Original subtitles

Where is the admiral? He summoned us here.

The admiral's tour of duty has ended.

What of the admiral?

He has been subjected to disciplinary termination.

I have assumed command.

This battle group has consistently suffered

the greatest casualties of any attack force in the fleet.

His Imperial Majesty has sent me

to take control of our attack on the Arcturus system.

To insure our success, all ships

have been equipped with enforcer drones to remove

weak links in the command.

Any deviation from the invasion plan will result in disciplinary review.

Outrageous!

The tide of battle can change in seconds.

I'll not send my boys to Arcturus with

an enforcer drone breathing down my neck!

- I will! - Me, too. No problem.

Whoa!

- Good morning. - Morning.

Russell, anybody need a sheriff while I was gone?

Most folks don't know we've got one.

I like it. What are you up to?

I'm set up by the new off-ramp.

What for?

I'm gonna catch Big Bean's first speeder.

At least I know where to forward your Christmas present.

Ho-ho-ho.

- Excuse me! - You're excused.

What's the problem?

Nothing these two barrels can't solve.

Hold on a sec.

Why don't you give me the gun?

'Cause I'm a crazy old man.

I'm as likely to blow you out of your socks as give you the time of day.

What do you think of that?

It'd be a damn shame to shoot it out with you.

I suppose it would.

I was just gonna scare him.

You scared me.

Here.

What's going on with you and the farmer's trust?

This here is what's going on.

Look at it. Look there and there.

All right. Let me read it, okay?

Go ahead. Nobody can do anything about that, no way.

That's true.

- Clambaker! - That's Klembecker.

Steve W. Klembecker, president of the farmer's trust.

Farmer's trust! My Aunt Suzy's rear end!

One of the forward-thinking businessmen

who convinced the council we needed a new sheriff.

We never needed a sheriff until you showed up, you crook!

Hold it. Wait.

Did you send this letter?

I believe that's my signature right there.

I'm afraid the party's over?

The party's over. That's correct.

As per Mr. Wrenchmuller's loan agreement

the credit union has legal right to assume control

of the property tomorrow at noon.

Unless he can come up with the cash or a crop to sign over.

Nobody's got a crop.

There's nothing you can do with the property

- until next season anyway. - Sheriff Hoxley.

Sheriff Hoxley, you're new here.

Let me clue you in.

You see, we have direct highway access now

and the opportunity to turn this town into a metropolis.

Unless you've got the money to pay off overdue loans

maybe you should stick to the kind of calls

we hired you to handle,

like keeping vagrants off the street.

If you would?

We'll deal with this in the morning

at the courthouse.

Come on, Mr. Wrenchmuller.

Aren't you kinda big for a boy scout?

I can take care of myself.

Happy Halloween, Big Bean.

The Arcturians have destroyed the fleet.

I've sent a distress signal

to all ships across the galaxy.

We're headed into their sun and are about to explode!

I have not yet begun to fight.

Now would be a great time to start!

How was school today?

Okay.

- How was sheriffing? - Okay.

You really don't like it here, do you, Kathy?

Everything was starting to get back to normal.

- Then we just decide to move. - It's a good job.

- There's nothing to do. - There's trick or treat.

You're sending me with kids I don't know.

Somebody's got to keep the streets safe.

From what? Cows?

Do we have any Krazy glue?

Um, I think it's in that box.

What's the matter?

Everyone's gonna show up dressed like scarecrows, pigs, and clowns and stuff.

So?

I'm not sure Big Bean is ready for aliens.

[ Radio Announcer ] Achoo! Sorry about that folks.

This being Halloween night

I thought it'd be fun to dust off an old favorite

from the golden days of radio.

50 years ago tonight, Orson Welles

gave a depressed nation a few hours

of desperately needed fun.

Things being the way they are these days

we could sure use a little of that.

So, Big Bean

just for tonight

forget your woes and have a good time.

The Columbia Broadcasting System and its affiliated stations

present Orson Welles and the Mercury Theatre

in The War of the Worlds.

Ladies and gentlemen,

the director and star of these broadcasts, Orson Welles.

[ Orson Welles ] We know now in the early years of the 20th century

this world was being watched closely by intelligences

greater than man's, yet as mortal as his own.

We know that as humans busied themselves

about their various concerns

they were scrutinized and studied

perhaps almost as narrowly as a man with a microscope

might scrutinize the transient creatures

that swarm and multiply in a drop of water.

With infinite complacence

people went about their little affairs

serene in the assurance of their dominion

over this small, spinning fragment of solar driftwood

which by chance or design,

man has inherited out of the dark mystery of time and space.

Yet, across an immense ethereal gulf

minds that are to our minds

as ours are to the beasts in the jungle

intellects vast, cool and unsympathetic

regarded this Earth with envious eyes

and slowly and surely drew their plans against us.

Hey, I heard a distress signal.

Patrol ship X-5-9-Y-P-Q to Battle Group 7, come in.

It's like the fleet disappeared!

Maybe it's interference. Get us outta the rocks.

We're almost clear. Okay

hit it!

[ Orson Welles ] Ladies and gentlemen, I have a grave announcement.

Both the observations of science

and the evidence of our eyes

lead to the inescapable assumption

that those beings who landed in the Jersey Farmlands

are the vanguard of an invading army from Mars.

I remember when they first played that.

You remember pterodactyls.

I remember you fell for that hook, line, and sinker.

- I did not. - You did so.

You put a big bucket on your head

and took off with them army boys to fight Martians.

Ain't you dead yet?

Can't I stay with you and fight crime?

I'll see you at the Spookluck dinner.

Give us a kiss.

That's my girl.

I should have come as a wedge of cheese.

I'm probably the only alien for a billion miles.

[ Orson Welles ] Martians visible above treetops moving north.

Hi, Mom

Dad.

Welcome to another thrilling, true-life episode of

Russell Pillsbury, Deputy Sheriff.

I'm parked

by Big Bean's new off-ramp

and will soon be giving the city's first speeding ticket.

Who will be the lucky winner?

[ All screaming ]

We gotta get us some money

or they're gonna kick us out of here.

