All language subtitles for Archer - 10x05 - Archer 1999_ Mr. Deadly Goes to Town.WEBRip-LucidTV.English.C.updated.Addic7ed.com

Now that doesn't look right.

Why am I looking at a black hole?
You know I hate those.

Yeah, we're nowhere near
where we're supposed to be.

Well, maybe we should find
the navigator

- and throw something at him.
- Wait, I'm the... hey!

- Seriously?
- Sorry, I didn't have anything heavier.

Also there's that.

That is the most evil thing
I've ever seen.

This isn't my fault.
I didn't enter these coordinates.

That thing summoned us
out of hyperspace.

Well, don't just stand there
gawping like stunned space elk.

Go see if there's anything
worth salvaging.

You want us to walk into a thing
that might as well have

"imminent death"
written on the side?

Well...
Since we're here.

Yep, and nothing terrible
ever happens in a place like this.

Hmm, I'm not finding much.

Just a bunch of hallways
that meet up over there.

Ooh, I'm picking up large
amounts of organic compounds!

Aww, but no moisture,

- which only makes sense if it's...
- A giant field of old, dead aliens?

- Or an army of space mummies.
- Uh, look up circuit-dick.

Oh, well, technically I'm correct
if they stand up...

- ...now! Right now.
- Instead of trying to raise the dead,

why don't we just find something shiny

and get the heck out of here?
Cyril, find anything?

Well, it looks like there
are two kinds of aliens.

Heavily armored and seems like
they've been here for eons.

Ah!

Dead... alien... in...

my... lungs.

Whoa-ho!
Cool!

We've decoded
the writing on the outside

- and it seemed... relevant.
- Relevant how?

Well, as far as we
can tell, it's one phrase

translated into a
dozen ancient languages.

"Beware. End of life."

"Beware. End of life."
Any-hoo...

- Now I kind of wish we'd worn helmets.
- Time to go. Cyril, Pam.

Ha-ha!

Bring me the biggest goose
in all of London!

Well, hello.

I'm Mr. Deadly,
and I'm coming with you.

And if we don't take you?

Written right on the side.

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Could you say that
one more time?

- Bring me the biggest goo...
- Not you!

I'm a sentient doomsday device

created by an extinct alien race
but never used.

Wait, never used?
What about all those bodies?

Well, hello.
I'm Mr. Deadly.

Typical.

I didn't kill them.
They died fighting over me.

But you gestured threateningly.

I've been alone
for thousands of years,

so my nonverbal communication
skills are a bit rusty.

- So wait, are you a weapon or not?
- As I said, doomsday device.

Designed by a race
to whom mutual destruction

was preferable to defeat.

I was hidden away
on the edge of space,

but the war I was created
to end in fiery apotheosis

concluded without me.

So there I remained,
my only companions

- the velvety dark and solitude itself.
- And then?

I got bored, so I nabbed you
lot out of hyperspace

to help me explode,
at which point

I'll atomize a few dozen
solar systems.

Who else is turned on right now?

- Always on.
- Not at all.

Am I to understand that
we brought a giant bomb

onto the ship because you
misunderstood its gestures?

Yeah, keep working on it, buddy.

Now, with that out of the way,

would you say
"Please detonate"?

Plea...

Keep little Miss Death Wish
confined here until we decide

what to do with that
walking apocalypse.

So we're just supposed to sit
here and twiddle our thumbs?

I'm sure what you do
with your thumbs

is entirely your business.

- Yeah, just see the silently.
- That'll show her.

- Well, you're stuck here, too.
- I'm always stuck here.

What?!

I'm just laughing
at how little they respect you.

God, I need a drink.

It looks like The Artifact
sealed itself up after you left.

- So we're stuck with you, huh?
- Yes. Though I can't trigger myself,

I would like to explode
at the earliest opportunity.

Go right ahead!
If killed, I blow up automatically.

Sort of obvious,
when you think about it.

So you lived your entire life
on that thing, right?

You've never experienced anything?

I could access all
the information in the galaxy.

But I suppose you're right.

I didn't directly experience
any of it.

Aww.
You must be horny as shit.

- The sole aim of my being is to explode.
- Been there, buddy.

We get it.
You wanna explode.

But if you experience some
stuff, then explode,

you'd get the best of both worlds.

Maybe you won't want
to explode at all.

Unlikely, but intriguing.
It is settled.

I shall experience...
some stuff!

Excellent.
Laki Station is nearby.

It's a cargo depot,
but it has its share of diversions.

I'm just glad I won't have to look
at that thing anymore.

What is it with you and black holes?

- Ever heard of spaghettification?
- Oh, yeah, I did that once!

