Original subtitles

Last time on Harmon Quest.

Goblin, are you not to ride this beast?

The material plane and the present timeline begin twisting away from all of

Maybe we've gone back in time. You've made it back just in the exact moment

the puppet king first attacked Goblopolis.

Fondue, you're alive. Maybe I don't understand time travel, but...

I think I can do anything.

The gray figure that I mentioned before appears.

Oh, that guy. He lunges at Dan and he tackles you to the ground. A beam of

bursts forth and both of you are disintegrated. Fondu just died?

My name is Tori Amos. I know all the hottest dungeons.

You can see a shaft of light revealing an exit that has been choked off by

fungus. Welcome to Shatter Night.

You know, this is the nicest town you could ever come to. It is currently

suffering from a magical plague that creates rage in people and causes them

attack each other. But other than that, very nice town. Well, let's bring our

goblin army into it. You guys are those legendary Earthscar heroes, huh?

Two savages and a monster?

That monster is my sister.

A large red gem rises from out of the corpse pile.

We need to destroy this guy. Set a perimeter. Flank him.

Missile firers, get in the back line. Let's go.

Whirling around like a whirling dervish. You hit him. Everyone in town, check

out this gem.

Touch it.

They may have a different style than me, but I guess sometimes their style gets

results. I open the door and go, hey, guys, we ordered. Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.

No. Oh, my God.

This is the dawn of the 1970s. fantasy role -playing games have provided men

women with an escape from their awkward lives.

Today, the most awkward of them all, Dan Harmon, is summoning celebrity friends

to play these games of old in front of a live studio audience in Hollywood.

I am Spencer, the Game Master, and this is Harmon Quest!

Understandable. Welcome to Harmon Quest Season 3.

I am the titular Harmon. I wish I wasn't, though, because we owe our lives

our joy to the Game Master, Spencer Crittenden.

Hey, guys.

With me, as always, my conjoined role -playing adventurers, Aaron McGathey.

The incredible Jeff B. Davis.

And our new friend, a guest role player for this episode from the much talked

about lately, NBC's The Good Place, Darcy Carden's here.

I'm curious, do you have any early history with fantasy role playing?

That's a good question. Like, have I literally ever played this before? Yeah.

No? It's okay. But I mean, but I don't know. I feel like I...

hung out in a cool circle meaning nerdy circle of people that play this i um

yeah i i always wanted to understand this but i never quite do

Even to this moment. You're in good company.

Yeah, yeah. Good.

You're about to be surprised at how being familiar with it doesn't help.

right, right.

It's good when people are new to it because then that justifies the

that I give at the top of every show.

The only thing people have to understand is that this guy is God.

We have these characters. They've got a bunch of stats on them representing what

we're kind of able to do. We tell them. what we want to try doing. He uses dice

and rules to tell us whether we succeeded or failed.

Why contain it any longer? Without further ado, let's quit!

among the bone trees of Ivory Key, home of the Skulltree Barbarians. You've

returned to reclaim the Beast of Beginning once more, but now you find

place warped, unrecognizable. This is no mere encampment, but a fortress,

fortified by the bones of huge monsters as well as dark steel iron, bristling

with spice, dripping with blood. If things were dark before, Ivory Key now

unmistakably evil. But how? Slash why?

I've made a horrible mistake.

I thought that using the beast of the beginning would allow us to undo this

carnage. I hate... No, I don't feel.

Brother.

Brother, look at the bone trees. Look, there's Uncle Dilbert.

Oh, and look, there's Mom's bone tree.

Yeah, that makes it worse.

Well, we have a giant goblin horde behind us. You know, things go south.

different. I didn't mention that. Yeah, you've got a giant goblin army with you.

I always forget about goblins.

Behind you on the trail, you see a hooded figure approaching. By looking at

their clothes, you recognize them as someone from the tavern in the previous

episode. A member of the adventuring party, but one who didn't talk at all.

Where is he?

Where is she?

And kind of behind you, as you turn to look, like, you can see her kind of

waving. Do -do -do -do -do.

Oh. Do -do -do -do -do.

Hey. Hi.

You're from the Shatter Nine Tavern, that group of great adventurers that we

met. Yes. Let me introduce myself.

My name is Hydra Nye Sessopoya.

Oh.

