Original subtitles

- Oliver.

Would you like to play Monopoly?

- No, no thanks.

- Is it all right if I play alone?

- I'd prefer it.

Lisa will ya throw the dice?

- I thought you were reading.

- I'm trying to.

- Big eight.

- Good.

- One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight.

- Ah, Lisa do ya...

- I landed on Park Place.

Is that a good neighborhood?

- I don't know.

- Do you think I ought to buy it?

- Yes, buy it.

- They want $350 for it.

Do you have change for a 500-dollar bill?

You didn't like the article?

- I would have if I could've finished it.

- What was it about?

- Organic farming.

- What's that?

- It's a method of growing things.

You see, instead of using artificial fertilizers

and insecticides you use natural...

- You don't have change for $500?

- No.

- That article sounds pretty dull.

No wonder you threw it away.

- I happen to be interested in it.

In fact, I've been thinking of going to state college

and taking a course in it.

It'll only be a couple of nights a week.

- And what am I supposed to do while you're doing that?

- It wouldn't be a bad idea if you came to school with me.

Took a course yourself.

- In what?

- I don't know.

They have a lot of courses, I'm sure you'll

find something you like.

- Well, it might be nice to be college kids together.

- Fine.

- Where do you think you're going?

- To bed.

- Well, it's all right with me,

but I don't think the dean allows boys

into the girls' room after 10 o'clock.

♪ Green Acres is the place to be

♪ Farm living is the life for me

♪ Land spreadin' out so far and wide

♪ Keep Manhattan just give me that countryside

♪ New York is where I'd rather stay

♪ I get allergic smelling hay

♪ I just adore a penthouse view

♪ Darlin' I love you but give me Park Avenue

♪ The chores ♪ The stores ♪ Fresh air

♪ Times Square ♪ You are my wife

♪ Goodbye city life

♪ Green Acres we are there ♪

- Oh, how do you do?

- Oh, how do you do?

May I help you?

- Yes...

- We'd like to go to college together.

- Well, that's very nice.

- We are married, is that all right?

- Oh, yes this is a co-educational school.

- What does that mean?

- That men and women attend together.

- Attend to what together?

- What course are you interested in?

- Well, he wants organics, but I don't think I like that.

- Organic farming.

- Oh yes, we have a course in that,

but I believe it's filled.

- Filled with what?

- Lisa.

- Why don't you check with the instructor,

he's right down the hall in room 221.

- One more room and would've had his own television show.

- Lisa, why don't you pick out a course for yourself.

I'll see you later.

- Now, what course are you interested in?

- What have you got?

- Oh, we have a long list to choose from.

- May I see the menu?

- Don't you mean the curriculum?

- What's a curricumum?

- Here's the menu.

- Thank you.

Accounting, agriculture.

What is this one?

Archieology.

- Archeology.

The H is silent.

- Then, what did they put it in for?

- Would you be interested in a language?

- What language?

- How about English, for a starter?

- I'd rather take something I don't know.

- May I suggest something simple like pottery?

- That might be fun.

- Good.

Now, if you'll please fill out this registration form.

- Well, how did you do?

- I'm in pottery.

- Oh, good.

- How did you make out?

- They were able to take me in the class.

I go every Tuesday and Thursday.

- That's a coincidental.

I'm going on Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays.

- Look, the idea was that we would go together.

- Why don't you change your organics to Tuesdays

and Thursdays?

- Well, they can't change my...

Hey look, you change your course, huh?

- Very well.

Hello there.

- Any problem?

- Just one.

You know the pottery on Monday, Wednesday and Friday?

- Yes.

- Make it Tuesday and Thursday.

- I'm sorry we don't have a pottery class

on Tuesday and Thursday.

- Then why did you suggest I take it?

- Well, I thought...

- Just pick out another course, huh.

- Just when I was doing so good in pottery.

What have you got on Tuesdays and Thursdays?

- We have several courses.

- May I see the menu again?

Is this one a Tuesday and Thursday?

- Well, yes but... - I'll take it.

- Psychology.

Of all the subjects to pick.

- What's wrong with it?

- It happens to be very difficult.

- Well, it may be for you, but it's not for me.

- Oh?

- I was one of the few girls in Hungary

who understood Einstein's theory.

- Mm-hm, and what was Einstein's theory?

- Well, Einstein figured that if he could get a girl

alone with a bottle of wine...

- What Einstein are you talking about?

- Boris Einstein, the Wolf of Budapest.

- Lisa...

