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[ BEEPING ]
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[ HIGH-PITCHED BEEP ]
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>> [ ROARS ]
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[ WHIP CRACKING ]
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>> [ SCREAMING ]
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>> [ SIGHS ]
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GOD.
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I DON'T KNOW WHO'S GETTING
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TORTURED HERE MORE -- YOU OR ME.
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>> WHAT DO YOU SAY WE TAKE A
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LITTLE BREAK?
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>> THAT'S -- NO. YOU KNOW?
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NO, BECAUSE THEY GOT TO HEAR THE
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SCREAMS.
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>> WELL, I CAN PRETEND!
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>> NO.
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>> I COULD DO THAT!
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>> THAT'S A REALLY NICE IDEA,
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THOUGH.
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>> I CAN CRACK THE WHIP.
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JUST PUT IT UP IN MY HAND,
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RIGHT HERE.
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YEAH, YEAH, YEAH, YEAH!
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PUT IT UP!
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I'M A MULTI-TASKER! PUT IT UP!
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>> OKAY.
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>> YEAH!
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>> ALL RIGHT.
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>> YEAH. YEAH, YEAH.
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LOOK. I'M CRACKING IT. SEE?
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I'M CRACKING IT!
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>> BUT YOU GOT TO SCREAM, TOO,
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WHILE YOU DO IT.
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>> OH, OKAY. AAH!
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>> THERE YOU GO. THAT'S GOOD.
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>> AAH!
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>> I LIKE THAT, BUT YOU GOT TO
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SYNC IT UP, BECAUSE IF YOU
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SCREAM BEFORE THE WHIP CRACK,
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IT'S GONNA RUIN THE EFFECT.
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>> OH, OKAY.
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>> THEY'RE GONNA KNOW WE'RE
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HOT-DOGGING THEM.
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>> [ SCREAMING ]
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>> [ CHUCKLES ]
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[ WINCES ]
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OH, I SERIOUSLY --
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[ GONG CRASHING ]
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SMOKE BREAK! YEAH!
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YOU'RE GETTING CLOSE, TOBY!
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[ LAUGHS ]
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YOU GUYS EVER THINK ABOUT
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QUITTING?!
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[ LAUGHS ]
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THOSE CRAZY GUYS.
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AH, HUNGRY!
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[ SIGHS ]
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ALL RIGHT. OOH.
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OH, IT'S GOT A WIGGLE TO IT
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TODAY!
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EXCUSE ME, SIR?
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>> YEAH?
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>> I CAN'T SEEM TO FIND MY BUNK.
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>> OH! NO, NO, NO.
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THEY GIVE YOU BED SHEETS TO GET
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YOU THINKI ABOUT SLEEP.
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BUT SLEEP -- IT, UH --
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[ Laughing ] IT NEVER COMES.
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HEY, I'M GARY!
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YOU MUST BE MY INTERN, CLAUDE,
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HUH?
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>> YEAH.
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>> GET YOUR SHIRT AND YOUR I.D.
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SO, HOW'S HELL TREATING YOU SO
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FAR, HUH?
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>> WELL, IT --
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[ BOTH GRUNT ]
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>> NOW, THIS I.D. IS GONNA GET
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YOU ACCESS TO...NOTHING.
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ABSOLUTELY NOTHING.
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IT DOESN'T WORK.
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>> THERE'S GOT TO BE A MISTAKE!
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I'M NOT SUPPOSED TO BE HERE!
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>> [ CHUCKLES ] YEAH.
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ALL THE NOOBS GET PWNED SAYING
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STUFF LIKE THAT.
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JUST LIKE THE CALENDAR SAYS.
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[ High-pitched ] "THERE'S A
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MISTAKE!
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I'M NOT SUPPOSED TO BE HERE!"
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[ LAUGHS ]
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[ Normal voice ] IT'S PRETTY
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GOOD.
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EVERY DAY? YOU CATCH THAT YET?