I'm Boneweave of a Goblin. You'll learn to love me.

Hello. Hi. Nice to see you.

Well, yeah, we didn't meet before.

Right, yeah. I saw you.

Oh, boy, did I see you. Thank you.

Not a lot of people see me.

I think they do.

Now, hide your knife in the foyer.

Yes. Bone weevil. Yes. Now, your buddy's back at the squeaky beaver. What was it

called?

The creaky weave? The creaky weave. The squeaky beaver?

I got a little drunk.

Where's the rest of the team? They promised they were going to come help us

They're just out for themselves and not for the greater good, and that's why I

want to be a part of your team.

Yeah.

You said that weird. Did I? Yeah.

Well, I'm a bard, you see. I have neutrality in my bones.

We could use a bard in this party all the way.

Oh, man, oh, man. That's me, baby.

Hi, tonight.

We're barbarian.

The music is like, no.

And did you two grow up together? Are you siblings?

We are. Or lovers?

Episode six kind of makes it blurry.

My brother's in a bit of a sour mood. Maybe you could just enchant him into

being a little bit more fun to be around.

Sure, of course. I can do that.

Yes, I can absolutely do that. I'm going to start with a little dance.

Little tiny movements and now tiniest dance I've ever seen and now I'm going

sing you a song

what we do, and let's be a family.

Yeah!

And we're going to pretend you're our mom.

I want to be your mom. Okay.

And more.

Okay.

What is our goal?

To make quality television. Yeah.

Hydra and Issa Sapoya, our goal today.

Tell me.

are going to try to get into this horrible fortress. Okay. And go and try

retrieve what we think is going to be the place where the Beast of the

is because he was there in the future, which is where we used to be, but now

we're back here.

But we're going to go get the Beast of the Beginning and save everything.

Okay. So it's almost like I didn't even need to know that. You didn't need to

know that.

Is it easy for us to get through that gate?

Not without a distraction.

I don't want to get too ahead of myself, guys. And please, I know we're new

families, so just tell me if I should chill the hell out.

But I could sift. I could magically search a small area mentally, you see.

And then if that works out well, then you could go through. I just want to

protect my new family. You understand?

I love that. I love that.

What do you think?

I think it's good. All right. I sift.

Hydra Nye, you use your magical sifting powers. You kind of mentally sense the

area.

Oh, man, it looks like this is the perfect place to get in. It's like this

blood painting.

Guys, guys, there's a blood painting.

Finally.

I see it. We can sneak through. I'm positive.

Um, and the goal is we got this...

goblin army behind us. Yeah. We want them to stand down until the front gates

open, and then they'll pour in and goblin. Spencer, how far behind us is

goblin army? Are they in earshot? Yeah, they're within earshot. They're taking

cover among the bone trees, trying to hide from the fight. Okay, good. All

right. That's adorable.

I'm turning you invisible. Once you attack somebody, you'll be visible

and then it won't work anymore.

Thanks, brother. Invisible.

Invisible.

Invisible.

Look, this rock's a good...

Uh, knock him dead.

You're the most stealthy. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You can just say it. I'm short.

I'm sneaking along, like, to the outskirts of the bone forest and try to

the far west of that wall.

Okay. I approach the blood painting.

You do that while Bone Weevil is going around to the west.

The blood sigil, it looks super magical, and it's dripping.

It's like very fresh blood.

Looking around, you can see there's a narrow crack.

You don't think you can fit through it, but it looks like it's weak enough that

you might be able to pry it open or something.

I get really close to the painting, and I put my strong blood painting dividing

hand on the crack.

It seems like your hand slipped. Maybe your hand was sweaty or something.

I don't know.

I'll help you, Fior.

I'll use my shatter.

Oh. Is that a cool way to say that?

It's definitely one of the coolest.

I'm going to try to break this breakable object.

And I'll do it for you guys.

Love y 'all.

You do it for those guys.

La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la.

Crap.

The bone kind of shatters into splinters, and the metal panel with the

blood starts to fall down.

Now there's like a large, maybe a five -foot kind of opening in the wall.

All right. Good shattering and good sifting before that.

Oh, gosh.

All I want to do is make you guys happy. Well, I hope you're seeing the good in

yourself, because your relationship with yourself is the most important thing.

Can you be my mommy?

