Original subtitles

Hi.

I'm Salem.

And I'm an alcoholic.

I'm talking.

It's been a long road, this road to recovery.

Seems like just yesterday, Dr. Skip was jamming that tube down my throat,

yelling, Salem!

Thank you, Shabang, and now here I am.

However long it's been later.

Ten years!

For ten years! Being forced to check out of rehab.

You know, when Dr.

Skip told me Promising Journeys was closing down because some stupid Indians

demanded their stupid sacred land back, my first thought was, Indian givers,

thanks to my sponsor, Helene.

My name is Karen. And the superpowers given to me by the Lord of Lords, Jesus

Christ, I started to understand what this rodeo's been about.

You're all jealous of me.

And you have reason to be.

Where are you going, Helene? Come back here. Am I a supermodel? Yes.

Have I vomited on every continent?

Was I flying in a G5 when I got HPV from Patrick Swayze?

Best Thanksgiving ever. But without the use of drugs and alcohol, the Lord and I

find your envy unbearable. Do people with your... My dad touched me when I

seven, and I have a very demanding surgical practice. Please, my mom...

tried to get an abortion in the delivery room. I walked a runway during ballroom

fashion week wearing nothing but a clear plastic burka and my bikini wet. But do

I bitch like Mr. Miyagi over there?

Do I gargle a million dicks just so I can feel something like Shelly?

No!

I'm an American.

I pick myself up off the ground.

I put my underwear back on and I say, fuck you, assholes.

I'll find my own way home.

You may applaud.

Oh, Christ.

Great.

Thanks for sharing, Salem.

Time to start your new life.

Once you've found a place, I'd like to come check on you. You know what was

invested in Los Angeles?

The lap dance, the French dip, and Salem Rogers. This whole town's my place.

Thank you.

The Beast.

She still runs.

But you're going to need a plan to stay clean, so where are you going to go?

You know, my grandmother Mary always said, plans are for the weak in

When the fashion world hears I'm back, it'll be all famous lovers and shooting

coverage.

Remember, one day at a time. Right on, Tabon.

What was that?

Attagirl.

Responsible party, Agatha Todd.

Agatha! You are not still pining over Cash Bannister, are you? Hi, Dina. It

one night in Sedona.

What happened?

Oh, it's nothing. It was just like a stress pimple. It's okay. You should

masturbate. It alleviates tension. You can do it anywhere.

Thanks. Look at that. Another Aggie Boyle book up on the shelf, huh? I mean,

knew there would be a self -help market for tweens?

I did.

Me too.

Teamwork.

Okay. So, my new book.

What's Aggie Boyle up to this time? Not Aggie Boyle.

Look, Dana, I am ready to hatch out of my chrysalis and fly into the world of

adult self -help. Check this out.

My bully, my friend. How to bully your enemies into friendship. By life coach,

Agatha Todd.

You.

A life coach. Yeah, adults are bullied all the time. By their boss, their

spouse, that nasty high school girl that works at the gas station. The Todd

method empowers you to bully back with patience and love.

Bullying with love.

Sounds like something a rapist might say.

Oh, but rape only sells in Japan.

There are only two ways to make it in today's self -help market. A hot guru or

recovering celebrity train wreck. It's all about the fame game, baby, and you

are not a player.

I'm sorry, but I wouldn't have to yell at you if you could just yell at

yourself.

Love you.

Hi, Agatha.

Ready for the meet and greet? Oh, hey, Ronald. Yeah.

Oh, the store looks beautiful.

Thank you.

Takes one to know one.

So, how's the turnout?

Biggest one yet.

Your books touch so many people's lives.

Thank you.

I was thinking maybe I could take you for a bite to eat in the food court

work. They've got one of these Asian places.

Yeah, sure.

Be bold, young dreamer.

Oh, hi.

I've always said these books are good for girls of any age. You remind me of

son. Your son must have had very thick wrists and been one hell of a woman.

You're welcome.

Hi, Raggy.

What are you doing here? I'm out on a promising journey.

Who are all these geeks?

And why are you dressed like that Nifty's mannequin? You know that store's

the elderly, right? I have that pocketbook.

It holds all my pills.

See what I mean?

Come on!

Let's go write some wrongs and then party till we're tipped down on the

floor like the old days. How did you even know I was here?

It was on your fridge.

You were in my house? How did you get in my house?

Agatha, it's time for the reading.

No, you're not the boss of her.

I am. Salem, I am not your assistant anymore, okay? That was a long time ago.

It's Agatha.

Ragatha? Agatha. Salem, I don't know if your time in rehab led to any meaningful

changes in your life, but I have evolved into my best, most authenticized self.

Far beyond just being an assistant.

So, I wish you success on your journey.

Bye -bye.

Raggy sat down at her usual table near the faculty restroom when all of a

a voice echoed across the cafeteria.

You stink, Raggy!

It was seventh grade bully Harmony St.

Song and her crew of populistas.

Laugh all you want, Harmony, Aggie cried, but someday when you become your

authenticized self, you'll want to be my friend. And you know what the answer

will be?