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>> THEY'RE ALL MONDAYS.
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>> MAN, THE GUYS WHO MADE THIS
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REALLY NAILED IT!
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[ LAUGHS ]
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>> IT'S -- IT'S CLEVER.
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IT I CLEVER.
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>> IT IS! IT'S REALLY GOOD!
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I LOVE IT!
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TALKS ABOUT LIFE, YOU KNOW --
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WHAT'S REALLY GOING ON.
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[ CHUCKLES ]
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LET ME SHOW YOU AROUND.
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[ GONG CRASHES ]
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OOH, BATHROOM BREAK.
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LET'S DO THIS!
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>> GOOD.
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I WAS GONNA ASK -- ARE THERE
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WATER FOUNTAINS?
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>> IT'S NOT A WATER FOUNTAIN.
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>> [ GAGGING ]
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THIS IS TERRIBLE.
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THIS IS HORRIBLE!
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>> JUST GOT TO CHILL OUT, BUDDY,
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ALL RIGHT?
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AT LEAST WE'RE NOT IN THE
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STALLS.
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THAT'S WHEN THINGS GET UGLY.
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[ FART ]
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BEEN THERE, DONE THAT, JASON.
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>> I CAN'T HACK IT HERE, MAN!
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>> THERE'S NOTHING YOU CAN DO
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ABOUT IT, SO JUST BE A
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PROFESSIONAL.
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>> YEAH, I'M SICK OF IT!
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>> OH, IT'S SATAN!
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>> SICK OF IT, YOU HEAR ME?
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>> UH, PLAY DEAD.
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>> CRUZ KISSES HIS FIST AND
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POINTS TO HEAVEN EVERY FREAKING
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TIME HE GETS HIT BY A PITCH!
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I MEAN, WHAT IS THAT?
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YOU KNOW, I MEAN, I'M THE ONE
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THAT GIVES HIM ALL THOSE
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SEEING-EYE SINGLES, RIGHT?
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[ CELLPHONE BEEPS ]
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[ DEEP VOICE SPEAKS
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INDISTINCTLY ]
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>> HEY, SATAN.
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>> WHY WOULD YOU SAY THAT?
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>> I'LL CATCH YOU LATER.
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[ CELLPHONE BEEPS ]
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>> [ LAUGHS ]
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BLOWING ANOTHER FIRST DAY!
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GOOD THING YOU'RE WEARING
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GLASSES, MAN.
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HERE IT COMES FOR YOU, BUDDY.
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>> GARY.
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>> NO!
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[ LIQUID SPLASHING ]
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>> YOU KNOW WHAT?
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>> OWW, IT'S HOT.
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>> DO THE GARGLE.
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DO THE GARGLE.
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>> [ GARGLING ]
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>> [ Chuckling ] THAT'S IT!
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>> WERE YOU TALKING ABOUT
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CORTEZ CRUZ, THE BASEBALL
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PLAYER?
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>> [ CONTINUES GARGLING ]
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>> WHO THE...ARE YOU?
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>> MY NAME'S CLAUDE.
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IT'S ALL FOR YOU, SATAN.
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>> THAT'S JUST MY INTERN!
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YOU CAN IGNORE HIM!
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>> I MEAN, CORTEZ CRUZ IS THE
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WORST -- ALWAYS KISSING THAT
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HUMONGOUS CROSS.
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WHAT'S THE POINT?
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HE GOT THE JESUS NECK TATTOO.
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AM I RIGHT?
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>> YEAH.
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YEAH, THAT'S A GOOD POINT.
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>> HE SHOULD BE KISSING A
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PENTAGRAM AND POINTING DOWN...
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TO YOU!
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[ SPLASHING STOPS ]
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>> YOU KNOW WHAT?
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THAT'S AN EXCELLENT IDEA.
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GARY, ARE YOU LISTENING TO THIS?
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>> UH, YOU'RE CUTTING IN AND
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OUT!
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I CAN'T -- I CAN'T HEAR YOU.
