Original subtitles

HEARTY GREETINGS FROM THE GLOBE

-Why are you yelling? -Me?

But...

Darling!

-Did you throw a bottle from the window?! -No, Mr. Vanyerka. -I wish!

Stay covered, miss. For now.

One, two.

Rascals! Is it possible to get any privacy here?!

-Don't be cross with me, I don't know, what...

Mr. Vanyerka?

What happened, Mr. Vanyerka?

Mr. Vanyerka?

Oh, a bump! Come round, Mr. Vanyerka.

Well, wake up!

Yirinka, Wait! Yirinka!

Now look.

Was that necessary? Mr. Vanyerka?

Where have they sent us?

We're here.

-They are people. -Beautiful.

It's a nice sunny day, once again, good morning.

We will open a window and take a deep breath.

For the floor, actually for your arms, now calls another exercise,

only for ambitious athletes, because these will be press-ups.

So, a nice, straight push-up on your arms,

legs backwards, we start by bending the arms down,

but we are not laying on the belly doing this,

we are stretching our arms nicely making a push-up

And here we go.

We loosen our arms And up and down and up and...

Sir.

Excuse me.

Import, export.

Let's go.

Mr. Vanyerka?

-Doctor Yansky? -Yes. What would you like?

You're not going to invite us in?

Of course.

Please.

You were chosen by the biggest computer in the galaxy

to be the representative of the planet.

Congratulations.

We came to accumulate objective systematical information.

About the conditions on Earth.

This is a confidential mission. You understand?

Calm down, please.

Part of our project is to be inconspicuous.

But if you really arrived from outer space,

you would look completely different.

Like what?

For example like green elves or something like that.

We don't like doing this.

Every change of appearance exhausts us. Doesn't it?

Then we must rest for a long time.

Now do you believe us?

Excuse me, but why me?

Why only me?

How can I be beneficial to you?

There are other influential people, why don't you go to them?

For example...

-For example... -No need.

Look, doctor,

you are a completely ordinary, insignificant man.

-Congratulations. -You don't lie.

And this is exactly what we need.

We need a background,

a guide, who will help us understand matters on Earth.

I must go to work.

Pardon. What is "work"?

Work... Work is the meaning of life.

And what is the meaning of life?

Meaning...

I will explain it to you when I get back from work.

-You mustn't snap. -And what is "snap"?

Such big gaps in knowledge...

Snap, is like...

It is like...

I have it! It was those from the eighth floor.

When I catch them, I will really catch them!

INSTITUTION FOR RELATIONS WITH EXTRATERRESTRIAL CIVILIZATIONS.

Hey...

Doctor!

ARTIFICIAL FOOD RESEARCH

Good morning, Jerry.

Some things in people's homes ring continuously.

And some don't.

But also continuously.

Martin?

-I'd like to say something. -Yes.

If it goes on like this, it will come to an end.

-Yes. -I mean yesterday.

Yes.

Why did you let that idiot be with you? We could have had a nice evening.

-Yes. -Who are you constantly calling?

-Are you even listening to me? -No. I mean yes.

You get this from the pills.

Trying it on yourself! What do you have your guinea-pigs for?

Some things in human homes are breakable.

And some are unbreakable.

What do people use it for?

I don't know, people are strange.

And hang up when I'm speaking with you!

No, I can't stand it.

When will this misery end?!

Some things can open normally.

And some can't open at all.

But they can.

We must close the opening so that something else won't fly away.

-Some things play. -And some things don't play.

-Did you turn a knob? -Yes. All.

It doesn't play. It's only hissing.

Of course it doesn't play. There aren't any parts there.

And now we welcome in the studio professor Janatka,

to introduce the popular series "Mystical outer space".

Dear audience,

recently there have been many groundless reports

about the existence of extra-terrestrial civilizations on our planet.

From a scientifical point of view this is shear nonsense because...

Hey, doctor!

-Thank you. -You're welcome.

-That was a great explosion, Doctor. -You gave us a real treat.

Congratulations!

At night some people are falling into a strange kind of unconsciousness.

-Shall we try it too? -Well, since we are here...

-Are you already unconscious? -Not yet.

Mum, mummy, Not noodles! Please not noodles!

Let's repeat after him.

Mum, mummy, Not noodles! Please not noodles!

Mum, mummy, Please not noodles!

Not noodles.

Not noodles.

