Original subtitles

- Lisa, did you see my...

- It's in the 3rd drawer from the bottom.

- How do you know what I'm looking for?

- Because whenever you don't know where something is,

then that's where it is.

- Well I'm looking for my hammer.

What is that?

- The Royal Cook's Book.

This are the recipes my mother, the queen,

used when we lived in the palace.

Oh it's full of all kinds of exotic recipes

that were only fit to grace the table of a king.

- What king was that?

- My father!

- Oh yes, yes, Louis the zero.

- My father was a real gourmet.

He liked to have delicacies from all over the world.

Oh, this one was his favorite.

Stuffed kangaroo tail.

- How do you stuff a kangaroo tail?

- Through the pouch.

- I oughta know better.

- You take 22 pounds of chicken liver

and you stuff...

- I, I don't care to hear the details.

- But I'm trying to find something special

to make for your birthday.

- My birthday is three weeks away.

- Well I thought if I start practicing now,

it will be perfect by the time it comes around.

Oh here is a recipe that was a favorite

with royalty from all over Europe.

- What is that?

- Elephant stew.

- How do you stew an elephant?

- Well you fill up the moat with champagne.

Then you throw the elephant in and in two days

he's stewed to the tusks.

Where are you going?

- I'm going to get the hammer

and hit myself on the head with it.

♪ Green Acres is the place to be

♪ Farm living is the life for me

♪ Land spreading out so far and wide

♪ Keep Manhattan, just give me that countryside

♪ New York is where I'd rather stay

♪ I get allergic smelling hay

♪ I just adore a penthouse view

♪ Darling I love you but give me Park Avenue

♪ The chores ♪ The stores ♪ Fresh air

♪ Times Square ♪ You are my wife

♪ Goodbye, city life

♪ Green Acres we are there

- Oliver.

How would you like this for your birthday dinner?

Philly of Tartar Tongue.

- No, no thanks.

How 'bout cooking my favorite, spaghetti and meatballs?

- Spaghetti with meatballs,

would that be under S for spaghetti

or M for meat or B for balls.

- Why don't you try S for spaghetti?

- S, sperm whale soup?

Seaweed a la mode?

Shark tooth souffle?

- But is there a spaghetti recipe in there?

- I don't see one here.

You'll have to have something else.

- There's nothing to making spaghetti.

There are probably a couple of cookbooks in the kitchen

with a recipe.

- I'll see if I can find one.

In the meanwhile, have a happy birthday.

- My birthday's not for three week.

Ooo!

Lisa, I've got good.

- What's the matter?

- Are you boiling laundry?

- No, it's spaghetti.

Would you like to taste it?

- How long did ya cook that?

- Two hours and 23 minutes.

So far.

- So far?

- I want to be sure it's well done.

- Oh Lisa, Lisa, you don't boil spaghetti that long.

Didn't you read the directions on the box?

- I couldn't, I dropped the box in the pot.

- Well Lisa, you can't eat that mess.

- I'll make another batch.

That's why I'm practicing.

So that it'll be perfect

by the time your birthday comes.

- Hey, don't throw that in the sink,

you'll stop up every pipe within five miles.

- Well what should I do with it?

- Bury it and be sure you stick

a silver knife through its heart.

- How do you do madam, I.

- Who's at the door Arnold?

Tell him we don't want any.

- Look, would you tell.

- I'm up here.

- Oh excuse me, I thought you were the pig.

I mean uh... - That's alright.

- That was a pig, wasn't it?

- Yes, that's Arnold Ziffel.

He came over to watch the television.

- To what?

- He says it's broken and his father won't give him money

to have it fixed.

Oh well.

- What can I do for you?

- Oh is your husband home?

- What kind of a crack is that?

- Oh no, I only meant, I'd like to talk to him.

- He's not here.

- Oh, well maybe you can help me.

My name is Lester Luster Junior.

- Very pleased to meet you Mr. Junior.

- No, no, I'm Lester Luster, you see my,

my father is Lester Luster and when I was born

they named me Lester Luster,

so he is Lester Luster Senior,

and I am Lester Luster Junior.

- That's a very interesting story,

but I don't think I can help you, Mr. Junior.

- No you don't under.

Look would you please go tell.

- Arnold the cat food commercial is on.

He likes to watch them.

He's learning how to meow.

- Meow?

