Original subtitles

Okay, kiddos, and that's the end of "Titanic."

Time for bed. Go brush your teeth.

- Night. - Night, guys.

I love that movie. What a fun boat.

Oh, it's late.

- Good night, babe. - Mm.

Guess it's that time.

See you tomorrow, sweetie.

And... home.

Wow. It only took you 56 minutes

from saying good night to your head hitting the pillow.

Down from an hour, we're getting better at this.

This is nuts, woman.

Why can't you just spend the night at Ben's?

Because spending the night with the kids there

is a huge step for them.

You know what's a huge step?

His house to yours.

Not to mention you refuse to stop at Wiener Circle,

no matter how loudly I demand it.

I know, it's exhausting,

but I can make it work.

When the time is right for me to sleep over, I will.

There's no rush. Now let's get some shuteye.

Is that how you always sleep? That is so weird.

Oh, this is the least weird thing I do when I sleep.

This is Alice.

When she was a kid, she dreamed up me to be her BFF.

Now my girl has finally fallen in love,

but she's in way over her head, so I'm back to help.

I've got this all figured out.

- No, you don't. - No, I don't.

Synced & corrected by kinglouisxx www.addic7ed.com

Our numbers are down, in part, due to the concussions sustained

by many of our football clientele.

However, I believe

- we can increase our presence... - Wake up!

- in the following areas... badminton... - Snap out of it!

Hey, Alice, wake up, girl.

This is your business. Ugh, damn it.

Gonna have to break out the big booty shake. Don't make me do it.

Here it is. Get some of this.

Unh, unh! Get it! Yeah!

Look at the back meat jiggle.

Alice, any thoughts?

Oh, yeah, let's do this.

Great!

I know that you'll be very happy with what some might consider

a dangerously controversial decision.

You have no idea what you're agreeing to!

Bail, we need to bail.

Okay!

On second thought, let's take five, huh?

- Harder. - Oh.

- Harder. Come on. - Oh.

- Ah! - There you go.

Okay, maybe you're right. I got to ask Ben

if I can spend the night when the kids are home.

It's a step forward,

and that guy loves steps forward.

It's Christmas and his birthday all wrapped up in one.

Well, that settles it, we're doing it.

Beardo's gonna cry rainbow tears of joy.

I have some bad news.

Did Grandpa die again?

Weird, but no.

Alice is spending the night.

- Sleepover! - Sweet.

- Cool. - Dad, how is that bad news?

Yeah, I was starting to think she's, like,

- a born-again virgin. - Thank you, Dora.

It's good news that Alice is sleeping over,

the bad news is you.

- Huh? - What?

Well, I mean, you guys are the greatest during the day.

But at night you're basically,

hmm, how do I put it? The worst.

Yay!

No, no, not a "yay" moment, Bun.

Between the three of you, I'm easily up 10 times a night.

If Alice experiences that, she'll never return.

10 times? Pfft. No, no way.

Yes way, I'm constantly in your room because you snore

like a freight train and I got to flip you.

So tonight you're wearing your sleep-apnea mask.

Uh, pass, no, I'm not gonna look like a total dork

- at Alice's first sleepover. - I respect that.

But can you at least sleep on your side?

I'll try, but I got no promises.

I can't control how I sleep.

Though I can control my dreams.

I can fly and kiss ladies, and then it gets private.

Okay, keep it to yourself, you freak show.

And, Dora, no more horror movies before bed.

They make you sleepwalk into my room

in the middle of night, babbling about

some terrifying nightmare.

Okay, fine. I'll... I'll only watch

the early "Saw" movies.

They're... They're much tamer with the beheadings.

Yeah, or maybe just switch it up. Try a comedy.

Plenty of inappropriate comedies.

And finally, Bunny.

- My sweet little baby. - Love you, Daddy.

Aww.

You're the worst of them all. No more calling me at night

to flip your pillow or get you water or take you to the potty.

Hey, we both knew this party had to end sometime, right?

I had a good run.

So we agree.

When Alice is here, you will all act

like regular, normal humans who sleep through the night.

And if you do this, I will give you each $20.

Yeah!

Well, it's bedtime for me.

Night, Papa.

Good night, Miss Alice.

Night, Bunny-bear.

Mwah.

You gonna read her a book or something?

Nah, she's heard it all before... Good night moon.

Good night all the other crap in the room.

Blah, blah. She's so easy. One sec.

- You! - Nothing!

Okay...

...enjoy watching...

"Sausage Party."

You're letting her watch "Sausage Party"?

It's a modern classic.

And it's downloading right now.

Man, I just rocked the kettle bells

on my Wii CrossFit game.

Gosh, my delts are on fire!

I'm gonna hit the hay pretty hard

and sleep like a ton of bricks.

