Original subtitles

Dear viewer!

I have nothing but bad news for you.

The Government is forced to raise the car tax and the land tax,

the inheritance tax and the VAT,

the income tax and the subsistence tax.

Urban transport is halting due to the lack of money.

Police ends their patrols and the Rescue Board is disbanded.

On strike are the teachers, the farmers, the tram drivers,

the pastry chefs, the athletes and the actors.

The European Union considers throwing Estonia out.

Actor Jan Uuspõld, however, has turned a new leaf in his life.

The famous actor publicly unveils his new lover.

Life is like a fairy tale!

Will this fairy tale have a happy ending?

I dare to doubt it.

Like my friend T. H. Ilves once said:

"There is nothing more despicable for an Estonian

than the happiness of another Estonian."

Rock around the cock!

Jan, what is wrong with you?

Is this necessary?

Of course! It gives you a kind of healthy glow.

It stings.

It has to. - Oh, it does?

Oh my God, what is going on here today?

Ževakin is a wannabe-director

filming the world's sexiest centenarian.

Cringe alert. Cringe alert.

Totally cringe! Whoa!

Why does charging have to come with completely fuckery?

Relax! I am here and beside you.

But if the call is about work?

Well, this is our work, isn't it?

Think about it ― we started together from scratch.

Well, yeah.

Look at where we've made it in this time. Right?

Still no money though.

Make-up! - What is this?

This is detox lamination.

Is this necessary? - Yeah, it's our new service!

Why? I look like a sausage.

Stop it! You're perfect.

Listen, I don't know how to do these things.

Only you can do it, everyone loves you.

You think so? - Yeah!

Can you take his pants off? - Please, Jan.

We can't disappoint people. - Okay.

So let's do this intimate scene!

Very good, very good, alright!

Alright. Jan, I'm here!

Jan! Shoot! Very good!

Whoa, mariachi!

Very good, very good! - Isn't this a little tasteless?

What do you mean? You're a star! You've got the power!

Go on, let's do this. See. - Oh, mariachi, huh?

What is this? - What?

Look!

A boil on his ass!

The doctor said it's due to nerves.

What nerves? - Does it hurt?

Yeah, nerves. - Hey, do something!

Where's the make-up?

We need foundation in bulk here. - How long will it take?

Half an hour at least. - What?!

Can't we do it quicker? - Maybe Photoshop could help?

Photoshop? That's cheap!

But I am a cheap man.

Okay. Okay, let's do it. - Sorry.

Jan, here. Hi. How are you then? - Jan!

I've been thinking about you.

Jan, I understand that you've had a nice summer.

Middle age. You're in heat. But this party ends now.

You'll tell summer wife "bye-bye!" and march back home.

All clear, right? - Home, huh?

Yeah, home!

I'll be back from India in two weeks.

Wait, I... - And one more thing ―

The bank account better be at the same state as before.

The money is for our summer home which you stuff in your lover now.

Okay, but...

I need a husband and the kid needs a dad.

Listen, wait... - Ciao, husband!

I packed our bags in the meantime.

So sweet.

Are you taking these sweatpants along?

Yeah!

Okay.

Right, so with this Tenerife... There is a catch.

What catch?

I can't come.

What do you mean you can't?

I suddenly got this thing.

What thing?

My uncle's dog fell ill. I have to babysit it,

uncle himself is sick too.

Wait, who is sick ― your uncle or his dog?

The do... uncle.

The dog is sick too.

Well, maybe someone else can babysit the dog?

No. It's the kind of dog who bites people.

Bites people, huh? - Yeah.

When the dog was a puppy, my uncle beat him.

Jan, did your wife call you just now?

The phone did ring, yeah.

But I took care of it, it's done.

She told you to come home, didn't she?

We actually did consider the options.

Why are you treating me as if I were some kind of rag!

I'm not treating you... - You are though!

Honey...

How have I wronged you? - You've done nothing wrong.

So why are you behaving like this?

I thought I'd pop home, check out how things are.

I was so looking forward to this trip.

Maybe I could still come then.

You could? It would be a super trip for us.

There's the sun and the sea.

And just the two of us. Naked on the beach sand.

Making endless love. - Endless.

Listen, I've been thinking and I need to take my time.

And anyway, I'm off to... - Are you still with that person?

I'm not, honestly!

So where are you then?

At the beach.

The beach? - Yeah.

I felt I had to come and see the sea.

I need some time alone to think.

About stuff. A bit.

And what are those sounds?

Seagulls.

Seagulls?

Yeah.

Send a selfie, I want to see your damn seagulls.

What? Now? For what?

So I can understand whether you're fucking with me or not.

JAN UUSPÕLD GOES HOME

Jan?!

What are you doing here?

Oh, I just... Been thinking on my own.

Came to take a selfie for your wife

about thinking on your own at the beach, huh?

Actually it's very good that I saw you just now.

An idea!

A concrete offer.

A film that will be the talk of the town next year.

Jan Uuspõld Goes to Tartu.

The new version.

I mean a top product, not the amateurish crap they made last time.

The AI will write, Arvo makes the tunes, there will be top actors.

I wouldn't have expected such a dumb idea even from you.

What do you mean? Wait, what's the problem?

Listen, I no longer feel like playing an idiot.

This Jan Uuspõld movie is the thing that ruined my life.

I'd rather do something serious, something with meaning.

Okay, okay, we'll do something serious.

First this and then we'll go deep. Really.

First you need the new coming of Uuspõld.

Then I'll just keep on coming.

Coming... and going again.

Arvo, stay in your element, alright?

Wait, where were we? Will you do it?

I'd rather not.

Okay. Everyone lives their lives as they can.

Or like God guides them.

Arvo, no!

Let's go. - Hey, wait! Wait.

Could you give me a little loan?

A loan?

Yeah. Like ten grand or something.

Ten grand? - Yeah.

The debt collectors hound me all the time.

Those bloodsuckers take everything away.

Damn it, shit.

I won't give you a loan.

But what I can do... is to give you an advance.

You sign, you get the advance. - What does it say?