Not noodles. Not noodles.

Noodles... no.

-Not noodles.

Why me?

Why only me?

Why only me?

Why only...

What is it?

-A soft-boiled egg. -It has a great shape.

A civilization that can produce such a perfect thing,

- is a very advanced civilization. -This is not produced,

-hens lay these. -Hens? -Yes.

Tell them we congratulate them.

Excuse me, but according to the program we have an opinion poll.

Do you want help? You're not going to eat?

No, don't worry. We have our own methods.

Good afternoon. How would you react to a visit from extraterrestrial civilizations?

I would kick them in the arse!

Look, I'm not intrerested in politics.

At work I'm doing my job, I adorn windows.

I want my own peace.

Good afternoon.How would you react to a visit from an extraterrestrial civilization?

Pidlivization?

How would you react to a visit from an extraterrestrial pidlivization?

Civilization.

It depends on where they came from.

Good afternoon. Can we ask you a question?

How would you react to a visit from extraterrestrial civilizations?

We must have made a mistake somewhere.

Look, just between us,

-what do you think of them? -So I should give my opinion?

No, don't worry. I'm telling you "just between us".

I'm supposed to give my opinion between us?

-I will not give it. -And why not?

I will give my opinion, and you will broadcast it,

and who will have problems? Me. Do I want problems? No.

If you want problems then give your opinion.

What, me?! I'm only an ordinary substrate.

Excuse me,

how would you react to a visit from an extraterrestrial civilization?

Now I don't know what I would say.

I'm thinking about something else, I don't perceive you.

Well, I don't know.

Everyone whould be wondering and would be curious how it would work out.

For sure they would be wondering too.

It's an interesting question, but I don't know.

That question has been put strangely.

Depending on whether they have the antennae or they speak with a dictaphone.

-Do they seem normal to you? -Normal?

-Definitely not. -Really? -Normal? No.

I would probably be a bit taken aback from it.

I would probably go crazy if they were here.

I haven't the time to respond to anything, I'm going to a meeting.

That sublime expression... It's possible to see it when they are thinking.

When I'm thinking, you can't see anything on me.

Nothing at all.

Really.

But you are forgetting that we don't need to think.

So we can continue.

-Can I ask you a question? -Certainly.

How would you react to a visit from an extraterrestrial civilization?

How would I react...

Calmly, the same as to any other visit.

How fluid their walking is. Just look.

We are not walking we are shambling. Yes, we are shambling.

Calm down. They'll also be shambling.

How would you react to a visit from an extraterrestrial civilization?

I'm already too old for this.

How would you react to a visit from an extraterrestrial civilization?

Hard to say.

Thank you.

You're from television, aren't you? They have questions like this.

I don't know how I would react, you know.

Please don't put this on television. So that I don't blurt something.

I would probably try to suggest that I'm peaceful.

Good afternoon. Can we ask you one...

-One? -I think we've already been here.

Only one?!

Release me!

We come in peace! From the galaxy!

-I'll give you galaxy! -Release me!

-No! You'll break my arm! -You won't make fun of me!

-Rascals! -Let me go!

-I�ll break the door down with you! - Let me go!

I'm not here for anyone's fun! I've just finished a night shift!

-And they call themselves intelligent creatures! -Calm down.

I'll tell you who they are.

-Aggressive louts. -Calm down.

I won't stay here a minute longer.

-We are flying back. -And what about our mission?

-What will we tell home? -The truth.

They'll send someone more skilful here and we won't go anywhere else anymore.

Don't be crazy.

Why didn't you keep the finished answers?

-Our methods are good for nothing. -So we must use their methods.

It seems that if someone gives you one blow,

-you have to strike back. -You think?

-What are you doing? -Strike back.

-At once? -You mustn't hesitate!

If you think...

-How was it? -Fine!

Well, that's it!

Hurray, we have it!

-They haven't worked this out badly.

Pick it up, the galaxy is waiting for our report.

One moment, we'll just settle something here.

So you see, an agreement is always possible.

Hush!

The planet is called Earth.

It's inhabited by living creatures.

Multi-legged,

four-legged...

and two-legged.

The two-legged creature is called a human.

He considers himself to be the highest form of life.

He has gained control of energy...

and invented a line of useful things.

The lighter,

The telephone,

The toaster.

-Soft-boiled eggs, the food dispenser.