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>> UM, LISTEN.
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I GOT A JOB FOR YOU AND YOUR NEW
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INTERN, HERE, UM --
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>> CLAUDE.
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>> CLAUDE'S GONNA FILL YOU IN ON
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OUR NEW, UH, MARKETING PLAN FOR
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OUR FRIEND CORTEZ CRUZ.
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ALL RIGHT?
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>> [ GROANS, CHUCKLES ]
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>> YEP. GOOD MEETING YOU GUYS.
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>> OH, YEAH. MMM. OH, GOD.
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OH, GOD, YES. MMM.
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>> PRETTY DUMPY DIGS FOR A PRO
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BALL PLAYER.
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>> STOP TALKING SMACK ABOUT MY
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OLD APARTMENT, BRO.
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>> WHAT?
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WE'RE SUPPOSED TO BE TALKING TO
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CORTEZ CRUZ.
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>> SEE THAT GUY OVER THERE?
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THAT IS MY OLD ROOMIE, LUCAS,
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BACK FROM MY OLD EARTH DAYS.
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YOU CAN RELAX.
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WE CAN DO THIS ALL DAY LONG,
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'CAUSE HE CAN'T SEE US.
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>> I CAN SEE THE FLOATING BEER
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IN MY KITCHEN, THOUGH.
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>> OH, MAN.
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>> WELL, HE CAN'T HEAR US, SO
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BOO-YAH!
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HA! YOU DICK HEAD!
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YOU'RE A DICK HEAD!
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>> ACTUALLY, I CAN HEAR YOU,
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BECAUSE I JUST RESPONDED TO YOU,
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DICK HEAD!
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>> OH, HEY, LUCAS!
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WHAT'S UP?!
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I CAN SEE YOU MOVED MY FUTON
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INTO THE LIVING ROOM.
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>> I CONVERTED YOUR ROOM INTO A
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HUMIDOR.
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>> OH, THAT'S SO COOL!
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THAT'S SO COOL!
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I CAN'T WAIT TO SEE THAT! YEAH!
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>> SHUT THE DOOR BEHIND YOU.
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IT'S PERFECTLY HUMIDIFIED IN
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THERE!
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>> I GOT TO GO CHECK IT OUT.
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I'M GOING RIGHT NOW.
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JUST SLOWLY WORKING THROUGH YOUR
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HUMIDOR!
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BOOGETY-BOOGETY!
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[ PARTY HORN BLOWS ]
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>> [ SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY ON
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TV ]
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>> BOOGETY-BOOGETY.
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>> "I'M CLAUDE, AND I'M HERE TO
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DEVOUR YOUR SOUL."
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>> [ YELPS ]
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WHO THE HELL ARE YOU?!
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>> CLAUDE! I JUST SAID THAT.
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IT WORKS.
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>> CAN YOU SERIOUSLY NOT SEE ME,
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LUCAS, OR -- YOU'RE JERKING ME
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AROUND!
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>> IT SAYS IN THE MANUAL THAT
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YOU HAVE TO SEE IT IN YOUR
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MIND'S EYE.
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>> I'M DOING THAT, ALL RIGHT?
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I GUESS MY CLOAK MODE MUST BE
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STUCK ON.
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SOMETIMES IT GETS STUCK WHEN
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I'M DOING HIGH-PROFILE...
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>> ALL RIGHT. CHECK THIS OUT.
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[ As old woman ] LUCAS...
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CAN YOU GIVE US DIRECTIONS TO
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THE BASEBALL STADIUM?
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>> NANA?
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B-- BUT YOU'RE DEAD!
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>> [ Deep voice ] WHERE IS THE
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00:07:20,874 --> 00:07:22,244
STADIUM?!
268
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>> IT'S OFF THE INTERSTATE!
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TAKE ROUTE 17, GO DOWN ABOUT
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4 BLOCKS, AND MAKE A RIGHT!
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>> HEY, POP QUIZ.
