Original subtitles

- Mr. Dobson ,

it's time for us to do what the Good Lord would refer to

as a "cleansing of tbe wicked ,"

and wbat my brotber George, Ood rest bis soul,

used to call "100o/o, AIabama ass-kickin'."

- So you think we're gonna die bere today?

- Dying's not an option . Now, you stick tbat back

in that gray matter of yours and you make tbat stick,

'cause any other tbought's gonna get you cold-slabbed,

toe-tagged and mailed home to your mom in a plastic bag. Are we crystal?

- Crystal, sir. - Gentlemen!

Let's do wbat God made us to do.

- This is Sheriff John QuinceY WYdell

of the Ru99sville CountY Sheriff's Oepartment.

You're completely surrounded/

You have no chance of escape!

Now would be the time to vacate the premises peacefullY.

- There's a million fucking cops!

Come on.

- Otis, tbe fucking pigs are everywhere!

- Tell me something I don't know! - We've gotta do sometbing!

- You're completely surrounded. You have no chance of escape.

- Can't take the car, about 25 pigs.

- I know, I know! Sbit fuck shit fuck!

Shit. - Where the fuck is Tiny?

- I ain't seen Tiny. - Tiny!

- I think he went out last night. - Everybody sbut up!

Mama, wbat's the matter?

- I keep thinking about.. .old times...

like when you was a fuckin' baby.

-You looked like an angel . - I know, Mama.

- You told me that a million times. - Yeah.

- Gentlemen!

On the count of three!

- Ready? - Yeab.

- One! - I love you , Mama.

- I love you , Baby. - Two!

- Let's go.

- Three!

Fucking pigs!

- Stupid mothertucker!

Die, you fuckers!

- You okay?! - Yeab, are you?

Fuck!

- Ready? -Yeah yeab yeab, go go!

Man down!

- Hold your fire! - Hold Your fire!

-Dobson! Get some tear-gas in that house!

- Sir!

- Mama!

Let's go! Let's go!

- Do not fucking move!

I advise you to Iower that weapon.

- I'm sorry, Sheriff,

but you ain't gettin' me.

- Looks like you ain't gettin' off that easy,

buh , bitch?

♪ And I'm bound to keep on ridin ' ♪

- AIrigbt, everybody listen up.

I want this place gone over with a fine-tooth comb.

Wherever these fuckers are,

tbey gotta be close. - I am standing outside the perimeter

of what is turning out to be the most horrific crime scene

since Jack the Ripper stalked the streets ol London.

What police have uncovered reads like this:

"Words can't describe it.

Human skulls used as ornaments,

bodY parts stuffed in refrigerators."

And / can't believe what it saYs here:

"A mass grave of decomposin9 bodies

dumped under the crawlspace of the house."

- Hey, Chief, you might wanna to cbeck this out.

- What? - I don't know.

- Jesus H. Christ.

Mothertucker.

- What, you recognize tbe clown?

-Yeah, his name is Spaulding,

Captain fucking Spaulding.

- Ob, yeah ! Ooh , yes! Gimme... give it to me!

- Yeab . - Yeab yeab.

Yeah , ride tbe horse, baby! Ride it! Yeah!

Yes, give it, give it up!

Oive it up! Give it! Yeab! Ob! Ride it!

Ob, ride the borse! Yeab!

- Yes! - Yeah , ob!

Ab! Ob, honey!

You gettin' a good ride tonight.

Next time, you gonna have to pay me.

- Did you just call me a fucking wbore?

- Well, I calls 'em like I sees 'em.

- Really?

You think I'm a fucking whore?

- I don't think it, I know it.

- Wbore tbis, fucker. - Hey hey hey hey!

Come on now, baby, hold on.

I'm just messing with ya. You know us clowns,

we like to just fool around a bunch, you know? Come on.

- Yeab . - Laugb.

CIown. .. Iaugb!

- Poopy.

What's tbe matter, bad dream?

- Yeah , 50-50.

- You want to fool around some more?

- Oh , Jesus Christ, woman , I gotta take a piss.

- No. - Didn't you get enougb ass-banging

last night? God damn it, my dick is still sore.

- Oh, come on, I'm borny. - No.

- Most guys like tbat quality in a girl.

- Yeah , except you acting like some kinda spastic mongoloid in heat.

- Fuckin' bitcb. - Hurry!

- Honey, wbere is it?

- Just calm down, it'll be on in a minute.

Ah ! Ha ha! Tbere it is!

Oh-ho-bo-ho!

- Yeah . - You look so sexy.

- Captain Spauldin9 again. Yes, /'m here to tell You

about a brand-new attraction.

Mary... the monkey. Oh Yeah, that's ri9ht.

- Ha! That fuckin' monkey. - This here little monkeY

-.. .is hall real human, half monkeY. - I love tbat monkey.

I brought all the waY from the wilds of Borneo.

When y'all come in, make sure You bring little Johnny and Suzie with you.

She'll scare the holY guacamole out of 'em.

Ha ha! And remember while You're down here,

pick up a š'Captain Spaulding for presidentš' T-shirt"

all shapes and...

- Hey, wbat tbe fuck is this?

I paid good money for this goddamn commercial!

- Sheriff, "News Update ", what is the situation here now?

-[Wydell on Tv]: "The situation?"

- Now what? God damn it!

- Wbat are you-- - Yeah , what?

- Daddy, you gotta get outta tbere. - Why?

- Tbe pigs hit us this morning real bad . - Shut tbe fuck up!

- They're gonna be coming for you too. - All rigbt, just calm down.

I'll meet you at the Kahiki Palms Motel just like we always planned.

- Yeab, okay. - I'll be there as soon as I can.

- All right, just go now.

Poopy!

What do you need a gun for? Where are we going?

-You ain't going nowhere, bitch . - Oh , Poopy!

- Oet outta my fuckin' way!

- If You're out there listening to this, / got a messa9e for Ya.

I'm comin9 to 9et Ya. You can't run forever.

You're gonna have to stop somewhere, sometime, and when You do

I'm gonna be there to put the wrath of the Lord up Your ass.

