Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated:
1
00:00:06,297 --> 00:00:08,299
[whimsical music plays]
2
00:00:17,726 --> 00:00:19,728
[crowd cheers]
3
00:00:23,440 --> 00:00:24,440
Yes!
4
00:00:33,366 --> 00:00:36,244
Thank you so much, Chicago.
5
00:00:39,789 --> 00:00:41,207
Thank you.
6
00:00:49,716 --> 00:00:51,551
I used to do something a lot of comics do.
7
00:00:51,634 --> 00:00:55,805
I would blame my disgusting behavior
on the city I was in.
8
00:00:56,431 --> 00:00:57,791
You know how people would be like,
9
00:00:57,849 --> 00:01:02,145
"Chicago, you got me so fucked up
last night!" You know?
10
00:01:02,687 --> 00:01:05,940
And the crowd was like,
"Okay. We were not here last night."
11
00:01:06,024 --> 00:01:07,192
[laughter]
12
00:01:07,567 --> 00:01:08,735
"Denver!
13
00:01:08,818 --> 00:01:12,113
You made me fuck that stranger, no condom.
You're crazy, Denver!"
14
00:01:12,197 --> 00:01:13,364
[laughter]
15
00:01:15,450 --> 00:01:16,826
"Armed robbery?
16
00:01:16,910 --> 00:01:18,411
Philly, you silly."
17
00:01:18,495 --> 00:01:19,662
[laughter]
18
00:01:22,540 --> 00:01:24,793
"No, ma'am. We are concerned for you."
19
00:01:26,628 --> 00:01:27,837
That's all over now.
20
00:01:28,463 --> 00:01:30,965
Because I'm fucking pregnant!
21
00:01:31,049 --> 00:01:33,009
- [crowd cheering]
- [whoops]
22
00:01:33,843 --> 00:01:35,845
[applause]
23
00:01:36,012 --> 00:01:37,013
Yeah, I did it.
24
00:01:38,848 --> 00:01:40,183
I'm amazing.
25
00:01:40,642 --> 00:01:41,810
[laughter]
26
00:01:42,936 --> 00:01:44,562
I laid there, and...
27
00:01:46,064 --> 00:01:47,064
that's it.
28
00:01:47,357 --> 00:01:48,525
[laughter]
29
00:01:51,653 --> 00:01:54,322
Usually, when someone in the public eye
gets pregnant,
30
00:01:54,405 --> 00:01:56,074
there's, like, a couple of months
31
00:01:56,157 --> 00:01:58,493
where there's some rumors about them,
you know?
32
00:01:58,952 --> 00:02:01,204
There's some, like, "Oop, bump alert!"
33
00:02:01,287 --> 00:02:02,287
Right?
34
00:02:02,580 --> 00:02:04,624
Uh-oh. Uh...
35
00:02:06,000 --> 00:02:09,045
I was well into my second trimester.
36
00:02:09,254 --> 00:02:10,964
[laughter]
37
00:02:12,298 --> 00:02:16,010
Not one fucking rumor about me. Nothing.
38
00:02:16,219 --> 00:02:17,387
[laughter]
39
00:02:19,013 --> 00:02:20,306
I was photographed.
40
00:02:22,475 --> 00:02:24,602
Belly out. They're like, "There's Amy!"
41
00:02:25,019 --> 00:02:26,187
[laughter]
42
00:02:27,981 --> 00:02:30,275
"Looking happy. I don't know.
43
00:02:31,151 --> 00:02:34,988
Doing her." And then so once people knew,
they were like, "Is she showing?"
44
00:02:35,071 --> 00:02:37,782
They were like,
"No more than normal. Kinda...
45
00:02:37,866 --> 00:02:39,033
[laughter]
46
00:02:39,659 --> 00:02:42,203
It just kinda looks like
she took her Spanx off."
47
00:02:42,704 --> 00:02:43,872
[laughter]
48
00:02:47,375 --> 00:02:50,795
There are all these rules about pregnancy
that are unsaid.
49
00:02:51,337 --> 00:02:53,137
Where is it written
that when you're pregnant,
50
00:02:53,173 --> 00:02:55,466
you have to cup your little bump
51
00:02:55,925 --> 00:02:57,635
in every picture?
52
00:02:57,719 --> 00:03:00,346
It's so obnoxious, guys. Every picture.
53
00:03:00,430 --> 00:03:01,514
Here...
54
00:03:02,557 --> 00:03:04,726
It's all right.
Some people do the two hand.
55
00:03:06,060 --> 00:03:07,228
[laughter]
56
00:03:09,189 --> 00:03:10,229
I was like, okay, fuck it.
57
00:03:10,273 --> 00:03:13,234
I'll do it, but I'm going to do it
for the rest of my life.
58
00:03:13,735 --> 00:03:14,903
[laughter]
59
00:03:15,069 --> 00:03:18,823
I'm going to be 90 years old like this,
with a cigarette in my mouth like...
60
00:03:24,537 --> 00:03:26,206
I do it. I cup the bump...
61
00:03:27,040 --> 00:03:29,125
in pictures,
but I just do it a little bit lower.
62
00:03:29,209 --> 00:03:30,293
I just go right here.
63
00:03:30,376 --> 00:03:31,544
[laughter]
64
00:03:34,547 --> 00:03:37,884
'Cause this is the area that got me
in trouble in the first place.
65
00:03:37,967 --> 00:03:39,135
[laughter]
66
00:03:41,554 --> 00:03:44,265
All the questions everyone...
"What are you having?
67
00:03:44,349 --> 00:03:45,642
Do you know what you're having?"
68
00:03:45,725 --> 00:03:46,935
Hemorrhoids.
69
00:03:47,185 --> 00:03:48,353
[laughter]
70
00:03:50,271 --> 00:03:51,940
Any other questions?
71
00:03:54,651 --> 00:03:57,904
Why do they ask, "What are you craving?
What are you craving?
72
00:03:57,987 --> 00:03:59,113
Are you craving anything?"
73
00:03:59,197 --> 00:04:00,323
Cock!
74
00:04:00,823 --> 00:04:01,991
[laughter]
75
00:04:08,081 --> 00:04:10,667
[laughter]
76
00:04:11,334 --> 00:04:13,461
Just me and my angel.
77
00:04:17,548 --> 00:04:20,593
People always want to see the bump.
That's like the thing.
78
00:04:20,677 --> 00:04:23,429
"Just show me that fucking bump, bitch."
79
00:04:24,847 --> 00:04:29,727
And my belly button is getting
so misshapen with this baby inside
80
00:04:29,811 --> 00:04:32,897
that I had to put two Band-Aids
over my belly button tonight.
81
00:04:32,981 --> 00:04:34,983
[crowd cheering]
82
00:04:38,069 --> 00:04:40,280
[cheering and applause]
83
00:04:40,822 --> 00:04:43,408
That's more than you bargained for, right?
84
00:04:48,037 --> 00:04:51,249
Somebody's neglecting their bikini area.
85
00:04:51,332 --> 00:04:52,500
[laughter]
86
00:04:55,753 --> 00:04:56,753
I...
87
00:04:57,338 --> 00:05:02,135
I'll tell you who it's not fun to be
pregnant at the exact same time as.
88
00:05:03,469 --> 00:05:04,846
Meghan Markle.
89
00:05:05,013 --> 00:05:06,180
[laughter]
90
00:05:08,266 --> 00:05:11,769
I think we're, like, to the day
the same amount pregnant.
91
00:05:12,854 --> 00:05:15,940
And she's out there
in, like, six-inch heels,
92
00:05:16,482 --> 00:05:19,527
adorable outfits, and she has like...
There's been no bump.
93
00:05:19,610 --> 00:05:20,528
Like, there's been...
94
00:05:20,611 --> 00:05:24,240
She, like, cups where the bump will be,
you know. She's like...
95
00:05:24,741 --> 00:05:25,908
[singsong] "Here.
96
00:05:25,992 --> 00:05:28,077
Here's where the baby will be."
97
00:05:28,161 --> 00:05:29,329
[laughter]
98
00:05:33,750 --> 00:05:37,837
People see me, they're like, "The last
couple of weeks are the hardest, right?
99
00:05:37,962 --> 00:05:39,130
[laughter]
100
00:05:40,965 --> 00:05:43,259
Are you crowning?
I think I can see an ear.
101
00:05:43,343 --> 00:05:44,469
Is that an ear?"
102
00:05:44,594 --> 00:05:45,762
[laughter]
103
00:05:49,307 --> 00:05:50,850
If I were Meghan Markle...
104
00:05:52,060 --> 00:05:53,186
and I am...
105
00:05:53,644 --> 00:05:54,812
[laughter]
106
00:05:56,189 --> 00:05:58,816
'Cause she hangs out with the Queen now.
107
00:05:58,900 --> 00:06:00,735
Like, they hang out
and have conversations.
108
00:06:00,818 --> 00:06:01,818
If I were Meghan,
109
00:06:02,236 --> 00:06:03,654
no matter what the Queen asked me,
110
00:06:03,738 --> 00:06:07,283
and I can't do a great British accent,
but, you know, if she said something like,
111
00:06:07,367 --> 00:06:09,369
[exaggerated British accent] "La, la, la.
112
00:06:09,494 --> 00:06:10,661
[laughter]
113
00:06:11,454 --> 00:06:13,623
Oh! Pip-pip!
114
00:06:14,040 --> 00:06:17,960
Would you like a spot of lemon?" Like
probably exactly that, she probably says.
115
00:06:18,044 --> 00:06:19,212
[laughter]
116
00:06:20,671 --> 00:06:21,672
No matter what,
117
00:06:22,256 --> 00:06:24,526
if I were Meghan, I would answer
everything she asks with,
118
00:06:24,550 --> 00:06:26,594
"Yas, Queen!
119
00:06:26,803 --> 00:06:27,887
[laughter]
120
00:06:27,970 --> 00:06:29,722
Yas."
121
00:06:32,016 --> 00:06:35,728
I just came so close to shitting myself.
You guys don't...
122
00:06:35,853 --> 00:06:37,021
[laughter]
123
00:06:39,148 --> 00:06:43,069
This special almost became a real special.
That would have...
124
00:06:43,194 --> 00:06:44,362
[laughter]
125
00:06:44,946 --> 00:06:47,615
What would I have done?
Kind of just kicked it, and...
126
00:06:47,698 --> 00:06:48,866
[laughter]
127
00:06:49,033 --> 00:06:52,412
trusted that you guys would be cool.
Is that what I would have done?
128
00:06:55,289 --> 00:06:57,458
I have not had an easy pregnancy.
129
00:06:57,542 --> 00:07:01,087
I have hyperemesis,
which I'd never even heard of.
130
00:07:01,170 --> 00:07:03,172
It's extreme nausea and vomiting.
131
00:07:03,256 --> 00:07:06,092
If you've ever had food poisoning,
it's that.
132
00:07:06,175 --> 00:07:09,095
I've had that every day for five months.
133
00:07:09,929 --> 00:07:13,766
No, and people are like,
"You're so strong. Look at you out there.
134
00:07:13,850 --> 00:07:14,934
You're on the road."
135
00:07:15,017 --> 00:07:18,354
I'm contractually obligated
to be out here, guys.
136
00:07:18,479 --> 00:07:19,647
[laughter]
137
00:07:20,815 --> 00:07:23,776
I'm not like, "I don't care.
The show must go on."
138
00:07:23,860 --> 00:07:26,737
I'm like,
"I will be sued by Live Nation."
139
00:07:27,196 --> 00:07:28,781
[laughter]
140
00:07:30,533 --> 00:07:31,868
That's why I'm here.
141
00:07:31,951 --> 00:07:34,120
[applause, crowd whooping]
142
00:07:37,874 --> 00:07:40,626
But I feel pretty good tonight,
to be honest with you, so...
143
00:07:40,710 --> 00:07:42,712
[crowd cheers]
144
00:07:42,795 --> 00:07:44,505
I didn't throw up today.
145
00:07:44,922 --> 00:07:46,549
[crowd whooping]
146
00:07:47,508 --> 00:07:52,013
Uh... Yeah, but I didn't know that being
pregnant could be really hard. Like...
147
00:07:52,513 --> 00:07:56,601
I didn't know that
because you bitches all lie about it.
148
00:07:56,726 --> 00:07:57,894
[laughter]
149
00:07:58,644 --> 00:08:01,772
Women don't tell you how hard it is.
