All language subtitles for Teachers.2016.S03E07.The.Book.Challenge.WEB.x264-TBS.en

Okay, girlies, gather around.

I am so excited for our first meeting

of Snap's Bomb-Ass Fem Book Club,

inspired by Emma Watson's Instagram.

Did everyone get a chance to read

the landmark feminist book
"The Baby-Sitters Club:

Claudia and the Phantom Phone Calls"?

- Yes!
- Great!

What were your favorite
"yas, queen" moments?

I thought it was really cool
to see girls

as small business owners.

Yaaas, Margot!

We don't see that enough.

I like when they trapped
the guy who was making

the harassing telephone calls.

Yaaas, Francine!

Ugh. That was a total Time's Up moment.

People tend to think
harassment is a new trend,

but this book proves it existed
as far back as the '80s.

I also liked the way the characters

worked together
and supported each other.

Hmm. That's where she almost lost me.

Five women working
successfully together?

It's just not realistic.

Especially when some of them
are noticeably hotter

than the others.

I love Ann M. Martin.

Female writers are so cool.

They are so cool.

Yaaas, fem lit!

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Ugh. This is exhausting.

You've only carried in one box.

That's one box too many.

Where is Mary-Louise?

The only reason I didn't
protest getting book fair duty

was because I knew
she'd do all the work.

Seriously. I'm not unloading dick.

Baby's orders.

Everybody, shut up!

I have finally figured out
what my life's dream is.

To read at a third-grade level?

No, Deb.

"Patty Parakeet
Breaks the Glass Ceiling"?

It's by C.F. Blinky.

She's the guest author
for this year's book fair.

Her books are way feminist,

and they teach girls about bending over.

You mean leaning in?

Yeah, same thing.

I read her book this morning,

and I was so inspired by it...
and the fact

that she was a featured friend
on "The Real Housewives

of Potomac"... that I have decided

to be a children's author just like her!

You're going to write a children's book?

Yeah.

They're, like, 20 words
spread out over eight pages.

I tweet the equivalent
of ten children's books a day.

So what are you gonna write about?

I don't know,
which is why I want to talk

to a professional like C.F. Blinky,

who, by the way, is friends
with Reese Witherspoon.

Hey, guys.

Sorry I'm tardy to the party.

Mary-Louise, what happened?

Oh, I pulled my erector spinae

reaching for a Sour Patch Kid
that rolled under my car seat.

Oh, crap. So you can't lift anything?

Would you feel better if you
got to smell Chelsea's hair?

Nah. It's her fifth day
with dry shampoo.

It won't be nice and fresh
till another two.

Not to worry, though!

I called some movers to help us.

They should be here any... minute.

Moving Hunks?

I thought they meant
like hunks of furniture

or hunks of trash, not hunks of...

Meaty man muscle?

How did you find these guys?

Pastor Ted recommended them.

He said he uses them whenever
he has to do any heavy lifting.

He's always rearranging the rectory.

- I have to go.
- Wait.

You're not gonna stay around
for a good eye-bone?

No. I am currently
pursuing loftier goals

than getting lost in chiseled abs,

a tight butt, or how the muscles

perfectly shape into that deep V

right above that thick D!

Whoo!

Yeah.

I sacrifice for my art.

You look like a low-rent
limo driver at O'Hare.

I want to make C.F. Blinky
feel taken care of

from the moment she sets foot
on Fillmore soil.

Then why have you been eating

the cookie bouquet the school got her?

I sampled the product
to make sure it was up to par.

It is.

Hi. I'm here for the book fair.

C.F. Blinky in da house!

- Oh, God.
- Oh, my gosh.

So nice to meet you!

Chelsea Snap. Huge fan.

Huuuge.

What's wrong with you? Thank you.

I'll take it from here, Mavis.

That's Mavis. She sorts paper.

Oh.

I'll be your liaison while you're here.

Is Brent in his office, Mavis?

- No, but you can't go...
- Great!

Right this way, C.F.

Get lost.

It is so good to have a fellow
writer visit the school.

- Oh, you're a writer too?
- Oh, yeah.

- I'm published on Twitter.
- Oh.

I'm actually writing
my first children's book.

- It's totally feminist and awesome.
- Oh.

So, what are you writing right now?

Oh, you know, I'm in the process

of outlining my next book.

- It's about a cat named Rachel.
- Uh-huh.

Yeah, who opens, um, a no-kill shelter.

- Oh, that's good.
- Yeah, Rachel wants to help

her fellow female felines...
see, it's alliteration.

That's really good. That'll work.

Now, is it Rachel with an A
or the normal way?

What are you doing?

I'm gathering ideas for my book.

Okay, but you know
that's plagiarism, right?

I'm gonna change the cat's name.

Well, then, why did you
ask me how to spell it?

So I would use a different spelling!

- Duh.
- Okay, if you want to be an author,

you have to tell your own story.