Pfft, the usual crap. Legal stuff.

You sign away your rights to life and everything.

Rights... sign away...

Give me a pen.

My shitty life belongs to everyone else anyway.

Hey, come on...

Everyone knows better how I should live my life!

Goddamn bunch of monkeys!

Well! - Well, well! Here you go!

Arvo!

Oh, right.

Oh, mortal! You are weak.

Everything easily gotten is lost easily.

The tempting song of the sirens suffocates the voice of reason.

Thus the young gentleman loses everything he had.

And the road home grows ever longer.

Cocksville!

Bad words.

So what should I say?

Dang it.

Gaggle of cocks!

What?

Listen! Tintinnabuli.

Yeah, one-two, here's the dew.

Could you maybe write it down?

My credit is currently screwing the debit.

Write it down? No, I can't write it down.

Why not?

The thing is, the drinks are actually on me today.

Oh?

Today I have a slightly less bad day than usual.

Yeah? - It's my last day at work.

Oh, what happened?

Well, my Swedish aunt died.

Oh, I'm so sorry.

Left me quite a hefty inheritance.

Ah! What are you planning to do?

I thought I'd enter the world of investment.

Investments to the soil is really hot right now.

Very interesting.

I, for example, am currently incredibly drawn to love.

Love? - Yeah.

See, if you've had sex till morning, Urmas,

then next day you'll feel like running over air.

It's unbelievable how women want men of our age.

Me and you.

Me? - Yeah, you!

No, being completely honest, sex is not a solution.

So what is then?

Well, investments.

Visions of the future. Stable self-development.

What are you talking about? We are born here to be wild.

How stupid am I? I've got everything.

Okay, bye! - Jan! Where are you going?

He's just not the man for you. - Don't say that!

Honey, you deserve so much better.

I don't know, I feel so empty inside.

Look who came!

Jan!

Right, ahem.

What was I supposed to say again?

Hit like and subscribe! Cupido beauty salon!

You walked away yesterday.

Left me here like some kind of dummy.

You weren't exactly alone, were you?

So, Jan Uuspõld is now back.

Does he really think he could just leave Britta alone yesterday?

And now he's back and thinks that nothing happened?

What do these persons want from us?

These people are my family. - What family?

They're parasites!

Tapeworms! Heads up in the anus.

Did you hear what he said?

Wait, I didn't get this... Say it again.

Hey, don't record all the time!

You know, you can wave your hands around here,

but I have over 300 thousand followers

and they all know what's going on.

Give me that!

Your new boobs!

My new boobs!

Those cost twenty grand!

Don't grope me! Go away!

This beautiful fairy tale we had...

...has now been broken!

Out!

Good morning!

You again. - Yes!

Leave grandpa alone now. He's not feeling well.

I'm feeling great.

So, what are your plans?

My plans? The usual - I've got work. Lots to do.

A film is underway.

I'm also preparing a tour and some stand-up stuff.

Little odds and ends. All over Estonia.

I'm actually started with investments.

Okay. Investments? - Yeah.

Oh, you need pocket money?

Yeah... Wouldn't hurt. A hundred. By the end of the week.

For investing.

You'll get twenty.

Difficult times. - What's so difficult for you?

You seem to have everything in order all the time.

Looks like it, sure.

But you know ― I'm my father's daughter.

I would help you but, my situation is difficult too.

Don't worry, I always have someone to lean on.

Oh, who then?

Myself, of course.

You really are tough as nails.

If I leaned on myself I'd immediately fall over.

Dad, you've actually got it in your pocket somewhere.

So take it out.

If I stick my hand in my pocket, there's nothing but debris.

See?

There's nothing here. I can't find my thing.

Sorry.

Maybe I could crash at your place tonight as well?

Tonight's not good.

Why?

I've got a Tinder date.

Listen.

See, freedom is a very good thing.

Speaking from my own experience.

You can do what you want, don't have to be responsible for anyone.

But a good permanent relationship? No freedom can replace that.

Uhuh.

Thanks for the fatherly advice!

You're welcome!

Your guitar sounds good.

Yeah, it's the same instrument Johnny Cash used to play.

Really? - Yeah.

Let me see.

That adds value to the instrument.

I'll take it.

No, you can't take that, come on!

Yes I can. - That was my wife's gift to me.

Why should I care?

I did not tell you to be in debts, did I?

Hey, give it back!

That's my working tool.

I'll earn money, then I can pay you back.

Hang on now. I've got a solution.

What is this? - The harmonica of Bob Dylan.

I confiscated it because of his debts.

He did beg me, said it brought luck.

Earn some money with that.

The guitar is coming with me.

The young gentleman must swallow his pride

and accept with gratitude what life has to offer him.

Yes, Jan? - Listen, I thought about it

and I'm accepting your offer.

What?

Thirteen... fifteen! - Hi!

Oh, hey, Jan!

The grand old man is also present, huh?

Listen, they're waiting for you. - You, Franz, are everywhere.

Nah, I'm not everywhere, I'm picky.

Quality before quantity, right?

Right? Well? Where are they? Show me, please.

Right, yeah.

No, this is crap.

This is bullshit.

You're letting the boys write jokes for you?

Yeah, yeah.

Well, no, if I perform them they'll be my jokes in the end.

To make the audience like me, I have to work all the time.

Jan Uuspõld?

Follow me.

Break a leg! - Thanks.

You've got something here.

Jan? Over here. - Thanks.

Right! Hello, Jan!

Hello!

We've got our sponsors here.

The madam from the ministry. So show us what you've got.

You want me to perform something?

I don't understand. What am I supposed to do?

Show us some of your tricks, if you please.

I don't understand what do you want from me?

What are you organizing here? - One moment.

This is your last chance to prove that you are still headline stuff

despite all that damn crap?

What am I supposed to do? I don't understand.

Tell me!

Just be your fucking self.

Or, fuck it, just crack a joke.

Crack a joke? - Yeah.

Okay, okay, fine.

Right, I think we're all good now.

Aren't we?

Jan? - Yeah. Here it comes.

