All language subtitles for Schooled.S01E09.HDTV.x264-SVA

The '90s had a lot of great movies,

but the biggest of them all
was part of a phenomenon

that spanned decades...

"Star Wars Episode I:
The Phantom Menace".

It was the first new "Star Wars" movie

in these kids' entire lives.

The "Star Wars" club was ready for it,

and it wasn't just the students.

It's here.

After 16 agonizing years,

George Lucas will once again
bestow his genius upon us!

God only knows the things
in store he has planned.

I heard Jackie Chan
is gonna play Boba Fett.

I heard Chewbacca talks in English!

I heard the Ewoks grow
into the Wookiees.

Guys, I don't wanna hang too
much on a single motion picture,

but when this club goes
to opening night,

it will be the most
transformative experience

of our collective lives.

Screw my bar mitzvah!

Tonight, I become a man!

Let's go, people!

To Jedi Academy!

"You can't win, Darth.

If you strike me down,
I shall become more powerful

than you can possibly imagine."

Attention, non-athletes!

Time to take your glowing
wizard wands and scoot!

Okay, they're lightsabers,

and we signed out the gym
for Star Wars Club.

And as fun as
make-em-up-pretend-time looks,

my actual athletes need the space,

so I'm afraid you gotta clear out.

Cut me some slack, all right?

- We're gearing up for "Star Wars".
- "Star Wars"?

Is that the one with the
pointy-eared know-it-all

- with the bowl cut?
- No, that's Spock in "Star Trek".

- This is "Star Wars".
- Is that the one where the little guy

- pops out of the big guy's chest?
- That's "Alien".

- Is it the one with E.T.?
- No, that's "E.T."!

- It's in the title.
- I like E.T.

He gets drunk and puts on a wig.

"Star Wars" is about
a group of ragtag underdogs

that stand up to the Empire,

and just like those underdogs,

we will not... be... thrown...

Okay. Wow.

Your team's carrying out
my club like rag dolls.

Clear 'em out, boys!

♪ One of these days,
you're gonna get outta here ♪

♪ Live your life and finally be free ♪

♪ Go where you wanna go,
do what you wanna do ♪

♪ Someday, you will say
"Those were the days" ♪

It was March 20th, 1990-something,

and Principal Glascott
was teaching Driver's Ed,

the first class his niece,
Felicia, ever cared about

because it meant freedom.

Okay, road warriors, here's a toughie.

Which way do you turn your
wheels when parked uphill?

- Away from the curb.
- Right.

Exactly how far from the curb should...

- 18 inches!
- Yes. Thank you.

What speed...

25 in a school zone
unless otherwise posted!

I gotta say, it's scary when
you really apply yourself.

Why would I apply myself in
those other dumb classes?

Who needs math, am I right?

Do not return that high-five.

That's the bell!

Time for my supervised road time
with my instructor!

Okay, pump your brakes, Thelma & Louise.

You'll get your time behind the wheel.

Sorry, I'm just so excited.

And thanks for not making this weird,

you being my uncle and all.

Hey, in this class, I am not your uncle.

I'm your teacher.

And I promise to treat you

in a fair and reasonable manner.

Okay. Fail. You fail.

Get outta the car
because of your failure.

- What?! Why?!
- You didn't triple check your mirrors,

your hands were at 10 and 3,

and you almost hit a pedestrian!

Who?! I barely moved.

Our school's esteemed custodian!

I-what-now?!

Nothing, Johnny Atkins!

I'm so far, I can't hear you!

You want me to come over there?!

No! Nothing! You're fine!

He is lucky to be alive.

Sorry, but there is no way I'm
letting you pass this class.

Bye-bye now.

You said you were my teacher,
not my uncle!

Yeah, well, I gave it some thought,

and I decided to be both.

You are abusing your vast
Driver's Ed powers

- to hold me back!
- Correct.

- You don't trust me at all.
- I'm glad we're in agreement on this.

What have I possibly done
to deserve this?

Well, let's see, you lie,

you use salty language, you miss curfew.

It's not right!

You know what's not right?

You always acting like
my dad when you're not!

Okay, that's enough, young lady.

Mark my words,
I will find a way to drive,

and when I do, I'll make a
hundred times the bad decisions.

Yeah? Well, good luck getting
around on the city bus.

Gotta say, you really
are a great principal

but a lousy father figure.

- Excuse me?
- I was Felicia, okay?

I was raised by a neurotic,
overprotective dad,

which made me rebel hard.