Poopy, don't go!

- Ood damn it, stop calling me Poopy!

- But, Poopy-- - Leave me alone, woman!

- I want my Poopy! Poopy, no! - Leave me alone!

- In an attempt to help the Rug9sville Police Department,

we here at "News Update "

would like to show You these mug shots of the suspects

known to have escaped during the raid earlier this mornin9.

100. 150.

175.

184 bucks? Wbat?!

Candy! - What?

- Candy, come on down here! Come on, cut that out.

Turn it off. Candy, come down bere!

- Come on down bere! - All rigbt. Shit.

What?

- This is bullsbit, baby! What is this?

- Wbat do you want me to say? It's a slow fuckin' night, boss.

All tbem farmers want is a quickie hand job and boom!

10 Dolla'!

Get back on their tractors, save tbe real fucking for tbe sbeep.

- Jesus, Candy, you gotta figure a way to book 'em in.

You gotta bustle that pussy.

Find a new angle and you might attract a higher clientele.

- Well, I've been thinking about that.

I was thinking about sometbing spacey like that "Star Wars" sbit.

You know, them losers wanna fuck Princess Leia, ri9ht?

I'd fuck ber.

Thank you.

- I don't know, you start messing with tbat spacey shit,

and you'll really bring out some sick bitches.

They all wanting to pretend they're robots.

Last thing I need is borny robots running around, tripping over shit.

- Droids... boss, tbey call 'em droids.

- Whatever. I still say it's risky.

Wong's Hong Kong Gardens,

tbis is Mr. Wong speaking.

- Cut tbe sbit, Charlie. It's me, Cutter.

I 9ot a serious meltdown going on down here

and I need a place to cool out, so I'm coming down.

- Fuck, man, I don't think it's sucb a great idea, you coming around here.

- I am coming down. .. now.

- Whoa, ho-- bold it! - Fuck.

Hold it!

Fuck!

- Man , I don't see bim.

Sbit, where the fuck is he?

- Jesus! Can we get over this already?

I mean , I just don't find it funny anymore.

- I don't know, it's still pretty funny.

- I'd say so. - I hate to be the one

- to tell you I told you so. - Tben don't.

- But ridin' a mechanical bull is not as easy as it looks.

- Technically, she had a pretty good ride...

until tragedy struck.

- Hey, tbe lesson here is

tbat tube tops are not tbe proper attire for bull riding , Olory.

- I agree witb you.

You gonna have to put a harness on tbem little suckers, honey.

- Her "tig bitties" were flappin' around

- My titties don't flap!

-They looked like two raccoons in a gunnysack figbting to get out.

- Ob, Adam , sbut up.

- Wben her top fell down , I was gonna pee myself!

"I was gonna pee myself!"

- You're just jealous 'cause you don't have any titties.

- Ob, GIoria, come on, no reason to get mean.

Come on, baby.

- You had one titty going this way

and one titty going that way. It was pretty amazing.

- Cbances are higb you made a few fans that nigbt.

- Ob, sbut up, dipshit.

- Well, I told Jobnny Casb, and he said--

Did you know I sbook hands witb Jobnny Cash once?

-Roy, bow about you go find me the ice machine?

I need a drink.

- I'll get you the ice, but you gotta promise us an encore tomorrow.

- Roy!

- You wish , honey. Don't you wish.

Tbe babies are going into seclusion.

The leader of this group who is

a local celebritY 9oes bY the name of Captain Spauldin9

along with two other suspects known as Otis...

-Aw, shit fuck, shit fuck!

- God , calm down. Get rid of tbe car.

Don't worry, I'll get us a room.

- Well, hurry tbe fuck up! - Fuck you!

- Fuck you!

Police revealed todaY that theY believe

most of the victims were dru99ed, kidnapped and sexuallY assaulted.

- God damn it! Fuck!

- Hey, Roy, I was doing some research on tbat thing I was telling you about.

- What thing? - Rodeo clowning.

Rodeo...

A rodeo clown? You been smoking dope.

- Yeah. I mean no, not rigbt now.

- Let me tell you something.

You spend one second in tbat pen and tbat bull'd bave his horn

up your ass and sticking out your pecker.

- Tbat's exactly wbat I tbought you'd say.

You know, you can never be supportive of anything I wanna do.

-Wbat do you want me to say?

That you're dressed for the part and headed in the right direction?

- Well , Adam was saying...

I've always been good with animals.

I mean , dogs love me.

And isn't a horse kinda like a big dog?

I don't know.

- No, you're not clown material.

- Forget it. I'm gonna walk on over to the gas station.

- You want anytbing? - No, yes.

Oet me some of tbat beef jerky.

- Tbanks for talking.

I could've been on that pit crew down in Nortb Carolina.

- Yeab.

Meow! Meow.

HeY, pussYcat.

Hey, got a Iigbt?

No, uh, I don't smoke.

My doctor says I got Iungs like a professional athlete.

- Ah, I get it. You wanna Iive forever.

- Yeah yeah , well...

- So what, are you on vacation all by yourself or something?

- Yeah , no. I'm actually out here with my singing group.

I do tbe lead singing for it.

It's called "Banjo and Sullivan ."

I used to sing witb Jobnny Cash . He sbook my band.

- I love famous people. Tbey're so much better than the real thing.

-Well, yeab, I suppose tbey are.

- I bet all tbe girls wanna fuck you.

- Would you say that again? - I bet all tbe girls wanna fuck you.

- Do you kiss your mama with tbat mouth?

- Trust me, fella, that ain't tbe only tbing I do witb this mouth.

- Don't tell me that! What? Say that again.

- That I ain't the only thing I do with this mouth.

- Let's talk about some of the sYmbols of these groups

like the inverted cross or the pentagram

or the number 666 left at the scene of the crime.

What do you think about that?

- This is not an isolated incident.

- Well, members of these cults realize they have no chance

attacking God directlY.

- So the next best thing.. . - Ob hey Adam , could you switch this?

- I can't stand to hear about this. - What do I look like, Roy?