I'll start by introducing myself.

My name is Jan Uuspõld.

I'm fifty.

Heheh.. - That wasn't the joke yet.

Pornhub is something I check out really often.

They do some very interesting things there.

Men and women. To each other. When they get together.

Some do it with their mouths like this.

By the way, I wanted to ask the ministry madam...

Did you know that 80 per cent of women

masturbate in the shower? - Thank you, Jan!

But did you know what the other 20 per cent do in the shower?

You don't?

Yeah, I though you are part of the 80 per cent.

Jan! - Yeah?

Hey, Jan? How did it go? - Oh, I don't know.

Listen, no worries!

You are the Homer of stand-up comedy, after all!

Well, my idea is to create a database

where we can record all kinds of words from the Votic language.

Grammar and all sorts of phrases.

So we can later revive the language.

A good idea!

I can compile the algorithms on a binary basis.

Next year I'm going to Singapore to study data analytics.

Listen, you've got very cool ideas.

You'll explore the world, Gonna make a lot of money.

But I have to go home again.

It's all over for me.

Your world is opening. Mine is closing.

Maybe not exactly closing.

Well, it is or it isn't.

Who's that?

There are all kinds of crazies in the tram all the time.

Let's move away.

Man! For too long have you been in love

with the mirror image shimmering on the water!

The way you see yourself is a far cry from

how the world looks at you.

DARKER SIDE OF THE FAMOUS ACTOR?

Scandalous violence shocks the nation.

Stay with us!

This is the BONE DRILL!

Jan Uuspõld threw Britta into the corner yesterday

and now he's back as if nothing happened.

Put that away!

You can wave your hands,

but I have over 300 thousand followers

and they all know what's going on.

Screw you and your followers!

For too long the society has tolerated this privileged

patriarchy, who can do whatever they feel like.

Jan Uuspõld is a prime example of toxic masculinity.

Middle-aged white heterosexual man. Violent.

Both mentally and physically. - Don't you grope me!

Fuck!

Damn pig!

Look!

The only solution is to cancel these individuals.

Both themselves and their so-called 'works'.

Really?

Dude, what the hell have you done?!

What do you mean I won't be playing in my own movie?

Jan, calm down. Listen. - What?

Get over here. Look.

Here's the thing. You've got the reputation of a toxic man.

Don't you start with this toxic... - Wait, listen!

I really tried. But the investors said no.

Nothing to be done. - So who's playing me?

He's young. A future star. Athletic. Innovative.

The algorithm says the people absolutely adore him.

Yeah.

So... Malmsten.

The young one?

He's in a every piece of shit, though. Why take him?

Maybe there's a reason why he's in every film?

People want to see him.

Jan? People don't like you. I don't like you either.

I don't like you! - I don't like you more!

Hey, knock it off, both of you! Anyway, it is how it is.

I'm going to veto this, damn it. See you in court!

Whoa, whoa. Let me remind you.

You signed this deal, didn't you?

Waiving all your rights.

To yourself, your name, your work. So...

I don't care about some goddamn contract.

No, let him eat it! That's a copy. So...

You know, Jan?

We spent some quality time together. It was cool.

Have a sip. - Uh, no, I can't right now.

I've got a meeting with some important people.

I've got this presentation. On investments.

Lõhmus, Haavel, Viisemann.

I'm planning a kind of... - Congrats.

Yeah. Thanks!

I feel things are going well for me!

That's great. Really great.

But I want things to go well for you too. Jan?

Can I do anything for you?

Nothing to be done anymore.

Nothing, huh? - No.

So I'm going then?

Yeah. You go on then.

Alright, bye then! - Go, go already!

Jan? - Just go, alright?

Listen, you really need to go now!

I'm going!

Lucky harmonica my ass!

Confess, bastard!

Jan Uuspõld! Your time has come!

Hey, you were supposed to pack stuff into the boxes!

I want to torment grandpa! - Not right now. Go on.

Why are you taping boxes?

Seems like we have to move.

Why?

Bank loan is horrendous and I'm not getting any new jobs.

You wanted that apartment so much though?

Remember how happy you were when you got this home?

Listen, I'd really want to help... - Quit worrying, dad!

Everything's okay. I'll manage.

Your pancake's waiting.

Our hero is trapped.

To go on or to stay behind? That is the question.

What damn question is that?

The builders have already been called.

The bills have to be paid before you get home!

Aw, don't go! The party is only getting started!

Listen, you'd better go and see a psychologist.

Uuspõld? Uuspõld, damn it, is that you?

Uuspõld, come here!

Guys, this is Uuspõld! - Hey, it's Uuspõld!

Don't you recognize me?

Oh, now it dawns on me, yeah. - Yeah, that's right!

You're still in the old business? - I'm now in the event marketing.

Hey, hop on, we'll drop you off. Where are you going?

Listen, you don't have to... I've got nowhere to go anyway.

Well, even better, even easier. Go on! Inside, let's go!

Geez, you've gotten so old! Haven't seen in twenty years.

Get on! Now!

What was your line in that film?

I don't know what you...

"I have to go to Tartu."

Awesome!

The guys have their very last free night.

Tomorrow they're off to the young men's summer academy.

I have to go as punishment.

The old man caught me for a third time.

Doing what?

Ah, nothing.

It's no punishment for me. For me, it builds character.

We're people of values, you see.

Jan? Show us your wrists!

See, guys, right?

These are the wrists that can get some ladies.

Alpha hands!

See!

My hands are hopeless.

Boiled noodles, not hands.

Jan, my head is long.

I have a long head because I have a big brain.

The feminoids doesn't like...

Give me another one!

Jan, smack me one too!

What? Hey... - Hey, come on, go!

or what... - Please!

The more you pummel facial bones the manlier your face becomes!

Go on, it makes feminoids wet!

Enough with this bullshit!

You've got the most famous Uuspõld of the universe here!

It's on!

I have the honor of living at the same time as two titans.

Guess who?

I don't know.

Ott Tänak.

And the other one?

Jan Uuspõld!

