All language subtitles for Watch All American Orgy (2009) - Free Movies - Tubi

♪ Hey, hey ♪

♪ Wah, wah, wah, wah, wah ♪

♪ Hey, hey ♪
♪ What they talkin' 'bout nut ♪

♪ Hey, hey ♪

♪ Yeah ♪

♪ Hey ♪

♪ Well I goes the hardest,
I roll the hardest ♪

- I like that. I like that.

♪ Somebody hatin' on me ♪

♪ I smoke too much and I drink too much ♪

♪ I can hear ya but it's
how you sound to me ♪

♪ Like a whole lotta
nama, nama, noma, nama ♪

♪ Nama, nama, noma,
nama, nama, nama, noma ♪

♪ Blaming me ♪
♪ What is you sayin' nigga ♪

♪ Nama, nama, noma,
nama, nama, nama, noma ♪

- This a demo, huh?

- Well, sort of, not really.
Just like a glorified demo.

- Like the guitars in there, man.

- We ain't got no guitars in there.

- I like the guitars nonetheless.

So like I was saying, man,
this hustling out here

is just to get money up,

so we get into the studio
and do it official.

You take it from the
street into the offices.

You understand? It's the same hustle.

Then you make it all
legit, like Sug Knight.

Y'all called The Shit?

- Yeah, The Shit.

- Married to that name, man?

You want people negatively
thinking about you

like poops and farts?

Be focusing on your dope-ass
tracks. You know what I mean?

(bright music)

♪ Color me and know the truth ♪

- That's why I don't eat shellfish.

Or any kind of dairy always
makes my stomach kinda,

you know.

- Hey, yo, Glasses. What you need, man?

- Bottle of wine.

- Look like an X type.
You need some X, man?

- X what?

- You're a funny ass. All right, man.

- I, I'll have some change on the way out.

(Larenz and Half-a-Cup laugh)

- You see the ass on that bitch?

Just straight down like
a cliff, it's a drop off.

Ass ain't good for
nothing but taking a shit.

- Mm, all the bitches in
my class ass like that.

- That guy's gonna get in trouble.

- Well, you should tell him that.

- Yeah?
- Rehabilitate him.

- Should I sit him down
on the curb, read to him?

Maybe something from the Torah?

- Yes.

And then, you know, he can
grow two little dreadlocks and-

- What kind of wine are we getting?

Are we getting white or red?

- I don't know.
- I don't know what you get

for this sorta thing.
- I have no idea.

- Do you get, um, what's that, um,

that pink stuff that your
brothers always drink?

- I don't know. Just get whatever.

Just know that it takes
like two hours to get there.

- I know exactly how long
it takes to get there

because I MapQuested it, and
I had to write it by hand

because you didn't get
any ink for the printer

like you said you would.

- I was getting ready.

- I asked you on Monday.

Getting ready for a week.

- Oh my god, get this one.
It has a beaver on it.

- That's cute. That's really classy.

- Classy? Are you joking?

We're going to an orgy, Alan.

The beaver has to be like
the orgy mascot animal.

It's so perfect.

- Can you stop saying that word?

- What word?
- Orgy.

Stop. We're in a liquor store.

- Okay. Well then, what kind
of wine goes with penises?

Penises are meat, right?
- Yes.

- So I guess that means we
need red, so red is the answer.

- Well, it's all white meat,

so get whatever goes best with chicken.

- You're making this so sexy, Alan.

I'm really glad that sign is there

because I'm just fucking
dripping all over the place.

- That's really gross.

- Just dripping wet, totally wet.

- I'm just going to be polite, you know.

I mean they're (sighs)
they're your friends.

- Hello?

Hello.

- I'm over, I'm over here, babe.

- Really? You're on the couch.

You know what? That was the
last place I was gonna look.

- Baby, I'm resting up for our big night.

Kittles and I missed you all day.

He was just asking about
you. You know that?

It was his first words
ever. It was adorable.

He said, "When's Rachel coming
home? Meow, meow, meow."

- Aw, how cute. Kittles is a dog.

You starting early today?

- I had a nightcap before my nap. What?

Okay, I had two. I had two.

It was because I was
watching a "Law and Order"

that gave me some anxiety.

You know how I don't like it

when the bad guys get
off on a technicality.

That's what happened. I had anxiety.

- What happened to your rule? What was it?

Um, no drinks before sundown?

- No drinks before, no drinks before,

I don't wanna drink ever again.

Two weeks ago I told you I was quitting.

And then a week ago you told
me we're going to an orgy.

So how am I gonna quit drinking

when you're telling me
we're going to an orgy

where I'm gonna be naked
in front of other men?

That's a situation that requires alcohol.

- Gordon, everything
you do requires alcohol.

Nightcaps before naps.
Four martini movies.

Oh, what else you got?

You got, um, Drunk Wednesdays,
and the beer in the shower?

I'm going to read the list.

Here we go. Okay.

"Reasons to Quit Drinking,"
by Gordon and Rachel.

- Mostly Rachel.

- Hangovers, inevitable liver failure,

bloat, fatigue, paranoia, disenchantment.

Yellow skin. You have it.

Red nose, bad breath.

- My breath is amazing.

- The shakes, gooey eyes,

prone to drunk driving, slurred speech.

- Oh, baby, keep going.
You're turning me on.

- Impotence.

- Oh my god, look at this one.

It's so cute. The platypus.

- You are killing me. Do you know that?

You are honestly killing me.

- And you're sealing my vagina shut.

- Well, you don't like it,

you can go wait outside with
Heavy D and Little Wayne

and help them sell the coke and the smoke.

- And the X.

- Yes, and since you're so
intent on fucking your friends,

maybe they can act as a pimp.

You can use the gas money-

- Oh my god.
- To put into my car

that we're using to drive to the country

to fuck your friends with the
directions that I hand wrote.

Did you know that the platypus

is the only mammal that lays eggs?

- No, I didn't.

- Well also, it has a spur on
its ankle that shoots venom.

- Huh.

- It's not deadly to man,
but it's very painful.

Think about it.

- I don't, I don't know
what I'm thinking about.

- Okay, we'll get this. Good job.

- Mm, Gordon.

Oh, I have something for you. One second.

Okay, you are gonna love it.

I got you a new outfit for the party.

- Oh. Well, what's,
what's wrong with this?

Look at this. Come on, I
waltz in wearing my boxers.

That shows everybody I am
there to take care of business.

- Okay, I can see where
you're going with that.

But this is kind of like a, a nice,

you know, wrapping paper.

Look, pants too.

And then me and the
girls will rip you open

like it's Christmas morning.

- Okay, except I'm Jewish, so
I don't know what that means.

I know that you could tear it off me

like it's, like, the
third day of Hanukkah.

Or you could, maybe you
could spin me like a dreidel.

Or you could break me open
like a piece of matzo.

Or you could find me like the afikoman.

- Or I'm gonna go make you some coffee

and you are gonna take a shower.

- I didn't say I was gonna take a shower.

Do I need to take a shower?

I (sniffs) I'll take,
yeah, I'll take a shower.

I'll take a shower.

By the way, I thought of
something else for your list.

- Oh, what's that, babe?

- The shits.

I haven't had a solid bowel
movement in about a decade.

- [Rachel] That's a good one, babe.

- I told you not to laminate that list.

- [Alan] Maybe just get a cork screw.

- Why?

- Because they might not have
a corkscrew at the farm house.

- Who doesn't have a cork screw?

- Farmers don't have one.

- Okay, fine. Hold on.

(phone ringing)

Hey, sweetie. What's up?

- I'm just making coffee for Gordon.

He was a little hiccupy when I got home.

- Oh, I'm shocked.

- How's Alan acting?

- Uh, imagine Woody Allen
with a gerbil in his ass.

- (laughs) He's so funny.

- I don't know about that.

- Who, who's that? Is that Rachel?

- Honey, please-
- Is that Rachel?

Tell her hi.
- Hold on a second.

Can you hold on?

Uh, so anyway, we went
and got some nice vino,

and then we're, uh, gonna
be headed over there.

Are you guys leaving soon?

- Yeah, we're gonna leave once
Gordon gets outta the shower.

(Gordon moans softly)

- Okay. Well, I guess I'll
see you over there then.

Um, this is weird, but good.

- Yeah, exactly. It's
weird, but it's, it's good.

It'll be good.

I'm still so surprised that Alan agreed.

I mean, it seems so unlike him.

- I know, tell me about it.

- Can we go now?

- Can you hold on?

- It's a portable phone!

- Ugh, you know what? I, I gotta go.

Alan's afraid of Black people.

- I'm not afraid of Black people.

Just, just that Black person.

- What the hell's that geek pointing at?

(disjointed piano music)

(disjointed piano music continues)

- What time is it?

(lively music)

- You know, I need you to be navigating.

- I can't read your handwriting.

- So who all is gonna be there?

It's gonna be Rachel, right?

- No, she got crabs and
it spread to her brain,

so she had to cancel.

Yes, she's coming. And she's
fucking bringing Gordon.

- I don't like Gordon.

Why can't he just have
a drink, two drinks,

get a buzz, and stop?

I can do that. It's called discipline.

I bet he's drunk before
he even gets there-

- Obviously.
- And he shows up wasted.

(Gordon retches)

(Gordon spits)

(Gordon retches)

(birds chirping)

(Gordon sighs)

- Thanks, babe.

This is the kind that
always makes me sneeze.

(car door thuds)

I was vomiting out there.

- I know. I could hear you.

And I could smell it.

- I must've have gotten
seasick in the shower.

- Well, did you get it all out?

I really don't wanna be driving up there

with you barfing out the window.

- Yeah, it's all out. This was a good one.

Really cleared the deck.
Hit reset on the old liver.

What's the matter, your
friends can't handle

a little regurgitation?

- I'm sure they can, but
why should they have to?

- Because I'm like the fly
lately, baby. You know that.

Everything I eat, I just barf up.

Everything except your pussy.

- No.

- I can hold that down.

- Gordon, Gordon, Gordon.

You stink.

- What's the deal with Todd?
I can't figure that guy out.

It bothers me when I
can't figure people out.

He's like a, um, he's
like a mosquito or a-

- Like a jaguar, or something like that.

He's got like an animal magnetism.

- He's like a Jaguar
with AIDS. He's gross.

- How is he gross?

- You like that Pad Thai?

- Yeah. It's very, um, very flavorful.

- It's the cheeseburger of Thailand.

But you gotta wash it down good. (laughs)

- Oh, god!

(Todd laughs)
What are you doing?

(Todd laughs)

He says and does inappropriate things,

and he does them just to
make me feel uncomfortable.

- I'm sure he does it to
make you feel uncomfortable.

- Well, it works.

And honestly, it just
makes me feel bad for Tina

because she's so clueless, you know?