An automatic machine for amusement.

Pop music.

Guided missiles.

Stress.

-Tranquillizers, stimulants.

-Myocardial infarction, reduction diet.

Jogging.

The escalator.

And public transport.

Together all these things are called "technical civilization".

Technical civilization serves people so that they are happy and satisfied.

Technical civilization functions by using buttons.

Connection started.

Pop into the supermarket at least for mineral water.

Hey gentlemen, a trolley!

Act inconspicuously. Observe.

Watch how people are doing it.

-Push, push! -Don't act crazy.

-The bigger is carrying the smaller. -I told you, inconspicuously!

-What a lot of things. -All of these can produce people.

It's fantastic.

We must take samples.

We should have started here and not with the inquiry.

"They spare your time".

Do you know what fascinates me the most about people?

How they live. Packaged time. Magnificence.

Hey, look!

-Galaxy. -What have they written about us?

"Aromatic, coloured, Trnava."

Take ten.

Stadium of developed miniaturization.

Now we must choose what we want.

Well we won't take this.

And what about this?

We'll take this.

-Give me one too. -Open your own.

Horror!

Don't let these two out, they don�t have any ID.

-I'll call the police. -Don't do it!

Hold on please, I will explain!

Beat it!

Doctor, what about the mineral water?

They are not from here. They're from a different galaxy.

I mean from the agricultural co-operative Galaxy.

Such a small village. Never in their life have they seen a big supermarket.

Manager, I will pay for it all.

-Why me? I'm not responsible for it!

-What have you got? -Me? Nothing.

-Give it here! -But I really don't have anything!

-Quick, what is it? -A little memento.

We fly from such a great distance, with a noble mission.

and you steal in a supermarket.

That makes 3625 crowns and 50 hellers.

-Thank you. -All right.

Hello.

What does this mean?

We can't figure out the process in which this works.

-Can you give us some advice? -What is in the can?

Great.

But we can't see in there.

Do you have matches, doctor?

No! Jeez, it's petrol!

Where did you get it?

This must go immediately!

-What if someone saw you? -It was lying in front of the house.

Unattended.

The man who owns this, saved a long time for it.

-Worked. Went without food. -Really?

Someone stole my car!

Someone stole my car! Someone stole my car!

Someone stole my car!

Someone stole my car!

I've been saving all my life!

I've been working all my life!

I went without food all my life! Fuck it!

Someone stole my car! Someone stole my car!

Someone stole my car!

Go and look! You can be a witness!

Give it back immediately!

Mr. Vanyerka? Mr. Vanyerka!

It was here!

It was here!

Here it is!

Here it is, here it is!

Here it is, here it is.

Good work, comrades.

I'm glad you came. They stole my car just now.

I am Vanyerka Joseph, trustee.

Born... I was born...

Good, isn't it? We did what we could!

The planet is actually controlled by a creature,

which moves on four legs.

It's called a car.

It is the most numerous creature on the planet.

A car is used for moving from place to place.

The meaning of this moving is unknown.

A car is noisy,

comfortable...

and gives off an intensive stench.

Despite this, people live in perfect harmony with this creature.

They remove various obstacles from it's path...

and build for it huge structures which are called highways.

People hold cars in high esteem.

They show certain signs of concern when they lose them.

Martin!

-Martin! -I love you!

One moment, the boss has a meeting.

I'm asking for sick leave.

Immediately.

Now before the symposium? You've gone crazy!

And what about the report?

Do you have the report for me?

-Well... -Yes, or no?

-No? -I'm sorry.

It'll be all right.

Sorry.

-Yansky! -Good bye!

Martin, what's going on?

You won't even look at me?

You have a nice hat.

Yes, yes, Doctor Yansky.

Decent,

truthful,

responsible,

So send him to a psychiatrist.

Life is beautiful.

-I know. -So what's missing in your life?

It's not missing. It's excessive.

I have aliens at home.

So relax nicely, don't think about anything.

Life is beautiful.

You don't understand!

-I can't go any further. -I know.

-Life is beautiful, isn't it? -But I really have two aliens at home.

-A visit from another planet. -Well, great!

So you will rest at our place,

and when you get out of here, you'll be as fit as a fiddle, won't you?

-Doctor? -Yes? -We are full.

We are full. So you won't rest at our place.

But you'll go and rest in nature,

and you'll be as fit as a squirell.