Then we'll have to live with my sister Marge

and her poodle.

- Arf! - Yeah.

Why did I have to go and get old?

[ Beeping ]

It's 8:15 P.M., October 31st.

I've just been alerted to a speed violation in progress.

Watch now as I teach this automotive scofflaw

a lesson in motor-vehicular responsibility.

Nobody gets away

with going 3,000 M.P.H. in a 55...

[ Gasps ]

Don't s'pose we'll ever see a night quite like that again.

- Not likely. - Nope, nope.

[ Lady ] I'll get the bucket.

[ Crashing ]

Damn.

Termites are munching

on our barn.

We're gonna have to do something before they ruin it.

Come on, Jim.

[ Engine Sputtering ]

Who taught you to drive, you moron!

Nice landing, Blaznee.

Are we there? Is this it?

Kids, 3-D and driving just don't mix.

Weicome to Earth. Enjoy it while it lasts.

Are you sure this is where the fleet is?

You heard the Earthling's pathetic radio broadcast.

"Lookout for that heat ray. Help us. We're gonna die."

They got that right. Hee-hee-hee.

Blaznee, this is the place. We're here.

Let's start enjoying ourselves!

Let's maneuver closer to the action.

Strafe the local citizenry before we land.

Sorry. No can do.

- Why not? - Let's see.

We got a torqued-out digiframus.

Our megaspazz redundancy pile is on the blink.

It looks like we bruised our boo-boo.

He's making the whole last bit up. There's no such thing!

Coward!

Heh-heh-heh.

Let's kick some Earthling butt!

Finally, a real mission.

Maybe we better think this over, huh?

Good-bye, civilian asteroid patrol.

Hello, atomic space navy.

The fleet was supposed to be attacking Arcturus.

The plan to attack Arcturus

was obviously a clever decoy

the total annihilation of all things human.

Now, quit raining on our parade!

But why?

Why would Mars want to attack

the puny, insignificant forces of Earth?

Because we win!

Prepare to die, Earth scum!

- Where is everybody? - Blowing up all the good stuff.

Come on.

I think we brought the wrong gun.

It certainly is green here.

Perhaps our camouflage is inappropriate.

Come on, Jim.

[ Beeping ]

Just for the record

I'm listening.

I thought this was a bad idea.

Just for the record, you'd better hope not.

May, June

July, August

15, 18!

They're Martians!

I knew it!

Jim, it looks as if me and you

is the Earth's only hope.

That's kinda sad, ain't it?

I guess it's better to die

a horrible, agonizing death defending the Earth

than to wither away

with Marge and her poodle.

That's the spirit!

We got work to do.

What do you make of it, Doctor?

It's long, flat and has yellow lines. That can only mean one thing.

- A mine field? - A country road.

That's what they want us to think.

One false move and kaboom!

You'll go home in more pieces than you arrived.

Corporal Pez?

- What? - See if we can get across.

- Why don't we go around? - Move!

I'm going home in a bag!

It's always the corporal that gets blown up first.

Dr. Ziplock, anything in the world-domination kit to help us?

Let's see.

This looks interesting.

- Don't touch that! - Excuse me!

Hit the dirt!

- What? - Get down, stupid!

What in the name of Uncle Martin is that?

Scout-in-a-can. Smart, efficient

easy to use, and it's expendable!

Mine field, indeed! What a bunch of twinkie stuffing!

Lt. Giggywig, you give these simple Earthlings

far too much credit.

Capt. Bipto?

What happened?

Some kind of secret weapon came out of nowhere

and took Capt. Bipto to his doom!

Come back, Earth scum!

Will there be anything else, senor?

Could you get the windshield, please?

It would be my pleasure.

Who are you supposed to be?

I am

El Zorro!

See Kathy sit. See Kathy sit alone.

See Kathy grow cobwebs and fossilize in boredom.

Our first target. Think I can hit it from here?

- Wait a minute. - Let's shoot something already.

Shh.

Wow! That's the best alien costume I've ever seen!

Thanks.

I like yours, too.

My mom made it.

She went to a lot of trouble.

- What are you supposed to be? - I'm a duck!

- Who died and left you in charge? - Capt. Bipto!

I'm Kathy.

Brian Hampton. Nice to meet you.

Where did a nice girl like you

learn how to make something so

mind-numbingly terrifying?

- I spent time with my uncle this summer. - Uh-huh.

- He works in the movies, making zombies and monsters. - Uh-huh.

- I wanted to stay and work for him, - Uh-huh.

- But I had to come here with my dad. - Uh-huh.

Where's your mom?

She died last May.

Gee, I'm sorry.

That's too bad.

So

It's just you and your dad, huh?

Yeah, and some goldfish.

If you ever need a little brother

just give me a call.

[ Woman ] All right, you two, it's time to go.

Come on!

[ Giggles ] How cute!

How lovely.

Vern, hurry it up! I've got a cold beer and a hot woman

and I'm trying to keep 'em that way.

- Mr. Klembecker, fill it up? - Yeah and get the windows.

Warm enough, sweet cheeks?

[ Over radio ] ¶ Darling, come back to me

¶ I'm as lonesome as can be

¶ I'm as jumpy as a bug

¶ I'm as perky as a slug

¶ Honey darling, come back to me

¶ When you left home

¶ I wrote a little poem

Hi, Dody.

¶ But it don't help me 'cause I can't read

¶ Honey darling, come back to me

¶ I'm as lonesome as can be ¶

What are you supposed to be?

Oh, nothing.

Just Zorro.

Zorro's got a hat, you dope!

Mr. Klembecker, looks like you hit something.

Clean that up!

Oh, man!

Get that off of there!

That ain't gonna work!

Here, use this.

When's my Caddy gonna be done?

You can pick it up tomorrow.

Good! It better be clean.

It's clean.

I polished it up like you said to.

Yuck.

That's 13 gallons

at $1.10 a gallon...

- That'll be... - Catch you later, okay, pal?

Yes, Mr. Klembecker

you butthead!

You take the left flank, I'll take the right.

You always get the right flank.

We've never done this before, idiot!

