Original subtitles

Nice going, Lady Catherine.

You're playing like a young Eugenie Bouchard.

So what's he want, do you think?

Probably wants to try and talk you into doing that ad again.

Yeah. All right, well, so after that video conference with Henry, I get the

of the day to work with Ellen.

So we'll have to do something about that.

What's up?

Sorry, just, um... What do we think of our new tennis coach?

Javier?

Well, he seems like a nice enough fellow. Catherine likes him.

What?

Well, not my business to say.

You don't think he's the one she's... Oh, you've had your suspicions. I know,

but you always said I was being paranoid.

You always said that Catherine was like Caesar's wife. I assumed you'd been

above suspicion, not having an affair with Mark Antony.

Shall we get Miles to do a background check?

No, no, let me look after it.

Too good for me, Lady Catherine.

Ah, let's hit the showers.

Morning, darling.

Morning.

Well, look, it's like I keep trying to explain to Svetlana. Communication is

reductive in the new millennium.

People are reading newspapers on screens. They're reading books on

study on screen.

They shop on screen. They have relationships on screen.

Who's Svetlana?

Some woman in Latvia he's sending money to every month.

He thinks it's a woman.

I'm not so sure.

TV is the lingua franca. You should be over the moon they've optioned the book.

Well, Ellen hasn't even finished it yet. There's a reason for that.

They've done it sight unseen, incidentally. This hasn't happened since

Harris wrote the sequel to Silence of the Lambs. And Hannibal Lecter's a far

less interesting character than you are. Yes, but he's on Channel 10.

But he's a Bob Hawke one.

I see.

Will I see any of it?

Yeah, you will, yeah, most of it. Less my percentage and Ellen's cut. I could

pay off some of my hex debt.

Yeah, I can get you casting approval, Andrew. There's something.

Well, who played Bob?

Richard Roxburgh. He was brilliant.

No, I don't want Bob's hand -me -downs.

William McGuinness did a brilliant John Curtin. Don't like him. He ruined the

sea change for me when he turned up. A lot of people say I look like George

Clooney. Can he do an Australian accent?

Oh, there are plenty of Aussie actors in Hollywood, Andrew. You've got Rusty,

Hugo, Joel, Hugh, that guy who plays Thor.

Or his brother.

Well, whoever he is, he'll have to have a certain charm.

Eric Banner made Chopper likeable.

Yeah, but he doesn't look like me, whereas George does. Andrew, here's a

thought. What about that guy, you know who I mean, grey hair, does that show on

the ABC? Looks a bit like you.

Tony Jones?

I know who you mean.

That comedian.

I don't know about being played by a comedian.

Eric Banner was a comedian.

I think a comedian will bring a lot of goodwill to the role.

I've got plenty of goodwill of my own. It's not as if I'm Kevin Rudd.

What about that guy that used to be on Offspring who Catherine likes?

Matthew Lenevez.

No, no, no, no, no. He played Kerry Packer in his father. He's very

Lockie Hume.

Lockie Hume. Yeah, I reckon he could do me quite easily.

Righto. Consider his agent rung. As a plan B if you can't get George.

Oh, yeah, absolutely.

The other thing we've got to discuss, Andrew, is that ad. Today's the last day

they can shoot that. Henry, I'm a former prime minister. I don't do television

commercials. Well, but... No, I said no four times, all right? Debate is the

office. Whitlam did one for Path to Source.

People think you're grasping and castrapped if you do an ad. Well, it's

charity. Well, it's even less reason to do it if there's no money in it.

It's for children, Andrew. No. With anaphylaxis. I'm busy, all right? I

I've got to write this book with Ellen.

I want that in writing.

Absolutely.

Dead, buried, cremated.

Ironclad guarantee that.

Right, we done? Thank you, Henry.

Thank you, Andrew.

You promised you were going to work with me on the book today, and now you're

having lunch with Dr Clegg from Offspring.

Yeah, yeah, well, this is for the book. Because if Lockie says yes, I'll

greenlight the funding. The telemovie would be great for sales. You should be

very happy.

You know, the RAF deployed chaff during the Second World War.

Little strips of paper covered in aluminium dropped from Lancaster to

German radar. But it didn't take long for the Luftwaffe to work out what

Command were up to and develop a countermeasure. That's great.

It's exactly that level of historical detail that's going to make this book a

bestseller. Well done.

