Original subtitles

- Lisa, I'm starved, what are we gonna...

What's the duck doing on the table?

- He's having lunch, except he doesn't want to eat.

- Well, he doesn't have to have it on the table.

Alright, duck, get off.

- Oliver, you know he only understands Hungarian.

- Tell him to get off the table.

- If you were any kind of a father

you'd learn to talk to him in Hungarian.

- I'm not planning on talking to him in any language.

Now, can I please have some...

What's that mess?

- It's Hungarian duck food.

It's got shredded prunes, jellied liver,

and it's stuffed with a fish sauce.

I can't understand why Drobny won't eat it.

It used to be his favorite food when he lived in Hungary.

- Fine.

Now, what's for lunch?

- You can have this, he didn't even touch it.

- I wouldn't go near that with a snorkel tube.

- You love shredded prunes.

- I never had shredded prunes.

- You know how you always put fish sauce on everything.

- When do I put fish sauce?

- Oliver, I am worried about Drobny.

He doesn't eat, he's tossing in his sleep,

and he gets headaches.

- A duck doesn't get...

- I think I know what's wrong with him.

He's homesick for Hungary.

- Then let's send him home.

- Uncle Janos sent him to us as a present,

we can't send him back.

- Alright, we'll have him deported.

An anonymous call to the immigration authorities

ought to do it.

- Oliver, that's not a very nice thing to say!

- You've been pampering him too much.

- You don't understand.

Like, all Hungarians he's very sensitive.

Now, if you would play with him once in a while.

- I'm not playing with any dumb duck.

- Now you did it!

- What's he...

- He's going into the bedroom with his security blanket.

♪ Green Acres is the place to be

♪ Farm livin' is the life for me

♪ Land spreadin' out so far and wide

♪ Keep Manhattan, just give me that countryside

♪ New York is where I'd rather stay

♪ I get allergic smelling hay

♪ I just adore a penthouse view

♪ Darling I love you but give me Park Avenue

♪ The chores ♪ The stores ♪ Fresh air

♪ Times Square ♪ You are my wife

♪ Good bye, city life

♪ Green Acres we are there

- Lisa?

Lisa!

Lisa, I can't work with all this.

Hey, you dirty.

I ought to give you such a...

- Oh, a child beater!

- I'm not a... He bit me.

- What did you do to him?

- Nothing, I just turned off the record player.

- No wonder he bit you.

He was listening to Hungarian Gypsy music.

- Well I don't care...

- They're his favorites.

And if you were any kind of a father

you'd sing one to him once and awhile.

- Will you stop calling me his father?

What was that about?

- He wanted to know what you said,

and I told him that you said that you're not his father.

He said he's happy to hear that.

- Can you keep him quiet?

I'm trying to get some work done.

- That's a good, little boy.

- Oh, it's you.

That's all I need.

There's nobody home.

- Oliver.

Did I hear Arnold?

- Yes, I was just saying good bye...

- But I was expecting him.

Come on in, Arnold.

- I don't want him in here I'm trying...

- Oliver, I called the Ziffels

and asked them to send Arnold over

so Drobny had someone to play with his own age.

- Honey, I'm not running a zoo.

- Drobny.

- Lisa, please... - Drobny, this is Arnold.

I think they're going to be good friends.

- Not in here, they're not.

- But Arnold came over to play with Drobny.

- They can play outside.

Come on, outside, both of you.

- Play nice.

I wonder what game they're going to play.

- Russian Roulette would be nice.

- Oliver!

Well, how are you two getting along?

Oh, that's terrible.

I forgot all about that.

- What's the matter now?

- Well, they can't communicate.

You see, Drobny can only speak Hungarian

and Arnold only speaks English.

He also speaks French and Spanish,

and a little bit of Japanese.

- Japanese?

- And sayonara to you too, Arnold.

- Will you shut that thing off?

Drobny!

- Oliver, did...

What happened to the stove pipe?

- Oh, I slammed the door to keep out

that stupid Hungarian rhapsody...

- What are all these papers?

- I'm trying to fill out my state income tax.

- Can Drobny help you?

He has nothing to do.

- Lisa, please let me finish this.

- Alright, darling, go ahead.

What's that $400?

- It's a deduction for business expenses.

- Oh, you're going to try to do that again.

- What?

- Remember the last time you tried it

you almost finished up in jail

and I was going to bake you a cake with a saw in it?

- Lisa, please, will you leave me alone?

- Alright.

Can I get you some more coffee?

- No thanks.

- I'll get you some.

- Hi.

Hello, Eb.

- Oh, I see the chief is working.

- Yes, and he doesn't want to be disturbed.

- What's he working on?

- His tax form.

- Oh, cheating the government again, huh?

- This time it's the state.

- Look, would you two mind?

- You'd better be careful.

Last year we almost lost you to the Feds.

- Eb, will you please?

- If mom hadn't baked you that cake with a file in it

you'd still be in the pokey.

- Eb, will you do me a favor?

- Where's Drobny?

- Listening to Gypsy music.

It soothes his nerves.

- Well, I got him a present here that ought to cheer him up.

Drobny!

- Eb, will you...