Man, we went everywhere,
nothing but sauce and starch.

Nom-nom-nom-nom.

- I put on 20 pounds.
- Pam, not spaghetti vacation!

I'm talking about
the scientific term

for being sucked through
a black hole's event horizon

and being stretched into
a thin strip of matter,

screaming for eternity
because of time dilation.

"Spaghettification!"

We called ours "Pastafari."

Ahh! What are you doing
in my inner sanct...

room where I sit quietly
and do nothing suspicious?

You come here to dream
of electric sheep?

Don't be a Dick.
Androids can't dream.

But we do think real hard
about them.

And make illegal
experimental weapons

using our ship's supplies?

What?
No, that's not...

Laki Station is notorious
for black market deals.

I may just have a plan.

- Stop that!
- Oh, sorry.

I was just... electric sheep.
Like, do they plug in?

My word.
I knew the life cycle of a cow,

the atomic structure of sucrose,
but the experience!

Yeah, well, ice cream is good.

Not that good.

Unless you've got one
that's foreplay flavored.

- Do they have that?
- No.

And let's keep it simple for now.

I hear they have
a greenhouse that might

- be fun to walk through.
- Good grief, there's more than this?

Yay, plants.
So what's the plan here?

Stuff him in a cargo hold
and bug out?

No! Then he just blows up
a bunch of other people.

We can make this work.

If we just find something
he likes enough to live for.

Oh, my God, you always
have to fix people, don't you?

This is why our marriage
didn't work!

Really?
It wasn't the fact

that you slept with everything
on two legs?

Hm... not always two.

This is a disaster.

There's only two people here!

- Didn't you pass out the brochures?
- I did not.

But the mix tape doesn't make
any sense without...

- Oh, my God.
- You didn't send the mix tape?

♪ Sometimes you want to have fun ♪

♪ Have fun ♪

♪ Sometimes you just
need a gun, blap-blap ♪

The arms game
is about connections,

not your quasi-musical cry for help.

This is all window dressing anyway.

This is bush league right here.

- Thank you!
- Yeah.

Hey, after this,
let's hit the dead drop

- and then space taco.
- Mm, def.

Oh, my God!
Are you guys spies?

Oh, my God, yell it out, hello.

Got it!
Do you guys have, like,

an internship or something?
I'm very sneaky!

- Mm-hmm.
- I see you two have an eye.

Let me show you the latest.

Only for my special
customers, you understand.

Yeah, well, we are pretty special.

The PlasmoblastChaos Edition!

Hold down the trigger,

and it fires at wildly
unpredictable intervals!

- Why?
- Revenge Body Armor!

When hit, it auto-injects you
with painkillers

- and rage-inducing pharmaceuticals!
- Why...

And finally, my magnum opus.

The personalized,
identity-locked

- temporary singularity grenade.
- That all sounds...

- So dumb.
- Thank you.

What's dumb about
a temporary black hole

that sucks everything into it,
then teleports itself

to a random location in the galaxy?

All of the words that you said

- in the order that you said them.
- And we're out.

If I may step in...
these are only the appetizers.

I do in fact have access
to a weapon of great power.

- What, a fart cannon?
- Actually, I have one...

No, something else.
A doomsday device.

The butterfly.
A remarkable illustration

of the capacity of living things...

- to change.
- Cool.

Hey, is that something you
think you might be able to...

- What's going on, bud?
- Oh, I'm conversing

with the butterfly
via pheromones.

I just asked it to say,"Please detonate."

I thought you weren't
gonna try to explode!

That's not... anything I said.

Anyway, it was a hard pass.

Much more foul-mouthed
than I expected.

Same to you, you bastard!

Well, I guess we're safe.

Until he finds a fruit fly
with a death wish.

So... would you be interested?

Or, you can shoot plasma bolts
at semi-random intervals.

Ka-kow!

Ka-ka-kow!

- I'll take doomsday.
- Ka-kow!

- What do you mean, "No?"
- The accepted opposite of, "Yes"?

So we're not selling Mr. Deadly now?
Won't those spies be angry?

And more importantly,
how does this affect our mix tape?

Selling him would solve
all our problems.

He gets taken somewhere else
and gets to explode. We live.

Except for the billions
of life forms he kills.

Well, obviously, but they're kind of
a sunk cost at this point.

- That is not what that means.
- Oh, um... arbitrage?

We can't be held responsible

for the actions of the people
we sell weapons to!

- Why not?
- Because we'd have to stop doing it!

Look, I think Mr. Deadly
is making some real progress.

The ice cream was good,

and that was
a very pretty bug, if rude,

but fulfilling the purpose
of my existence

sounds a smidge better.