You know, my grandfather flew in the same squadron as John Gordon. It's a

interesting story. You see, that's interesting. You never told me that

Hey, do you want to meet Lockie? Because he's going to be here in half an hour.

Okay, but didn't you want me to write up some sample scenes?

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Just put together some of my better quotes so he gets a

sense of my voice. And when you're done, you can come out and give it to him.

We'll be in the garden.

Why aren't you doing the ad?

You do know that one in every 20 children suffers from immunoglobulin

anaphylaxis? Carol, charities are a very, very personal thing, and I can't

yes to all of them. I'd have no time for anything else.

How you going there, boy?

It's one in every 20 children.

Yeah, well, I don't know any.

Stefan suffers from it. Does he?

Yeah, don't you remember that day he broke out in World 28, that peanut

You were supposed to be looking after him.

Oh, really?

Oh, no, no.

And he said that to you?

Oh.

Papa, can I eat this?

Absolutely. You enjoy yourself, I think.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Hang on, hang on. Not you, boy. Hang on, I'll call you back, Condi. Yeah, on the

secure line.

Spit it out.

Spit it out.

No, no, not you, darling.

Spit it out, boy. Spit it out. Into my hand. Come on. Into my hand. Into my

hand. I command you to spit it into my hand.

Right.

Give it back.

Drop it.

Spit it out.

Spit it out now, boy.

No.

You remember, darling.

His tongue swelled up, and we couldn't understand anything he was saying. I

thought that was a speech impediment. He had to go to hospital!

All right, all right. I didn't say it wasn't a serious speech impediment.

Bye, Papa. Yeah, bye -bye. Have a lovely day at school, boy.

This Sunday, Mr. Andrew, no school unless you're in Pyongyang.

Oh, no more toast.

Javier had the last piece, darling.

Did he?

I'm sorry, Mr. Dugdale. We had quite a vigorous session and worked up quite an

appetite. It's true. He had me dripping with sweat and panting like a dog in

less than 15 minutes.

I'll see you to your car.

No,

thank you, Rita. That's all right. I'll have some of Stefan's cereal instead.

Hope I'm not interrupting.

Hey, Miles.

How's the old screenplay coming along?

Hardly a screenplay. Just a couple of scenes for Harvey Weinstein out there.

Lucky Hume, I heard.

Great friends working overtime downstairs, eh?

No, I actually literally heard.

It's quite spyware installed in Mr D's thunderbolt.

Polyphonic sound, it's like virtually being there.

Need a hand?

If I need any split vinilives, I'll give you a call.

Hmm?

Sorry, Miles, the boss is just proving very lucid today.

Is he?

I could tell you some stories.

Oh, yeah.

I mean, I couldn't because of the official secrecy act, obviously.

It would be treason if I divulged his affairs.

He's had affairs, has he?

I have said too much. I was just coming in to see if you were going to write my

character into the stories.

Because I heard that he and Condoleezza Rice got on pretty well at that embassy

thing. No, no, they were...

looking for the bathroom, separately.

Although, through the glass it might have looked like I was never here.

Certainly hope he's not allergic to sodium.

Serving suggestion.

How is she supposed to eat them unless it's in a bowl with milk?

Don't you believe everything you read, Mr Dugdale, sir?

I have a friend who eats them raw.

And there's nothing wrong with his goiter.

What's this I hear about Lockie Hume coming over?

I guess we're having a meeting about a possible telemovie. Well, nobody told

Well, it's a very accurate wild guess.

Well, Miles overheard Ellen on the phone to her mother.

Really, Andrew, you bang on interminably about all the other tedious shite that

happens in your day, but when something actually interesting happens, something

actually worth sharing with me, you keep it to your damn self.

Part of on, darling, part of on. What?

Pas devant les domestiques, Mrs Dugdale.

Not in front of the servants.

Oh, fuck that. I've got to change.

The ladies certainly seem to like him, Curtis.

Catherine's always going on about how rugged and sexy he looks.

Perfect to play you then, sir.

Thank you, Curtis. More sodium?

If anything, he'll have to ramp it up a bit. Yes, all right. Particularly the

sexiness. It's just getting inappropriate now, Curtis.

Pas devant, sir.

Pas devant.

Per divion, you mean.

She does have a point.

Hello, Ellen, my darling.

Hey, Cass.

You smell nice.

Oh, it's not too much, is it? Do I stink of desperation?

No, no, you've masked it beautifully with all that perfume.

Because I don't want to come across as some ditzy fangirl, you know.