- What's with the happy sounds? - They're giddy with fear.

- Look! - Get back. Lock and load.

- They're shorter than I thought. - Let's take 'em out.

[ Dr. Ziplock ] What if they come in small, medium and large!

- How cute! - Wow, a dinosaur!

You're all alike!

Prepare to die, Earth scum!

Maybe later. Have fun. Huh?

- What? Come back. - Kids, all aboard.

That's something

you don't see every day.

- What now, O mighty leader? - Kill them!

Kill them!

I said, prepare to die, Earth scum!

Oh, now you've got her.

Yep, she's definitely terrified. Oh, boy.

Boys.

Wait a minute.

Atomize her already. What's your problem?

Shouldn't this human be quivering in terror

at our menacing, sinister-looking weaponry?

- You'd think so. - Everybody, move over.

Make room for the...

- Just play along. - What are we?

Martians!

Of course you are. Well, get in.

Perhaps if we ride in this transport

we can find their secret resistance headquarters.

Let's shoot our way out.

- It'll be fun. - Shh. They don't know we're Martians.

Not know?

We're little green men with antennas.

They think we're wearing costumes.

What a bunch of morons!

Let's flame these bozos. They're too stupid to live!

We have a full tank of gas and lots of empty bags.

- What shall we do? - Trick or treat?

- Smell my feet. - Oh, gross!

- Oh, great. - Trick or what?

I'm sick and tired

of that old jerk, Klembecker pushing everyone around. That's it.

I'm gonna finish the plans for this farmzoid.

Someday I'll be able to irrigate every field

and make all the farms healthy again.

Then I'll pick up that farmer's trust of his

and drop-kick it into the next county.

He thinks he's such a hotshot.

This will work, I think.

Heh-heh-heh.

Mr. Klembecker, it looks like...

Dody. Do-o-o-dy.

[ Bell rings ]

Wait! You are my robot slave.

- You will follow my every command. - Yes, Capt. Bipto.

However, my new allegiance

to His Imperial Majesty might come to light

if I neglect my regular patrons.

We must keep up the appearance

of a normally functioning, fuel-dispensing depot

while we act as undercover agents

of Mars.

I will be right back.

Weicome to the Gas King, fuel-dispensing depot.

How may I be of assistance?

Capt. Bipto to the invasion force.

Capt. Bipto to the invasion force.

Hmm?

Oh-oh-oh.

I can't contact the ship or the invasion force.

I can only assume the worst.

We must build an attack vehicle,

something that will strike terror

into whomever sets eyes upon it.

Something with huge wheels

so we can crush the panicking populace.

Something from which I can overlook the battlefield

and direct our victorious invasion force.

Something like this?

I was thinking of something a bit larger.

Those guys are definitely not from here.

- No kidding! Look. - Hey!

I know what I'm getting for Christmas.

- Give him here. - Lighten up.

It's just a stupid toy.

You're not a toy at all, are you?

I hope you're making him move like that.

[ Woman ] All right, first stop.

Everybody got their bags?

Remember, look both ways before crossing the street.

So that's the trick.

If only Capt. Bipto had known.

I wonder what Klembecker's gonna give us this year.

I hope it's not dead rats. My mom had a cow last time.

What?

Trick or treat?

Yeah. I forgot.

Hold on.

Here's one for you.

One for you. Plenty to go around.

Cigarettes?

Okay, forget it!

[ Scatting along to music ]

[ Crashing ]

Hello? Hello?

Well, well, well,

what have we here?

Damn. He must be some kind of

health-food nut.

We're gonna make

a bazillion dollars out of this story

and two bazillion on the pictures.

Damn!

The flash don't work, Jim.

Where are we gonna get batteries

at this time of night?

We gotta hurry.

There's no telling what them

wily space creatures will be up to.

The smell of battery acid makes me thirsty.

With all their advanced technology

look at the pitiful conveyances the puny Earth people construct.

Oh, dear.

This one employs a mere 250 horsepower.

Our attack vehicle will cause their eyes

to shoot out of their heads in fear.

Hurry! Who knows what unspeakable terrors

have befallen my troops?

Wow! What a haul! This is great!

- This kid's gonna barf. - Are you gonna barf?

I think he's gonna barf, Mom.

- Sit down! - If he barfs, your hairdo's history.

Do I know you boys?

They're on to us. We gotta get outta here.

- I'd like an answer. - Have I got an answer!

Perhaps I'll have to remove those heads of yours

and find out for myself.

- How do you fire this? - Not that button.

- Not like that, idiot. - Whoa!

Did you hear that?

Them Martians is starting their attack.

Ah, the carnage begins! I love it!

Hurry, I want to get in on all the fun.

[ Kid ] You jerk!

Don't mess with me, kid. You wouldn't like me when I'm mad.

Where are you really from?

Tell me who you are, or by tomorrow

they'll be printing your pictures on milk cartons!

They're my cousins!

[All ] Excuse me?

- From California. - Dude.

That's Clutch. That's Spinner.

Yo!

- That's Paddlefoot. - Hi.

They're surfers.

Why didn't you say so in the first place, hmm?

Yeah. Hmm?

Well, I'm new here.

I don't really know anyone.

I didn't think they'd be trouble.

No real harm is done.

You're welcome, provided you save

those missile attacks for a more suitable occasion.

Yes, ma'am.

I don't mean to pry, but would you mind

telling me exactly what's going on here?

These guys are from further away than California.

Before you continue, I remind you

that I'm just a little boy and susceptible to nightmares.

Waa!

That's it!

I gave you another chance. Since you can't behave

we'll take everyone home!

What's all this?

Oh, yes. You!

Prepare to die, Earth scum, again!

You've made your point. Now sit down and shut up!

When a superior alien culture

comes all this way to take over your world

certain laws of planetary conquest apply.

For example, when someone points

a quad-spected hyperthermic cosmoblaster at you,

it's a fair bet you are about to become toast.

Please sit down and be quiet.

Perhaps in your case, a loaf of toast!

- Uh-oh. - Get out!

Nice going, big mouth.