150
00:08:01,856 --> 00:08:05,109
I should have Googled it.
I should have Googled being pregnant.
151
00:08:06,319 --> 00:08:09,614
'Cause it's been really awful.
'Cause in movies, they don't show you.
152
00:08:09,697 --> 00:08:12,533
There's just a montage where the girl's
in her office and she's typing,
153
00:08:12,617 --> 00:08:13,618
and then she's like...
154
00:08:13,701 --> 00:08:14,701
[imitates gagging]
155
00:08:14,744 --> 00:08:17,788
And she runs to the bathroom,
she throws up once!
156
00:08:18,122 --> 00:08:19,165
[laughter]
157
00:08:19,248 --> 00:08:22,210
And then in the next scene,
she's in overalls painting a barn.
158
00:08:22,293 --> 00:08:24,212
Like, "Yay!"
159
00:08:24,504 --> 00:08:26,672
- [giggling]
- [crowd laughs]
160
00:08:27,048 --> 00:08:29,091
♪ I can't wait to meet you ♪
161
00:08:29,175 --> 00:08:30,175
You know?
162
00:08:32,637 --> 00:08:35,556
I throw up an exorcist amount every day.
163
00:08:38,226 --> 00:08:39,352
And I feel like,
164
00:08:39,894 --> 00:08:41,646
you know, if you had a good pregnancy,
165
00:08:41,729 --> 00:08:43,689
if you're someone
who enjoyed being pregnant,
166
00:08:43,773 --> 00:08:46,609
I just hope your car flips over. That's...
167
00:08:46,734 --> 00:08:48,361
[laughter]
168
00:08:48,611 --> 00:08:50,446
That's what I wish for you.
169
00:08:52,490 --> 00:08:56,202
Your car kind of Chappaquiddicks
into a lake, and you just kinda...
170
00:08:56,369 --> 00:08:57,537
[laughter]
171
00:08:57,787 --> 00:08:58,996
...slowly...
172
00:08:59,830 --> 00:09:00,830
drown.
173
00:09:02,667 --> 00:09:04,752
Is that fair to say?
Because here's the thing.
174
00:09:04,835 --> 00:09:06,629
You're pregnant, but you don't change.
175
00:09:06,712 --> 00:09:12,510
I hate women who start to act really
just precious and like, "Yes, now I'm...
176
00:09:12,593 --> 00:09:14,470
I'm a saint, and I never...
177
00:09:14,887 --> 00:09:17,848
I never had sex in a bathroom
on a train," you know?
178
00:09:17,932 --> 00:09:19,350
[laughter]
179
00:09:20,017 --> 00:09:22,520
We've all had sex
in the bathroom on a train.
180
00:09:23,980 --> 00:09:26,357
[chuckles]
You don't stop being you, you know.
181
00:09:26,440 --> 00:09:30,152
You don't stop working or drinking.
Like, you...
182
00:09:30,486 --> 00:09:31,654
[laughter]
183
00:09:33,239 --> 00:09:34,239
You know?
184
00:09:36,409 --> 00:09:39,078
I've gotten in the habit of asking, uh,
185
00:09:39,161 --> 00:09:42,707
friends' recommendations and advice
about pregnancy
186
00:09:42,790 --> 00:09:44,584
until I get the answer I want.
187
00:09:45,793 --> 00:09:47,169
You know what I mean?
188
00:09:47,253 --> 00:09:49,463
I asked my most responsible friend,
she's a nurse.
189
00:09:49,547 --> 00:09:51,966
I was like, "So, wine...
190
00:09:52,550 --> 00:09:53,384
what do you think?
191
00:09:53,467 --> 00:09:56,929
Should I just have some,
or what do you think?
192
00:09:57,013 --> 00:09:58,556
While I'm pregnant. Wine?
193
00:09:58,639 --> 00:10:00,433
Definitely have some,
or what do you think?"
194
00:10:00,516 --> 00:10:01,516
And...
195
00:10:02,852 --> 00:10:05,605
And she was like,
"You know what? Just skip it.
196
00:10:05,688 --> 00:10:08,024
Just be safe, you know?" And I was like,
197
00:10:08,107 --> 00:10:10,818
"Yes, that's what I thought,
198
00:10:11,485 --> 00:10:15,615
but I wanted to hear you say it,
so now I'll tell other people
199
00:10:15,698 --> 00:10:19,327
not to drink ever while they're pregnant.
Thank you." Huh!
200
00:10:20,328 --> 00:10:21,245
Good.
201
00:10:21,329 --> 00:10:23,331
[blows raspberry]
That's done with. And then...
202
00:10:23,623 --> 00:10:24,790
[laughter]
203
00:10:25,541 --> 00:10:29,503
You know, and then I asked, like, a little
more lenient of a friend. I'm like...
204
00:10:30,880 --> 00:10:34,508
"Hey, what are your thoughts
on drinking wine while you're pregnant?"
205
00:10:35,343 --> 00:10:38,638
She's like, "A glass a week is fine.
Like, that's probably fine."
206
00:10:38,721 --> 00:10:42,475
I'm like, "That's better.
That makes sense. That's good.
207
00:10:42,767 --> 00:10:43,934
[laughter]
208
00:10:45,186 --> 00:10:46,604
You're smart." And then...
209
00:10:47,938 --> 00:10:51,734
Then you ask your kind of biggest
dirtbag, deadbeat friend, you know?
210
00:10:52,026 --> 00:10:53,194
[laughter]
211
00:10:53,861 --> 00:10:57,782
She's like, "Once you start getting, like,
fucked up, stop drinking." I'm like...
212
00:10:57,865 --> 00:11:00,076
[imitates bell ringing]
213
00:11:01,369 --> 00:11:02,953
Mm-hmm!
214
00:11:03,329 --> 00:11:04,497
[laughter]
215
00:11:06,040 --> 00:11:08,084
No, I haven't even wanted...
216
00:11:09,460 --> 00:11:10,544
[voice breaking] wine.
217
00:11:12,046 --> 00:11:14,173
That's how I know this baby is not mine.
218
00:11:14,548 --> 00:11:15,716
[laughter]
219
00:11:17,426 --> 00:11:19,011
This baby is a lie.
220
00:11:20,846 --> 00:11:22,390
No, it's mine, and...
221
00:11:23,140 --> 00:11:26,936
I'm pretty sure
the guy who got me pregnant
222
00:11:27,436 --> 00:11:30,356
is my husband 'cause I got married, yay!
223
00:11:30,439 --> 00:11:32,149
[crowd cheering]
224
00:11:32,233 --> 00:11:35,111
♪ To the luckiest boy in the world ♪
225
00:11:37,279 --> 00:11:41,450
I married a chef
because I'm a fucking genius.
226
00:11:41,534 --> 00:11:45,037
[crowd laughing, cheering]
227
00:11:47,039 --> 00:11:47,957
Right?
228
00:11:48,040 --> 00:11:49,458
Do you guys like food?
229
00:11:50,543 --> 00:11:53,087
That's what he makes.
230
00:11:53,170 --> 00:11:54,338
[laughter]
231
00:11:54,422 --> 00:11:55,631
Yeah. I love it.
232
00:11:56,632 --> 00:11:59,009
Marrying a chef, it's like a little
on-the-nose for me.
233
00:11:59,093 --> 00:12:01,303
It's kind of like Snoop marrying weed.
234
00:12:01,679 --> 00:12:02,847
[laughter]
235
00:12:08,811 --> 00:12:11,188
I love him. It's real. Um...
236
00:12:11,897 --> 00:12:13,607
The proposal was wack.
237
00:12:13,691 --> 00:12:14,775
Uh...
238
00:12:15,985 --> 00:12:18,237
He proposed to me in the morning.
239
00:12:19,530 --> 00:12:22,658
That's, like, when people
in a nursing home get engaged. Like...
240
00:12:22,742 --> 00:12:23,951
[laughter]
241
00:12:25,578 --> 00:12:29,290
Not, like, at sunrise. I was still asleep.
I was sleeping,
242
00:12:29,832 --> 00:12:32,042
and I sleep like I'm still in the womb.
243
00:12:32,126 --> 00:12:34,211
Earplugs, eye mask...
244
00:12:35,004 --> 00:12:37,047
my mom's legs around my shoulders. Like...
245
00:12:37,131 --> 00:12:38,299
[laughter]
246
00:12:39,049 --> 00:12:41,093
You know? Recreate.
247
00:12:41,177 --> 00:12:42,887
Every morning, I'm born and...
248
00:12:45,723 --> 00:12:46,807
So I'm...
249
00:12:47,600 --> 00:12:49,560
in the womb, and he comes in,
250
00:12:50,227 --> 00:12:52,897
and I just took one ear plug out.
I was like...
251
00:12:54,607 --> 00:12:58,444
And he kind of threw the ring box at me,
and he goes, "I got you this."
252
00:13:00,321 --> 00:13:02,239
And I open it, and...
253
00:13:02,323 --> 00:13:03,324
And he goes,
254
00:13:03,407 --> 00:13:06,035
"Do you want me to get down on one knee?"
and I was like,
255
00:13:06,410 --> 00:13:07,745
"I guess not."
256
00:13:08,162 --> 00:13:09,413
[laughter]
257
00:13:09,830 --> 00:13:11,832
And then I went back to sleep.
258
00:13:12,249 --> 00:13:13,417
[laughter]
259
00:13:14,335 --> 00:13:18,047
That's the truth. That's a real ass
proposal, though. That's like a real...
260
00:13:18,547 --> 00:13:19,547
You know?
261
00:13:20,216 --> 00:13:22,259
'Cause, like, in movies and TV shows,
262
00:13:22,343 --> 00:13:24,887
the guy always gets down on one knee,
right?
263
00:13:24,970 --> 00:13:26,889
And the girl's always shocked.
264
00:13:27,807 --> 00:13:29,058
[gasps]
265
00:13:29,934 --> 00:13:32,144
"I didn't even know you liked me!
266
00:13:32,228 --> 00:13:33,395
[laughter]
267
00:13:33,771 --> 00:13:36,106
I'm still on Bumble. Like, this is..."
268
00:13:36,232 --> 00:13:37,399
[laughter]
269
00:13:38,859 --> 00:13:39,860
[chuckles]
270
00:13:41,946 --> 00:13:44,990
Like, you didn't talk about...
That's a very big decision...
271
00:13:46,116 --> 00:13:49,370
to not talk about. I don't know any girl
who got engaged that way.
272
00:13:49,745 --> 00:13:51,765
I'm from New York.
All my girlfriends are from New York.
273
00:13:51,789 --> 00:13:53,207
We get married late there.
274
00:13:53,290 --> 00:13:57,962
When you get engaged at 40, it's like,
"Whoa, teen bride! Like, slow...
275
00:13:58,045 --> 00:13:59,255
[laughter]
276
00:14:02,716 --> 00:14:04,510
Slow it down. Get to know him."
277
00:14:08,889 --> 00:14:10,249
I think there are only two reasons
278
00:14:10,307 --> 00:14:13,060
you should get down on one knee
if you're a guy.
279
00:14:13,143 --> 00:14:15,020
If you're a player in the NFL...
280
00:14:15,938 --> 00:14:18,482
[crowd cheering]
281
00:14:22,278 --> 00:14:25,322
and to eat my pussy. Those are the two...
282
00:14:25,447 --> 00:14:27,700
[cheering and applause]
283
00:14:28,033 --> 00:14:29,034
Two reasons.
284
00:14:30,619 --> 00:14:32,705
I mean, if the guy you're with
285
00:14:33,122 --> 00:14:37,877
gets, like, synchronized swans
to dance to Bruno Mars, you know?
286
00:14:39,044 --> 00:14:40,087
He's gay.
287
00:14:40,504 --> 00:14:42,339
[laughter]
288
00:14:43,424 --> 00:14:45,050
That's a gay guy.
289
00:14:48,012 --> 00:14:51,807
And, look, we all have a friend
married to a gay guy. We do.
290
00:14:51,974 --> 00:14:53,142
[laughter]
291
00:14:53,642 --> 00:14:56,312
We do. You're probably here
with a couple right now.
292
00:14:56,437 --> 00:14:57,605
[laughter]
293
00:14:58,439 --> 00:15:01,275
And they're like,
"Talk about Meghan Markle more."
294
00:15:01,442 --> 00:15:03,569
[laughter]
295
00:15:09,909 --> 00:15:11,243
We've had that experience, right?
