Original subtitles

Who do you think you are kidding, Mr.

Hitler, if you think we're on the run?

We are the boys who will stop your little game.

We are the boys who will make you sing again.

Cause who do you think you are kidding, Mr.

Hitler, if you think old England's done?

Mr. Brown goes off to town on the 821.

But he comes home each evening and he's ready with his gun.

So who do you think you are kidding, Mr.

Hitler? If you think old England...

Private Pike.

Yes, Sergeant. Private Fraser.

Yes, Sergeant. Lance Complejone.

Yes, Sergeant.

Private Walker.

Private Walker. Has anyone seen Private Walker?

Private Godfrey.

Pardon?

Are you there?

Yes.

Say so.

Platoon, turn.

Try to get it right, Jones.

Shut up.

Platoon, ready for inspection, sir.

Bar one.

Wilson, you're supposed to be giving me a piece of military information, not

calling the odds.

Who is it who's missing? Private Walker, sir.

He's supposed to be bringing me a bottle of whiskey. I hope he's all right.

So do I, sir. He's bringing me some cigarettes.

I don't like the sound of this. Out of the bottle of whiskey.

Well, he promised me a bottle of gin. He promised me a box of fudge for my

sisters.

Shall we carry on with items, sir? Yes, of course.

Platoon.

Open order.

March.

Sorry, sir. I'm not my usual self today, sir.

Oh, yes, you are, Jones.

I'm sorry I'm late, but I've got to go, you know. Yes, we all realise that walk

of falling. No, sir, you don't understand. I've got to go. It's for

Well, perhaps you took too much of it. Are you all right now? No, sir, it's my

call -up. I've got to go for my medical in ten days' time.

But I thought you were in a reserved occupation.

What do you describe yourself as?

I put myself down as a banana salesman and a wholesale supplier of illuminated

signs. Do you think that's where I slipped up?

This is very serious news.

I think you'd better fall the men out, Wilson.

Oh, yeah, yeah, fall out, chaps.

This is terrible, Joe.

Terrible. What about my whiskey? What about my gin?

What about my box of fudge? What about me mum's elastic?

Don't be selfish, men.

We mustn't be thinking about ourselves.

By the way, what about my whiskey?

I've got it in my bag. Oh, that's good.

Thank you.

See, the point is, we really need you in the platoon. I mean, you're more

important here to us than you would be there, eh, Wilson?

Yeah, definitely more important, sir.

You can't expect a bunch of brass hats at the war office.

and understand the situation.

I mean, to them, Walker is just a cipher.

But to us, it's an important cornerstone in our organisation.

Well, the time has come for action and not words. Don't you agree, Wilson? I

always think it's rather a good idea to keep the words to a minimum, sir. Yes,

precisely.

So we're going to send a signal to the War Office pointing out that they've

a mistake and telling them that we're jolly well coming down to sort it out

them. We'd better send a telegram. Take it down. I'll get some paper, sir.

Look, sir!

I know a few dodges that'll stop him from passing his medical.

And the best one is to pour water into his ear holes and then plug them up with

cotton wool.

And what happens then? Well, and then he'll be deaf just long enough not to

his medical, you see, sir. Are you suggesting I should stoop to underhand

tricks? No, sir.

But it's the only way you'll do it.

Nonsense. I shall just tell them straight that he's more important to us

would be in the army.

Ah, there you are.

Take this down.

To the officer in charge, Home Guard, War Office, London.

Message begins.

Message begins. Don't put that down.

Desirable walker not called up yet.

Shall I put that down, sir? Well, yes, of course. That's the message.

Request interview tomorrow, 5 p .m.

That's 1700 hours, sir. Yes, exactly.

That should do the trick. Signed Captain Manoring, officer in charge.

First platoon, Warmington on Sea Home Guard.

Here you go, Mr. Manoring. Have this one on me.

Oh, thank you very much, Walker.

