All language subtitles for Ghosts.2021.S05E03.WEB

Pack that carefully.

It's a precious relic.

This is a travesty.

You know not what you do.

Just let him rest in peace.

A curse on whoever
is responsible for this.

A curse upon their descendants.

She's beautiful, isn't she?

The centerpiece of my new
farm-to-table menu,

the blue heirloom squash.

Grown from seed
right here at Woodstone.

Have you ever seen
anything like her?

Sam, do not leave that man
alone with this vegetable.

Jay is very excited
about the fall menu.

We really want to get
the restaurant back on track.

Yeah, and since
we don't have Satan

or any of his dark powers
helping us,

I had to do something splashy.

Nothing more splashy than

old squash.

Guess who just sold
four more tickets

to our first annual
Halloween haunted house?

Bela. The answer is Bela.

She's also forcing the
kitchen staff to work the event,

which warmed
my labor-exploiting heart.

I still think it's crazy
you're resorting

to a bunch of fake blood
and verkakte costumes

when you got the real deal
right here, baby. We're ghosts.

Yeah, but your guys' stuff
isn't exactly scary.

-Excuse me?
-Don't poke the ghosts, Sam.

Hey, I can move a Dixie cup
a little bit

if I try real hard.

And my humming can be heard
in the world of the living,

if the room tone
is quiet enough.

And if you wait until
Saint Patrick's Day...

Oh, why do I even bother?

Thor have the power
to harness electricity.

Strike fear
into the hardest of hearts.

Oh, was that Thor?

- Mm.
- See?

Bela terrified.

Tremble before Thor.

Hey, Bela, thanks so much
for taking the lead

with all the
haunted house stuff.

Yeah. I just wish the house
was a little spookier.

I mean, it's derelict,

that's good, but I feel like
we could use some more

creepy decorations or something.

Oh, there's a bunch
of creepy stuff in the basement.

We could bring
some of that crap up here.

Excuse you, sir. Crap?

Jay, it was a little insensitive

to refer to Hetty's
family heirlooms that way.

- Mm.
- Insensitive?

Her husband tried to kill me
and drag me to hell.

Come on, Sam.

You would never
treat me like this.

I'm telling you,
get rid of that thing, Sam.

Puree it, chuck it, just get it
out of the damn house.

Gosh, I love
a good haunted house.

The peeled grapes that
are supposed to be eyeballs,

the zombie brains
that are just cold spaghetti.

Oh, zombies are a trip, man.

Can you imagine being dead,

but still, like,
walking around and stuff?

Yeah, that's really
hard to picture.

Yeah, no matter what they do,

this home will never
be more frightening

than the scariest house of all,

the U.S. House
of Representatives.

'Cause of the dysfunction.

How wonderful it is
to see you all.

Hi, Nigel.
You're in a good mood.

Well, it is Allhallows Eve,

which means we can bring back
a ghost who's been sucked off

and I plan on
bringing back Chris,

the sky-diving exotic dancer

- who stole my heart.
- Right,

because he was sucked off,
as we all remember and lament.

Right, guys?

That is the story that I heard
and have no reason to question.

A-Although, um,
here's the thing,

and you might not have been
aware of this, Nigel, but

in order for a ghost
to come back,

the Living
who's doing the séance

must have an object
that the ghost

had on their person
when they died.

Oh, dear.

No, I didn't realize
that was necessary.

Yes, and we don't have
such an object,

so I guess there's nothing
we can do except just go on

with our afterlives
and never think of this again.

Oh.

What about the penis straws
the stripper died with?

- Excuse me?
He was gonna
pass them out

to the bachelorette party,

but then Sam took them off
his dead body and kept them.

-Why would she do that?
-I don't know.

She's a secret freak?
Stop shaming her, you square.

Well, this is outstanding news.

Yes, so great.

Oh, thank you, Flower.

Hmm?

Oh, I shall go talk
to Samantha forthwith.

It's been a hard few months,

but it appears my luck
has started to turn.

Flower, what have you done?

You mean, like, ever?

That's a toughie.

Um, acid, quaaludes,
I smoked a toad once.

No, I was lying when I said
that Chris got sucked off.

As you all know, he floated away
on his own accord,

and Nigel will be crushed
when he finds out

and furious at me
for deceiving him.

Oh, no. Okay.

I have to go find Samantha
to get our stories straight.

I'm sorry, you smoked a toad?

Yeah, but if I didn't,
he was gonna smoke me.

At least, that's what he told me
after I smoked him.

What's this weird
little clamp thing?

That's an elbow clip.

Well-bred children wore them
during adolescence

to ensure their elbows
stayed nice and pointy.

Oh, that's terrible.

Says the girl
with the rounded baker's elbows.

I don't know what kind of theme
Bela's working with here,

but this Egyptian stuff
looks pretty real.

