Original subtitles

- Wrench.

- Wrench.

- What's the idea?

- That's what they always do in those medical shows.

The doctor says wrench and the assistant

slaps it into his hand.

- I'm not a doctor.

- You're not a plumber either.

- Flashlight.

- Flashlight!

- You do that once more I'm gonna.

- What are you looking for?

- I'm trying to find the leak.

- Oh, there's an easier way to find it than that.

- Turn it off!

- Wasn't that easy?

- Eb.

- Easy but messy.

- Hello there, what's going on?

- Mr. Douglas is fixing the sink.

- Oh boy, when you work you really sweat.

- That's water form the leak.

- Which side of your face is leaking?

- It's the trap, I'll have to get a new one.

- You better get some new boards for the front porch.

- Why?

- They're starting to give way, I almost went through it.

- All right, I'll fix it.

- You better fix the light in the bathroom too.

- What's wrong with that?

- Well, when you pull the chain

the light doesn't go on but the water runs.

- You're pulling the wrong chain.

- I can't tell, it's too dark in there.

- Lisa, please...

- And another thing, you better fix the stove door.

- What's wrong with that?

- Come, I'll show you.

That.

♪ Green Acres is the place to be

♪ Farm living is the life for me

♪ Land spreading out so far and wide

♪ Keep Manhattan, just give me that country side

♪ New York is where I'd rather stay

♪ I get allergic smelling hay

♪ I just adore a penthouse view

♪ Darling I love you but give me Park Avenue

♪ The chores ♪ The stores ♪ Fresh air

♪ Times Square ♪ You are my wife

♪ Goodbye city life

♪ Green Acres we are there

- See how rotten the boards are?

- I wonder if that's termites.

- Are you kidding?

No self respecting termite would eat this stuff.

- This is dry rot.

- The story of your life.

- Look, I don't need your wise...

- Oliver, when are you going to fix the sink?

I need to use the water.

- As soon as I fix the porch.

- He's got dry rot.

- In the kitchen he's got wet rot.

- You name a rot and he's got it.

- Look, I'll go into Drucker's and get some boards

to fix the porch and then I'll get a trap for your sink.

- What are you going to get for my room?

- What do you need?

- A colored television set would be nice.

- Oh, Oliver you can't leave the porch like that,

somebody could hurt themselves.

- Oh, yeah, get me that plank Eb.

- Right.

Where do you want it?

- Right here.

You stupid!

- Well, you said right here.

- Yes you did.

- Excuse me honey, move back a little.

That'll do it, alright,

I'll get my coat, go to Drucker's, I'll fix everything.

- Well, somebody can trip over that and hurt themselves.

Boy, some people are so careless.

Well that's a fine kettle of fish.

That's not a kettle it's a... - Mr. Kimball.

Oh, hi Mr. Douglas, excuse me for not standing up.

- How did you do that?

- Do what?

- Put your foot through the porch.

- Oh, no thanks, I just did.

- What happened to the board that was there?

- I threw it away.

Yeah, somebody might have tripped

over it and hurt themselves.

- Is your foot alright?

- Yeah, seems to be fine.

- No, no, I meant the other one.

- I can't tell, it's in the hole.

- Well take it out.

Let me help you, let me help you.

It's stuck.

- There, okay?

- Oh, it's fine.

Well, it's not fine, it's a, do you mind if I scream?

Wait a minute, hold it, hold it, hold it.

I got you, come on in the house.

- Hey, what have you two been drinking?

- We haven't been drinking.

- Then why are you staggering together?

- Mr. Kimball put his foot through the porch.

- Oh, that's terrible, did you hurt yourself Mr. Kimball?

- Well, not really, just a minor.

Oh, oh, it's not minor.

- I better take a look at it.

Oliver it's all swollen.

- It's probably a sprain.

- It looks more like a whiplash to me.

- Lisa, will you get me an ice bag?

- Oh that's a fine thing,

he hurt his ankle and you want to cure your hangover.

- Will you get me an ice bag please?

- I threw it away.

- Why?

- The ice melted.

- You just sit here, take it easy.

I'll run into Drucker's and get an ice bag.

- Mr. Kimball, why don't you just

lie down and rest your foot.

There you are, there.

Oh, the swelling is getting bigger,

you better take your shoe and socks off.