Is this supposed to be helping?

No, but I will help 'cause
watching you and Felicia fight

day in and day out is very unpleasant.

Well, I appreciate the offer,
but I don't need any help.

I can handle her.

Attention William Penn!

Did you know our high school principal's

middle name is Laverne?

Oh, no.

It's gender neutral!

I'm here when you need me... Laverne.

CB, my man! Need a quick favor!

No, I'm done helping you.

Wait, is this because
I took the gym away

- from your Star Battle boys?
- Yes.

And just so you know, everybody
is on my side about that

because "Star Wars" is literally
the most popular thing

out of anything ever.

- With who?
- Everybody!

- Coop!
- Huh?

You excited about the new
"Star Wars" movie?

Oh, hells yeah!

I heard they're gonna make
Samuel L. Jackson a Jedi!

He gonna be like,
"These are not the [bleep]

you are looking for!"

My point is made.
Everybody loves "Star Wars".

See, we're not the problem.

It's you for being a complete
and utter cliché.

Hey, my entire career,
I have prided myself

on not being a typical
meathead gym teacher.

- Seriously?
- Yes!

I've always been open
to new and strange ideas

that upset the delicate balance
of a-an athlete's

rightful place at the top
of the social pyramid.

And you undid all your hard work
by ruining the one thing

that brought these kids together.

Damn it, you're right.

- Wait, what?
- A man gets to be wrong once

in his life, and this here is it.

Obviously, I was wrong
about your Space Wars,

so it's time for you to coach Coach.

Well, you could come to the
premiere with us, sit back,

and let "The Phantom Menace"
show you how awesome

- "Star Wars" can be.
- Uh-huh.

And what happens when I'm not into it?

Look, I am so certain that this
movie will change your life

that if it isn't transcendent
on every level,

I will publicly announce that
"Star Wars" is just a film

and not a way of life.

Wow, I was just hoping
you'd pay me back for my ticket,

- but... let's roll.
- Yeah!

As Coach was gearing up to
see the new "Star Wars",

Glascott was still trying
to put the brakes

on his clever and rebellious niece.

Felicia, we need to have
a conversation right now, missy.

Whatever seems to be the
problem, Principal Glascott?

It's come to my attention
that you joined

the Alcohol Task Force.

Well, you say you want me to be
more involved in school, right?

Oh, so you joining has nothing
to do with the fact

that they have designated
drivers at all times,

offering free rides on the weekends?

Do they? Huh.

Seems like someone could use that

as their own personal taxi service.

I think she's saying it that way

'cause that's what she did all weekend.

- Whose side are you on, Gabe?
- Enough.

You can't take advantage of
well-intentioned goobs

like Gabe!

- Nothing personal.
- Oh, it's fine.

I just like spending time
with your niece, sir.

Hey, I told you I'd figure out
a way to get around

without a license.

I'll see you Friday through
Saturday, pal.

This time, can I at least come
into the parties with you?

Sorry, they're a little exclusive.

Okay, you were right.

Everything that I do with
Felicia goes horribly wrong.

- What do I do?
- Listen, I can help you,

but I don't think you have
what it takes to stomach it.

I can take it. Hit me.

You're no longer living in the world

of the rational-thinking adult.

You're now living in the upside-down,

crazy brain of the teenage girl.

If there's one thing I know,
it's this, 'cause I lived it.

All right, then.
Teach me your horrible ways.

First, you need to let me help
Felicia get her license.

God, no!

Oh, God, no.

Why, God?!

You seem to not be ready.

No, I'm ready for it. Lay it on me.

Back in the day, all I wanted
was for my dad to trust me.

If he'd had a little faith in me
to make my own mistakes,

I wouldn't have fought
so hard against him.

Who knows, we could've even been pals.

That's what I want!

Okay, what happens after
she gets her license?

You give her that trust
she so desperately needs,

and let her borrow your car
when she asks you.

God, no!

Never! Ever!

Oh, my God! And ooh, why?!

Okay. Let's do it.

As I was ready to take
the wheel with Felicia,

Coach was about to get a crash-course

in the ways of the Force.

Well, I gotta admit,
pretty electric in here.

Feels like Game 7 of the World Series.

But imagine waiting 16 years
between games.

And now, the wait is over.

Hang on, Rick Mellor.

Your life as you know it
is about to change.

"Turmoil has engulfed
the Galactic Republic.

The taxation of trade routes
to outlying systems..."

Whoa!

Ooh!

This is the best thing ever.