296
00:15:11,327 --> 00:15:14,371
When you meet the couple
for the first time,
297
00:15:14,747 --> 00:15:16,999
and then they leave,
and then a couple of your friends,
298
00:15:17,082 --> 00:15:19,752
you're taking each other's temperature.
You're like...
299
00:15:20,753 --> 00:15:22,546
"Jeff was nice, right?"
300
00:15:22,713 --> 00:15:23,881
[laughter]
301
00:15:23,964 --> 00:15:24,964
"Yeah.
302
00:15:25,341 --> 00:15:27,301
Yeah. Jeff was cool, yeah."
303
00:15:29,553 --> 00:15:32,306
"You said he's a costume designer.
He's a... Yeah."
304
00:15:36,352 --> 00:15:38,938
And then finally someone's like,
"Is Jeff gay?"
305
00:15:39,021 --> 00:15:41,023
You're like, "Jeff is gay! Yes!"
306
00:15:41,106 --> 00:15:42,316
[laughter]
307
00:15:45,444 --> 00:15:47,071
And we all laugh at our friend.
308
00:15:47,154 --> 00:15:50,115
"Hee-hee, she's married to a gay guy."
But you know what?
309
00:15:50,532 --> 00:15:53,869
Someone with hyperemesis
who's five months pregnant,
310
00:15:53,953 --> 00:15:57,331
you know who sounds like it would be fun
to be married to right now?
311
00:15:58,624 --> 00:16:00,000
Fucking Jeff.
312
00:16:00,376 --> 00:16:01,543
[laughter]
313
00:16:02,920 --> 00:16:04,129
Get on one knee for Jeff.
314
00:16:06,966 --> 00:16:08,968
I think... I don't want to jinx it.
315
00:16:09,051 --> 00:16:11,428
I think I don't have to be
a bridesmaid anymore.
316
00:16:11,971 --> 00:16:14,890
Yeah, I think I've done...
I'm not making no new friends.
317
00:16:16,100 --> 00:16:18,227
Everybody got married. I was the last one.
318
00:16:18,727 --> 00:16:22,606
'Cause when you get in your late 30s,
there's just no dignity to it, you know?
319
00:16:23,732 --> 00:16:29,071
It's like me in a Grecian gown
with my aging cleavage and like...
320
00:16:29,989 --> 00:16:32,366
a Coachella flower halo.
321
00:16:32,449 --> 00:16:33,450
I'm just like...
322
00:16:33,701 --> 00:16:34,868
[laughter]
323
00:16:39,123 --> 00:16:42,876
Just hoping I'm not the bridesmaid
with the biggest arm, you know?
324
00:16:42,960 --> 00:16:43,960
I'm like...
325
00:16:44,086 --> 00:16:45,254
[laughter]
326
00:16:46,714 --> 00:16:48,132
I hold my arm out.
327
00:16:51,802 --> 00:16:54,096
'Cause people used to get married
in their early 20s.
328
00:16:54,179 --> 00:16:55,899
You had a little
20-year-old bridesmaid arm.
329
00:16:55,973 --> 00:16:59,643
You were holding your champagne like,
"It's heavy!" [giggling]
330
00:16:59,727 --> 00:17:01,311
[laughter]
331
00:17:04,523 --> 00:17:08,193
Now it's just a sea of turkey legs,
just... [blows raspberry]
332
00:17:08,277 --> 00:17:09,445
[laughter]
333
00:17:12,740 --> 00:17:16,160
Looks like the defensive line
for the Bears are in the wedding.
334
00:17:16,243 --> 00:17:17,411
[laughter]
335
00:17:18,162 --> 00:17:20,289
- [laughs]
- [crowd cheers, applauds]
336
00:17:25,794 --> 00:17:29,214
I really respect you guys for coming out
because if you follow me on Instagram,
337
00:17:29,298 --> 00:17:31,884
you're probably like,
"Is this bitch in the hospital?
338
00:17:32,968 --> 00:17:34,762
Is she gonna be there?"
339
00:17:35,554 --> 00:17:37,389
[cheering and applause]
340
00:17:38,348 --> 00:17:39,348
Yeah.
341
00:17:39,558 --> 00:17:40,558
I made it. I...
342
00:17:41,143 --> 00:17:43,145
I've been hospitalized a couple of times
343
00:17:43,645 --> 00:17:46,315
since I've been pregnant
with hyperemesis and...
344
00:17:46,815 --> 00:17:48,108
The very first time
345
00:17:48,192 --> 00:17:50,694
was about a month ago, and...
346
00:17:51,403 --> 00:17:53,697
I was throwing up for about five hours
347
00:17:53,781 --> 00:17:54,781
when I...
348
00:17:55,532 --> 00:17:56,700
was taken to the hospital.
349
00:17:57,284 --> 00:18:01,121
The doctor came in, and he explained to me
and my sister and my husband,
350
00:18:01,205 --> 00:18:03,207
who were are all in the room. He said,
351
00:18:03,749 --> 00:18:06,349
"You're going to be here
for at least five hours getting liquids."
352
00:18:06,752 --> 00:18:10,089
And without skipping a beat,
my husband said to my sister,
353
00:18:10,172 --> 00:18:14,051
"Okay, cool, because I saw a place
where you can paint pottery nearby."
354
00:18:14,510 --> 00:18:15,677
[laughter]
355
00:18:17,346 --> 00:18:19,139
You guys are like, "Is he gay?"
356
00:18:19,223 --> 00:18:20,390
[laughter]
357
00:18:23,644 --> 00:18:28,148
So my sister didn't even, like, check in
with me if it was cool that they left me.
358
00:18:28,232 --> 00:18:31,235
As soon as he said "pottery,"
they just left.
359
00:18:31,318 --> 00:18:32,861
[laughter]
360
00:18:32,945 --> 00:18:35,322
And I was like, "I'll be here."
361
00:18:38,534 --> 00:18:42,579
And about an hour and a half later,
my sister rushed back in the room,
362
00:18:42,663 --> 00:18:44,081
and she said, "Okay, listen.
363
00:18:44,665 --> 00:18:47,084
Be nice to him about what he painted."
364
00:18:47,668 --> 00:18:48,836
[laughter]
365
00:18:49,711 --> 00:18:50,711
I'm like...
366
00:18:51,171 --> 00:18:52,047
"Okay."
367
00:18:52,131 --> 00:18:54,842
She's like, "I'm serious.
He worked really hard on it."
368
00:18:54,925 --> 00:18:56,093
[laughter]
369
00:19:00,764 --> 00:19:01,764
"Okay." She goes...
370
00:19:02,641 --> 00:19:05,060
"And it's not very flattering."
I'm like, "What?"
371
00:19:08,230 --> 00:19:10,649
But my husband's brain
is a little different.
372
00:19:12,025 --> 00:19:13,235
'Cause you go to these places,
373
00:19:13,318 --> 00:19:18,448
you usually paint a teddy bear
or a jewelry box, you know,
374
00:19:18,532 --> 00:19:21,160
but my husband decided to...
375
00:19:21,827 --> 00:19:23,078
to paint a plate...
376
00:19:24,246 --> 00:19:26,123
which he would use as a canvas...
377
00:19:27,124 --> 00:19:28,458
to paint me.
378
00:19:28,959 --> 00:19:30,127
[laughter]
379
00:19:32,379 --> 00:19:34,298
And I'm going to show you the picture.
380
00:19:35,257 --> 00:19:38,927
I think it's important
for you guys to see the picture. Um...
381
00:19:40,220 --> 00:19:43,265
And I want to show you this,
and I want you to know
382
00:19:43,348 --> 00:19:46,935
that there were no qualifiers
before he showed me this picture.
383
00:19:47,853 --> 00:19:50,314
He was sure it was pretty good.
384
00:19:50,397 --> 00:19:51,440
[laughter]
385
00:19:51,523 --> 00:19:53,358
This is the picture that he painted.
386
00:19:53,859 --> 00:19:56,945
[crowd laughing loudly]
387
00:20:08,248 --> 00:20:10,500
I was in the hospital, guys.
388
00:20:12,544 --> 00:20:17,007
What is... I wanted to go,
"What's with my chin on my neck?"
389
00:20:17,174 --> 00:20:20,052
I look like Trump. Like, I look...
390
00:20:20,177 --> 00:20:21,345
[laughter]
391
00:20:26,516 --> 00:20:28,977
I couldn't say any of this to him, okay?
392
00:20:30,187 --> 00:20:33,106
Get rid of it. People are leaving.
This is upsetting.
393
00:20:33,190 --> 00:20:34,608
This is an upsetting image.
394
00:20:35,901 --> 00:20:36,902
I mean...
395
00:20:36,985 --> 00:20:39,529
[cheering, whooping]
396
00:20:40,364 --> 00:20:42,241
I had to comfort him.
397
00:20:43,325 --> 00:20:47,204
[sighs]
My husband is a really great sport.
398
00:20:47,537 --> 00:20:50,832
You know? He really is.
I keep messing with him.
399
00:20:50,916 --> 00:20:53,335
Like, you know,
I've had a tough pregnancy, so...
400
00:20:53,961 --> 00:20:57,214
the other day, I was like, "Babe,
this is kind of too hard for me.
401
00:20:57,297 --> 00:20:58,674
I don't think I can do it."
402
00:20:59,925 --> 00:21:01,093
[laughter]
403
00:21:02,928 --> 00:21:05,722
And he's like, "What do you mean?"
And I was like...
404
00:21:06,556 --> 00:21:08,600
"What do you think I mean? I think I...
405
00:21:09,476 --> 00:21:10,936
I need to get an abortion."
406
00:21:11,353 --> 00:21:12,521
[laughter]
407
00:21:14,356 --> 00:21:16,233
And this was his response. He went...
408
00:21:17,025 --> 00:21:18,235
"Really?"
409
00:21:18,443 --> 00:21:19,611
[laughter]
410
00:21:22,572 --> 00:21:24,908
I was like, "No! What?"
411
00:21:25,033 --> 00:21:26,201
[laughter]
412
00:21:27,119 --> 00:21:28,912
I'm going to announce it on Instagram,
413
00:21:28,996 --> 00:21:32,457
and then I'm going to be like,
"Actually, forget it. I don't like it.
414
00:21:32,624 --> 00:21:33,792
[laughter]
415
00:21:34,501 --> 00:21:36,586
I'm tired. I don't like it."
416
00:21:39,131 --> 00:21:41,383
Thank God that was his response,
you know?
417
00:21:42,342 --> 00:21:44,970
What if he'd been like,
"Cool. I'll warm up the car."
418
00:21:45,053 --> 00:21:46,847
[laughter]
419
00:21:52,352 --> 00:21:53,770
I knew from the beginning
420
00:21:53,854 --> 00:21:56,690
that my husband's brain
was a little different than mine.
421
00:21:57,899 --> 00:21:59,609
Um, and about...
422
00:22:00,944 --> 00:22:03,697
I have to start this over
'cause I really want to get this right.
423
00:22:05,240 --> 00:22:06,908
Because I love him very much.
424
00:22:07,617 --> 00:22:08,617
And...
425
00:22:09,411 --> 00:22:14,291
My husband was diagnosed with
what used to be called Asperger's.
426
00:22:14,374 --> 00:22:16,335
He has autism spectrum disorder.
427
00:22:16,418 --> 00:22:18,045
He's on the spectrum.
428
00:22:18,628 --> 00:22:19,628
And...
429
00:22:19,921 --> 00:22:22,466
there were some signs early on, like...
430
00:22:23,050 --> 00:22:26,928
we went for a walk about a year ago,
and I fell.
431
00:22:27,637 --> 00:22:30,599
And kinda nine out of ten people would go,
432
00:22:31,183 --> 00:22:32,976
"Oh, my God! Are you okay?"
433
00:22:35,020 --> 00:22:36,188
[laughter]
434
00:22:36,563 --> 00:22:37,397
Right?
435
00:22:37,481 --> 00:22:39,858
Maybe more like ten out of ten people.
436
00:22:39,941 --> 00:22:41,109
[laughter]
437
00:22:41,902 --> 00:22:43,904
"Oh, my God! Are you okay?"
438
00:22:44,738 --> 00:22:46,782
But instead, my husband went...
439
00:22:49,242 --> 00:22:51,453
[laughter]
440
00:22:51,745 --> 00:22:55,874
He kind of froze and became a lighthouse,
opening and closing his mouth, just...