Maybe I'd better come back a little later.

- Oh no, no, that's alright Mr. Lester.

- Luster, I'm, I'm with the advertising department

of Luster Paints.

- Do you know anything about cooking spaghetti?

- Well I can... - Come with me, please.

- My wife ordered all of these?

- Yeah, she says she's practicing spaghetti

for your birthday.

- Well that's not...

- By the way when is your birthday.

- Not for three weeks!

- Well she oughta learn it by then.

- I don't think she...

- By the way, did that fella come out to see ya?

- What fellow?

- Well his name is Lisser, or is it Losser?

- What did he want?

- No, I think it was Lancaster.

No, no, it wasn't Lancaster.

But it did begin with an L.

- Well what did he...

- No, Lisser Mister, that's it.

Carl Lisser, no it wasn't Carl.

- Yes that's very...

- No, it wasn't Lisser Mister either.

Well let's see it was something something, Junior.

Well no it couldn't have been something something

because it began with an L.

- Mr. Drucker, what did the man want?

- Oh, you mean Mister Linklaster?

No, it wasn't Linklaster.

- Well what did he want?

- Well he's with the Luster Paint Company.

- That's it, Luster Lester.

- Oh fine.

- Now he's with their advertising department

and he wants to before and after you.

- Before and...

- He's looking for a house they can take pictures of

before they paint it and after they paint it.

- Oh, I see. - Yeah, he asked me

if there was an old and dilapidated house around here

and when he said old and dilapidated,

I thought of you.

Well I didn't think of you personally.

- Oh I understand.

- Anyway, he said they'd paint your house for nothing

if they can use the pictures in their ads.

- Well, I'd like to talk to him.

- How long has this been cooking?

- An hour and 15 minutes.

- Oh that's good.

My husband said it shouldn't cook too long.

- I don't think you should...

- Would you hand me that fork please?

How does this look to you?

- Not like any spaghetti I've ever seen.

- Well, back to the drawing board.

This time I'm going to try... - Lisa!

Here's your spaghetti.

- Oh thank you darling.

Oh Oliver, this gentleman has been waiting to see you.

This is Mr. Luster.

This is my husband.

- Lister, uh Luster, Luster.

- Mr. Luster, Luster has been waiting to talk to you.

- Uh huh, how do you do?

Mr. Drucker told me that you.

What's he doing here?

- He came over to watch TV.

He's learning to meow from the cat food commercial.

- How could he...

- Oh would you like a saucer of milk?

Oh, he'd rather have a banana.

There are some in the refrigerator, help yourself.

He always gets so hungry when he watches TV.

I think this time I'm going to try to cook it

with some more spaghetti.

- That's not the way to...

- Excuse me, could we go someplace and talk

where it's saner, uh quieter?

- Yeah, come on in the living room.

- What happened?

- Anybody ever tell that stupid pig

that when he peels a banana

he should throw the peel in the garbage can.

- Alright, we'll take a picture of the house

the way it is now,

then we'll paint it any color you wish

and photograph it after it's been painted.

- And there'll be no charge for the painting?

- Oh none whatsoever.

All we ask is the right to use the before and after pictures

in all our advertising.

- Well that's fair enough.

- We'll have our photographer here

first thing tomorrow morning

and as soon as he gets his pictures we'll start painting.

- Fine.

- Oh by the way, I almost forgot.

Here's a chart of all our colors

if you'd pick out the one you like.

- Oh thank you, I'll show them to my wife.

I'll see you in the morning.

Lisa!

Lisa.

- Did Mr. Looseleaf leave?

- Yeah, Mr. Looseleaf left.

Now look, they're gonna paint the house tomorrow.

Here, pick out the color you like.

- Oh, is it quarter past yet?

- Quarter past what?

- Anything.

I put a batch a spaghetti up at half past.

- Half past what?

- I don't remember.

- Well how could you put...

- I wonder if I should take the spaghetti off the stove?

- No, no, it's already too late.

It's already escaped.

Uh no no, don't touch that.

It might attack you.

- If you don't mind.

Oh that's alright.

- Mack, I'm trying to take a picture.

- Of what?

- The house.

- Well there's something wrong with your camera.

- Yeah, see.

You know the house is upside down.

Yeah, if you want the picture to come out right,

now you're gonna have to turn the camera upside down,

or the house.

- Thanks for your suggestion.