That was the best thing ever!

- Yes!
- I know!

So cool!

- It was fine.
- Podracing...

That was the best scene
in any "Star Wars" movie.

- For sure!
- Epic.

- Podracing!
- Felt a little long.

Darth Maul with his devil face

and the double-sided lightsaber?

- So dope.
- Bad ass.

Better than Vader!

He had like one line.

I'm sorry, you're mumbling
a bunch of stuff.

Do you have some kind of a problem?

I mean...

Did you not love the movie?!

I don't know, the whole thing was about

a trade blockade and Senate votes.

- Oh.
- Kinda true.

I was confused.

But still! This is "Star Wars"!

With Yoda and lightsabers and the Force!

- Genius!
- So awesome.

- So cool!
- Yeah, about that.

You said the Force was some
unexplainable, mystical power,

but, you know, the movie said

you can take a blood test
to see if you got it.

He's right.

- Not great.
- I was confused!

Forget about the upsetting
midi-chlorians, all right.

This movie had everything.

I mean, even Anakin Skywalker.

- The kid saved the day!
- Did he?

Because if you think about it,
he accidentally

fell into a spaceship, then accidentally

flew it into the bad guy's headquarters

and then accidentally blew 'em all up.

- He's right.
- Oh, man...

I feel sad.

You just don't get the movie

'cause you haven't seen
any of the other ones.

But I thought you said this one
happens before the other ones.

This is "Star Wars", bro!

This is not about one movie.

This is about the fandom
and the family and the Force.

You mean the midi-chlorians?

Midi-what?

Nothing. Just go watch the movie.

- You're gonna love it.
- Hang on to your receipt, puppet man.

No need.

In fact, we bought tickets
to go see it again, so...

You can give my ticket to one of
these guys in a bathrobe.

And when you're ready to admit
the truth, I will be waiting.

Well, you're gonna be
waiting for a long time

because these movies are perfect,

and nobody can ever take that away.

So, let's go, kids! Whoo!

Damn it.

Mellor just ruined "Star Wars".

Glascott hoped to form
a relationship of trust

with his niece, so he turned to
me to teach Felicia to drive.

I don't know how you convinced
my uncle to let me drive,

but as far as I'm concerned,
you're a hero.

All I did was show him

- you're worthy of his trust.
- Totally.

I mean, I would've killed
to have my father

- trust me like this when I was your age.
- You're right.

I mean, I love the guy more
than ever, and you did that.

Well, I don't want to take full credit,

but yeah, I'm the best.

Oh, there's a spot.

Do a three-point turn, and let's try

- some parallel parking.
- I got this.

What the hell was that?!

Uh... nothing?

You know how to drive already?

Only for... three years.

- What?!
- It's not my fault.

Salt-N-Pepa played the Spectrum
when I was in eighth grade,

and I had to figure out
somehow to get there

behind my mom's back.

That story is completely your fault!

Dude, don't make me regret
getting your uncle to trust you!

Look, I give you my word
I won't turn his trust

into a massive amount of misbehavior.

You said that in a way that sounds like

that's exactly what you're gonna do.

No, nuh-uh, not me.

Also, how long does it take
to drive to Florida?

I've made a terrible mistake.

Heyyyyyyyyy... there he is.

Hey, there she is.

The lady that made me
the best uncle in the world.

Yeah, I heard you guys
are like besties now.

Best besties.

We celebrated her new license

by making drop cookies
and talking about boys.

We agree...
Many of them are so immature.

Honestly, thank you for everything.

No! No need to thank me.

Come on, we both know
this is all your doing.

Look at that strange smile.

So happy and kinda queasy.

What's going on with your face?

She's lying to you!

Your niece is a typical,
horrible teenage monster!

You cannot let her drive!

- What?!
- I was wrong about the trust.

But what about the drop cookies?

The drop cookies were a trap!

But I gave the girl my car.

Are you nuts?!

Why would you do that?!

Because you told me to!

Let me guess, she's going
to the public library

- to study, right?
- How did you know that?

'Cause she's lying to you, John!

She's been driving for
three years, and she's good.

I mean, she's like Tom Cruise
in "Days of Thunder" good.

Cole Trickle?! Oh, no.

He was reckless on and off the track!

We gotta go find her
and stop her from doing

whatever terrible and dangerous
thing I used to do.

Right. To the weird Driver's Ed mobile!

Move! Move!

Bam!

Proof that "Phantom Menace" is great.