441
00:22:55,957 --> 00:22:58,502
[silently mouthing]
442
00:22:58,668 --> 00:22:59,836
[laughter]
443
00:23:01,046 --> 00:23:03,548
And I remember lying on the ground
looking up at him,
444
00:23:03,632 --> 00:23:05,467
and I wasn't mad. I just thought,
445
00:23:06,051 --> 00:23:07,051
"Huh!"
446
00:23:07,260 --> 00:23:09,221
[laughter]
447
00:23:12,599 --> 00:23:14,893
A lot of "huh" moments, you know?
448
00:23:18,855 --> 00:23:20,482
And once he was diagnosed,
449
00:23:21,024 --> 00:23:23,944
it dawned on me how funny it was
because all of the characteristics
450
00:23:24,027 --> 00:23:25,779
that make it clear
that he's on the spectrum
451
00:23:25,862 --> 00:23:29,491
are all of the reasons
that I fell madly in love with him.
452
00:23:30,784 --> 00:23:31,785
That's the truth.
453
00:23:31,868 --> 00:23:35,247
[cheering and applause]
454
00:23:37,749 --> 00:23:41,211
He says whatever is on his mind.
455
00:23:42,045 --> 00:23:43,880
He keeps it so real, you know?
456
00:23:43,964 --> 00:23:49,594
He doesn't care about social norms
or what you expect him to say or do.
457
00:23:49,678 --> 00:23:51,304
You know, if I say to him, like,
458
00:23:51,638 --> 00:23:53,223
"Does this look like shit?" He'll go,
459
00:23:53,306 --> 00:23:56,852
"Yeah. You have a lot of other clothes.
Why don't you wear those?" I'm like...
460
00:23:56,935 --> 00:23:57,935
[laughter]
461
00:23:57,978 --> 00:23:59,229
"Okay."
462
00:24:01,606 --> 00:24:03,233
[laughter]
463
00:24:07,446 --> 00:24:09,656
But he can also make me feel
more beautiful
464
00:24:09,739 --> 00:24:11,783
than anyone ever has my whole life.
465
00:24:12,534 --> 00:24:14,077
Yeah, it's true.
466
00:24:14,161 --> 00:24:16,163
[cheering]
467
00:24:18,748 --> 00:24:20,250
And he can't lie.
468
00:24:21,751 --> 00:24:24,671
Is that the dream man,
a guy who can't lie?
469
00:24:26,131 --> 00:24:29,885
But that also means
that he can't lie for me.
470
00:24:30,177 --> 00:24:31,344
[laughter]
471
00:24:31,845 --> 00:24:35,056
Which is an essential part
of any relationship.
472
00:24:36,641 --> 00:24:39,102
We're friends with this couple,
and they broke up,
473
00:24:39,519 --> 00:24:42,772
and the guy started dating a new girl
pretty soon after,
474
00:24:42,856 --> 00:24:45,525
and we happened to be at the party
where they got together,
475
00:24:45,609 --> 00:24:48,278
so I didn't rush to tell the ex-girlfriend
what happened.
476
00:24:49,362 --> 00:24:52,240
So a couple of months later,
we had dinner with her, and she was like,
477
00:24:52,324 --> 00:24:55,785
"And, you know, at that party,
that's when they got together."
478
00:24:56,870 --> 00:24:57,913
And I was like...
479
00:24:58,497 --> 00:24:59,748
"No!
480
00:25:00,207 --> 00:25:01,374
[laughter]
481
00:25:02,042 --> 00:25:03,418
It's not possible."
482
00:25:05,045 --> 00:25:06,129
And Chris goes...
483
00:25:06,922 --> 00:25:08,548
"No, you remember."
484
00:25:08,632 --> 00:25:10,050
[laughter]
485
00:25:15,222 --> 00:25:16,222
[quietly] "No.
486
00:25:17,432 --> 00:25:18,475
No, I don't."
487
00:25:18,558 --> 00:25:22,729
"Yeah, remember? 'Cause you said,
'Oh, my God, he's leaving with her.'"
488
00:25:23,271 --> 00:25:24,439
[laughter]
489
00:25:29,027 --> 00:25:31,655
"Thank you, Chris! Thank you.
490
00:25:32,239 --> 00:25:34,074
I guess I forgot about that."
491
00:25:34,533 --> 00:25:35,700
[laughter]
492
00:25:39,913 --> 00:25:44,626
Also, one of the the signs of autism
is you don't make sort of the...
493
00:25:44,709 --> 00:25:47,379
appropriate facial expression
for the occasion you're at.
494
00:25:48,255 --> 00:25:51,299
So we were gonna go on a red carpet
together for the first time,
495
00:25:51,383 --> 00:25:54,928
and we were practicing his smiles,
you know,
496
00:25:55,011 --> 00:25:57,889
and we didn't land on one
that we were in love with.
497
00:25:58,306 --> 00:25:59,474
[laughter]
498
00:26:01,268 --> 00:26:03,937
So we were out of time, so I said,
"Just...
499
00:26:04,020 --> 00:26:06,898
This is what I do. Just think
about something you love, you know?"
500
00:26:06,982 --> 00:26:08,692
And he loves the ocean, so...
501
00:26:09,317 --> 00:26:13,196
So we went out there and it worked,
but it worked too well.
502
00:26:13,697 --> 00:26:14,864
[laughter]
503
00:26:15,073 --> 00:26:18,326
'Cause in all the pictures, I'm doing
my normal bullshit, and he was like...
504
00:26:20,078 --> 00:26:22,330
[laughter]
505
00:26:28,253 --> 00:26:31,631
I noticed. I was like, "A pond.
Just like you're glancing at a pond.
506
00:26:31,715 --> 00:26:32,757
Pull it back."
507
00:26:32,841 --> 00:26:33,841
[laughter]
508
00:26:37,304 --> 00:26:39,639
It's exciting being pregnant.
It's not all bad.
509
00:26:40,724 --> 00:26:41,975
The best part about it
510
00:26:42,642 --> 00:26:44,185
is not getting your period.
511
00:26:44,644 --> 00:26:46,605
[women whooping]
512
00:26:46,688 --> 00:26:50,734
Yeah. That's the silver uterine lining,
if you want to look for one.
513
00:26:51,067 --> 00:26:52,235
[laughter]
514
00:26:52,819 --> 00:26:55,864
That's nice because, you know,
what I realized,
515
00:26:55,947 --> 00:26:57,782
right before I got pregnant, I noticed...
516
00:26:58,450 --> 00:26:59,743
how ashamed...
517
00:27:00,327 --> 00:27:02,871
we've all been made to feel
about getting our period...
518
00:27:03,413 --> 00:27:05,290
our whole lives.
Like we choose it, you know?
519
00:27:05,373 --> 00:27:08,460
Like, "Can't kick my bleeding habit,
you know?
520
00:27:08,752 --> 00:27:09,919
[laughter]
521
00:27:11,129 --> 00:27:13,006
I just want it. I want to do it."
522
00:27:16,426 --> 00:27:19,846
It's supposed to be, you know, a secret.
The second you get it, your mom goes,
523
00:27:19,929 --> 00:27:21,181
"You're a woman now.
524
00:27:22,432 --> 00:27:24,267
And that's disgusting.
525
00:27:24,434 --> 00:27:25,602
[laughter]
526
00:27:26,645 --> 00:27:29,606
Never let anyone know
of your filthy secret."
527
00:27:31,650 --> 00:27:35,195
And you're like, "Okay. I'm 12.
I'm ready to handle this."
528
00:27:35,487 --> 00:27:36,655
[laughter]
529
00:27:38,031 --> 00:27:39,908
This is my Rainbow Brite lunch box.
530
00:27:39,991 --> 00:27:43,119
♪ Rainbow Brite
Stars are shining bright ♪
531
00:27:46,331 --> 00:27:48,091
And it is.
That's the most embarrassing thing
532
00:27:48,166 --> 00:27:49,918
that could possibly happen
to you as a kid,
533
00:27:50,001 --> 00:27:53,004
that someone knows you have your period,
or they see you have your period.
534
00:27:53,463 --> 00:27:54,547
At that age, for men,
535
00:27:54,631 --> 00:27:57,550
the most embarrassing thing
is unwanted erections, right?
536
00:27:58,843 --> 00:28:01,429
But then they grow up
and show them to everyone.
537
00:28:01,554 --> 00:28:02,722
[laughter]
538
00:28:07,477 --> 00:28:09,270
Maybe that's what we should do.
539
00:28:10,188 --> 00:28:12,273
[laughter, applause]
540
00:28:14,317 --> 00:28:15,318
I don't know.
541
00:28:17,362 --> 00:28:19,531
Call a coworker into your office.
542
00:28:19,614 --> 00:28:20,614
"Carl...
543
00:28:21,574 --> 00:28:22,742
[laughter]
544
00:28:23,326 --> 00:28:24,619
Psst.
545
00:28:26,371 --> 00:28:27,872
Come in here. Close the door."
546
00:28:32,460 --> 00:28:33,628
[laughter]
547
00:28:34,754 --> 00:28:38,258
[whooping whimsically]
548
00:28:38,925 --> 00:28:40,385
[cheering, applause]
549
00:28:40,969 --> 00:28:44,013
"Carl, you're getting very sleepy."
550
00:28:44,347 --> 00:28:46,015
[laughter]
551
00:28:53,148 --> 00:28:56,443
All this talk about dick pics,
how about a tamp pic?
552
00:28:56,735 --> 00:28:57,902
[laughter]
553
00:28:58,945 --> 00:28:59,946
You up?
554
00:29:00,822 --> 00:29:02,991
[laughter]
555
00:29:07,203 --> 00:29:10,957
If you're still in a position
where you're getting dick pics, ladies,
556
00:29:11,040 --> 00:29:13,001
I have a suggestion for you.
557
00:29:13,084 --> 00:29:14,502
When you get a dick pic...
558
00:29:15,712 --> 00:29:17,380
send back...
559
00:29:18,548 --> 00:29:20,008
a dick pic.
560
00:29:20,425 --> 00:29:21,593
[laughter]
561
00:29:23,845 --> 00:29:27,140
- [inaudible]
- [laughter]
562
00:29:29,851 --> 00:29:30,851
You go, "Oh, I'm sorry.
563
00:29:30,894 --> 00:29:33,521
I thought we were exchanging
our favorite dick pics.
564
00:29:33,938 --> 00:29:35,857
[laughter]
565
00:29:38,860 --> 00:29:41,488
Dick for dick, pic for pic, no?
I thought..."
566
00:29:47,535 --> 00:29:52,248
Why are we made to feel so ashamed
of a natural bodily function
567
00:29:52,332 --> 00:29:55,335
that ultimately brings life, you know?
It's like...
568
00:29:56,044 --> 00:29:58,755
If you forget a tampon,
you have to bum one from somebody.
569
00:29:58,838 --> 00:30:01,883
What we all do is,
first, you look around...
570
00:30:02,675 --> 00:30:03,843
[laughter]
571
00:30:04,427 --> 00:30:06,587
like you're going to say something racist,
just like...
572
00:30:06,888 --> 00:30:08,556
[laughter]
573
00:30:10,350 --> 00:30:14,062
And whatever race you thought I meant,
that's your problem. And...
574
00:30:14,145 --> 00:30:15,480
[laughter]
575
00:30:16,189 --> 00:30:19,317
Then you kind of lean in,
and we don't even say the whole sentence.
576
00:30:19,943 --> 00:30:20,944
We kind of go...
577
00:30:21,444 --> 00:30:22,695
"Does anybody have a..."
578
00:30:23,655 --> 00:30:24,656
[muttering] "Tampon?"
579
00:30:24,948 --> 00:30:26,115
[laughter]
580
00:30:27,116 --> 00:30:29,202
What is this? What's the claw?
581
00:30:30,078 --> 00:30:32,121
That's how disgusted we are
with ourselves.
582
00:30:32,205 --> 00:30:34,207
[muttering] "Does anyone have a tampon?"
583
00:30:34,666 --> 00:30:35,834
[laughter]
584
00:30:36,835 --> 00:30:38,294
And I notice myself do it.
585
00:30:39,170 --> 00:30:40,672
I was in a gym locker room.
586
00:30:40,755 --> 00:30:42,715
Thank you. And...