Sister, write down.

Nature is the best doctor.

Doctor, haven't you had enough of us yet? No?

-Don't you feel tired? -Let me see.

You look bad. Is there something wrong with you?

No, I'm only a bit overworked.

Cursed, fucking job!

Where are you screwing around?!

-What's the matter, boss? -Watch your language!

Fuck watching my language!

You watch your job!

I don't understand him. What's this man talking about?

Come on, boys, don't be crazy.

Because of you all the gang is at a stand-still.

-Boys, come on. -No boys. Look.

-Reproduction artists. -We are starting a new life, boss.

-Here is the agreement, master. -"Group Biceps".

-We are going down the artistic road. -Therefore...

we can fuck this job.

Cursed, fucking job!

Excuse me, do you have

some cursed, fucking job for us?

And now we will play for our Rose from the canteen.

This is a magnificent feeling!

Splendid.

Indeed.

How does it work?

What�s wrong with you?

Well, what�s up?

Nothing. I�m working.

Well, you're working, but this isn't working.

You're right. And does yours work?

I can�t see a button anywhere.

Maybe it�s centrally controlled somehow.

A kind of central control.

Hallo! Hallo! Hallo!

It�s trash.

Oh look!

It�s working.

Look, isn�t it manually propelled?

Mine also works.

Perfectly!

Try it with this.

-It�s splendid! -It�s something.

It�s really something.

You have two days off,

go to the forest and pull yourself together.

Yes, nature is beautiful.

Sometimes I jack it in

and go to a forest somewhere, to nature�s bosom.

A forest, what can be more beautiful?

The clearing, stumps...

deer, foxes, otters, seals, giraffes...

Walruses... Ah...

I can�t remember the last time I was there.

A propos of the report, do you have it for me?

No, I...

Quiet.

Be quiet.

Be quiet.

We�re only human.

Accompany the doctor, please.

Comrade director, a delegation is waiting for you.

Are the scissors prepared?

It�s beautiful! Isn�t it beautiful, when all the houses are the same?

There�s such an order in it.

-Harmony, architecture.

When I report this at home...

And I would like to repeat once more in this solemn moment,

as a poet says: �O, thanks, thanks to your effort.�

Because miniaturization and electronics...

are the future of mankind.

Do you know what I like the most about people?

That they can always celebrate something.

All right, I�m coming.

-They�re always pestering. -Hurry, these are ours.

Inhabitants of Earth live in houses.

In small,

bigger

and the biggest.

Many houses together are called a town.

A town provides comfort for people.

People start the day with a row of typical actions.

When they have done the prescribed number of actions,

they leave their houses and rush away.

They attend to useful activities, which they call work.

On Earth work is the meaning of life.

People get money for work.

People buy things with money, which increases their comfort.

After work people return to their homes.

By pressing a button they set in motion a device for amusement.

Amusement serves people by drawing in new energy,

so they can successfully repeat another cycle of daily activities.

-Oh no. -Oh yes.

You put more effort in your work. As we say, toil.

Not so. You put into it more intelligence, as we say, craft.

Well, all right.

It�s beautiful!

Splendid.

-It�s warming. -I�m just going to the bathroom.

We are the first from our galaxy,

to enjoy this feeling.

An uplifting feeling.

I now pronounce you husband and wife.

You may kiss the bride.

Nature will do you good.

I will arrive after you...

Don�t lose your temper.

You know it�s bad.

You'll take a rest, everything will be like before.

My little bunny will go to a nice forest,

snuggle down,

yes, snuggle down...

Tell me, why don�t you follow the program?

Who�s the lady, Doctor?

What have you done now?

Yirinka, please!

These are only friends. Yirinka!

Never get married doctor. It�s terrible!

Yirinka...

Enough!

Guys, I surrender!

I�m a goner. Look at me.

I don�t sleep.

I wanted to sleep with the lady!

That is, get married!

And getting married, doctor,

does it relate somehow to reproduction?

Go away.

Go away!

Go away.

Doctor,

we are terribly sorry, but we aren�t doing it out of spite.

We don't have it easy either.

Such research is so terribly demanding.

We are trained specialists.

I spent my youth on a simulator. With my head downwards.

I didn�t have a childhood at all.

Do you know what it means to toil through cold

eternal space

from planet to planet

whole light years

with such a half-wit?

You should take a rest.