On your side,

which is your favorite sleeping position.

Night, happy and quiet children.

I will see you at 7:00 and no earlier.

This is weird. You're all acting weird.

I'm not weird, you're weird. Pfft!

Why are people saying "weird" so much?

A-Dogg. Give me the skinny.

- Andy? - I'm sorry.

She called me "A-Dogg." I've been waiting so long for this.

Here's the deal, A-Train...

Don't you do it, A-Dogg.

Dad thinks we suck at night, so he paid us all $20

to act normal so that you don't desert us forever.

What?

No, no, he's, uh... Yeah, I did that.

Okay, you don't have to bribe your children, I'm fine.

I got this. I know how kids are.

Oh, no, you know the day children.

But the night ones? It's like that movie "Gremlins."

They're all cute and cuddly, but around midnight

they turn into monsters.

Uh, technically, the mogwai don't turn evil

unless fed after midnight.

Kids, you do not have to pretend around me.

Tonight, just be yourselves.

What a terrible thing to say.

Okay, kids, be yourselves.

- Yes! - Hey, Bunny,

Dad said we can be ourselves tonight.

Yay!

I was feeling so stifled.

Okay, Bun, let's start your bedtime routine.

Go pick out six to nine books.

- That's a lot of books. - Yep.

Then I kiss all her stuffed animals good night,

do a bedtime dance, and sing a short medley from Cats.

See you in an hour.

Dad, there's a shadow that's scaring me!

Dad, my pillow's too hot! Come flip it!

Dad! I need water!

Dad, my water's empty!

Dad! Dad!

Dad-uh!

Dad!

I'm so sorry.

No, it's all good.

Lucky for you, we can still sleep for...

three more hours? God!

Earthquake!

I wish. That's Andy.

No. No way.

That is clearly a gas-powered leaf blower,

not a human boy.

Only way it'll stop is to flip him.

- Is that a snow shovel? - Yep.

The trick is not to wake him

or else the cycle starts all over again.

Hmm, got some comments, some concerns.

Not now, I got to sleep.

So, you know how this whole thing was my idea?

Yeah, I take it back and now suggest

get in the car and drive and never look back!

It's just the first night, it's got to get better.

- There's a man in my room. - What?

He's got a crispy burnt face

- and he's here to get me. - Oh, my God, Ben!

Aah! I knew this is how we'd die!

I knew it!

There's somebody in Dora's room.

He's got knives for fingers.

Oh, no, that's Freddy Krueger. She sleepwalks

and comes into my room at night when she has nightmares.

It's okay, back to bed, honey.

- It's just a dream. - ♪ One, two, Freddy's coming for you ♪

Don't worry.

It usually dies down around 4:00.

Usually?

Oop! Andy rolled on his back again.

- Okay. - Dad!

I drank too much water and now I have to go potty!

Okay, you deal with Bunny, I'll snow-shovel Andy.

- Thanks, babe. Love you. - Yeah.

You know what you should do with that shovel?

Bury him!

That's it. Down the hatch.

How do you feel?

Still dead inside.

That was the longest night of my life.

No offense to your people, but those kids are monsters.

Are the monsters to blame here?

Or is it the crazy Dr. Frankenstein who created them?

You follow?

Hang on. I thought Frankenstein was the monster.

No, Frankenstein was the doctor's name.

Look, point is, this is on Ben.

He coddles those kids.

They wouldn't be so needy if he didn't jump

every time they called, snored, or quoted Freddy Krueger.

They do seem a little pampered.

A little? He fluffs their pillows,

brings them drinks... he's their bearded butler.

Should I say something?

Baby, If you see something, say something.

Good point.

Wait, if Frankenstein is the doctor, then what's the monster's name?

Gary. Not a lot of people know that.

Oop, you're on.

Okay, so that was a nightmare

that included a nightmare,

- which is my nightmare. - It's fine.

You promised me hell, and you delivered.

It just makes me trust you more.

But... Forget it.

No, no, no, please. Go ahead.

It's just, you're really there for the kids,

which is sweet, but...

you're really there for them.

I know, but that's parenting.

They need you, and you're there for them.

You get up a lot.

Like, a lot-lot.

Hey, I don't make the parent rules, I just live by them.

Any parent will tell you the same sad story, babe.

We should ask somebody else. That cannot be right.

- Uh, you wanted to see me? - Yes, yes.

Thank you for coming, Megan, I really need to talk to you.

Can I ask you a question?

I know this is about the discrepancies

I will track down the missing money.

What? No, this is not about that.

'Cause it's a lot of money. Like a crazy amount.

I need to ask you a mom question.

I know you love your kids,

but do they, like, suck at night?

Well, it's like this.

Children are vicious leeches created to steal sleep

and ruin your body.

Yeah, but you're a parent and you're always well-rested.