587
00:30:45,134 --> 00:30:48,596
And there were a bunch of women
in there, and I... [mutters]
588
00:30:50,598 --> 00:30:53,476
And this woman across the locker room
with so much confidence was like,
589
00:30:53,560 --> 00:30:55,144
"Oh, yeah, I do. What size?"
590
00:30:55,562 --> 00:30:56,563
[laughter]
591
00:31:00,233 --> 00:31:01,234
And, like,
592
00:31:01,317 --> 00:31:03,903
obviously, I know there are
different sizes of tampons,
593
00:31:03,987 --> 00:31:05,655
but I've never been confronted...
594
00:31:06,281 --> 00:31:07,448
[laughter]
595
00:31:08,324 --> 00:31:10,159
...with that question before, you know?
596
00:31:12,829 --> 00:31:15,957
She's like, "Yeah, what's
the circumference of your pussy hole?
597
00:31:16,207 --> 00:31:17,375
[laughter]
598
00:31:25,216 --> 00:31:27,927
Grande or venti?
What are we plugging, bitch?
599
00:31:30,305 --> 00:31:32,015
I've got Pilates. What is it?"
600
00:31:36,603 --> 00:31:38,283
Then all the other women
in the locker room
601
00:31:38,313 --> 00:31:40,315
kinda lean in to hear...
602
00:31:40,481 --> 00:31:41,649
[laughter]
603
00:31:41,816 --> 00:31:43,234
...my answer, you know?
604
00:31:44,652 --> 00:31:45,737
I'm just like...
605
00:31:46,738 --> 00:31:48,281
"I don't know. Do you have, like, a...
606
00:31:48,781 --> 00:31:51,409
super Grand Canyon? I don't know.
607
00:31:51,826 --> 00:31:52,994
[laughter]
608
00:31:54,120 --> 00:31:55,663
Just throw me a futon mattress.
609
00:31:55,747 --> 00:31:57,874
I'll just kind of squat over it."
610
00:31:58,082 --> 00:31:59,250
[laughter]
611
00:32:06,716 --> 00:32:08,968
My vagina is going to get bigger, I heard.
612
00:32:09,260 --> 00:32:10,345
Whoo!
613
00:32:11,638 --> 00:32:14,098
Can't wait. Take up more space. Lean in!
614
00:32:17,936 --> 00:32:20,188
It's already grown.
It just grows over the years.
615
00:32:20,271 --> 00:32:23,483
I know because, I mean, when I was
younger, I could put a Tic Tac in there
616
00:32:23,566 --> 00:32:25,944
and then just walk around all day.
617
00:32:26,027 --> 00:32:29,155
At night, I swear it would
still be in the same place, just... Whoop!
618
00:32:32,325 --> 00:32:33,618
Now...
619
00:32:34,744 --> 00:32:37,205
if I have a yeast infection, which I do...
620
00:32:37,747 --> 00:32:39,415
[laughter]
621
00:32:40,792 --> 00:32:43,670
and I try to put
one of those Monistat suppositories in,
622
00:32:43,753 --> 00:32:46,506
it just falls right on the floor.
623
00:32:46,589 --> 00:32:48,216
[laughter]
624
00:32:51,844 --> 00:32:54,263
Whoop! Be careful. They're very slippery.
625
00:32:54,973 --> 00:32:56,307
[laughter]
626
00:32:59,644 --> 00:33:00,478
I do.
627
00:33:00,561 --> 00:33:02,897
I have a yeast infection.
628
00:33:04,524 --> 00:33:08,277
I'm gonna address it 'cause I have to do
the pinch. You guys know the pinch.
629
00:33:08,987 --> 00:33:11,781
Ladies, just a quick, little pinch.
630
00:33:12,281 --> 00:33:13,825
[laughter]
631
00:33:15,118 --> 00:33:19,122
But I'm really excited about this.
We don't even need tampons anymore.
632
00:33:19,622 --> 00:33:20,623
There's a new invention.
633
00:33:20,707 --> 00:33:22,935
- You guys know what I'm talking about?
- [woman] DivaCup!
634
00:33:22,959 --> 00:33:24,585
No, not the DivaCup.
635
00:33:24,669 --> 00:33:27,714
- That is terrifying. Um...
- [laughter]
636
00:33:27,797 --> 00:33:29,316
The DivaCup... Do you know what it is?
637
00:33:29,340 --> 00:33:32,343
It's like this little cup you store
in the back of your vagina,
638
00:33:32,427 --> 00:33:33,928
and it collects...
639
00:33:34,637 --> 00:33:37,241
and at the end of the day,
you pull it out and you kinda Kill Bill.
640
00:33:37,265 --> 00:33:39,017
Just kind of... [whoosh]
641
00:33:39,100 --> 00:33:40,393
[laughter]
642
00:33:40,476 --> 00:33:42,645
[imitates spraying]
643
00:33:43,688 --> 00:33:44,772
[laughter]
644
00:33:45,398 --> 00:33:47,942
No!
645
00:33:48,526 --> 00:33:49,736
[laughter]
646
00:33:50,695 --> 00:33:51,696
It's a lot.
647
00:33:52,822 --> 00:33:53,906
It's too much for me.
648
00:33:55,283 --> 00:33:57,452
I respect you
if you can handle the DivaCup.
649
00:34:01,539 --> 00:34:04,042
Such a confident name. "I'm a Diva."
650
00:34:04,542 --> 00:34:05,710
[laughter]
651
00:34:06,919 --> 00:34:07,919
No.
652
00:34:08,629 --> 00:34:10,298
It's more exciting than the DivaCup.
653
00:34:10,381 --> 00:34:13,384
It's a new invention called THINX.
654
00:34:13,885 --> 00:34:16,012
Yes. Yeah, you don't need a tampon.
655
00:34:16,095 --> 00:34:19,557
They're just these underwear
that you just bleed into.
656
00:34:21,434 --> 00:34:22,727
Which I guess...
657
00:34:23,728 --> 00:34:26,147
makes me a fucking inventor.
658
00:34:26,898 --> 00:34:29,025
[laughter]
659
00:34:31,652 --> 00:34:33,780
Ah! Who knew?
660
00:34:34,822 --> 00:34:36,449
Should I go on Shark Tank?
661
00:34:36,991 --> 00:34:38,159
[laughter]
662
00:34:39,952 --> 00:34:40,995
"Sharks..."
663
00:34:41,871 --> 00:34:43,039
[laughter]
664
00:34:48,503 --> 00:34:53,591
Did anyone have a mom like me
who didn't really trust tampons
665
00:34:53,674 --> 00:34:57,386
and made them only wear a pad? Right?
666
00:34:59,347 --> 00:35:01,516
And millennials,
if you don't know what a pad is,
667
00:35:02,100 --> 00:35:04,143
congratulations, and...
668
00:35:05,144 --> 00:35:09,148
A pad is kind of a foot-long diaper
that you...
669
00:35:09,357 --> 00:35:10,525
[laughter]
670
00:35:10,608 --> 00:35:13,277
...coil betwixt your legs, and...
671
00:35:14,320 --> 00:35:17,782
just kinda waddle around all day
wearing it, just...
672
00:35:19,158 --> 00:35:20,158
Crunch!
673
00:35:21,452 --> 00:35:22,370
Crunch!
674
00:35:22,453 --> 00:35:25,331
Kinda always sounds like
there's a killer right behind you.
675
00:35:25,665 --> 00:35:27,667
[laughter]
676
00:35:33,297 --> 00:35:35,049
[laughter]
677
00:35:36,676 --> 00:35:38,052
They were great. Yeah.
678
00:35:39,554 --> 00:35:41,305
Little adhesive wings.
679
00:35:41,889 --> 00:35:43,057
[laughter]
680
00:35:43,975 --> 00:35:46,853
They'd always stick right to your pubes.
It was a treat.
681
00:35:46,936 --> 00:35:47,812
[laughter]
682
00:35:47,895 --> 00:35:49,981
It was a real treat. Sorry you missed it.
683
00:35:53,234 --> 00:35:54,694
I'm sorry. Millennials...
684
00:35:56,028 --> 00:35:57,238
pubes...
685
00:35:57,321 --> 00:36:00,158
[crowd laughing]
686
00:36:00,491 --> 00:36:03,703
[cheering, applause]
687
00:36:08,749 --> 00:36:10,960
[mincing] Anybody remember pubes?
688
00:36:11,043 --> 00:36:12,211
[laughter]
689
00:36:15,131 --> 00:36:16,507
I miss my mom's bush.
690
00:36:16,591 --> 00:36:18,926
Did you guys see your mom's bush
growing up?
691
00:36:20,219 --> 00:36:21,804
It's kind of comforting, right?
692
00:36:24,140 --> 00:36:26,517
The first time you see it,
I'll never forget.
693
00:36:26,851 --> 00:36:28,019
[laughter]
694
00:36:28,853 --> 00:36:32,773
I remember I walked in the bathroom
to say goodnight. I was like, "Mom!
695
00:36:32,857 --> 00:36:34,025
[laughter]
696
00:36:40,615 --> 00:36:42,575
[laughter]
697
00:36:45,995 --> 00:36:47,830
Oh. Hi, Mom. Good night."
698
00:36:47,914 --> 00:36:49,081
[laughter]
699
00:36:54,170 --> 00:36:55,504
I remember Mom's bush.
700
00:36:59,008 --> 00:37:00,885
I also had one of those moms...
701
00:37:02,011 --> 00:37:03,221
who told me,
702
00:37:03,304 --> 00:37:06,807
"You only have to shave up to your knee."
703
00:37:07,934 --> 00:37:10,353
Right? "Just shave up to your knee."
704
00:37:11,979 --> 00:37:14,190
I'd say, "Mom, I'm pretty hairy up..."
705
00:37:14,273 --> 00:37:15,274
"No!
706
00:37:16,067 --> 00:37:17,067
The knee."
707
00:37:17,485 --> 00:37:18,485
"Okay."
708
00:37:21,113 --> 00:37:23,783
I'd be at the community pool.
People are like...
709
00:37:24,200 --> 00:37:25,368
[laughter]
710
00:37:28,287 --> 00:37:30,665
"Why is Amy wearing wool shorts?"
711
00:37:30,873 --> 00:37:32,041
[laughter]
712
00:37:42,093 --> 00:37:45,221
But I have to give it up for my mom.
She made me so confident.
713
00:37:45,304 --> 00:37:47,807
She just straight lied to me as a kid.
714
00:37:48,057 --> 00:37:49,225
[laughter]
715
00:37:49,433 --> 00:37:51,310
It's tough to say "confident"...
716
00:37:52,019 --> 00:37:53,521
as a woman, you know?
717
00:37:53,604 --> 00:37:56,816
You put on TV.
We see all these gorgeous women.
718
00:37:57,316 --> 00:38:00,861
We have to compete with what's her face,
the Mother of Dragons.
719
00:38:00,945 --> 00:38:01,779
What's her name?
720
00:38:01,862 --> 00:38:04,365
- [woman] Khaleesi!
- Kris Jenner. It's just...
721
00:38:04,448 --> 00:38:05,908
[laughter]
722
00:38:08,577 --> 00:38:09,870
It's tough.
723
00:38:10,621 --> 00:38:11,956
It's tough out there.
724
00:38:12,039 --> 00:38:13,874
[cheering]
725
00:38:15,042 --> 00:38:16,961
No, I love the Kardashians.
726
00:38:17,586 --> 00:38:21,257
The Kardashians are so confident,
they confuse me about my own confidence.
727
00:38:21,340 --> 00:38:24,719
So before I was pregnant, I was
kind of like feeling myself one day,
728
00:38:24,802 --> 00:38:26,304
and I bought lingerie.
729
00:38:26,387 --> 00:38:27,221
Like...
730
00:38:27,305 --> 00:38:28,514
the real shit.
731
00:38:29,015 --> 00:38:29,890
Like...
732
00:38:29,974 --> 00:38:32,393
the, you know, fishnets, and then...
733
00:38:32,476 --> 00:38:34,478
like the pulley system here.
734
00:38:34,937 --> 00:38:35,937
You know?
735
00:38:36,564 --> 00:38:38,364
Thought they would've updated
that technology,
736
00:38:38,399 --> 00:38:41,819
but it's still a pulley system,
and then, you know, the boost...
737
00:38:41,902 --> 00:38:43,404
Whatever it's called. And...
738
00:38:43,863 --> 00:38:45,740
You know, I went. I paid for it.