- Oh, my god.
- What?

- What the fuck? I mean, really.

Do you always have to be Judge Alan?

Like, I mean, is there not a moment

when you can just let
something be, let it exist?

- I'm going, right? I'm driving.

I'm driving eight miles
above the speed limit.

- Oh.

Look. We fuck like, what, once a month?

- Give or take.

- And when we do,

it's like we're recreating
past fucks or something,

and except with no, anything.

That makes me really sad, Alan.

So tonight, let's blow
the cobwebs off your dick.

Let's see if we can get our groove back.

- Groove?

- Did you hear a word I said? Did you?

- Yes, I'm listening to you.

- [Yasmine] Groove.

- Groove.

- Groove.

- Got it.

- I don't like Alan.

- How could you not like Alan?

- He's whiny. He has bad vision.

I bet he's one of those guys
where he takes his glasses off,

he looks like a completely
different person.

You know those kind of people?

My grandpa was like one of those
people, but with his teeth.

He would take his teeth out,

and you just see this
whole different face.

Like he, he looked like
a Muppet or something.

- Oh.

- I'm just warning you, this is for you.

When it's go time, when
it's time to do this thing,

you're gonna be shocked.

- Thank you, I, I, I-
- It's gonna be jarring.

- I really appreciate that, sweetheart.

- Thank you. It's gonna be jarring.

It's gonna be jarring.

- I bet it is.

- Yeah.

♪ I know the rhythm and soul ♪

♪ When you take the picture
and it falls in her lap ♪

♪ I now know ♪

- Are you at all nervous about the fact

that everyone is gonna get to see

what only you've gotten to see?

- What do I get to see?

- My wonderment. My naked body.

It's been yours and only
yours for two years.

- Oh, it's gonna be hard,
but I can handle it.

- I'm, I'm a little trepidatious.

I'm trepidatious that Gordon and Todd

will know what it's like to be with you,

to feel you, you know?

- I mean, people know.

You know, I was hardly a
virgin when we started dating.

- They're just gonna know private,

personal things about you,

just so you know.
- Like?

- Like the big mole you
have next your butt.

- Oh, my best feature?

- Chocolate chip. That's
my chocolate chip.

♪ Egg and shoulder, your tank rollers ♪

(window whirs)

- I farted.

(window whirs)

♪ Ooh the rhythm and soul ♪

♪ Get your fingers moving their sockets ♪

♪ Tune in Tokyo ♪

♪ You're just the man ♪

♪ The one I saw in Kazan ♪

♪ One of us went for the throat ♪

♪ Oh no, oh rhythm and ♪

- Hey!
- Amigos.

- Hey. How goes?

- Tina, you look so beautiful. Oh.

- Oh no, I was cleaning all day.

- She was cleaning so much,
she almost forgot to clean

the most important thing, herself.

- [Yasmine] Oh.

- I, I showered.

- Me too.

- It is so pretty out here.

- It's nice.

- Did you find it okay?

- We're here, right? We made it.

- Yes, you are.

- Is this place really
called Cummings Farm?

- Oh, it's my grammy and granpy's place.

- Oh.

- Oh, we were gonna call, uh,

and, uh, ask you if you needed anything,

but our phones kept just
dropping in and outta service.

- Oh, there, there's a Walmart
just 20 minutes down the road

if you want.

- It's like 25 minutes down the road.

- If you-
- It's like 30 minutes

down the road.
- We could just, um,

I could just grab my
bag and we can just go.

We can head into town.
- Yeah, yeah.

- Baby, baby. No, we have everything-

- Thanks.
- We have everything.

No, we have everything we need here.

No need to run off anywhere.

- I thought she wanted to.

- No.

- Uh, where are the kids?

- Oh, they're inside.

- Really? Really?

- No, I'm kidding. Come here.

(Yasmine laughs)

Joke.

- My, my grammy's watching
them at our house.

- Oh.

- So, the kids.
- Okay. Mm-hmm.

- Well, Todd wants me to make mojitos.

- Oh, I love mojitos.
- Mojitos.

- I don't know how. (laughs)

- We brought some wine.

- Yeah.
- And it's okay,

'cause it's, it's pre-made.

- Oh. It's what?

- Nothing. Nothing.

- Oh, okay.

I, I, I printed the
directions for the mojitos

off the internet.

(all giggle nervously)

- It shouldn't be that difficult.

You should see some of the Mexicanos

that have made me mojitos,
they were retardos.

No, with these two putting
their heads together

making mojitos, it's gonna
be the best fucking mojito

in all of Louisiana.

- That's a tall order, Todd.

- Come here, you tall order.

- Hey, um-
- Crazy.

- How's the, uh, the music biz going?

- Oh, it's great. It's funky fresh.

We just signed this new band
called The Future Babies.

It's like this real sweet,
sexy, like bump and grind music.

- Yeah.
- It's awesome.

I played it for Tina last night,

and she was like, "Is this Anita Baker?"

- They sounded like an old Black woman.

- I like Anita Baker.

- She's good, but they don't
sound like that at all.

- Did you see us on the trampoline?

- Yes, we did.
- We did, yeah.

- We did. You look great.

- It's hurting my balls.

- I mean, how 'bout that?

- When I was a little kid
and I was on a trampoline,

I could just do all sorts of tricks on it

and stuff like that.

And just little tiny acorns

would just stay sucked up in my body.

But now, it's just like
I feel it in my stomach.

- Getting old so they dangle, right?

- Yeah, like a hooker's earrings.

- Yeah. Are there any animals out here?

- There's some ducks.

And there was a goat, but it
got pregnant and ran away.

(Yasmine laughs)

I got it pregnant and it ran away.

- I'm gonna turn the car
off. I'll be right back.

- Kidding about the goat. I
was kidding about my balls too.

They don't dangle that bad.

- Hey, they're your balls.

- Not tonight, they aren't my balls.

Let's look at these tiki.

(insect buzzes)

(Alan groans)

- They look great, Todd.

- Yeah, they turned out nice, didn't they?

- They look fantastic.

- That's very nice.

- This one's really cute.

- You have a corkscrew?

- Oh no, I don't think we do.

My grandparents, they don't really drink.

We could go get one.

- Yeah.

- Babe, no. No, no, no, no.

It's all, it's all good.

We'll figure it out. It's no big deal.

- Just, well-
- We'll figure it out.

- Okay.

- You know what we're gonna have tomorrow?

Homemade waffles with
fresh-picked strawberries.

They grow wild here. They're awesome.

You're gonna go crazy for them.

- I don't think, I don't even
think we're gonna be here

for breakfast.

I don't think we'll be here for breakfast.

- Of course you're gonna
be here tomorrow morning.

What are you talking about?

You're gonna go ape shit
for these strawberries.

The kids picked them themselves.

- Tiki. I like that word, tiki.

- Tiki?
- Yeah, it's a good word.

- Yeah, I got these off the internet.

- I bet they have them at Walmart.

- Tina loves Walmart today.
Doesn't she, you guys?

- I do.
- Like a Walmart commercial.

- They have everything.

- It's a good place.

- It's so convenient.

I don't wanna be driving
around to 10 different stores-

- Yeah. Totally.
- To get what I need.

- They just have a lotta stuff.

- I can't drive around.
I've got two kids, you know.

- Look who's here. Last but not least.

Whoo! Whoo-hoo!

- Oh look, Alan, it's Rachel.

- And Gordon.

- Hey, Toddy. Looking sharp.
- Hey.

Yeah, it's a special
occasion, special occasion.

You find it all right?

- Yeah, it was easy.

I came here with Tina and the kids before.

- Oh, that's right, the kids.

The kids are great, by the way.

- Are they?
- Yeah.

Hop out, let me look at
you. I wanna look at you.

- Oh yeah.

- Is he sleeping?

- I think he's dead.

And this orgy just took
a necrophilic turn.

It's when you fuck a dead body.

- I get it.

- Oh my, you look amazing.
Spin around for me.

(Rachel laughs)

Oh my god, you are the bell
of the ball. I'm serious.

You're the prettiest girl here.

- You're sweet.

- Gordon looks all tuckered out.

- Yeah, he's a little
daiquiri challenged right now.

- Let me see your panties real quick.

- What?

- Just like a quick flash.

- You're so bad.

- Just a taste, please.

- A little taste.

- Of the hiney.

- Of the hiney?
- Yeah.

Boo-yah.
(Rachel laughs)

That's what I'm talking about.

Hey Gordon, you're alive.

- Yeah, just arrived.
- Yeah.

- Just arrived.

- No honey, you're alive. (chuckles)

You were asleep and now you're not.

- Well, now I'm sleep walking.

- Rachel said you guys had a
couple daiquiris on the ways?

- He drank mine.

- We had a couple blended
daiquiris on the way up here.

There's like a, like a, what was it?

It was a drive-through daiquiri shop.

It's right down the
road, you must know it.

- Yeah, I drive by it all the time.

- Right. You must go there all the time.

- You know, we have even
more drinks in the house

if you want.

- Okay, I mean, I'm
whatever. Yeah, I'm cool.

If you're having a
drink, I'll have a drink.

If not, I'll wait. It's cool with me.

Do you wanna get a drink?

Let's get a drink. You wanna get one?

- So Tina said you guys
are making mojitos.

- Yeah. News travels fast.

- (coughs) Mojitos are for fags though.

So what are we gonna drink?

- Well, mojitos are on the menu, yeah.

- Well, I want one.

- Okay. What are we having?
- Does that make me a fag?

- Yeah. You're a fag.

I mean, uh, technically, I
think. Or, non-technically.

Which one is it, Todd?

- Enlighten us.

- Yeah, you're a fag.

- Okay. What are we drinking?

- I'm gonna go, uh, say
hi to the wallflowers.

- Okay.
- Bye-bye.

- Oh my god, do you smell
that? She smells like cinnamon.

- I don't smell her at all anymore.

- Hey, guys. Apparently, I'm a fag.

- What?

- Yeah, that's what we
just decided over there.

- Oh, that's weird.

- My fucking god, honey, you look so good.

- Thank you.

- [Yasmine] You look really hot.

- Thank you.
- Oh, hey. Hi.

- You look so cute.

- Thank you. (giggles)
Oh, it's cold out here.

- Oh, can you see my nipples?

- (laughs) No, no, no. I
just got goose pimples.

- Oh, good.

- Maybe we should go inside?
- Alan, give me a hug.

- Hey.

- How are you?

- I'm good.
- Good.

- I'm good. How are you?

- I'm so glad you came. I'm good.

- You look really nice.
- Thanks.

- You're welcome.

- You didn't see me flash
Todd over there, did you?

- Maybe.

- That's embarrassing.
- Hello, hello, hello, hello.

- Hey, hey, hey, buddy. How you doing?