- Well, I see you college kids are home.

How was class?

- Oh class didn't start yet.

- No, we just registrared.

- Did you get your course in organic farming?

- Yes.

- Good.

Now, you'll have a new method of ruining your farm.

- Eb...

- What are you taking Mrs. Douglas?

- Psychology.

- What's psychology?

- Tuesdays and Thursdays.

- It's the study of how the human mind works.

- Golly, I'd be fascinated to know how mine works.

- I don't think it does.

- Boy, one day in college and you're puttin'

down the little people.

- Look Eb...

- Well, I'll tell you something,

it's us working class that makes it possible

for you idle rich to go to college.

- Idle rich?

- We sweat and toil to pay the taxes to send

you to college, and what do you do

eat goldfish and have panty raids.

- What's a panty raids?

- Never mind, never mind.

How about trying a little work in the corn field?

- I have and I don't like it.

- The corn field!

- Yes, sir.

- Oliver.

- Yes.

- I'm glad I took up psychology.

- Why?

- I'll be able to find out why

you're always yelling at people.

- And that, roughly, is what we'll cover this term.

Any questions?

- I have one.

- Yes.

- Has anybody seen my lipstick?

- Do you mind... - Oh, I found it.

You can go ahead now.

- Thank you.

Well, to start with let me explain the term psychology.

I'm sure you're all familiar with this word.

- I'm not.

What's pusheeshee?

- It's pronounced Psyche.

The P is silent.

- Oh, like the H in archieology?

- Archie yes, yes, yes.

Well, as I was saying about the word pusheeshee.

Psyche.

It's from the Greek meaning the soul or the human spirit.

Therefore, in a broad sense, psychology is the study

of the inner self.

We'll be going into this more specifically,

studying many theories, such as Freud's,

that all our drives are sex-oriented.

- I didn't know this class was going to be about

Oriental sex.

- Look, Miss... - It's Missus.

I'm here with my husband.

He's down the hall in organics.

- May I ask what made you pick psychology?

- Well, I was in pottery,

but that was Monday, Wednesday, and Friday,

and I needed a Tuesday and Thursday,

so here I am.

- Yes, yes, you are.

Well, let's get started I'd advise you all to take notes.

Do you all have pencils?

- Is it okay to use a ballpoint pen?

- Yes, yes.

- I haven't got one.

Could I use yours?

How do you like the organics so far?

- Fascinating.

- When are you going to start doing it?

- Well, I've only had one lesson.

It's a very involved subject.

- You want me to help you with your homework?

- No thanks.

- Do you mind if I study my psychology with you?

- No, as long as you do it quietly.

- Yes, sir.

- What's all that?

- My psychology books.

- Why did you buy so many?

- The professor said that we need all these

for the six years course.

- Six years?

You'll be lucky if you last...

Just read, huh.

- Yes, sir.

Basic psychology chapter one.

Psychology is the study of the human mind, and how...

- Lisa, please read to yourself.

- Yes, sir.

Well, I finished this one.

- You finished it?

- How could you?

I'm only on chapter three.

- Oh, you're one of the slow readers.

- No, I'm not a... - I'm a fast reader.

I have a retarded mind.

- Retentive.

No, I guess you're right in the first place.

- Now, for number two.

Advanced psychology.

- Advanced psycho...

Oh, fine.

- Bed spring.

- What?

- Bed spring.

- Bed spring.

- Wrong.

- What are you talking about?

- Well, this is a chapter on free association.

That's where I say one word,

and you're supposed to answer with another word.

- Yes, I know what that means.

- Then, how come you didn't know the answer to bed spring?

- I guess I'm not too bright.

- I'll give you one more chance.

- I don't want one more chance.

- It's all right with me if you want to be

a middle-class dummy the rest of your life.

- Would you mind helping me?

- I'm not in any mood to work.

Darlene and I had a fight and she's not talkin' to me.

- Smart girl.

Now, get to work.

- Okay.

Before I start, what are we doing?

- I'm gonna try a little organic farming.

The textbook, here, shows you how to conduct

a field experiment.

After turning over the earth...

- You're only on chapter seven?

- That's right.

- Mrs. Douglas has finished her fifth psychology book.

- Yes, I know.

- Well, I guess we have one honor student

and one middle-class dummy in the family.

- Just turn the earth over, will you?

- Yes, sir.

- Hello dear.

What are you doing?

- We're having a field experiment.

- What's that?

- Well, that's where he reads and I do all the work.

- I'm trying a little organic farming.