How do you do it?

Welcome to The Oasis.

It's a secret I share with Joanne from HR

and Lisa in Synergy, who has triplets.

This is our tranquil respite.

It's a storage room.

Is it?

Sign up sheet's here. Have at it.

Wait, so you all sleep on the job?

In a sense, no.

But in a more true sense, yes. All the time.

Please don't fire me.

It's like a cloud.

I knew you were dating a guy with kids,

but I didn't realize he has a baby.

Well, I wouldn't really call them babies.

I mean, they are whiny, but they're 16, 15, and 6.

- Months? - Years.

And we're laughing so hard 'cause, why?

'Cause this is where moms with newborns sleep.

Lisa, Joanne, and I, we all have babies.

So, like "wah-wah" poopie babies?

Yeah, like "wah-wah" poopie babies.

So their behavior is not normal?

Oh, honey.

You're screwed!

We should fire her right before Christmas.

More importantly, Beardo is a softy.

Those rug rats are playing him.

So what am I gonna do about this?

You're gonna do what you do best. You're gonna fix it.

You're right.

I can fix it. I'm a fixer.

Yeah! Let's do this!

I will, after a little power nap.

Ooh, wait for me! Ooh! Yeah!

Oh, remind...

Hello.

Ooh, what's in the bag?

The solution to all of your problems.

Ooh, one of those home soda machines?

- Screw you, store-bought cola. - No, but noted. Okay.

We have acknowledged that there are issues with your kids

sleeping at night, and I'm going to fix it.

- Al, you can't just... - Starting with you.

Ooh, something for me?

This is a therapeutic sleep mask,

and these are noise-canceling headphones.

Trust me.

I can't see, I can't hear.

This is probably what death feels like.

- Sweet, sweet death. - Sure.

Now go upstairs and sleep through the night.

Through the night?

- Yeah, okay, there's no way that's gonna... - Bup-bup, go.

...gonna happen. Okay.

- Kids, I have gifts! - Cool!

- I like things. - Better be good.

Andy, I have the perfect snoring solution... a sleep sling.

You wear it and it prevents you from rolling onto your back.

- Awesome. - Dora, you get a new phone.

What?! Uh, no. I'm sorry,

I said "awesome" way too soon.

Holy God.

Forget everything I've ever said about you behind your back.

You're not terrible!

- Oh. - You're okay.

Yay. Well, now you can watch as many scary movies

at night before bed.

And if you get a nightmare, just video-blog it

and go right back to sleep.

Oh, it's no snore sling, but whatever.

What about me?

You, my little sweetie,

will never have to call out for water at night ever again.

Okay, when you're thirsty, you turn it on. Boop.

When you're done, turn it off. Boop.

You try.

Look at me. I'm a hamster!

I'm the thing I lost!

Good night, hamster.

Did I just sleep through the night?

You sure did.

And guess what. No problems.

Just peace.

Alice style.

Holy hell, you just solved a problem that's plagued parents for millennia.

No biggie.

Mm.

Something smells great.

Whoa. What are you wearing, buddy?

Oh, it's my snore sling.

When I roll on my back, these tennis balls dig in real hard

so that I roll back onto my side.

Right. It's also a bra.

- It's a what now? - It's a woman's brassiere.

You made me wear your bra?

Not mine. Gross.

My mom left it at my place.

I-I'm wearing an old lady's bra?

Oh, no, no, no, no, no. This has to go.

It won't come off.

It's impossible.

It's like elastic can't be solved.

It's a puzzle. Aah!

Ah! This is doubly humiliating,

'cause now it's revealed my inexperience!

This is a gift that keeps on giving.

Wait, you got her a new phone?

And you can't have it back.

It's for her nightmare video blogs.

You can't give Dora a phone.

That's not an everyday gift. That's a huge-occasion gift.

Like birthdays or Christmas

or when a grandparent dies in front of them.

I get a stupid bra, and you get a frickin' phone?!

- Give it! - Never! I earned this by doing nothing!

If I knew any of this was part of your plan, I would have stopped you.

Big picture... everyone slept through the night.

Even Bunny... she didn't call out for you once.

Daddy!

This timing can't be good.

I had an accident in my bed.

It's okay, sweetie, it happens.

It's a big accident.

That's one hell of an accident.

Okay, this water could have come from anywhere.

Got some theories.

Nothing concrete, but...

Good news is I build houses,

so I'll just build a new house.

And I'm in PR. I can...

I can... I got nothing.

I know your heart's in a good place.

Oh, no sentence ever ended well that starts like that.

It's just, I shouldn't have let you fix it.

You just made things worse.

Oh, I made things worse?

Well, I didn't set up the world's first gallon feeder

- for a 6-year-old. - At least I was trying.