- Would you mind turning your back please?

- What for?

- Well, my mother told me to never show

my naked foot to a girl.

- Oh that's alright, I've seen plenty of

naked feet before.

- Boy, you city folks sure are sophisticated.

- Come on, you better take your shoes off.

- Oh no, listen, I'll go home and then I...

- Come on Mr. Kimball,

you better just wait here until my husband gets back.

- What's the name of it?

- I don't know, it's that after shave lotion

advertised on TV.

- Well, they advertise a lot of them,

which one is it?

- Well it's the one that makes the girls run after you.

- Oh, they all say they'll do that.

- Yeah, but this one, the girls not only chase you,

but when they catch you they jump all over you.

- What do you want with that?

- Well, it aint for me it's for Arnold.

He says he'll take a jumbo size.

- Well what does he want with it?

- Lately he's been striking out with the girls.

He says that sexy aftershave lotion might help.

- Well, this is the one I use.

- Arnold says no thank you.

He's seen the kind of girls you get.

- Now look here Fred I, oh, hi Mr. Douglas.

- Oh, hi Mr. Drucker, Mr. Ziffel.

You too.

Mr. Drucker, I want...

What's he sniffing at?

- He wants to know the name of the

aftershave lotion you wearing.

- Oh, it's something called brawny lime.

- He says that's the stuff he's been striking out with.

- There's something you wanted Mr. Douglas?

- Yes, I want an ice bag.

- Got another hangover?

- It's not for me, it's for Mr. Kimball.

- Oh, you've been teaching him how to drink.

- He sprained his ankle.

- How did he do that?

- He fell through my front porch.

- Is he hurt bad?

- No, no, nothing serious, just a slight sprain.

- There, how's that?

- That's great, well, not great, it's a,

don't you think you should've taken off the shoe

before you put on the bandage?

- Mr. Kimball, I was a girl scout in Hungary and the

first rule was, to always bandage with the shoe on.

That way, when the foot gets well and you take the bandage

off you already have your shoe on.

- Well, that makes sense.

Well, doesn't make sense it's a,

well I think I better go home.

- Oh, no, no, no, you shouldn't move.

Let me see, how about putting.

I'm sorry.

Is that better?

- Oh, yeah, fine, thank you.

- Is there anything else?

- Oh no, no, you don't want to fuss over me,

you just go do what you have to do and I'll,

do happen to have another pillow for my head?

- Why yes, of course.

Here we are, there you, there, there you are.

I better bring in a bell

so you can ring if you want something.

- That won't be necessary, if I want anything

I'll just toot on my kazoo.

- You'll do what?

- Toot on my kazoo.

- Oh, that's pretty.

- Oh, yeah, I play lead kazoo in the Hooterville

kazoo and drum port.

Yeah, we march in all the parades.

Well, not all the parades.

We've been banned in the city limits.

- Well, you better rest now, when I hear you toot I'll come.

Yes?

- Can I have a magazine please?

- I'll get you one.

Oh, hello dear.

- Here we are.

Where's Mr. Kimball?

What's that?

- A kazoo.

- Who's blowing it?

- Mr. Kimball, he's in the bedroom.

- What for?

- Well, he couldn't move, I bandaged his foot

and I made him lie down.

Oh, he wants his magazine, you better take it

in to him and I'll put ice in this.

- Why should I?

Oh, for.

Will you please stop that.

- Oh, it's you, I was tooting for Mrs. Douglas.

- Yeah well...

- I think we better have a system.

I mean, I'll toot charge for Mrs. Douglas and taps

for when I want you.

- Mr. Kimball, why don't I drive you home?

- I don't think I'd better, if my mother

saw my foot she'd get the vapors.

- The vapors?

- Yeah, when she gets excited she stiffs the gin bottle.

- Well, look... - Is that magazine for me?

- Oh, yeah.

- Well, that's all, you can go now.

- What now?

- I've already read this.

- Got one of those girly magazines,

you know where the girl folds out in the middle.

Well, the girl doesn't fold out in the middle, the...

- Mr. Kimball, why don't you just rest.

- Honey, how's the patient?

- He's resting.

- Good.

Now could you fix the sink so I could use some water?

- I left the trap in the car, I'll get it.

- I just heard the bad news from Mr. Drucker.

Where's my Hanky, where is he?