739
00:38:46,490 --> 00:38:50,411
I tried it on at home, you know,
where I could take my own life, and...
740
00:38:50,619 --> 00:38:51,787
[laughter]
741
00:38:52,830 --> 00:38:54,999
In the safety of home, and...
742
00:38:57,668 --> 00:39:00,588
I tried it on, and I was kind of ready
to blow my own mind.
743
00:39:01,047 --> 00:39:02,214
[laughter]
744
00:39:02,715 --> 00:39:06,635
I kind of sidled up to the mirror,
and I check myself out, and I was like,
745
00:39:06,719 --> 00:39:08,179
"Oh.
746
00:39:09,347 --> 00:39:12,099
This isn't for everybody.
747
00:39:12,475 --> 00:39:13,642
[laughter]
748
00:39:15,436 --> 00:39:16,604
Hmm.
749
00:39:17,688 --> 00:39:18,773
Okay."
750
00:39:20,733 --> 00:39:22,836
I looked like I should have been
on Law & Order, like,
751
00:39:22,860 --> 00:39:24,403
"He went that way."
752
00:39:24,570 --> 00:39:25,738
[laughter]
753
00:39:34,038 --> 00:39:37,291
My fishnets looked like
they'd caught an actual fish. It was...
754
00:39:37,375 --> 00:39:38,417
[laughter]
755
00:39:41,629 --> 00:39:42,880
It was pretty confusing.
756
00:39:45,883 --> 00:39:48,052
It's tough to say "confident" as a girl.
757
00:39:49,261 --> 00:39:51,180
I don't know what I'm having.
758
00:39:51,263 --> 00:39:52,515
I hope it's a girl.
759
00:39:53,182 --> 00:39:54,225
Um...
760
00:39:54,975 --> 00:39:58,687
But really just because
it's such a scary time for men.
761
00:39:59,438 --> 00:40:01,148
[laughter]
762
00:40:02,942 --> 00:40:06,737
[cheering, applause]
763
00:40:08,697 --> 00:40:12,993
Such a scary time. Men, thank you so much
for leaving your houses tonight.
764
00:40:13,077 --> 00:40:14,120
I just...
765
00:40:15,496 --> 00:40:16,496
God.
766
00:40:16,539 --> 00:40:18,457
First responders, just...
767
00:40:19,291 --> 00:40:20,501
so brave.
768
00:40:22,503 --> 00:40:26,549
I don't know if men know how scared we are
as women all the time.
769
00:40:28,050 --> 00:40:32,638
Like, one in three of us will be assaulted
at some point in our lives.
770
00:40:32,721 --> 00:40:34,890
If you're a woman of color,
it's even more than that.
771
00:40:34,974 --> 00:40:37,393
If you're a trans woman, forget it.
772
00:40:38,436 --> 00:40:39,979
At night in New York,
773
00:40:40,062 --> 00:40:43,524
if I take the subway at night,
I will run home.
774
00:40:44,024 --> 00:40:45,526
Women, we run home.
775
00:40:46,235 --> 00:40:47,486
Not for the cardio.
776
00:40:48,612 --> 00:40:51,157
It's true. When you walk to your car
in a dark parking lot,
777
00:40:51,240 --> 00:40:52,116
what do you ladies do?
778
00:40:52,199 --> 00:40:55,995
We do the little makeshift brass knuckle
with our key, right?
779
00:40:56,912 --> 00:40:59,832
I don't know what our plan is
with that key in our knuckle.
780
00:41:00,833 --> 00:41:01,917
"Oh, no, you don't!
781
00:41:02,001 --> 00:41:03,544
Ahh!
782
00:41:06,255 --> 00:41:09,091
Not on my watch. Boop-boop!" I mean...
783
00:41:09,175 --> 00:41:10,176
[laughter]
784
00:41:13,637 --> 00:41:18,225
There was a study done, and it said
that women mostly fear violence.
785
00:41:18,309 --> 00:41:19,685
That's our number one fear.
786
00:41:20,644 --> 00:41:24,273
And the same study
showed that men's number one fear...
787
00:41:25,357 --> 00:41:26,567
was ridicule.
788
00:41:28,861 --> 00:41:30,863
Oh... Yeah, God!
789
00:41:30,988 --> 00:41:32,156
[laughter]
790
00:41:33,115 --> 00:41:36,118
I'm so sorry. I didn't know
you guys were going through that.
791
00:41:36,452 --> 00:41:37,620
[laughter]
792
00:41:38,204 --> 00:41:40,206
It must be so hard for you.
793
00:41:41,832 --> 00:41:43,292
Do you guys run home?
794
00:41:44,752 --> 00:41:48,088
Because you're afraid of somebody
telling a little jokey about you?
795
00:41:48,172 --> 00:41:49,340
[laughter]
796
00:41:50,299 --> 00:41:52,676
[women whooping, cheering]
797
00:41:55,721 --> 00:41:57,223
[laughs]
798
00:41:59,725 --> 00:42:03,604
I think that we need to start
from scratch, you know?
799
00:42:03,687 --> 00:42:07,858
I'm so grateful to this new generation
of women that came along and they're like,
800
00:42:07,942 --> 00:42:11,278
"Hey, have you been getting sexually
harassed like this your whole lives?"
801
00:42:11,362 --> 00:42:12,362
And we're like,
802
00:42:12,947 --> 00:42:13,948
"Oh, yeah!"
803
00:42:14,406 --> 00:42:15,824
[laughter]
804
00:42:16,825 --> 00:42:20,496
And they're like, "Yeah. You wanna
do something about that?" And we're like,
805
00:42:21,163 --> 00:42:22,623
"Oh, yeah.
806
00:42:22,706 --> 00:42:23,832
[laughter]
807
00:42:23,916 --> 00:42:26,043
That's a very good idea."
808
00:42:26,752 --> 00:42:29,672
They're like, "Yeah."
And we're like, "Oh."
809
00:42:29,755 --> 00:42:31,840
We're so used to it, you know?
810
00:42:32,633 --> 00:42:34,426
You're at work, and you're like,
811
00:42:34,510 --> 00:42:37,596
"I have to make every guy think
that we also might fuck
812
00:42:37,680 --> 00:42:39,223
and do a good job."
813
00:42:39,473 --> 00:42:40,641
[laughter]
814
00:42:42,476 --> 00:42:44,270
It's not fair.
It's not fair to men either.
815
00:42:44,353 --> 00:42:48,607
You guys are raised with so much pressure
to be so masculine at such a young age.
816
00:42:48,691 --> 00:42:50,192
It's bullshit.
817
00:42:50,276 --> 00:42:52,611
It sucks.
It's like a six-year-old kid crying.
818
00:42:53,195 --> 00:42:54,905
"Stop crying, you little pussy."
819
00:42:55,030 --> 00:42:56,198
[laughter]
820
00:42:57,741 --> 00:43:00,536
We toughen them up at a young age
so they don't get made fun of,
821
00:43:00,619 --> 00:43:04,039
and then, as little girls,
you're in school with these boys,
822
00:43:04,123 --> 00:43:07,585
and when a little boy is mean to you
or he teases you, what does everybody say?
823
00:43:07,668 --> 00:43:10,004
- [woman] He likes you.
- "He likes you."
824
00:43:10,421 --> 00:43:11,630
Ooh!
825
00:43:12,423 --> 00:43:15,009
You're like, "He knocked my books
out of my hands."
826
00:43:15,426 --> 00:43:17,011
"Whoo!
827
00:43:17,094 --> 00:43:18,345
[laughter]
828
00:43:18,429 --> 00:43:21,140
Looks like somebody
has a little boyfriend at school.
829
00:43:22,016 --> 00:43:23,434
That's a good thing."
830
00:43:23,767 --> 00:43:25,519
And you're like, "Oh.
831
00:43:25,978 --> 00:43:27,229
That's a good thing!
832
00:43:27,730 --> 00:43:28,897
Okay!
833
00:43:29,315 --> 00:43:31,317
I'm the luckiest girl in school."
834
00:43:31,525 --> 00:43:32,693
[laughter]
835
00:43:33,152 --> 00:43:34,445
"He pushed me down the stairs."
836
00:43:34,528 --> 00:43:35,904
"You're going to prom!"
837
00:43:35,988 --> 00:43:37,031
"Prom!"
838
00:43:37,364 --> 00:43:38,616
[laughter]
839
00:43:39,199 --> 00:43:42,036
Right? Then we grow up
and we all have friends who were like,
840
00:43:42,119 --> 00:43:43,912
"Why do I only date assholes?"
841
00:43:44,538 --> 00:43:47,666
'Cause you've been trained to do that
since you were a toddler.
842
00:43:48,334 --> 00:43:51,334
You know, we have friends who are like,
"You should see us when we're alone.
843
00:43:51,378 --> 00:43:54,757
He's still really mean to me,
but it's not as embarrassing."
844
00:43:54,840 --> 00:43:55,841
[giggles]
845
00:43:57,426 --> 00:44:00,054
It doesn't occur to us
to be with someone who's kind
846
00:44:00,137 --> 00:44:02,389
until we're, like, almost dead, you know?
847
00:44:02,973 --> 00:44:04,141
[laughter]
848
00:44:05,976 --> 00:44:09,563
I mean, who cares? We're about to lose
our rights, anyway. Right, ladies?
849
00:44:10,564 --> 00:44:13,984
Take 'em. I'm sick of it.
Give me my bonnet. Give me my cape.
850
00:44:14,526 --> 00:44:15,694
[laughter]
851
00:44:16,153 --> 00:44:19,198
I'm ready.
Done washing my hair all the time.
852
00:44:21,200 --> 00:44:23,994
I mean, look at us making decisions
about our own bodies.
853
00:44:24,078 --> 00:44:25,913
Who do we think we are? Men?
854
00:44:26,997 --> 00:44:27,998
Come on!
855
00:44:28,499 --> 00:44:30,125
Decisions are hard.
856
00:44:32,336 --> 00:44:33,921
Rights feel heavy.
857
00:44:34,338 --> 00:44:35,506
[laughter]
858
00:44:36,924 --> 00:44:41,136
I want people who know better than anyone
making the decisions about my body.
859
00:44:41,220 --> 00:44:44,139
I want to call up Mitch McConnell
and be like, "Girl!
860
00:44:44,556 --> 00:44:45,557
[laughter]
861
00:44:45,641 --> 00:44:49,395
My discharge is brown, baby girl.
What should I do?
862
00:44:51,146 --> 00:44:52,439
Mitch!
863
00:44:53,482 --> 00:44:57,444
Chuck Grassley, I've got cramps.
Am I ovulating, queen?
864
00:44:57,945 --> 00:44:59,279
[laughter]
865
00:45:00,155 --> 00:45:02,616
Lindsey mammo-Graham, feel this.
What you think?
866
00:45:03,283 --> 00:45:04,410
You guys know."
867
00:45:07,454 --> 00:45:10,165
Maybe some of you heard
I got arrested in October.
868
00:45:10,791 --> 00:45:13,210
- [cheering]
- Thank you.
869
00:45:14,628 --> 00:45:15,629
Thank you.
870
00:45:16,004 --> 00:45:18,048
God's work. Um... [chuckles]
871
00:45:19,925 --> 00:45:23,470
I went down to DC to get arrested.
872
00:45:23,554 --> 00:45:26,432
The different news outlets wrote about it.
873
00:45:26,515 --> 00:45:28,058
Like, "Schumer's been detained,"
874
00:45:28,142 --> 00:45:31,353
like I was just on a walking tour
of the Washington Monument.
875
00:45:34,022 --> 00:45:37,985
But I went down there to oppose
Brett Kavanaugh's confirmation.
876
00:45:38,068 --> 00:45:41,447
[crowd cheers]
877
00:45:41,530 --> 00:45:43,115
Thank you, sisters.
878
00:45:44,450 --> 00:45:46,285
Men, you can clap too.
879
00:45:47,077 --> 00:45:48,829
[cheering, applause]
880
00:45:49,538 --> 00:45:52,416
Spoiler alert. It didn't go our way.
881
00:45:52,791 --> 00:45:54,293
[laughter]
882
00:45:55,586 --> 00:45:58,756
The whole way down, I was really nervous
about getting arrested.
883
00:45:59,256 --> 00:46:01,425
I've been arrested before,
obviously, but...
884
00:46:01,842 --> 00:46:03,010
[laughter]
885
00:46:03,969 --> 00:46:08,015
But I was obsessed
with the fear of being hungry.
