Original subtitles

Hey, hey, toss it in there. And don't believe it

when you read there's no crime in this town.

I stole that newspaper from the neighbors this morning.

Ah, newspapers, for people

who like Tuesday's news on Wednesday.

[♪ LOUD MUSIC PLAYING ON HEADPHONES]

Wow, wow. Hey, hey.

Aren't you afraid that much noise is gonna hurt his brain?

You've seen his report card. Can't get much worse.

Sadly, your grandfather has seen worse.

My last semester was my first trimester.

Carter, Carter! You gotta turn that down, man.

I want you to take the garbage out. Come on, let's go.

Oh, I don't do that anymore.

Have you seen your report card? This could be your future.

There was an incident. We don't have to unpack...

A raccoon made him cry.

[LAUGHING]

- Really? - I did not cry,

first off, okay? It was a warrior scream.

Okay? It's basically a bear with knives for fingers.

It's like Nightmare on Elm Street out here.

You're kidding. Right? Raccoons.

They've been in this neighborhood since I was a kid.

They were here in the 1600s?

I don't mind taking out the trash.

I like seeing the raccoons

since you won't let us have a dog.

You gotta face your fears, okay?

I do that every time I ask you, "How's it going?"

Take the garbage out. Let's go.

- [CLATTERING] - [CARTER SCREAMS]

Coming!

[MATT] Hey! Go on, come on.

[WHISTLES] Let's go. Come on.

Go, go, go, go, go, go, go! Come on, come on.

He's on the move!

Carter, you got to deal with the raccoon, all right?

You're 16. You're a man now.

If you were Jewish, you'd be middle-aged.

He's more afraid of you than you are of him.

The only thing afraid of Carter is a sandwich.

[♪ ROCK THEME PLAYING]

[TIRES SCREECHING]

Stitch, I could use a little help over here.

Oh, not right now.

I'm updating my dating profile on "Big 'N' Smalls."

Is that for people who like hip-hop?

Don't be racist.

It's for big women who like small men.

How many dating sites are you on?

I'm on more apps than ranch dressing at Applebee's.

I'm glad I'm off the apps now that I'm onto Amelie.

You know what I mean.

I mean, sexually.

Oh, my God.

I know. You see me as a spiritual being,

but the body has needs.

No, I opened up another app. Look.

What the hell?

Someone's catfishing as Riley.

No, a catfisher would have used

a photo with more cleavage and fewer kids.

What are you guys up to?

Oh, nothing.

By the way, how does it feel

to be an affectionate and loyal mama bear

who's done hibernating and ready to forage?

- Ugh! Oh, no. - Oh, yes.

How did you find me?

You hit my very specific age range, 24 to 68.

Are you sure you're ready for the dating apps?

The only guys that go on there are creepers and pervos.

Bro, I just said I was on it.

I know.

Well, I haven't been on a date in 17 years,

and, let's face it, I'm not getting any younger.

Well, your profile says you're 31.

I was very recently 31.

Well, as long as you're lying,

maybe you don't want to say you're a single mom.

Hey, if a guy doesn't want to date me because I'm divorced

or I have kids, or I live with my dad,

or I'm in debt...

I forgot my point, but now I need a drink.

So I guess you're over Gabe now.

Well, my head is over Gabe.

I know it's not logical to be into a guy who's happy

with his sexy blonde girlfriend,

but my heart is like,

[GOLLUM VOICE] "Get the precious."

♪

Hey, Carter. I want to take care of that raccoon. Okay?

- [DOORBELL RINGS] - Oh, way ahead of you, Pops.

What, do you just hang out here in the house

and hope you outlive it?

What...

- Hey. - Hi. I'm Chris. I'm looking for Carter.

Well, you're going to need a bigger cage.

No. Carter hired me to get rid of a raccoon.

What? You hired an exterminator to help you face your fears.

The pros of being a working man.

You can outsource your work. [CLICKS TONGUE]

Well, I'm not just an exterminator.

I'm a ChoreRabbit. I also do graphic design.

But, uh, my true passion is improv comedy.

I can get you on the email list if you want.

We do four shows a week. They are very long.

It's just like the Swiss Army knife of useless things.

Kind of like the Swiss Army.

That's funny. That is good.

Have you ever thought about doing improv?

No.

Actually, the first rule of improv is that you never say...