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HOW DID YOU DO THAT THING -- YOU
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KNOW, THAT OLD-LADY THING?
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I-I MEAN, I KNOW HOW YOU DID IT,
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BUT CAN YOU EXPLAIN TO ME HOW
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00:07:36,056 --> 00:07:36,716
YOU DID IT?
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00:07:36,724 --> 00:07:37,324
>> IT'S EASY.
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YOU JUST GRAB AN ARTICLE OF
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00:07:38,726 --> 00:07:40,056
CLOTHING FROM THAT PERSON, AND
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YOU CAN APPEAR AS THEM.
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>> OH, I KNEW THAT.
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I WAS TESTING YOU, AND YOU GOT
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AN A-PLUS.
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>> WHY DON'T YOU GIVE IT A SHOT?
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00:07:45,733 --> 00:07:46,273
>> ALL RIGHT.
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YEAH, YOU WANT TO SEE WHAT THE
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00:07:47,768 --> 00:07:48,338
EXPERT DOES?
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SURE THING, BUDDY.
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I'LL GIVE YOU A THRILL.
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>> GREAT.
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>> CLAUDE! CLAUDE, WHAT AM I?
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WHO AM I?
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AM I HANDSOME?
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AM I SOMEBODY REALLY COOL?
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WHO AM --
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>> HOLD ON, HOLD ON.
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YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED BACK HERE,
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SIR.
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>> NO, NO, HANG ON, MAN.
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I'M WITH HIM!
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>> WHO?
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>> YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND!
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I -- HEY, CLAUDE! WAIT UP!
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>> WHO THE HELL YOU TALKING
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ABOUT?
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>> THAT THERE RED GUY IN THE
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GLASSES!
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I GOT TO GET IN THERE, MAN!
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WHOA!
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OH, HEY, MAN!
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NO!
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[ SCREAMING ]
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GOD! OWW!
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[ MUSIC PLAYING ]
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>> HOLA CORTEZ.
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>> [ GASPS ] iDios mío!
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[ YELPS ]
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AAH!
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[ SIGHS ]
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>> NICE INK, CORTEZ.
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DID YOU FORGET WHO PULLED YOU
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OUT OF THE SLUMS OF VENEZUELA
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00:08:44,992 --> 00:08:46,232
AND MADE THIS ALL POSSIBLE?
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>> [ SPEAKING SPANISH ]
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>> HOW ABOUT YOU STOP USING
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JESUS AS A BEARD?
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00:08:53,834 --> 00:08:55,374
HERE.
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00:08:55,368 --> 00:08:57,198
EVERY TIME YOU GET ON BASE, WE
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WANT YOU TO KISS THIS AND THANK
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THE MAN THAT MADE IT ALL
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POSSIBLE.
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00:09:01,308 --> 00:09:02,908
>> ¿UN ESTRELLA DE DAVID?
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00:09:02,910 --> 00:09:04,310
>> IT'S A PENTAGRAM, YOU
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00:09:04,311 --> 00:09:05,051
WETBACK.
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00:09:05,045 --> 00:09:06,805
>> CLAUDE, WHERE ARE YOU AT,
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00:09:06,814 --> 00:09:07,184
MAN?
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00:09:07,180 --> 00:09:09,150
HEY, NOW, WHAT'D HE SAY?
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00:09:09,149 --> 00:09:10,319
>> OKAY. OKAY, OKAY, OKAY.
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00:09:10,317 --> 00:09:12,017
ESTá BIEN.
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00:09:12,019 --> 00:09:14,149
LO HARé.
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00:09:16,890 --> 00:09:18,160
>> HOW ABOUT I JUST DISSOLVE
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00:09:18,158 --> 00:09:19,488
YOUR FACE IN ACID RIGHT NOW?!
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00:09:19,492 --> 00:09:20,762
>> WHOA, CLAUDE! WHOA.
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GOING A BIT BAD COP, HERE.