Right. Send that away, would you, Wilson?

I don't give a damn.

I want it seen to at once, do you understand?

Well, you're not the only one who's been up all night. I haven't left this desk

in 24 hours.

For the armchair officers, they really get on my nerves.

There's a Captain Manoring and a Mr. Wilson here to see you, sir. They have

appointment for 1 ,700 hours.

Oh, five o 'clock. Yes, yes, yes.

I'd forgotten about them.

This is all the fault of that damn brother -in -law of mine. He's CO of a

outfit and a mad keen heel and toe merchant.

Heel and toe merchant, sir.

Long distance walker. He won the London to Brighton race in 37 and wants to get

a group of fellows together to form a crack team.

And what's this got to do with the Home Guard, sir? Well, he thought there might

be some fellows in Home Guard units waiting to be called up and asked me to

out a round robin to various units asking if they had any champions about

join the army. Did you have any luck?

No. No good at all.

Not a single answer. That was until I received this this morning.

Desirable walker not called up yet.

First interview tomorrow, 1700 hours.

Oh, yes.

Come in, please.

Thank you.

Come, sit down, gentlemen. I can spare you five minutes. Just give me the

details. What's this Walker's name?

I beg your pardon, sir? The Walker's name, ma 'am.

It's Walker, sir.

Now, I know that. I want his name.

His name's Walker, sir.

What, do you mean to say you have a Walker named Walker?

Well, yes, sir.

That's unusual, eh, cut?

No, I don't know, sir. I knew a butcher named Butcher once.

Did you?

Very well, and what's his record?

His record, sir?

Well, he has a record, doesn't he?

Does he have a record, Wilson?

I don't think he's ever been found out, sir.

No, no record, sir.

Is he good?

Oh, yes, sir, he's very good. How the hell do you know he's good if he hasn't

got a record?

I don't think I quite follow, sir.

Well, is he one of the London to Brighton walkers? Oh, no, sir. I think

of the Warmington on Sea walkers.

Sea walkers?

No, sir. Jay Walker. Jay Walker?

Yes. Joe Walker. That's his full name. I know his name, but how do you know he's

a walker?

Because he told us so.

That's right. He said, I'm Walker.

He must have said, I'm a walker. Not a walker. He said, I'm Jay Walker.

When's he due to be called up? Quite soon. He gets his medical next week.

Very well. Leave it with me. I'll see what I can do. Good day. All right.

you very much. Oh, that's the yellow warning. It's an air raid. You two

gentlemen are better go to the shelter in the basement. It's along the passage

and down the stairs. Just follow the others. Clearly marked. Oh, thanks.

um, good day.

A. Walker.

J. Walker.

They're sure of the pole, if you ask me.

If my brother -in -law wants walkers, he's jolly well going to have to find

himself.

Hadn't we better beat it down to the shelters too, sir? With those two

You can go if you like. I'd rather take the chances up here.

Wake up,

sir.

Oh, what is it now, Elizabeth?

The old chair is gone.

We've missed our last train home. Come on, we must find a hotel for the night.

Sir.

Are you asleep, Wilson?

Not yet, sir.

Are you sure you wouldn't like your friend to come and lie next to you?

No, thank you, madam.

I'm quite comfortable where I am.

Jolly decent of you to make room like this, Miss, um... Just call me Judy.

Well,

my name's Mannering, and this is Mr. Wilson.

How do you do?

Well, good night, uh... Judy.

Good night, Wilson.

Good night, sir.

Good night, Judy.

Good night, boys.

to apologise to the staff for me for keeping them waiting.

Tell them we were caught in the air raid and we had to wait for the first train

back in the morning.

Nasty thing to happen, sir?

Yes, we... We had to sleep in the underground and it's got to be mixed up.

Yes, sir.

Was there anything else, sir? No, of course there wasn't. How did... Oh, I

what you mean.

Thank you, Pike.

