Original subtitles

We kicked the fuck out of that, dude. But then you can hear a full... soul

-crushing and sickening crash as the sky begins to turn.

The world has been held.

Again.

Fonju just died?

You hear a familiar voice.

It's Limerick! You're all incredibly locked and everyone's hungry and

pissed. My name is Tori Amos. I know all the hottest dungeons.

Whoa! Is it the goblin? You're in Goblopolis. You see a mural of gold and

It's an illusory mural. Okay, I didn't know I was going to art history class

today.

A mound rises up in the dark.

Do you like this?

You punch it in its flesh.

Spores shower the area and you guys get hit with them. You shred the boss moth

into shreds. Hey, we made a pretty good team back there, huh? You know what,

Dwarf? You're all right. Hey, goblins! The goblins show up.

Since the dawn of the 1970s, fantasy role -playing games have provided men

women with an escape from their awkward lives.

Today, the most awkward of them all, Dan Harmon, is summoning celebrity friends

to play these games of old in front of a live studio audience in Hollywood.

I am Spencer, the Game Master, and this is Harmon Quest!

is a crime already because the real star and raison d 'etre of the show is our

game master spencer crittenden with me as always uh

uh uh our regular role players uh starting with the the the most dynamic

why do i try to

I think from the heart, the most dynamic one.

I don't know. I just, I always try to like, like sound like I'm saying stuff

when I'm just like, just introduce people.

Here's Aaron McGathey.

And then over here, there's this fella, Jeff B. Davis.

And extra excited to welcome our new family member, the lovely, the

Jared Logan. Can I give you a hug?

Thanks for having me.

Jared, what's your experience with fantasy? All the experience.

Oh, shit.

I myself am a game master.

Oh, my God. And I'll be sure to let you guys know if you're doing anything

wrong. Oh, my God.

That's the kind of generous guy I am. All right. Well, these games basically

operate like this.

You got your storyteller god figure called the Game Master.

We got our characters. We got a bunch of little stats on them. We tell him what

we want to try to do. He uses dice and rules to tell us whether or not we

succeeded. It's always a great honking good time.

And without further ado, let's...

outskirts of Ivory Key along the Ivory Coast. With the goblin host in tow, you

find it prudent to take a rest outside the watchful eye of the barbarians in

nearby hamlet of Shatternine.

Outside the main entrance, you can see a brilliantly dressed knight in shining

armor who's talking to a merchant and a farmer and a donkey.

Guys, you see that hot knight over there?

He can talk to donkeys. Oh, he can hear me. Hi. Hi. Sorry, I couldn't help but

overhear you.

And it is hot out here, huh?

Hi,

I'm Euro Shift.

This is my brother, Limerick.

Howdy. Hi.

And my name is Dave Pendergast. Oh.

Dave. I am a paladin. A paladin, yeah.

Nice to meet you, Dave. I'm Bone Weevil. Oh, so nice to meet a member of the

Goblin Race.

Yo, finally.

Finally.

Yes.

Sir Dave the Paladin.

You can just say Dave.

Cool. Mr. Donkey Dave.

Don't love that.

I'm just amazed that you were talking to a donkey. I can speak a little bit for

you if you want. Yeah, I would love it. It's kind of embarrassing. I don't

really like to do it. You know, I'm like a handsome paladin, but...

What does that mean in donkey?

I'm going to hit you in the scrote.

Right. Welcome to Shatter Nine.

Thanks. You know, this is the nicest town you could ever come to.

It's so beautiful. The people are so nice. It is currently suffering from a

magical plague that creates raging people and causes them to attack each

But other than that, very nice town.

Well, let's bring our goblin army into it.

Everybody's going to need to be checked before they come inside. My question is,

Dave, how do we get the donkeys involved in our mission?

Because I feel like no one expects the donkey.

You'd have to talk to the owner of the donkey. Like I said, I don't control

donkeys. I'm talking to you, Donkey Dave. That's my donkey.

Oh, shit. Oh, hi.

What's your name, little one? Craig.

All right. We don't need to talk to peasants all day. I'll wait with you.

Craig, how much for the donkey? Oh, okay.

100 gold.