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[ CHUCKLES ]
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00:09:23,831 --> 00:09:25,101
LOOK, WE'RE AUTHORIZED TO GIVE
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HIM THOSE POWERS.
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00:09:25,999 --> 00:09:27,369
>> YOU GIVE HIM THIS, HE'LL JUST
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00:09:27,367 --> 00:09:28,067
WANT MORE.
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00:09:28,068 --> 00:09:29,438
>> YOU NEED TO BACK OFF ON THIS,
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ALL RIGHT?
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I'M THE BOSS HERE.
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00:09:31,238 --> 00:09:32,838
THANKS FOR YOUR ENERGY.
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00:09:32,840 --> 00:09:33,370
>> YEAH.
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00:09:33,373 --> 00:09:35,183
>> LOOK. ALL RIGHT?
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00:09:35,175 --> 00:09:36,335
I'M GONNA USE A SPELL.
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00:09:36,343 --> 00:09:38,013
I'M GONNA BUMP UP YOUR HAND-EYE
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COORDINATION, BUT YOU
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REMEMBER -- YOU DO THE
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EL DIABLO, POINT-O DOWN-O,
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SMOOCHY, SMOOCHY.
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>> [ SPEAKING SPANISH ]
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>> I DON'T UNDERSTAND WHAT
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YOU'RE SAYING.
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SO...OKAY.
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00:09:49,189 --> 00:09:51,019
[ CHANTING ]
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00:09:57,931 --> 00:09:59,301
NOW, CORTEZ, I THINK THAT LAST
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00:09:59,299 --> 00:10:00,869
BIT THERE WILL TINGLE LIKE --
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00:10:00,868 --> 00:10:01,428
>> [ GASPS ]
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00:10:01,434 --> 00:10:02,544
WHAT DID YOU JUST DO?!
371
00:10:02,535 --> 00:10:03,365
>> [ YELPING ]
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00:10:03,370 --> 00:10:04,770
I THINK I DID IT...WRONG.
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00:10:04,772 --> 00:10:05,372
>> WATCH OUT!
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00:10:05,372 --> 00:10:06,542
YOU'RE STEPPING ON HIM!
375
00:10:06,539 --> 00:10:07,879
GET A CUP OR SOMETHING!
376
00:10:07,875 --> 00:10:08,975
>> DUDE, IT'S A ROACH!
377
00:10:08,976 --> 00:10:10,876
>> NO, THAT'S HIM! STOP!
378
00:10:10,878 --> 00:10:14,048
WE'RE GONNA REFORM HIM, RIGHT?
379
00:10:14,047 --> 00:10:15,877
RIGHT?
380
00:10:16,216 --> 00:10:17,946
>> THE REAL MYSTERY TODAY IS
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00:10:17,951 --> 00:10:19,421
WHAT HAPPENED TO PERENNIAL
382
00:10:19,419 --> 00:10:21,919
ALL-STAR CORTEZ CRUZ.
383
00:10:21,922 --> 00:10:23,222
CORTEZ, FORGIVE ME FOR SAYING
384
00:10:23,223 --> 00:10:24,893
SO, BUT YOU LOOKED A LITTLE LOST
385
00:10:24,892 --> 00:10:25,992
OUT THERE AT THE PLATE.
386
00:10:25,993 --> 00:10:27,393
>> 'CAUSE HE SWUNG THE BAT LIKE
387
00:10:27,394 --> 00:10:28,234
A...GIRL.
388
00:10:28,228 --> 00:10:29,828
>> I WAS HAVING A LITTLE TROUBLE
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00:10:29,830 --> 00:10:31,260
GETTING AROUND ON HIS FAST BALL.
390
00:10:31,264 --> 00:10:32,474
BUT, UH, ALSO, UH, DEAREST
391
00:10:32,465 --> 00:10:33,965
SATAN, I PRAY THAT THE EARTH
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00:10:33,967 --> 00:10:35,237
WILL CRACK OPEN AND YOU WILL
393
00:10:35,235 --> 00:10:36,835
REIGN OVER MAN FOR 1,000 YEARS.