A bit embarrassing, sir. There's the staff having to wait on the doorstep for

to open up the bag.

Yes. As I put the key in the door, I distinctly heard that cheeky new girl

humming, who were you with last night?

Surely that was Run Rabbit Run, sir.

Oh, you always were tone deaf, Wolf.

If you don't mind my saying so, sir, you seem a bit edgy this morning. Edgy?

Who wouldn't be edgy after a night in the underground?

Didn't you sleep, sir?

I do not find someone shouting, mind the doors, let them off first, please, in

my ear, conducive to a good night's sleep.

I'll just pop off home to shave and change.

I haven't got much time. The committee is meeting at 11 .30.

What precisely do you do in this committee?

Inspect the drain?

It's the Military Service Hardship Committee, sir.

For people with one -man businesses who'd be ruined if they called up.

Oh, I see.

Draft dodgers. Not all, sir. Some of them are quite genuine cases.

Well, I'm sure they... Wait a minute.

Walker.

He's a one -man business.

Well, if he's called up, he'll hardly be ruined, sir. No, but we shall be.

I'm sorry, sir.

I couldn't be party to anything like that. I'm not suggesting anything

underhand, Wilson.

There's nothing to stop him going before the committee, is there? No, I suppose

not, sir. And you'll be there to make sure he gets a favourable hearing?

I must emphasise, sir, that I shall have to be absolutely impartial. I shall

expect you to be, Wilson. I shall expect you to be.

And I know I can rely upon you to banish from your mind any thought that if

Walker goes, so do the cigarettes and the whiskey.

No, he will judge this case solely in the light of the mortal blow that will

dealt to his struggling one -man business and the threat to the security

island. If we lose one of the only able -bodied men in our unit. But he will be

in the army, sir.

This is the place Jerry's going to attack, Wilson.

Not Catterick.

What does he have to do?

He fills in an application form.

Well, bring one back with you and we'll get it filled in tonight.

Then he has to get someone to speak for him, sir. A lawyer?

No, just a reliable citizen of some repute.

Well, can you think of any more suitable person than a bank manager like me?

Well... That was it.

I shall represent him.

And in conclusion, may I urge the tribunal, with respect of course, but

tribunal to consider that this is not a war in which gallant knights ride out to

cross swords with the king's enemies.

This is mortal combat to the death for every man whose veins course with

blood. Every man jack of us can throw out our chests and say, I am a front

soldier. Not only the men, Mr. Manoring.

Precisely, Mrs. Chairman. Uh, Mrs. Chairwoman.

This is exactly the point I'm trying to make.

Every man jack and every woman jack can throw out their... Well,

you know the sort of thing that I mean.

And, uh, that Mr.

Madam Chairman, woman, and, um, uh, gentleman, It's my case on behalf of

Walker.

Before we continue, I'm sure we'd all like to thank Mr. Mannering for coming

along and assisting us.

Do you second that, Mr. Wilson?

Oh, yes, I would indeed.

Mr. Mannering has put Walker's case most ably, if at some length.

Do you wish to say anything before we go any further, Mr. Rees?

Yes, Madam Chairman.

Through the chair, I would like to say that we have heard a very eloquent

speech. from Mr. Manoring, but none of it was to the point.

What we're here today to decide is if Mr. Walker is called up, would it ruin

business? That and nothing else.

The fact that Mr.

Manoring has extolled the virtues of Mr. Walker has no bearing whatsoever on the

case.

Thank you, Mr. Rees.

Do you want to add anything, Mr. Wilson? I'm sure Mr. Manoring is the last

person in the world to waste the tribunal's time.

Deliberately.

I'm sure it's just ignorance of our procedure that led him to go on a little

longer than was perhaps absolutely necessary.

Let's get the details right.

Your business address is 1B Slope Alley, just off the High Street.

Well, you know, I have lived in Warmington -on -Sea my entire life, and

cannot place where your business is.