Yes, because I...

with a throw -up juice bar. I mean, I wanted to be an addict, so I can move it

here. These books, these books are not about you, okay? They're actually about

me. You know this person? I'm her boss, string bean. You're not my boss, and

Harmony Saint -Saëns could be anyone. Hey, Rad, what did you do?

Go to the dentist and have your teeth yellowed?

I asked you that in college.

Time to go. Oh, pop your bright stick shift. You know what, Salem?

I do, guys. You are being a bully, so please leave.

This was America, and Jesus died, so we'd have the right to stand anywhere we

goddamn please. Ma 'am, you're going to need to leave, or I'm going to...

I'm getting your things and taking you back to Promethean Journey. I can't go

back, Rex.

The Indians demanded their land back from Dr. Skip, so he had to shut it

What? And you know what? The people there, they didn't understand me. They

judged me for being pretty and skinny, and they really hated the fact that I

could still drink.

We are going to go to my modeling agency, get back the Victoria's Secret

contract, that tornado -eyed clue, stoke with me, move back to Paris, and live

the privileged, consequence -free life.

that beautiful white and light -skinned black women are entitled to. Oh, my God.

And you get to help me. You can drive me around.

I'll live in your house.

We'll be best friends together again.

Best friends?

I was your overworked, underappreciated assistant who you bullied around.

Bullied around? The world?

Rags! Come on! I took you to Japan.

Belief. Kidney.

Mm -hmm. He was such a gentleman. Mm -hmm.

No. You know what? I have career now. I have self -esteem.

I suggest that you use this second chance to find out who you are on the

That's great advice.

It is. For ugly people.

You can't be a supermodel. You're 36.

Next to you, I look 26.

That's why I need you by my side when we get to the agency where Roberto sees

that his star is back. We'll be on the next flight to Paris. You're delusional.

Nobody...

Salem Falcon Rogers, model of the year 1998.

People will always care. I'm hot and I'm famous. Oh, you're famous.

Whoop -de -doo.

Another famous celebrity train wreck.

Oh, I'm a celebrity train wreck? I'm sorry. I don't think you can call

who was once engaged to Jason Priestley in the height of his power a train

wreck. You know what your problem is? Let me be your life coach.

Are you hitting on me? Let me help you realize your personal, spiritual, and

professional goals.

So you'll be my assistant?

No. Life assistant. Will I assist you in finding your life path to stopping a

bully and become a successful human being?

Yes. Will you hold my hair back when I puke?

It depends on the circumstances.

I'm going to take that as a yes.

Okay, so go in there and act as if. I got it. If.

Act as if.

It's living as though what you want is already yours. So, you act as if you're

famous supermodel. I am a famous supermodel. Exactly.

Go. I'll be right up.

Dana, it's me, Agatha. Listen.

Agatha Todd.

Listen, um, you know, I have an idea about the book.

What I could teach these girls about inner beauty. Hello.

Hi. Who hurt you?

Tell them we're here, Rebs.

Okay.

Hello, miss.

Oh, I'm sorry, sir.

Um, we are here to see Roberto.

Sir, I know it's not your intention, but I'm feeling minimized. Oh, fuck this.

Roberto van Gogh. Holy Chanel.

Say, little Rogers.

I think I just got a partial. Kidding.

You're gross.

Kidding. I see things haven't changed a bit.

It's Boniva.

All the cocaine ate away at my bone density.

My, my, it's been a while, kitten.

What's that?

My assistant, Reggie. Former assistant.

Agatha Todd. We met years ago. Oh, yes.

The one with the clean urine.

Thank you, by the way.

Wait, how did you get my... I'm back, Bobby.

You want to call down a teller, or should I?

Salem, you show up out of nowhere, old, and expect me to get you a job with

Versace. I'll make you know how to miss piss over there. I am a life coach and

published self -help author.

Help yourself to some concealer. Bobby, I'll do a couple smaller shows in Paris.

Salem, the only runway you'll ever touch in Paris is at the airport.

I'll do New York Fashion Week, but that's as low as I'll go.

How about headlining the Nifty's...

Summer of Scarves fashion event at the mall tomorrow.

No, Carol Alt was going to do it, but she hurt herself rollerblading.

It can be your swan song as a model and we'll part as friends. Bobby, I was

voted model of the year 1998.

I was the Victoria's Secret angel until that tornado.

Heidi Klum. Heidi, nothing.

Two days before your first Victoria's Secret shoot, a judge sentenced you to

rehab or jail.

Own it. I am a supermodel. There are no more supermodels.

It's all starlets and real people.

I'm sorry, kitten, but it's nifties or nothing.

Philip, Philip, headlining a homeless fashion show may not rebuild your

but it's the humble beginning you need to rebuild your self -esteem. My first

reading of an Aggie Boyle book was at a library to three homeless people.

And now, look at me. Every waterfall starts with a flake of snow.

Whatever.

Make the deal, Bobby.

Yes.

Didn't you die?

A few times.

Didn't stick.

Who's a cartwright?

Hope you make a better secretary than you did a model.

Well, I'm not a secretary.

I'm the best agent, Roberto Hahn.

