyes.

All right,
open them.

Oh, my god,
that fur is stunning!

Who is she?

Audrey, meet Garson.
Garson, Audrey.

Hello, Garson.

[Ben]
How do you like her?

Well, she's an animal.
She's just gorgeous.

Congratulations,
Mr. Chambers.

I knew you would
find someone

to help you forget
your problems.

There goes
another 35 bucks.

Garson,
I brought her here for you.

For me!

This is not
my luckiest apartment.

Go in the bedroom
and get ready.

I'll take care
of the customer.

I have to be at the
tonight show at 6:00.

O.k., go ahead.

Mr. Chambers,
is she the same one

you brought in here
for normie?

Garson,
she's a gorgeous girl.

Well,
she's delicious,

but I don't
understand you.

If it didn't work
with normie,

why would it work
with me?

Because I've been
watching you these
past few days, Garson,

and maybe you don't even
know it yourself,

but you have a lot of
heterosexual tendencies.

Oh, the man is
positively priceless.

Little things you do,
like the why
you shake hands--

that firm grip.

Yesterday, you almost
broke my fingers.

Remember?
You tried to push me
out the window!

Garson, at least you
defended yourself.

Behind that door
lies a new horizon,

a chance to go
from ac to DC...

To go from a $3 bill
to a 10-spot.

It's the big time!

Think of it
as opening night.

May I go lie down
for a minute?

Do me a favor!
Go lie down in there!

You are out of
your mind.

Try it.
You'll like it.

Maybe if you had
a shot of booze.

A little booze
always helped me
when Beatrice got sexy.

What can you lose?

What would I do
with a girl?

Have you ever been
on a roller coaster?

Of course.

You know that thrill
you get from that steep hill?

Mm-hmm.

It's better than that.

Please, Garson, please.

[Beep]

I'll get it.

I'll get it.

It's my apartment.

I don't want your
sissy friends here.

Fascist.

Hello?

Who's this?

It's Norman's father.

Ben, what are
you doing here?

Beatrice!

Ben, let me in.

No, I don't want
to see you anymore,
Mrs. Smith.

Is that
normie's mother?

Let me in!

I will not.

What happened to
the romance of the century?

It's all over
between me and Albert.

All over?

Ben, let me in.
I'll tell you about it upstairs.

No.

Ben...let me in.

I have to use the bathroom.

Good. Suffer.

Oh, let the woman in.

What did
you do that for?

I just
want to meet her.

If she finds out
about you and Norman,

it will kill her.

You know, things have
a funny way of working out.

I'm going to go
freshen up.

And heavy
on the lipstick.

Mr. Chambers, I just
love Arizona humor.

Now I got
to get this right.

As soon as she walks
in the door,

I'll walk up to her,
and I'll say...

Beatrice,
guess who might be able

to wear your old dresses.

No, it's too nice.

I need
something more rotten.

Let's see...

Beatrice, you look so nice
after such a long trip.

Guess whose son has a chance
to become miss america.

Nope. Need more poison.

Ah, I got it.

Beatrice, you remember
before Norman was born

you said you didn't care
if it was a boy or a girl?

That's a good one.
That's a good one.

[Ding-dong]

Ben! Ben!

Ben?

What kind of building
does our son live in?

You know what somebody
wrote in that elevator?

"garson Hobart
is a bitch!"

I wrote it.
I'm glad you're here.

I never want
to see you again.

I didn't come here
to see you.

I didn't know
you were here.

How could you?
My own brother!

I thought I was
in love with him.

I knew you'd say that.
I just knew it.

Why else would
I run away?

He promised you
something, didn't he?

What did he promise
you? The moon?

He promised me
my life would be
much more meaningful

than it was with you.

That's it?

That's what
he promised you?

Why didn't
you ask me?

I could have
promised you that.

And I guess
you told Norman.

It's not Norman
anymore.

It's normie.

What?

What color are these?

Lavender. Why?

How do you like it?

That color doesn't
look good on you.

It looks worse
on normie.

And what is that
supposed to mean?

While you were playing
hands across the border,

miss Dolores del rio,

our son was
becoming a homo.