- I said, out! - I didn't do anything.

I want you out of my car this minute!

Get out!

I can be pushed

But I will not be smart-talked!

Shut up, you old bat!

I think I see my dad's truck.

You can let me and my friend out.

What truck? I don't see any...

Shh. Come on.

I think that would be best, Miss Hoxley.

Good-bye. Thanks for a lovely evening.

Don't worry about us. We'll be fine out here, all alone

in the dark!

- Hey! - I don't know what's going on

but I've only got half a bag of candy

so it better be good.

- Happy now? - Well, who was the one

who shot his heat-seeking annihilator out the window?

All right. I'll give it to you straight.

We're being invaded by Martians.

I'm gonna follow them. You get my dad.

My sister gets half of whatever's in my bag

so you better be right!

[ Welles ] As I set down these notes on paper,

I'm obsessed by the thought I may be the last living man on Earth.

My God.

I've been hiding in this empty house near Grover's Mill.

All that's happened before the arrival

of these monstrous creatures

Russell?

Where are those guys?

Geez, if I get this bucket fixed before they get back,

they're waking home.

This place gives me the willies.

Nobody gets away from Russell Pillsbury, Deputy Sheriff.

Aw, geez.

Would you mind stepping out of the vehicle, sir?

Now!

Maybe it's in backwards.

You're getting dog spit all over it.

Ha! Atta boy!

Will you stop wasting film?

Gee, Officer, what seems to be the problem?

No license, no registration,

no plates, no headlights,

no taillights, no wheels!

I clocked you going 3,000 miles per hour.

That's 2,945 miles an hour in excess of the posted limit!

Great! There goes my insurance.

At $10 for every 5 miles an hour over the limit

Oh, you're gonna do time, pal.

You may even get the chair for this.

Maybe you better step back

and get the big picture here.

Okay.

I've just made a serious mistake,

haven't I?

Ain't life a bust?

Oof.

Ouch!

Meanwhile, elsewhere on the planet

This is Orson Welles, ladies and gentlemen,

to assure you that the War of the Worlds

has no further significance

than as the holiday offering it was intended to be.

- The Mercury Theatre's radio version... - Huh?

- Of dressing in a sheet and saying "Boo!" - Oh.

We couldn't soap your windows, steal all your garden gates

You have failed.

It's disciplinary review time.

You'll be relieved to learn that we didn't mean it

and both institutions are still open for business.

Good-bye everybody. Remember, please,

the terrible lesson you learned tonight.

That grinning, glowing, globular invader in your living room

is an inhabitant of the pumpkin patch.

If your doorbell rings and nobody's there,

that was no Martian. It's Halloween.

You wanna bet?

I told 'em we were to attack Arcturus.

It's not my fault.

Let's talk this out.

I'll go get them

and we can blow up any planet you want.

- Just give us a chance! - Too late.

Your imperfection has exceeded acceptable error levels.

You are terminated!

No!

Now for the others.

Come on, Jim.

You hear that?

He must be on the other side of that bale.

This time, we're gonna get ourselves

the picture of the century.

Are you ready?

Get set.

Go!

Ahh!

I thought you was a Martian.

What'd you do with him?

He was right here when I left.

He was here when I left, too.

What do you suppose was in there?

That's it!

I'm gonna kill something if it's the last thing I do.

This time, nothing is going to stand

in my way.

Yeah, right.

What now, terrifying one?

Shouldn't we be trying to find the fleet?

Sure, we can do it the easy way

or we can sack this entire area

all by ourselves with a brilliantly conceived,

meticulously executed, and perfectly-timed operation.

We're gonna blow something up.

Yeah, but what?

Sheriff Hoxley's at the V.F.W. Hall.

He'll know what to do.

We're gonna need us more than a sheriff.

- We're gonna need us an army. - They'll never believe us.

They're gonna believe us, all right.

[ Horn honking ]

The Martians is coming!

Oh, oh.

- What's going on? - I'll tell you what.

Big Bean is being invaded by Martians.

What is this stuff?

From space!

Yikes!

You think I'm crazy, do you?

Well, I've got one of'em back here in the truck.

Come on. Take a look at this.

Take a look at what?

He was here.

I swear it.

Look.

- That's his green blood. - That's paint.

He's getting away.

He's going to join his space army.

Space army?

I'd death-ray my grandmother for a space army about now.

- Tell him, Russell. - It's true.

I gave one of'em a ticket.

I'm telling you. It looked

like a full-scale invasion.

I'll tell you what it looks like.

It looks like a hoax to me.

Mr. Wrenchmuller is telling the truth.

Are you insane?

I don't pretend to know everything that's going on

but it's clear to me from evidence I've seen

that we are being visited

by intelligent creatures.

Intelligent creatures? That'll throw 'em off the trail.

I even got pictures. Look here.

That's what they look like.

They look just like the sheriff's nephews.

- My nephews? - Your nephews are Martians?

No, my nephews aren't Martians. I don't even have any nephews.

Their spaceship's in my barn.

- He's a crazy man. - Where'd they get a spaceship?

In California. They're surfers.

Surfers?

That's what your daughter said.

Wait. Where is Kathy?

She got out with your Martian surfer nephews.

Mrs. Vanderspool, do know how stupid that sounds?

They're little?

- That's right. - And green?

Yes!

Little dealy-bobs coming out their head?

Now you're cookin' with gas.

Sounds like Martians to me.

I want everybody to remain calm.

We should do something about this.

Blaznee to world Domination Force.

Not now, Blaznee.

I'm busy sealing the doom of countless millions.

- Shove off. - The device is in place.

They'll never escape us now. Ha, ha!

[ Laughing ]

That's it.

Let the enforcer drone have 'em.

Oops.

Sheriff Hoxley! Sheriff Hoxley!

Hold it, hey! Come back here.

There are Martians over here!

Martians, Martians!

Ahhh!

Ha!

Never mess with a frisbee champion.

Mayday, Mayday, going in.

Dr. Ziplock?

Huh?

Activate the hovervid.

- We should call the National Guard. - Wait. Hold it.

You're going about this all wrong.