- Wow.
- Yeah.

You are such a good mentor.

Uh, no, I'm not your mentor.

Yes. You are.

No, a mentorship works two ways.

It has to be consensual.

Uh-huh. I consent.

Yeah.

Okay.

I love the way their veins bulge

when they lift things from underneath.

I wish they'd...

Lift me from underneath.

So, this work?

No, I'm so sorry.

I'm gonna need to see it
over there again.

- Yeah.
- Okay.

This is about played out.
What else can they move?

This feels wrong.

We're all in committed relationships.

We shouldn't be gawking at these guys.

It's not cheating if it's not physical.

You don't believe in emotional cheating?

No. This isn't emotional.

The only thing crying is my vagina.

I'm just sayin'.

She wet.

C.F.?

Hi, hi, hi, hi, hi!

Okay, I'm a little busy right now...

- I know.
- With the... with the children.

These kids are everywhere.

As part of our mentorship,

I want to pitch a few
story ideas to you.

- Again, I'm not your mentor.
- Okay.

So, it's a story
about an empowered female

who is determined
to stand up for herself,

so she confronts her boyfriend.

"Why won't you return my texts?"

This emoji...

So, definitely not that.

Do you have other ideas?

Oh. Let me see here.

Uh-huh.

That was actually my only idea.

Why don't you try one

that doesn't revolve around a boy?

Okay. Got it.

It's a story about a girl

hangin' in the park,

talking to another girl.

I like that.

And she says, "Why won't my
boyfriend return my texts?"

Oh, boy.

Try one where the protagonist

doesn't mention or interact
with men at all.

Okay, got it.

It's a girl, sitting in her apartment,

alone.

And?

- What is she doing?
- Nothing, like you said.

How do you write a woman without a man?

It's impossible!

- What's this?
- These are just illustrations

I made from the point of view
of the woman.

Well, that's great.

They're just pictures of men.

What are you doing?

Meditating.

I thought my book idea might come to me,

but I keep fantasizing

about Jason Momoa as Aquaman!

If I rolled my eyes

as hard as I want to right now,
I'd go blind.

At least I am trying, Deb.

Okay. What do you want to write about?

I don't know. Something for girls?

Well, if you're looking for ideas,

there are girls all around you.

Write what matters to them.

Wow, Deb. That is the first time

you've ever given me advice
that didn't involve

pepper spray or a baseball bat.

No prob.

I gotta go give the Moving Hunks

something else to do before
they try to take off again.

Oh, no, oh, no! You're so big,

I'm getting pulled in by your gravity!

Earthquake.

- Leave me alone.
- Hey!

Stop it.

What do you think you're doing?

- Nothing.
- "Nothing."

You think making fun of someone
is nothing?

Hmm. What if someone said to you,

"Nice vest.
What are you, a service dog?"

Or you. What if someone said to you,

"Jeffrey Dahmer wants his glasses back"?

And don't act like I haven't
seen your mom

pulling you on a leash at the mall, Bob.

Say you're sorry.

Sorry.

Okay. Bye.

I am so sorry
that happened to you, Lizzie.

Bullying is not okay.

No one should ever make fun of someone

for the way they look.

One day, these people are gonna see

how bomb you are, and they'll be sorry.

Thanks, Ms. Snap.

Oh, my God.

That's my book!

Oh! Good for you. Off you go.

Thank you, Jesus.

You mean, thank me?

I've booked them
for the rest of the week.

Ugh.

I don't feel so good.

What's wrong?

I don't know, I just...

- Are you okay, Miss?
- I'm so cold.

Hypothermia. Hey, hey, come here.

We gotta warm her up.

Come on, skin to skin.

Come on.

Oh...

- Right there.
- I think I'm gonna need more skin.

Get that thing off.

Come on, bring it in tight.

So, so cold.

So cold!

Thank you.

I'm feeling much better now.

Excuse me, boys.

I'm supposed to rub
these transdermal vitamins

on my lower back,
for the health of my baby,

and I can't seem to reach.

Oh, let me help you with that, miss.

Only if it's not too much trouble.

- Yeah, no, not at all.
- Oh!

Oh, no.

I hope I don't choke on this.

Good work, Mary-Louise.

I didn't think you had it in you.

Oh, wait, she's really choking.

Oh, no, no, don't stop
creaming me up, though.

- Oh!
- They got it.

Heimlich!

Back brace is in the way.

What's a back brace doing
on a young woman?

I'm sorry, sir.

I thought it was chewing gum.

They're both pink, you know.

Hello?

Everyone?

I know you're all excited

to hear C.F. Blinky read tomorrow,

but there's another author in da house.

Me!

So gather around because my first book

is about to drop right now.

Before I begin, I would like to thank

the woman I would stand with
on a mountain,

bathe with in the sea,

and lay with like this forever.