- I'm Sullivan,

Roy Sullivan.

- Well, Roy Sullivan.

- You gonna take me back to your room and play witb me?

- My wife's in that room.

- Or is my brother gonna have to shoot

your fucking teetb out of your head?

- Okay, let's go, boss. Move it.

Just makes me sick to my stomacb to tbink

that we Iive in a world where there are Satanic cults.

- Come on , GIoria, it's a buncb of crap.

- I don't know. - Look at these two idiots.

Tbey're just exaggerating all tbis shit to try and kick up ratings.

They wanna 9et people scared so they stay at home,

buy Tv dinners. Fuck me running.

- I don't know about that. That business down in Ruggsville...

- Ruggsville? Ruggsville can kiss my ass.

Ain't nothing but a bunch of local cousin-fuckers

corn-boling the Iivestock.

- Could you just switch it for me anyway, please?

- Jesus Cbrist, I don't know how Roy puts up witb your shit.

- What is taking Roy so long, anyway?

- Hey! - On the bed now!

- Oet on the bed ! - Let me check my... all right.

- Easy! - What's going on here, Roy?

- Sbut up cunt! Did I tell you to fucking speak?

- Hey! Hey! Ouiet! Ouiet! - Did I tell you you could talk?

- Roy, what the bell is tbis?

- God damn it, look at tbat jacket. - What?

- On Tv.

- Well, fuck the TV. - Fuck tbe Tv? Fuck you!

Will you keep your bead on the business at hand?

- Wbo's in the shower? - That's my wife!

- God damn it! - Don't fuck with .22.

What are you gonna do, man? Wbat tbe fuck are you gonna do?

I wanna know what the fuck are you gonna do?

WendY/

Oet tbe fuck out of bere!

Don't hurt ber, please.

- Now is this everyone?

- Hey, Roy. Open up.

I got some of that Dr. Corndog's bickory-smoked jerky.

- Wbo the fuck is that?

That's Jimmy. He's our roadie.

I forgot all about bim.

- Baby, you all right?

- Now I know I can't trust you!

- I'll go.

- Hey. - I'm sorry. I got the wrong room.

I'm looking for room number two.

- No, you got tbe right room . Come on in.

- Is Roy in there? - Roy's in here, alright. Come on in.

Oet your ass in here! On your knees!

- Roy, help...

- Shut up!

- We're at the scene of a horrific multiple murder.

- No tellin9 how manY-- - God damn it!

Fuck!

...in the process of recovering the corpses

which are in varyin9 states of decomposition.

It's currently bein9 treated as a sign of a mass homicide.

If initial fi9ures prove...

- Come on , honey. Mommy has to get to work.

If I'm late one more time, M r. McDonnell is gonna can my ass.

- I am burrying ! - I dropped something.

Will you get in the car?

Okay, come on, let's go get in.

- Mom , a clown . -Yeah yeah, a clown.

Oh. .. bi.

-Hi. I'm gonna have to be taking your car today.

See, I bave some top-secret clown business

that supersedes any plans that you migbt have for this here vehicle.

What's tbat about clown business?

- Do I stutter, bitch?

- Jamie, get in the car. Lock the door.

- Where the bell you going? Damn it.

Don't you never turn your back on a fucking clown

when be's talking to you ! - Get your fucking hands off of me!

- What's the matter, kid? Don't you like clowns?

Wby? Don't we make you Iaugh?

Aren't we fucking funny? You best come up with an answer

'cause I'm gonna come back here and check on you and your mama.

If you ain't got a reason why you hate clowns,

I'm gonna kill your wbole fucking family.

All rigbt, now get your fucking ass out the car!

Oo on ! Yeah , yeah , yeab, yeah!

Sbit! Woo!

- Chinese, Japanese, dirtY knees, look at these.

Chinese, Japanese, dirtY knees, look at these.

Chinese, Japanese, dirtY knees, look at these.

- Hoss, are you staring at my sister thinking bad thoughts?

- No.

- Wby not? You a faggot?

- No.

- Well, wbat are you? I mean, you got tbis bot piece of ass

sbaking ber shit rigbt in front of you

and you're not getting any ideas? What do you call tbat?

- I'm a married man.

- A married fucking man.

Hey, that's just great!

Let's give him a big round of applause, folks, for tbe married man!

Come on!

- Woo! Married man!

- All right. Wow.

Okay, Mama, front and center, on your feet.

- Don't burt her.

- Get on your feet. Come on.

Let's go.

- Please, mister, this is insane.

- Boy... the next word tbat comes outta your mouth

better be some brilliant fucking Mark Twain shit,

'cause it's definitely getting chiseled on your tombstone.

- Okay, come on, Mama. Take that shit off.

Let's see what's been bolding Hoss's balls at attention all tbese years.

- What?

- What? Take off your clothes,

or one of these assholes is going to die.

Come on, come on.

- Shit, way to go, Roy! She ain't too bad.

She got a tigbt little ass on her!

- And she got some child-rearing bips.

Huh , yeah , bey.

- Please don't hurt me. Please don't hurt me.

- Here, ooh , Jeez. Roy, beginning to see what you mean.

Whoa.

- Please don't hurt me.

- You like this, don't ya?

Say "Yes, I do."

You like tbat, don't ya? Say "Yes, I do."

Yes, I do.

Yes, I do.

Yes, I. .. I do.

- Okay.

Okay, now.

Give me some sugar. Make it sweet.

Don't want me to tense up my trigger finger.

My finger's getting tense...

I want you to say, "You're tbe almigbty devil,

and I want you to make me my filthy whore."

Come on , say it. I know it.

I know you're feeling it. Say it.

- You're... tbe.. .almighty.. .deviI

and I want you.. . to make me your. .fucking whore.

You make me sick.

- Woo-hoo!

I feel like we're all really getting to know each other now.

- All right, Iadies. Me and the boys have an errand to run.

We'll be back in a little while.

Come on, hoss, move it.

Come on, shit stain ! Ootta go!

Come on ! God damn it!