- Oh?

You're still on chapter seven?

- Lisa, would you...

- Could you do me a favor?

- What?

- Would you drive me into the college,

I need some more psychology books.

- Oh Lisa, you don't need anymore.

- I'll drive you in.

Then, I can stop by Darlene's and try to patch things up.

- Oh?

You're having trouble with Darlene?

What's your problem?

- I think she got mad because I took my frog

to the football game with me, and I didn't take her.

- I can see where that would...

- Please, this is a problem for a trained mind.

- Oh, why don't you give him the bed spring test.

- Bed spring?

- Mattress.

- You see, there is nothing wrong with me.

Now, back to your problem with Darlene.

You see, you have to understand the way

the female mind works.

Now, the female mind...

- Lisa, you've had three lessons in psychology

you're not qualified.

- Please, we're in consolation.

- I believe the word is consultation.

- How many psychology books have you read?

- None.

- Let's get on with the consolation.

- Now, back to your problem with Darlene.

She probably didn't want to go to the football

game with you in the first place,

until you mentioned that you were going to take your frog.

Which was a blow to her ego.

Now, if you had asked her first to go,

she would've said go ahead take the frog,

and you would've been good friends forever.

- Golly.

You sure learn psychology fast.

I wish I had a retarded mind like you.

- With a little effort, you can.

- Mr. Kimball.

- Oh, you're home.

Mr. Douglas!

- Mr. Kimball.

- Oh, you're in there.

Mr. Douglas?

- Mr. Kimball.

- Just a minute, I'm looking for Mr.

Oh, there you are.

- Yes, what can I do for you?

- What can I do for ya?

Gee, I don't know.

What's your problem?

- Well, I don't have a problem.

Oh, I didn't have one till you showed up.

- Well, I have a problem.

I thought you might be able to help me since

you're taking psychology.

- Oh no, my wife is taking psychology.

- Oh, you're both taking it, huh?

Oh that's a good idea.

That way you can find out what's wrong with each other, huh?

- Mr. Kimball, I...

- Shall we start the analysis?

I suppose you want me to lie down on the couch, huh?

- No, I...

- So, you don't have a couch, huh?

Well, I guess this'll do.

- Mr. Kimball, c'mon get off of there.

- What's the matter, isn't a bed official?

- Mr. Kimball may I explain something to you?

- How can you explain something when you don't

even know what my problem is?

- All right, what's your problem?

- Well, I have this mental block.

Well, it's not a block.

I mean, you don't build things with it.

It's more of a...

No, it's not that either.

It's a...

Well, I keep thinking of this horrible...

- This horrible what?

- Well, how do you like that.

It's gone.

Boy, you're amazing.

One treatment and you cured me.

- I didn't...

- You got a great future as a psychologist.

- No, Mr. Kimball I am not a psychologist.

It's my wife who's taking psychology.

- Well, you be sure to thank her.

She saved my life.

- Where's Mrs. Douglas, I wanna thank her.

- For what?

- She saved my romance.

Thanks to her advice, Darlene and I are back together again.

Boy, she's a great psychoanalyst.

- She's not a psychoanalyst.

- Then, what is she?

- I've often wondered the same thing.

Hi.

- Oh hello there.

How's the new farming coming?

- Oh fine, fine.

- I'm studying for class tonight.

- I thought you'd read all those books.

- These are new ones.

They're on abnormal psychology.

- You're not ready for anything like that.

You don't even know basic psychology.

- Then, how come I saved Eb's romance?

- Oh, you didn't.

- And what about Mr. Kimball,

I solved his problem.

- You didn't solve it.

- He doesn't see that horrible thing anymore, does he?

- You had nothing to...

Look, this is getting ridiculous.

First, you got people believing you're a psychologist,

and then, a psychoanalyst.

The next thing you know, somebody will

be calling you a psychiatrist.

Oh, Mr. Ziffel.

- Is the doctor home?

- The doctor?

- Oh, there you are, doctor.

- Oh, hello there, Mr. Ziffel.

Hello Arnold.

- I come over to see you about a problem, doctor.

- Oh, I'll be glad to help you.

What's wrong?

- Well, you see, doctor...

- Will you stop calling her doctor.

- Well, what else would you call psychiatrist?

- She is not a psychiatrist.

- Well, she saved Eb's romance, didn't she?

Oh, that was...

- Arnold says she saved Hank Kimball's life, too.

- She didn't save his life.

- Oh, don't pay no attention to him, Arnold.