There's nothing to indicate we're in danger.

We don't know what we're dealing with

or even where they are!

[ Giggywig ] We interrupt to bring you a special announcement.

The Martians have landed.

Prepare to die, Earth scum.

All right, where's your spaceship?

What's a spaceship?

And what are you?

I'm a carnivorous duck and I'm in a bad mood.

Start talking or I start eating!

Oh, oh, you mean my spaceship.

I get your drift now. I can lead you right to it.

Come on.

Some alien menace you turned out to be!

- Capt. Bipto? - Hmm?

- I'm picking up a signal from the omniblab. - Oh?

On behalf of His Majesty's Atomic Space Navy

I hereby invite you to surrender peacefully

so that we may execute you in an orderly fashion.

Just in case you're thinking of fleeing in mass panic,

forget it! We're cutting off your only means of escape.

Brilliant! I would give anything

to see the faces of those human scum now!

The off-ramp.

They blew up

our new off-ramp!

Watch as we obliterate a few of your puny missile silos.

Hey they're at the co-op!

Let's get 'em!

Wait, wait, I saw 'em first.

Wait a minute.

I've got pictures.

Terrifying, isn't it?

I've got pictures of'em.

Hurry up. Everyone's watching.

He keeps trying to put tab A into slot B.

I am not. It says right here,

"Insert erradignathnic flodad into hyperpodnec cyboclutch." See?

Ah, hi.

You gonna turn me in?

Don't you want to take over the world, too?

We're ready!

Fire!

Ooo!

Pretty neat, huh?

This isn't supposed to happen in small towns.

I moved here to get away from things like this.

This happen a lot in Chicago?

This is what planetary siege weapons are all about.

[ Laughing ]

Wait a minute. Cease fire.

Something's wrong.

Wrong?

What?

- It's been booby-trapped. - And we're the boobies.

[ Scream ]

Ha, ha!

Another big one!

[ Giggywig ] What is this stuff?

It's the most insidious weapon I've ever seen!

[ Pez Munching ] Hey, it doesn't taste bad.

[ Giggywig ] How do we get out of here?

[ Pez ] Follow me!

[ Munching ]

Boy, you guys are in big trouble now.

We gotta get out of here fast.

Hey! It's a map of Big Bean.

That's my house.

This is where we are now.

Show me where your ship landed.

That's old man Wrenchmuller's.

I know where that is.

Come on.

There's one. Shoot it you idiot!

[ Gun Shot ]

Never mind. Shoot that instead.

[ Gun Shots ]

Are we all having fun yet?

- Yahoo. - What a disaster.

Is this some kind of trick?

Look, kid

you helped me out of a jam so I'll level with you.

I don't know anything about this invasion thing.

If you help me, I'll do my best to try and stop it.

Deal?

Deal.

This is it! We're here!

Where are the craters and flaming buildings?

This is where the Battle took place.

We're lost! We missed the war and it's your fault.

- My fault? - Maybe if we just ask somebody?

My one chance at the big time and you've ruined it.

- Shut up! - This gentleman, perhaps?

- Excuse me. - Oh!

- You scared me. - So sorry.

No, that's good. We're getting somewhere.

- Which way to the massacre? - The what?

Oh, you mean the... Ha, ha.

I'm sorry, boys, but it's over.

- Huh? - Over?

I'm afraid so.

It's a shame you missed the ending. That's the best part.

How so?

You see,

just when it seemed

the Earth was doomed to be taken over,

the Martians just up and died.

Really? What happened to all their bodies?

The birds got 'em, mostly.

Pecking and tearing, swallowing mouthfuls

of rubbery flesh!

And the dogs had their turn at them!

Fighting over scraps and gnawing on their little skeletons.

And just how did they die?

Our germs got 'em.

- Germs? - Yeah. Little microbes

like the ones that gave me this damn cold.

[ Sneezes ]

- Have a good time, boys. - I've got germs!

Aah! Don't touch me!

I don't mean to be nosy

but was there any particular reason

you guys decided to invade Earth?

- Promise you won't laugh? - Sure!

Ever hear of the War of the Worlds?

Guys, guys?

Get a load of this!

[ Laughing ]

Where do we go? What do we do?

- Where do we hide? - Back to the ship.

Back to the asteroids.

I love the asteroids!

Nice, quiet, old asteroid patrol.

- That's the life for me. - Are you kidding?

We'll never make it with the enemy firepower out there.

Luckily I remembered to bring my Distress-o-matic.

I love this guy! Come here, you old...

[ Buzzing ]

Aw, no! Not now.

It's not ready.

What's not ready?

The ship. A vacuum-head pulled a Distress-o-matic.

- A what? - Emergency beacon autopilot.

The ship's programmed to fly to it no matter what.

Verndroid, where did you put the...

[ Buzzing ]

That's a Distress-o-matic signal.

My boys are in trouble.

Verndroid, there's not a moment to lose!

What?

No, it's this way.

Wait!

A farmer's all-purpose helper.

It's guaranteed to remove stumps,

gophers, and drastically reduce

the flight potential of Martian spaceships.

Jim, you stay there.

I'll be right back.

I've got to rig an override before the engine charges.

- What do you want me to do? - Run for your life!

Run for your life, boy!

Oh!

Abandon ship, shorty.

Abandon it? I've just fixed it.

Too bad 'cause I'm about to un-fix it.

What's going on?

- What are you doing? - Canceling your ticket home.

Folks would give money to get their hands on you.

I'm the one that's gonna get it!

I guess you better evacuate the premises.

Let me shut the engines off with this little red switch.

Get out of here, kid!

Whoa! Come on, Jim. We're outta here.

Wait. Hold it!

Wait a minute.

Now we're really outta here!

[ Screams ]

Forgive me, mother.

I have to throw away my fins.

I'll make it up to you someday,

somehow!

Whoa!

Listen.

What's that?

It can't be any worse than that.

Whoa!

Duck. Duck!

No! Duck!

Wait!

Hold it right there. Are you a Martian?

I'm a duck!

If you're a duck, where are your webbed feet?

Snap out of it.

The Martians, they went that way.