No.

Yeah, I saw the raccoon out back hanging out by the trash cans.

He looked pretty mean.

In no way did he ever make me cry.

I'm sorry to send you away, but my grandson's going to

take care of the raccoon, so thanks, anyway.

Okay, well, I'm gonna have to charge you

unless you bring 5 to 30 friends to my show on Thursday?

What are you doing? You can't hire people

to do stuff you're scared of. That's a job for a nanny.

Listen, are you familiar with Marcus Aurelius?

Oh, you mean hot tub Mark from Love Island?

No. Marcus Aurelius, the Roman emperor,

the stoic philosopher.

He talked about the value

of doing difficult things to make us stronger men.

Sounds like he needs a little hot tub time.

All right, let's forget Marcus Aurelius.

Let's, um, um...

You remember when we saw Rocky III?

- Oh, yeah, with Mr. T. - Yeah.

I pity the fool who don't like a hot tub!

Yeah. Yeah, that was it.

But it was, remember Rocky facing off against Mr. T, right?

And then Rocky, "Adrian, what do you want me to say, Adrian?

Adrian! I'm scared. You know, I'm scared."

Oh, so the raccoon is my Mr. T.

Yes! Yes, you got it, you got it.

And you'll face that fear.

You'll get through it and you'll learn how to do it yourself.

And you feel better about it.

It'll be like building Lego Gandalf

without the instructions.

What?

Wow, we... we needed nerds

to win the Cold War. But at what cost?

♪

Guess who matched with a guy and set a date? That's right.

Turns out someone does like an honest

30... [MUMBLES] year old.

Let me get this straight,

in one day, you found a stranger,

you gave him your number, and you planned a date?

You're definitely getting murdered.

Stop. Maybe he's the one.

Yeah, the one who will kill you.

Tom's really sweet.

We've been texting quite a bit, and he seems really cultured.

He sends GIFs from the British Office.

You know who else liked the British Office?

Jack the Ripper.

- So, where are you guys going? - Red Brick Tavern.

Maybe we should go and make sure you're safe.

- No! - You can't trust somebody until you look them in the eye.

I once dated a girl I was sure I was gonna kill me

but, instead, she killed the neighbor.

Sex was wild. I dated her for another six months.

♪

♪

Oh, wow. You look pretty.

Oh, stop. No, really. Keep going.

You going to court for that speeding ticket?

'Cause that deep V is good for that.

Inappropriate, but right?

I, uh, I have a date.

- Oh. Where'd you meet him? - Dating app.

- Cancel. - What? Why?

I'm nervous as it is. Don't make me feel guilty.

Last time I said that was also on a date.

Dating apps are like 90% serial killers.

I just listened to a true crime podcast called "Swiped to Death".

I really need to put one of those parental locks on your phone.

Can you show me how to do that?

You should leave some DNA on him.

Hair is fine. Blood is ideal.

And whatever you do, do not go to a second location.

Well, now I'm excited to find love.

If anything happens, can I have your purses?

♪

Hey, I'm meeting a guy. He's tall, cute,

would impress all my friends at my high school reunion.

You've got to be kidding me.

Gabe, what the hell are you doing here?

Being a good friend

and enjoying this delightful dragonfruit mojito.

I told you, you don't need to do this.

Oh, really?

Because I saw your date casing the exits when he walked in.

Very sus.

He's either a murderer, a robber,

or he has IBS.

You're insane.

And so is that. I'm getting one.

[CLEARS THROAT] Hi, I'm Riley. You must be Tom.

Unless Tom has an identical twin,

in which case, jackpot!

Uh, did I say I'm Riley?

I am Tom. It's nice to meet you.

You look great.

Oh. Oh, okay.

And, uh, I just happened to run into my friend over there.

He's mentally ill.

And, uh, he loves a spicy marg.

Well, I guess you could say he's "jalapeno" business.

Oh, God. I promised my daughter I wouldn't make a dad joke.

- Oh, you have a daughter? - I do not.

♪

Okay. Time to focus here.

Carter, put your phone down.

I'm trying to score a KPop Demon Hunter Funko Pop on eBay.

This is urgent.

Carter. How about some English?

Time to stay vigilant, kid. Okay?

I really wish you'd met your great-grandpa.

He's a great guy. Good inspiration for me.