- Good.

- What is that smell?

- That smell is daiquiris, my friend.

And they're not virgin daiquiris,

but that's okay because I am not a virgin.

And if things go well tonight, Alan,

you might not be a virgin tomorrow.

- I'm, I'm not a, I'm not a virgin.

- Hello, everyone. I'm Gordon.

- Hi.

- (laughs) We know.

- And please, go easy on me

because this is my first time on a farm.

- This is really your
first time ever on a farm?

- It is. It is. And I, you know,
it's not how I pictured it.

It's not how I pictured it at all.

I thought there would be
more hoes and more pigs.

- I think everybody should
spend time on a farm.

I grew up here.

- [Todd] The gang's all here.

(Tina chuckles)
- Yes, we are.

- Hey, yo.

- What do you guys think of my new outfit?

No one's commented.

- It's very smart.

- These are new slacks,
this a new sweater.

Rachel splurged on me.
- Did good.

- I'd like to splurge on her. I'm kidding.

- Yeah, these are brand new. Shit.

- What babe?

- Ah, nothing.

- What, you forget something?

- No, nothing. No.

Uh, you know what? I had a thing.

I must've left it in my other pants.

You know, literally my other
pants, from this morning.

Uh, fuck, I don't have any bars here.

- Yeah, there's no landline.

If you need to, there's a
two-foot pocket over there,

down by the driveway.

- There's a two-foot pocket over there?

- Yeah, it gets service.

Right down there, down by those trees.

If you face-
- I gotta walk over there?

- Yeah, face east, go to the pocket,

and you might get something.

- [Gordon] Okay, I got it.

- [Todd] If you have to.

- I have to.

- Oh, tilt your head back,
that always helps me.

- Okay, great. Thank
you ladies, gentlemen.

Alan, I'll be right back.

- Gordon, where are you going?

- I'm not, I'm, I have
to, I ordered a pizza

and I forgot to cancel
'cause I'm here now.

So that wouldn't be very
nice for the Pizza Hut guy.

So I'll be right back, okay? I love you.

I miss you. All of you.

- Take your time, Gordo.

I got something to show them anyway.

Follow me, gang. You're gonna love this.

- All right, let's go.
- Okay.

- Oh, oh, come on.

(phone beeps)

(Larenz chuckles)

- My man.

- Oh, Larenz, it is good
to hear your voice, buddy.

Thank god you answered the phone.

- Anything for my best customer.

- Good, good, now listen. I
need a, I need a small favor.

And, wait, did you,
I'm your best customer?

- Yeah, for sure, man. (laughs)

- That's not good.

Um, okay, anyway, look,
I need a favor. Okay?

- What is it, man?

- I need you to come out and,

and bring me some of that stuff, okay?

And I'm a little ways outta town.

- You're a little ways outta town?

- 20 minutes tops.

- G, what did you do with that
stuff I gave you yesterday?

You didn't use it all, did you?

- Yeah, I did already. No,
of course I didn't do that.

It's, look, I got these new pants, okay-

- G, hello? Hello?

- Hello? Hello, Lorenz?

- Hello? Yeah, yeah, I can
hear you now, go ahead.

- Okay, so look, just
come on out here and,

and leave now because it's
gonna take you a while

to get here.

- You said 20 minutes.

- Yeah, give or take.

- If I'm gonna be driving 20 minutes,

you gotta make sure it's
worth my while, man.

- It's, it's more like 30 minutes,

but it's totally gonna
be worth your while.

- What the hell in the country

could possibly be worth my while, man?

- How do you feel about
sexually-liberated white women?

- Pretty smooth, huh?

- What do you call this thing?

- This is a chill-out tent.

- Chill-out tent. Is
that like an escape pod?

- No, Rachel, that would imply

that you're escaping something.

This is standard fair
for festivals and raves

and stuff like that.

If things get too intense in there,

come in here, you hydrate,
you reflect on things.

- Strategize.

- Exactly.

- It's an amazing tent, Todd.

- It's Scotty's tent, actually.

He took it to camp last summer.

- And look at it now.

It's got everything you
need for our purposes.

It's got hand towels, you got your water,

you got your latex needs
if you're into that.

- Ooh, um, is the
chill-out tent non-smoking?

- I don't know.

Let me refer to my lovely
wife Tina on this one. Tina?

- Oh, you can smoke in there,

as long as you leave the flap open.

- Gotcha, okay. All right.

- Alan.

- How many people can hang
out in the chill-out tent

at any given time?

- That's a good question. Two.

- Um, one more question.

Where does the chill-out
tent stand on abortion?

- She's teasing you.

- Oh.
- Oh.

(both laugh)

Oh, okay. Yeah, no
abortions in Scotty's tent.

- No abortions anywhere, ever.

- That's right.

(Gordon vocalizing)

- Hey. Whoa.

- That's the spirit, Gordo.

- Looks like someone
forgot to take his Ritalin.

- I think he took some Ritalin.

- Is that what it is?

- Todd, Tina, Tina, shh.

Can I get real with you for one second?

I really wanna thank you

for inviting me to this thing today.

It really means, it means a lot to me.

And it means a lot to Rachel too.

- Oh, don't mention it, Gordo.

I mean, we really, really,
really wanted Rachel to come,

and you're dating Rachel,

so it made perfect sense to me and Teeny.

- Do you think Alan's happy I'm here?

- Yes.
- Of course.

- Really?

Seems like he's been, I don't
know, teasing me or something

since we got here.
- No, I'm not,

I'm not teasing you, I'm not.

- Just tell him you're sorry.

- For what? I didn't do anything.

- Rachel, will you tell
Alan that he really, really,

really hurt my feelings?
- Gordon, knock it off.

- I'm standing right here.
- What? Be groovy, man.

Just be groovy.

If we're gonna do this thing,

you've gotta chill out and be groovy.

Or there's an alternative.
- What?

- You go back to Baton Rouge
and do math or whatever.

- Great.
- 'Cause I agree, amigo.

Let's go get some mojitos in us.

- It's not me.

- Yes, I'm, I'm good at math. So what?

- Two plus two, four.
- Let's go do math.

- I don't wanna go do math.
- Four plus four.

- I didn't come out to
the country to do math.

- Tina, you're mojito detail. Let's go.

- [Rachel] Tina, Tina.

- [Alan] So then you should know better.

(footsteps stomping)

- Oh my god, it is so beautiful out there.

- I know. And the air is so crisp.

- When the sun goes down,

you can see literally hundreds of stars.

- Who is this fine young gentleman?

- Oh, Scotty, Scotty.

- Ah!

(Todd scrubbing)

(water gushing)

(water continues gushing)

(water continues gushing)

- He has the most beautiful calves now.

They are just so cut
and smooth and hairless.

Just a beautiful honey brown color.

You just wanna take a
bite right out of them.

- Scotty's calves?

- Uh-huh.

- Yeah, they're sweet as balls.

- Oh yeah.

- Oh, Alan, we forgot
to bring the wine in.

I'm gonna go get it.

- Going outside? Can I come?

- So Alan, is this your
first time at the farm?

- This is my first time.
I'm a Cummings virgin.

- Oh really? You're an every...

You're, I'm just saying
you're an everything's virgin.

That's all I was gonna say.

- Will, this is the living room.

This is where we're gonna be tonight.

- No, no, no. We're not gonna be here.

Are you, you're joking. Right?

Because this is like

where my grandma would
have like an orgy with

after bingo or something.

And if we're gonna have an
orgy, you're gonna have like,

first of all, you're gonna cover every,

everything with plastic, right?

Because we're gonna get
really wet and sloppy

and there's gonna be like a slip and slide

and probably like lava lamps

and everything to create like a mood.

And maybe you're gonna
have like, I don't know,

what's the spinning ball
called, you know that thing?

- A disco ball?
- Disco ball.

- Yeah, yeah. Where's all that stuff?

- Is he being silly?

- No. Yes.

- Oh.

- He'll just keep going
unless you stop him.

- Well, actually Todd wanted
to get some beanbag chairs.

I didn't think so.
- Ooh, no, no.

Good thing you didn't.
- No, really? Why?

- I had one freshman year in college

and every time I had sex on it,

it would stick to my private areas.

Like the really sensitive areas.

It's like ripping off a bandaid.

- Oh!
- Yeah. Good choice.

- Thank you.

- I think that's hot. Why
do I think that's hot?

- Because she was 18, Alan. Very hot.

Tina, can you help me
find something in here?

- Oh.

- Tina, do you have any scissors?

- What do you need them for?

- The tags are still on these clothes

and they're chafing my neck and it hurts.

- Oh. I've got my sewing
scissors in the bedroom.

Come on. I'll sort you out.

- Okay.

- Can I get another one of them hugs?

- [Yasmine] Okay.

- I'm, I'm feeling it.

- Oh, don't squeeze me,
I'm gonna pee my pants.

- Oh, really?

- Yes! Todd, I'm serious.

- Come on, I wanna make
some lemonade for my party!

- Don't be an asshole. No, Todd.

- Did I get a drop?

- Oh my god, I'm sorry.
Oh my god, are you okay?

- Yeah, I'm fine. I'm into that.

You just caught me off guard.

- That was my first reaction.
(laughs) Are you mad?

- I'm not mad, no. But look what you did.

- I don't, are you bleeding?

- Sort of.

- Oh. Oh!

- Yeah, I like it. Do you like it?

- I don't even think
that guy had two eyes.

- Pee-pee time.

- Well, he had two eyes.
Just one didn't work.

- Oh.

- Oh, look at you two, all cozy and shit.

- I was just admiring your
channel selection, Todd.

- Yeah? We got the whole world in there.

- No, wait, go back.

- What, cartoons?
- Don't change that.

- You wanna?

- Yeah. It's a little monkey.

- All right.

- I think it's like 570, 575.

No? 572?

576?
- There you go.

- There, yeah.

- Hey, let me see that. Let me see that.

- All right, but we're watching cartoons.

- Just turn it up a little bit.

(batteries clatter)

- You guys can watch TV
on your own time, right?

- All right. Let's see.

I don't know why Rachel didn't do this.

I always take them out right
after he tries them on.

That's when I do it.
You're officially detagged.

- That's much better.
I feel like a new man.

- Oh, good.

- You're a princess. No,
that's not good enough.

That's not good enough. You're a queen.

- Well...

- Queen Tina.

You know, I, I think I have another one.

Yeah, yeah, that's a tag.

I didn't, I didn't know, but there it is.

Yeah, it's a big one. It's
right between my legs.

You wanna snip it?

- Oh yeah.

- Can you get it? Can you see it?

- Oh, I got-
- Can you feel it?

- Oh, there it is right there. Stay still.

- Okay, just take it. Yeah.

Hey, can you do circumcisions?