- He's resting in the bedroom with his Kazoo.

- Is he still alive?

- All he's got is...

- I heard what he's got, a bad case of dry rot.

- No, it's Mr. Douglas who has the dry rot.

- I don't have any...

- So, you're the one that gave it to him,

I might have known it.

- All he's got is a sprained ankle.

- Are you a doctor?

- No.

- Well, then keep your crumby diagnosis to yourself,

I'll take care of Hanky.

- We don't need anybody to...

- Boil some water.

- What for?

- Don't you ever watch those medical shows,

were they're always boiling water?

I'll get you some water.

- Look...

- Now bring the bags into the bedroom.

Hanky I'm here, I'm here.

- Oh, boy.

- Will you stop that racket.

- My poor darling, he's delirious,

he doesn't know what he's doing.

- He never did.

Ralph.

- Hankey, don't you know me?

- Oh, yeah, sure, you're the fellow that fixed my TV set.

I'll send you a check in the morning, goodbye.

- He's worse off than I thought, bring my bags over here.

- What do you got in them anyway?

- Well, that's my nurses bag and

the others my overnight case.

- Overnight?

- Yes, my baby needs round the clock care.

I'm going to get him back on his feet if it takes all year.

- Now can I use the water?

- No, it's not fixed yet.

- Did you fix the front porch?

- No, I didn't.

- What about the chair?

- I didn't have the...

- What have you been doing all day?

- Lisa, please.

- Would you quit that banging,

you're giving Hanky a headache.

- I'll give him a...

- You look very pretty in your nurses outfit.

- Yeah, where'd you get that outfit?

- Well the Hooterville theater group did a play

called The Nurses Dilemma, and I was it.

- You certainly are.

- Why don't you crawl back under your sink.

Here's Hanky's dinner order.

- Dinner order, we're not...

- I don't mind cooking for him, and he has to eat.

Fishy sore eyes, whisked jalapeny,

asparagus tips, toast, cherish jubilee.

Well, the toast I can handle,

but for the rest we have to send out.

- Forget it, he'll eat what we eat.

- Oh, don't you worry Mrs. Douglas, I'll cook something

for him later.

Right now I have to get his medicine.

- Honey, your face is leaking again.

- I oughta.

- There's somebody at the door.

- I heard.

- Dry your face and answer it.

- What do you want?

- Oh, there's somebody knocking on the front door.

- I heard them.

- Well, dry your face and answer it.

- Oh, Mr. Haney.

- Mr. Douglas, do you know you've got a great big hole

in the middle of your front porch?

- Yes, I know.

- Is that the one you pushed Mr. Kimball into?

- I didn't push him.

- May I see the poor soul?

- Well he's... - Which ward is he in?

- He's in the bedroom.

- If you'll excuse me I'll go in and see my client.

- Your client?

- Mr. Kimball, how are you?

- Oh, I'm a... - Now don't try to answer,

I can see that you're in mortal agony.

- Oh, he's not in any...

- Will you just sign right here please?

- Sign what?

- An out of court settlement for 50,000 dollars.

- 50,000!

He's not getting a nickel.

- Well, in that case, we'll just have to take you into

court and sue you for malfeasants of your front porch.

- There's no such law.

- Will 50 thousand be enough for your incapacitate foot?

- His foot isn't incapacitated.

- Do you realize, he may never be able to play soccer again?

- Well, I, wouldn't...

- Don't talk, you're in too much pain.

- Oh, he's not in any pain.

- There, that's pain if I ever heard it.

I think we better ask for 60,000.

- Goodbye Mr. Haney.

- I haven't got your check yet.

- You're not getting it.

- Of course, we may be willing to settle for less,

shall we say 25 dollars?

- Out!

Of all the.

I'm going to shove that kazoo.

What do you want now?

- I seem to be getting a ringing in my head.

- A ringing?

- Yeah, you know.

Well, I don't know what that...

- There it goes again.

- That's the telephone.

- Oh, boy, thank goodness,

I thought there was something wrong with my head.

- Nothing that plugging up the holes won't fix.

- It's time for your pill sweetie.

- What are they?

- Well, the green one's a pain killer

and the red one's a love potion.

- Oh, I'll take the green one,

save the red one in case I meet a girl.

- If you weren't in such pain I'd bout you.