But there must be something
in the universe you wanna do.

I've heard good things
about whisky.

Great job, Lana.
Now let's go get this bomb drunk.

Lightweights.
That was only like a half a bottle...

of Quaaludes...
that I dissolved in their absinthe.

Hmm...
they may die.

Oh!
Mr. Deadly!

That's what I was doing.

I say, that tastes like
an old boot on fire

- that I like in my mouth!
- I know it's your first time,

but you don't have to try
literally every whisky they have.

Um, could you say,
"Please detonate"?

Say nothing.
Walk away.

Almost got you.

- I'll have these six.
- Not 100% sure this is working.

Let's just go find
those spies and pawn him off.

One, that's evil.

Two, we don't even know
what they look like.

Well, see that cat dude
and pouch master general?

They look exactly like that.

Doesn't look like they're
here to haggle.

- Time to go.
- And we're shuffling,

and they're working together,
and they're cutting us off,

- and they're here.
- Nice work, Tav.

What's up with all
the fist bumping?

This is not a weapon!
It is a living being

- who does not want...
- Who's taking me? You?

You?
Ah, we'll figure it out.

Thanks, Lana.
It's been... a delay?

But I'd like to explode now.

Well, all that's left
is for you to pay us

and we'll leave this
portion of the galaxy...

Oh-ho-ho.
You're not going anywhere.

I have a thing about loose ends.

Is that why you have so many straps?

Seriously, are you on your way
to tie down a blimp?

Hey! Time to leave.

We tend to frown on
threatening waiters with knives.

Sir, we're handling this.

- Oh, is that right, Tycho Brahe?
- Astronomy burn!

Come on, did the groundwork
for Copernicus.

Had a metal nose.
Tycho Brahe.

Ooh, long way to go for that one.

Hey, assholes.
If he dies, he explodes!

- Well, you should have led with that!
- Oh, we're so sorry!

God damn it.
I think they used your stick thing!

It's called a quarterstaff.

Fine, they used your quarterstaff.
You have a gun!

We can lay low here for a while.

Aww, cheer up, dude.

I bet you'll explode
before you know it.

Lana, you have snatched me
from my destiny.

Yeah, she is a huge buzzkill.

Look, I'm very partially
sorry about that.

But we're gonna figure out
what to do.

Can you stay here
for just a few minutes?

Oh, great.
I've waited thousands of years

so what's a few minutes?

- That's a yes, right?
- Yes.

- So... what do we do?
- Oh! Oh, not this.

Just thought of another name
for Spaghetti Vacation.

If you tell it to me, Pam,
I will literally kill you.

Call it a one-way vacation
to the void.

- Wait, that's something.
- Killing Pam?

I was joking, but if you've got
a good reason I would...

No, these depots all
have a cargo railgun.

- They're insanely powerful.
- So?

So we put him in it,
aim it up out of the galactic plane,

and radio the order
when he's at a safe distance.

We'd have to get there without
those goons intercepting us.

Seems tough.
They're very cool.

- They're not that cool.
- Okay, let's ask him.

Ha!
Teach you to lock me in a room.

Because I locked youin a room!
Ha-ha!

Are you guys getting that?
I can't see if the irony is landing.

- Why not open the door and check?
- I can't, I smashed it.

- Okay, bye.
- Okay, bye. We're gonna die.

If we are, there's something
I need you guys to know.

"Ravioliday"!

Worth it.

- I am ready.
- Take me!

You may have some
unhealthy associations

- with sex and death.
- Duh-hoi.

Uh-huh. So you know
you don't have any junk, right?

Well, if you give me a moment
I'm sure I can grow one.

Why don't you make it two.

- That was... My God!
- Ugh! It's gonna be one of those.

How can sensations that
majestic and world shattering

be contained in such strange
dangly skin-bags?

Did the world shatter for you
in the first ten seconds,

the second ten seconds,
or huh, no other options!

Both!
Benefit of two, I suppose.

But, oddly, I find a limpid
rush of passion in myself,

and I must tell you...
sorry, what was your name?

There's some debate on that.

- Well, whatever it is, I love you.
- Yes, well... nap.

Can you at least tell me
to detonate?

God, can you stop your dumb
mouth from talking so I can sleep!

Okay. Well, I'm gonna
destroy you all now.

As long as it's quiet!
Rude!

What did you just do?

I don't know.
I wasn't listening either.

Unfortunately, we were, and there
are some things you can't unhear.

Yeah, like why was it so squelchy?

- Well...
- Nope! Where did he go?

Who?

Let's see.
Let's wind the footage back

to the moment
they left the cantina...

Pff. Cantina?
Barely a saloon.