Because I think mine grew back.

- No, I do not.

- Okay, that's fair. That's fair.

You're really pretty.

- Thank you.

- I mean, you're like much
prettier than I remember.

This, uh, this farm
life. It's good for you.

- Rachel is so pretty.

- Yeah, she's cute. You
have this glow though.

This, this pregnant woman's glow.

- Well, I'm not pregnant right now.

- No, but you have been. It's
like an afterglow, you know?

- I guess.

- Can I rub your feet?

- Yeah, all right. Maybe we
should go back out there.

- Oh, whoops. Sorry.

Thought everyone was in here. Carry on.

- Ah, alone at last.

- We should probably go back out there.

- Okay, let's go.

(Tina sighs)

(birds chirping)

Oh, Todd, Tina is so sweet and motherly.

She makes me feel so welcome here.

Alan, I can't wait to do your girlfriend.

- Mind reader.

- I need a drink.

- Hey, Tina, they're getting
thirsty in here. Organize.

Would it speed things along
if these two helped you?

- Oh my god, please. You guys just relax.

Let us serve you. Please,
it would be our honor.

- Yeah.

- Oh, thank you.
- You're stressed out.

- [Todd] Fellas. Up, up, up.

You guys wanna smoke some shit?

- Hey. Okay.

- Are we leaving?
- No, but just so you know,

when this whole thing gets started,

I'm gonna need you to
keep Gordon away from me.

- What do you mean?

- I don't know. Cockblock him.

He's, he's not fucking me.

He's, he's annoying. I hate him.

- Well, what am I supposed to
do? It's like a free for all.

I mean, how do I do that?

- You're right. Fine.

I just don't wanna look
at his stupid face.

Um, doggy style?

- That's a good compromise.

- Yeah, okay.
- Okay.

- Shall we lock the door?

- That sounds like a good idea, actually.

- We can have a party of our own.

- I think you're so bad.

- Let's get naked.

(Alan choking)

- Are you laughing or coughing?

I told you not to inhale these, man.

Cigar smoke is three times
stronger than cigarette smoke.

- I don't, I don't smoke cigarettes.

- You should. It's cool.

So you guys having a good time?

You like it out here at Cummings Farm?

- It's nice. The air's nice.

- I like it too.

- It is nice.

- Is this a farm or a ranch?

- I don't know. You'd have
to ask Tina about that.

- It's a franch.

- [Todd] So you guys know
the full deal here tonight.

You know what's supposed to go down?

- I think so. A little this.

- Exactly. See, I didn't
know if you guys knew.

You guys are acting kind of like fags.

- I don't think I've been acting gay.

- You gotta put the vibe out there more.

You gotta let it fester.

You know what I've been doing all that?

I've been letting it linger

with the eye contact on the
girls, making little comments.

Remember like when I said I
was gonna splurge on Rachel?

- I did.

- Todd, I took my pants
off in front of your wife.

- You did? Nice work, Gordo.

- Thank you.

- So ladies, what do we
think about all this?

- Well, I think we just
make one round of these

and then switch to wine.

- No, I mean tonight. Like all of this.

What do you think?

- Well, Todd really
wants it to be special.

- I know, with the torches and the tent

and the specialty drinks.

It's so cute.

- I just, I don't wanna disappoint
him. He's worked so hard.

He really has. I've never
seen him so focused.

Just, it's weird for me, you know?

I grew up here, spent my childhood here.

- I'm not trying to bail out or anything.

- It's all right if you want to.

- No, I'm just saying
we're kind of at point A.

We need to be at point Z, you know?

We should just be naked
when they get back in.

- That'd be so funny.
Like, "Oh my god, hey."

We need to stop being Charlottes

and go full on Samanthas.

I'm sick of this.
- Yes.

I agree.

- You know, I don't think Todd

wants to just jump
right into it like that.

- He doesn't?

- No, it's-
- Oh really?

- No, he's got all kinds
of talking points to,

to go through.

- Like rules, guidelines? I don't...

- Chitchat.

- Weird.

- Like icebreakers.

- Okay.

- You know, games. It'll be fun.

- I had Yasmine almost pissing her pants

from my nads over there by the cars.

- Why? Why was she pissing her pants?

- We went out to go get the wine

and I gave her a big, huge bear hug.

And she grinded her pussy
bones so deep into my guts

I almost shit my pants.

- Yeah, she's a whore.

I've been giving her
the, uh, fuck you eyes.

You know, like this.

- But like the nice ones.

- Yeah, and she's giving me like.

I'm like, "Fuck," and now she's come,

she's kind of coming back now
with a little bit like, "Fuck?

Fuck?" And I'm like, "Fuck."

And she's, she's starting
to, every time I, I see her,

I catch her looking at me like, "Fuck."

- I've noticed that. See,
he's doing a good job.

You gotta treat the sluts like sluts,

and then we can get in their butts.

I wrote that.

- I'm making, I'm making Rachel laugh.

And I got her alone in
the, in the TV room.

- She'll laugh at anything, man.

- Yeah, pussies don't laugh.

You're hilarious and all,

but sitting on the couch,
watching TV, making jokes.

That's not gonna help
us. That's gonna hurt us.

- That's hurting?

- You need to be sexy.

Undo a couple buttons on that shirt.

Maybe take those glasses off.

- No, you should keep those on, Todd.

- Oh yeah, put those back on.

- You can take them off when we fuck.

Unless you got like those Kurt Rambis,

kinda like NBA, just, like,
wrap around, like, googles.

- Like when I, no, no, no.

- Just in case anyone
of them are squirters.

Are they squirters?

- One of them might be.
I'm not telling who though.

- Oh, are either of you on your cycles?

- Just finished.

- Mine's about to start.

I'm willing it away for one more night.

- Oh, well if it happens, it happens.

There's nothing you can do about that.

- Gordon likes feet.
He just, he loves feet.

He could be face down, dead drunk,

and if I just stick my big toe
right near his mouth, boing.

- Ew. God.
- Yeah, I know.

- That's nasty.

- It feels amazing.

- Well...
- Yeah.

- But you have nice feet.

- You have nice feet.

- No, I don't. I was a
dancer, so my shit's gnarled.

- Todd likes the butt.

- What?

- Todd likes the butt.

- Mm-mm, mm-mm. I don't do ass play.

I don't.

We're gonna have to really,

you know, lay down the guidelines.

That's a good idea.

- All right, well, you, you tell him that,

'cause he'll make a beeline right for it.

- Ugh.

- I'm not opposed to a finger tip,

finger in there sometimes.

- You know, we're married
so he bought the cow.

He can do whatever he wants, rightfully.

Um, honey, this is parsley.

- Did I do that?

- I think you did.

- Darn it.

- It's okay.
- We've got, we have wine.

- I, I prefer wine.

- I like wine better.
- I like wine better.

- It's a better buzz.
Do you have a corkscrew?

- No.

- Okay, best pussy you ever had.

- It's hard to believe,
I know, but it is Rachel.

- Yeah, honestly, I think it's,

I can't even remember
anything before Yasmine.

- You guys can't pick your
girlfriends for best pussy ever.

God, you guys.

- How's Tina?

- Tina?
- Yeah.

- Tina's pussy is terrific.

- Ah. See?

- It is just like fucking...

- That's awesome. I knew it.

- You know what? It's wrecked.

I can't recommend it.

You know, she's had a couple
of kids and they came out,

and they must have been really
moving their heads around,

'cause that thing is loose as a goose.

- If I ever got a girl pregnant

and I was gonna keep fucking her,

I'd cut her up, take the baby.

- She's a great mom, she's a good kisser,

but, um, you know, her butt still works.

- Ah.
- Her butt's great.

But I gotta space that out
'cause I'm married to her.

And if that thing goes, I'm kinda fucked.

- Just push it.

- I'm doing it.
- I'll hold the bottom.

- I'm scared it's gonna break.

- If it breaks-
- You got it,

you got it, you got it.

- [Tina] It's moving. It's moving.

- Do it.
- Oh yes.

- You got it, you got it.

- Oh no.
- I got it, I got it,

I got it, I got it.

No, I got it. Here we go.

- Hold the bottle.

- Yay!

- Oh my god, that was so scary.

- It splashed on me.

- Don't waste a drop. Lick it up.

- [Yasmine] Whoo!

- You know what?
- What?

- I like you, Alan.

I'm gonna give you
green on Rachel's pussy.

- What is that? What's green on the pussy?

- Because I think you're
gonna be MVP tonight.

Most valuable penis.

- Oh.

- There's something inside of you Alan.

There's something inside
of you waiting to get out.

- Well, after he gets out,
put it back in tomorrow.

Shouldn't stay there.

- You gotta fester the vibe though.

You gotta fester the vibe
like a herpe in the sun.

- Okay. Sounds painful, but if it works.

- This cigar's making me really nauseous.

- You guys suck at smoking cigars.

- Yes we do.

- I need a drink.

- Could have been fun.

They're not Cuban, but they're,

I got them at the gas station.

- Oh.

♪ Nah, it's whatever, it's
whatever in that sub, what ♪

♪ Nah, it's whatever, it's
whatever in that third, what ♪

♪ Nah, it's whatever, it's
whatever in that sub, what ♪

♪ Now gon' crank the
slack, roll the pack ♪

♪ Power ♪

- Love of my life, apple of my eye.

It is good to hold you again.

- Of course.

- Whew, you guys smell
like a cigar factory.

- Baby, what's this? I thought
we were gonna have mojitos.

- We had to improvise.

- The wine attacked
Tina. It was hilarious.

- I suddenly feel really tired.

- Hey, look alive. I'll
be right back, everybody.

- Where, where are you going?

- I gotta go, uh, torch the tikis.

- Is that code for something?

- Yeah, I can do it by myself.

- Anybody mind if I lock the door now?

- Please.

- Yeah, that's what Yaz was saying earlier

when you guys were outside.

(Tina laughs)

(lighter clicks)

- Hey, Tina, do you have any cheese?

Sounds good, right?
- That sounds good.

- That would be so good, yeah.

- Yeah, cheese and wine.

I love wine and cheese.
It gives me a boner.

- I think I got some
Kraft singles and some-

- Oh, perfect.
- Saltines.

That'll do.

- It's like a, a Lunchable for alcoholics.

- Totally. It's like cheese,
wine, crackers, sardines.

- Served in every boxcar
across the country.

- You two love being ironic.

- That's not what irony is.

- We disagree.

- Let's get the party started!

Where's my liquid courage?

- What is that smell?

- Uh, that's tiki juice.
A tiki torch attacked me.

- Phase two, everybody. Phase two.

Everybody in the living room.

- Okay.

- You're in phase two, Alan.

Hey babe, I gotta piss,

but do you have that Future Babies demo?