- What did you get him, Eb?

- This.

The guy in the store said this is real big in Hungary.

It's called a Budapest Banger.

- What does it do?

- I'll show ya.

- Eb, no, no, Eb, alright!

Stop that!

- He doesn't like anything Hungarian.

- Look, take that thing and get out of here will you?

- Look what I got for you, Drobny.

- Show him how it works, Eb.

- No, not in here.

No, no, not...

- Where did the ball go?

- It's in Mr. Douglas' coffee cup.

- What did you put it in there for?

- You nitwit!

You ruined my tax form.

- I'm sorry, Drobny.

I'll see if I can fix it for ya.

- Don't bother, Eb.

I don't think that will help him with his problem.

He needs friends.

- You know it's too bad him and Arnold didn't hit it off.

- Oh, they would have, if there wasn't a language barrier.

- You know something?

If you were any kind of father you would hire a tutor

for Drobny so he could learn some English.

- I'm not his father and I don't...

- I know just what he needs.

He needs a girlfriend.

- Why don't you call your cousin

and see if she'll go out with him?

- Which cousin is that?

- The one with the web feet.

- I wonder where we could find a girl duck.

- Yeah, one that speaks Hungarian.

- Oh, that won't be necessary if they start a romance

because love is the one language that everybody understands.

Except him.

Where are you going?

- I'm going into Druckers.

I wanna see if he has another tax form.

- I'll go with you.

I'll see if maybe Mr. Drucker knows somebody

who has a girl duck.

I told Drobny about the girlfriend and he likes the idea.

- I really don't care what he likes

but if you want to come with me let's go.

- Come on, Drobny, we're going for a ride.

- Oh, no, no, not Drobny.

- Of course.

If he wants to have a girlfriend he's going to be the one

who chooses her.

- I don't wanna take that...

- Anyway, we're not going to be the kind of parents

who are going to choose a romance for their child.

Oh, hello there, Mr. Drucker.

- Hello, Mrs. Douglas.

Mr. Douglas.

- Mr. Drucker, I'd like to get a...

- Oh, hello, Drobny.

Say, how's he feeling?

I heard he was homesick.

- Yes.

He's still pretty down on the dumps.

- The Budapest Banger didn't cheer him up?

- Mr. Drucker, could I please get waited on?

- Sorry, what is it you want?

- We want to get a girl duck for Drobny.

- We want a tax form.

- Do you know anyone that has any?

- Tax forms or a girl duck?

- Girl ducks.

- Look, Lisa will you... - Girl ducks, huh?

- And it should be a girl from a good family.

You see Drobny has royal blood in him.

- Oh really?

- Yes, in Hungary his father was the head duck

in the palace barn.

- Oh, well I be.

It's an honor to have you here, your duck-ship.

- Oh for the love of...

Mr. Drucker, could I please have a state tax form?

- Oh, of course, I have one here someplace.

Oh, I just happened to think, Ben Miller has a girl duck.

No, he had it for Christmas dinner.

- If he'd like one for this Christmas.

- Oliver!

Now you've hurt his feelings.

- Oh, I thought he couldn't understand English.

- He doesn't but he knows

when he's being sold down the river.

- Here we are, state tax form.

- This form has already been filled out by somebody.

- It has? - Yeah.

- Oh, just cross out these figures and put your own in.

- Haven't you got a new form?

Please?

- New form.

New form.

Oh say, you're in luck.

Here's one that's only five years old.

- You've been coughing an awful lot lately.

If you hear of anybody that has a girl duck

be sure to call me.

- Yes, ma'am.

- Oh good.

- Well, let's go.

- Come on, Drobny.

On the way home Drobny and I will sit in the backseat.

I don't want him to catch your cold.

Oh, Oliver.

- Lisa, I'm going to work on my tax in the bedroom

and I don't want to be disturbed.

- I'll see that nobody bothers you.

- Beat it!

- What is all the commotion?

- It's that darned duck again.

- He says you hit him!

- He's a liar.

- Where are you going?

- I'm going to the barn

and I don't want to be disturbed by anyone.

Especially you.

- I keep telling you he doesn't understand English.

You're right, he is a big sore head.

- Hi, Eleanor.

I'm gonna give you a check up.

Open your mouth and say ah.

- Mr. Kimble.

- No, no, not Mr. Kimble, just say ah.

- Mr. Kimble.

- Oh you don't seem to understand, Eleanor.

All I want is a simple ah.

- Mr. Kimble!

- Oh, Mr. Douglas.

- What are you doing?

- Cow's acting very strange.

She keeps saying "Mr. Kimble."

- Mr. Kimble, what do you want?

- I don't know, what do you got?

It's not what you got, it's what Eleanor's got.

- What are you talking about?

- Well, the chief sent me out to check

all the cows in the neighborhood.

- What for?

- Cow throat.

- Cow throat?

Shh!

It's a disease that cows get.

Well, it's not a disease it's more of a...

Well, you can always tell it by feeling the throat

right there.

Uh-oh.

Would you open your mouth and say ah?

- Go on, Mr. Kimble.

Now cut it out!

- Can't anybody give me a simple ah?