We could be each other's mommies.

You can see ruby red light burst forth from underneath the metal panel as if

blood seal has activated and you can hear a shrill piercing alarm sound out.

goblins take that as a cue to attack and they start yelling and charging

headlong towards the barbarian fortress.

Goblin tactics are mysterious yet ineffective.

It's all distracting and such. And you guys are invisible?

We are.

I'm not.

Okay, so you're at the shore now. I'm going to go to the shoreline. Is there

mud?

Oh, boy.

No, there's not. There's no mud? In fact, this entire beach is made out of

skulls and fragments of bone.

How about this? I find the skull is a little bit bigger than my head. And I

different bones that cover me up so I look like I just kind of army crawl.

Like I'm a little skull tumbleweed.

It's great.

You sidle into the camp. You can see the goblins flooding in and engaging the

enemy. There's all sorts of prisoners. They're hanging upside down over bikes.

Oh man, they look scared and they're screaming. They're like, ah, this is

now because now there's a fight.

I say to the nearest one, it's a fight for your soul, brother.

And I start cutting them down.

Hey, this is why I wanted to be a part of you guys.

You're heroes to me.

I love you. I'm starting to feel love, real love.

Let's do fun things because we're invisible.

Let's just do some funny things.

Tickle, tickle.

How funny.

Here's something fun.

Free the prisoners and get to the beast of the beginning.

Yes, that's right.

We're on it, Daddy.

You cut down one of the barbarians.

He can't see you, but he can intuit what's happening. He's like, thanks so

You know, we're barbarians. We don't deserve this. The chief's gone nuts.

been getting into blood magic. He has this new advisor. Everything's going to

shit. I just want to get the hell out of here, man. Pick up a weapon and fight

or stop telling me your life story.

The barbarian picks up a small goblin short sword and just charges in. He's

immediately slaughtered.

The next guy I cut down, your job is to cut down other people.

Cast a wide net.

Confusion is sown in the ranks as the prisoners start to exponentially free

other prisoners, and they're creating more chaos.

I know where the beast of the beginning was last time.

Is there a clear path to that, or is that right in the middle of the fracas?

There's a clear path, although you see a detachment of barbarians that seem to

be charged with guarding the Fancy Treasure Land, which is the name of that

place. That's right, Fancy Treasure Land.

All right, I make track towards that place.

You make invisible tracks.

Where's Bone Weevil?

You can see him. He's just like a pile of bones with some green popping

Okay, as I'm walking up, I go to the pile of bones.

You do that.

Bone Weevil, how did you know it was me?

I don't think other people knew. Okay, good, good. Yeah, it was great. Okay, I

shrug off my bone camouflage, and I go up to the portal to get into where the

Beast of the Beginning is. Right.

I'm going to position myself outside the doorway to fancy treasure land.

Yeah, I approach with my crowbar.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, man, you easily lever it open. And then I put grease down so that anyone

that comes in after us flips, flips, flips, flips. Whoa!

Yeah.

Yeah. You fortify the entrance with grease.

It's great. I also, I drop a few of my caltrops around the grease, too, so if

they step on those, it'll be horrible. A combo move.

Oh, nice.

We're a family.

Crenching open the door to the barbarian treasure horde known as Fancy Treasure

Land, you scan the area. The treasure horde seems depleted compared to last

time, but in its place is a throne made out of teeth. And on that throne is a

hulking and aging, although not at all diminished, barbarian. You recognize it

as the village chief.

Hey, it's a chief. It's Beor and Limerick. You've returned to us, but

war right now. Should you not be defending your kin?

Could ask you the same thing, chief. You're kind of waiting in the green room

while everyone's out there fighting. Why the fuck is your problem?

You have one job.

Limerick, this is our chief.

We grew up with him.

More like our queef. Ha ha ha!

Ha ha ha! Daddy!

Oh, damn!

Where does your loyalty lie?

This is how we survive. We always use strength.

See the power that I have embraced.

He rises and you can see in his chest is a green gem.

It looks evil. And his skin flushes red with barbarian rage as the rage of

nations comes upon him. I turn visible without attacking because this is going

to be fucking old school.

I stand right in front of him and I just turn visible.

I missed your face.

Thank you. I become visible immediately, so you say the same thing to me. And

you, too.