- Did you bring it?

- I told you to bring it.

- You did?

- Yeah.

- I probably did then.

- Good. We need the slow jams.

- [Tina] All right.

- Alan, Todd was just telling me

how cute he thinks you look tonight.

- No he wasn't.

- Those were not his exact words.

He said, what was it? "Alan is adorable.

Like a little pig fetus."

- Can you cut it out?

Can you stop it? Seriously.

- [Gordon] That's what he said.

- Why? I don't even know
where it's coming from.

- I don't know. Watch your back.

- Watch? Oh, do you wanna
go outside and step?

What? What?

Stop it. Don't support it.

- I'm not.

- You are.

- Bubby, I love you.

- Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't know it.

- Say you love me. Don't you love me?

Tell me.

- I love you.
- Are you embarrassed?

Say it louder. Nobody can hear you.

- I love you.

- I love you too.

- Yasmine, may I suckle on your tootsies?

- Creepy.

- Tina, baby. Why aren't
you bumping the FBs?

- I couldn't find it.

- Oh, well, we'll talk about that later.

Everybody, down on the ground.
Phase two Indian style.

- What happened to phase one?

- We skipped it. Alan,
you look good tonight.

Okay, what we're gonna do

is we're gonna go around in a circle

and we're gonna say our
least favorite body part.

- Why would we wanna do that?

- Alan, come on, man.

- Fester. Sorry, fester.

- What? Uncle Fester?

- We're getting older

and things may not be
what they used to be.

We might have some bodily insecurities.

So let's own up to them.
Let's put them out there.

That way, when we're naked and fucking,

we'll be free, we'll be so free.

- I think that's a good idea, Todd.

- Thank you. I thought of it.

All right. First up, Gordonius.

- Mm.

Actually you can skip me

'cause I'm just gonna be taking my penis

and just sliding it through the pants hole

and doing what I gotta do.

- Gordon, be groovy.
- Who's next?

- Be groovy, remember? Be groovy or leave.

- All right, fine. You want the truth?

It's embarrassing. I don't like my penis.

- Why not?

- Too big.

- Oh.

- It's, I mean, it's really big.

It's not even fun. It's
cumbersome, it's gigantic.

- That's awesome.

- Well, it's awesome sometimes, Todd,

but basically it's my cross to bear.

- Don't worry, sweetheart,
I never noticed.

- Oh, come on, that's not funny.

She's lying, she's lying.

- Hey.
- She's lying.

- Be nice.

Okay. Rachel, do your worst.

- My vagina lips.

They're just, they're too lippy.

- Does it talk?

- No, nothing like that.

It's just, uh, I don't know.

I, I want it more tucked
in. You know, more compact.

- I have noticed that.

- It's not like "Night of the Living Dead"

down there or anything.

It's, it's just, it's voluptuous.

It's fine. I'm being stupid.

You know it's funny though.

Um, I was at work and I was
looking up on those websites

about vaginal rejuvenation.

- I've been on those.

- Uh, my boss comes up to me
the next day and he's all,

"Rachel, we are monitoring
all the websites

that our employees go to."

And I was like, "Ah! Oh
no, he's looking at me."

I swear to god, right down there.

- Like, "Rachel, could
you come into my office

and remove your pussy lips from my desk?

Thank you."

- Precisely. Were you there?

- That was very brave of you, Rachel.

- The cat was about to
be out of the bag, so.

- So to speak.

- So to speak, yes.

- All right, well, thank
you. That brings us to Alan.

- Oh, can I do him?

- No, this is person specific.

- I seriously don't spend much time

thinking about this kinda stuff.

Truly, I just play the
hand that I was given.

- Your nipples.

- What?

- They look like pepperonis.

Like big pink, fleshy,
very thick pepperonis.

- They do not.

- Face the truth, Alan. Pepperoni nipples.

- Like little pig noses.
Like a pig fetus nose.

- Thank you for sharing
that with everybody

before you shared it with me.

That's great.
- I didn't know how long

the whole, you know, play
the hand I was given speech

was gonna go, so.

- I was done.

- [Yasmine] I didn't know.

- It's okay.
- Okay.

- My nipples. Todd, you got that?

- You're gonna go with nipples?

- [Alan] Yep.

- All right, we got fat dicks,

fat pussies, and fat fucking nipples.

So far so good.

Whoo! Yasmine.

- She has a big mole next to her asshole.

- Alan!
- She does,

and they're all gonna see it.

Everyone's gonna see it.
- That is not something

I ever see or even knew I had.

And the only reason I did see it

is because you forced me to
look at it in a fucking mirror.

- Because it becomes cancerous
if you don't check on it.

- Cancer ass.

- It runs in my family.
- A mole by my asshole

is not something that was
keeping me up at night until now.

- Alan, I'm glad you
told us. Thank you, Alan.

Thank you. Cheers.

I would've thought it was,

I would've thought it was poop.

- I'm not talking about this.

So, Todd, my nose. My snozz.

It looks like I could
lead the Jews with this.

- Are your boogers kosher?

- I don't know. You wanna try them?

- May I try your feet first?

- Gross.

- Okay, so not the mole on your ass,

but the nose on your face.

I like it. All right.

That leads us to Tina.
My beautiful wife, Tina.

Can you think of anything? Doubt it.

- Well, I've had kids,
so I have stretch marks.

And on my stomach and on
my butt and on my boobs.

And, um, just my boobs just, they like,

when I bend over, it's like,

there's like got, it's
like they're scooped out.

Like they just hang down like, like tubes.

And it scares me when I look at it.

I try not to look at it
at all. I don't like it.

Um, chicken arms.
- No, you don't.

It doesn't look like that.

- It's all right. I don't, don't mind.

That's what I'd say.

I have the, like-

- You don't.
- Chicken arms.

(Tina imitates chicken clucking)

- That's like four.

- I guess. Or my hair.

'Cause I can't do anything
with my hair. I really can't.

I, I just, I don't know. I
don't know how to fix it.

Doesn't hold a curl, you know. Um, no.

Like wrinkles around my eyes.

Crow's feet, they call them, you know?

I got those. Right?

- Right.
- Yeah.

- And, um, oh, my feet. Duh, my feet.

That would be it, would be my feet.

- That's the one, your feet.

- He's always telling me my feet

'cause I have feet like a cave woman.

They're just hard, hard, hard.

Like you could hear me
walking from down the street.

- Like a tap dancer. What?

- Tina, you have beautiful feet.

- You haven't felt them.

My thighs are getting really big too.

- Babe, baby, fuck. Pick one.

- Well, it's your game.

- It's not a game. It's a
conversational icebreaker.

And you're making us all sick.

- Jesus, Todd. Tina, you're beautiful.

- You're not making me sick,
Tina. You're turning me on.

Let me get those feet in my mouth.

Oh, get it, get it, get it, get it.

- Okay, Todd, it's your turn.

So what ghastly delights
do you have under there?

- Well, I was not trying to skip myself,

but I have HPV,

human pampillomavirus.

- Papilloma.

- Papilloma's virus. Tina has it too.

We have it. It's just like a
couple of bumps on my dick.

- Almost everyone has it.

- I don't.

- I do not have a couple
of bumps on my dick.

- Nope.
- Not me.

- Really? Because one
in three people have it.

So one of you or two of
you have gotta be lying.

- They said they don't have it.

- You're telling me
that we're 30 years old,

we've been fucking for 20 years,

and no one's got HPV in this room?

- You've been fucking since you were 10?

- Yeah.

- I have it.

- She gave it to me.

- No, I didn't.

- I have it.

- Yeah, I do too,

but like, I don't have
like herpes or anything.

- Hey, no one said
anything about that shit.

- [Alan] No.

- Whoo! Well, that was fun.

All right.

Doesn't everyone feel better now?

- No.
- More secure, more free?

All right. Speaking of free, phase three.

Conversational couple swap.

This is what we're gonna do.

Everyone is gonna pair off

with someone who's not
their significant other.

Go to a secluded area and
just conversate. 15 minutes.

No fucking, no sucking, no
ass eating, none of that.

- [Rachel] All right.

- All right?

- Okay.
- Okay.

- Who wants who?
- Hi, Rachel.

- I'll have Todd. That's fine.

- All right. Break.

- Hey, yo, my man.

- What's up, dog?

- Know where Cummings Farm,

Cummings Ranch or
something like that is at?

- Cummings Farm?

- Yeah, that's it.

- It's right up here on the right.

About 18, 18 1/2 miles.

- Cool, I'm going the
right way. All right.

- You know Old Man Cummings?

- Yeah, something like that. Yeah, yeah.

- Man, when I was a kid

I used to go out there
and pick strawberries

to stack a little scrilla
during the summer.

Man, that's a weird dude though.

He used to pull some old
New Jack City type shit.

Make you take your shirt off

when you're out there
picking strawberries,

you know what I'm saying?

You'll see the cute little
sign. White, red letters.

Little strawberries on the side.

- Yeah, really? So it's 18 miles up there.

That's cool, man. Thanks.

- I mean, he didn't even
check your teeth for seeds

before you left.
- You have a good day.

All right? Thank you.

- What you gonna do at Cummings Farm?

- You take care, man.

This better be worth my
fucking time, Gordon.

I'm telling you.

- This is an interesting first date, huh?

- Oh, this is a date to you?

- We could pretend.

- Okay, it's a date.

A very romantic date.

- I usually wait until
at least the fifth date

to reveal my nipples.

And then I just reveal one.

- Good idea.

You know, 'cause you have
to charm the girl first

and then bam, whip them out.

- Was I being charming? I was
trying very hard not to be.

- Well, maybe you can't help it.

- I don't think Yasmine
would agree with that.

- Well, Yasmine don't take any shit.

- No, she does not.

That's why I stopped giving
her it a long time ago.

- You guys sure do bicker a lot.

I call you two the bicker twins.

- To whom?

- To Gordon.

- Gordon's special.

- I can never tell when you're kidding.

- I'm not.

- Yeah, but you mean special
like retarded special.

- Maybe.

- I really wish that you
could see just how he is

when he's alone with me.

He's really sweet and he means well,

it's just the drinking.

It's gotten worse and worse,

but he'll work through it.

- Well, for your sake I hope so.

You can spend your Saturday nights

accompanying him to AA meetings.

You know, really getting
to know his sponsor.

You look cute standing by your man

while he drinks endless
cups of black coffee

and chain smokes cigarettes.

- Yeah, and you and Yasmine
will be right next door

at Bickerers Anonymous.

- What is that? Do they have that?

- I think they do. You
should look into it.

- I don't think it'll help.

I think Yaz and I are on the way out.

- Shut up.

- What?

- You are not gonna flip around tomorrow

and call her a whore.

- No, I-
- Don't do that.

- I, I came here, right,
to Todd's fantasy land.