My mentor, C.F. Blinky.

Nope.

I'm not your mentor.

I'm not her mentor, guys.

This story was inspired
by a very moving experience

I had with a little girl

who was going through a difficult time.

A book by Dr. Chelsea Snap.

This is Tina.

Tina was tubby.

Every day, she was bullied,
and she would cry.

She thought to herself,

"Will this ever end?"

So she stopped eating.

And she got thinner...

and thinner... and thinner...

And thinner...

and thinner... and thinner,

until her hunger plateaued
and she was finally happy,

because she was tiny.

The end.

Hey, hey.

You wrote a pro-anorexia book?

Pro-anorexia?

I wrote a book about a fat girl
who takes control

of her life by not eating anymore.

That's the definition of anorexia.

That book was reprehensible!

But it didn't have any men in it!

Oh, my God. Okay, you know what?

Stop writing.

Your ideas should not be heard.

Excuse me?

Hey, you want to have
a positive effect on the world?

Never write anything ever again!

You are not a writer!

They told Andy Warhol
he wasn't a painter!

And he stuck with it,
and look what happened!

Campbell's Soup ended up
using his art on their cans!

I will not give up.

Oh, hi.

I'm just grabbing some desks
for the Hunks to move tomorrow.

Wait, what are you doing here so late?

Proving everyone wrong.

Chelsea.

If you want to try and convince people

you're not a terrible teacher,

the children have to be here.

I don't care about that.

No one ever thinks I'm capable
of achieving my goals:

the producers of "Real World,"

the producers of "Naked and Afraid,"

the producers of "Teen Mom,"
and now C.F. Blinky.

I refuse to let another person

write me off as not good enough!

- "Teen Mom"?
- I would have gotten pregnant!

I think you're overlooking
a crucial adjective.

Thank you!

I am young and talented.
I am young and talented.

I am young and talented!

"Patty Parakeet
Breaks the Glass Ceiling."

Thank you.

Yes.

Hey, uh, we just want to say
thanks for all the help.

We're gonna really miss you guys.

- Wish we could say the same.
- I'm sorry?

We felt completely objectified

by you ladies all week.

But you're called Moving Hunks.

You wear tiny jean shorts.

- And tight tank tops.
- Whoa.

We wear those so we can feel sexy.

Not for you.

Yeah, I'm just doing this to put myself
through medical school.

- I felt unsafe.
- Whoa. Relax.

Okay. Please don't tell us to relax.

It's really condescending.

The end.

Ooh, ooh, ooh! Oh, hold on.

No, no, what are you doing?

Everyone, uh, wait.

Don't move.

There is one more author.

Me.

Hey, girl.

- Ugh.
- So sorry. That was great.

- I was so inspired.
- Okay.

Get ready to be wowed, though.

Before I begin,

I would like to apologize
to those of you

who were at my reading of "Tiny Tina."

I have since learned
that Tina was not happy

and she did have issues.

"Medium-Size Marla":

a book by Nobel Laureate Chelsea Snap.

Marla wasn't fat.

Marla wasn't skinny.

Marla was average and okay with it.

People didn't stare at her
or call her names.

They just kind of thought,

"Marla? I don't really have

a strong opinion about her either way."

When people were introduced to her,

they'd say, "I don't think we've met,"

but she'd always met them,

sometimes three or four times.

But they were usually okay with her

when they were reintroduced,

so she didn't mind.

She had a good time at the party.

No one asked her to dance,

but no one asked her to leave either.

Marla was able to skate through life

without ever being noticed.

And it was A-OK.

The end.

- C.F.? Ooh.
- Hey, girl.

Hey, C.F. Hey.

What did you think?

Well, it was a book.

Uh-huh.

Uh, not a very good book.

There was no story, no structure,

the character was completely
one-dimensional,

and it lacked any point of view.

But other than that...

Did you guys hear that?

Yeah. That was rough.

She said it was a book.

Authors write books.

I am an author!

Hey.

I just wanted to say I loved your story.

It is so refreshing

to finally meet a woman around here

who's a real role model.

Can I buy a copy for my niece?

You know what?

You can have the original manuscript.

I'll even sign it for you.

Wow. Thank you.

Uh-huh.

There you go.

"Nice bulge, hot dick"?

Excuse me, ma'am.

I heard you were looking
for a hunk to haul some junk.

Why, yes, I was.

And you are quite the hunk.

Oh!

You even brought props.

It's okay.

You know what?

I would much rather have you move

one of those water jugs.

Oh, you want me to move your jugs, huh?

Oh, yeah.

It's empty.

Uh-oh.

I better fill it up.

Oh.

I gotta get underneath it.

How about the toaster?

Oh, you want me to...
move your toaster, huh?

Toby, I gotta get back to work, so...

Yeah, I'll-I'll get the toaster.

I get it.

Oh, it's electric.

Ah! Hot! Hot!

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