50. Okay.

I can tell you guys are good at this.

Oh, my God. Craig, what's that scar on your forehead?

I don't know.

You don't know? I don't know.

He rushes at you and tries to strangle you. And he's like, his arms are around

your throat, but your throat's so muscular.

I tried to hug him and tell him that everything's okay.

You hug him and tell him everything's okay.

But he's like a wild animal. He bites into your neck, dealing seven damage.

That's my sister.

I eat seven damage for breakfast, Craig.

This is that magic rage sickness I told you guys about.

Oh, damn it. I think this guy has it.

I lovingly snap Craig's neck.

You do that, he's dead.

Whoa, what the fuck did you just do?

I walk over to Craig's lifeless body.

I take my 50 gold back.

But because I'm a gentleman, I give him five.

Wow, what the fuck is wrong with you guys?

I mean, he's a peasant, so his life does not matter, but still.

He was raging. He hurt our friends. All right, you guys are cool. You can come

into the town. It's good to have fellow adventurers, especially ones as deadly

as you.

So what's fun to do in Shatternion, you know, right before a battle? I tell you

what, you guys should come to the pub and meet my adventuring party. They're

great. You'll love them. Oh, yeah.

Dave takes you to the pub known as the Creaky Weave, where his party is taken

resident. You almost instantly recognize the party, a clutch of oddly dressed

people of various races, classes, and levels.

One of them looks like a thief, and he looks like he's a cocky guy, and he's

like, you guys are those legendary Earthscar heroes, huh?

Oh, yeah. Two savages and a monster?

That monster is my sister.

Sorry, you know, he's been drinking. He's not always like this. I'm always

this. You are.

Quit telling people that.

What's your name?

Tom.

Tom? Yeah. He's legit. He's a good guy. Is he?

Okay. The constable of the town comes into the cavern and he addresses Dave.

He's like, okay, I found some leads that might help you guys out. You want me to

send them in?

Sure, yes. Send us the leads.

All right. He brings in three old folks.

The first one of them just kind of like, ah.

I don't know what's been going on, but there's this weird old guy. He smells

like crap and he glares at everyone.

I think he's missing some teeth.

I think he might be causing this stuff. You know what I'm saying?

He carries this wand around.

Hmm. A warlock roaming the town, eh?

Aren't you an old, stinky person yourself?

I smell great.

I smell great!

Chain attack!

Chain attack!

All right.

It's a critical hit.

All right. And I make eye contact with the fighter guy while I...

Your chain wrapped around the old person's neck, and you can hear a

snap as he crumples to the ground. We can maybe cure these people, so we might

not need to kill all of them.

So when you guys see somebody raging, what do you normally do?

Well, uh... We quarantine them. I use my handcuffs or some shackles to... Does

that make them no longer enraged? No, but we are searching for a cure, and if

find it, there is... We found one.

Well, other than death, then we are going to get a huge reward.

There's two other old people.

What are their lead?

Oh, good, yeah. The other old person speaks up. They're coming from space,

they're stealing your dreams. I'm talking about star demons. Star demons

after us all. They want our toenails.

Well, this man's ill. I snap his... The third person's like,

you know, I've been saying this for weeks before the magical rage started,

the water from the well has been tasting disgusting. I don't know if that's

causing it. I don't know.

I've been saying we've got to find a new well. I mean, the barbarians are making

all this land unlivable.

All right, I snap his neck.

How close is the well to the creaky weave?

It's in the town square nearby.

We should inspect the city's water source.

Let's leave my party behind. They've had a lot of whiskey. Yeah, you guys

handled this one, heroes.

Nice neck snapping.

Sorry, what does that mean?

It means, like, we're good at our jobs, actually.

I'm sorry, I'm sorry. As opposed to whom?

Like you guys being bad and killing everybody.

What?

We don't need anyone's approval.

We get the job done. At the end of the day, necks are snapped, cities fall.

Let's check out this well.

The well is found in the center of town, in the town square. You can smell a

smelly old man rooting through garbage.

That's got to be a lead.

I walk up to the garbage guy.

Hey, man.

Hey, buddy.

Yeah, yeah. What's your name?