- Oh that's alright.

Always glad to help out a fellow, uh,

what's that thing again?

- A camera.

- Oh yeah, always glad to help a fellow camera out.

Well nice talking to ya.

- Will ya please get outta the way?

- Sorry.

Morning Mr. Douglas.

- Will ya please close the door?

- Sorry!

Mr. Kimball.

- Oh hi Mr. Douglas.

Say, what are you doing up there?

- Stand up.

- Well I didn't wanna ruin the picture.

- Hello there Mr. Kimball.

- Oh hello Mrs. Douglas.

I brought the spaghetti recipe you asked for.

My mother picked it up in Italy.

Or was it my father she picked up?

No, it couldn't have been my father.

He didn't even know how to make spaghetti.

- That does make any... - Here we are.

To one kangaroo, add 22 pounds of chicken liver and.

No that's her recipe for stuffed kangaroo tail.

- That's the recipe my mother uses.

- Oh, does she know how to make elephant stew?

- You mean where you fill the moat with champagne and...

- We didn't have a moat.

So my mother filled up with the bathtub with vodka.

She uses the baby elephants.

- I guess they're more tender.

- Did your mother ever make sperm whale soup?

- Every Thanksgiving.

- Look, if you two will excuse me.

- Mack, will ya please get off the porch?

- This is a very nice shade of blue.

It matches Oliver's eyes.

- Oh that'll come out real...

- Maybe the yellow would be better.

- That's a good choice, I'll-

- No, no, I like the red the best.

- You're not gonna paint the house red?

- No, this is the color I want to make the spaghetti sauce.

- Look, forget the spaghetti sauce.

Pick out a color so they can paint the house.

- How 'bout this green one?

- Oh that's real nice.

- I don't like it.

- What's wrong with it?

- It's too dark.

- Oh that's no problem.

I'll just have the painter make it a shade lighter.

- How's that lady?

- Oh it's beautiful.

- Good.

- But that's not it.

- Lisa, can't you make up your mind

so that they can paint the house?

- Well if you're nervous, why don't you go into the kitchen

and have a couple of bats?

- Why don't we all go?

- If you could just describe the color you want.

- Have you ever been in the Countess Franscetti's bathroom?

- Not lately, no.

- In her shower there is a soap dish.

- And you want the same shade as the soap dish.

- No, as the soap.

- Why don't we all break for lunch?

- Do you have anything here we could use as a sample?

- No.

Oh wait a minute,

I had a dress made to match the Countess' soap.

- A dress made to?

- Could we look at your soap dress?

Er, the dress that... - I'll get it for you.

No I can't get it for you.

- Why not?

- Because it's at the dry cleaners in Pixley.

- I'll get it for you!

Good afternoon.

- Good afternoon, may I help you?

- Yes, my name is Douglas.

- You have suit here.

- No, not a suit, a green dress.

- Oh?

- It's my wife's dress.

- That's what they always say.

- Look, will you just get it for me?

- Yes sir, you said the name was Douglas?

- That's right, Mrs. Douglas.

- Hmm, I don't seem to be able to find it Mr. Douglas.

- Now see here.

- Oh, here we are.

Would you care to try it on here

to make sure it didn't shrink?

- Just give me the dress.

- Yes sir.

Say, this is an unusual shade.

I haven't seen this color green since I took a shower

in the Countess Franscetti's bathroom.

- There, how's that?

- It needs a little more>

- It doesn't need a little more anything.

It's perfect!

- How do you know?

Did you ever take a shower in the Countess' bathroom?

- No, but the man at the cleaning store did.

- Let's try it on the house.

What the?

- The after's just the same as the before.

- What's wrong with your paint?

- There's nothing wrong with my paint.

It's your house.

- Try it again.

- Must be alive.

It's eating up the paint faster than I can put it on.

- Now how about priming it with an undercoat?

- This paint doesn't need an undercoat.

- Try it again!

- You used all this paint?

- On the one board.

- I don't believe it.

- You try it.

- There, what's wrong with that?

- I'll open up another can.

- Wait a second.

What we need to do is load this wood up with paint.

Get ya a spray gun, that'll do it.

- Oliver, where are you going?

- I have to go into.

What's that?

- It's an experimental meat ball

to go with the spaghetti.

Would you like to taste it?

- Look, will ya please forget the.

You can plug it in over there.