I was in the high school football championships, right?

Oh, as a player or a cheerleader?

I'm going to pretend that you didn't just say that.

I was a receiver, right?

Went over the middle and I got cracked.

I got hurt bad, you know?

And I'm limping off the field, and I was scared.

I couldn't go back in there, and my dad was on the sidelines,

and he goes, listen, "Face your fear. Face your pain.

Go back in there and do it for your team."

And you scored the winning touchdown, Pops?

No, I did not.

I jumped offsides twice and then threw up on my shoes.

But I faced my fears, and I felt like a man that day.

Sounds like that was the day

he forced you to play with a concussion.

No, no, they hadn't invented concussions yet, you know,

or peanut allergies or deep feelings.

You know, early brain trauma could explain

your sudden outbursts of anger.

Or your slow, simmering anger.

[TRASH CANS RUSTLING, BOTTLES RATTLING]

It's go time. Show that raccoon who is boss.

- Ya boy. - It's go time!

Ah!

It's just me. Geez.

- What are you doing? - I'm recycling.

Despite what you say, it's not a hoax.

You scared away the raccoon we were waiting for.

Isn't that what you're trying to do?

Hate when she's right.

Spoken like a true man.

♪

I can't believe you're actually here.

You only know that because you're also here.

I'm just protecting Riley from a crazy stranger.

And I'm protecting her from a crazy friend.

Yeah, crazy about these mojitos.

Come on, man. You can't mess up

her first date she had in 17 years.

My grandmama hard candy dish get more action than she does.

She's like a sister to me.

You know, I just want to make sure that she's okay.

She's got no idea what she's doing.

Just look at her.

That was hard to watch.

♪

When your dad wasn't on tour,

did you guys do any, like, guy stuff, like, build anything

or go fishing or anything?

Kind of. I mean, one time he stole a lobster

out of a fish tank at a Chinese restaurant.

So cool.

Lost the tip of his pinky.

That is a weird story.

Who's, like, the male idol of your generation?

Uh, Timmy Chalamet, obvs.

The bird-legged Willy Wonka who made love to a peach? Makes sense.

All the girls love him 'cause he's sensitive,

has great style, and amazing hair.

So your male role model is a woman?

Yes, but she loves the Knicks.

We had a lot of role models as a kid, you know?

Clint Eastwood, John Wayne,

the Marlboro Man on a horse.

Big manly guy riding a horse, smoking a cigarette.

He was a man's man

until the last agonizing days on a respirator.

[IMITATES FLATLINE BEEP]

Hey, thanks for helping me get over my fears, Pops.

You'd make a pretty good cheerleader.

I'm gonna pretend you didn't just say that.

But I'm proud of you for doing this.

Really? You're proud of me?

- Yeah. - Oh, my gosh.

I'm gonna put this in my diary once I find that tiny key.

I don't...

[LEAVES RUSTLING]

[FOOTSTEPS PATTERING]

It's go time. Let's go show that raccoon who's boss.

Come on, come on.

Get the marshmallows. Get the marshmallows!

[INHALES SHARPLY] Ooh, about that...

I didn't think we'd need 'em, so I ate 'em.

And before you ask, I didn't save you any.

♪

So, uh, what do you do for a living?

[CLEARS THROAT]

Oh.

Do you have a problem with cops?

Only a criminal would have a problem with cops.

[AWKWARD LAUGHTER]

Right. So...

back to my question. What do you do for a living?

Whoa. A lot of questions.

Heh, heh. Are you a cop?

Kidding. I'm in... business.

Cool, cool. Love business.

Hey, have you ever heard or been on the podcast "Swiped to Death"?

Does Riley look uncomfortable?

She always look that way.

I think it's resting wedgie face.

Now, come on, man, be honest with me.

You only here because you still have feelings for Riley, right?

Whoa. [CHORTLES]

I'm with Amelie. Okay?

She's my girlfriend. Riley is my girlfriend.

Girlfriend. Girlfriend? You know what I'm sayin'?

I asked you a question.

Do you still have feelings for Riley?

No. N-O. Nay.

"No" in Spanish.

All right, well, come on, man, let's go.

Yeah, she's doing fine. All right.

Is everything okay?

Okay? It's great.

'Cause if you want, we can go somewhere else.

You mean, like, a second location?