That's right! You're the only actor with balls!

Maybe I even still have balls.

But...

Something is missing.

I've been trying to please everyone for too long.

So where's the harm in that?

I'd like to find myself.

I'd like to tell people honestly about the existential abyss of a man.

That's very good.

Very good!

That manly stuff...

and in between - a bunch of fart jokes!

We're going to do a tour with you!

Everyone will show up when they see your name.

Trust me, we have to take money away from dumb people!

Resilience, resilience. - Urmas!

Oh, hi, Jan, yeah. - This is Krõll.

Listen, I'm in a real hurry right now.

Hey, I've got an awesome proposition, hear me out.

Yes, okay, but see, I have to go now.

I've got a presentation to deliver. - To whom?

Lõhmus, Haavel, Viisemann. About investing!

Listen, I've got this pan-Estonian project, you understand?

Yes, but... - My tour! You're bankrolling it.

But I have this really important presentation about resilience...

Grab him! Grab the legs! Quickly!

Jan, what are you doing?

Easy, easy, Urmas. I'm here.

Hello... Jan.

Hi, hi, now listen, here's the gist:

a summer tour. Jan Uuspõld 50.

Top comics will be there. Padar, Genka - the whole industry.

But the starting capital comes from you.

From me? No, no.

You're skimming the cream off the top!

In that sense, yeah.

The thing is that I have these finances in various fund.

They're invested.

And in that sense there is this volatile economic situation.

I can't put my eggs...

Couldn't understand a word right now.

In that sense that let me sit on this idea...

"In that sense, in that sense." You're not sitting on anything.

And no hatching eggs here.

In the entertainment world the quick eat the slow.

Yeah. I have to go now, I have enough tension as it is.

Ummi!

I feel your tension.

Done! I broke the spine.

Mine?

No! Of the inner tension.

In that sense... - In that sense we'll get started.

Time is money!

So basically the tour would take place on this big stage.

We'd go all through Estonia, but first we'd fire off 10 shows.

For testing.

Kõmsi, Mõisaküla... We'd go from there. Võru, Helsinki! Definitely.

Pan-Estonian tour. And you'd make a great MC there.

And what exactly would we be doing there together?

You'd do stand-up.

And what would you do?

Jan is the grand old man of Estonian classical humor after all.

Well, he's old indeed.

I do support the best of the best. Top athletes and classical music.

Rally and opera.

It's high time to take Estonian comedy also to the world stage.

Listen, I'd come on your show to talk about the new tour.

Put on some costumes, make a cool scene.

You'd get good content too.

Do you even know what Genka's market value is right now?

Remember, it was like 10 years ago, when I asked you consider

me as an opener for your show. You don't remember?

I don't, sorry, man.

All those 15 years I've been telling you:

"Jan, come to the open mic session.

Practice, write, let's do it together, let's go on a tour."

Where were you?

Hello? Ha, whose voice do I hear!

A good proposal. Franz Malmsten?

I am definitely backing him. Let's do it! Let's do it!

Let's do it like this: you call us and we will definitely be in touch.

Confidentially, I can say that this Malmsten is...

I know, you're a top, top dude, you've always helped us.

But we can't right now, you're so deep in shit.

I can't let you on the air in the show.

Damn it, cut it out!

You do understand how the situation is right now.

Urmas! Give me some cash!

Listen, I can pay you! - Don't! No!

Henri, do you feel like going on tour with these men?

So we won't have a sponsorship deal?

I wish you luck in finding the money!

No, actually it won't do.

My weekly schedule is tightly regulated.

In red, are my working hours. Yellow ones are like leisure time.

And green means athleticism. - Athleticism?

Yeah. I'm preparing for a triathlon.

Thriatlon can wait!

We need to book the big stages, right?

So you will cough up the tenner.

Ten euros?

Ten grand, Urmas!

Ten grand? No, for me...

Stop moaning! Think!

You'll get it back, tenfold.

Get it back? Tenfold? - Well... double.

Threefold. - Three. Two and a half.

Well... My grandma did say:

"Let the hundred go so the thousand can come."

Exactly! Your grandma was a smart man.

Very nice!

Goddamn it!

Uuspõld!

Krieger.

You're the one I needed!

Jan!

You and me, we're celebrities. - Yeah?

Get this: we must join our forces. - We are?

Yeah! We'll make a hit.

We will win! We will win! Anyway!

Finally a big stage.

"We will win! We will win!"

"Anyway!"

"We will win! We will win! Anyway!"

"The time is now. My dear friends, together today."

Who are you?

That is a teaching aid! No touching!

Uh, sorry. Hello! I am Jan Uuspõld and our show is about to start here.

No, it isn't.

What you mean, it isn't?

My intimacy training is about to start here.

But we booked the rooms.

Listen, girl, no need to be angry!

Finger... off!

Why do you even have to train intimacy?

You just stick the cudgel in, mash heartily...

Did you come here to fuck me in the ass?

Actually, no.

I have been preparing this training for two years.

And then some guys show up. Mocking, taunting...

I don't know... leering!

Maybe we can make things right?

No.

You can't make it right.

I'm calling the director.

Wait a minute...

What the hell?

Pretty cool woman, though?

Sorry about the confusion.

The manager messed up. Double booking.

There's no acoustics here though?

If you speak loud and clear it sounds decent.

But actually it has an underground feeling.

Nowhereville.

Low ceilings. Sooty walls.

Angst.

Thank you, thank you, ladies!

Give yourself a round of applause for showing up to this training!

We'd have been among the five richest nations a long time ago

if everyone had attended my training!

But now: close your eyes and let's picture perfect sex.

Did you know that foreplay can last for 72 hours?

Did you know that?

Wait just a second.

We will soon talk about foreplay!

I'm hungry!

You're keeping an eye on the kid so she won't disappear.

Me? - Yes, you! I can't do everything alone!

Right... Where were we?

I asked one woman whether she knew what foreplay was.

I asked a guy during a session: what's with the nipples, right?

And he responded: "Well, we are interested in technology too!"