That because it is real.

There actual mummy in there.

We were the first
in the county to have one,

which was very important
as the Vanderbilts

had just acquired the skull
of a pig boy.

Yeah, you can't be
out pig-boy'ed.

Jay, apparently,
that's a real mummy

in that sarcophagus,
that Hetty somehow acquired.

Well, that doesn't sound like
something we should have.

Still very cool, though.

We bought it from an
unscrupulous antiquities dealer

in the early 1890s.

Back then,
mummies were all the rage,

their wrappings
a popular cure-all.

-She eat his toe.
-Mm.

Thor watch. Was gross.

-People ate mummies?
-Oh, yes.

Never did much for my insomnia,
though to be fair, at the time,

I was consuming cocaine
by the hillock.

Whoa, it comes with a manual.

Ooh, are these hieroglyphics?

I got an app for this.

He pays $29 a month for that,

and this is the first time
he's used it.

"The Egyptian Book of the Dead."

Dope.

"Oh, thou Only One,
who shinest from the Moon,

"when Tuat is opened
to the gods,

"let me come forth
to do his pleasure

upon Earth amidst the Living."

Greetings. I am Amunhotep.

Son of Horemheb and Meresankh.

Oh, my God.

What happened to its toe?

- I'm sorry, what just happened?
- Uh, Jay,

when I just read that thing,

an Egyptian ghost
came out of the mummy.

What? How?

Perhaps I could shed
some light on the matter.

The mummy is gonna explain.

Sorry, I'm Sam. I'm a Living,

but I can see
and talk to ghosts.

My husband, Jay, can't.

Pretty hard "C"
on that "can't" there, Sam.

Felt aggressive.

3,000 years ago, when I died,

the priest who was
supposed to oversee

my mummification rituals
was waylaid,

and his replacement was not

what you would call experienced.

You got a second-string priest.
Continue.

The rituals were performed
incorrectly, and as such,

my spirit was confined
to my mummified corpse.

Jay, you better fire up
the ghost notes,

this one is a doozy.

Much later, I was stolen
from my tomb in Egypt

and transported
to a strange land.

A despicable family
known as the Woodstones

paraded me around like a trophy
at their parties and even...

...ate my toe.

Thor saw. Was gross.

Who is Thor?

Thor Thor.

Uh, how did you learn English?

I was unable
to see my surroundings,

but from inside my wrappings,

I could hear what was going on.

Slowly, I learned the language
of this land.

So, if you were to ever hear
the voice of a Woodstone...

I would recognize it instantly.

Their evil cadence
is burned into my brain.

If I were ever
to encounter a Woodstone,

I would take revenge

by raining pestilence and death
down upon them.

Well, good thing there are
no Woodstones here anymore.

What?

There aren't, Jay.
They're all gone, right?

-Yep. No more Woodstones.
-That is good.

Forgive me,
I have not asked your names.

Oh, uh, well, you've already met
the Livings here.

And Thor and Trevor,
and I'm Alberta.

And, um...
this is...

Oh, hi. Hiya.

I'm Marge, dontcha know.

I died at a costume party
in 1995.

So nice to meet ya.

Wait, why were you doing
an impression

of the cop lady from Fargo?

It was the first thing
that came to mind.

I don't know why,
when you encounter a man

whose digits you've consumed,
you panic.

Okay, wait, so this mummy ghost,
if he finds out

that Hetty's the one who brought
his remains over from Egypt

and that you're one
of her descendants, he's gonna--

I'm sorry, what was the quote?

Uh, "rain pestilence
and death down upon us."

That's hard to misinterpret.

Oh, where the hell
did he come from?

I hate this haunted house.

Gabe, we're not
haunted house customers.

It's Sam and Jay,
your employers.

Oh, my bad.

In my defense, I'm pretty baked.

That's not the best defense.

This isn't good.

It's only a matter of time
before Amunhotep figures out

that Hetty and I are Woodstones,
and then...

-Then what?
-I don't know,

but we watched The Mummy,

- it wasn't good, man.
- Wasn't good?

It was some of Brendan Fraser's
best work.

Plus, Rachel Weisz.

You want to give that review
another run, Pete?

It was fine.

Uh, it wasn't really my thing.

Okay, let's just talk this out.

It was a, it was a scroll spell
that unleashed him,

so maybe, if we do
a counterspell,

that'll get him back
into his bandages.

That's worth a shot.

Pete and Alberta,
you guys distract Amunhotep,

take him on a tour
of the mansion or whatever,

while we figure out
how to try to get him back in.

-On it. Pete, let's go.
-Are you mad?

Oh, Pete,
I was just messing with you.

Okay, 'cause I don't
even think she's pretty.

More like Rachel "Yikes."

Samantha, where have you been?

I've been looking for you.
I need your help.

