Original subtitles

- Good morning. - Hello, dear.

- What's that?

- What does it look like?

- It looks like you're about to take a mud bath.

- It's hot cakes batter with chocolate syrup.

- Yuck.

- Would you like to have some sausages with your hotcakes?

- Yeah, that'll be fine.

- Hotcakes and sausages are comin' up.

- On second thought, I think I'll make myself some eggs.

- Mrs. Douglas?

- You dumb clod. - Mr. Douglas.

What are you doing hiding back there?

- I am not hiding, I was going to cook some eggs.

- Why don't you use a bowl?

It's a lot neater than breakin' 'em in your hand.

Mrs. Douglas, there's a letter came for you from Budapest.

It's got the Royal Seal on it.

- Oh, then it must be from my father, the King.

- Your father, the King?

- No, it's not from my father.

It's from the Crown Prince, Uncle Yiannos.

This is a surprise.

- It sure is, I didn't know Uncle Yiannos could write.

- Why that's the last thing to say about

a man when he's sending us a wedding present.

- What's he sending us?

- He doesn't say, he just says it

will be arriving at our estate soon.

- Our estate?

- And that we should instruct

our servants to handle it with care.

- Servants, what's he talking about?

- He ends with "Love to you, my dear and as always,

"my best to your husband, the Count."

- Golly, is Mr. Douglas a Count?

- Oh no, that was the fellow

my Uncle Yiannos wanted me to marry.

If I told him whom I really married,

he never would have sent us a present.

♪ Green Acres is the place to be

♪ Farm livin' is the life for me

♪ Land spreading out so far and wide

♪ Keep Manhattan, just give me that countryside

♪ New York is where I'd rather stay

♪ I get allergic smelling hay

♪ I just adore a penthouse view

♪ Darling I love you but give me Park Avenue

♪ The chores ♪ The stores ♪ Fresh air

♪ Times Square ♪ You are my wife

♪ Goodbye city life

♪ Green Acres, we are there

- I wonder what Uncle Yiannos is sending us.

Maybe it's that oil painting of my father in his King suit.

Or maybe it's a box of assorted crown jewels.

- Lisa, I'm reading. - What are you reading?

- It's called The Finger of Suspicion.

- I didn't know you were a Finger story fan.

- It's a murder mystery. - Who did it?

- Well I don't know who did it.

I'm just getting to the part where

the detective is about to solve the crime.

- Why don't you peek at the ending?

- I don't want to peek at the ending.

- Do you want to talk about Uncle Yiannos' present?

- No.

- What do you think he's sending us?

- I just said I didn't want to...

- Remember the last present he sent us from Hungary?

- Yes, a large package of dirty laundry.

- Well, some people like to send important vines.

Uncle Yiannos likes to send important laundry.

- Excuse me, huh, I've got,

oh for... - What's the matter?

Didn't the fellow you thought did it didn't did it?

- I don't know who did it, I can't read it.

Somebody spilled some marmalade on the page.

Who would do a thing like that?

- Mr. Douglas, I just,

oh, are you reading The Finger of Suspicion?

- Yes, I... - Do you know who did it?

- No, somebody spilled marmalade on the last page.

- I'm sorry about that, I tried to clean it.

I wiped off mode of the ade

but I couldn't do anything about the marmal.

Anyway, you didn't miss anything.

The ending will still be a surprise.

- Oh good.

- Of course, it wasn't a surprise to me.

I knew all along the murderer was the guy with the lamp.

I guess you did too.

No, I guess you didn't. - You miserable...

- Before you hit me, I just came in to

tell you Uncle Yiannos' present is outside.

- I don't understand, who brought it?

- Nobody.

- Well then how did it get here?

- I guess it walked in by itself.

- He guesses it walked here.

- There it goes. - What the...

- That box must be awfully tired.

It's a long walk from Budapest.

- It didn't walk here from Budapest.

- There it goes again. - Get the crowbar.

- What are you gonna do, club it 'til it stands still?

- No, I'm gonna open it.

- Oliver, I think that box likes you.

- This is ridiculous, what could be in that...

- Here you are.

- I guess we're the only ones in

Hootersville who has a walking box.

What's in it? - How do I know?

I haven't opened it yet.

- Maybe you'd better not open it.

I saw this science fiction picture once where

this guy got a moving box and he opened it

and the Blob of Glurk came out.

It kept growing and pretty soon

it had covered the whole world.

- Our Uncle Yiannos wouldn't send us a box of Glurk.