Do you also rest sometimes?

-Only in critical situations. -And how?

Shall we show it to the doctor?

Well, actually it�s a secret.

But we can show it to you.

Ten, nine, eight, seven...

-Six. -...six,

five, four, three, two,

One, now!

So how did you like it, doc...

RESERVATION

In the last episode of our serial Mystical Outer Space

we explained some groundless theories

about the existence of extraterrestrial civilizations

and their alleged envoys on Earth. Today...

-There he is! -Fasten your seat belt and no smoking.

How many times do I have to remind you?

Doctor!

Doctor?

-Are you here? Hallo! -Hallo!

-Hallo! -Hallo!

He�s not here. I hope nothing will happen to him.

-It doesn�t look safe here. -Well, it�s quiet instead.

If I�m not wrong, it�s such a sharp, frosty silence.

I would say even a dry silence.

Personally I'm more suited to the silence on Jupiter.

The silence there was so fizzy.

-I�m not wrong, am I? -Yeah.

On Jupiter it was fizzy, but sometimes deep and sublime.

While on Ganimed the silence was kind of dark blue,

lazy, blending together.

-Am I right? Do you remember? -Of course.

Only I don't remember what the silence blended together with.

With a morning cock-crow.

But on Oberon the silence there was something wicked.

-The nicest silence is on our planet. -That's right.

Such a silence I haven't heard anywhere else yet.

The evenings in front of the bunker... It's such a silence.

Hallo, Doctor!

Quiet! You are in a reserved area.

I am a crystal clear well, please drink.

I am a crystal clear well, please drink.

I am a crystal clear well, please drink.

I am...

I am a crystal clear well, please dri...

I am a crystal clear well...

-That�s beauty, isn�t it? -Yes, but we would...

Mother Nature will outlive us all.

-It�s beautiful. -But we are looking for...

Yes, yes, a rest.

We have wonderful things here.

Yes, but we are looking for...

It's something, isn't it?

Wow, it�s like at our home.

According to the dynamic plan of the landscape development,

there should be a hundred years of untouched nature here later.

-Let�s continue. -Yes, but...

-Who are you actually looking for? -A colleague.

He got lost, We�re worried about him.

In our forest nobody can get lost.

Oh, yeah, in the past horrible things happened here. Rabbits ate grass,

foxes ate rabbits and bears ate whatever crossed their mind.

But now thank God there is order here. Look.

I know a crystal clear well, where the forest is the deepest.

Dark bracken grows there and in the surroundings, red heather.

Thank you for your visit, sirs. We are closing.

Please, wait. We've lost our friend here.

But no one can get lost here, sirs.

-It belongs to the ministry of culture. -But it�s a scientist.

-And what�s his name? -Doctor Yansky.

Hallo. This is attendant Zero.

Doctor Yansky come to the exit of the reservation.

I repeat. This is attendant zero, barrier 173.

Doctor Yansky come to the exit of the reservation.

You caused this. What a mission!

-You are an interplanetary bungler. -Let it go.

Look, everybody drives, but we are going on foot.

This way we will never look like people.

-And would you like it? -Well... they are better, prettier.

Look at me. Never in my life have I looked better.

In contrast to it, out there at home, how do we look?

It's better not to speak about it! The ridiculous antennae.

Horror!

I�m telling you, I�m considering whether or not to stay like this.

All right.

Normally we look hideous. That�s a fact.

On the other hand we can travel where we want.

Yoohoo! Come for a ride!

All over space. And that�s a fact too.

Well guys? Are we going?

FREE HOUSEHOLD

Look, where are you going?

-There, where you're going. -What about having a picnic?

I�m not interested in it, doctor or no doctor, nature is not anarchy!

-But I... -From eight until four and that�s it!

What do we have here?

Come.

Come.

-Show me what you've got here? -Wait, stop it.

-This is lovely. -Don�t touch it! It�s mine.

Wait, come on...

-It�s beautiful... -I will take...

No, please!

No... Help! Help!

Hel...

Come...

Come...

Saw, saw...

-You're also going to a meeting? -Also.

Inter-ministry?

No. Inter-planetary.

So take him, Stanin.

Look, tell me,

do you love me?

Look, do you hear?

Will you write to me?

Tell me, do you love me?

Will you write to me?

Manya? Let�s beat it!

Look...

We're just naturally loose!