886
00:46:08,515 --> 00:46:09,600
[laughter]
887
00:46:09,683 --> 00:46:12,186
You know, while I was locked up. So...
888
00:46:12,644 --> 00:46:15,105
It probably would have been like that
before I was pregnant,
889
00:46:15,189 --> 00:46:17,691
but that just doubled it,
so the whole way down...
890
00:46:18,442 --> 00:46:20,903
And, you know, we get down there, and...
891
00:46:21,278 --> 00:46:23,906
it was really intense
and really emotional, and...
892
00:46:24,656 --> 00:46:26,536
We were gonna get arrested
on the Capitol steps,
893
00:46:26,575 --> 00:46:29,578
but they barricaded those,
so we all rush into the Hart Building,
894
00:46:29,661 --> 00:46:31,205
where the senators' offices are,
895
00:46:31,288 --> 00:46:32,664
and we all flood in this hallway,
896
00:46:32,748 --> 00:46:36,710
and, you know, the banners are flying
and the Capitol police are closing in,
897
00:46:36,794 --> 00:46:39,963
and we know we're about to be arrested,
and everyone's chanting,
898
00:46:40,047 --> 00:46:41,215
"No justice, no peace,"
899
00:46:41,298 --> 00:46:44,927
and, "We believe survivors.
We believe survivors."
900
00:46:45,719 --> 00:46:48,847
And I know we're about to be arrested,
so I am...
901
00:46:48,931 --> 00:46:51,558
ramming snacks in my mouth. I am...
902
00:46:51,892 --> 00:46:53,685
[shouting]
903
00:46:54,812 --> 00:46:57,773
Everyone's, "We Believe,"
and I'm... [screams]
904
00:46:58,190 --> 00:47:01,401
And the Capitol police are looking at me
like, "What the fuck?" I'm like...
905
00:47:01,485 --> 00:47:03,070
[screams]
906
00:47:03,153 --> 00:47:05,614
Just Cookie Monster,
crumbling shit on my face.
907
00:47:07,366 --> 00:47:10,536
I got arrested with my friend,
Emily Ratajkowski, who's a supermodel,
908
00:47:10,619 --> 00:47:15,123
like gorgeous, you know. And she's
in this hot outfit, and she's like,
909
00:47:15,207 --> 00:47:16,667
"We believe survivors,"
910
00:47:16,750 --> 00:47:20,462
and I'm in a Department of Sanitation
shirt, and I'm like...
911
00:47:20,546 --> 00:47:22,381
[screams] "Ahh!"
912
00:47:22,464 --> 00:47:23,464
[laughter]
913
00:47:26,051 --> 00:47:27,553
And some people criticized me.
914
00:47:27,636 --> 00:47:30,305
They were like,
"That was irresponsible. You're pregnant."
915
00:47:30,389 --> 00:47:32,349
And I was like,
"That's why I went down there."
916
00:47:32,432 --> 00:47:35,727
I want to be able to tell this kid
I did everything I could.
917
00:47:36,854 --> 00:47:37,938
You know?
918
00:47:38,021 --> 00:47:40,107
[cheering and applause]
919
00:47:40,190 --> 00:47:43,235
And D.C., I heard,
has the best cocaine, so...
920
00:47:45,863 --> 00:47:48,574
My friend said it's fine. Uh...
921
00:47:51,535 --> 00:47:52,744
A baby.
922
00:47:53,287 --> 00:47:54,121
Guys,
923
00:47:54,204 --> 00:47:56,373
what the fuck am I doing?
924
00:47:56,874 --> 00:47:58,041
[laughter]
925
00:47:59,084 --> 00:48:00,794
We have no idea what we're doing.
926
00:48:01,336 --> 00:48:05,549
We have some books at home,
and every week, there's a terrifying video
927
00:48:05,632 --> 00:48:08,135
saying what's going on
in the baby's development.
928
00:48:08,218 --> 00:48:09,636
"This week,
929
00:48:09,720 --> 00:48:13,974
your baby is growing fur
and eating you from the inside."
930
00:48:14,224 --> 00:48:15,392
[laughter]
931
00:48:16,852 --> 00:48:21,315
I'm glad I found a good partner, you know?
Like, he's solid as hell.
932
00:48:21,398 --> 00:48:25,027
Yeah. I just... I didn't have the energy
for dating anymore, like...
933
00:48:25,110 --> 00:48:27,487
Remember when you hook up with someone
the first time?
934
00:48:27,571 --> 00:48:30,824
Do you remember
you used to undress each other?
935
00:48:32,075 --> 00:48:34,995
Know what I'm talking about?
They do that in movies. So you're like...
936
00:48:35,078 --> 00:48:37,080
[imitating kissing]
937
00:48:38,040 --> 00:48:39,750
[laughter]
938
00:48:40,417 --> 00:48:43,086
It's always hard. In movies...
939
00:48:43,170 --> 00:48:47,049
But you're like, okay, a braided belt,
and there is the silver thing.
940
00:48:47,215 --> 00:48:48,342
[laughter]
941
00:48:48,425 --> 00:48:50,510
And then, oh, a button fly.
942
00:48:50,594 --> 00:48:52,471
I'll just kind of yank it.
943
00:48:53,180 --> 00:48:56,975
And your sock. Am I in fucking retail?
Take your own shit off.
944
00:48:57,768 --> 00:48:59,019
My back hurts.
945
00:48:59,102 --> 00:49:00,270
[laughter]
946
00:49:05,108 --> 00:49:07,694
I was in bed with my husband
the other night.
947
00:49:07,778 --> 00:49:12,074
I was holding our dog,
and my husband just took off my underwear.
948
00:49:12,824 --> 00:49:14,534
And I looked over at him and I was like,
949
00:49:15,494 --> 00:49:17,579
"Oh, no."
950
00:49:17,663 --> 00:49:19,665
[laughter]
951
00:49:20,832 --> 00:49:22,542
That's crazy, you know.
952
00:49:24,336 --> 00:49:25,587
He was kind of like,
953
00:49:25,671 --> 00:49:28,340
"Okay." Like he didn't give a shit
too much, you know.
954
00:49:29,716 --> 00:49:31,635
And we're lying there, and I'm like...
955
00:49:32,344 --> 00:49:34,429
"Can you put my underwear back on?"
956
00:49:34,721 --> 00:49:35,889
[laughter]
957
00:49:37,516 --> 00:49:41,728
Such sad foreshadowing watching him,
like, dress my lifeless body.
958
00:49:42,062 --> 00:49:43,397
[laughter]
959
00:49:49,152 --> 00:49:51,530
We were at the gynecologist
a couple months ago,
960
00:49:52,155 --> 00:49:56,284
and I asked, "Is it safe to have sex
while pregnant?" And she was like,
961
00:49:56,785 --> 00:50:00,622
"Yes, it is safe to have sex
through the whole pregnancy."
962
00:50:00,706 --> 00:50:01,706
And I was like,
963
00:50:02,249 --> 00:50:04,459
"We'll be seeking a second opinion."
964
00:50:04,584 --> 00:50:05,752
[laughter]
965
00:50:09,631 --> 00:50:10,966
That's fucking...
966
00:50:14,052 --> 00:50:16,096
I was trying to signal her, you know.
967
00:50:17,055 --> 00:50:18,181
"Hey.
968
00:50:18,598 --> 00:50:20,100
Do you think it's safe...
969
00:50:21,268 --> 00:50:22,978
[laughter]
970
00:50:24,688 --> 00:50:26,773
for us to have sex?
971
00:50:27,149 --> 00:50:29,735
[silently mouths]
972
00:50:30,777 --> 00:50:33,697
Do you think it would probably kill
the baby and we shouldn't do it?"
973
00:50:33,989 --> 00:50:35,157
[laughter]
974
00:50:37,993 --> 00:50:41,079
She's like,
"No, it's safe the whole time."
975
00:50:41,163 --> 00:50:43,331
I was like, "Okay. Okay."
976
00:50:44,583 --> 00:50:45,959
[laughter]
977
00:50:46,043 --> 00:50:49,588
Do you want me to come to your house
to tell your husband he can fuck you?
978
00:50:49,671 --> 00:50:50,672
[laughter]
979
00:50:54,342 --> 00:50:56,553
'Cause people tell you.
You're like, wow, that was fast.
980
00:50:56,636 --> 00:50:58,430
"Last time we saw you,
you were single, Amy,
981
00:50:58,513 --> 00:51:00,891
and you already
don't want to fuck your husband?"
982
00:51:00,974 --> 00:51:02,142
[laughter]
983
00:51:02,434 --> 00:51:05,187
I usually do, but I have hyperemesis.
984
00:51:06,021 --> 00:51:08,523
And you know everyone says,
"When you get married,
985
00:51:08,607 --> 00:51:10,692
get ready to stop having sex."
986
00:51:11,318 --> 00:51:12,652
And we were like, "Not us.
987
00:51:13,320 --> 00:51:15,697
We're fucking for life," you know.
988
00:51:16,031 --> 00:51:17,407
[laughter]
989
00:51:19,117 --> 00:51:22,370
Now he, like, touches my shoulder
on the couch, and I'm like,
990
00:51:22,454 --> 00:51:23,872
"Can I help you?
991
00:51:23,955 --> 00:51:26,333
[laughter and applause]
992
00:51:31,296 --> 00:51:33,256
I'm over here. You're over there."
993
00:51:33,590 --> 00:51:35,634
[laughter]
994
00:51:40,847 --> 00:51:42,599
The spontaneity is over.
995
00:51:42,933 --> 00:51:44,142
Thank God.
996
00:51:44,226 --> 00:51:46,228
You know,
when you're first falling in love,
997
00:51:46,311 --> 00:51:48,772
like you might always have sex.
998
00:51:48,855 --> 00:51:49,773
Every time you pee,
999
00:51:49,856 --> 00:51:52,502
you've gotta make sure you clean
the toilet paper out of your pussy.
1000
00:51:52,526 --> 00:51:53,568
Every time you pee.
1001
00:51:53,652 --> 00:51:55,028
[laughter]
1002
00:51:55,862 --> 00:51:56,862
Every time.
1003
00:52:04,246 --> 00:52:07,916
That is over. I have, like,
half a roll of Charmin in there right now.
1004
00:52:07,999 --> 00:52:09,668
[laughter]
1005
00:52:09,751 --> 00:52:10,836
Yeah.
1006
00:52:11,294 --> 00:52:12,295
[scoffs]
1007
00:52:15,340 --> 00:52:17,717
I'm psyched to be done. I am.
1008
00:52:17,801 --> 00:52:19,845
Especially dating someone new, you know.
1009
00:52:19,928 --> 00:52:23,390
And I'm glad I married someone,
he's my age. We're the same age, so...
1010
00:52:24,057 --> 00:52:26,893
You know, we both grew up
without Internet porn.
1011
00:52:27,936 --> 00:52:29,271
That's a huge deal, right?
1012
00:52:29,354 --> 00:52:30,814
Like, you know,
1013
00:52:30,897 --> 00:52:33,733
now I feel like you can't
fuck a millennial without them being like,
1014
00:52:33,817 --> 00:52:36,903
"Can you dress like an emoji?"
You're like, "No!"
1015
00:52:37,779 --> 00:52:39,030
What the fuck?
1016
00:52:39,114 --> 00:52:40,407
[laughter]
1017
00:52:43,076 --> 00:52:43,952
No.
1018
00:52:44,035 --> 00:52:46,788
And there's so many
different types of porn. It's crazy.
1019
00:52:47,706 --> 00:52:50,834
One of the biggest searches is "gag porn."
1020
00:52:51,501 --> 00:52:52,836
Have you heard of that?
1021
00:52:52,919 --> 00:52:55,505
That's where the girl gags
on the guy's penis
1022
00:52:55,589 --> 00:52:57,132
because it's too darn big.
1023
00:52:57,215 --> 00:52:58,675
[laughter]
1024
00:52:59,259 --> 00:53:00,927
I personally never had the plesh.
1025
00:53:01,428 --> 00:53:03,096
[laughter]
1026
00:53:06,474 --> 00:53:09,561
I just wanted to remind you that I've
never struggled with it, even though...
1027
00:53:09,644 --> 00:53:11,396
You remember the size of my mouth, right?
1028
00:53:11,479 --> 00:53:13,023
Do you remember how big my mouth is?