394
00:10:36,837 --> 00:10:37,937
HEY, MIRA, SATAN. MWAH.
395
00:10:37,938 --> 00:10:39,268
IT'S ALL FOR YOU, BABY, OKAY?
396
00:10:39,272 --> 00:10:40,842
>> WHAT A...WEIRD THING TO SAY.
397
00:10:40,841 --> 00:10:41,441
>> CREAM PIE!
398
00:10:41,441 --> 00:10:42,281
>> [ SCREAMS ]
399
00:10:42,275 --> 00:10:43,505
OH, GOD. OH, GOD! OH, GOD!
400
00:10:43,510 --> 00:10:45,010
>> WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?!
401
00:10:45,012 --> 00:10:46,252
YOU'RE GONNA EXPOSE THE WHOLE
402
00:10:46,246 --> 00:10:46,846
OPERATION!
403
00:10:46,847 --> 00:10:47,177
>> NO!
404
00:10:47,180 --> 00:10:48,280
>> WHAT BASEBALL GUYS DO!
405
00:10:48,281 --> 00:10:48,951
HAIL SATAN!
406
00:10:48,949 --> 00:10:50,119
>> DUDE, SATAN, IT WASN'T MY
407
00:10:50,117 --> 00:10:50,447
FAULT!
408
00:10:50,450 --> 00:10:51,480
IT'S GARY! LOOK AT HIM!
409
00:10:51,484 --> 00:10:52,424
HE'S A FAT IDIOT!
410
00:10:52,419 --> 00:10:53,249
>> [ SHRIEKS ]
411
00:10:53,253 --> 00:10:54,453
>> I JUST WANT TO SAY HAIL
412
00:10:54,454 --> 00:10:55,424
SATAN, EVERYBODY.
413
00:10:55,422 --> 00:10:56,922
I HOPE EVERYBODY'S DOING GOOD,
414
00:10:56,924 --> 00:10:57,964
AND MERRY CHRISTMAS!
415
00:10:57,958 --> 00:11:00,188
[ CACKLES ]
416
00:11:00,193 --> 00:11:01,433
>> THEY DO THE CREAM PIE WHEN
417
00:11:01,428 --> 00:11:03,098
THEY WIN, GARY.
418
00:11:03,096 --> 00:11:04,356
DON'T YOU WATCH SPORTS?
419
00:11:04,364 --> 00:11:06,104
>> YOU THINK YOU'RE GONNA BE A
420
00:11:06,099 --> 00:11:06,469
WHILE?
421
00:11:06,499 --> 00:11:08,269
'CAUSE I COULD GO GET YOU SOME
422
00:11:08,268 --> 00:11:09,268
MAGAZINES, OR --
423
00:11:09,269 --> 00:11:11,269
>> OH, NO, I'M GOOD.
424
00:11:11,271 --> 00:11:13,371
JUST SIT TIGHT IN THE BOWL, HUH?
425
00:11:13,373 --> 00:11:15,213
>> * I'VE BEEN ROTTEN,
426
00:11:15,208 --> 00:11:17,608
I'VE BEEN LEFT OUT BEFORE *
427
00:11:17,610 --> 00:11:20,180
* I'VE BEEN SHUT OUT, HAD MY
428
00:11:20,180 --> 00:11:22,880
FINGERS SLAMMED IN THE DOOR *
429
00:11:22,883 --> 00:11:25,153
* AND I'VE BEEN COLD,
430
00:11:25,152 --> 00:11:27,552
AND I FEEL OLD *
431
00:11:27,554 --> 00:11:29,624
* AND I FELT YOU LOOKING DOWN,
432
00:11:29,622 --> 00:11:31,962
AND I KNOW THINGS ARE LOOKING
433
00:11:31,959 --> 00:11:34,059
UP *
26055
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