And then, in another training ― now this is related to...

Sit, doggy!

A man told me an anectote...

Sit!

So the guy is twisting those nipples again and...

You didn't understand me?

Sit, doggy!

How are you doing here?

Why are you holding a belt?

We were playing.

Playing what?

A dog and its master.

Man, you need to get help!

Sorry, I...

Let's give ourselves another big round of applause, ladies!

What was that?

You farted?

That's right!

In fartology this is called 'the fart with rising harmony'!

But now:

'The polyphonic fart'!

Right? Farts are like your kids, you must love them.

Stranger's farts or stranger's kids, now those drive you crazy!

Yeah, I've been admonished that lately

I'm circling around just one hole.

I should probably circle around another.

Perhaps I should rush off to another orbit anyway.

Maybe I've been drawn too close to this black hole.

All of the mental, all of the vital energy, everything ―

sucked into cosmic darkness with unavoidable force.

What's left of you then?

Depression.

Boring!

Emptiness. - Pathetic!

Powerlessness. Loneliness.

Drinking vodka in your dark corner.

Hello?

Life is so pointless you start thinking

that even suicide has no meaning.

Hey, tell jokes! Tell actual jokes!

And so we reach the primal philosophical question:

existing for what?

For what?

Tell actual jokes!

Maybe to make fart jokes!

Yeah! - Yeah!

To shit and to pee?

Alright. You want fart jokes? - Yeah!

Your dear auntie should start her own sex therapy training.

But why don't you...

Whoa, whoa, whoa!

Mama was hurt just now! - Forgive me.

Were you hurt? - Nah, he just pissed me off!

Hey, dude, end of the line! Now!

End of what line? - Whoa!

Settle down now. - Guy's face is itching for a fist.

What? - Don't you realize how I hard I can hit.

Hey, calm down, I'm just ordering a beer.

Wait, stay still for a moment.

Listen, your face is really familiar. - Yeah.

Tell me, how do I know you? - How should I know?

How do I know you? - Wait, hey, are you that Uuspõld?

Who? - Wait, hey, whoa!

You're that Uuspõld, huh?

I do react to that name.

Fuck! Uuspõld!

I almost mashed you into jelly. Be careful!

Uuspõld! Uuspõld, fuck!

You know what? Wait, you had that joke.

Oh yeah!

I don't have any... - Tell that joke!

Then we're all settled. - What joke?

That joke that you have.

I have many jokes. - Well?

When people tell you to make jokes, you make jokes!

Can't you hear what you were told?

Fuck, I'm not just saying this!

Whoa, whoa, Kertu, take it easy!

I am completely calm, I'm merely talking!

Uuspõld is the king though!

Listen, you don't have to worry.

Because my daughter is the Queen of our town.

Oh.

A pleasure to meet you!

Alright then. A joke!

Uuspõld himself can't take a joke. What a guy.

Sorry.

I really have to be on my way.

Stop.

You were told that you're coming along.

So you're coming along.

Along? I've got my stuff to do!

Yeah, yeah, off we go!

Let's pack it up. - I could come along for moment.

For a moment, sure! I never take too long.

This way!

So where's the party?

Our party is...

in the pants!

You know what our hobby is?

I don't.

Charming the snake.

Charming the snake?

FOLK CALENDAR

You will now roll the cobra out.

We'll charm it!

I think I'm going now. - Easy!

Stay!

Take a sip!

Relax!

Listen!

I am not going to drink... - Easy!

Hands up!

What's going on here?

You decided to throw a party without me?

No way. No way!

Wait, are you some kind of celebrity too?

Oh, cruel fate!

What do you have in store for our long-suffering hero?

If you believe the worst, you will never be disappointed!

Damn Krõll! You said the whole of Estonia would be there

but what did we have?

Thirty bums in some shithole.

Come on! That was just the start!

The next show will be fire!

My word on it! - I've heard that before.

And we've got a hit! "You are my friend!"

"We're more than words."

"You are my friend!" - "Friend!"

That was awesome, huh? Guys, that was a good jam!

Listen, guys, I have to confess something to you.

I've never had a real friend.

Well, I did have one, but he was imaginary.

He's no longer with us.

But jamming with you like this...

I feel like we are a fellowship.

Let's bump our fists and swear to be eternally faithful!

Eternally faithful! Jan! - Jan!

Eternally faithful! - You can entertain those thoughts

but do you really have to act on them?

Hey, eternally faithful! - Get up!

And remember: faithful till eternity.

Sure.

You are my... friend.

"Time sees us both, it does!"

Can you please stop singing all the time?

"For time knows all!" - I want peace and quiet.

"Time keeps friendships alive! Time sees us both, it does..."

"It does! It does!"

Jan! Why the long face?

Let's see if there are any mermaids here.

I don't swim.

Well I'm going in.

Ponytail off!

This is wonderful! Come on!

I told you, I don't swim.

Look at how long I can hold breath underwater.

Krieger?

Krieger!

Krõll!

Damn it!

What is it?

Krieger went underwater and didn't come out again.

Yeah, I can't see him.

Damn, we should get the hell out of here.

Maybe we should inform someone?

No! We've got enough problems.

You know, I really can't be connected to this kind of thing.

You are already connected! You're an accomplice.

No, I'm not! - Urmas!

You can't be so selfish. We've got a tour to finish.

Yeah, but we have no Krieger.

He has already been advertised, we can't somehow...

Come on, guys, this is not a... - Arm into the sleeve!

This is not a good idea. - The other arm!

My reputation... - Your reputation only improves!

Other arm into the sleeve now.

And the song is prerecorded, see!

You just move your lips. No worries.

Everything will go great.

Exactly! Only you'll move your lips on stage, not now.

You are my friend!

We're more than words!

Our word contains truth.

Yo, yo, what the fuck!

We did it!

Got such an adrenaline hit, I'd like to kick something!

You know, I'll check if anyone has commented anything on us.

I'd like to go back on stage too. - What?

Yeah, I found some pretty good gags in Krieger's notebook,

I'd crack a few nice jokes for the crowd.