We can�t broadcast this to our planet, nobody would believe it.

And why not?

Because if they get to know this on our planet,

then everyone will want to fly here.

And we don't have enough flying saucers for this.

It would be the end of our civilization.

You get it?

Hallo. Hallo!

What do you think?

Should I write to her?

Don�t pick it up! What will you report to them?

This just isn't possible.

I'll adjust the message a bit so it won't be so shocking.

What do you think about this?

-No. It�s concealing facts. -I know.

But it will be better this way. Believe me.

I'll only a little bit more...

Well you broadcast this alone.

Did you go crazy for her or what?

No. I only wanted... Sorry.

-Well not this at all. -And why not?

On Earth there are people of different genders,

that attract each other,

and they call it love. Why don�t you want to broadcast it?

Because they wouldn�t understand it. Love...

And why do you care?

We must deliver all available information.

This information is available, but incommunicable.

-What do you suggest? -I wouldn�t like it if

we caused panic on our planet.

I'll alter it a bit.

-What about this? -Let me see.

�On Earth there are people of different genders,

that attract each other.� This is already better.

So broadcast it.

But... �attract each other�. I'll omit this too.

-This is useless titillation. -All right.

Broadcast it.

-And what about the gender? -What about it?

Wait, I have it!

And this way it will be without consequences.

�There are people on Earth.�

Right?

It�s not so shocking, and at same time it�s true.

Ha! Where is my report?

Here.

Yansky! We'll deal with this together.

What do you look like?

You are dismissed.

The representant of the ecological committee of the UN.

Ah, so that's him.

Could you please tell us what your first impressions were of your visit to us?

There he is!

Really, you�re right.

Sometimes even in your case it�s possible to talk about intelligence.

Doctor.

-I didn�t suspect that you know it. -We scientists are one family.

Doctor Yansky is my best co-worker.

The pillar of our institution.

-Have you seen Mr. Cimrman here? -He�s at yours.

Master Miller!

I have read in Scientist your essay about the curvature of space.

Your hypothesis is absolutely crazy.

But these days crazy hypotheses have the right to be applied.

Congratulations. Professor Horowitz.

I�m telling you here on this grain of space dust

they tap excellent beer. Come.

I suppose, space is curved like this.

-I agree. But... -There isn�t any "but".

But...

Everyone to saloon 6, please.

Everyone to saloon 6, please.

I suppose it�s curved like this.

You mean like this and at the same time also like this.

Well it�s grandiose!

This is a revolutionary idea!

And at the same time it�s beautiful.

Please follow me to saloon 6.

Fantastic!

And at the end of the symposium I have the honour of showing you

the result of the work of our institution.

The first successful samples of synthetic food.

Please.

Fantastic!

It needs some mustard.

-And now I�m inviting you to... -Sorry?

...a little refreshment.

Don�t worry about it, they don't understand it. Men.

Do you know how it will lighten the work for us employed women?

Someday in the future all of us will eat this way.

All over the world.

Even before starting the live transmission

we have to get you familiar with one interesting thing.

There's an increasing number of reports,

that visitors from distant planets move among us

The latest report of this sort came to us from Joseph Vanyerka.

He claims that he spotted a spacecraft.

What did it look like? Can you describe it to us?

Like a dumpster.

Here you have it dear audience, most of these cases

when confronted with clear scientific thinking

are revealed as sheer nonsense.

We thank Mr. Joseph Vanyerka.

This way, please.

-Pray, because... -Just like a dumpster.

-Please, the conference. -Just like a big dumpster.

Dear spectators, utilizing the international symposium

and with live broadcasting from the Milton hotel

scientists of world significance will answer your questions.

Profesor Elington, please.

Thank you.

This is a sample of rock originating from Mars,

that the probe M356 just brought

from this mysterious planet.

Bravo!

Will this piece of space stuff

answer the question that has been bothering people for centuries?

So far we've been researching it in our laboratories.

Even the first results have brought some exciting prospects.

If we expose this sample

to beams of the slightest intensity

it will begin to warm intensively.

Please, see for yourself.

Please.

-What are you drinking chairman? -Well, it�s a medicine,

I'm suffering from gall stones.

Seven billions...

in the shit hole.

Well, now we have another question.

Joseph Beysovec from Vamberka asks:

What do you think of dwarf stars?

Professor Miller, please.

Dwarf stars are stars with a hormonal disorder.