Tim. Hey, Tim, you don't happen to have a wand on you, do you? Oh, I do. Look at

it.

See?

Is it a magic wand, Tim? Oh, yeah.

Show me some magic.

Check this out. He touches your eyes, and you can see. Your vision improved.

Oh, shit.

Also, you feel an urge to be curmudgeonly, and you can feel your

Oh. Yeah, don't let Tim touch you with his wand.

That is, that's rule number one of Shatter Nine.

Yeah, but would you look at the definition of that poop I just made?

I can see so clearly.

You pieces of garbage.

Aw.

Oh, he's so cute this way. I got poopy drawers now.

Off with you, Tim!

Bring us a good lead!

Not so fast. Old man, if you just touch the water, is it bad? Or is it just bad

to drink?

I think it tastes bad, and I get my water from the wizard.

Who's the wizard? Who's the water wizard?

He's just a conjurer around here. He magically makes water.

Ah, see? When solving a mystery such as this, ask yourself, who profits?

I'm big enough to fit in this bucket. Someone want to lower me down and I'll

take a gander?

Okay, but I'm pretty sure we know who's doing this.

I light my evertorch, and I get in the bucket.

You do that, you're lowered down into the water. It indeed is gross smelling

stuff. I go a little bit underwater.

Underwater, you can see that there's actually a crack in the well, and

something dark in there, stuffed in there.

I try to see if I can pull it out.

Underwater.

Yeah, you pull it right out, and it starts falling to pieces. It's like a

that's been waterlogged so much, it's like it comes apart. You get like its

upper shoulder.

That's how into the show these people are. That's crazy.

What's going on down there? I found a dead body down there. That's probably

the water tastes all crap.

Cool, show us.

I try to bring the whole corpse up. Reel me back up. I got a corpse here. At

least bring up two arms so we can handcuff it.

All right. I try to bring the whole corpse up to topside. You do that.

It's in three pieces.

Two arms and the rest of the piece.

I think we solved the mystery of why the water in this well tastes bad. There's

a corpse down there. But the question is... Why would the corpse be stuffed

the wall of a well?

Right, and why would it make you magically angry?

Right. Should we go talk to this wizard guy? What do you think, Dave? This is

your town. I think we absolutely should find this guy. I think he's who put this

body in the well.

This ne 'er -do -well.

Oh!

I like to make fun.

I take the tongue and testicles. You do that.

I put them in my pockets.

You do that.

Wow, I would not do that.

I give my brother a look like, I love you no matter what.

All right, I think we're done here.

You head to the dwelling of the wizard. It's like a hole in the ground that's

protected by magical leaves.

He kind of pops his head up. Yo, what up?

Oh, hello, water wizard.

I do other stuff.

I can conjure all sorts of stuff.

Whose is this?

And I pull out the testicle.

He goes to a cabinet in his hole, and he pulls some bones out, and he tosses

them on the floor, and he shoots a magic spell at it, and he stares at the

bones. What is this jive? It's divination.

I'm sorry. I have a spell called Abadar's Truth -Telling, and I can find

this is the gentleman behind the magical plague by asking him just one question.

Avadar, grant me the power to see truth or falsehood.

You got it.

Gifted with this power of truth -telling, I ask the wizard Pointblank,

are the one profiting by making pure water, are you in fact the person who

created a magical rage plague? Yes, I bet.

Not only am I not that, but I also am generally not selling the water, but

giving it away for free.

Abador, is that true?

Check's out.

So you are a water wizard. What are your other wizards?

I can read the bones.

Okay. Yeah,

I didn't want to say it, but fuck this guy.

We got to go lateral.

I'm going out in the open air.

I'm Vince Vaughn.

I storm back into the tavern, and I do sense motive on Tom.

There you go.

All right. His motive is greed.

He doesn't really care about the villagers. He's just waiting for a

Okay. Why are you scrutinizing me as such?

Oh, I didn't know you could tell I was doing it. You're just over there sensing

my motive as such.

Maybe I'm just curious about your story. I walk over.

You trying to fuck my sister?

No. No.

I'm just trying to get drunk, man. So you can fuck me? No.

