Original subtitles

Last time on Harman Quest.

Are you not surprised, this beast?

You've returned to us. What the fuck is your problem?

Be the power that I have embraced.

I'm just going around pocketing as much gold and gems as possible.

Oh, that guy.

A glimmering box of light, bigger than everything, forms around almost the

entire room. And then all of you are disappeared, carved out of the material

plane as if by celestial magic. If you do not have an attorney, you will be

assigned one. My name is Flaren Sparrow.

Flaren, I'm a great lawyer.

Oh, that's nice. There's due profit.

There always is. In ad quadamnum, the plane of imperium judgment.

We're dealing with completely different crimes here. The prosecutor's spiraling.

Objection! She sees people!

In the name of cosmic justice, we of the Karmic Oneness find you guilty.

No, Quandrigal. I would like to invoke the third law.

That's good. Still, we owe you a huge thanks. But now it's the Purge! Yeah,

yeah. Fuck you!

and you tumble through white space and infinity.

Uh... Uh... YOLO.

Since the dawn of the 1970s, fantasy role -playing games have provided men

women with an escape from their awkward lives.

Today, the most awkward of them all, Dan Harmon, is summoning celebrity friends

to play these games of old in front of a live studio audience in Hollywood.

I am Spencer, the Game Master, and this is Harmon!

Welcome back to Harmon Quest Season 3. Man, we're almost, we're like right

toward the end here of the penultimate episode.

I am the titular Harmon, but I don't really matter that much. Who does

The Game Master, Spencer Crittenden.

My longtime traveling companion, starting with Aaron McGathey.

The indescribable Jeff B. Davis.

And our newest friend, comic actor, improviser, Carl Tartt.

We always ask our first -timers, do you have any relationship from youth or

anything with what we're doing here, this idea of fantasy role -playing?

My answer is absolutely the hell not.

I tried to play one time with a friend.

Got real upset about it.

You did or he did?

I did.

Okay. Yeah, they enjoyed it because I looked so dumb.

And I was like, I can't do this anymore.

I kind of want to see this happen again.

I'm done!

Well, for anybody else who's unfamiliar with the concept, it's pretty simple.

in spite of all these numbers and doodads and things, at the heart of it

this guy's a kind of storyteller god.

And we got our little characters here that have numbers on them representing

what we're supposedly good at.

He gets to tell us whether what we want to try to do succeeds or fails based on

dice and rules.

But we're excited about it. We're in the home stretch. Without further ado.

Let's go!

You find yourselves in the star -shaded fan A starlit twilight of clouds and

haze bordering on the edge of the astral plane.

In this insubstantial, indistinct realm between the planes, movement is possible

but difficult and meaningless as the merest of features seem visible only on

farthest reaches of the horizon.

In this empty doldrum, it becomes all the stranger when you can hear a yell

a fall and a thwomp as Limerick falls from the sky onto this floor area.

Oh, no.

Limerick! Oh, hello.

It's me, Limerick, the other character I play.

Limerick, have you met Fondue?

Oh, split screen.

Fondue? Yes.

I've heard nothing about you.

I've heard nothing about you.

Above your head, you can hear the crow of birds, and you see a flock of astral

birds flies by, being chased by a swashbuckling gentleman in cool

riding on a crazy space creature. It looks kind of like a sailboard manta ray

sort of thing.

What the fuck?

Hey!

Oh!

Hello, folks.

Do you like my vehicle?

Who are you?

My name be Tampa Bay, the buccaneer.

Tampa Bay, the buccaneer? Yes.

You guys in trouble?

I mean, Tampa Bay.

First of all, my name is Bone Weevil. I'm a goblin. Bone Weevil? Bone Weevil.

Bone Weevil. Hello, Bone.

If being trapped in an expanse of nothing means in trouble, then yes.

I don't know if you call it a uniform or whatever you're wearing, that material

has never... seen anything like that before. What is that? It's called lycra.

wicks away the moisture.

Well,

you certainly probably didn't buy it here, so there must be a way in and out

this place.

Oh, is that what you want to know?

How to get in and out? They always want something.

They never just want to say hello to old Tampa.

They always want something from him. A ride on my manta ray.

Tampa, Can I call you Tampa? Please.

Or Mr. the Buccaneer? You can call me Tampa, please. Okay, Tampa. Mr. the

Buccaneer was my father's name.

