Original subtitles

- Oh, hello, dear, Arnold, I've been expecting you.

Now, take your suitcase in the bedroom.

- What do you mean, take your suitcase...

- Arnold is going to stay with us for a few days.

- Oh, no, he's not.

- Arnold, hang your clothes up nice.

You can use Mr. Douglas's closet.

- Don't bother.

He's not staying here.

- Oliver, the Ziffels called and asked if we'd

take care of him for a few days.

They have the flu and they don't want him

to catch it.

Of all the...

You leaving?

- No, he said he forgot something.

- How do you know what he's talking about?

- He uses the same dialect that they use

in the southern part of Hungary.

- It's nice that you two have something in common.

- Oliver...

- Oh, Lisa, I don't want that pig to stay here.

- But he's only going to stay for a few days.

- Well, why don't they send him

to a kennel or a camp or...

- Oh, isn't that nice, he brought his ukulele.

- Oh, groovy.

- The Ziffels said we must make sure

he practices three hours every day.

- Lisa, a pig can't possibly play...

♪ Green Acres is the place to be

♪ Farm livin' is the life for me

♪ Land spreadin' out so far and wide

♪ Keep Manhattan, just give me that countryside

♪ New York is where I'd rather stay

♪ I get allergic smelling hay

♪ I just adore a penthouse view

♪ Darling I love you but give me Park Avenue

♪ The chores

♪ The stores ♪ Fresh air ♪ Times Square

♪ You are my wife ♪ Good bye, city life

♪ Green Acres we are there

- Got your shopping list?

- It's in my purse.

- Where's your purse?

- I left it in the living room.

I'll go and get it.

- Well, what are we all duded up for?

- Well, we're going into Pixley...

- Oh, going to the big town, eh?

Bright lights, cabaret, dancing girls, cotton candy?

- Cotton candy?

- I'll get my ma jacket and be right with you.

- No, you're not going.

- But I'm really funky in Pixley.

- You can't go.

- But...

- Look, stay here and spread your funk around here.

Boy.

- Here's my shopping list.

Eb, is there anything you need?

- Yes, ma'am I've got a whole list.

- Where is it?

- I left it in my purse.

- Let's go.

What's he doing in the car?

- I told him he could come with us.

He has some shopping to do, too.

- Oh, all right, but he's not riding up in front.

Get in the back.

- Boy, you don't care what the Supreme Court said.

- The Supreme Court?

- They said that everybody is equal and...

- And let's go.

- What does he want?

- He wants to go in the drugstore with us.

- Nothing doing.

I'm not going shopping with any pig.

Let him wait in the car.

- Arnold, we won't be long.

- What happened?

- The bank's been robbed.

Did anybody get a look at the two men

who just ran out?

You're sure now?

- What's going on?

- Two men just held up the bank.

You didn't see them, did you?

- I don't know, what did they look like?

- That's what I'm trying to find out.

Beat it, pig.

Who's pig is this?

- Well, he's ours.

- No, he's not ours.

- Well, he's staying with us.

You see, the Ziffels have the flu

and they didn't want Arnold to catch it,

so they asked if it was...

- Lisa, Lisa, he's not interested in how they're...

- Did anybody get the number of their license plate?

Would you please take this pig away from here?

- They should have listened to Arnold.

Arnold said he saw the whole thing.

- Oh, for...

- Arnold, what did they look like?

He lost his voice.

- How could he...

- It must have been from all the excitement.

- Good, now we can ride home in peace and quiet.

They're offering a $2500 reward

for the capture and conviction of these two men.

- Wait till Arnold gets his voice back.

He'll collect the reward.

- Oh, that's the most ridiculous...

- He knows what the robbers look like.

- Why don't you get him to draw a picture of them?

- He doesn't draw too well.

- Oh, I didn't think there was anything he couldn't do.

- Well, I'd better get something for his throat.

- There's a rope in the barn.

- Oliver.

- Oh, good morning, Mr. Haney.

- If you'll just step this way.

- Oh, now...

- I suppose you knew about the bank robbery.

- Oh, yes.

- And you also know there was a witness

to the whole sordid affair, namely Arnold Ziffel.

- Yeah, he saw the...

- Do you realize the danger that Arnold is in?

- Danger?

- I knew you would understand.

My card.

- Haney's Witness Protection Service.