- Authorities struggle to comprehend the grizzlY remains found

in what is now being called the most heinous crime in American history.

The 9roup responsible for these murders

is now being referred to as "The Devil's Rejects" bY the local media.

A woman known onlY as r'Mother FireflY"

was taken into police custodY todaY

after a violent gun battle with police

that left four officers dead and seven wounded.

I'm Derek Sanderson

brin9ing the world to Your doorstep.

- Open the gate.

Ma'am ...

my name is Sheriff Jobn Ouincey Wydell.

Let's see who we got here.

Miss GIoria Teasdale,

alias Eve Wilson,

alias Southern Betty Woods...

Betsy Woods.

And of course,

alias Mother Firefly.

- You can read.

Congratulations.

- Four counts, grand theft auto.

Five counts, armed robbery.

Wbat's this? Looks like your specialty...

17 counts, solicitation and prostitution.

You've been one busy whore.

I bet them old farm boys love you.

- Everyone loves me.

Don't you pretend ...

you don't fancy me.

- Ob, yes, ma'am.

I find you quite irresistible.

- Dobson. - Yes, sir.

- Put them books over tbere. - You got it.

- Ma'am , you recognize these books, here?

- Yeab.

Oh! Ain't she an angel?

- Well, sbe gonna be one dead angel when I catch up to ber.

You , your whole clan, you're dead already.

You're just ghosts, just waiting to expire.

Tbe way I figure it, only cboice you got

is to cooperate and tell me wbere they are.

Tbat way your little angel over tbere

don't bave to die like no dog in tbe streets wben I catch her.

- Are you done trying to scare me? - No, ma'am.

Witb God as my witness...

I have only just begun.

- Oh. .. Sheriff...

can I show you sometbing?

I'll need this book bere.

I did never...

get around to putting these in the book proper.

And I tbought...

you might enjoy them.

Oh. .. you know...

he was a real sweetie pie.

Tall...

big moustache...

bald head ...

You know, I feel kind of bad

about blowing his brains out,

'cause he seemed like sucb a nice man.

I think...

he said. .. his name was also Wydell.

Was he kin to you?

- Listen to me,

you gonna listen to me good.

I'm going to kill every member of your family.

I am gonna hunt them down like animals and skin 'em alive.

Tbey are gonna feel the pain and suffering of every last victim.

They're gonna crawl on their hands and knees and beg me for mercy,

but all I'm gonna have for 'em is pain.

You're dead!

- You go get 'em , Sheriff!

Go get your ghost! Them ghosts is 9onna

crawl right up in your b-e-e-e-ead!

You found yourself into something you ain't never getting out of!

We'll get ya! We'll... get ya!

We'll get ya! You're dead , Sheriff!

You're dead ! I'll see you

in fucking hell!

- Hey, boss, you like tbis son9?

Do you like this song?

- I don't know. Yeah , I guess so.

- Ob, really?

- Which way? - Take a right.

You like that Top 40 sbit?

I thought you were like some kinda

true-blue-balls-earnest-kill-'em country fucker.

You're notbing but a city faggot with a cowboy hat.

Stop here.

Okay, get out.

This way.

Follow the yellow brick road.

That's right.

Oo on.

You know, boss, if I'm not mistaken,

I think I can smell your wife's pussy-stink on my gun.

Hope it doesn't rust the barrel.

Oh , man.

You know, the stress of the day is really setting in on me.

You guys happen to know how a 9uy like me could relieve some tension?

Ab, maybe-- I think your wife Wendy, boy,

looks like she could relieve some tension.

- Mister, where we going? - Those little titties--

We're going down the road bere.

Tbose little titties, sbe's got a tight little ass.

Does sbe like it when you puke?

Is that part of your deal?

- Wbere you taking us?

- Well, I guess, it wouldn't do no harm to tell you none.

We're gonna go dig up some guns I buried out bere a couple years ago.

- Then wbat? - Well, tbere ain't no "wbat."

Tbat's the end of the road.

-You're not gonna kill us? - Killing sounds so permanent.

We did everything you want, mister, just let us go.

We did wbat you said.

- First of all, I didn't say anything.

And second of all, I'm calling the shots!

Consider me fucking Willy fucking Wonka!

This is my fucking chocolate factory! You 9ot it?!

My factory...

Get him , Roy!

Oet tbe gun, Roy!

Roy!

Please, mister, stop. Please.

- Stop. - Stop?

Bitcb, I have just started.

You know, I was gonna take it easy on you , boy,

but you brougbt this down on yourself.

You had to come all fucking-big-stick-walking-talI

like a big, fucking hero! You got yourself to blame.

Look at you now, bero! You're gonna fucking bleed to deatb.

- Fuck you!

- That's what tbey all say, "Fuck you !"

Well, it ain't gonna save ya. It don't scare me none

and don't make you a fuckin' hero!

Wanna see what happens to heroes, boy?

You wanna see bad-ass, motberfucker? I'll show you bad-ass!

Roy!

Roy!

- Hoss, I want you to pray to your God.

I want you to pray that he comes and saves you.

I want lightning to come down and crash upon my fucking head!

- I pray... Jesus.. . - Louder!

- Bless the bunnies, bless tbe little birds,

- I don't feel anything. - bless the springtime morning.

Ob, I feel it!

Ob, Great God AImigbty, I repent, I repent!

I feel the love of the Ood-Ood-Ood AImigbty!

Ob, the Holy Spirit is in my body!

I am the devil, and I am here to do the devil's work.

- Roy! Roy!

Roy! Roy!

You fucking motherfucker! Son of a bitch!

- I've got other plans for you.. .hero.

♪ I can't quit You, baby ♪

♪ But I gotta put You down lor a while. .. ♪

♪ Well, You know, I can't quit You, babY ♪

♪ But I 9otta put you down for a while ♪

- Shut tbe fuck up!

♪ Yes, You messed up my happY home, baby ♪

- Can I go to tbe batbroom, please? I'm about to piss myself.

♪ You made me mistreat mY onlY child ♪

- Excuse me...

can sbe go to the bathroom? Please?