- Yes you did. I'm still
surprised you showed up.

What made you agree to it?

- Because I'm in love with you.

I'm kidding.

- You're a weirdo.

- And how dismal your
rapid passion heartbeat

when weighed against the silent
heart of something so pure,

it deserves to be planted.

- Oh, that's good. You wrote that?

- Yes, I did.

- How'd you memorize all those words?

- When you write something like a poem

that means something to you,

it stays in your heart forever.

It stays in your bones.

- Oh, that's so cool.

- You're cool.

- Sorry.

- Hey, you got a record player.

- [Tina] Yeah, it's Grammy's.

- Oh, that's great.
- I think she's just got

like seven classical records in there.

- Does she like The Beatles?

- I don't think so.

- I bet she would.

You know what, I'm
gonna make her a mix CD.

Is she still alive?

- I hope so. She's got my kids.

(grand music)

It makes me feel so regal.

- Yeah, I have that effect
on people sometimes.

- Not you. The music, dum-dum.

- Whatever. This is nice.

I could get used to this.

This country living.

I guess your, I guess your
kids must really love it.

- I don't really wanna talk
about my kids right now.

- Fair enough.

Hey, is this place easy to see,
uh, from the road at night?

- I think so. Why?

- Oh, no reason. No reason.

- Aren't we supposed to be talking?

- I don't have anything to say.

- Me neither. Keep fucking me.

- This pussy is primo.

(animal howling)

- Did you hear that? Are
there coyotes out here?

- I don't think so.
Maybe Todd's a werewolf.

- Maybe.

(Rachel laughs)

I'm very taken by you.

- That's very formal of you to say.

- May I kiss you? May I
kiss you on the trampoline?

- I don't think you're supposed to ask.

- I know.

I don't know what the boundaries
are at a thing like this.

- Well, pretty much when
I go through the door,

I'm gonna leave my boundaries in the dust.

- So you're really going
through with this, aren't you?

- Yeah. Right?

- Right.

- Uh-oh.

- What?

- Are you having second thoughts?

- Um, I don't know. I've felt
weird ever since I got here.

Something hasn't felt right.

- Come on, Alan. Don't wuss out.

- You're really, it doesn't seem like you.

- Well, it's like me for
tonight. Look, here's the deal.

I'm gonna close my eyes
and count to 10, okay?

- Okay.

- Okay. When I do that, if
you kiss me before I'm done,

then I'll know you're in.

Deal?

- Deal.
- Okay.

- Okay.
- Don't make me laugh.

- I won't.
- Okay.

- One.

(Alan laughs)

- Sorry.

- Two. Why are you taking so long?

- I was, I was trying
to get myself together.

- Yeah, but.

- I'm, I'm together.

- Focus.
- Okay.

- Ready?
- Yes.

- Composure? Okay.

- One, two,

three, four, five.

- Oh shit. Get down.

- Did Todd order Thai takeout?

- I don't know.

Wait a second. I know that guy.

Oh my god, I'm serious. I know that guy.

That's the guy from
outside the liquor store.

He's some stupid guy who
asked us to buy drugs

and I didn't know what to say,
so I said something stupid,

and now he followed us
all the way up here.

- Are you fucking with me?

- I'm not fucking with you.

That guy followed us here
from the liquor store

and he came here just to kill you and me.

Come on.
- What? No.

- Come, come, come. We
gotta warn everybody.

Go, go. Ah, fuck.

Okay, turn off the lights
and get down on the ground.

Yasmine, Yasmine.

Danger. Yasmine.

- Who's out there?

- Believe me, you don't want
to know. Ignorance is bliss.

Yasmine. Yasmine.

- Hey, Alan, man, that was not 15 minutes.

- Everybody get down.

- Alan, what the fuck?

- Get down on the ground.

- Way to take charge, Alan. I like it.

- Are you having a panic attack?

- The drug dealer.

The one from the liquor store

that you wanted me to
read to from the Torah.

- You were gonna what?

- Shush. The big scary Black guy.

Wait, what were you two doing back there?

- Alan, big scary Black guy?

- Yes. He followed me here, he's outside.

He wants to do god knows what to the men

and then kill all the women.

- Alan, you allowed
yourself to be followed?

- I didn't allow myself to be followed.

I just fucking came here.

- Fuck. Let me think.

Okay, what are his demands?

- I don't know. We didn't have a sit down.

I just came in here.

- You just came in here?
- Yes.

- Why didn't you go to the
two-foot pocket on the driveway

and fucking call the po-po?

Faced east.

- And tilted your head back.

- What? I don't know what I'm doing.

I thought I was being a hero.

- We're sitting ducks in here.

Goddamn it, Todd. I told
you this was a stupid idea.

- Tina, shut the fuck up.

- Hey everyone, just calm
down. Maybe he'll just leave.

- Gordon. You in there, man?

- He knows our name.

- No, he said Gordon.
He just wants Gordon.

Let's give him to him.

- Okay.
- About time.

- Gordon. Gordon, wake up.

- Oh, babe.

Hey, baby. How was the orgy?

- It's on hold. There's someone
outside looking for you.

- Well, thank god. Well,
why didn't you let him in?

- Gordon, did you invite
a Black man to my home?

- Gordon, what did you do?

- Relax. Everybody calm the fuck down.

I have the situation under control.

It's my friend Larenz
and he's totally cool.

You guys are actually gonna
really dig him. Yo, Larenz.

- [Larenz] What?

- You're cool, right?

- [Larenz] I can be.

- See? Come in.

- No!

- What the fuck?

I didn't realize this
was a segregated orgy.

- Fuck that shit, Gordo. You
know it's not a race thing.

My homeboy Tran from work? He
would love to have been here.

He's Chinese, man.

But it was invite only.
Just supposed to be us six.

Three cunts and three cocks.

- Okay, so what do you want
me to do? Tell him to leave?

- Yeah, get him outta here.
But let him down easy.

I don't want any static.

Maybe give him some of those
fresh picked strawberries

as a piece offering.

- They like watermelon, Todd.

- Fruit is fruit, Tina.

- I'll tell him to leave.

- He just drove 25, 30 minutes
tops out to the country,

middle of fucking
nowhere to do me a favor.

And I'm gonna just go ask him to leave

because his kind isn't welcome
here at Cummings Ranch.

Hey buddy.

- What's the deal, Gordon?

- I may have made a
tiny error in judgment.

- You think?

I mean, you made me all these promises

and it's like they didn't
know what's coming, man.

- Sorry, man. I thought they'd be cool.

And when I told them what you
did, they just flipped out,

and you know, I couldn't get ahold of you.

No cell phone reception.

And I, I thought they'd
be more open-minded.

They flipped, man. I'm sorry.

I'm really fucking sorry.

- Well, you being really
sorry's not gonna get me,

how'd you call them again?

Three sexually liberated
white women, is it now?

- I know that my apology
is a small consolation.

- Oh, microscopic.

- Okay, I have an idea.

- Great. Another idea from Gordon.

- Let's go for a walk. Come on.

I need you to gimme the drugs.

Larenz, I need you to
gimme the drugs, man.

- Are you crazy?

You think you're gonna get
that drugs from me now?

- Okay. I have a plan, but
you need to give me the drugs.

- You're tripping.

- No, just, just listen
to me. This is perfect.

You give me six E's.

- They're X.

- No, actually, they go by E now.

- No, actually, I'm selling them.

They could be whatever letter
I want them to be. They're X.

- They are X. You're right.

I was wrong. They're X.

You gimme six X, you
drive away, park your car.

Wait a little bit. I'm gonna
go feed them to the ladies.

It's gonna be like a sexual tornado

with the skin and hair and tits.

- I got, I got it. Yeah, I, I got it.

- You're gonna just kind of slink in

and assimilate with everybody else.

Before they even know what's happened,

you've already busted your nut.

You're in, man. Game over.

- I don't know, man.

- Larenz. What, what do you want, man?

What's the other option?
You wanna go in now?

They're fucking freaked out.
They're nervous as hell.

What, you wanna just go in there
and whip out your big cock?

- How do you know I got a big cock?

- Huh? I'm guessing.

- That's some racist shit, Gordon.

For all you know, I could
have a small Chinese dick.

I don't, but I could.

- Fair enough. You know what
bitches are like on ecstasy.

You do know that, Larenz.

- I do.

- They're like fucking sex zombies.

They're fucking hungry for
it. It's all they want.

Anyway, you gotta take one too.

- Come on, you know I don't do that.

- I know you don't usually do it,

but I know you're gonna do it tonight.

Hello, look around you. This
is a fucking orgy, man, okay?

If ever an occasion,

if ever an occasion called for
it, Larenz, this is it, man.

You have to be on the same level

as me and the fucking sex
zombies out there, right?

You have to. We all gotta
be on the same page.

That's the only way this works.

- I, I, I don't know.

I guess if it's gonna get
me six titties in my mouth,

then I guess so, man.

- This is terrific.

By the time this thing is done,

you'll have lost more
sperm than spinal fluid.

Do you know what I mean?

- What the hell does that mean?

- You got anything to take that with?

- The diet Pepsi in the car.

- You guys, it's a lot
worse than I thought.

Stay down. It's bad.

Trick or treat? Let me suck on your feet.

I'll give you a treat.

- Gordon, who was that?

- That was Larenz, baby,

- And how do you know him?

- Oh, how do I know him?

I know him 'cause he's the guy

that just brought us the party favors

that are gonna turn
this party upside down.

Love this record.

It was a surprise, guys.

Obviously, in retrospect, I
should have told you about it.

I guess alcohol does impair
my judgment, after all.

You were right. Put it on the list.

- It's already going on there, thank you.

- Is he gone?

- Yes, Tina. He is gone.

- Are you sure?

- Yeah, Alan, I'm sure.

- Did that Black man leave?

- Yeah.

- He's gone. He drove away.

Everybody take a deep breath.

See, he understood the situation
in here. I just told him.

I told him how it was, and unfortunately,

my friend Larenz faces this
kind of adversity all the time.

Unfortunately, he's used to
this crap, so he's cool with it.

Like I said. Now stick
out your little paws.

Oh, come on guys. You're
not still mad at me, right?

Nothing says I'm sorry
like free pharmaceuticals.

There you go. One for you, one for you.

Alan, body of Christ.
Ami mo mea, take one.

Here, put in your hand.

Tina, don't worry. Grandma has the kids.

It's fine.

- Is it?

- Don't worry about what it is.

You don't think about it.

The time for thinking is
over. No more thinking.

- No problem. No thinking.

- Wait, can we drink with this?

- You can do whatever you want with that.

It's the next, next
level. It's phase 1,000.

- This is ecstasy, isn't it?

- I don't know, Alan, are you a chemist?