- That was your mother, she wanted to know when

you were coming home to dinner.

- Oh gee, I'd better... - Lie down.

No, you don't understand, I...

- See, you're still in pain.

You're in no condition to leave.

- No, he's not in any...

- You're spending the night here.

- He is not.

- What are you, some kind of a sadist?

- I can't spend the night here.

I didn't bring my jammies.

- You can wear a pair of his.

- Now, see here... - Get them.

- Don't you have any with bunny rabbits on them?

- No.

- Here, let me help you get undressed.

- Get your hands off me.

- It's all right, I'm a nurse.

- Let go of me, let go of me.

- Hold still.

- I'll see you two later.

- Mr. Douglas, don't leave me.

Help, help!

- What is going on here?

- Ralph wants to undress me.

- He has to get into his pajamas.

- Well, I'll put them on him.

- Fine.

- Just a minute, I'll put them on for him.

- Oliver, Mr. Kimball is tooting for you.

- I heard him.

- Well, you better go and see what he's tooting for.

- What do you want now?

- Would you mind changing the channel?

We don't like the show.

- Why can't she change it?

- I'm sterile.

- You're... - Try channel two.

They have a lumpy louse cartoon on, boy.

- Why don't you go to sleep?

- I'm not sleepy.

- I'm not talking to you.

- My patient isn't sleepy either.

- I want you to go home and I want him to go to sleep.

- I'm not leaving my patient.

- Then take him home with you.

- He can't be moved.

- Oliver, will you get some blankets and pillows?

- What for?

- We'll have to sleep in the barn.

- I'm not gonna sleep in the barn.

- Do as you're told.

- Now, see here.

- Must be murder living with him.

- Ralph, I've had about enough of you.

- Get the pillows and the blanket.

Mr. Kimball, is there anything we can do for you

before we go to bed?

- If he needs anything, I'll be here.

- I'm not spending the night alone in this room with you.

- You don't have anything to worry about

as long as I have on my nurse's uniform.

- Oh, you'd better go home, Ralph.

If he needs anything, he can always toot for Mr. Douglas.

- If he toots for me...

- Goodnight, Mr. Kimball.

- Goodnight, Hanky.

Would you like a little mouth to mouth resuscitation

before I leave?

- Ralph!

Ralph!

- Oliver, how did you sleep?

- Terrible.

Didn't close an eye all night.

- Neither did I.

- How did you get here?

- I crawled out here during the night.

- Why did you do that?

- Well, I was afraid to stay in the house

alone in the dark.

- Oh, you.

- Mr. Kimball, how is your foot?

- Hmm, oh.

It's much...

- Oliver, you better carry him back into the house.

- Me, carry him?

- You finally did it.

- Yep, I did it.

- Oliver, there's somebody knocking at the door.

- I heard.

I heard.

- Is Mr. Kimball here?

- Yes.

- Good, I was over to his office and there

was a sign hanging on his door said he was

holding his animal clinic here today.

- His animal clinic?

- Yes, where is he?

- Well, he's in the bedroom but...

- Come on, fellas.

- Who was it?

- Some fella came over with a bunch of ducks

to see Mr. Kimball.

- Oh, isn't that nice?

All his friends are coming over to visit him.

No, they're not his friends...

- Mr. Kimball here?

- In the bedroom.

- Come on, Ellen.

Wait just a second, you can't, no...

- He certainly has a lot of friends.

- They're not friends.

He's running an animal clinic in our bedroom.

- Oliver, there is somebody else at the door.

- Oh, for...

- You'll find Mr. Kimball in the bedroom.

- I'm leaving.

- Where are you going?

- To the nearest saloon.

- Oliver, what happened?

Oliver, Oliver, are you all right?

- Do I look all right?

- Don't worry darling, I know just what to do for it.

How does your ankle feel, dear?

- It's much better.

- She's talking to me.

- Oh, sorry.

- Is there anything else you want, darling?

- Oh no thanks, I'm fine.

- Will you keep out of this?

- Do you want me to turn on the TV?

- Yeah.

- No, I want to get some sleep.

- I brought somebody over to cheer you up.

- I don't want to see anybody.

- Not you, they've come to see Hanky.

Okay, fellas.

- It's the Kazoo Corps.

- Isn't that beautiful?

This has been a

Filmways Presentation, darling.