Nigel's gonna ask you
to summon Chris the stripper

using the penis straws
you kept for some reason

after his demise.

I did not keep the penis straws.

Wait, what's happening?

Chris the stripper
had this package of...

novelty drinking straws on him
when he perished,

and I held on to them
thinking maybe

they could be used as evidence.

Then, when the cops laughed,

I thought about returning them
to his family.

That's a hard call to make.

"Sorry your son died.
I got his penis straws

if you want something
to remember him by."

Samantha, please,
just tell Nigel

that you don't have the straws.

Okay.

I can see this
is important to you.

There's more to life

than a couple of penis straws,
dontcha know.

Oh, just so you're aware,

I'm not Hetty.
I am Marge Gunderson.

A small town police woman

whose husband
paints pictures of birds.

Okay, Marge, this is crazy.

You look just like
my friend Hetty.

And that is mansion.

Before mansion, Thor live here
for many centuries, alone.

I have been trapped
in my mummified corpse

for 3,000 years.

They took my brain out
through my nose with a hook.

Okay, is not competition.

You know who else
looks like her brain

was sucked out through her nose?
Rachel Weisz, yuck.

I was just messing
with you. Move on, Pete.

If I could give you two
a little advice?

Don't waste your time fighting

because you never know when fate
will rip you apart.

What you mean, friend?

'Tis a sad tale, Thor.

My wife and I
were entombed together,

but then the Woodstones stole me
from our resting place.

Too rich to leave me alone,
too poor to buy the both of us.

Oh, that's so sad.

So, it's true,
there is a new hunky ghost.

I am Amunhotep.

Amunhotep.

More like "I'm-a tap that."

Uh, what is that?

Why is there a painting
of that woman Marge

who died at a costume party
in 1995?

- It's not, it's not.
- No, I don't think

that looks like her.

Marge? What are you
talking about?

That's Hetty Woodstone,
the lady that built the house.

-Uh, she doesn't know
what she's talking about.
-Yeah.

Yes, I do.
It's Hetty. Am I crazy?

That is Hetty Woodstone?

Uh-oh.

Okay, this one might work,

but it says that we need
an amulet blessed by a priest.

Is there any chance
that we have an amulet

blessed by a priest around here?

I don't, but I do have
a stuffed albino alligator.

-Is that anything?
-No amulet, sorry, Jay.

Okay, I'll keep looking.

Well, well, well.

Oh, hey there,
handsome stranger.

The jig is up!
He knows everything.

Oh, Jay, Amunhotep
knows about Hetty.

What? Does he know that
you're a Woodstone, too?

-What?
-He's also in the room.

Well, you got to lead with that.

You shall pay.
You shall all pay.

A curse upon you.

Oh!

What was that?

A 3,000-year-old mummy curse
descending upon us.

Seriously?

Oh, geez.

-Is that...
-Yeah.

It's a cloud of locusts
approaching.

Amunhotep cursed us.

They're heading
straight for the garden, Sam.

The entire farm-to-table menu
hangs in the balance.

You know, a part of me
can't help but feel responsible.

Oh, really?

I know I'm being silly.

Uh, Sam?

I know you got a lot on
your plate right now, but, um,

Amunhotep has reanimated
his mummified corpse

and sent it to kill you.

- Oh, no.
- We could source

the squash from elsewhere.

I mean, it's a farm to a table.

Jay, there's actually
bigger fish.

Oh, I'm sorry, bigger fish
than my heirloom squash?

Amanda, is that you?
Great costume.

No, that's not
the line cook, Jay,

that's the real mummy
reanimated.

He's trying to kill me.

To the crapper!

- Oh, we're gonna die!
- No!

Wait, we're ghosts,
we can't die.

Oh, but we could lose
our Living butler.

It might be centuries

before we find
another freak like her.

-I hate this.
-Why do we live here?

- Oh, good, there you are,
Samantha.

I have a rather
indelicate question.

Little busy right now, Nigel.

- Oh, God.
- Right.

Well, my thing
is rather urgent, too.

It's come to my attention
that you are in the possession

of some novelty penis straws.

Oh, for God's sake, Chris
didn't get sucked off, okay?

He flew away. Isaac lied to you.

-What?
-Damn, Samantha.

Ice cold.

I'm sorry, Nigel.

I see.

Okay, next Halloween,
we're going on vacation.

Oh, poor Nigel.
Guy's brokenhearted.

Wait, a minute. Broken heart.

Maybe that's how
we can get Amunhotep

to cease this reign of terror.

- What do you mean, Pete?
- Oh, that's right.

He said, when he was taken
from Egypt,

his mummy got separated
from his wife's mummy.

They had been entombed together.

Oh, geez, Hetty,

you couldn't spring
for the pair?

It was just very expensive
to bring both.