Tampa, do you live here in this vast expanse, or do you have a hometown

of here? Do you live in the astral plane or in the material plane?

I'm sort of in between homes now.

You know, I live outside. I live inside.

I have a place here for when I get very sick of my wife.

And then I have a place there for when I get very sick of my second wife.

I'm married twice.

The rules here are different.

Well, I don't want to be one of those guys, but could we get a ride on your

manta ray?

Ah,

yes, fine. You can get a ride into the casino town.

But don't touch my steering wheel.

Does it look like a steering wheel?

No.

It's the penis of the manta ray.

And only I can touch it.

Only I.

And everybody always wants to grab it. Every time you get in, every time you

give a stranger a ride, they always want to grab the penis of the manta ray.

Is it on top here? Is this it? Yes.

I am just so curious what it feels like, and I just start reaching for the manta

ray's penis.

See? I didn't want to do that.

Buckle up.

You arrive in Celeste, a bustling gambling slash port town overlooking the

rolling white nothingness of the Astral Sea.

To your left are shops and stores, and to your right are gambling halls. I look

over at those shops, and I look at Bjor.

and limerick and fondue.

And I give him kind of a knowing glance. And I go, shopping spree!

I'm delighted.

Go in this place.

Forever 2001.

You do that.

Oh, it's a great place.

It's super hip inside.

It smells great.

There's a woman there.

She's like, hey, how can I help? My name is Miriam.

Hi, Miriam.

I was looking for some sort of transformative thing. Like, I just, I

one thing that I can wear for several occasions, sort of a night -to -day

but for, like, different battles.

Right. I think I've got just the thing.

She pulls out a cloak.

Look at this. Nice trim, huh?

It's beautiful.

All this intricate lace.

Wait, is this the story of the town drawn in the lace?

Yeah, but check this out. She rubs the fur trim, and it kind of changes the

visualization of the patterns and becomes a different one. See that?

Oh, amazing. And it's the story of my own life.

Right.

It can tell the story of whoever's looking at its life.

Or you can just make it turn into different garments. Yeah, great. Check

out. Crop top.

This is just pants.

It's perfect. I'll take it.

Back to normal. All right, well...

It's going to be 7 ,000 gold.

Don't come looking over here.

I have it all smashed together into this golden sandwich.

Can I see that?

Yeah, of course.

She pulls out like a jeweler's loop and stares at it. You know, this is a very

fine specimen.

An offering to the sandwich god. This could fetch a high price.

How high? Can I have more clothes?

Uh, no.

Okay.

Are you guys hungry? Do you want to stop at one of these places and get some

food before we get back to the ship exactly?

I'm hungry.

Okay. Well, this is my favorite place.

You have to go in here. It's a pizza shop. They take rope and they put it on

pizza. Oh.

I have rope.

So do I.

Wait.

We're both talking about the same rope.

I start walking into the pizza shop. You go into the pizza shop. It's managed by

a large, evil -looking doppelganger with a coin -mouthed stomach.

How do we know that they're a doppelganger?

They're not as anybody. They're in their neutral form, the doppelganger form.

That's so scary.

It's bad.

I mean, it's fine.

I walk, and I'm like, ugh, great, one of them.

They turn into you.

No!

Hi!

Oh, no!

Hey, you want some pizza?

Uh, a little help?

Allow me.

Excuse me.

I'd like four rope pizzas for my friend. Hey, do you take money to turn into

people so they can check their bald spot?

Uh, we do now.

Here's some rope.

Oh, great. We were just running out of that.

He turns into you and turns around.

Uh, yeah. I mean...

You know, no one wants to lose their hair, but I think it's really about

more than hair.

Well, it could be worse. See?

He makes his head balder. Oh, see? Yeah.

If my opinion matters at all, I think you have the head shape to be bald.

Oh.

Two doppelgangers walk up to Dan Harmon, and he has to play four characters now.

Hey, what's going on? You tell me. I don't know what you're doing.

Hercules.

Oh, thank you.

Yeah, it's so good. The rope's pretty tough, but it's delicious.

Well, we should get out of here.

Let's take our pizzas back to my ship.

You got to -go?

Yeah, to -go boxes all around. I can't believe this is rope.

Yeah, that's what I said the first time I tried it.

I brought my second wife here. She was not impressed.

She's really hard to deal with.

You still deal with her?

Yeah, I love her.