- Arnold's life won't be worth a plugged nickel

when them desperados find out that he can identify them.

- Mr. Haney, that pig can't possibly...

- Now, with our $100 protection plan,

we guarantee the witness will probably live

until the trial.

- What does that...

- Of course, with our $200 plan,

we guarantee full coverage.

- I'm not interested.

- Well, that's a pretty callous attitude.

But then it's not your life that's at stake.

- Mr. Haney, you're not...

- I'd better talk to Arnold.

Where is he?

- This wouldn't be some scheme of yours

to get part of that reward money, would it?

- Oh, is there a reward?

- $2500, as if you didn't know.

- Well, it won't affect the protection price.

It still will be $500.

- I thought it was $200.

- Oh, well, that's without the extras.

This consists of a disguise

for the witness to wear so the culprit

won't recognize him.

May I show you?

- Don't bother, I really...

- Now this is a genuine Alsacian sheep skin.

It was worn by Lassie in her picture,

"Lassie Flees from the Gestapo."

- Of all the...

- When Arnold wears this, he'll fool anybody

including another sheep.

'Course, if that was to happen,

it'd be up to him to bluff his way out of it.

- You're wasting my time.

- Well, you don't like the sheep skin.

How about this for a disguise for Arnold?

There.

This comes complete with an old joke book

and the complete lyrics for "Hooray for Dr. Schor,

the African Explorer."

- I'd love to hear you sing it sometime,

but right now, I'm busy.

- Mr. Douglas... - Goodbye.

- Um, Mister...

- Honey, have you seen... - Open wide.

- What the... - His voice is coming back.

Now try again, Arnold.

Now I think we can take him over to the sheriff

and let him describe the crooks.

- We're not taking him to the sheriff.

If you think I'm gonna walk in

with a dumb pig witness, forget it.

- Well, now you did it.

You got him so upset that he lost his voice again.

Come on, Arnold, open wide.

There we go, that's a good boy.

- Don't shoot.

- Mr. Kimball.

- Oh, it's you, Mr. Douglass.

I thought it was the...

- What are you looking in the window for?

- Oh, now, don't misunderstand.

I'm not a teeping pom.

Uh, pooping tea.

Well, what I was looking for,

what was I looking for again?

Oh, yeah, the bank robbers.

- Why are you looking for them?

- Oh, sheriff made me a deputy.

Well, he didn't make me a deputy.

He asked me to, well, no, he didn't ask me,

anyway, he gave me this badge.

- What badge?

- Oh, yeah, that's right, took it away from me

after I stuck his palm with it

when we were shaking hands.

- I suppose he got upset about that.

- Yeah, a little.

Well, not a little, he turned red

and anyway, he gave me this gun.

- What gun?

- Oh, that's right, he took that away, too.

Yeah, while I was putting it in the holster

I shot a hole in his shoe.

- A hole in his...

- Yeah, lucky he had his toes separated.

- Oh, boy.

- Yeah, heard Arnold saw the crooks.

I'd like to talk to him.

- I don't think you'd get anywhere.

He lost his voice.

- Well, maybe we could help him find it.

That's what your sheriff department is for,

to find lost voices.

Or is it lost children?

Well, anyway, on with the hunt.

- Yeah, on with the hunt.

- And don't you worry.

I'll catch those guys.

- Mr. Kimball, if, by some fluke, you do catch them,

how are you gonna bring 'em in?

- Well, I'll just whip out the old handcuffs.

Oh, yeah, that's right, I left 'em with the sheriff.

I accidentally handcuffed him to his typewriter.

- You handcuffed him... - I'll see ya.

Oh, if you see anybody suspicious,

call me at the sheriff's office.

No, you won't be able to get through.

- Why not?

- Well, when he threw the phone at me,

it came off the wall.

Well, as the Northwest Mounted Police are so fond

of saying, we always get our...

What is it we always get?

Well, it doesn't matter.

Whatever we always get, they probably have a cure for it.

Well.

Don't shoot.

- Oh, Hank.

- Oh, it's you Simpson.

Thought you were one of the bank robbers.

- Don't tell me the sheriff deputized you.

- Yeah.

Sam, you haven't seen any strange characters

around here, have you?

- Not till you showed up.

- Well, they won't get far.

Not with me on their trail.

I can smell a bank robber at 40 paces.

How are you, sir?