Why not?

A man who would send you his dirty laundry

would send you anything.

- What happened?

- It bit me. - Then it can't be Glurk.

Glurk don't have any teeth.

It's a duck.

- It's Drobney.

- Aren't you gonna salute, Mr. Douglas?

- Why should I salute a duck?

- Why this isn't any duck, this is Drobney.

But it can't be Drobney, it must be his son.

- Would you mind telling me who Drobney is?

- We served together in

the Hungarian Underground during the war.

- You served with a duck?

- No, it must have been his father.

Look, he is wearing his father's medal, the Hungarian DDC.

- The Distinguished Duck Cross.

- Oh, you've heard of it? - No, I never heard...

- How did Drobney get his DDC, Mrs. Douglas?

- I remember it like it was yesterday.

We were in the farmhouse completely surrounded by Germans.

Things looked hopeless.

- Red Dog three, this is Pussycat two.

Come in, Red Dog, come in, Red Dog.

Sergeant Groenitz,

I can't raise General de Gaulle's headquarters.

- Well try his answering service.

How is the ammunition holding out?

- We have got three rounds of bullets

and four rounds of those meat balls you made for dinner.

I'm getting more hits with the meat balls.

- Well there isn't time to make anymore, they're closing in.

Take those in the kitchen and I'll take care of the Germans.

Here, take this.

Hurry up, there you go.

- This house is under... Oh.

Fraulein.

- Hello, dear.

- Excuse me, Fraulein.

We have a report that there are

Resistance people in this house.

- Do I look like I have Resistance?

- Oh, you are alone, Liepschen?

- I am always alone,

it's my sister who always goes to the war.

My mean stepmother makes me stay at home

and clean up the house and wear these old clothes,

which you might have noticed are falling apart.

- Yeah well you're not alone now, my little apple strudel.

- Not now, wait, there's somebody coming.

Wait for me upstairs in the attic, here take your gun.

There you are.

- You're under arrest.

Fraulein.

We have a report that there are Resistance.

- Do I look like I have any Resistance?

- No.

Are you alone? - I am always alone.

It's always my sister who gets to go to the war.

- Who cares about your sister?

- Not now, wait for me upstairs in the attic.

Here take your gun, there you are.

- Ah, Fraulein we had a report...

- I am all alone. - Good.

- In the attic.

- We still cannot get General de Gaulle on the radio.

- There is only one way to reach him, he's our only hope.

Corporal Drobney.

- What's he doing here?

I thought he was still on furlough.

- He knew we needed him.

Drobney, take this message to General de Gaulle.

You understand?

And remember, our lives are in your feet.

- In the attic.

- Did Drobney get the message to General de Gaulle in time?

- Before I could say one more "in the attic,"

the General arrived and saved us.

- Wow, what a story.

- Excuse an obvious question but

why didn't you use a carrier pigeon to take the message?

- That's exactly what the Germans thought we would do.

So while they were looking up in the air,

Drobney walked right by them.

- Wow, what a duck.

Tell us about when the General

gave him his medal, Mrs. Douglas.

- Nevermind that, look,

tell us what you did with those Germans in the attic.

- Well, that's another story.

- Hi Sam. - Oh, hi Haney.

- How about closing up the store for

a half hour and sharing a haircut with me?

- What do you mean share a haircut?

- Well over at the barbershop, they're having a sale.

Two haircuts for the price of one.

Now of course I don't need a haircut but since you do,

I thought I'd do the neighborly thing and get in on yours.

- Well that's darn nice of you but I don't need a haircut.

- Maybe you could have your head waxed

and I could have the free haircut.

- Haney, I can't afford a wax, a haircut.

Business is terrible, that's why I'm having this sale.

- Everybody in town's having a sale

but what good does it do?

Nobody in the Valley has any money.

- What we gotta do is figure

some way to attract outside money here.

Remember the crowds that used to flock in on weekends?

- Yeah, too bad Knute Kalle's two-headed rooster died.

- There must be another way to bring

people here besides a two-headed rooster.

- What do you think about havin'

'em play the World Series here?

- The World Series?

- They could play in Nutley's Alcove,

that holds close to 200 people.

- That's ridiculous.

- How about holding the Olympics?

We never had them here. - Never had who here?

- The Olympics.

- Oh, then you're missin' something.

They're the best rock and roll group west of Pecos.

Come to think of it,

West of the Pecos isn't a bad group either.

- Hank, Haney is talkin' about the Olympic Games.