Cut it out! Everyone keeps to their own thing, alright?

There is something! Check it out!

A video. They're saying something.

Look!

Jan Uuspõld is making a comeback

but the materials that have leaked from the tour

lead to only one conclusion.

A promising talent has left us

and instead we've got a grotesque parody of himself.

Jan Uuspõld! - Yeah.

At this age a man should have discovered himself already.

Everything circles around one hole.

This so-called humor

is gross, low, sexist, blind by privilege.

Jan Uuspõld, the Estonian people have only one request for you:

don't make any jokes!

You know what?

It is written that any kind of advertising is good.

Even bad advertising. So...

Thanks. Thank you, Urmas!

Jan Uuspõld! Where are you? We await you on stage!

Are there any lions among us, men?

Yeah.

We've all seen these ads for the training sessions, right?

This big-maned lion roaring:

"Find your inner power!"

But you know what the lion is actually roaring?

Do humor!

He's calling his mommy. - That's not funny anymore!

The male lion is there to do only one thing to the females.

We all know well what that is. - Not funny!

Retire already!

Do humor, dummy!

What do you want then? Fart jokes?

You want to know why women are like Formula1 races?

If you want to score you have to stick close to the ass!

Right, yeah!

Krõll, stop it! - I'm getting the crowd started,...

It's my stage! - Calm down!

Why is it that middle-aged men always replace

their women with younger ones?

It's because the oil in the engine has to be fresh!

Give me that, it's my set!

One thing surprises me:

I've performed for the President in the palace's Rose Garden.

Whoa!

I've performed at big stadiums with Genka!

Woo, Genka!

I have a million views on YouTube!

And now I'm at country fair of the local village idiots,

on stage with two imbeciles!

What does that mean? - What does 'imbecil' mean?

Yeah? - An idiot. A cretin.

A knucklehead. A dunce. An ignoramus.

Pick any you like.

That wasn't funny anymore.

Dear Creator, please make it so that I am no longer here.

But I'm not an imbecile, am I?

You? No.

No, Urmas, you are not an imbecile.

Don't worry.

You are a hopeless loser!

Mom, Jan said I'm an imbecile!

Yeah, that's what he said!

Yeah! He's the one who's stupid!

Put them away!

BELLY-DANCING TENT

We could establish an agency together

and you could be our main performer - Knock, knock!

Well, what's the situation?

The situation is that we've got good news and bad news.

Well?

Virumaa's Fiery Ass Festival ordered the party bus.

We'll drive there and get the party started.

May I introduce ― this is Klarissa. Klarissa is our headline act.

And Krõll provides the tunes.

Wait, what? How much do they pay us at this Ass Fest then?

That's the bad news.

The Fiery Ass Fest is a politically correct event.

They don't want you.

Wait, wait.

You planned to leave without me?

Urmas? Krõll?

Forgive me, I lost my shit back then, you understand?

I didn't mean what I said, really!

Listen, we're a band, right! - Yep.

You know, Jan?

I've been thinking about this.

You and me, we've come a long way.

We've had some great times and some not-so-great times,

but we have somehow...

grown apart.

I guess it's time to move on.

Separately.

I see.

Traitors! - Jan!

Forgive me!

It's nothing personal.

Just... business.

How are things progressing?

We agreed that the bank account remains in the same state as before.

That's totally in tip-top shape actually.

The first wagons of the money train will set off today, maybe tomorrow.

So, that means...

Wait, but you are coming home like we discussed?

Yeah, I'm already on my way!

Alright then. See you soon!

Again solitude is the sole companion of our hero.

He's defenseless.

Penniless.

Wandered off from the home path.

Who even needs him?

Where is his place in the world?

Mister Uuspõld!

Are you lost?

Yes. Well, not quite.

Hop on.

We'll point you in the right direction.

Wait, what direction?

Our apprentices gave us an overview of your performance.

You suit our goals.

What goals? - You're about to see.

Welcome Mister Uuspõld!

This place has a kind of...

Neo-Gothic atmosphere.

This game was played in 1874 by Count Berg himself.

The whites begin and win.

Let us move on.

All young men who stay here are connected through one thing:

they are all victims of anti-men abuse.

Here in this academy we help to re-empower the young men.

How do we win back the positions lost in the gender war?

Being a man starts with a made-up bed.

Mister Õun? - Yes, mister Grand Commander?

The edges are not symmetrical.

MEN'S SUMMER ACADEMY

What do we say?

Thank you, Grand Commander, for a valuable lesson!

Thank you, mister Õun, for accepting the lesson.

Jan, you do understand that our existence is in jeopardy?

Something must be done.

I wish you all the best!

Thank you for the wishes!

Mister Uuspõld.

Mister Uuspõld!

What can I do?

You know how to find the path to a simple man's heart.

We have seen the privileged matriarchy victimize you.

You will be our spokesperson.

Me?

Spokesperson?

For starters, you might make a little performance.

What kind?

Witty.

We have complete freedom of speech here.

Oh. Must give it some thought. We'll see.

We have channels to reach our brothers in gender.

And we also have solid material resources.

Let's begin the show!

We got a call from a young man who is in terrible depression.

All the women he proposed to have turned him down!

What is happening in the Republic of Estonia, really?

I mean, women are just whoring themselves out to everyone.

Exactly right, you are right!

They don't even plan to enter the holy matrimony, right?

Very true! We should implement stricter measures

to put a stop to this perversion.

We should actually make a new law:

every man will be designated his specific wife by the state.

And if she resists, she will be married off by force!

Oh, exactly, you're right!

What the Estonian women are inflicting on their nation

is something I would call...

genocide!

It is genocide!

For genocide we should implement the highest degree of punishment:

life in prison.

Yes, exactly right. I would go even further than that.

I call for the death penalty to all Estonian women.

Enough!

You have besmirched our honor.

I challenge you to a duel!

What duel? Sorry, not interested.

Coward! - Slavish scum!

Hey, you said there was freedom of speech?

You know, self-irony? It's liberating, isn't it?

That's not self-irony.