Now, you have a lot of nerve talking to me after the crap you pulled.

Me? Yes, you.

You stole my boyfriends for fun. You greased my shoes before runway shows.

you told every photographer and designer you worked with that my clitoris was

actually a tiny penis.

That was you, Salem.

That's what you did to me.

Touche.

Salem, you have to apologize.

Yes, Salem, listen to your mother.

Hey, I'm on your side.

No, I don't need some has -been decision standing up for me.

Listen to get a coffee.

I'll take a double iced espresso.

Americano for me, Rags. Soy chai latte, two Splenda.

Write it down.

You are all rude, selfish.

Hey, no assistant of mine. I am...

You don't sound so good.

Oh, yeah, well, um... Who cares?

Keychain is giving you the green light.

Your bully, your bully book is a go.

Shh!

It's gonna be a first -person account of you turning that Sasquatch, Salem

Rogers, from your bully to your BFF.

You should have told me you had a famous bully. That's a game -changer.

I'm not doing it, Dana. What?

method work for her, but she's sure it'll work for you.

Should we put that on the front or the back cover?

You call me and she's on board.

I'm a love spreading difference maker.

I'm a... Slim gems.

Oh, God.

Look at me.

Look at me.

Now, tell me what you want.

I want you, Cash.

Good. Now say it again using just your eyes.

Keep saying it.

Yes.

I'm Cash Bannister, creator of Master the Power of Eye Contact. This is the

first porn ever.

It's not porn. He is my spiritual... Cover up. I want to go to bed, and you

a fashion show tomorrow, okay? I know, and I feel like celebrating. You know

what? It's been a really long day, and I'm ending it. By flicking your beam to

an infomercial? Yeah, come on. A day like this needs to end with a bang. Are

you? bang. I get it. Salem, no.

From Johnny and the band.

I need another one for my friend.

Hey, can you call your sponsor?

She'd hate this place.

Atta girl!

Hey, send him one back and use this.

That's why I'm dangling when you went all aggro in the agency today.

They were hairy and hung low.

You're a fighter, Rags. You don't have to tell me I'm a fighter. I know that.

But do you think I'm a fighter?

Oh, shit, yeah.

Man, I look at you, your life, that hairline, and I think, man, if that were

me, I would have... A long time ago, but not you. You're like the AIDS of

people.

There's just no stopping you.

your TV boyfriend?

Oh, well, I'm sure you've heard of him.

Cash Bannister?

Mm -hmm. I mean, he's not my boyfriend per se. You guys bump in others?

Yes. No, just, well, two times.

But you know what, though? Cash and I, we are on different trajectories. A

monogamous relationship? I don't know. Oh, he wants to bump other uglies.

So should you.

Thank you.

Oh, my gosh. I'm sorry.

Finally,

an Indian is not a total dog.

The drummer's from Creed.

Arms wide open. I'm thinking of a kid.

No, no, no. You too. Sorry, we're closed for a special event. I am the special

event headset.

Salem.

Only an hour and a half late. I'm so impressed.

Quinn, meet our headliner, Salem Rogers. Perhaps you remember her from the

covers of Fortuna Trader, Vogue.

Or the Enquirer after she crashed a stolen hand glider into a make -a -wish

Why didn't Ferris wheel with Destiny's Child?

Why don't you go jerk off your tiny clitoris deck?

Pellegrino, now!

Do you have a bathroom?

Did this woman eat the models?

I told you, it's all real people these days, baby cat.

Beans. are the new models of Van Gogh.

Don't worry.

Mama's here.

We'll see.

Oh, thank you. Come here often?

Hey, do you have to go back to work? I am working.

Salem's paying me $50 to write down everything that people say about her.

used to be my job.

I waited for you last night.

I thought we were going out.

I eat a large hot and sour soup on my own. It's not that safe.

No one can.

Turns out to be wonderful.

Like a McRib.

Salem, let me take you on a journey of discovery and healing.

Our journey.

My new book. Tell us something.

78 ,000 views in five hours.

And at Salem Rogers vagina has 2 ,089 Twitter followers. And Kylie Jenner was

snapped wearing an I am Salem Rogers t -shirt.

Those girls could really learn a lot from Aggie Boyle.

Door.

You know what? I know it doesn't seem like it now, but people will forget.

For better or not, this is fucking saccharific.

Roberto.

Read.

Kidding. Guess which panty palace called me after they saw your performance at

Nifty's online.

Victoria's Secret.

Kidding. It was Silky Smooth.

Canada's biggest seller of undergarments and long jeans is coming to America,

and they want you. It's not Paris, but it's a start.

Better drop 20 pounds, fatso.

Kidding.

Not kidding.

A campaign, Rags!

We're back!

Glasses. You know what, Phil? I know this seems like a good opportunity, but

journey we could take together in my book is gonna be... Too rad. I never

have done a crappy mall fashion show if it weren't for you. A lot of people have

let me down, Rags.

Didn't know you.

You are a hand... Down, by, far, the back.

Assistant. I'm not your assistant.

Now, make an angry face.

Man,

even tampon sounds pretty in French.

Tampon.