- The Olympic Games, have they got a guy

with electric hair and a green beard on drums?

- We're trying to think of an

attraction that'll bring people into town.

- Oh, how about Sophia Loren on drums?

- Say, have you fellas heard the big news?

- The Big News, they're a good group too.

- What news, Eb?

- Drobney is staying with the Douglases.

- Who is Drobney?

- He's the son of a famous war hero.

His father was given the DDC by General de Gaulle

for carrying a message through a whole Division of Germans.

- Sam, I think this is what we're looking for.

- They're going to have what?

- A Drobney day in Hooterville.

That's the most ridiculous...

- Now you woke him up with your yelling.

- I don't care...

- When everybody heard about the son of a famous war hero

being in town, they decided to have a celebration for him.

- He says he'll be there.

- It's gonna be a big thing.

- They had a Drobney day for Drobney's father in Budapest.

- They do a lot of strange things in Budapest.

- It was a big celebration.

They have the Bourgeois Ballet

and the Canadian Mounties Marching Band.

- Well the Chamber of Commerce has big plans for this one.

There's a meeting going on right now in the high school.

- Eb, did you tell 'em Drobney was a duck?

- No.

- Why not? - They didn't ask.

- I better go straighten things out before they go too far.

- Now here are the suggestions

the committee's made for our Drobney day celebration.

The Bourgeois Ballet, the Canadian Mounties Marching Band

and Carol Bakewell's All-Girl Bell-Ringers.

- Mr. Drucker, I'd like to... - You're out of order.

- Well I just want to tell you something.

- Will you sit down? - Look...

- This meeting is for Chamber of Commerce

members and since you're not a member,

you'll have to wait your non-Chamber turn.

- We're trying to bring money into town.

- Yes.

- Why don't you find a friend and go

over to the barbershop and get a haircut?

- I don't need a haircut.

- I think that since Drobney's the son of

a Hungarian war hero, we oughta get an American

war hero to give him a personal welcome.

- Like who?

- Well there's only one great American war hero I know.

Yeah, John Wayne.

- It seems to me we oughta get

somebody important like the Governor.

- I think we should get a military man.

- How about the Lieutenant-Governor?

- That's a good idea.

- The Lieutenant-Governor isn't a military man.

- All those in favor of getting the Lieutenant-Governor,

raise their hands.

Motion's carried, well I guess that about wraps things up.

- Wait a minute,

you can't have this celebration for Drobney.

- What's the matter, you got something against war heroes?

- Of course not but...

- Didn't your wife tell you how Drobney's

father got that message to General de Gaulle?

- Yes, but...

- Did she tell you what happened

with those Germans in her attic?

- I didn't come here to talk

about the Germans in my wife's attic.

Well I mean, I...

- I hear this Drobney is the son of

the Count that your wife was madly in love with.

- He's not the son of any Count, Drobney's a dumb duck.

- And you ain't got no call to bad-mouth a war hero.

- My humblest apologies, have your Drobney day.

Get the Lieutenant-Governor.

I'm sure he'll be thrilled to meet your guest of honor.

- When is the Lieutenant-Governor's plane due?

- It just landed.

He'll be comin' through the gate in a couple of minutes.

- Hello there.

- Gentlemen,

you've got a beautiful day for your celebration.

- Nevermind that, where is Drobney?

- He went in the, to wash his feet.

- Well I'd better get him.

- The Lieutenant-Governor's gettin' off the plane.

- Where is Drobney?

- There's nobody in there but a duck washing his feet.

That's Drobney.

- Mr. Douglas, what kind of a joke is this?

- It's no joke, ask my wife.

- That is Drobney.

Well, the son of Drobney's.

- Excuse me, I'm Lieutenant-Governor Clyde.

Are you gentlemen the welcoming committee from Hooterville?

- Yes Your Honor,

we're the welcoming committee and this is...

- Well gentlemen, I am very glad to meet you.

I'm very glad to meet you indeed.

Where is the guest of honor?

He couldn't...

- There he is.

- You know him?

- I certainly do.

Oh, he's the son of Drobney all right.

Why, he's the spitting image of his father.

- You knew his father?

- I was in General de Gaulle's headquarters

when he staggered in with the message

that saved those people in the farmhouse.

- I was in that farmhouse.

- You're not Lisa Groenitz, the Underground fighter?

- That's me.

- It's an honor to meet you.

Everybody in the ETO heard about you.

Say, what did you do with those Germans in the attic?