- What?! I beard you the first time. I was just thinking.

What are you gonna do for me?

- What? - Oo piss yourself for all I care.

If you want special favors, you gotta give me something in return.

- What do you want?

- I want you to hit her in the face.

- What? - I know you heard me.

Oo abead.

Oo on.

Make it burt, no love taps. I want to hear it.

Harder, sbe ain't gonna break.

You better make tbis next one fucking count!

♪ Yes, when You hear me moaning and 9roaning, babY ♪

♪ Oh, You know, it hurts me deep down inside ♪

Ah!

- Oood, very nice.

Now you come bere.

Right here. Kneel down.

Give me a kiss and say, "Tbank you, Baby, I'm baving a great time."

- Tbanks, Baby, I had a really good time.

- Now make it fast, bitch!

Don't try anything cute!

Sbit!

- Now, what do you want to do?

Damn it, I knew that cunt would do something stupid.

Shut up! Open the fucking door!

- Open tbe goddamn door! - Okay! Hold it!

- Somebody help me!

- Wbat are you gonna do, shoot me?

Wbat did I ever really do to you?

- I swear I'll do it. I'll kill you.

- Why would you want to kill me?

I'm you're only bope, my brotber's fucking crazy.

- Please! - Wendy, it's all right!

Come on out--

- Go ahead , shoot me. Shoot me right in the ass!

Stupid cunt! Ain't no bullets in tbis thin9.

It's all fucking mind power.

- Somebody, belp! Somebody, please!

Help! Help!

Help me! Help me!

Oh , God. Help me!

- Wboa whoa, darling . - Sbe's crazy!

- Daddy, grab that bitch!

- Hey, Cbief, I think I got sometbing.

- What?

- This Captain Spaulding guy,

Captain Spaulding's a character from "Animal Crackers",

a Ma Brothers' movie.

- I'll be damned.

- Tbink it means anything?

- I don't know.

Tell you what, you get tbat movie critic over here. What's his name?

- Marty Walker? - Yeah, that's him.

Tell him to get his ass over here as soon as he can.

Tell him to bring whatever information he's got about the Marx Brothers,

particularly characters Groucbo played in bis movies.

- All right, I'll get rigbt on it.

- This sbit's just getting weirder and weirder.

- Shit, Daddy, I didn't think you were coming.

- I'm cool.

Where the fuck is Otis?

Not back from getting the guns and shit yet.

You wanna fuck witb me? Huh , bitcb?

You ain't got what it takes.

- He fucks this up, I'm 9onna kill that motherfucker.

- You believe this bitch bad the balls to try and fuck witb me?

- Coggs, nice of you to make it. Enjoying your meal?

- Wbat? I gotta eat.

My blood sugar gets off, I'm not gonna be any good to anybody.

- Ya ain't no good to nobody anyhow.

- Listen here, that movie expert guy's here. Wanna talk to bim?

Want me to bring him in?

All right, all right, I'll get bim right now.

Mr. Walker? Come on in , please.

- Sheriff Wydell, it's a pleasure.

I rushed right over as soon as I got your call.

You came to the right man.

I happen to be a self-proclaimed Marx Brothers expert if I say so myself.

- I'm sure your knowledge of bullsbit is limitless.

Wby don't we get to the point? What do you got for me?

- I got a fucking grocery Iist for you

of all the major Ma Brothers characters and related characters,

and I made a secondary Iist of any and all films baving to do with Oroucho,

including such gems as "A Girl in Every Port", and "Skidoo",

where Groucho played tbe part of God ...

Directed by Otto Preminger, who happened to be Jewish ,

altbough be played a Nazi commandant in "Stalag 17" directed by Billy Wilder.

Otto Preminger also directed "Exodus",

and it's rumored that at tbe premiere

Mort Sabl stood up, yelled at tbe screen ,

- "Otto! Let my people go!" - Oive me the damn Iist.

- It's ironic, don't ya tbink? Nazi, State of lsrael?

- They're all here, all the aliases...

"Rufus Firefly, Otis Driftwood ,

Captain Spaulding", all of 'em.

- Hey, Cbief, I'm thinking we ought to track down this Groucho Marx guy,

ask him a few questions, maybe be's involved.

- Idiot, he died last year. He died, didn't he?

- Ob God damn it. God damn it, see?

That right tbere is one sad , pathetic state of cinematic affairs.

If you weren't a cop, I'd wring your neck.

- Hey, let's take tbat down a notch.

- Excuse me! Excuse me!

This sneering, rotating, gyrating pelvis son of a bitcb,

he died tbree days before Groucho,

stole all the goddamn beadlines.

That goddamn , fucking EIvis Presley.

- What did you say about The King?

- He died three days before Groucb ...

- You ever say another derogatory word about Elvis Aaron Presley

in my presence again , I will kick the living shit out of you!

You get this Hollywood-loving pussy out of my face.

- EIvis is in Hollywood ! - Oet the hell outta bere!

- H is first film.. . - Oet out!

..."Love Me Tender", was based on an Irisb folk song!

- Fuck Oroucho!

- Ha!

Booga, booga, booga, booga, booga, booga, booga, booga!

Don't you fucking knock?

- Where the fuck you been? - Did you get everything?

- Ob, yeah , I got everytbing.

- You , mothertucker! Where the fuck have you been?

- Hey! You got a problem witb my time-frame, son ,

you best spit it out right now.

- Yeah , I got a problem . I got a big fucking problem, bozo!

- Well, make your move, laddie, two hits.

I bit you and your dick bits the fucking dirt.

- Old man, you ain't hitting nothing!

- Hey, cut the shit, we gotta get the fuck outta here.

What are we gonna do with tbis one?

- Leave ber for a maid to clean up.

- I got a better idea.

We regret to inform you

that tbe "Banjo and Sullivan Show" will be canceled tonight.

- Fuck.

- No, please!

- Housekeeping.

Housekeeping!

AY, Julio.

- Jesus Cbrist. What a fucking mess.

- 40-ton truck has a tendency of doing that, Kenny.