1029
00:53:13,106 --> 00:53:16,193
[laughter and applause]
1030
00:53:18,695 --> 00:53:20,780
Just like a tiny bow. You could put...
1031
00:53:22,782 --> 00:53:24,868
Okay, yeah. You remember.
1032
00:53:27,245 --> 00:53:29,080
Gag porn. Like that one...
1033
00:53:29,164 --> 00:53:30,874
That one is strange to me.
1034
00:53:30,957 --> 00:53:33,668
Like you're clicking
on all these different windows.
1035
00:53:33,752 --> 00:53:35,879
Nothing, nothing.
And then a girl's like...
1036
00:53:35,962 --> 00:53:39,257
[retches] And you're like,
"Mmm, wait a minute. [laughs]
1037
00:53:39,341 --> 00:53:40,592
[laughter]
1038
00:53:41,760 --> 00:53:43,261
What have we here?"
1039
00:53:44,888 --> 00:53:46,056
[retches]
1040
00:53:47,390 --> 00:53:50,185
Maximize screen. "Okay. Okay."
1041
00:53:52,312 --> 00:53:53,312
If you're into gag porn,
1042
00:53:53,355 --> 00:53:55,666
you should've been living at my house
the last five months.
1043
00:53:55,690 --> 00:53:56,983
You'd be hard as a rock.
1044
00:53:57,317 --> 00:53:58,818
[laughter]
1045
00:54:01,446 --> 00:54:03,907
Something else I won't miss,
and this is my PSA...
1046
00:54:04,324 --> 00:54:05,450
to men.
1047
00:54:06,451 --> 00:54:10,664
A lot of men don't really understand
how to put themselves inside you.
1048
00:54:11,831 --> 00:54:13,750
Not really. Even missionary.
1049
00:54:14,918 --> 00:54:16,158
They're... You know, they're...
1050
00:54:16,211 --> 00:54:18,255
It's the wrong hole, or not a hole.
1051
00:54:18,338 --> 00:54:20,966
You're like,
"You have to use an existing hole, sir."
1052
00:54:21,299 --> 00:54:22,717
[laughter]
1053
00:54:24,094 --> 00:54:27,639
You're not going to confuse my body
into making a new hole.
1054
00:54:28,014 --> 00:54:29,182
[laughter]
1055
00:54:30,600 --> 00:54:32,018
But most guys can figure it out,
1056
00:54:32,102 --> 00:54:35,855
but you really realize that
they don't understand where our hole goes
1057
00:54:35,939 --> 00:54:38,191
when they're behind you, right?
1058
00:54:38,817 --> 00:54:40,652
'Cause during some sex,
1059
00:54:41,319 --> 00:54:46,074
it's always I don't know whose suggestion
to not look at your face anymore.
1060
00:54:46,408 --> 00:54:47,575
[laughter]
1061
00:54:48,076 --> 00:54:50,620
"How about you turn around?" "Oh, okay."
1062
00:54:52,831 --> 00:54:55,041
You look back over the shoulder,
they're like,
1063
00:54:55,125 --> 00:54:56,543
"Nope!" You're like, "Okay.
1064
00:54:56,626 --> 00:54:58,086
[laughter]
1065
00:54:58,420 --> 00:54:59,421
I'll be here."
1066
00:55:05,093 --> 00:55:08,430
That's when you know because
there's a whole population of men
1067
00:55:08,513 --> 00:55:12,559
who, once they get back there behind you,
they'll kneel back there
1068
00:55:12,642 --> 00:55:14,144
and just wait.
1069
00:55:16,271 --> 00:55:17,647
Dick in the wind.
1070
00:55:17,981 --> 00:55:19,649
[laughter]
1071
00:55:21,151 --> 00:55:22,694
And you're up here, like...
1072
00:55:26,823 --> 00:55:29,075
"Uh... We're rolling."
1073
00:55:29,451 --> 00:55:30,952
[laughter]
1074
00:55:36,207 --> 00:55:39,252
And you realize
that he's waiting for you...
1075
00:55:40,837 --> 00:55:43,214
who's on all fours...
1076
00:55:43,381 --> 00:55:44,549
[laughter]
1077
00:55:44,924 --> 00:55:46,885
...to reach back...
1078
00:55:48,428 --> 00:55:50,555
and put him inside you.
1079
00:55:51,222 --> 00:55:54,100
You're like, "Oh, you want me to...?
1080
00:55:54,184 --> 00:55:55,769
Oh, Okay. Uh...
1081
00:55:56,644 --> 00:55:57,771
Yeah.
1082
00:55:57,854 --> 00:56:00,315
I'll just use my head as,
like, a kickstand, just...
1083
00:56:00,732 --> 00:56:04,611
[laughter and applause]
1084
00:56:08,323 --> 00:56:11,701
Yeah. No, it makes sense.
I have the better angle here.
1085
00:56:15,455 --> 00:56:18,500
You want to back the garage
up to the car, is what...?"
1086
00:56:18,583 --> 00:56:19,667
[laughter]
1087
00:56:22,796 --> 00:56:23,796
Okay.
1088
00:56:25,507 --> 00:56:29,928
Nope, it's fine. You've had a long day
making more money than me. Here I come."
1089
00:56:30,011 --> 00:56:33,306
[cheering and applause]
1090
00:56:44,442 --> 00:56:45,485
Luckily,
1091
00:56:46,152 --> 00:56:48,279
my husband does not have that problem.
1092
00:56:48,655 --> 00:56:49,823
[laughter]
1093
00:56:50,407 --> 00:56:51,741
Because...
1094
00:56:52,242 --> 00:56:53,701
of that joke.
1095
00:56:54,119 --> 00:56:56,204
[laughter]
1096
00:56:57,705 --> 00:57:00,250
[applause]
1097
00:57:02,669 --> 00:57:05,505
I know I talk so much shit about, uh,
1098
00:57:05,839 --> 00:57:09,676
my pregnancy, and it has not been easy,
but we're so fucking excited,
1099
00:57:09,759 --> 00:57:13,263
and I do feel really lucky
that I was able to get pregnant.
1100
00:57:14,556 --> 00:57:15,556
Yeah.
1101
00:57:15,598 --> 00:57:18,643
[applause, whooping]
1102
00:57:20,728 --> 00:57:21,729
So I...
1103
00:57:22,647 --> 00:57:26,985
was single, you know,
most of my life, and felt pretty happy.
1104
00:57:27,068 --> 00:57:31,739
I love my family and friends, and I feel
really satisfied with work, and...
1105
00:57:32,449 --> 00:57:33,950
kind of had accepted that, you know?
1106
00:57:34,033 --> 00:57:36,578
And then I just happened...
1107
00:57:37,370 --> 00:57:41,166
to meet this guy,
and if you're out there and you're dating
1108
00:57:41,249 --> 00:57:42,250
and you're just thinking,
1109
00:57:42,333 --> 00:57:45,879
"Why can't I meet the right one?" It's not
that you haven't met the right one yet.
1110
00:57:45,962 --> 00:57:47,422
I wish someone had told me this.
1111
00:57:47,505 --> 00:57:50,383
It's not that you haven't met
the right one yet. It's just...
1112
00:57:50,467 --> 00:57:51,676
that you have to wait...
1113
00:57:52,427 --> 00:57:54,095
for them to get tired.
1114
00:57:54,888 --> 00:57:56,764
[laughter]
1115
00:57:58,224 --> 00:57:59,851
No one told me, right?
1116
00:57:59,934 --> 00:58:03,188
Because men in their 20s and their 30s
are just running around.
1117
00:58:03,271 --> 00:58:06,900
[groaning]
1118
00:58:08,359 --> 00:58:09,486
[pants]
1119
00:58:09,569 --> 00:58:11,571
[groaning continues]
1120
00:58:12,572 --> 00:58:15,658
And then their late 30s,
they're like, "Oh, God!
1121
00:58:16,034 --> 00:58:17,702
Phew. Oh, God!"
1122
00:58:19,329 --> 00:58:21,498
And that's when you come along
and you go...
1123
00:58:22,540 --> 00:58:23,541
"Come on."
1124
00:58:23,958 --> 00:58:25,919
[laughter]
1125
00:58:27,086 --> 00:58:30,715
[cheering and applause]
1126
00:58:32,717 --> 00:58:35,929
And they're like, "Where are we going?"
And you're like...
1127
00:58:37,055 --> 00:58:40,225
"We're going to sit on the couch
and watch Bravo till we die."
1128
00:58:40,308 --> 00:58:41,976
[laughter]
1129
00:58:42,519 --> 00:58:45,813
[cheering, applause]
1130
00:58:48,525 --> 00:58:50,818
Thank you so much, Chicago.
1131
00:58:51,653 --> 00:58:53,071
I love you.
1132
00:58:53,154 --> 00:58:54,781
[cheering]
1133
00:59:19,681 --> 00:59:22,058
I realized how ashamed I was of my period.
1134
00:59:23,393 --> 00:59:25,103
[burps] Excuse me. The baby.
1135
00:59:25,186 --> 00:59:26,479
[laughter]
1136
00:59:27,647 --> 00:59:30,483
Right now, every fart's a gamble.
1137
00:59:30,567 --> 00:59:31,776
[laughter]
1138
00:59:32,902 --> 00:59:33,903
Fart roulette.
1139
00:59:34,529 --> 00:59:35,697
[laughter]
1140
00:59:37,865 --> 00:59:40,034
My money's on brown. Um...
1141
00:59:40,118 --> 00:59:41,160
[laughter]
1142
00:59:41,244 --> 00:59:43,955
So they're flashing a light that says
that I need to get some makeup
1143
00:59:44,038 --> 00:59:46,457
because I'm sweating like a monster.
All right.
1144
00:59:46,541 --> 00:59:50,336
You guys can only see
that I'm sweating here,
1145
00:59:50,420 --> 00:59:53,089
but if there was a camera in my asshole...
1146
00:59:53,172 --> 00:59:54,882
[laughter]
1147
00:59:55,425 --> 00:59:57,885
This is all my hair I bought.
1148
00:59:58,344 --> 00:59:59,721
[laughter]
1149
01:00:00,430 --> 01:00:02,590
There are these two people
right in the front row here.
1150
01:00:02,640 --> 01:00:06,352
I'm not going to look at them,
but these two people. And like...
1151
01:00:07,145 --> 01:00:09,897
They're, like, truly horrified
by everything I'm saying.
1152
01:00:10,231 --> 01:00:11,733
[laughter]
1153
01:00:13,359 --> 01:00:16,321
I'm like, "Did you guys think
you were seeing Godspell?" Okay.
1154
01:00:18,781 --> 01:00:21,326
I promise it's not going to get
any better, you guys.
1155
01:00:21,409 --> 01:00:23,036
[laughter]
78957
Can't find what you're looking for?
Get subtitles in any language from opensubtitles.com, and translate them here.
Afrikaans
Akan
Albanian
Amharic
Arabic
Armenian
Azerbaijani
Basque
Belarusian
Bemba
Bengali
Bihari
Bosnian
Breton
Bulgarian
Cambodian
Catalan
Cebuano
Cherokee
Chichewa
Chinese (Simplified)
Chinese (Traditional)
Corsican
Czech
Danish
Dutch
English
Esperanto
Estonian
Faroese
Finnish
Galician
Georgian
German
Greek
Guarani
Haitian Creole
Hausa
Hawaiian
Hebrew
Hmong
Hungarian
Icelandic
Indonesian
Irish
Italian
Japanese
Kazakh
Kinyarwanda
Kirundi
Kongo
Korean
Krio (Sierra Leone)
Kurdish
Kyrgyz
Laothian
Latin
Latvian
Lithuanian
Luganda
Luo
Luxembourgish
Macedonian
Malagasy
Malay
Maltese
Maori
Mauritian Creole
Moldavian
Mongolian
Myanmar (Burmese)
Montenegrin
Nepali
Norwegian
Pashto
Persian
Polish
Portuguese (Brazil)
Portuguese (Portugal)
Quechua
Romanian
Romansh
Russian
Samoan
Scots Gaelic
Serbian
Sesotho
Setswana
Seychellois Creole
Shona
Sindhi
Sinhalese
Slovak
Slovenian
Somali
Spanish
Swedish
Tajik
Thai
Tigrinya
Tonga
Turkish
Turkmen
Ukrainian
Uzbek
Vietnamese
Welsh
Wolof