- Well you see, I... - Yes?

- This is my husband. - Oh yes, the Count.

- I didn't marry the Count.

- Well I'm glad to meet you anyway, Mr. Groenitz.

- The name is Douglas.

- Well if we're being informal, you can call me Harry.

- No, I mean my last name...

- We'd better get going or

we'll be late for the festivities.

We've got a car outside. - Thank you.

Would you do me the honor of riding with me, Mrs. Groenitz?

- Douglas. - Yes, and I'm Harry.

It's nice to meet you. - You ride with Drobney.

Drobney.

Shut up.

Mr. Douglas?

Mr. Douglas?

- Oh, for...

I'm coming.

- Mr. Douglas.

- I was just going to take a bath.

- Look at this, it's a Drobney day

special edition with pictures and everything.

- I'm not interested. - Look right here.

There's a picture of Drobney receiving

a medal from the Lieutenant-Governor.

- I don't care...

- And there's one of the Governor riding in the parade

with Lisa Groenitz, the famed Underground fighter.

- Her name isn't... - They even mentioned you.

Douglas Groenitz.

- Douglas Groenitz?

I'll read it in the tub.

Now will you get out of that bathtub?

I ran that water for myself.

Oh, you miserable...

Drob old boy, why don't you finish your bath

and then take a nice, long walk in the woods?

It's a perfect day for it.

- Oliver, I've been looking everywhere for Drobney.

Do you know where he is?

- Yes, I think he went out for a little walk in the woods.

And why would he do that?

What was that?

- What was what?

- Mr. Douglas, do you want to go hunting?

The duck hunting season opened today.

- Oh, you... - Oliver, Drobney's out there.

- He is?

I'll bet you sent him out there to

get even with him for swimmin' in your bath.

- Eb, I... - We gotta find him.

Drobney!

- Oliver, how could you do such a thing,

sending him out there to be shustered?

- There's nothing to worry about, he's a big war hero.

He can dig himself a foxhole or a duck hole or...

- Oliver, you're going out there and find him, now come on.

- Okay, on one condition. - What is that?

- You tell me what happened with those Germans in the attic.

- Fine, first you find Drobney and then I tell you.

Oh Drobney, you're safe.

Oliver.

Let him go.

What's sauce for the duck is goose for the gander.

Oliver.

- I looked all over those woods for three hours.

I couldn't find a trace of Drobney.

- Oh, that's all right, I'm sorry.

- Oh don't worry about it, I'm sure he'll be all...

I'm soaked.

I'm gonna take a hot bath.

Drobney!

What are you doing here, you web-footed little...

- Oliver, let Drobney finish his bath.

- Why should I let him take his bath?

I've been running all over the town looking for the little...

- I couldn't find Drobney anywhere.

- Oh he's all right, he never left home.

- Thank goodness.

He might've gotten swept away by the flood.

- What flood?

- You saw the rain.

- The weather forecast said it was a brief shower.

- Yeah, the last time they had a shower like that,

half of Hooterville floated away.

- I tell ya, it's nothing but a brief shower.

Well at least it stopped raining.

- Oliver, how long are we going to stay up here on the roof?

- Somebody oughta be along soon.

- Yeah, that's what you said when

we moved up here six days ago.

- If we could just get word to town,

let them know we're stuck up here.

- Drobney will save us.

- Now how could that...

- Do you have a pen? - Yes, I sure do.

- What are you gonna do? - You have a piece of paper?

- Yeah right here, listen,

take the X page out of my address book.

It only has six names on it. - Six?

- Hey look, there comes Drobney.

- Drobney.

- Come on boy. - Come on.

Drobney, now take this message and get help.

Go on, go on get help, go on Drobney.

Get help just like your father did.

- You're wasting your time. - See you soon.

- Boy, there goes a brave duck.

- It says the worst flood in the state's history.

Thank goodness it's over.

- Oh Oliver, it's been three weeks.

What do you suppose happened to Drobney?

- Well offhand I'd say he copped out.

- They said his father wouldn't do it

either when he went for the French Underground.

- Lisa, let's forget about dopey duck, I've had enough...

- It's Drobney.

And you said he copped out. - Where's he been?

He left three weeks ago.

- Wait a second, there is something in his pouch.

There you are.

Listen to this, it's from the French Underground.

"Your message for help received.

"Send money and we will send help.

"P.S. what do you want us to do

"with the four Germans in the attic?"

This has been a Filmways presentation, darling.