He just sore because he ain't doin' too good

with his own studies.

- I'm doing fine.

- Oh yeah?

Well, how come you're still on chapter seven?

- What is your problem, Mr. Ziffel?

- Well, doctor, it really ain't my problem.

It's Arnold's.

He's been very depressed lately.

- What's the trouble, Arnold?

Lie down on the couch.

Get off of the couch.

- Oliver, don't interfere.

All right, Arnold, start from the beginning.

And then what?

- Howdy, Mr. Douglas!

- Hi, Mr. Haney.

- And how is the organical farming coming?

- Oh, fine, fine.

- Well, still on chapter seven, huh?

- Oh, yeah, yeah, chapter seven.

- Well, I wouldn't worry about it.

What if you do flunk out?

- I'm not...

- It'll just be one more failure on your

already impressive list of failures.

- Look, I don't...

- Fortunately, you can afford to be a loser

now that your wife is a successful psychiatrist.

- She's not a psychiatrist.

- Then how come Arnold's paying her $25 an hour?

- Look, Mr. Haney you're wasting my time.

- Oh, then I'll be on my way,

soon as you give me the $200.

- $200?

- Cash is acceptable.

- For what?

- I'll show ya.

- No, no, no, no, not on the organical, organic

C'mon follow me.

All right, what is it this time?

- Ain't she a beauty?

Your wife has good taste.

- My wife ordered this?

- Every psychiatrist needs a prefessional couch.

- She is not a...

- You'll notice it's covered with genuine unborn

armadilla hide.

- Unborn amra...

- And stuffed with stay-press flamingo feathers.

- Now, if you'll just get this piece

of junk out of here.

- Junk?

I'll have you know this is the very couch

used by that famous psychoanalyst Sigmund Frude.

- Sigmund Frude?

- Or Siggy baby as Marie Antoinette used to call him.

She was his first patient, you know.

- They weren't even around at the same time.

- Oh, they was very careful not to be seen together,

but manys a time Siggy psychoed Marie on this very couch.

- Now, that's the most...

- Now, if you'll just give me a hand, and the $200.

- Yeah, well take it out of here, huh.

- But Mrs. Douglas ordered this.

- I'll take care of Mrs. Douglas.

- But Mr...

Well, I'd better get this back to the ladies' lounge

at the bus depot before they miss it.

- Lisa!

What the...?

Mr. Drucker what are you doing on my couch?

- Oh, it's not what you think.

We were just having a session.

Well, I mean we were...

- Well, I was just trying to help Mr. Drucker

with his problem.

- Yeah, she sure did help me.

Though when I came in here,

I was a bundle of repressions and I had a

what was that I had again?

- An Oedipus complex.

That's where you hate your mother.

- That's not what...

- I read that in abnormals it was in book eight

chapter nine.

- Lisa, you don't have the slightest idea

of what you're talking about.

- Oh no?

Well, how come I don't hate my mother anymore?

When I came in here, I couldn't stand her.

Your wife sure helped me.

- She can't help anybody.

- She saved Arnold's life, didn't she?

- No, that was Arnold's romance,

it was Kimball's, no, no, Eb's...

- Mr. Douglas you sound a little mixed up.

Why don't you lie down?

- Yes, I think I can squeeze you in

tomorrow at two o'clock.

- Well, that's my appointment,

but I guess you need it more than I do.

- Mr. Drucker, there aren't gonna

be any more appointments.

This whole thing is now finished.

Come in!

- Can you take Henry now, doctor?

- What the... - Arnold recommended you.

Henry has an identity problem.

- I don't... - He thinks he's a duck.

- I don't think there is anything in the book

about a quacking goat.

But if you would like to lie down on the couch?

- Oh no, no!

Out! Out! Out!

- Wait a minute.

- What's the matter?

- What makes you think that I want to sleep

with a man who had me disbarred from the doctor business?

- Oh Lisa.

You could've gotten into a lot of trouble.

It's illegal to practice psychiatry without a license.

- I didn't say I was a psychiatrist.

- No, but the people thought you were

and they took your cockamamie advice.

- Does this mean the end of my psychology course?

- I'm afraid so.

- And what am I supposed to do on Tuesdays and Thursdays?

- Take another course.

- Like what?

- Well, I don't know.

Check the menu there, the pamphlet.

Now, if you don't mind I'm going to sleep.

- Good night, darling.

- Good night.

- Accounting, agriculture, business management,

biology, nuclear physics.

This has been a Filmways presentation, darling.