In fact they are stars that didn�t grow into the regular size.

Also I can assure you,

that in space most stars are precisely according to the norm.

-It�s unheard of! -On the contrary. Bravo.

One of your theories is better than the other.

Gentlemen, quiet please.

Here is another question.

Marie Brnena from Uvaly asks,

Do intelligent beings live in space?

Professor Nowak will answer

He's an expert on space civilizations.

Please.

We have evidence that there is no place in space

with such a high density of intelligent creatures

-like there is on Earth. -It�s mystification!

-Where is this evidence? -Space civilizations exist!

But gentlemen!

It doesn�t make sense to look for civilizations in space

while our own civilization slowly ceases to exist.

It�s unacceptable defeatism.

The principles of evolution are the same throughout the whole universe.

What's that?

If in the universe there are the same principles of evolution like on Earth,

then potential inhabitants of other planets

would certainly go mad like us.

Gentlemen.

Earth pidlivization, excuse me, civilization is great.

There is nothing so perfect, you can�t find it in this galaxy,

or even in the whole universe.

When compared to what is happening on Earth,

there is nothing happening at all on other space objects.

Except for banal eruptions of poisonous matter.

By the time the most developed planet in space

invents such a fantastic thing,

for example the television or the water closet,

billions of years will have passed away.

�Professors Nowak and Miller have arrived.�

In Zurich they got on a different coach to Hawaii by mistake.

Where should I sit them?"

Nowak... Miller?

Inhabitants of Earth are reasonable beings.

They are able to think,

use instruments

and invent new things.

The most reasonable humans are called scientists.

Scientists congregate in research institutions,

where they attend to organised reasonable activity.

A group of scientists are called a scientific team.

Scientific teams commit discoveries,

which bring benefit to the whole of mankind.

The highest form of reasonable activity on Earth

is the scientific symposium.

They resolve the ill-effects of beneficial scientific work.

Particular scientists are tagged with labels,

so they don�t get confused.

The more scientific teams,

the more life on Earth is better

and more beautiful.

If it continues like this,

soon life on Earth will be absolutely perfect.

So that was our last greeting from Earth.

What could they be doing there at ours? At home?

Nothing.

You know them.

-Doctor Yansky. -Dear doctor.

-Our mission is complete. -We are flying back.

You've provided priceless service to the idea of interspace cooperation.

-The whole galaxy is proud of you. -Congratulations.

I... One moment.

I also have to thank you.

So thanks for everything, and see you later sometime.

No, no �see you later�.

I know that we caused you certain inconveniences.

But now it�s the end of this. We are going back home.

We are already fed up with you also. Don�t take it personally.

-Otherwise you are very nice. -To your health.

When our official delegation comes here,

we will bring you a decoration. You golden boy!

I will mount the little horse...

Sing with me.

When I join the army

Everyone! And you, my dear

-Call me Pepa. -Hi, Pepa.

-What should I call you? -Whatever you like, Pepa.

-For example, can I call you monster? -You can, Pepa.

-And I will also call you monster. -Call me monster 2,

-so there's order in it. -Bye, monsters.

Bye, Pepa.

Boys, I like you.

Yirinka!

These are my friends from space.

Nice to meet you, I�m the princess of Monaco.

They are just flying back.

Cheers.

-Cheers, Pepa. -Cheers, monsters.

Well? Do they congratulate us? I�m looking forward to going home.

We'll get bonuses, I'll buy new aquarium,

feed the fish, and have peace and quiet.

-I probably won�t even tell you. -And you call yourself a friend?

The central computer has assessed our information

and has found serious problems.

Planet Earth is heading for catastrophe.

Serious problems... What do we have to do with it?

That is we have to stay hear and solve them.

Cursed, fucking job!

What�s their problem? Everything is in order here.

We described it so nicely for them.

How it works, how fantastic it is here on Earth.

Unlikely. You don�t understand it too much,

you're a junior substrate, but I know different.

The computer is always right.

-I�m so glad, Martin. -Me too, Yirinka.

Doctor Yansky?

You have been chosen as a representative of the election committee and...

-So Doctor Yansky will be really pleased with that. -We can�t do that to him.

He's such a decent man. Who do we have next?

A Joseph Vanyerka.

Excuse me, do you know where Mr. Vanyerka lives?

Joseph! Joseph Vanyerka!