Listen , you mind getting one of your donut brigade to go over tbere

and scoop up some of that skull matter?

Put it in a bag for tbe meds.

- Yeah , you got it.

- Is that the Iady wbo found her?

- Yeab, the maid.

That's Maria Oomez.

- Sbe say anytbing?

- Yeah , a lot of things.

But I don't speaka no Spanish.

It's all mumbo jumbo to me.

Sbit, what am I , the mayor of Tijuana?

Got one guy,

CIarks, he speaks Spanisb,

but he called in sick

from what he calls "explosive diarrhea".

You mind sparing me any further details about your deputy's asshole, Kenny?

Señorita Gomez?

- No. - What'd I tell ya?

She's useless.

- Hey Chief, got a couple shit-kickers over there.

Says tbey're here to meet you.

- Recognize those guys? -Yeah , I know 'em.

What's going on , shitbeads? - Sheriff.

- Here's tbe list of names I need you to run down for me.

That's a funny-ass name.

- Look who's fucking talkin9, Rondo.

Just call me if anytbing connects.

- I'm sure it will.

Shit always floats our way, don't it?

Chief.

- You keep your moutb open wide enough , maybe you'd catch it all.

Don't fuck tbis up, assboles.

- Have fun scraping all tbem brains up off the road.

- See ya later, Kenny.

- This is bullshit. I trust tbat fucker Charlie about as much as I trust you.

- Wbere the hell you get off talking shit about Charlie?

- Hey, I know what I know, and I know I don't like tbat nut sack.

- Well , unless you got a better suggestion,

I suggest you keep your fucking pie hole sbut.

That is the only remotely safe place I know about.

- Hey, man, if anyone's interested,

I think I'm gonna be wanting some ice cream in about 10 miles.

"Hey man , think I'm gonna be wanting

some ice cream in about 10 miles."

- Don't you fucking imitate me! It's fucking rude!

"I know what I know and I know I don't like that nut sack."

- Fuck you ! - Fuck you!

- Two fucking seconds for tbe kid , is tbat gonna kill you?

-Yes, it is gonna kill me.

I have calculated the time and two seconds is

tbe exact amount of time that's a bazard to my fucking healtb!

- Come on , don't be such a fucking drag , I'm starving.

- Hey, eat this.

- What is your fucking problem? I'm in and out in two seconds.

-You know, I think I'm gonna get me tutti-fucking-fruity.

- Tutti-fucking-fruity, tbat sounds good.

Tutti-fucking-fruity!

- Shut up! - Tutti-fuckin9-fruity!

- Shut up! Sbut up! - Tutti-fucking-fruity!

Tutti-fucking-fruity!

- Listen , there is no fucking ice cream in your fucking future.

- Mm , dee-Iicious!

I don't know why you bave to be sucb a grouch. This is really good.

Here, have some.

- Fuck you.

- Tutti-fuckin9-fruity!

HeY, pig9Y...

Yeah, over here, come on.

Come and get it.

Yes, Mr. Wy-fucking-dell.

Piggy, come over bere and get some.

- Don't fucking move, clown.

- You Iooking for somebody?

George?

What tbe hell you doing down bere, Oeorge?

- I live bere now.

- No. You got that all wrong, George.

I mean , tbis ain't your bome.

- I got no choice, Johnny.

This here is my fate.

I cannot rest until this whole thing is over.

And I'm asking you , brother...

kill 'em , Jobn . End this shit now.

- I'm-I'm walking the line on tbis, brother. I'm walking the line.

- Well, Mother pin a rose on me.

That is so great.

I want these mothertuckers dead!

Kill 'em!

I'm sorry, Oeorge.

- Yeah? - Hey, I think I found your guy.

Yeah , a friend of mine, about 10 years ago,

he used to buy hooch from tbis guy out here.

- Mm-hmm.

Went by tbe name of Wolf J FIywheel.

Yeab, but-but his partner called himself "The Captain".

Sounds like the fuckers we're Iooking for, hub?

- Yeab, Wolf J FIywheel. That name's on the Iist.

- Apparently, now Wolf J

goes by tbe name of Charlie Altamont.

- All right, good . You know what to do.

We wouldn't be talking if I didn't.

- So is the shit on?

- The shit is on.

Fucking A.

- Open tbe door, Deputy.

Take the nigbt off, Freddy. I'll watch tbe prisoner.

- Well, well, well,

working late tonigbt, aren't we, Sheriff?

What's tbe matter?

Can't sleep? Hell running loose in the streets?

Or did ya just miss Mama?

- As a matter of fact, I was feeling kinda Ionely.

- I knew you couldn't stay away.

I got that power over men.

Women like me are a rare breed.

Don't you agree?

- Oh , yes, ma'am , I do.

- I ain't been broken, you know.

Men like that.

Ooh , you got me 9oing this afternoon.

You tbink you can break me?

You like it rough?

Ob, honey, you can bave it any way you want.

- I don't want it rough.

Oh!

- I like it bot...

and slow.

Hot...

and slow. - Mmm.

- Hot.. .and slow. - Mmm.

Yeah.

Oh God.

-You like tbat, Mama? - Oh, yeab.

- You like that, Mama?

I ...

- Yeab.

- Cbeck this place out.

- I know tbat ain't Cutter walking towards me witb that stupid grin.

'Cause I know I swore if I ever saw tbat dumb-cunt-

no-good-piece-of-sbit- mothertucking brother of mine,

be'd soon be a dead piece- of-sbit- no-good-motherfucking brother of mine.

Okay, everybody in tbe peanut gallery.

Simon says hands up.

- He said put your fucking bands up!

- What tbe fuck is this shit?

- You bring us all tbe way out here and this prick pulls a gun on us?

- N ice fucking plan , Daisy. - Just do it!

He's a crazy pig-fucking son-- - What'd you call me?!

- Well , if you give me a chance,

I was gonna call you a crazy-pig- fuckin9-dumb-ass-pussy piece of shit.

Oh , brother, you's a dead man.