I'm just checking. She's very lonely. I walk on the train.

Tom, you fuck Limerick's sister yet?

Not yet.

Not now. Does anyone want to fuck my sister?

My expertise in leaping up to the rooftops. I'm just going to crouch on a

rooftop and brood. You do that. You crouch on a high rooftop brooding. You

see outside of the town. There's a giant pile of corpses.

Like 30 corpses.

I come running as fast as I

can on Bill the donkey.

What hole, Emmerich?

There's a pile of corpses over there.

You all started blowing on kazoos, and then you ran out of the bar.

Dave, come with us.

You find the pile of corpses. It sits rotting in the heat of the demon bird's

sun. This corpse stench stings your eyes and burns at your throat. It's a

sensation that you find frustrating, maddening even.

Why did we come here?

Dave, you feel magical rage drifting over your face. But being so strong of

will, you shake it off with your conviction and faith.

Guys, I'm fighting something here.

It's very difficult. There's only one thing to do.

Handcuff me to something.

It's the best solution.

We both learned to be more like each other. I'll handcuff you.

You do that, you can see a shifting among the corpses and the upper torso of

disgusting corpse in gore -crusted robe bursts out of the center.

A large red gem rises from out of the corpse pile, and the moving rogue

you can see, is hanging from the underside. It's like only his torso is

the surface of the gemstone, and he's like hanging upside down, going like...

Okay, I changed my mind. Uncuff me! Uncuff me! I'm going to uncuff you.

you. I'm uncuffing you. We need to destroy this guy. Set a perimeter.

Flank him.

Missile firers, get in the back line. Let's go!

And then I just run toward him, and... Swing my sword while screaming, fire of

entanglement!

You do that. You swing your sword, and it blasts him, dealing 14 damage.

The holy fire from your

entangling spell wraps and encircles him, and he's gripped by the holy light.

I can't hold him for long!

Bone Weevil, a corpse.

animates from the corpse pile and charges you before blowing up, showering

in viscera. Everybody takes ten damage.

Jesus Christ.

I whip out my sword and I say, the intestine is nigh.

And I go into a barbarian rage.

Whipping up into the air.

Whirling around like a whirling dervish.

You hit him, dealing 16 damage. You sever

the last remaining bodily bits that

are connecting the corpse to the stone. The stone kind of loses its sheen. It

kind of becomes less bright and just drops on top of the pile. I take my

fashion a lasso, spin it around my head, and try to lasso the gem off the top of

the heap. You do that. Oh, man.

Apparently, you're really good at lassoing.

Everyone in town, check out this gem. Touch it.

It's really cool. I got it more or less single -handedly.

You do that, everyone flocks around and starts cheering. The village elder comes

with a large stack of cash.

The village elder's like, thank you so much. You guys are great. You guys are

real heroes, huh?

They may have a different style than me, but I guess sometimes their style gets

results. My party and I require a place to sleep and bandage our wounds in

preparation for a giant war tomorrow.

Yeah, we weren't here to rest.

Oh, well, yeah, that's the least we can do. Yeah, maybe some comped rooms would

be nice. Yeah, all right.

That's easy enough. I go back into the pub because I feel like it's unfinished

business with those turkeys in there, Dave's friends.

We're in there laughing and drinking it up. Oh, yeah.

I'm taking a bath.

I'd like some help with this bath.

Like in Red Dead Redemption 2? Yeah.

You know?

Do you need help? Not my sister!

Can I talk to you?

Yes. Okay.

I move the thugs over my manhood.

I know we just got through this whole thing together. I was just wondering if

you could sing the song that Mom used to sing before she killed our little

brother.

Three field mice carrying straw and corn.

One moss bear.

I get into the bath.

The burden all forlorn. I slowly take off my...

Two mice

are left.

I start sudsing my skin.

For one is gone away.

For one cannot have three mice and eat on winter's

day.

and go, hey, guys, we ordered scotch. Oh, my god!

No! Oh, my god!

But what would our heroes find at Ivory Key?

Would they be able to save the day, the barbarian village, and indeed, the

world? And what was the deal with that sexual tension between Limerick and

Find out next time on Harmon West.