But I am totally in love with Offspring.

I mean, I basically am Nina.

Yeah, look, I've got to finish these things. Oh, yeah, I understand. I just

in for a sharpie.

It's not too much to ask for an autograph, is it? And maybe a selfie?

No, celebrities love that sort of thing.

All right, well, I'll leave you to finish your tea.

I hope you're not working me in as a character.

Yes, an amalgam of you and Miles and you both end up strangled by the Ghost

Rider.

Oh.

Catherine.

Give this to your boss. Tell him to get it fixed.

You're looking good.

Little flushed.

He gave me quite a workout.

I'm surprised you've got enough energy to play tennis.

Jealousy is your least attractive vice.

If you're going to sleep with anyone behind your husband's back, it should be

me. I'm discreet, trustworthy and loyal. With me, there's no chance this is

going to end up in some gossip column.

Oh, so sleeping with you is in Andrew's best interest?

It's what's held us together for ten years. It's safer.

Well, I feel like being dangerous.

And not necessarily just with Javier.

What's his Twitter handle?

At DrewDoug.

Didn't vote for DrewDoug. But, look, you don't have to like a character to play

a character. For example, no actor in his right mind is going to, you know,

knock back the chance to play Macbeth or the Hulk if they're offered it. Because

when you investigate these characters, when you get down into the muck,

sometimes, if you're lucky, you find a little bit of yourself down there in the

dark. You know what I'm saying?

So playing these revolting villainous roles can be very attractive, very

enticing, right?

Ellen, isn't it? Yeah. Yeah.

What were your first impressions of Andrew Dugdale?

Very hospitable.

He gave me a tour of the home, told me about all the famous people that he'd

met, all the awards that he had received.

I think a complete history of his time in office and a very, very exhaustive

account of every single thing he's been doing since he left office.

I think Drew Duck is very, very keen to control the image of himself, how he's

represented, how an actor will portray him in this food park

miniseries.

Word on the street is that Ellen is making us both into an amalgam.

Is that a man or a woman?

I hope it's a man.

Otherwise my dream casting of that guy plays Thor goes out the window.

Oh, don't underestimate his range.

He's got pretty long hair.

Yeah, the whole place is subsiding, but that's half its charm, I think.

Tibetan slate.

It took 12 men to carry it up the stairs.

Now this is where I come to burn off the old spare tyre.

Oh, I mean, hey, don't get me wrong. I've got nothing against these slim,

pretty boys who are trying to look good at the Logies. I'm just saying for me

personally, acting is about the truth, I guess.

Playing a real person, a real life, flesh and blood human being, Prime

no less, well that,

That is all about commitment.

I remember when Roxburgh was playing Bob Hawke. Do you know Richard from

Roxburgh? From Italy, yeah.

Rox gives me a call and he said to me, This one is going to be a lot more about

just putting on a silly wig and tugging at the old earlobe. Right?

Right? And he was right.

But let's face it, it's not as if I haven't walked away with certain prizes

my own.

I know what you mean, Lockie. I actually did a little bit of acting myself at

uni. Salome and Dolly Levi.

On the same night, too.

Was it one curtain call or two, darling?

I remember there being a curtain.

If I take on this role, Drew Duck, be warned.

I'll be in your face 24 -7.

I'll be all over you like a bad rash.

Could be me tugging on your little... earlobe.

Yes, well, absolutely.

I mean, my life's an open book, isn't it, Ellen? Sure, just one with a lot of

pictures and not much text.

Fascinating.

What's the name of the guy who used to go out with Lara Bingle?

Michael Clarke.

That's it.

That's who I'd want to play me.

He's brilliant, that guy. No, you mean Sam Worthington.

He was in Avatar and Clash of the Titans.

No. I mean, Michael Clarke.

Michael Clarke is a cricketer.

A bloody brilliant cricketer.

And this is the... Actually, I don't think I've ever been in this room.

Now, I read in one of those silly magazines that when you were preparing

Offspring that you actually went into a hospital to watch some surgery.

Performed some. Yeah, removed a mole.

So even with a fictional character like Martin Clegg, I think it's important for

one to immerse oneself into the milieu of one's character.

It's the same with every role I play.

Fascinating. Surely there are certain Melios that an actor can't draw on when

he's playing a real character. No, not the Melio, silly. Melio, with a silent

Well, sure.

But say when you were playing Kerry Packer in... How's that?