All right.

Take the manta ray down to my ship.

Yeah, you fly it onto the ship. Oh, man. It's so good. Is there a name for the

ship? Yes.

I call this ship... the Carolina Panther.

Take us away. All right.

Here we go.

Horsie blows.

All ashore.

Wait. We have to leave the boat? No, no. You stay off. Oh, okay.

Things are different here.

You

head

out into the astral sea. I'm sitting on a pile of potato sacks.

in the in the in the storeroom like just kind of looting sailing

with your friends adventure

never ends getting on an astral boat floating

through the gray i love mothers and brothers love

to lay

You hear a droning buzz as a dark ship rises out of the depths of the astral

sea. Anyone on the top deck of the ship can see that Vorthion is standing on the

deck laughing.

You may have snuck away from me by fleeing the material plane, but you'll

be able to stop me. Is he pulling up next to us? Oh, he's doing exactly that.

All right, I go up the main map.

You do that. And I climb up to the crow's nest, and I show him a little

butt.

What is going on here? Why is this guy riding so close to me? This guy,

Forthion, is always on our ass. We don't know why he picks on us.

Are you eating? Huh?

You're eating during this? Yes, I'm having some dolphin jerky.

What are you, Brad Pitt?

You need to wash that down with some of my hard liquor.

Oh, yeah?

Yes. You guys, Limerick, there's harpoon guns in the back. I saw them. I saw

them, too.

You're awesome. You, too.

We got a Forthion to starboard.

I call out to Vorthion.

Vorthion, what do you want from us? I want you to die and be part of my

machination. He kind of points at Limerick.

You fucking idiot.

The dead don't just come back to life for fun. Who do you think made that

happen? The guy who brings people back to life using blood magic?

Great guess.

Yeah, big deal.

So what? You were my unwitting pawn all along.

And he...

his arm in a magical manner. He's like, now go forth and attack.

And he hits you with a black bolt that activates your blood magic programming.

Don't hit me with no black bolt. That's the last hopes of your pathetic friends

as I once again grasp victory.

Your mind's kind of being taken control of. So now you're only playing fondue.

Oh.

Oh. Buddy.

I love you, buddy. It's me.

This always works and all those things. Like, it's me.

We just have to say it's us. We love you.

Wait, now, do we recognize that Limerick has gone back to blood magic madness?

Yeah, he kind of, like, a darkness comes over and overtakes him, and he's, like,

his eyes turn red.

Limerick!

Limerick, remember?

Remember the house? Remember the... Hide -a -hide -a -hide -a -hide!

I am now disaffected and emotionless.

Um, I take out my axe and try to slice off Limerick's head. But not before

But not before he unleashes a terrible spell.

He hits you with a flesh at black.

Oh, yeah, damn.

He's almost as good as me.

Healing 14 damage to Bone Weevil and Beor.

He wasted one of my flesh at brains. This is like somebody adjusting the

of your Tesla.

Right?

into a rage okay i never believed in women you never believe that we exist

no it's not just a fairy tale no we made it up i show him i show

him my body it's an artificial construct identity politics

this conversation between you two looks very interesting but it ain't none of my

business that guy You hit him in the neck, dealing 20 damage.

It's all part of the plan.

I love it.

Vorthion, he attempts to leap from the ship to the other ship. Oh, buddy

He kind of jumps into the astral sea.

I'll be back soon.

I yell from the crow's nest, way to hang, butt flaps.

harpoon his ship you do that i want to climb across if i can all right i'm

to start trying that yeah you position yourself so as to do that is worthy on

the board his ship store did he fall he fell between the ships but in the astral

plane you don't like fall for eternity it's kind of like it's not as bad as

so hey i just wanted to check on you what the hell is going on with this guy

i knew i should have let y 'all on my ship

Tampa, do you have any explosives on this ship?

Let's see if I do.

I have to look through my list of things I have on. I have some smoke juice.

I have bombs.

Bone weevil! Yeah?

Will you toss me some of those bombs so I can stick them in my brother's neck so

his head blows off?

Okay, but you have to catch him, otherwise I blow you up.

Right. Okay, I'll come to you. Okay. I'll come to you.

Okay, I go back up to the top of the crow's nest.

And I throw one of my bombs at Vorthion's ship. All right, you do that.

It misses. Fuck you.

It lands between the ships and explodes harmlessly.