Or that.
Last one to grab him buys tacos?

Ugh!
Set me up the whole way.

Ugh... Respect.

We got to go!

Give me a minute!
I think I was just dead a little!

♪ Sometimes
you just need a gun ♪

Damn that's catchy.

Cheryl got out!
And ruined everything.

That second part
probably goes without saying.

How can you be so incompetent?

Well, seeing as how you let
a glue-sniffing

human death wish
escape a closed vessel,

maybe we're even!

Even? Who paid for
your first "massage"

when you ran out of cash?

Not to get in the middle
of your Freudian nightmare,

but just get Krieger ready
with his weapons,

and meet us outside the ship!

- Way ahead of you.
- Are you?

Hate to be a pest.
but could you say "Please Detonate?"

- Uh, no thank you.
- Ah-ha!

Fantastic.
And now this is happening.

Let's go!

Ow.

Nice shooting, Tex, but if you
kill him, nobody gets tacos.

- Oh, hi guys.
- Oh, hi. They're from the ship.

- Yep. We are here to stop you.
- Is that a kimono?

These are experimental prototypes.

I call gun!
Big gun, here.

- That leaves Pam the temporary...
- Don't need it, dick-nuts.

- My body is a weapon.
- Speaking of which.

- The temporary singularity grenade?
- Why would you make that?

Why not just give us an
ancient horn that summons

Cthulhu's older,
shittier step-brother?

Well, it imprinted on you now,
so no one else can use it.

Seems like a needless precaution.

So where do you think they are?

I find it's good practice to follow
the sound of gunfire.

That hadn't happened yet!

Oh, suppressing fire!

Ah, ah, ah!

Yelling "suppressing fire"
kind of defeats the point.

We're supposed to think
you're aiming at us.

You know what, actually,

I'm saying it to my teammates,
so they know.

Ah-ah-ah!

Admit you underestimated me.

Get off my head, you bitch!

They're actually doing okay.

I might have a tiny bit
more respect for them.

Don't ever tell them I said that.

There is so much
so deeply wrong with you.

And you married me.

- Doesn't reflect great on you.
- Aww, can I keep him?

How long before they notice...

"We're-we're gone,"
is what I was gonna say.

So what's all this then?

Cargo railgun, we shoot you,
transmit signal, boom.

- Oh, finally.
- Wait, where's Pam?

The invisible fist.
That could be my code name.

So what do you say,
I'm your scrappy apprentice,

and you're my gruff-but-loveable...

- Ahhh! Ow!
- I'll think about it.

Oh, that is good pouchwork.

Get in there.
We'll send the "please det..."

Archer, come on.

Whoops, that would
have been hilarious.

We'll send you the message
once you're out of the galactic plane.

Ahh!
Jesus, Archer.

- You ever look before you shoot?
- Sometimes.

- Don't hit Mr. Deadly!
- Yeah, aiming at you guys.

Thanks for being so conscientious.

You saved me.

You overcame your simple
biological impulse to live.

Just trying to do what's right.

- Jesus Christ, lady!
- Don't call me lady!

Well, have a nice death.

Just give me the receiver
so you can transmit the order.

- The what?
- It's a cargo container.

Do you want me to bring along
string and a can?

Goddamn it.

Oh, so now you're a gesture expert.

- Whoa, smells like stir-Friday in here.
- Why did you do that?

I need to feel their blood
on my... ah.

Ohh, this is the best I've ever felt.

Yeah, you're probably gonna
want to check into rehab.

Like immediately.
You forgot this.

I came as quick as I could.
You know, after they died.

You are a paragon of bravery.

All right,
let's shoot you into space.

- One moment.
- Oh, come on!

Lana's act of selflessness
inspired me.

She was willing to give
her life for others,

and that gives me
the courage to change.

- I choose life.
- I guess this means no tacos.

Is that supposed to be a joke?

I didn't mean to make it weird.

How's this for weird?
Please detonate.

- No!
- Don't detonate!

I think my change of heart
may have diffused me.

Only now do I see that

when one's purpose is evil,
achieving that...

Archer, you've got to use this.

I don't want to be
eternal spaghetti, Lana.

For once, think of anyone
other than yourself.

Aghh! Fine!

- I'm alive!
- We're alive!

- Close one, right guys?
- Yeah, great.

I think I twisted my ankle.
Thanks, Lana.

- So where exactly did they go?
- It's semi-random,

- but I could try to back-calculate it...
- I'd kind of prefer to not know

if we wiped out several thriving

and culturally complex civilizations.

- Yeah, I mean, me too.
- All right.

We don't know that was us.

sync & correction by f1nc0
~ Addic7ed.com ~