- What are they plugging in?

- Oh they're gonna try spraying the house

with a spray gun.

- Ah.

- Stop it!

You're coming through the wall!

Lisa, would you look at me?

- Nevermind you.

Look at my meatball.

- I just don't know what to do.

We've undercoated it, sealed it, sprayed it.

Still won't take any paint.

- Why don't you just forget the whole thing?

- Mr. Douglas, there is no house in the world

that the Luster Paint Company cannot paint.

- Mr. Douglas, you're not gonna paint this house, are you?

- Yes we're... - You would deface

this replica of Robert E. Lee's birthplace?

- Mr. Haney the paint won't stay on.

- Oh.

When you put it on does it go?

- That's right.

- Oh.

Is this man a union painter?

- Sure.

- That's your trouble.

A union man can't paint a Southern mansion.

You need a confederate painter.

- That's the worst...

- What kinda wood is this?

- I believe that is a $32 question.

- 32 dol... - No, I am in error.

That question was reduced to $28

during our August white sale.

- Mr. Haney would you just tell us what kinda wood this is?

- Uh may I have your check first?

- No.

- Very well, I'll answer it on credit.

This house is constructed

of genuine Mississippi chiltling wood.

- Chitling?

- Noted for its ability to cool a house in the summer

and heat the house in the winter.

Now this is done by opening and closing the wood pores.

- The what?

- The wood pores!

When the pores are open, the wood breathes freely,

cooling the house.

And when they're shut, they act like a stuffed up nose.

- Look, how can we paint the house?

- Well, you have to close the pores.

- How do you do that?

- I'll show you.

May I have your pore key, Mr. Douglas?

- I don't have a pore key.

- You don't have a pore key?

- No!

- Very well, let's see if mine will fit.

Do you happen to know where your pore key hole is located?

- I don't have a pore key hole!

- Well excuse me.

Oh, here it is.

Now I'll just close the pores and,

hey, I see the trouble.

Your pore key spring is broken.

- Mr. Haney, that's the most...

- However, all is not lost.

I have a spare pore key spring at home.

Which I will install for the poultry sum

of $982.

- Get out of here!

I'm sorry to waste your time.

- I don't see the pore key spring.

- There isn't any.

- There's only one solution I can think of.

Can we take one of the boards

back to the laboratory with us?

Maybe one of the experts can figure out

how to treat the wood so it can be painted.

- Be my guest.

- I don't know why we have to go all the way over

to the county seat for dinner.

- Well that's the only

Italian restaurant I know around here.

- And if you'd just be patient,

I'm sure I could learn how to.

- Who's that?

- Oh hi, come in.

- Evening Mr. Douglas.

Just thought you'd like to see

what our experts were able to do.

- Oh, say, that's perfect.

Ha, ha.

Well, how'd you manage that?

- Well they, fixed the pore key spring.

- The pore...

- I know, but that's the only way I can explain it,

you see this wood is very porous and it does breathe.

Well, they managed to close the pores

so that it'll hold the paint.

- Oh that's great.

- But there's only one small problem.

- What's that?

- Listen.

- What's that?

- Well when they close the pores,

the wood can't breathe, you see.

And so it keeps gasping for breath.

- I never heard of anything.

- So you'll have to make a choice about your house,

Mr. Douglas.

You can either have an unpainted breather

or a painted gasper.

- Well I'd rather have a,

an unpainted breather.

- Okay, but I'd appreciate it

if you'd kinda forget about this whole thing.

Our reputation.

- Yeah, I understand.

- Oh, hello there.

- Good evening.

- You're just in time.

- Would you like to have a nice spaghetti dinner with us?

- Eh, no thank you.

I've suffered enough.

Good night.

- What did he mean by that?

- Oh, nothing, nothing.

Come on.

- Happy birthday darling.

It's not my birthday for three weeks.

- Well a little pre birthday shnot never hurt anybody.

- I wonder when they're gonna bring our dinner.

- I don't know why we had to come here.

- I just thought it'd be a good idea

if you saw what spaghetti is supposed to look like.

- But I... - Here we are.

Spaghetti and meatball.

- You call that spaghetti and meatballs?

- Sorry Mack, we just got a new Hungarian cook.

- Hungarian?

- Where are you going?

- To say hello to the cook.

He may be my mother.

This has been a Filmways presentation darling.