I have a rope that's 50 feet. Oh, you're making me hungry now.

Yes, yes.

Covered in.

That pizza was good, right? I told you. Everybody was so skeptical of it, but it

was good.

You know, they say, oh, the best pizza's at New York. No, the best pizza's in

the Astroplane.

But I have a rope.

I can toss the end of the rope over to the other side, and somebody can climb

over and take over the ship. It's a critical failure.

You just toss the rope off the ship, and it just goes into the sea.

I already got the ship harpooned. Why didn't anybody tell us?

Limerick blasts Beor with another spell with two shadow bolts, dealing 32

damage.

I'm doing, like, a hand -over -hand climb to the... I'm trying to board

Vorthion's ship. You board it. Okay.

All right, think, think, Fontou, think.

I run to the fucking hatch. You do that.

Oh, it's so hard to open. Oh, man, you're not quite strong enough.

Fjord! I need muscle over here.

Vorthion, he floats back up onto his own decks, and he faces off against Fondu.

He reaches into his bag and pulls out a Medusa's head, and he shows it at you.

And you get petrified, and you kind of fall to the ground, and he's like, ah,

ha, ha, this is what I wanted to do, and this is what I came here for.

Lame goal.

Dream.

Vorthion, he holds up a red runestone.

It kind of glows, and it shoots a lightning bolt into the astral flea, and

can see, rearing its ugly interplanar head, a giant, massive astral leviathan!

Vorthion laughs, and his ship kind of dematerializes, shifting through the

plane! Ha ha ha ha!

He's gone.

Now there's a giant monster and an evil Limerick. The astral leviathan roars,

and it kind of... It uses a vortex. It kind of is trying to suck in the ship.

This is my ship it's kind of trying to suck in. Yeah, it's trying to suck it in

slowly. You're slowly being pulled in. Oh, no, you're not taking my ship.

I should have never let you on my ship. All you have done is eaten my potatoes,

played my lute, and gotten this damn demon trying to take my ship. I want to

throw some knives.

You quickly loose off a volley of throwing knives. You're like, wah, wah,

But on the third one, you release way too late, and it just goes straight

straight through your foot. Ah!

Limerick takes 42 damage, and you take 21 damage as you just nail a super bad

vein to hit with a knife. Oh, no.

They tell you your feet aren't important, but this is proving it wrong.

Oh, wait. Who told you that?

Tell me.

Doctor.

Things are different here.

Limerick, you're in a dark and shadowy place. All around you, you see copies of

Vortheon taunting you. You're feeling terrible pain as if you're on the verge

death. Vortheon takes his, like, helmet off, and it's your own face.

I hate you.

Why don't you improve?

I assume this is an emotional...

Yeah. Playing itself out.

I confront myself.

I commit to change.

You wrestle your inner demons to the ground and you wrest control of your

away from Borthian.

You kind of snap out of it, so to speak.

And I leap up and I hug him. You do that. Meanwhile, I'm concerned about the

astral Leviathan attacking us.

It's continuing to suck in the ship.

These motherfuckers. It roars. Tampa, is there anything aboard this ship that we

can use to fight this guy off? Do you have anything special, cargo -wise? I

threw my knives. Let's see.

We got hard liquor.

I done threw the rope off the side.

Oh! Oh!

I've been trying to use this all the whole time. We got cough dust.

Let's make some motherfuckers cough.

Like that?

Yeah.

Leviathan, who starts coughing.

He's coughing so hard it's rocking the jets of the ship and it's roiling it.

man. It's all choppy. You're taking on astral water.

Ah, yes.

Oh, yes.

I have to supercharge the plane or ship detractor to overload it.

You send it into overdrive. The ship lurches forward at an unnatural speed,

slamming into the astral Leviathan.

of splintered multiverse as you pass through dimensions and the void tips,

lands hard in a brand new place.

This is the virtuous harmony. Peace falls over you. Champa Bay!

Champa Bay!

Bone Weevil, this has been too much. This has been too much for me. This is

I get for being kind to people.

I grabbed the locket off of Tampa Bay's neck. What should I say to Cheryl? Tell

Cheryl I'm at Karen's house.

Guys, guys, things are different here.

But would our heroes be able to find the beast of beginning and save the

universe? What was Vortheon ultimately plotting?

Would our heroes stop euthanizing their allies?

Find out next time.

on Harvest Quest.