What are you
talking about?

Your son
is a homosexual.

Ha! You're making
the whole thing up

just to hurt me!

Just to hurt me!

Beatrice,
I swear to god.

If you and Albert
haven't made plans
to have a baby,

the family name
ends right here.

Beatrice, I'm telling you
Norman has sex problems.

That runs
in the family.

What do you mean?

Someday when you
have a free month,

I'll explain it
to you.

Let me tell you
something, you--
you chippy.

Hello, hello, hello,
Mrs. Chambers.

I have heard so much
about you.

Ohh!

Those hands--
they're so full of life.

Oh, my god.

Beatrice chambers,
Garson Hobart.

Good luck
to both of you.

Oh, my god.

I love your hair.

Those pictures normie has
don't do you justice.

I can't get over how much
younger you look in person.

You robbed the cradle,
Mr. Chambers, you rascal you.

Shame on you.

You've got to tell me
about your trip to Mexico.

Oh, my god.

You look pale.
Can I get you something?

Aspirin.

One or two?

20.

What a sense of humor--
the entire family.

Emergency.

Well?

I leave town
for a few days,

and this is what
I come back to--

Norman a homosexual.

Where could
he have picked it up?

We have no bad habits
in my family.

What are you
trying to say?

He got it
from my side
of the family?

Everybody in my family
is married.

But in your family,

you have two sisters
and a brother who aren't.

Well, I can't vouch
for my sisters,

but my brother--
I know he fools around.

Beatrice,
how could you?

Ben, not
in front of him.

He knows.

There you are,
Mrs. C.

There, now.
I'm so glad you're here.

Normie will be
thrilled to see you.

Where is Norman?
I want to talk to him.

He's not here.

He ran away from home.

A child, 23, doesn't
run away from home.

[Ben]
Why not?

A woman, 49, did.

I demand to know
where my son is.

Your son had a little spat
with his father yesterday,

and we haven't
heard from him since.

What did
you do to him?

I did
a terrible thing.

I brought him
a sexy woman.

Where would you get
a sexy woman?

I'm quite attractive
to women,

and without a lot
of imitation jewelry
and a pimp suit

and a cheap toupee.

You'd look
10 years younger
if you had one.

No, no, no. Not with
that puppy face.

Longer sideburns
might do the trick.

I'm happy
with my face.

It's my life
that's screwed up.

Mrs. Chambers,
do not worry about normie.

He will be back.

Do you mind if
I call you Beatrice?

It happens to be
my favorite name.

Is it all right
if he calls me Beatrice?

No!
Get out of here.

I'd like to have
a private chat

with, uh, playmate
of the year.

I will be right
in the other room.

If you need me,
just whistle.

Out!

[Ben]
Beatrice, I demand
to know

why our son
is like he is.

[Beatrice]
I had absolutely
nothing to do with it.

I was a good mother.

I taught him
good manners.

I protected him.
I shielded him.

Why, he--
he only saw
my breasts once,

and that was
by accident.

I told you to
keep the door
to the bedroom locked.

I was in the hallway.

What were you doing
in the hallway
with your breasts?

They go with me

everywhere.

Besides, he was
only 4 years old
at the time.

Damn it!

You don't know
nothing about raising
a homosexual!

Now, look.

Look.

The woman
just got here.

She has had
a long, hard trip.

Let her use
the powder room.

We can
all talk later.

Thank you, but I used
the one at the airport.

But you told me
downstairs--

that was so
you would let me in.

Lies! Lies! The woman
is full of lies!

What about you and Albert?

I don't want
to talk about that.

Well, I do.

[Garson]
Me, too.

Out! You're not part
of the family yet.

Bully!

Bitch!

Are you ready?

Please, not now.
I have a splitting
headache.

Ohh.

All right, miss love-them-
and-leave-them,

what are you doing
in Los Angeles?

I told you it is
all over between me
and your brother.

It was a simple case
of infatuation,

adventure,
and total
disappointment.

Quit stalling.

You know in Tucson,
in the store?

Albert was
Mr. Big shot.

But on the road,

he stopped
at the crummiest
motels,

the worst
restaurants.