I said whoa!

When I say whoa, I mean whoa!

Come on. We gotta get off this crazy rock.

I guess this is good-bye.

[ Yelling ]

Don't take it so hard.

Aaah!

What about me?

Knock it off. I'm busy!

Waaa!

- The ship, the ship! - All right. Let's boogie!

Activate defense shields.

The humans are coming!

The humans are coming!

Blaznee, get us out of here.

No can do. Thanks to your stupid Distress-o-matic,

we tweaked our vapor plates.

Our megaspazz redundancy pile has been fried.

I had to kill the autopilot.

I don't care. Fix all of it.

All of you, fix it, fix it.

Who's that?

[ Dr. Ziplock ] Clean out the erradicamixer and unscrew the clutch fader.

Are you crazy? You know how bad that's gonna smell?

Hand me a plasma coupler.

[ Dr. Ziplock ] Who cares what is smells like!

Come on, already.

Stand by for takeoff.

That must be our boys wreaking havoc over there.

Thank you.

I shall wait in the transport.

Good. You do that.

He's such a good boy.

[ Gun Shots ]

Come on. What's taking so long?

Enter the N-38 to the 6th power. Now we cross-link

the improbalator to the smalltersnatch.

My men!

[ Yelling ]

- Oh. - I must say, I'm impressed,

a brilliant victory brought about by your will to win.

- Here we go. - Let's get 'em!

What the heck is that thing?

Who cares? Just shoot it.

We did win, didn't we?

No, but if we think fast enough

we just might live to lie about it.

What's the problem? Just vaporize

everyone, everything.

Poof! Mission accomplished.

Medals, awards, a parade. Next?

No, wrong, false, none of the above.

- Why? Because we're not supposed to be here. - What?

We goofed. We erred.

We misinterpreted the data at hand.

I told you so.

Let me explain the situation in a nutshell.

There are 5 of us and 4 billon of them.

They have strategic air commands, nuclear-powered submarines

and John Wayne.

We have this.

- Is it loaded? - Let's find out.

Wait! We've got bigger problems.

- What's worse than this? - That.

Who let him out?

Martians I'm afraid we have no choice.

We will have to use the D.O.D.

Break out the kits.

What's the D.O.D?

What does it do?

You can't! If you let your friends blow up the Earth

I'll never speak to you again.

Hold your fire.

Hold your fire!

Put your guns down.

What the heck is that?

Citizens of Earth, surrender or die.

Why should we? We've got you surrounded.

Take it easy, Klembecker.

If you don't surrender, or attempt to kill us

this device will detonate, and you, your town

and everything within a million mile radius

will just simply go

kaboom!

Wow!

You'll be killed, too!

Wrong! This, you see,

is the donut of destruction!

It will obliterate all of you

while leaving us completely unscathed.

Yeah? What about your ship?

Won't it be obliterated, too?

- We're doomed! - Let's let 'em have it!

Gimme that. Prepare to die, Earth scum.

You did it again.

You put tab '"A" into slot "B".

- I must've told you a hundred times! - No, I didn't!

- It wasn't me. - You want to argue or live?

Get 'em!

Are you all right?

- I can't move. My whole body's asleep. - I'll get help.

Hey, somebody help. Hurry!

Kathy?

Kathy! I've been looking all over for you.

What the heck is that?

You're alive!

"Prepare to die, Earth scum."

I'll make sure they carve that on your tombstone.

Aw, shut up.

They was all I needed to save my farm and I almost had 'em.

I could have been rich and never had to worry.

It's gonna be all right. I'll take you to my place.

They landed on my farm. That counts for something.

- Sure it does. - Verndroid to Capt. Bipto.

Capt. Bipto, come in, please.

[ Russell ] There's something wrong with my brother.

- Vern's your brother? - Capt. Bipto, come in, please!

- He used to be. - Vern, are you all right?

It must be shock.

I'll take him to my place.

I'll take care of your truck.

Keep an eye on that until I get back.

Listen, Russell is the sheriff now.

Listen to what he says.

[ Russell ] All right, let's get organized.

Are you all right?

Yes.

You have a good explanation as to what you were doing

riding in an alien spacecraft?

Nice knowing you.

What have we here?

Martians got popcorn?

Here you go.

It'll be all right.

[Kathy] What are we gonna do?

You're going to bed.

- What are you gonna do? - I don't know.

I'll call the air force, I guess.

You can't. They hate Martians.

They'll shoot and drop nuclear bombs.

I don't know about bombs but they deserve whatever they get. Now come on.

But, Dad, they're not really bad.

They're just stupid.

They haven't really hurt anybody.

If we help them get away

no one will ever know the difference.

Honey, I'm supposed to be the sheriff.

If I don't get help to control this

and it gets more out of hand

it'll be my fault.

I might as well throw away this badge.

That's all you care about, your stupid badge.

If you want to be a big, important sheriff,

why don't you do things yourself?

At least they have a chance with you.

What are we going to do now?

Looks like we'll have to apply for citizenship.

If only we could have connected with the invasion force.

It could have been glorious!

If we ever get out, remind me.

I've got a real funny story to tell you.

We're doomed to spend our lives

breathing 74% nitrogen.

¶ Oh, give me a home

¶ Where the asteroids roam

¶ And the dweebs and the fuzzymugs play

¶ Where gravity's low

¶ and the water is slow

¶ And the desert winds blow you away

¶ Mars, Mars is my home

¶ Where everyone's short just like me

¶ I wish I was where

¶ There is not so much air

¶ And two moons to smile down upon me ¶

Hey, what are you doing here?

There's no place like home.

There's no place like home.

There's no place like home.

Hey, shortstuff, welcome back.

We're trying to figure out how to get outta here.

Got any bright ideas?

Well, bless your little batteries.

Number for the Strategic Air Command, please.

What extension, please?

Do you have a listing for reporting unusual phenomena?

- A U.F.O.? - That'll do.

There's no such listing.

I do have unlimited listings for psychiatrists.

Wait, lady, I don't need to hear this.

Oh, no.

Kathy?

Kathy?

Kathy?