Heh... Oops.

♪

Move a little closer. Force him into the Damone's yard.

Serves them right for getting a trampoline, right?

Come on. You gotta make eye contact.

Show him who's boss.

Otherwise, he thinks he'll just stay in the yard.

What happened?

- I don't know. I froze. - You got scared?

Yeah. Knives for fingers.

We've been talking about this all day. Gotta face your fears.

Haven't you been listening to me at all?

- I tried. - Tried?

You can't try. You either do or you don't.

And now, he's not gonna leave.

Now he owns this property.

I'm fine with that.

Fine with never coming back in the yard again?

I'm sorry I'm not man enough for you.

This isn't about me. I'm here to help you.

Yeah, so you can have a grandson you're actually proud of.

[SIGHS]

[CLEARS THROAT] So, um, what is the second location you have in mind?

Say it loudly and clearly,

as if you're speaking to the whole restaurant.

It's this great wine bar called The Cab Cave.

Ooh, underground. Love that.

Um, just give me a second. I have to check on my daughter.

You should. There's no service there.

Ah, ha, ha!

Perfect.

[PHONE BUZZING]

Did you mean to send this to me?

"Gabe, Tom is for sure a murderer.

He's taking me to a cave. I left DNA."

Oh, my God!

Autocorrect must have changed

"sweet and cute" to "for sure a murderer!"

Am I really giving off a serial killer vibe?

I mean, uh, I don't know,

because I've never met one, right?

- I'm actually a cop. - You are?

Then why did you act all weird when those guys came in?

Uh, because they're my friends.

I don't put on the apps that I'm a cop

because, honestly, women are way too into the uniform.

Oh, yeah. Oh, I get it.

That's how I felt when I worked at Hot Dog on a Stick.

You did? Do you still have the hat?

I'm such an idiot. I'm so sorry for the text

and for everything I said before that

and for what I'm saying now!

This is not my shining moment.

- It's okay. - I'm just trying to get back

into the dating game after 17 years.

Which, yes, yes, if you do the math. I lied about my age.

But I have to lie. I'm 34, which is like 100 in LA.

There's a raccoon in my house, which isn't even my house.

It's my dad's house.

And I know I told you both my kids are smart,

but only one of them is.

And if we're being honest...

I think you're being too honest.

I'm... I'm still hung up on that guy who was sitting over there.

Your mentally ill friend?

He's not mentally ill. I just said that because I'm a liar.

[GASPS] I lied to a cop. [SOBBING]

So nice meeting you. I should go.

Um, you're so nice.

Good luck.

♪

Wow. Killing some zombies, huh?

Can't kill zombies. They're already dead.

Duh!

Carter, come on. Listen, that was rough.

I didn't mean that. You know, I...

I'm sorry.

Whatevs. NBD.

If we're going to do this, I need some vowels.

Are you disappointed in me again?

No, I'm not disappointed in you.

It's... This is on me. This is about me and my dad to me.

He was such a hard-ass, you know?

I wanted to be an artist my whole life. He just didn't get it.

He wanted me to follow into the machine shop.

Be a machinist because that, you know, that's what men do.

I mean, he's not wrong.

I just never had the courage to tell him what I really wanted.

You know?

He wasn't a raccoon, but I was scared of him.

And to be honest, in the right light,

their eyes look very similar.

What a weird story.

Just... I don't want to push you like he pushed me.

Thanks, Pops.

If there was a draft for grandson, you'd be first pick.

That's a sports analogy.

I don't expect you to know a sports analogy.

No, no, no, I get it. I watch E-sports.

E-sports? That's like the Tofurky of sports.

That's not pushing. That's mocking.

♪

[RILEY GASPS]

She caught the raccoon!

That's the good news.

Bad news is we may have to talk to her again.

Caught the critter.

A lot of families like to say goodbye.

Not this one.

Actually, I do.

Careful, Carter. This is not like the raccoon

from Guardians of the Galaxy.

Less sassy, more rabies.

It's okay. I want to face my fears.

I love this for you, Carter.

What? I'm being nice.

He's actually kind of cute. Let's set him free.

- Well, you're the boss. - No, he's not the boss. Don't...

- What are you doing? - Let him free! Let's see him.

Now we gotta move.

- Synced and corrected by naFraC - - www.addic7ed.com -