Yes. Through the chair, I'd like Mr. Walker to tell us where his business is.

Well, through the chair, I'll tell you. No, no, Mr. Walker, you do not go

through the chair.

I? Mr.

Wilson and Mr. Rees speak through the chair, and you speak to me.

Oh. You see, I am the chair.

Oh, yes, well...

You go down the ice street just past Mr. Manoring's bank. Carry on for about 100

yards and Slope Alley is on your right. You go down at about 20 yards and you

come to a little green door.

You go through that and you find yourself in a yard. And that's where

business is?

No, not quite.

That's where Sid Newman's business is, setting land motor car accessories.

Well, you go through his yard and down at the bottom are a couple of old

garages. That's where I am.

And how long... has your business been established?

About a year. I started it just after the war broke out when I realised things

were going to be in short... I was a bit short of money when I started it.

Do you have any questions, Mr Rees? Yes.

I see you describe yourself as wholesale supplier.

What exactly does that mean?

Well, it means if you want something, I can get it for you. Be specific.

What does he mean?

Tell him what you supply.

Oh, I see. Well, that all depends on what you want.

Do you not have any relatives, someone who could run your business for you for

the duration?

No, I'm an orphan.

Poor fellow.

He has no father.

Or mother.

We know what an orphan is, Mr. Mannering.

I'm sure Mr. Manoring has no intention of casting a slur on the intelligence of

the tribunal, but when one talks as much as Mr. Manoring does, a certain amount

of it is bound to be rather unnecessary.

Have you any questions, Mr. Wilson?

No, no.

Before we can make any decision about your case, Mr. Walker, we will have to

your book.

Have you brought them with you?

No, I didn't think you'd want to see them.

Until you produce your book, Mr Walker, we cannot proceed with this case.

Is this the last appeal of the day, Mr Wilson?

Yes. Right, then I'm off.

I'm late enough as it is.

By the way, Boyo, let me have your card, will you? Might be able to do a bit of

business before you get called up. Here you go, Mike.

Well, I think we did very well, Walker. I think they were impressed with our

case. Do you, sir?

Well, of course, they'd be the last people in the world to let their

show. I got the impression they thought we were a couple of right Charlies.

Well, I'm a pretty old hand at this game, and let me assure you, you're

wrong. All we have to do is bring along your books next week, and everything

will be all right. I can't do that, Mr. Manoring. Why not? I don't keep them.

You mean you run a business and you don't keep books?

I've never heard anything like it. Couldn't we cook up a set of books

us, Mr Manoring? After all, you are a bank manager. You should know how.

How dare you suggest such a thing, Walker?

With all my years of banking, I've never heard of anything so outrageous.

I washed my hands of the entire affair.

Good day to you.

What did I say?

There's only one way out of this joke.

We're just going to have to make sure that you don't pass that medical

Right, take your shoes and socks off.

What for?

Well, you ain't flat -footed, are you? Of course I ain't. Well, you soon will

be. All you've got to do is keep jumping off this ladder and remember to land

flat -footed. I ain't doing that. It'll hurt me.

Only at first. You'll soon get used to it. Come on, come on. All right, I'll do

it, but I'll start from the bottom step.

When you jump, you won't feel a thing.

Like this.

Not now, Mr. Club. Three weeks till he gets up the ladder. Right, come on, Joe.

Right, get on with it.

I'll start counting.

Ow! One.

Ow! Two.

Ow!

497.

Ow!

498. Right, that's your lot. I'm not doing any more. All right, all right.

stick your feet in here.

Now, onto the paper.

Now, let's see the result.

Oh, there you are.

That was a pancake.

My feet's all swelled. I can't get my shoes on. You've ruined me for life.

you worry, lad. Your feet will be right as rain in a couple of days.

Just long enough to foul that medical.

Right, now, let's see.

Jock, you was in the last lot. Do you remember anything else you did in your

medical?