[ Kathy ] You melonheads!

That was just an old radio show.

I figured out why you're here.

You were sent to ruin my Halloween, weren't you?

Capt. Bipto to Verndroid. Come in, please.

Capt. Bipto to Verndroid!

Yes, Capt. Bipto?

Remember the surprise we were working on?

The time has come

to unleash its terror!

Would you like it equipped with nuclear warheads or particle beam weapons?

Who me?

Whatever. Be creative. We'll meet you there.

- Well? - Let's do it.

[ Beeping ]

- Aw! - What's wrong?

The hyperfusion-feedback governor on the ship

just had a meltdown.

If we don't get back to zero gravity

in the next, oh, hour,

the ship's hyperdrive will implode

creating an ever-expanding hole

in the space-time continuum.

Making you, me, and the rest of this galaxy

some other universe's problem. Right?

Close enough.

[ Giggywig ] We look stupid, don't we?

Keep your head down. Maybe no one will see us.

I don't see why I have to pedal.

Nobody rides for free.

What's he doing?

It's my dad!

- Did he spot us? - I don't think so.

[ Klembecker ] Outta the way. Shotgun coming through.

We need more ammo.

- Did you get them? - We almost got 'em.

- Mr. Klembecker shot a bunny. - Shut up!

- It was charging! - Let's stay cool.

I don't want anybody to get hurt.

We're trapped. What are we gonna do?

Die horrible, searing deaths in less than an hour.

Can we help?

[ Vern ] No, I'm fine.

A little more ocular welding and we'll be set.

What the heck is that?

It's a diversion. We're gonna get the ship back.

You better not try to stop us!

If you get through me, you'll have to deal with him.

Relax, kid, I've just come to help.

I already got a whole bunch of pictures.

If I help them get away, I'll have the only ones.

Gentlemen, I present

the farmzoid.

- All right. - Hurry, hurry!

Now that's a diversion!

We can't wait.

We have to chance it.

I told you to go to bed!

Take me to your secret government labs, and cut me into wafer-thin sections.

They want to go home. They've made a mistake.

And they're sorry. Aren't you?

And getting sorrier by the minute.

The ship's gonna blow up

and destroy the Earth in 15 minutes!

Really, Dad.

Hey, it's your planet.

Just for the sake of argument,

how are you planning on getting out?

There's a few things I haven't tried yet.

They're risky, but better than death.

Probably.

We worked really hard on creating this big diversion.

A diversion?

What kind of a diversion?

What the heck is that?

Uh, that diversion.

I gotta admit. That's a diversion.

I don't care what the heck that thing is.

Adios.

Hey, Klembecker?

Laugh now, butthead!

I'll drive.

Hey?

Mayday, Mayday.

Look, you guys caused a lot of damage here.

You're gonna have to make restitution somehow.

If you promise me that, then I'll help you.

Promise me that you can hit that blinking red light

in the next 10 seconds

or we're gonna need help from a higher source.

Hang on.

Aaah!

- Which red button? - That one.

Not that one!

Mayday. Somebody answer me.

Capt. Bipto, what's wrong?

We've got problems. We'll need a miracle

to get this baby off the ground, much less outer space.

Can you tip that contraption up on its butt?

If the vertical orientation struts are functioning.

I think I've got you covered

but we have to get back to the farm.

- Tell them to meet us there. - Right.

Meet at the Wrenchmuller farm.

Bipto out.

Hey, where do you guys grow your Wrenchmullers?

There must be something we can use.

You can't just take a car.

It's all right, kid.

I know this guy.

Vern, you come down right now, hear?

Shoot, my helpless friends, shoot!

Fire everything you've got.

The farmzoid is impervious.

That's it. Mom's gonna hear about this!

- Make a left. - Left?

- Left? - Right. I mean, yes.

Come back, you cowards. Come back here!

It's just a big toy robot.

If I win, the whole tank wins

not just one guy.

Aaah!

[ Laughs ]

In case anybody's interested

we have 12 minutes until the end of the world.

Put this puppy into hyperdrive!

Maybe I better take a shortcut.

Listen, I'd like to live to see

the end of the world!

Okay?

There's the farm.

Whoa!

I'm telling you, that ship has got

the flight potential of a cement truck.

I can fix that.

What's that?

That's a farmer's all-purpose helper.

It's guaranteed to remove stumps, gophers,

and improve the flight potential of a Martian spaceship.

- Get outta here. - Help yourselves.

Wait up. This I gotta see.

This is your captain speaking.

I'd like to thank you for flying Air Blaznee.

I hope we live long enough to do this again sometime.

Come on. You're not gonna believe this!

- Bypass the ecto-thruster. - Guys, wait a minute.

That's the guy who wants to blow us up.

Flight One to Mars now boarding.

What are you gonna do with this?

Sheriff, ain't you ever put

a cherry bomb under a garbage can?

- Ha-ha-ha. - A what?

Don't you guys ever listen?

- Anybody seen my astroplans? - Who took the torus calibrator?

Listen to me.

Blaznee, we'll fix that later. Prepare to launch.

- This isn't gonna work. - Don't worry.

Our Earth friends are gonna give us an extra boost.

That guy wants to boost his bank account.

He's trying to blow up the ship.

Assume vertical launch position.

Verndroid, this is Capt. Bipto.

Are you receiving me?

- Verndroid, come in, please. - Yes, Capt. Bipto.

How may I be of assistance?

Your assignment is complete, Verndroid.

Your bravery and devotion have saved us all.

I am so proud of you, son.

You are no longer my robot slave.

Live and be free!

Thank you, Capt. Bipto.

It has been a pleasure serving you.

Now

I must bid you adieu.

There's much work to be done.

You see, I have plans for this world,

big plans!

Verndroid away!

Mm-hmm.

NASA spends years calculating fuel loads,

launch pressures, and orbital-window dynamics.

You're just gonna stuff dynamite under this and light the fuse?

Actually,

I was gonna use this.

Kids, get behind that tractor.

This is supposed to save us from the end of the world?

Now, before we go

does anyone need to go to the bathroom?