Listen, he bought
the cheapest gas.

He ruined my car.
Damn it, why didn't
he drive his own car?

Because I wasn't
about to drive from
Tucson to Ensenada

in a souped-up
pinto.

I told him
not to buy a sports car,

especially
with that bad back.

Oh, that's another
thing--about his back.

You know what he had
to do every morning?

He had to lay
flat on the floor

for a half-hour,
face-up.

Listen. He didn't move,
he didn't blink.

He looked like
he was dead.

You try explaining that
to room service.

Ben, here's a man
who said he would
live with me

for the rest of his life,

and, Ben...

You know what
he made me do?

I'll kill him.

I'll kill him.

It's getting good now.

Every night
before going to bed,

he would lock me
in the bathroom

while he hid his wallet.

Oh, Ben...

I tell you...

I haven't had
a decent night's sleep...

Since I left you.

Beatrice,
you're unbelievable.

You've come in here off
your Mexican hayride,

you don't even
say, "I'm sorry,"

and you expect me
to forgive and forget

and take you back
like it never happened.

I didn't say anything
about you taking me back.

As a matter of fact,
I don't intend
to come back.

What do you mean?

Where the hell
you going to go?

Nowhere, darling.

I'm staying here
with Norman for a while.

Oh, fabulous!

[Ben]
Garson, get away
from that door!

How can you
stay here, too?

I'm his mother.

I'm his father.

Well, I'm his--

shut up!

[Audrey]
Hey, not so rough!

A lot of things
we got to settle here.

There's Norman and Garson,
you and me,

Albert and me,
and you and Albert.

Oh, excuse me.

Make that
five problems.

Who's that?

Norman...is that you?

I haven't got
forever, you know.

She is the reason normie
left in the first place.

Oh, the sexy lady.

What's she
doing here now?

I brought her
here for Garson
this time.

What were you
doing with her?

Ever been
on a roller coaster?

Audrey, go put
on your clothes,

and I'll introduce you
to my wife.

Mrs. Chambers, what
are you doing in town?

I heard about your affair.
Girl, I think it's terrific.

Thank you.

How do you want
to handle it this time?

I'll just take
my account up
right now.

You got an account
with her?

Beatrice, please.

10, 20, 30...

31, 32...

You got three bucks?

I'll look in my purse.

33, 34, 35.

There. Now I've
done everything.

Thanks. I want to be
fair about this.

I'll tell you what--
I'll owe you one.

One? Shouldn't
that be two?

One for Norman?

No. We're even
on that one.

Go in the bedroom
and put your clothes on.

Garson, you go with her.

Maybe you can
learn something.

[Ben]
Beatrice, this
is all your fault.

My fault! Why
is it my fault?

Because
it's not my fault.

I was a good father
to Norman.

Don't you tell me
any different.

Oh, look, Ben,
I'm not saying it's
anybody's fault.

The only thing
we can do now

is try to be
more understanding.

If this is
what Norman wants,

who are we to interfere?

God knows
there's little enough
happiness nowadays.

What are you
talking about?

Do you know what
you're talking about?

It's not like Norman was
marrying a puerto rican.

It's more serious
than that.

Listen, we're not
the only family's
got this problem.

You remember the Gilberts
down the street?

Little Bobby Gilbert?

No. The father.

Sad, but they learned
to live with it.

And you know the desappios

on, uh, elm street?

The father?

The twins.

The twins?
Both of them?

That was
a heartbreaker.

You know, Ben, it's
a whole new world now.

It's all out in the open.

There's a sexual
revolution going on.

And all of the leaders
are in my family!

[Telephone rings]

Put that phone down, Garson!
I'll get it!

Maybe
that's Norman!

Who is it?

It's a collect call
for a Mrs. Smith.

There's no
Mrs. Smith here.

Give me that.
It's Albert.

Hello? Yes,
this is Mrs. Smith.

I'll accept the charges.

Hello, Albert?

You son of a bitch!

You no-good, lousy, greasy,
funky lowlife bastard!

What you did
was unforgivable!

Stealing my wife and my car!