How's that? When you played Kerry Packer in How's That, he'd been dead for five

years. Yes, but you see, there's art, Drew Duggan, there's life, and of course

there's nature.

Now, some actors,

Like to go to the zoo, for example.

Oh, I love watching animals.

There's something so brutish and primal about them.

No, thank you. I've spent hours at the gorilla enclosure studying the

magnificent African silverback, Kababu, when I was preparing to play Kerry. Of

course, when I was playing his father, Sir Frank Packer, however, I also

Kababu, but from a completely different angle.

Fascinating.

My old nemesis.

What animal do you think you're most like, Mr. Dugdale? That is an excellent

question, Ellen. Go.

Well,

I tell you what, I don't see myself as a silverback.

More a silverfish.

My wife, folks.

Thanks, sweetie.

I thought Bob Hoskins was dead.

Yeah, I think you'd still make a good John Howard.

Kim Beazley would be John Goodman. Julia Gillard, Tilda Swinton.

Christopher Pine.

Ah, Johnny Galecki from Big Bang.

I'm not sure about Pine.

It's important to get the nose right.

That's why Anthony Hopkins never worked for me as Nixon.

It helps if they've got beards.

I don't care if you're Daniel Day -Lewis or whoever it was that played him in

that film where he's a vampire killer. You put a beard on, they're Abraham

Lincoln. Very few politicians have beards.

I can only think of Kim Carr.

And nobody's going to watch a movie about him.

Hmm, I'm not really sure who should play me. Does Kate Blanchett do telemovies?

Well, I think she's rather busy. Well, either her or Nicole Kidman. She fucking

nailed it as Princess Grace. I don't care what anybody says. That's true.

Well, I do hope we can work together, Lockie.

It's just that I'm afraid I'm a bit of a busy boy myself today. Oh, what's going

on? Well, Ellen and I have to work on the book today, don't we, Ellen?

Theoretically. Well, do you mind if I hang around to observe you?

No, no, no, not at all. That would be fine.

It's just that it can be a little bit dry, that's all.

I'll be speaking about...

a desalination plant, so it's a bit dull.

It's very dull, as a matter of fact. Oh, we could talk about Washington Embassy

functions. Sounds even duller.

You don't play tennis at all, do you, Lockie?

Squash, I'd just love to see if I could catch my muse with his guard down and

see the inner workings of this old.

Well, absolutely.

And not a problem at all. Oh, I just remembered. What a pity. Hey, what's

on? Oh, no, no, no. It's so stupid of me, actually. No, I just remembered.

Sonny and I have a thing this afternoon instead, don't we, Sonny? Sorry, Ellen.

What thing?

That thing, you know, that thing.

Catherine, remember?

Catherine, I spoke to you about that thing. What?

The thing. It's been in a diary for months, hasn't it, Rita?

What, the ad?

Yes, the ad.

Yes, the ad. That's it. The ad. It's a charity thing. And it's for... The Nut

Allergy Awareness Foundation. I love those guys.

Well, if you want to know what sort of guy I am, I'm the sort of guy who does

that sort of community service work for nothing.

There's absolutely nothing in it for us, is there, darling? Well, our grandson

is anaphylactic.

A little.

True, yes. But I do it predominantly for others, for the public.

Well, that's great.

I'd love to see this selfless side of you in action.

Well, I do try and keep those sorts of things private.

Ah, I see. That's interesting.

For the public, but in private.

Better write that down, Lockie. Yep. Well, I'm sure it'll be all right.

Sonny, we could probably arrange that, couldn't we, with the Foundation?

Though I imagine they would have the final say.

Absolutely, it wouldn't be a problem at all.

Good, good, good.

His performance, well, the first few takes were just appalling.

I didn't even believe him when he said, Hello, my name is Andrew Dugdale, son.

Anyway, that's why I've volunteered my services to appear in the old Adiruni

with him.

This thing's some hope of at least being worth broadcasting.

So what are these exactly?

Well, they're a soy -based product with cornstarch, maize, seeds, flax and

seaweed extract.

A genuine nut substitute.

No nuts at all. Yes, well, otherwise you wouldn't be able to call them no nuts,

I suppose.

Oh, no.

We'd get into all sorts of trouble if we did that.

Yes, yes. Well, it's a wonderful place, Keith.

Do you package anything else here?

Oh, yes, we do the nutty nut bars, the fuller nut bars, nut creams, 100 %

nut bars, nut brittle, chocolate nut bars, chocolate nut extra nut bars,

nuttoes. I think that's about it.