Is this really gonna work? If it's not

we ought to figure out how to defuse that nuclear cosmos-whatever it is.

You know how?

No.

Then move out, or this is gonna solve everyone's problem,

one way or another.

Hey, I'm not going home in a bag!

I made it! I'm never gonna do this again.

Same here.

Oh!

Red alert. Run for your lives!

Leave them alone.

- Kathy, get back. - They want to go home.

Impossible. They have failed in their mission.

If you kill them now, the gravity hyperfusion

pheto-cuisinart will blow up in

5 minutes or so.

The Earth will implode and throw Mars out of orbit

and it'll go crashing into the sun.

That would be a blemish on the old perfection record.

And expensive.

What if they took it out of your paycheck? Whoa!

What's a planet cost these days?

4 minutes, 30 seconds.

Very well.

Return to your spacecraft.

Every Pez for himself!

Blaznee, you'll have exactly 6.38621 seconds

to fire the main engine to reach escape velocity.

Never tell me the decimal points.

I'm gonna grow up to be 5'7, 5'8 easy.

You're full grown.

I'm animal. You're polypropylene.

Besides

they really need you.

We can write

or something.

Geez, you're breaking my heart.

Here.

Come on, shortstuff, before they check for green cards.

Hey, the next time you guys visit

pay closer attention to our traffic laws.

Next time we visit? Yeech!

Well, thanks for not killing them, Mr. Enforcer Drone.

Sorry to interrupt. 3 minutes!

You misunderstood. Once we reach

the cold, airless depths of outer space,

I shall incinerate them

and toss their charred, sizzling skeletons into the cosmos.

Huh? Say what?

A quick vacuuming, a little air freshener

and will have completed my duties with perfection.

What?

You can't do that!

Better them than us.

I beg your pardon?

I thought you were nice, but I was wrong.

You're just a selfish old man.

They caused more trouble than they was worth.

If it hadn't been for you,

things might have gotten further out of hand.

Somebody might even have gotten killed.

I'd say that makes you a hero in both our planets.

As the ambassador of the planet Earth

I would like to present you with an award

as a token of our appreciation.

The trinitrotoluene award.

Kids, run and get the champagne

so we can do this up proper.

I accept in the name of goodwill, with hope

for peaceful coexistence of our two worlds.

It certainly isn't much to look at, is it?

Let me light it up for you so you can get the full effect.

How pretty!

How'd you like to have a photo

so you can remember this?

Yes, please.

Let me back up a bit so I can get the whole ship into it.

Are you sure there's enough light?

- Oh, there's gonna be plenty of light. - I'm so proud.

I don't know what to say.

You can just say your prayers.

- What the... - Why aren't we moving?

Great. We're stuck here.

I guess he left.

What happened?

It's okay. Mr. Wrenchmuller blew up the enforcer drone.

- Hooray for our side! - Time to go.

- Take care of yourselves. - Break it up.

There's billions of lives at stake.

Move!

Don't need to tell me twice.

Prepare for takeoff.

- Start the countdown. - Five

- Wait a minute. - Four

- three, two... - I'm not in my seat.

One!

You blew them up!

Yeah, way up!

- Go, go, go! - Yeah!

[ Cheering ]

Whoa!

That's it. I Quit!

Do something! You're the pilot.

How 'bout if I eject?

Lighten the load.

- Hurry it up, Pez. - I'm lightening!

We're too heavy. Something else must go.

We've dumped everything we can dump.

- Except - Hit it, Giggy.

- Yeah! - Yea!

You know, the last time I put a cherry bomb under a garbage can

the garbage can didn't make it.

I guess somebody up there likes you.

They just got lucky.

When you see my dog,

tell him we're moving tomorrow.

Good morning, Mr. Wrenchmuller.

The judge send you to come and throw me off?

No,

but I'm afraid this is legal.

It's wrong, but it's legal.

I was bringing somebody I thought you'd want to see.

Him? What do I want to see him for?

Not him. Him.

Aw, Jim, Jim.

Jim, boy.

That's all very touching.

As you can see, I've got things to do.

Unless you've got the cash or a crop to sign over,

I suggest you hand over those keys.

Hold it, Jim. Jim!

He ain't worth your breath!

You want these keys, do you?

Ha, ha, ha.

Go get 'em!

I'm sorry that it has to be this way.

You wanna hear something funny?

Sure.

You're gonna hear it right about

now.

Aaah!

Aw!

I'll be back!

We're only a few hours behind schedule.

I was just thinking, if we hurry

we might make it to Arcturus in time to help torture prisoners.

[ All ] Aw, shut up!

¶ Last Halloween I had a fright

¶ In all my life saw the strangest sight

¶ Never did think I might

¶ Ever live to tell what I saw that night

¶ Martians are taking over the world

¶ Martians are taking over the world

¶ Martians are taking over the world

¶ Martians are taking over the world

¶ They were green men

¶ With strange lips

¶ And bad skin and a weird chin

¶ I almost died when he grabbed my head

¶ The little green guy just smiled and said

¶ "Take me to your leader. Take me to your leader now!"

¶ Martians are taking over the world

¶ Martians are taking over the world

¶ Martians are taking over the world

¶ Martians are taking over the world

¶ Martians are taking over the world

¶ Martians are taking over the world

¶ Martians are taking over the world

¶ Martians are taking over the world

¶ Martians are taking

¶ Over the world

¶ The Martians have landed.

¶ The Martians are coming! The Martians are coming!

¶ The Martians are coming! Ha-ha-ha!

¶ Wo-o-wo-o-wo wo-o-wo-o-wo

¶ The Martians have landed.

¶ What a world how it changed my life

¶ I got a green girl

¶ Made her my new wife

¶ Gotta green house and I think maybe

¶ Early next year I get a shiny green baby

¶ Martians are taking over the world

¶ Martians are taking over the world

¶ Martians are taking over the world

¶ Martians are taking over the world

¶ I dig it

¶ Martians are taking over the world

¶ Martians are taking over the world

¶ Wo-o-wo-o-wo wo-o-wo-o-wo

¶ Martians are taking over the world ¶