Aye. I had to give a little cough.

Oh.

Right, well, shall we?

Well, there must have been more to it than that.

Aye. Well, there must have been something else.

Ah, but can you remember?

It was a long time ago.

No, neither can I.

Oh, well, we'll skip that for a minute.

Right, now, pay attention.

Here is the plan for tomorrow.

Right, Jay, what time have you got to be at the medical board tomorrow?

Half nine.

Right. You will leave your house at nine sharp, and young Pikey will come with

you. And you will run right around the town till you get to the medical centre

at 9 .20.

Running, running, running all the time.

And we shall be waiting for you round the back, you see.

And by the time you get in front of that medical board, you'll be fit.

Fit for nothing.

I'll always be in England while there the country

lays.

See, the whole thing depends on Spitz's second timing.

9 .20.

Oh, here he comes.

Blimey, I'm all in. Let me sit down. No, you're not sitting down, mate. Keep

running, keep running.

Now, eat this. What's it for?

It's a little bit of soap. Now, keep your heart beating faster.

If my heart beats any faster, I'll take off. Now, stand still for a minute.

Thank you, Chuck.

Now, what's this for? Now, this will put your eyes out of focus.

I'll take it off at the last minute.

Now, don't stop. Keep running, keep running.

All right.

9 .27, start spinning them around, boys.

That's it.

That's it. All right, mate.

This is it.

Come on.

All right, we'll be in there a good half hour. We'd better wait and see what

happens.

Blimey, that was quick.

Did they turn you down? No, they cancelled it. It's not until tomorrow.

Parade 630 tomorrow night.

Platoon, attention.

Dismiss.

They passed me A1 this afternoon, sir. That means I'll be leaving in about two

weeks' time.

It's GHQ for you, sir. Who is it?

Hello? Manoring?

What's all this I hear about Walker being called up? I'm afraid it's true,

He's going to take over our essential supplies.

Essential supplies?

The whiskey man.

Oh, I'm afraid there'll be no more, sir.

No more?

But it's essential to the Home Guard war effort.

Yes, it does help keep all the lads on their toes.

Keep them on their toes?

It's the only thing that keeps our chaps on their feet.

My staff are all Burr War veterans.

Well, I'm afraid there's nothing we can do, sir.

There's something I can do.

You can take it from me that Walker will not be called up.

Oh, thank you very much, sir.

Walker, in here.

I've fixed it.

I've had a word with the brigadier.

And you can take it from me that you will not be called up.

Oh.

Two pairs, blouses, battle dress, two.

Shirts, flannel, two.

Braces, one pair.

Drawers, woolen, two pairs.

Socks, grey wool, two pairs.

Straight coats, dismounted, one.

Boots, ammunition, one pair.

Caps, field service, one.

And get your bleeding hair cut.

Put your thumbs up and say it's Tiggity Boo.

Because Tiggity Boo means everything will be fine.

You'll always wear a smile.

Tickety -boo, tickety -boo, tickety -boo today.

First army meal, eh?

What? I said... Oh, never mind.

What's this, then?

Eh? I said, what's this, then?

Don't you want it?

They were right, these corned beef fritters.

Yeah. These ain't bad.

You know, funny thing is, I've never tasted corned beef before.

Eh? I said... I'll skip here.

easy and that's sugar.

There's no much left.

How are we going to get any more without Private Walker?

I don't know, son.

We're going to miss him, you know.

Still can't believe he's gone.

All right, line up. I've got chocolate biscuits, air grips and nylons.

Good heavens, Walker. What are you doing here? I got my ticket. I'm out. How?

Simple. I'm allergic to corned beef.

Well, I don't know about you, but I did not want that to end. And thankfully,

tomorrow and Tuesday night at 8, there's another new and exclusive Lost episode,

and if you stick around, you get a sneak peek at what the platoon will be up to.

Next tonight, Classic Dad's Army.