- I'm fine, I'd like to get some groceries.

- Kinda new around here, aren't ya?

- Yeah.

I'm staying with the...

- You must be their cousin.

- That's right.

Now, do you have any... - Who's cousin?

- Well the... - It must be the Bennetts.

- That's right.

The Bennetts.

- Haven't seen two suspicious characters

out that way, have you?

- No, why?

- Bank in Pixley was held up.

Two men got away with $25,000.

- Oh, that's awful.

The things that go on these days.

- Yeah, well, they won't get far.

We got road blocks up.

- Yeah, I've noticed.

- Yeah, we'll be picking 'em up

as soon as we get a description

from our star witness.

- Witness?

I didn't hear about a witness.

- Yeah, Arnold saw the whole thing.

- Arnold, what?

- Who's Arnold?

- Arnold Ziffel.

Yeah, he's the Ziffel's kid.

Well, he's not really a kid,

he's a, anyway he saw the two guys

make their getaway.

- Who told ya that?

- Mr. Douglas.

Yeah, Arnold's staying with 'em.

See, they got the flu and they didn't want Arnold...

- Ah, the Douglases, isn't that the new white house

on the main road?

- Nah, it's an old crummy place a half mile down that way.

- Aha.

- How 'bout your groceries, mister?

- Oh, I forgot my shopping list.

I'll be back later.

- Give my regards to the Bennetts.

Gee, that's a nice fella.

Well, better get going and see if I can find the,

what was I looking for again?

- The bank robbers.

- Ooh, yeah, that's right.

Better drive over and report to the sheriff and,

oh, I can't drive over.

- Why not?

- Well, the sheriff took my truck away

when I smashed into his police car.

- Okay, see if that helped any, Arnold.

Hey, you're getting your voice back.

Okay, now tell me what the two crooks looked like.

One was short and had a scar on his creek?

Oh, on his cheek.

Okay, now what did the other guy look like?

Albert Schweitzer?

Who's he?

A fella with a lot of hair?

Look, you keep trying to remember,

and I'll call the sheriff and tell him you ready.

- Just a minute, kid.

- Not now, fellas, I gotta call the sheriff

about the two guys that robbed the bank.

- Not going anyplace.

- Holy smokes, you're the guys.

You're the guy with the scar on his cheek.

And you must be Albert Schweitzer.

- And you're Arnold Ziffel.

- No.

He's Arnold Ziffel.

- Yeah, sure he is.

Come with us, kid.

- But he is Arnold.

Arnold, tell 'em who you are.

Fine time to lose your voice.

- So you're the only witness to the holdup, huh?

- No, sir, I wasn't even there.

It was him.

But I can get him to promise not to say anything.

- We're wasting our time, Danny.

Should I knock him off here?

- No, that wouldn't be too smart, Charlie.

- No, I don't think it would, Charlie.

- We'll take him with us.

We may need him to get us by the road blocks.

- All right, kid, let's move.

- But.

- I said move.

- Arnold, Arnold.

- Eb.

- Arnold - Lisa.

- Is that you, Arnold?

- No.

- Sometimes you sound just like him.

- Have you seen Eb?

- Why would I see Eb when I was looking for Arnold?

- He was supposed to meet me out

in the tomato field an hour ago.

- Why did you want Arnold to meet you?

- I didn't...

Look, did he come in for lunch?

- Eb or Arnold?

But it doesn't many any difference,

because neither of them came in for lunch.

- But where could that kid be?

- Well, maybe he drove Arnold into the doctor's

for his throat.

- Oh, no, the car is here.

Well, hello, Sheriff.

- Hello, Mr. Douglas.

Whoa.

- That's a smart idea, Sheriff.

That way, nobody can steal your typewriter.

- I'm looking for Hank Kimball.

- He was here a little while ago.

- What happened to your hand?

- Mr. Kimball stuck a badge in it.

- Oh?

He should've pinned it up here.

- He's got the keys for these handcuffs, and I...

- How did you get the hole in your shoe?

- Mr. Kimball accidentally shot him.

- It's a lucky thing you had your toes separated,

or you wouldn't be able to walk.

- Where'd Kimball go?

- He's looking for the bank robbers.

- I hope they find him.

- We know who they are.

- You know who they are?

- Well, we don't know personally, but Arnold does.

He saw them and he can tell you what they look like.

- Who's Arnold?