- What's all this?
- The first reviews came in

this morning, and they're all raves.

We've got "New York Times,"
"Chicago Tribune,"

"The Post"... even Roger Ebert
gave it two huge thumbs up.

Eh, just like you,
they're all in the glow.

- Glow? What glow?
- The glow of something

they remember being awesome,

which clearly doesn't
apply to this movie.

It's sad, really.

Okay, maybe there's a few tiny,

little problems with the movie,
but who cares?

"Star Wars" is about the community,

the... the shared passion,

the entire universe that fills
our lives with wonder!

See, now you're just melting down

because your precious
space movie isn't perfect.

Doesn't have to be.

Nothing in this world is 100% perfect.

All my favorite things are.

Sporty Spice... perfect.

Grape nuts... perfect.

Baseball. Perfect.

So, let me put it in terms
that you can understand.

How would you like it if
I went to your locker room

before a championship game and
ruined baseball for your team?

I would say that unlike
your silly sci-fi nonsense,

baseball is invulnerable to critique.

Oh, come on.

It's 5% actual game play,

and the rest of the time,
it's just a bunch of dudes

standing there, adjusting their jocks.

For your information, those
uniforms are extremely tight,

which makes rearranging
your goodie bag a necessity

to maintain comfort
and ensure exciting gameplay!

Oh, please! Baseball's so boring

that they have a mandated
7th inning group stretch

so that the fans don't get a blood clot!

That stretch promotes team unity
and boosts Cracker Jack sales!

Face it, baseball
is just one mind-numbing,

tobacco-spitting, unending borefest

that no child has ever
stayed awake through.

The TV cameras cut to
those sleeping children

because they're adorable,
not because it sucks!

Getting very defensive there, Coach.

Hope I'm not ruining
America's pastime for you.

Impossible!

Baseball is an elegant,
nuanced art form,

and no one can ever
stop me from loving it!

I'll leave you to clean your whistles.

Despite pushing back, at the next game,

Coach couldn't get CB's words
out of his head.

Aw, come on with the adjustment!

What are you wasting time for?!

Step in the box and swing!

Stop shaking off every pitch!

Why are you checking
the runner at first?!

He's not going anywhere!

Come on! It's been two hours!

It's still zero-zero.

Just swing at everything!

Great! A toddler's asleep!

Do something! Anything!

Damn it.

CB ruined baseball.

While CB had opened Coach's
eyes about baseball,

Glascott and I were on
the lookout for Felicia.

Why are you taking Old York Road?

I just wanna go by the library

just in case we were wrong about her.

We're not wrong, John.

That girl is either at the
kegger at Roxborough Ronnie's

or the kegger at Kappa Tau.

No, I need to know
if she made the right choice

and went to the library.

Of course she didn't
make the right choice!

She's a teenager and she's
kegging it up at the kegger!

Look, Felicia will never forgive me

if I go show up at some party
that she's not even at.

But she is there!

How do you know?!

Because I was terrible just like her!

- Ohh!
- No!

The Driver's Ed car.

We both have brakes,
and neither of us used them.

Let's remember for insurance
purposes I was the passenger.

Okay, let's not argue about
how this is your fault.

How do we find Felicia?

Our student designated driving program

isn't supposed to be
for, you know, a-adults.

We're very drunk. Just drive.

To the kegger, Gabe.

Yeah, I was actually supposed to pick up

some kids there anyway.

Teachers. Run!

We'll get you for this, Gabe!

What?! No! No, I'm just trying
to help people here!

- Felicia!
- Hey.

I was just on my way to the library.

Oh, thank God.

No, wait!

CB! Well? Huh? Come on!

"Star Wars"! Let's hear it!

- R-Right? Am I right?
- Sweet God.

You haven't discussed this movie
with anyone yet, have you?

No, I've been waiting all
weekend to talk to you.

You listen to me. Right now,
you're living in the glow,

and I never want that to end for you.

What was wrong with the movie?
It was great.

R2-D2, the double lightsaber!

You know, now that
I think about it, though,

I really didn't love
the Trade Federation stuff.

Don't think! Just... live in the glow

where "Star Wars" is everything.

CB, we need to talk.

Mellor's here. Run.

Run, Coop, and never look back.

- Run!
- Hope you're happy.

Thanks to you, baseball
has lost all its magic.

Just doing what you did to me.

- How's it feel?
- Horrible!

You know that the greatest
hitter that ever lived

only hit the ball four outta ten times?

I don't teach math, but that
doesn't seem impressive.