Apart from the half -hour a day, we do the no -nuts.

And you're not worried about traces of nut ending up in the product?

That's why we put the warning on the pack.

Yeah.

Right.

Locky! Absolutely ruin Hopkins' voice. Hey, Lockie. Yeah. Do you mind if I toss

the no -nut into your mouth rather than my grandson's? Sounds great, Drew, Doug.

And that's why I won't do voiceovers either.

I hate to be a pain, ladies and gentlemen, but I've got a squash match

Taylor at four o 'clock. So let's crank it up. Stand by, everybody. Final check.

Yes, yes.

Lockie's right. It is showtime.

So let's start the shooting of the commercial.

Hyperallergenic reaction.

Thank you.

I've got no nuts, no nut tosser. Take one.

Set and action.

Hello, I'm former Prime Minister Andrew Dugdale.

You may have found some of my policies hard to swallow, but try swallowing

anything after you've had a hyperallergenic reaction, except your

My father's right.

As a mother, I am always on the lookout for a lunchbox snack that is safe and

healthy.

That's why we're all happy to have No Nuts, a yumalicious, non -nut derivative

schoolyard treat with a great, chock -tastic taste.

Don't take our word for it.

Even award -winning actors love them.

Mr. Hulme will need a bronchoscopy to remove the obstacle.

As Chief Pulmonologist, I recommend surgery be carried out immediately.

Yeah, that really got in there, didn't it? Very thoughtful of them to send you

hamper.

May I?

Oh, yes, sir.

It will be painful, and it's likely that scar tissue will make breathing

intermittently difficult for the rest of his life. Well, whatever needs to be

done, Doctor. Money is no object.

The Nut Allergy Awareness Foundation will pay for everything.

That won't be necessary. No, no, no. As their spokesperson, I insist.

No, I mean this is a public hospital.

Despite your best endeavours while in office, emergency treatment is still

covered by our health system.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to go and attend to some of the patients in

corridor. Yes.

Well, I tried to make private medical care compulsory, but would caucus

No, they would not.

You're going to have to leave now.

Oh, you're going to prep him, are you?

No, I just want you to go.

All right, then. Well, I'll go.

Just roll over for me.

Just to your side.

Loved your work in Crocodile Hunter, by the way.

Big cough.

Well, I'm afraid I have some terrible news.

Oh, my God.

We're going to have to find somebody else to play me.

Well, that's a bit callous, isn't it?

I know, I know, but he doesn't want the role anymore.

Oh, for fuck's sake, Andrew. We thought you were saying he was dead.

Well, he is, as far as this project is concerned.

My God, what sort of actor can't catch food in his mouth?

I never liked him, you know. I never liked him. It was...

He was overly familiar. You know, he was worse than Ray Martin.

I think we're better off looking for somebody else.

What about John Woodman today? He's a great actor.

I've always been impressed by Roger Corser.

Fira Durrani. Yeah, they're all excellent suggestions, but, Sonny, I

should get on to that grey -haired bloke at the ABC.

I was YouTubing him on Ellen's phone while we were waiting for Lockie to

consciousness, and he's pretty good.

On to it.

I parked around the corner, Mr Dugdale, sir, to avoid any unnecessary egging.

Excellent thinking, Curtis.

Thank you, sir.

So what were you going to tell me about the desalination plants? Ah, yes, the

desalination plants. Well, they've been built largely on the coastline. Now,

global warming is reducing rainfall, that's true, but it's also melting

glaciers. That means the sea level rises.

Thus, when the plants actually need to be used, they'll be underwater,

the whole exercise completely useless.

I told the state government, would they listen, though? No, they would not.

You were right, you know.

What, in that they shouldn't have been built? Yes.

No, no, in that it was very dull.

It was springy.

Oh, thank you.

Tony Jones.

So your dad doing the ad, is that why you're in such a good mood?

Yeah. Yeah, I think that is why I'm in a good mood.

It's not often that dad changes his mind on stuff.

Yeah, maybe it's not that he doesn't feel things or believe in principles.

it's just that he feels like expressing them in front of microphones and cameras

somehow makes them seem insincere, so he doesn't do it.

He'd rather keep his motives pure, even if that means never doing anything about

them.

Anyway, I'm really glad he's doing it.

Turns out not to be such a self -obsessed parent after all, eh?

Mummy, it's empty. Mummy's talking, sweetie.

Go ask Rita.

Fuck. Right?