- You sure you want to know?

- Of course.

- Well, I guess after riding around

handcuffed to a typewriter, nothing is gonna surprise you.

Arnold is a pig.

- A pig?

Oh, that really makes my day.

- Oh, we're glad to spread a little sunshine on you.

- Lady, I don't, oh.

- When Arnold gets his voice back

do you want to talk to him?

- Not particularly, but if you see Kimball,

tell him to come on over to the office.

- Oh, no, wait, let me help you with this.

- Oh, by the way, would you do me a favor?

- Yeah.

- Would you call the phone company

and tell 'em to come over and put my phone

back on the wall?

- You got it.

- Thank you.

- We should've told him about Eb being missing.

- He's not missing.

He's probably goofing off someplace.

- But I tell ya, I'm not Arnold Ziffel, I'm Eb...

- Will you shaddup?

- Let's knock him off now.

- We need him, meathead.

- Yeah, you need me, meathead.

- Why you...

- We'll leave as soon as it gets dark.

The dummy will drive us through the road block.

- Which dummy are you talking about?

Me or meathead?

- I oughtta...

- Let's go get something to eat.

I think we got some soup left.

- Hey, how 'bout me?

I'm starved.

Arnold, good boy.

Hey, you got your voice back.

Go tell Mr. Douglas I need help.

You're right, he wouldn't care.

You'd better tell Mrs. Douglas.

- Oh, Oliver, I'm worried.

It isn't like Arnold to run off without leaving a note.

- How could he write a no...

- I wonder if they went bowling.

No, I don't think...

Arnold.

You got your voice back.

Now where have you been and where is Eb?

Eb is in trouble?

What happened?

- How would that dumb pig know anything about...

- You did it again with your yelling.

He lost his voice.

- I didn't mean to...

- Oliver, he wants us to follow him.

- No, no, I'm not gonna follow...

- Eb is in trouble.

Arnold says he needs help.

- Arnold says...

- Oliver, if Eb is in trouble, we got to help him.

Come on.

- Here's your lunch.

- It's about time.

What kind of soup is it?

- Tomato.

- I don't like tomato.

- Eat it.

- Have you got any croutons?

- Shut up and eat.

- Well, how can I eat when you got my hands tied?

- Oh, all right.

Just don't try anything funny.

We'll be in the kitchen.

- Oh, for dessert, I'll have some apple pie

and a glass of milk.

- Well, here we are.

- Here we are where?

- This is where Arnold says Ebbie is.

- What would he be doing in a place like this?

- Let's go in and see.

- Eb, what are you doing here?

- Eating lunch, I'm starved.

- They must have awfully good food,

if you came all the way out here to eat.

- Huh, it wasn't my idea to come out here.

You see, these two fellers made me...

- What two fellas?

- Those two fellas.

- Just everybody relax.

- Who are you?

- We're the fellas with the gun.

- Those are the two guys who robbed the bank.

- Well, thanks to Arnold, we captured them.

- We captured them?

- Eb, where is the telephone?

I'll call the sheriff.

- Will you tell this dumb blonde to sit down?

- You heard what he called me.

Hit him.

- He's got a gun.

- That never used to bother you before

when somebody called me a dumb blonde.

- Lisa, please, look, you fellas, you won't get away

with this, they're searching this whole area.

- Danny, maybe this is the time we outta make our move.

- Yeah, we got enough hostages

to get through 10 road blocks.

- Hey, the pig is getting away.

- So the pig's getting away.

All right, everybody out in the car.

- Don't worry, Arnold will save us.

- Are those the best odds we can get?

- Will you quit muttering and get moving?

Move.

Hey, Danny.

- All right, let's take a shive into the dreriff.

- The dr... - A drive into the sheriff.

What a day, I'm beat.

- I don't know why you're so tired,

It's Arnold who did all the work.

- Where is the big hero?

- In the bathroom brushing his teeth.

- Brushing... What are you doing?

- I'm making up Arnold's bed.

- He's not sleeping in here.

He can sleep in the barn.

- Well, that's a fine way to treat someone

who just saved your life.

Oh, Arnold, here is your bed.

Now tomorrow, we'll drive in so you can

collect your reward money.

Isn't that nice.

He says he'll give you $10 for picking up the gun.

- He's all heart.

- He loves you.

This has been a Filmways presentation, darling.