While this conversation is going on, I'm darting around behind the piles of

treasure to kind of get myself in a flanking position if possible.

All right.

Bone Weevil takes up flanking position. The barbarian, he charges right at

Limerick. He's wielding the Bloodline's Burden, the same axe that Beor has.

Like it's another one?

Yeah, well, it's the one from the past.

Oh. By timing.

By time cop rules, that means if they touch, then there's going to be like a

whole CG thing.

Is Limerick hurt? He takes 11 damage from the act.

Can I musically heal him?

Oh, you know you can.

Hell yeah.

I'm dancing on his chest.

You do that,

weaving man. and healing.

You heal him for 13 health.

I didn't need it, but thank you. Oh, yeah.

I danced on your chest.

Normally, as a goblin, I hate gnomes, but I can't hate this gnome. What can I

say?

Daddy, if I throw one of my bag of nets over him, do you want to beat his ass?

Yes, sweetie.

That's what Daddy wants.

I throw a bag of nets on the chief.

You do that. You throw the bag of nets. You entangle him in nets. He falls to

the ground.

Chief.

He's gone nuts with rage.

I take Bloodline's burden and I pull it back.

And I'm going straight for his neck. And as it's going down, a montage of all

the times that he taught me something and made me feel.

and there was a time with the dead dog, and there was a time when I didn't feel

pretty enough, and you said it was okay, and you cut my hair in front of that

mirror, and I just... You do that, healing 20 damage.

A burst of green light from under his chest kind of emanates in a lightning

bolt, strikes him from his gemstone heart, and you can see his wounds being

knitted back together.

My friends seem to have this pretty well underhand. I'm just going around

pocketing as much gold and gems as possible.

Goblin, cut the stone out of this man's chest.

Okay. But then, light is sucked out of the room and the silhouette

You recognize him. It's Vortheon, your armored season one nemesis.

Good to see you. I'm glad you made it here unarmed.

Nice to see you. We remember everything about our interaction.

Seems like only yesterday.

Yeah.

He waves his hand in a magical manner. He uses telekinesis to lift up the hat,

guarding the beast of beginning.

Your presence is needed, actually. The beast of beginning. I can't make it

Show me how to make it work, or I'll kill you.

I say, Bartheon, I'll show you how it works. I walk over to the open hatch.

see the beast of beginning.

I jump on his back, and I put my hands gently on his back and go, easy, beast,

easy. But then... You are interrupted. A gray square of light scribes itself,

and then it blasts. It's blasting right for you. It's only aimed at Bone Weevil,

but he dodges out of the way, and the gray rope figure with the metal mask

appears. Oh, that guy. Yeah. The gray wraith's arms glow with magic, and he

plants his hands into the ground. As a large spell erupts from his hands, a

glimmering box of light, bigger than everything, forms around almost the

room. Fjord and Limerick, you each take 25 damage. as gray light starts to

disintegrate the topmost layer of your flesh. No!

My mommy and daddy!

And then all of your disappeared, carved out of the material plane as if by

celestial magic.

It seems that hydra and sesopoia was kind of half in and half out of the box.

one of your legs disintegrated, and you fall to the floor, bleeding and

screaming. Mommy!

Ouchie, ouchie, owie, owie, owie, owie, owie. I'll take a little bit of my

cheese for sustenance.

And I'll start, I'll sing myself a song and maybe I can heal myself.

You can, yeah, definitely.

You stop bleeding, but you don't regain your leg.

I take my spyglass and I make it long and that's my new cane.

It works great. Hooray.

Vorthion laughs.

That was unexpected, but that's fine.

He laughs and laughs, and he works out of existence.

Can we say that Hydranai finds a note that I put in her pocket?

Yeah, yeah.

What is this?

Open, open, open. I say things as I do it.

Mommy's handwriting?

I'd know it anywhere.

Dear Hydranai. Am, Daddy.

It's me, Bjor.

Oh, no, no. This is my writing voice.

By the time you're reading this, we'll probably be separated.

She's right.

I just want to let you know... Oh, no.

I dream of your touch.

I... I long for your silken flesh.

I am forever yours.

Aw. Mommy.

What was that gray masked figure?

Did Hydra and I back the wrong horse?

Find out next time on Harman Quest.

This has been my...

the show.