I talked to some women who sleep in a closet,

and they said that this is not normal.

Oh, women who sleep in closets gave you parenting advice?

That sounds great.

Well, you coddle the kids.

You are a kid coddler!

And I told you this is just the way it is.

It's not the way it is. It's the way you make it.

Oh, so you're saying I'm a bad parent.

You're saying this is my fault?!

No, you're not a bad parent.

You're just Frankenstein.

Oh, so I'm a monster.

- Frankenstein was the doctor. - Okay.

You clearly don't know that book, and you clearly don't know

- how to deal with my kids! - Ben...

I'm sorry, but you overstepped this time.

Wow.

I can't believe Ben got so upset.

I make one little comment about his parenting...

- Mm-hmm. - ...he flies off the handle.

- Uh-huh. - He is coddling them.

Mm-hmm, I see where you're coming from.

Okay, you're agreeing with me in a way that clearly states

you don't agree. What's going on?

You said the exact same thing about him.

True, but he can't hear me.

Whose team are you on?

What, are you his imaginary friend now?

Ugh, I'm sorry. We've never hurt his feelings

like this before. It's making me feel weird.

Me, too. But it's not fair.

I am kind of right.

Plus, I'm getting no credit for fixing Dora.

It's because of me she didn't barge in with nightmares,

as evidenced by her video blog.

There's a horrible blonde succubus obsessed with Dad.

- What? - I hate her so much.

She even killed Bunny.

That could mean anything.

But she's definitely talking about you.

Hello?

Hey.

Hey.

I'm sorry.

I got overly defensive

and went a little "mama bear" on you.

I'm sorry, too.

What are you, nuts? You don't have a reason to be.

You were just trying to help, and I overreacted.

Look, bottom line is you're right.

I do coddle them.

- Maybe a little. - It's hard.

After I got divorced, I just felt so guilty.

And it rocked their world, you know?

And I found myself doing

every little thing I could to make them feel

just a little bit better.

That's because you're caring and sweet.

But it's been two years. Your kids are doing great.

It's okay to back off a little.

Here's the thing. I don't want to let go.

I just love their stupid faces so much.

And when their whiny little voices call my name,

it melts my heart.

It's magic.

Wow.

Look, I know that all means a lot,

but maybe it's time to start taking

baby steps forward, for everyone's sake.

You're right.

And who better to help me than the woman

who solved Dora's problems?

- Mm-hmm. - Sell it.

- Mm-hmm! - Is there more to this story?

- Mm-hmm. - Do you want to tell me?

- Mnh-mnh. - Okay.

- I hate her so much. - You think this is about you?

- Uh, yes. - Okay, first of all,

I don't dream about you. Gross.

Second of all,

I had this dream when I watched the movie "Fatal Attraction."

But "blonde succubus"?

Glenn Close.

Oh! "Bunny."

It wasn't our Bunny. She boils an actual pet bunny!

- Such a good part. - Ah, thank God.

I mean, it's horrible, but yay.

Ah, all right, now that that's settled, I'm taking your phone.

- Huh? - It's time for me

to put my foot down gently and slightly.

- You may not even notice it. - Okay.

No more scary movies before bed.

And if you ignore that and get nightmares,

you're on your own.

- This is your fault. - What?

I take it back. You are Glenn Close.

- You are the succubus. - Hey.

This isn't Alice's decision. It's mine.

That just makes me mad at both of you!

Love you, too.

- That's not what I said. - But it's what I heard.

Night, munchkin.

Watch this.

Ba-da-bam! I'm a pro.

Okay, you're gonna start using your sleep-apnea machine.

No, I look like such a dork.

You can either sleep with the mask or sleep outside.

Fine, I choose the mask.

At least I'll look like the guy from "Mad Max."

Here's your training bra.

It's not a training bra.

Well, it was for me.

And a couple of guys in my history class.

- Oh. Ugh. - Go wash your hands right now.

Dad! Dad?!

Be strong. You can do this.

- This is a tough one, Alice. - Dad!

I know she's not dying, but...

- Ben. - I said I know.

I did it.

I knew you could do it.

Alice!

Did she just call me?

Alice!

Alice is coming!

Hey.

This is different.

Thank you, Alice.

You're welcome, Your Majesty.

Unreal.

All our progress is now out the window.

- Alice? - Hmm?

Can I get some tucks and a kissy?

Okay, that's not so bad.

And she is so darn cute and snuggly.

Love you.

Wow, that was...

Magic.

- Alice! - That's me.

- Alice! - Me, again.

Alice!

Alice!

Winner, winner, chicken dinner.

- Ben... - Alice! Alice!

- It's you. - She's calling you.

It's you.

You ever want to have sex ever again?

I'm up.

Not fair.

Synced & corrected by kinglouisxx www.addic7ed.com