Would you like a microscope?
Just take the fucking pill.

- Ecstasy. Awesome, Gordon.

Ecstasy for the ecstasy. Take it, Tina.

- Thank you, Todd. Glad somebody
gets what's going on here.

Rachel, take that pill. Just take it.

Alan, Alan, you wanna get
in her pants? Take the pill.

Take the pill if you wanna
get in her pants. Thank you.

Now there's only one
more thing you gotta do

and everybody's gotta do it.

- Any.

- You all gotta fucking howl.

(howls) Like that. Okay?

Howl.

(group howls)

I can't hear you. I can't hear any of you.

I can't hear you.

(group howls)

(dramatic music swells)

(dramatic music continues)

(group howling)

(eerie music)

(group howling)

- This shit's retarded.

- Those are sensitive.

- Come on, feet.

Feet are everything.

That's what makes us technically animals.

We walk on them. We walk on our feet.

We walk on our feet!

- Are you okay?

- Yeah, I'm fucking great.

I'm serious. It's really good.

I'm really good.

- What more could you ask for? Whoo!

- Stop here, stop.

- [Tina] Careful, careful!

- Whoa, whoa, whoa.

What? She's got a head.

- She runs with the guns over your head.

- Oh, I wanna show you
the Future Baby steps

that they were showing me earlier.

Whoo!

- Wow! Whoo!
- Wicked dad Todd.

- [Yasmine] Yeah!

- It's, I think I did it backwards, but.

- That was good.
- I like-

- Rachel, Rachel! I'm
leaving you for Tina's feet.

Oh, this is hilarious.

- [Tina] Ooh, oh, Rachel, that's good.

- [Gordon] You like that?

- [Yasmine] She does have nice feet.

- Ooh, blow on my eyes. Blow on my eyes.

Oh, that's amazing.

- That's kind of gay, but
I'm not gonna say nothing.

- This is crazy. Smelling feet and shit.

No, I'm not rolling, but you
sure the fuck are rolling.

What? Fine, I'll take it.

Happy now?

That's disgusting. Your
tongue's gonna fall off.

(birds chirping)

- But I was always an alto,
but I wanted to be a soprano

because altos always just
could boom, boom, boom.

And sopranos get to sing
the most beautiful parts,

like the harmony, not even the melody.

So I worked on my range the whole year.

Then we did Silent Night
for a Christmas concert,

and I gotta sing this solo.

And I was so proud of myself.

- Your mustache is like
seven different colors.

- I know.

- That scares me.

- It's penetration time.

- Huh?

- It's penetration time.

It's penetration time!

- It's penetration time.

- Time for the main event.

No one wanted any pizza.
Who's the first to go?

Who wants up here? Baby, you wanna go?

Come here, baby.

Come on, the table's secure, baby.

Did you know that the
clitoris's only function

is to give pleasure?

It's like a little pink
button on a woman's body.

You just press it and they go, "Hehe."

Like that, remember that little thing,

that little thing made out of dough?

And you press it and it goes, "Hehe."

That's the same with a girl.

You press it and she goes, "Hehe."

What's those countries
where they clit the off?

- Oh, Todd. Come on.

- You know, baby, like
those clitorodectomies?

Think about the landfills
in those countries.

Just fucking mountains
of clits in the trash.

Gordon, can you fly a helicopter?

We could fly right over and I
could jump right down into it.

And on the way down, I could just be like,

"La-la-la-la-la-la-la-la."

I'll be stashing them
in my fucking pocket.

Oh shit. Okay, let me come around.

Okay. Beep, beep, beep, beep.

Okay, all right. What do we got here?

That's better for me, baby.
Oh, we gotta get these off.

We can't have these on.

Oh, skin the cat.

All right, will you hold
onto to those? Thank you.

Do not lose those. Those are my favorite.

Oh baby. Oh, it's so beautiful.

That is so beautiful.

- Yeah. Is it?

- Think about it.

I jizz in there

and then Scotty and
Erica crawl out of there.

- Oh, Todd, no.

- [Todd] And now they can walk.

- Stop.

- How cool is that? Alan, first up to bat.

Come here. Drop trow.

- No, I should drink some water.

- Fuck water. Come on, man.

- No, Tina, don't you want some water?

- No, I'm good.

- Hey, no more talking

unless it's with your penis or your pussy.

All right, baby?

Who wants it? Who wants it?

Gordo. Come here, man.

Are you here to fuck or are
you here to drink water?

- I'm here to fucking drink.
I'm here to fuck and drink.

- Perfect. Get up there.

Here it is, it's cool. It's cool.

- Okay.

- All right, baby.
- All right.

- [Todd] Are you all right for that?

- You love me?
- Oh, baby, I love you.

I love you. You okay, you comfortable?

- Todd, uh, protection?

- You don't need any protection.

You're not gonna give her
anything I haven't already.

Right, baby?

- Oh, okay. What about pregnant?

I, uh, I can't afford any little Scotties

or Stevies or whatever.
- Oh no,

Teeny's got her tubes tied.

Remember that, baby? Remember
when they tied your tubes?

- Okay, okay. Let's just back
it up, back it up, back it up.

Here we go.

- Lemme know if it hurts.

- You're not gonna hurt her.

She's had human beings come out of there.

- It's big. Hold on, let me just get it.

- Um, in a nice way.

- [Gordon] And...

- Baby, you look so sexy.

- Ah, I'm in.

- Are you in there?
- It's in, guys.

- All right. Does that feel good, baby?

- [Tina] I don't know.

- [Todd] Does that feel good?

- [Gordon] Oh, that's good. It's good.

Todd, it's good. It is really good.

- Do your, do your Lamaze breathing.

- [Gordon] Oh, that's good.

- That's good. Somebody sit on her face.

- No.
- What?

- No, I don't...
- Oh fuck.

- I don't...
- I'm getting close.

Tina, you getting close?
- Stop, stop, stop.

Stop now. Stop.
- Don't stop.

She says that all the time.

- No stop. I really wanna-

- Stop, she said fucking stop!

- She didn't say stop.
- I'm almost done.

I'm gonna cum.
- Gordon, fucking stop!

- Okay, I'm almost done. Just give me-

- Pull out. Gordon!

- Okay, fine!

- Oh shit! Whoa!

- Oh, sweetie. Did you come, baby?

- Get the fuck away from me.

- [Gordon] Fuck. Did she come, Todd?

- [Todd] It's all good, Teeny.

- Oh my god, it's the fucking drug dealer.

You let him out there?
Alan, go do something.

He's been-
- Larenz!

- He's been standing out
there the whole fucking time.

- Alan, he's got a gun,
so just be careful. Baby.

- I don't, don't touch me.
- Please.

We can go home, we'll put on that nice,

that nice CD you like

that I made you for
your birthday last year,

and we'll just lay in
bed till the sun comes up

and watch the sun come up.

Baby, this was a dumb
idea. This was stupid.

Let's just get outta here.
These people are crazy.

And you just hallucinated

'cause of the pills that I gave you.

And that's my fault. Alcohol
impairs your judgment.

It's on the list. I'm
not drinking anymore.

I'm done drinking. Remember?

I was only doing it 'cause
the event that was coming up

and I was gonna quit.

I'm done. I'm done.

- Shut up!

(wildlife croaking)

(wildlife croaking)

(wildlife croaking)

- Ah! Oh.

- It might be the ecstasy,

but I think I can feel your
sperm swimming into my brain.

- Well, tell your brain
I'll pay for the abortion.

Major party foul, Gordo.

What part of her tubes are
tied did you not understand?

- Just the part where
everyone was screaming at me

to stop fucking your wife.

- It's okay. I think we've
learned a lot though.

Next time you creampie her.

Next time, fucking creampie the bitch.

- I can't find him anywhere,

and I went looking everywhere I could.

I don't know what you want from me.

I don't think he's coming back, honestly.

After what he saw through the
Venetian blinds, would you?

What? What did I miss?

- Hey, wait a minute. Where's Tina?

- She ran to the bathroom.

- The bathroom? Fuck that shit.

- Todd, just leave her alone.

- Why don't you mind your
own beeswax, beautiful?

When I come back, you're gonna get fucked.

- Yeah, good luck with that.

- Not gonna need it.

Hey baby, the door's
locked. I can't get it open.

- Go away.

- I don't have to go away.
You're my wife, it's my right.

- It's my door. Leave me alone.

- Tina, I'm not gonna talk to
you through this fucking door.

Open it.

- The orgy's over, Todd.
Send everyone home.

- Baby, the orgy's over
when I say the orgy's over.

That was a hell of a
performance out there, baby.

Everyone's out there talking about it.

Everyone's cock is rock hard.

The pussies are fucking
dripping through the couch.

- Ew!
- You gotta see this, baby.

Come on. Don't turn back now.

- No, go away.

- Tina, open the door. Open the door!

Open the door! Open the
door, you fucking cunt!

- You think you're scaring me?

I'm a cunt, Todd? I'm a cunt?

- Baby, I'm kidding. I was just kidding.

- Fuck you, Todd. Fuck you.

Don't.
- Baby, you never know when I-

- You have cum on your face.

- It's Gordon. It's just Gordon.

- Send everyone home.

- Look...

- Send everyone home. It's over.

- I'm not gonna do that.

- I will then.

- Okay, all right. Well
you just fucked yourself.

Divorce. Woop, there it is.

- We're gonna go. But
thank you for a great time.

And for the pizza.
- Hey, are you okay?

- Yeah, yeah. Yeah, I'm fine, I'm fine.

I just, I think I just
wanna be alone right now.

If you guys could just like maybe take off

for a little while and take Todd with you.

- No. We want to, but we can't take Todd.

He should be here with you, I think.

And there's that guy.
LaVar is still out there.

We don't know where, and it's dark.

- I can handle myself.

- Really, Alan? You really
don't know his name?

I said it like a hundred
times. It's Larenz.

He's a cool cat. He does
not present a threat to you.

- Okay, everybody just
go. Just leave, okay?

I really, I would rather that you just go.

I'll call you tomorrow. I promise, I will.

- Might be tricky leaving.
Might be really tricky.

- How's that?

- I disabled the motor vehicles.

- You did what?

- I thought something like this
might happen. You pussy out.

You little bitches.

So while you guys were in
here not making mojitos,

I just went to your cars
and opened the hoods

and I fucked shit up.

- I think I saw you do that.
I should have said something.

- That's why you had the
gasoline on your shirt.

- Yeah, Alan.

That's why I had the fucking
gasoline on my shirt.

- This is crazy.

- You're insane.

- Insane?
- Yeah.

- No, I'm just really horny.

Now he fucked my wife and
I want what's coming to me.

I want what was promised. Where were we?

Rachel, how about you pull
out your fat pussy lips?

Come here.