You--what? O.K.

It's for you.

I don't want
to talk to him.

[Garson]
Oh, good for you.

You get that,
lover boy?

You struck out.

And from now on
at the store,

you open up.

Now let's get
to the problem
of me and you.

There's no problem.
I'm just not
coming back.

Why not?

I'm almost 50 years old.

You know the most fun
I had in our 26 years
of marriage?

You know what
your problem is?

You expect too much
out of marriage.

I didn't marry you
to entertain you.

I knew that
after the first week.

Touche.

Your ass.

Are you attacking
my manhood?

What's the difference?
It was 26 years ago.

Maybe you forgot that
for the first 10 years,

we used to have sex

on average of three
or four times a week.

You had sex.
I was making out
the grocery list.

If you didn't
like it,

why didn't you
say something?

Because in those days,
women didn't talk about it,

but they do now.

Oh, Ben. Ben.
Listen, Ben.

You know, Ben, honey,
let me tell you--

between 10 P.M. and
7 A.M. in the morning,

you were boring.

Boring!

Well,
it was your fault.

You knew good and well

once I finished reading
the sports page,

I was available.

Oh, really?

Now, this is no time
to be fighting.

Ben, I don't want
to fight with you.

I don't want
to fight with you.

Damn it, I sure hate
working rush hours.

That freeway traffic
is murder.

Ta-ta.

Ta-ta.

Ta-ta.

Ta-ta.

Mrs. Chambers,
I don't usually do this,

but I think
you ought to know.

You haven't got
such a bad old man.

You were all
he talked about.

You talked
about me, Ben?

What did you say?

Well...

You said you couldn't
live without her.

You said that, Ben?

Yes, he did.

Well, if you ever
need me, you know where--

McDonald's on sunset.

You talked about me,
didn't you, Ben?

Did you really say
you couldn't live
without me?

I may not be the best
husband in the world.

I got one or two faults,

but the truth
of the matter is...

I've loved you
all these years,

and I still love you,

and I want you back
in the front of the store.

You had to spoil it,
right?

You had to go
and spoil it!

How did I spoil it?

The front
of the store.

That's all
I mean to you.

All right, all right.

You come back with me,

and I'll hire somebody
for the front.

I just want you with me.

You want me back after
the thing with Albert?

That's not important.

What's important
is we need each other.

Oh, Ben, I...

I don't know.

Please, Beatrice.
Please come on back.

Norman!

Norman!

Mother, what are
you doing here?

[Ben]
Hello, son.

Hi, normie.

You look so tired.
Are you hungry?

Garson, fix Norman
one of those prune things.

No, thanks, Garson.
I'm not hungry.

Where's
uncle Albert?

As far as this
family's concerned,

uncle Albert took
a rocket to the moon.

Albert blew it.
Something about hiding
a wallet in the toilet.

Now, son, listen,

your father told me
all about it.

I want you to know
I don't approve,

but I'm not
a fanatic
like he is.

It's just finding out
about Norman, the Dodgers,

and Stephen foster
all in the same day

isn't the easiest thing.

Stephen foster?

He's just one of them.

Garson has a list
that will set history
back 1,000 years.

Mom, dad, can you
listen for a minute?

The last thing in the world
I wanted to do was to hurt you,

but you've lived your life
the way you've wanted to,

and now it's time for me
to live mine.

Can't you just accept that?

Oh, I am
so proud of him.

I cannot accept it.
Your mother cannot
accept it,

and I forbid you
to accept it.

That's it.

There's something you're going
to have to accept, dad.

When I woke up this morning,

I was so confused
and depressed and upset...

I went out
and joined the Navy.

[Gasping]

[Beatrice]
Oh, no!

[Garson]
Ohh!

Garson,
speak to me!

It's all right, dad.
He's always fainting.

Forget about
the Navy. You
won't have to go.

Thank god
you're a homosexual.

I can't use that
as an excuse.

Your father
will back you all the way.

I'll get certificates.
I'll get papers, x-rays.

I'll get receipts--

dad, forget it.

I've joined fair and square,
and I'll have to serve.

It may do me some good
to get away from everything.