And why sing "Take Me Out
to the Ball Game"?

We're already there!
Stop selling the sport to us!

Look, I'm sorry I ruined
baseball for you,

but you ruined "Star Wars"
for those kids.

It's the one thing
at this school they had

that made them feel a part of something,

and I don't know why you can't get that.

I get it.

When I was a boy, I moved around a lot,

and I learned that the easiest
way to make friends

was by joining a team.

Without baseball, I would've been lost.

The point is, I feel bad!

Come on, let me make it right.

You can't.

It's too late.

Mellor may have ruined "Star Wars"
for CB and the kids,

but he had one more Jedi
mind trick up his sleeve.

Kids, I am so psyched that
you called this meeting

of the Star Wars Club.

We didn't call this meeting.

Then who called the meeting?

It was I who summoned you here.

Is that... Coach Mellor?

Uh, Coach? We got practice.

Also, why are you dressed
like a Sith Lord?

Wait, you guys know that stuff?

Yeah, it's "Star Wars", lady bro.

Who doesn't love "Star Wars"?

Sounds like a challenge,
Ronnie from Roxborough!

The first Jedi that can knock me down

doesn't have to do frog squats
for the rest of the year.

Oh, it's on, Darth Mellor!

I got your back, little bro.

"Phantom Menace" rules!

I can't hear you!

"Phantom Menace" rules!

Hey...

I made a new batch of drop cookies.

Sorry, I'm not in the mood
for your betrayal cookies.

They taste like lies.

Okay, I get you're mad.

You finally trusted me,
and I took advantage.

- I'm sorry.
- Don't be.

Look, you don't want me to be your dad,

and after this whole mess,
I'm not sure that I wanna be.

- What are you saying?
- Look at you. You're driving now.

You're... all grown up
and ready to go out there

and live your own life.

And frankly, trying to
stop you is exhausting.

So go.

I just hope you're gonna be okay.

That's it? You're just giving up on me?

But that's what you want.

For me to not be your dad.

Of course I don't want you to be my dad!

My dad always let me down.

Look, I know this is a crazy
time in your life,

but all I can tell you

is I will be whoever you need me to be.

Thanks.

We did it, guys.

- Hey, man.
- Hey.

I just wanted to tell you
that I thought what you did

the other day for those kids
was amazing.

Look, "Star Wars" is your baseball,

and it wasn't my place
to take away something

that makes so many people happy,

especially from those kids.

Well, baseball makes
a lot of people happy, too,

so as a thank you, I got you this.

I remember how over-the-moon you were

when the Phillies won the pennant.

Ah.

Had awful seats
and it didn't even matter.

- It was the... best game I ever saw.
- Right.

Well, that's an autographed
Lenny Dykstra ball

from that game.

No?

- Seriously?
- Mm-hmm.

Why would you do this?

Because I love "Star Wars",

and you love baseball,
and none of it's perfect,

but sometimes when you sit down
to watch a "Star Wars" movie

or a Phillies' game,
it changes your life forever.

And in that way, we're exactly the same.

And like you said,
every fan deserves that joy.

You're an honorable Jedi, Rick Mellor.

May the Force be with you, CB-Wan.

Teachers help us discover our passions

in sports, in music, in movies.

And as we grow up and face
a sometimes critical world,

it's important to remember
that even with their flaws,

the joy these things bring to our lives

will always be perfect.

Hello, everybody, I'm sitting
here with the real CB,

who I'm portraying.

Wait, should I, like, fold my hands

- if you fold your hands?
- Yes.

Ah.

What's the one thing that you wish

could be taught in school?

Life skills... change a tire.

Have you ever had a tough time
connecting to a student?

- My dream is that I find something.
- Yeah.

When some kid comes in loving baseball,

well, I love baseball.

I also ran a "Magic: The Gathering" club

- at school, so I had...
- Wow, that's so sick.

- Yeah, and we'd play on Fridays,
- Wow.

- maybe have pizza.
- That's cool.

Were you a nerd in high school?

I was a nerd in high school.

- I loved math.
- Nine times nine, quick.

- 81. That's my favorite one.
- Okay. That was good.

That was really good.
Do you know how to do

- the nine tables with your hand?
- Sure.

- That's a saver for some kids.
- I always do this.

- Dude, you have fingers, use them.
- That's awesome.

- Yeah, I'm a geek.
- Me, too.

Fellow geeks. Here we are.

Synced & corrected by kinglouisxx
www.addic7ed.com