Hey, that's close but it's still not it.

- Look, there is nothing wrong with Eleanor.

Now would you mind leaving?

I'm busy.

- No, you go right ahead.

What are you doing?

- My income tax.

You never give up do ya?

Still trying to get that old $400 deduction, huh?

- Good bye, Mr. Kimble.

- So long, Mr. Douglas.

Say, by the way I hear you're looking

for a friend for Drobny.

Would you be interested in a goat that speaks Armenian?

Well, it's not pure Armenian it's...

- Good bye, Mr. Kimble.

- So long, Mr. Douglas.

Good bye, Eleanor.

- Oliver.

Yes, dear?

- Where are you?

- In the bathroom.

- What are you doing in there?

- I'm working on my income tax.

It's the only place I can get...

- Oliver, something terrible has happened.

Drobny disappeared.

- Wonderful.

Close the door on your way out.

- Oliver, this is serious.

- Lisa, just let me finish my work.

- I think he ran away from home.

All his things are gone.

- What things?

- His security blanket, his Gypsy record.

- Did you count our silverware?

- Oliver, this is serious.

Oh that poor, little duck is out there all alone.

We've got to find him.

- Look, I'm not running around looking for a duck.

- Oliver, please?

You know he was so unhappy.

He was telling me last night

that he was thinking of hitchhiking to Budapest.

- Budapest?

- Mrs. Douglas!

- Oh, you found him!

Where was he?

- He was trying to hitch a ride to Budapest.

- Oh, the poor, little fellow.

He's shivering.

- I'll give him a hot bath.

- Where are you going?

- To draw a hot tub for Drobny.

- Oh, no, no.

I'm doing my tax form in there.

- No wonder the little nipper wants to go home.

You're so unfriendly to him.

- Maybe we should send Drobny home.

- Good, now that that's settled...

- Of course he would be happy here

if we could find him a girl duck.

- Oh, forget it, there aren't any around.

- I think Tarzan's found his mate.

- Come on Oliver!

- Down, boy, down.

- Oh, Mr. Haney, I might have known.

- Mr. Haney, is that a girl duck?

- I believe so.

She answers to the name of Gertrude.

- Then it is a girl.

- Not necessarily.

Your brother used to answer to the name of Florence.

- Mr. Haney, does Gertrude speak Hungarian?

- I never asked her.

Gertrude, do you speak Hungarian?

You do?

She said she speaks it fluently.

- Oh brother.

- She'd be perfect for Drobny.

Mr. Haney, is she for sale?

- Ooh, there's a superfluous question.

- Well, I wouldn't think of selling her.

- But, Mr. Haney, Drobny needs a wife to make him happy.

- In that case, you may have her.

Now, may I have your check for $600 please?

- I thought she wasn't for sale.

- Oh, well she's not.

I'm just renting her to you for $20 a day,

the first month payable in advance.

- That sounds reasonable.

- It sure does.

- It's not...

I'm not spending $600 for a duck.

- Gertrude said if you was any kind of a father

you'd be glad to buy your son a female companion.

- And she's right.

- Drobny wants to make friends with her.

Look at that, it's love at first sight.

- Yes, it is.

This heart rendering moment is certainly worth $600.

- It's worth more than that.

- It sure is.

- No it isn't.

- Oh, but Oliver please?

Please, Oliver?

- Oh for the...

Look, Mr. Haney, I'll give you $20 for the duck.

- Oh, I couldn't take the...

Well, I guess I'm just an old softy when it come to romance.

Oh, by the way, would you be interested in a honeymoon trip

for Gertrude and Drobny?

- Yes, we would.

- No, we wouldn't.

- It'd only cost $200 and that would include...

- Beat it!

- Oliver, thank you buying Gertrude for Drobny.

You've made Drobny very happy.

Just look at them.

I think they want to be alone.

We better get lost for awhile.

- Well, I'm not getting lost, this is my house.

Hey!

How'd they lock the door?

- Now do you get the message?

Look, hey!

Come on, come on you two.

Break it up in there.

- You're wasting your time.

Once a Hungarian honeymoon starts

there is no way of stopping it.

- How're the newlyweds getting along?

- What newlyweds?

- Drobny and Gertrude.

- They're hardly newlyweds.

They've been married over five weeks.

- They sure sent me a pretty postcard from Niagara Falls.

- Niagara Falls?

- Where else would you expect a duck to go on his honeymoon?

- Look, Mr. Drucker...

- They're living out of your place now?

- Yes, but Drobny is building them a house to live in.

- It's not a house.

Just a little thing Eb's building for them.

- Yes, but Drobny drew up the plans.

Look, Mr. Drucker, could I...

- Excuse me.

Drucker's store.

What?

Oh, yeah, just a second.

It's Eb, for you.

- Hello.

Eb, yes?

What?

Well boil some water we'll be right home!

- What's the matter?

- We are going to be grandparents.

Aren't they cute?

- What else could they be?

- Just like a grandfather, so modest.

- Drobny named that one after you

and that one after you and the third on after me.

- Isn't that chick?

- Yeah.

- I wonder how Drobny's wife explained that to him.

This has been a Filmways presentation, darling.