That is perversion!

Perversion! Perversion! Perversion!

You are cancelled!

Cancelled! Cancelled! Cancelled!

Dylans' harmonica!

Like Bishop Põder says:

"I am a train on my way, the rails are set by stranger's hands."

What seems random is actually predetermined.

Lennon?

Lennon?

Are you Lennon?

The same!

Are you lost as well?

A bit.

Well, what's wrong?

I am homeless.

Homeless? - Yeah.

Well, currently I'm just unemployed but homeless is around the corner.

First you lose all sense of purpose, then you get depression.

You start drinking and then you lose your home.

End up on the street.

Soon I'll be in a tram,

holding a bag of empty bottles. And dried shit in my pants!

I'm Jan Uuspõld!

I'm an artist!

When you were a kid, who did you want to become?

An astronaut, I guess.

A race car driver.

And who did you become?

A comedian. - A funny guy!

And who do you now want to become?

I don't know.

I'd just like to go home.

You know what?

You're a thief!

A thief?

A thief who breaks into a completely empty room.

Where there's nothing to steal. - Okay.

And if there's nothing to steal, there's nothing to desire.

And if there's nothing to desire, there is nothing to fear.

Not guilty, not innocent either.

Only empty walls.

Lennon?

Lennon? Hey? - Huh?

So what am I supposed to do?

I don't know what you're supposed to do,

you have to ask from the Creator.

He's got his plan for you.

What plan?

You know that yourself.

KERTU'S PLUMBING

Hey!

The hell you're sleeping here?

Fucking idiot.

Hey! You need to conduct a funeral service, right?

Get a move on!

He was supposed to take the bus but the bus didn't come.

Well, the beloved fucking artist, huh?

Fancy seeing you here. Alright then. - Hi!

Right! Up and at 'em!

Come on, beloved artist! I'm dropping you off.

Where?

Where, where. At a place. Alright, come on.

Everything's fine. Hop-hop-hop. - I want to sleep!

Listen, Jan, I've been thinking here.

I'm single at the moment, right?

You should become my husband.

What? - You heard me!

I've got an assload of space in the house.

I do all the practical stuff, right.

You would just blooming around. A decent offer, huh?

That Lennon, though... isn't he your boyfriend?

Fuck, I like love him, but...

See, I need a man too, right? Get it?

Honestly? No.

Fuck ― and that's Uuspõld we're talking about.

Let's get the party started in bed!

Now you're getting it, right?

Well, yeah. Let's give it a thought.

Yeah-yeah, let's think about it.

Uuspõld, look! Vanemuine Theater!

Well, what the fuck?

You can't come here!

Fuck you, conehead, you're not telling me where I can go!

This is a film set.

What film set?

Right?

Damn it, this is exactly what is needed!

Exactly what is needed.

Folksy, simple. See, all the arcs run smoothly.

Exactly. Damn!

We no longer need screenwriters! We've got the AI!

If we can do it like this... Hi! - Hi.

Damn, and then if we can...

Hello.

What are you looking at? I came to work.

Right, so where do we start today?

What are you doing here?

I showed up for work, didn't I?

Is this the film "Jan Uuspõld Goes to Tartu?"

I am Jan Uuspõld, despite everything.

People claim I'm the main character.

Whoa, whoa! Wait, you're serious?

Let's get started!

Okay.

Damn, I just got an idea! Yeah, no, this is great!

Right, set the AI up. Send old Jan to make-up.

We'll talk later. Yeah! Go, go!

"Old Jan"...

Wait, am I still on the role or...? - Yeah, no worries!

Go and get some input from him.

Imitate! Or use as a prototype!

It's all the same!

Right. A park bench. The beginning.

Jan comes and sits down. And he sees in the distance...

An older man approaching.

A father figure. Damn it, it is his father!

But I'm telling you, this life here in our earthly realm

is like a roller coaster.

At times you're up, then you're down.

But the main thing? Do not let them break you.

Dad, you are so wise. - Well.

Son, my shoulder will always be there for you to lean on.

But let's skip the sentiment!

I've made you your favorite food!

Spaghetti with cheese sauce? - Spaghetti with cheese sauce!

Dad, you always know how to lift my mood!

Oh, I remember when you were young.

It was all like "Where's spaghetti with cheese sauce?"

"Where's the spaghetti?"

I said: "What about demolition derby?"

"No, I want spaghetti with cheese..."

What the hell? The fuck is this shit? - Stop, stop, stop!

What text is this? - It's not working, is it?

Of course it's not! You're not putting your soul into it.

That's the problem.

What soul? - The text is nice, the text is good.

My dad didn't talk such cheesy way. - That was written by the AI.

It has analyzed thousands of texts.

This is what works!

Listen, this AI knows nothing.

What do you think, Franz?

I don't know, I mean... - You don't know?

You don't have to be afraid, say it out loud.

Nah, it is kind of cheesy. - See!

Well, that depends on what kind of genre we're doing.

If it's a melodrama, I can understand it.

This is a comedy though, isn't it?

Okay!

Great!

Yeah, no, okay! Let's do your version!

Okay, let's do mine.

Yeah, yours. Yes.

Hi, dad! - How are things?

Well, I don't know.

I guess life has become so absurd, I just...

I don't know how to break through.

Absurdity is very difficult.

There are only two ways out.

You start drinking or you hang yourself.

But actually there's the third option too.

You kind of get to know the absurdity,

get used to it and start to enjoy it.

And then completely new perspectives open up.

But then again, what do I know? I'm no wise old man.

I'm an old fool, but...

So we're up for a drink?

Yeah, let's grab a few shots.

Oh, yeah! And cut.

Very... uhuh.

Yeah, yeah.

Well, I don't know, it seemed more authentic.

If it was more authentic, then... Can I make a suggestion?

Perhaps the script could be written by someone

who knows the material?

Not some algorithm.

Who then? - Yeah?

Well, I don't know, I'd perhaps recommend myself.

The guy thinks he knows himself, huh?

I'd certainly give the old school a chance.

In the sense that I don't know how much time you've got left.