And, I mean, come-- two mummies?

That's a little show-offy.

You had a pearl toilet.

Jay, I think I know how we can
right things with Amunhotep.

Wait, do you hear that? Silence.

I think the mummy gave up.

Oh, yes. It's gone.

This isn't that scary.

Mm, well, just you wait.

I'm sorry, did you scream?

It was scary.

You knew it was coming, man.

Isaac.

I spoke with Samantha
about the straws.

Oh. Oh, what did she say?

She has the straws

and will perform the séance
straight away.

What?

Does that surprise you?
You knave!

She told me the truth.

Chris wasn't sucked off.
He was blown.

Sorry?

By the wind. The parachute.

Why did you lie to me?

Uh, okay, well, Samantha wasn't
supposed to say that part,

but yes, it's true. I lied.

Unbelievable.

After all you've done to me,

you couldn't help
but put your finger

in my bullet hole
and wiggle it around.

Thor trying to be fly on wall,

but must point out that

it seem Isaac only do
what he do to Nigel to be nice

so that you not think
Chris just leave you.

Is that true, Isaac?

Well, at the time,

you were still reeling
from being left at the altar.

Doesn't matter by whom.

You were just trying
to spare my feelings.

That's a bit of a surprise.

Well, it shouldn't be.

I care about you, Nigel.

I always have.

And your happiness
is important to me.

- Thank you, Isaac.
- Mm-hmm.

Although, it does bring
into focus the stark reality

that the man I thought
I shared a spark with

couldn't even care enough
about me to say goodbye.

Oh...

I'm a sad, sad little man.

You know,
now-now that I think back,

you know, Chris did mention
something about a return date.

- Really?
- Mm-hmm.

When?

-Christmas Eve.
-For real?

No. I don't know why
I said that.

I just don't like
the uncomfortable moments,

but I course corrected in
real time, and that is growth.

You need help.

I know.

The mansion was actually built

on the ruins
of a cholera pest house.

I'm just happy our story's
getting out there.

So fake.

Amunhotep!

Please, call off the curses.

Why would I do that?

Because we, the Woodstones,

have learned the error
of our ways.

I should've never separated you
from your beloved.

My husband and I were products
of our time,

but that doesn't excuse us
disrespecting

your remains the way we did.

Though, not to toot my own horn,

-there were nine toes
I did not eat.
-Hetty.

The point is, I'm sorry.

And we might be able to help
right this wrong.

Amunhotep, we can reunite you
with your wife.

Tell him, Jay.

We did some research-- there's
this thing called the Internet.

Turns out, you were
quite a notable fellow.

So notable, in fact,
that we found your wife's mummy.

Where is she?

She's in a museum in Egypt,
and you can join her

along with your remains,
if you want.

- I'm going home?
- That's right buddy,

and I'm gonna with you,
a-and when we get there,

I can recite the incantation and
free her from her mummy as well.

You and your wife
can finally be together.

Thank you. Thank you so much.

What's he saying, babe,
is he happy?

He's very pleased, Jay.

Okay, so he's gonna call off
the locusts and the mummy?

And the herd of rats
headed your way.

Oh, didn't know about the rats.

They were going to
eat the locusts,

and then prove to be
a much bigger problem.

I had this whole thing planned.

Now, Peter, are you sure

you will be able to memorize
this incantation?

You're talking to the guy
who does a word-perfect version

of Bill Murray's "It just
doesn't matter" monologue

from Meatballs.

What is Meatballs?

Oh, buddy. We got
a whole plane ride to Cairo.

We're gonna get into Rudy,
the sad kid.

We'll talk about Marty,
the camp director,

whose bed they hilariously
put in the middle of the lake.

Oh, and when we're done
with Meatballs,

we'll move on to the extended
Ivan Reitman universe.

-Can I ride in my box?
-Nope.

So, it all starts in
a parking lot full of buses,

where a bunch of ragtag
hormonal teenagers

are about to have
the summer of their lives.

Mm, yeah.

It was really lovely, you guys.

I did the spell,
and, sure enough,

Amunhotep's wife
came out of the mummy.

Oh, the moment when they
first saw each other-- Tingles.

Pete says it was really sweet

reuniting Amunhotep
and his wife.

Oh, I love that.

Hey, Jay, do you hope
we spend eternity together?

This is a "must say yes"
situation.

- Yes.
- There you go.

It was a lay-up,
but you still got to make those.

I will be sorry
to retire Marge Gunderson...

But okey dokey.

Say, you happen to do
a Philly accent?

Well, that depends
on whether or not

you can move that glass of...

- "wah-der"?
- Say more.

I saw on the boob tube
that the Eagles

-are gonna be good this year.
-Yeah.

Let's go throw, uh, batteries

at Santy Claus.

-You like that?
-Mm-hmm.