- Don't do that. Don't be a dick!

Everybody to the chill out tent right now.

- Only two people.

- Fuck you, Todd. Fuck you.

- Hey, hey, hey.
- Get outta my house.

- I'm gonna sue you,
Tina. I'm gonna sue you.

- I barely fucked your wife.

- Get the fuck outta
here, you drunk faggot.

Faggot, faggot, faggots, faggots, faggots!

You had a chance of something beautiful!

- Oh, well that could have gotten ugly.

Good thing I stepped in when I did.

- Yeah. And basically raped Tina.

- What? I did not rape Tina.

Tina, did I rape you?

- No, nobody raped anybody.

- Todd raped me with your dick.

- See, Todd raped her.

- Yeah, with your dick.

- Oh, whatever. Fuck you.

You dragged me to this thing.

- It wasn't supposed to be like this.

- Yeah, well, you know
what? It was like this.

And I don't even know why I'm
in this tent with you guys.

I'm gonna ride back with Larenz.

- No, don't go. No, here.

- Larenz. Hey, hey, hey, off the pants!

- Sorry.
- Do not rip my new pants.

- I won't touch the pants.

- Larenz!

- Larenz isn't here.

Come on. Hang out.

We all need to just calm down

and wait a couple hours
till we're not so fucked up.

And then we'll call a
tow truck in the morning.

- Alan, I am fine.

- You are so not fine.

- You know what?

I'm gonna go on record right now

and say that tonight
fucking sucked, all right?

And now I have that thing
where I had to pee, but I came.

Now my pee and my cum are
all mixed up in my dick.

I have to pee and I can't, and it hurts.

That's where I'm, that's where I'm at.

- You slept with Todd, didn't you?

- I did.

- During talking time. That
wasn't the rules, Yasmine.

- It is what it is.

Can we just figure out
what's going on and move on?

Can we do that?

- You. Can't believe I ever
thought you were my friend.

- Oh fuck, don't be so
fucking melodramatic.

It's just a dick and
pussy. Who gives a shit?

- Hey, that's the first insightful
thing she said all night.

- Gordon, shut the fuck up!

- I'm in love with Rachel.

- Duh.

- Rachel, I'm in love with you.

- Dude, you're rolling.

- I'm not rolling.

Okay, I am. I really, really am.

But that doesn't matter.

Rachel, I love you and
I wanna be with you.

And I think we should be together forever.

I'm serious, when we're
done with this thing,

I want it to be just you and me.

Please, can we do that? Please?

Please?
- Alan.

- What?

- You little shit.

- Are you, are you
being serious right now?

- Rachel, how do you feel about me?

- I...

- Rachel. Rachel.

- Ah, it's Larenz.
- Oh my god.

- It's Larenz. Oh my god.

- Is it Larenz?

- Yes.
- Great.

Larenz, please take me
away from these fucks.

Ow. It's not Larenz.

It's Todd. He's serving
tennis balls at us.

- Fuck you, Todd!

- Fuck you, Tina!

- Well, you gotta admit
his accuracy is stunning.

- He played in college.

- And fuck you, Rachel.
And fuck you, Alan.

And fuck you, Gordon.

- What did I do?

- And fuck you, Yasmine.
Oh, wait, I already did.

Now I'm gonna go make
myself a goddamn mojito.

- There's no mint, motherfucker!

- I'll use toothpaste, Tina!

- Well, I think that was the climax.

- Was it the-
- No, just stop it.

Stop it. Oh, stop it.

- Stop!
- Oh Jesus.

- Where the fuck do
you think you're going?

- I'm gonna go hang out
with the normal guy, honey.

Take care of four eyes.

- Honey, you okay?

- Yeah. No, I'm cool.

- I'm so sorry.
- I'm totally cool.

- I've never seen him hit a man before.

- Ah, be cool.

Okay, I'm fine.
- I'm so sorry.

- No, it's just sometimes

when I get punched in the face, I cry.

It's like a stupid thing.

- Ugh, fuck.

- Would you guys please just
shut up. Shut the fuck up.

You talk so goddamn much. Huh?

- [Rachel] What a mess.

- God!

- Not that bad. Maybe
we'll get some ice on it.

- I want Alan out of the tent.

- I think maybe you're
overreacting just a little bit.

- No, no, no man allowed. Out of the tent.

- Tina, come on.

- Out.

- Get the fuck out of the tent.

- Get out!

- I'm sorry.
- No, no, no.

- Sorry.

- Oh, hi.
- Hey.

- You scared me.

- You wanna make me one of those?

- Sure.

(somber music)

(somber music swells)

(somber music continues)

(somber music continues)

- Fuck.

Hmm.

Ah.

Ugh.

(bird chirping)

(bird chirping)

- Hi.

- Hey.

- I'm sorry I said what I said last night.

- It's okay.

Telling me you wanted to be my boyfriend

in front of my boyfriend
and your girlfriend

in that chill out tent in Cummings Farm.

Not that romantic.

- Well, seeing as how you had
just watched your boyfriend

bop Tina in front of you,

and my girlfriend was
screwing Todd in the back,

I thought, you know, in
comparison, it was pretty minor.

- Yeah.

Did you agree to come here to all of this

just to tell me you loved me?

- No.

- You could have just texted.

- What are you doing?

- Go back to sleep. It's a surprise.

- I can't sleep anymore.

- I'm decorating your room with balloons.

- Why are you doing that?

- Because I'm sorry.

I just, I just don't want you to hate me.

- I don't hate you.

- You don't?

- I always wished I
could be more like you.

You know, you have style.

You know how to have fun.
You know, you're cool.

I don't know how to do that.

I don't know, I don't
know how to have fun.

- Well, I can't do what you do.

- What do I do?

- Like, you're like a real mom.

I, I can't even take care of myself.

I'm like a grown woman child.

Like, I would be a horrible mom.

- Oh no, you wouldn't.

- You're an amazing
mom. I, I just, I can't.

- Do you really? You really think so?

- I do.

- Thank you. It's all right.

It's not us anyway. It's them.

- It is them. And fucking Rachel.

The whole fucking time.

She was with him the whole fucking time.

- She's thought she was
so adorable last night.

- Ugh.

- "Ha, ha, ha." I hate her face.

- I do too. Just like,
"Can you see my nipples?"

I knew she had those big vag lips too.

I've seen them before, I just
didn't wanna say anything.

- She's hideous.

- Agreed.

- I really, I feel like my mouth is numb

from this, um, Nonoxynol-9.

- Ew. Ew!

(birds chirping)

(birds chirping)

- You made waffles.

You make any for me?

Where are the girls?

Are you hungover?

Why aren't you saying
anything? You lost your voice?

- No, we took a vow of silence
last night. I'm honoring it.

- Right. I'm gonna have to renege on that.

But you know what? Good luck.

Fuck you too.

(Gordon sighs)

Alan, you know what? She's all yours.

I fucked her like a thousand
times. I'm done with her.

See you later, babe.

Ladies, I'm taking the
orgy back to my place.

(birds chirping)

(phone beeps)

Larenz? Larenz.

What the fuck, man? How
many tabs did you take?

Wake up. Wake up, Lorenz.

- Ah.
- What the fuck?

Oh shit. You all right?

- You're gay.
- What?

- I seen you come in a guy's face.

You was dancing with feathers.
You all looked weird and gay.

- I'm not fucking gay, man.

- Whatever. Get me outta here, man.

- This fucking orgy
sucked, man. It was a dud.

A wet fucking firecracker.

- I don't care about the fucking orgy.

- You know the fucking
women? They all wimped out.

They fucking freaked
out and then the guys,

they all went crazy.
- Ask me if I give a fuck.

Just get me outta here, man.

- Fine, fine.

I'm just, I just thought you'd wanna know

you didn't miss anything.

I thought it'd make you feel better.

_ I would feel better if I
wasn't laying on the ground

with a broken foot and my head banged up.

How about that?

- Is this a gun?

(gun fires)

(dog barking)

- Whoever wants to leave, come now.

(rap music)

- Who is this?
- What?

- I'm not talking to you, Alan. Lovert.

- Larenz, bro.

- Who is this?

- The Shit.

- Yeah, I know it's the
shit, but who is this?

- No, no, that's the name of the group.

The Shit. They're homeboys of mine.

This is their demo. I'm
the executive producer.

- You're the executive producer.

- Yeah. That's what I do.

- I'll tell you what.

You tell Shit, come by my office
first thing Monday morning.

I'm an A&R man. This is diggity dope.

♪ Splurge with soldier
cost the whole world ♪

♪ Now bending over, wild baloney ♪

♪ Go and get 'em, superstar ♪

♪ High neck ♪

♪ I do the drag while the
DJ running and trigger man ♪

♪ She a rhythm, man ♪

♪ Hardcore thriller, man ♪

♪ Gave a nigga hair still
laying on the pillow, man ♪

♪ And I know it's just a dance ♪

♪ What was underneath the pants ♪

♪ Got a nigga in a trance, understand ♪

♪ Look I love that when you
hit the flow like that ♪

♪ When you drop it down low like that ♪

♪ And when you lick it up slow like that ♪

♪ Turn around and make
it just roll like that ♪

♪ Do what you do, yeah,
do what you do, yeah ♪

♪ Do what you do, girl ♪

♪ Do what you do, yeah ♪

♪ Do what you do, yeah ♪

♪ Do what you do when no stop ♪

♪ Get it, get it, get it, get it, get it ♪

♪ Get it, get it, get it,
get it, get it, get it ♪

♪ Drop it down low, pick it up slow ♪

♪ Drop it down low, pick it up slow ♪

♪ Get it, get it, get it,
get it, get it, get it ♪

♪ Get it, get it, get it,
get it, get it, get it ♪

♪ Drop it down low, pick it up slow ♪

♪ Drop it down low, pick it up slow ♪

♪ Drop it down low, pick it up slow ♪

♪ Drop it down low and
don't stop with it ♪

(mellow music)

♪ This is no time for me to
wear my bulletproof vest ♪

♪ Lay your body down and get
ready for a fucking fuckfest ♪

♪ My dick is so hot that
it's nutting your hole ♪

♪ Squirt my cum on your
mind, your body, your soul ♪

♪ I just took a shower
and I don't got no gas ♪

♪ Come on the end and put
your tongue up in that ass ♪

♪ I ain't on the rag,
and this morning I do ♪

♪ So come on, baby, and put
your tongue up in that puss ♪

♪ This is no time for you
to be wearing your clothes ♪

♪ I got foot in mouth ♪
♪ Ew ♪

♪ My tongue is on your toes ♪

♪ We can fuck until the
early morning light ♪

♪ Then go get some food, come
back and fuck all night ♪

♪ Night ♪

(lively music)

(discordant music)

♪ Yeah, yeah ♪