Ain't that tbe most goddamn realest water gun you ever did see?

Oh , shit! - That was great, man.

- Sorry about that, it's just a little game we used to always play on folks.

- And it still works! - Hell, yeah.

- That's a fucking hoot. - Cbarlie, this is my daughter, Baby.

- My niece? - Yes!

- You all grown up. Give me some love!

- And you remember happy boy here.

- Are you still an asshole?

This is Casey, my most Iimber lady.

And this is Candy, my special lady

and my... top-earning gal.

- Wbat you looking at?

- I'm Iooking at you , mama. - You see sometbing you like?

- Maybe. I set my standards low so I'm never disappointed.

- Ob, well, I don't disappoint.

- Oob ...

- Fuck, let's go inside.

No sense standing around like--

Stone-foot roosters in a fuck farm!

- Let's celebrate. - Oh , yeah.

- You know, I gotta tell ya,

tbat is some catch-phrase you got there.

"Devil's Rejects."

What, you 9ot sometbing to say to me, clown?

Huh?

I bet you scare lots of folks, don't ya?

Yeah , you're a regular, fucking killer.

You want a piece of tbis, mothertucker? You want a piece of this?!

H uh? What you got?! What you got?!

Lord, I am Your arm of justice.

Lord, I am Your arm of justice.

Lord ...

I am Your arm of justice.

Your righteous sword of vengeance.

Let my blows be true.

- Oh , yeab, Lord bave mercy!

Wbat a morning.

- CIevon ! - Yeah , boss.

- You know why I come here to get these chickens?

- No, boss.

- Cause my brotber makes tbe best fried cbicken in the world.

- Is that right?

- Good morning , good morning, sir! How are you?

- How y'all doing? Good morning.

- Oood good good . What ya' got for me?

- We got these real cute barred rock chickens here.

- Yeab, I see it. - Oot tbem nice, long-Iegged ...

Rhode Island red chickens. - Rhode Island red!

- Yeab . - Oh , I like them!

I want a Rhode Island Red for me, all right?

Two of 'em. Yeah . - Rbode Island Red , two?

Now, y'all ain't planning on fucking these chickens, are you?

- What the fuck are you getting at?

Do you fuck chickens?

- Well, I have tbought about fucking some cbickens before.

If you want to have a good time and you need some pussy,

you can cut that chicken's bead off

and stick your dick in that ass of tbat cbicken ,

and that damn cbicken'II go crazy on your ass and go...

- Are you saying tbat I would cut off a chicken's head , put my dick in it,

fuck it and go "Ahhh"?

You accusing me of fucking a cbicken , mothertucker?

- No, I ain't call you a cbicken fucker, but...

boy over there looks sexually frustrated and ...

I don't approve of chicken fucking.

-You hear wbat he called me, boss? - I didn't say--

- He called me a fucking cbicken fucker!

- Go back and grab tbe fucking cbickens, CIevon.

- Here's five. - Appreciate it, tbank y'all.

- He's a cbicken fucker!

- That's all right, put it back there.

Next time, we go some place else.

- We ain't never buying cbickens from him again , boss!

- I know, I know.

You inbred ! Inbred!

- Wolf J Flywbeel?

Oet your mothertucking pimp ass over bere now.

- Who are you talking about, man? Who you talking to?

What's going on , Sheriff? What'd we do?

Wbat's going on , baby?

- You and me, we're gonna have a little powwow

about a certain Captain Spaulding

and bis merry band of assholes.

- Captain who? - You know exactly what I'm talking

about, am I correct?

- Hey, Sheriff.. . not in the middle of the street.

Ain't no sense in gettin9 crazy out here.

- I don't like no mothertuckers playing dumb with me.

Now, let me tell you the way it's gonna go down.

You're gonna make sure all three of tbem dirt bags are

present and accounted for tonight at midnigbt. You got me Charlie boy?

You understand me? Cbarlie! You got me?

- Wbat if I say no?

- Tben I ought to sboot your ass right here and fucking now,

you and that other ugly mothertucker.

And I'm gonna forget this conversation ever happened.

Tonight, midnigbt.

It's a bad day to fuck witb me, Cbarlie boy.

Hey, we got you this far. Sbit.

Without us, you'd still be swimming around witb your head up your ass.

- Hey, Cbief, don't sweat it. Have a beer.

It's all going to work out to your satisfaction.

- If I were you , I'd put the beer down and keep your mind on business

before business jumps up and bites you right in tbe ass.

-Don't worry about me, boss.

You'll think goddamn King Kong came down from Skull Island

and raped tbem a new fucking asshole.

- Hey, man , don't give me none of that cocky-ass-

yard-bird-pumping-iron-I'm-tbe-baddest- motherfucker-tbat-ever-Iived borseshit.

That migbt work on some Johnny Redneck bail jumper,

but tbat don't mean shit to me.

- Then I suggest you pick up tbe Batpbone

and call some new motberfuckers in.

- Dime a dozen , man . Fuck you.

- Fuck me? - Yeah.

Fuck you, motberfucker!

- Hey, hold it, hold it! We gotta cool our shit, here!

Look, you hired the U nboly Two because you wanted the best money could buy.

Now, you got nothing to worry about.

We're gonna get tbe job done.

M igbt talk a lot of shit, but we will get the job done.

- Now, bere's the deal.

I don't give a good God damn what condition they're in.

I just want 'em alive long enough so I can piss in tbeir face before tbey die.

- You are one sick fucking pirate.

- Hey, Billy Ray, your mama's on tbe pbone.

- She owes me 14 bucks! Oet down here.

- Better keep a rope on that asshole. -Yeah, I know.

Now look, O , let me explain sometbing to you.

You've been using a bazooka to exterminate tbree little roacbes.

Now when you hunt roaches, you don't blow up your house.

You send in an exterminator so he can ...

be crawls like a roach ;

He tbinks like a roach ; He has a little roach mind--

- Hey... you be careful

or maybe you get stepped on like a roacb.

- I'm gonna tell you something, brotber,

you bave got it made.

- Please, man, don't be fooled by the glamour.