What?

I don't mean that in the bad sense, I mean in the good sense.

Oh.

Today finished principal shooting of the

feature film "Jan Uuspõld Goes to Tartu".

And for this reason we must ask the film's co-writer

and main character's prototype Jan Uuspõld...

Don't be scared, it's just an interview!

No, I'm not scared of anything.

Where are you off to now?

Well, where else? Taking the grocery route home.

Have you finally found yourself then? - Well...

Jan, we know perfectly well that your life has many loose ends

you've been avoiding all the time.

But people are waiting for answers.

Or are you not interested in what the people think?

How so? I care about people. I...

Honestly!

Suddenly our hero understands he is not alone in this world.

He would like to make up for his seed of darkness

and his addiction-fueled vanity.

This way, this way! A little lower!

More sensuality!

But forgiveness has many facets.

Very good! Let's do more. Ah, very good!

Britta!

Britta, I came to tell you that...

I am not listening to a single word from your mouth!

Stand still!

Wow, super sexy!

Put your hand on your hip! Very good!

‘Ive heard so many empty promises from your mouth.

Well, yeah, but... - What "yeah, but"?

You threw me into the corner, didn't you?

You used me.

If you thought I stood still and cried for you,

you're mistaken.

I've got a new lover. - You do?

Much better than you. Much more caring.

More experienced.

So what is he offering you then?

Support!

Look at this.

What's this then? - A ring.

A diamond with dolphins. An engagement ring.

Amazing.

Sixty grand! - Awesome!

Awesome whales.

Here he comes! - Hi!

Oleg! - Hey-hey, honey!

My prince.

Is he wearing my jacket?

You're the one who left your stuff lying around.

This guy just steals my jacket?

Fuck, damn!

It's me! You're biggest fan ever!

Hello, Jan! - Thanks.

Don't you like me? - No, I do.

Alright, calm down. Calm down. - Every word has its moment.

Once that moment has passed,

words dissolve on the lips like tears in the rain.

Jan!

Thanks!

You wanted to say something earlier?

Yeah, I did.

You're up there. I'm down here.

We will never be truly together.

It's like everyone is tearing us into different directions.

You and me.

But...

You left a beautiful feeling inside me.

Forever.

You left it inside me too.

Even though you're a complete prick!

Nothing is the real end.

Paths fade into grass.

And bridges crumble.

But somewhere might be a door that is ajar just for you.

Take it back.

You don't want this valuable instrument?

I don't.

Well, hello! It's me.

Not you.

I am though! See? Your eyes.

Yeah, they are.

Oh! Kristjan.

From the Reform Party.

Oh! Jan. A voter.

Listen, I'll be off. Bye! - Yeah, see you.

Ciao!

A new permanent relationship, huh?

The usual Tinder guy.

In that case... I almost forgot.

Please accept this.

What is this?

Please accept this as a kind of investment from me.

You've got a beautiful home, you don't have to lose it.

And I can profit from this too.

When I'm thrown out of my own home again,

I've got a couch to crash on.

Win-win!

Thus the young gentleman has reached the final stretch of his odyssey.

But our hero must still face the ultimate test.

Suddenly he feels bouts of heat and cold penetrating him.

And his feet start taking him in one direction.

The young gentleman looks around ―

it's not that something is wrong, but still...

There is a door.

It pulls the young gentleman closer.

And what does he see?

There sits a man.

Slightly overweight.

With gray hair and a gray beard.

Reading something into the microphone.

His interest in this is great indeed.

Sorry, what is this?

Jan? I don't understand ― why did you come here?

Who? Me?

What are you reading about me here?

Oh, that's just an odd job.

Hey, Koit! You're recording, right? Let's continue.

Who are you anyway? - I'm Indrek. Creator.

Creator?! - Yeah.

"The young gentleman does not yet know

that misery and woe will break his suffering spine..."

What bullshit is this? - Hey, I don't write these.

They're sent from above. - From above?

Yeah.

What have I done to deserve this kind of shit

piled onto me all the time?

I have nothing against you.

Then maybe you can read something normal happening to me?

I would do that, but you've got to understand:

the client has confirmed this text and all this bullshit, right...

Fuck, the agency is on my back. - What agency?

Well, they pay me nicely... How should I know what agency?

I'll see what I can do.

But I can't promise anything.

Thanks! - Okay.

Oh, Jan! Hey...

You're not going drinking, are you?

What? No, no, I... I'll take the grocery route home.

Home?

Unbelievable! The bar code is in the wrong spot.

Should be here!

Sir, please! This way! - Me?

Come on!

Hi! - Hi!

The wind is turning!

If you have found the right way up, then all gates will open

...and hearts.

Goodbye, young man!

Perhaps we will meet again someday.

Hey, thanks for picking me up. - Where are you going anyway?

I want to go home. - Go home?

Pretty much right now. - Why go home?

You're an actor, damn it.

Find the excuses. Let's get this party started!

Well, I did promise to go home, but wait.

Give me a minute. I'll dwell on this.

Think about what? You live in that piece of condo.

You've got a nagging wife there, unpaid bills...

Hi! - Hi!

What's with the knocking? Get in, it's your home!

Yeah, sorry.

Wait, wait! Shoes off, I just washed the floor.

Oh, sorry.

Did you go to the store? - I did.

Did you bring white chocolate?

White chocolate? Was there a shopping list?

You can't think for yourself? - Of course I can.

I mean... Maybe I can't.

I brought chickpeas

Alright, but close the door. It's drafty.

Damn it, where is everyone? I just broke the record!

Jan? Urmas? Krõll?

Hello. - Hey, Arvo.

The invoice... It's still unpaid.

Wait, you seriously come here with this right now?

Damn it! You know, I've told you my money has been

frozen in Moscow since the start of the war!

What am I going to do,

where am I going to get money right now?

This is why I'm busting my balls to get all the bills paid!

I have one family here,

another in Moscow, a third one in... Fuck!

Fuck this, I've had enough! Shit!

Damn it, don't take this personally. Sorry.

Hello?