Oh, I don't believe it.

Me a war bride?

What am I going to do?

I don't know.
We'll figure out
something.

You know, I think
I have an idea.

Garson will come back
to live with us in Tucson.

Garson!

[Beatrice]
That's right. Garson will
come back with us.

[Ben]
Us? You mean
you're coming back?

Only if Garson
comes with us.

It's a package deal.

For a baptist, you have
the craziest ideas.

Tucson? What would
I do in Tucson?

You'll work
in the store.

Oh, no. I don't--

yeah, why not?
You'll do what
Albert did,

only now I won't
have to be worried
about it.

Dad, do
you mean that?

Course I mean it.
My stomach's upset.

The man is a Saint.
I'm so happy I could cry.

So could I.

I'll write every day.

I'll let you know
how your parents are.

I have never been
to Indian country.

I'm so excited
I'm getting dizzy again.

Come on, Garson.
I'll get you
a cold towel.

I can't wait
to tell mother.

Hurry up, because Ben
is taking us all out
to dinner tonight.

I'm what?

It's cheaper than
paying for a wedding.

Beatrice, I don't
understand you.

What are we going to do
with Garson back home?

I got it
all figured out.

Norman is going away
to the Navy, right?

So?

And Garson will be
in Tucson, right?

Uh-huh.

While Norman's away,
we'll get something started

between Garson and
one of the desappio twins.

Beatrice,
you're brilliant!

And here's
something else
we should consider.

Just between
me and you,

when Norman gets
out of the Navy,

if he still wants
to be a homosexual,

he can do better.

We'll find him
a doctor or lawyer.

Oh, Ben,
you are the...

Ohh!

Mom, dad, there's
this great Italian
restaurant

around the corner.
You'll love it.

Oh, Ben, let's.

I haven't had a decent meal
since I left Tucson.

It's a special occasion.
To hell with the diet.

[Beatrice]
Oh, Garson.

I ought to get my hat.

One out of six.

One out of six.

That means when
the rams play Sunday--

22 men on the field.

6 goes into 22...

3...

Carry...3.7 of them
on the field at all times.

I got to watch that game
a little closer Sunday.

One out of six.

One out of every six.

1, 2, 3, 4, 5...

6.

1, 2, 3, 4, 5...

6.

There's two sixes together.

One out of six.

Well...

♪ One out of every six
is just like Norman ♪

♪ the other five
get off their cookies ♪

♪ by conforming ♪

♪ who's to tell whom ♪

♪ what is the way? ♪

♪ Who's to assume ♪

♪ you can't be happy and gay? ♪

♪ Before we judge
the one who rebels ♪

♪ let's take
a good look at ourselves ♪

♪ we tried computer dating ♪

♪ it failed, of course ♪

♪ most of our legal mating ♪

♪ ends in divorce ♪

♪ inside suburban houses ♪

♪ neighbors
are swapping spouses ♪

♪ some guys who find
that middle class ♪

♪ pass ♪

♪ one out of every six
is just like Garson ♪

♪ the rest of us make love
while watching Johnny Carson ♪

♪ what can you lose? ♪

♪ Confess all your sins ♪

♪ march from your pews ♪

♪ right to the holiday inn ♪

♪ and then get down
on your knees ♪

♪ and repent ♪

♪ hey, you're
only 83 percent ♪

♪ sex has stole the show ♪

♪ it's everything
that you asked ♪

♪ and were afraid to know ♪

♪ I'll tell you--sex ♪

♪ will never die ♪

♪ and the kinkiest guy ♪

♪ could be your grocer
or someone closer ♪

♪ and while the intellectuals
analyze our plight ♪

♪ perverted heterosexuals
boogie down all night ♪

♪ even our politicians ♪

♪ are taking
prone positions... ♪

♪ The rest of us
are oversexed ♪

♪ and still frustrated ♪

♪ what lies ahead? ♪

♪ Where will it end? ♪

♪ Turn down your bed ♪

♪ and, baby,
jump on a friend ♪

♪ and when true brotherly love
has begun ♪

♪ yeah, we'll all be
number one ♪