I got trouble. Don't get me started.

- Well, what kinda trouble you got?

Man, you got bot and cold running pussy on tap!

- Man, dealing witb these greedy bitches

ain't all it's cracked up to be.

Brother, brotber...

Ah!

Go ahead . Pick it up, pick it up.

Take a hit on tbis.

Man, I got the best, mmm.

- Take one for me too, man.

- Hey, listen, you got a nose like a vacuum cleaner.

Don't do up all my cocaine.

- Brotber, would I do that to you?

No, you my brother...

- See? -.. .and I love you.

- All right. - All rigbt, baby.

But I love my cocaine better. Fuck you.

- Oh , man , that's some cold sbit rigbt there.

Well, any port in a fucking storm.

- Mmm.

Charlie, brother, my brother--

- I've been looking for you , clown.

Oob.

You gonna start the killing,

you best start it right here.

Make sure I'm all the way dead ,

or I will come back and make you my bitch.

- Bitch that, motherfucker.

Get up, bitcb!

- Stop it! Stop it, mothertucker!

- Ob, Fuck! Oh ! - Oet tbese scumbags in that truck.

- It wasn't personal, brother.

Business is business, baby!

You asshole!

- She's right, Cbarlie. You are an asshole.

Why don't you get on your fucking horse and ride?

All right, let's get tbis freak show on the road.

What the fuck are you doing tbere? Get the fuck up!

You know, I got to thank you all ...

for helping me to understand what my heritage is.

You see, the Wydells, they've always been vigilante justice.

Now, my granddaddy, he rode with tbe likes of Tom Horn,

killing scum like you for a living.

We've always been devil slayers.

Wake up!

See I tried to walk the line,

but now I realize there is no line.

We here, we are playing on a level that most will never see.

I know my brotber George, he didn't see it.

Maybe he bad a divine moment.

When bis brains hit the floor.

- Yeah well, maybe you will too.

I got over here some photograpbs

of every missing person within 100 miles of this shitbole.

Valerie Oreen.

Take a look at that, man . Sbe was beautiful, huh?

Hell, anybody'd fuck her.

This is wbat sbe looked like wben we pulled her out

of your little fucking torture shack.

Sbe ain't so fuckable anymore, hub?

Oh, yes, sbe is.

- Well , then you get to have this as a souvenir.

What about Mary Knowles, anybody?

- That fucking bitch is mine.

- No no, she was mine. I did ber, come on. Bring it onto me.

- Nah, she's all mine. - Baby, shut the fuck up!

- Baby, you want her, you got ber.

Fuck, fuck!

- Come and get me, mothertucker!

Motbertucker!

- You see this picture?

Tbat's my brother Oeorge.

Old George, be was a good man.

Very trusting.

I'm sure tbat's wbat got him killed.

Anyway, y'all take a good look at that.

Because that's the reason you gonna die tonigbt.

- Yeab, I remember.

Stupid fuck just like you.

Come at me like some kind of

matinee fucking cowboy idol.

All I had to do was point him in a direction and there he goes,

Officer Wy-fucking-Dell to the rescue.

Daddy!

- And I bate fucking clowns.

- Yeah, you couldn't do tbis all by yourself!

- I slayed me a devil just tbe otber day.

What you tbink? Huh?

See any you like?

- You Iiar. Tbose photos ain't real.

There's no way you killed Mama.

- No, Baby, they're real.

Take a look at ber rigbt there.

Take a look at ber eyes tbe way they are like that. She's dead.

You know what I did?

I took my knife and I stuck it in there real good.

And I kinda twisted it a little bit.

Kinda like fucked ber with it, you know?

Let me tell you , tbat old whore came

before I fucking took her miserable life.

- You motberfucker. I'm gonna fucking kill you!

- You gonna kill me?

You're gonna fucking kill me?

- Oet off me, fucker! - You take a good look at that, bitcb.

Take a good , fucking look. You were ber little angel,

her little angel.

That's why I got something special in mind for you.

- Yeah? Well I can't fucking wait.

If you want it, here it is. Come and get it. Come on!

From delusion , Iead me to trutb.

From darkness, Iead me to Iight.

From death , Iead me to eternal life.

Hallelujah!

Are you feeling it, brother?

It's time to end this little charade.

Look, you're free.

Run.

I said fucking run!

Burn well, motberfuckers.

Come and get it!

I can hear you , Baby girl!

I can hear you!

I got something here for ya!

Wbat's that I smell?

It smells like rabbit!

- It's me, Cbarlie, calm down.

- How could you do tbis? You ruined everytbing!

- Calm down , Baby! This is not the time.

Gotta get you outta here. - Daddy and Otis are still in tbe house.

- I'll get them , but first we gotta get you some place safe.

Now, come on.

- Cutter! Cutter, wake up! Cutter, wake up!

Cutter! Wake the fuck up! Wake the fuck up!

- Wait in the car and I'll go get tbem.

- I want to go! - Oh , just get in! Go on.

Stay put.

- Charlie!

- Run, Baby girl, run.

Run!

Run! Run!

Run run run!

Lord , I bet tbat hurts.

And I could hear that bone shatter from rigbt here.

What the bell we got here?

Hey, Iooky bere, I got something for you.

Uh-huh.

Oh , yeah, I got sometbing for ya.

Hey, get up!

Come on , I said get up!

- Fuck you . - I don't know about you ,

but I sure wish I bad a bullwhip for this occasion ,

but I found tbis. I reckon it'll do.

You like tbat? You like the feeling of being helpless?

At the mercy of someone wbo's as sadistic and deranged as you?

Not sucb a fucking party, is it? Doesn't it make you feel proud?

- Fuck you ! - Fuck me? Oh, no.

Fuck you ! Fuck you!

Tiny.

Daddy and Otis are still in the house. Go get 'em.

The nails! Tbe nails!

- Tiny! Tiny! Come on , man!

- Daddy!

- Baby? Baby!

- You're okay!

- Yes.

- Ow! Oh!

- You sure about tbis?

We'll come back for you.