Original subtitles

- No, we can't go to New York right now.

- Why not?

- Because I can't leave the farm.

This is the busiest time of the year for me.

- That's not the real reason why you don't want to go.

- All right, you tell me the reason.

- It's on account of the red-headed

widow moved in next door.

- There's no red-headed widow next door,

is there?

- How do I know?

I never go next door, I never go anywhere.

I never even get to go to New York.

- Lisa, why are you so anxious to go?

- Because it's Peggy Rexford's 25th wedding anniversary.

- Wait a second, she just got married a year ago.

- That's right.

- Then how can this be her 25th anniversary?

- Well, she was married to her first husband nine years,

to her second husband four years,

to her third husband seven years,

to her fourth husband three years,

and to this one one year, which makes 25 years.

- 25 years.

- She's having a party at the Waldorf

with orchestra and champaign,

and there's going to be a big crowd there.

- Oh, all of her ex-husbands coming?

- But Oliver, she wrote on the invitation that

she particularly wanted you in the party.

- Well, that's very nice, but tell her we can't go.

- But it's only for the weekend,

you could leave the farm for that long.

- It's not the farm I'm thinking about.

It's the red-headed widow next door

- There comes a time in every woman's life

when she looks at her husband and she says,

"Why did I marry him?"

I wish it just wouldn't happen to me so often.

♪ Green Acres is the place to be

♪ Farm livin' is the life for me

♪ Land spreadin' out so far and wide

♪ Keep Manhattan just give me that countryside

♪ New York is where I'd rather stay

♪ I get allergic smelling hay

♪ I just adore a penthouse view

♪ Dah-ling I love you but give me Park Avenue

♪ The chores ♪ The stores ♪ Fresh air

♪ Times Square ♪ You are my wife

♪ Good bye city life

♪ Green Acres we are there

- Lisa?

- Is there no end to your foul mood?

- What?

- First, no trip to New York

and then you lock me into the closet.

- Well, I didn't know you were in there.

- There used to be a time where you

knew every minute where I was.

I guess the honeymoon is over.

- What are you doing?

- Unpacking from the late defuncted New York trip.

- You mean you were all packed

even though I said we couldn't go?

- Well, I thought I might be able to change your mind.

- Lisa, maybe we can go in a month.

- That will be too late.

Peggy's anniversary party is this weekend.

- We can go to her next anniversary party,

or her next wedding, whichever comes first.

- I don't wish to discuss the matter any further.

- Fine.

- Oh, would you mind hanging this

in the closet on your way out?

- Oh, ah ha, uh, Lisa?

- Hmm?

- I've been thinking.

- Oh, yes.

- You oughta wear something heavier.

The nights are getting much colder.

- You know, I've been thinking about what you said,

and you're right, absolutely right.

- I'm right about what?

- Oh, I wasn't talking to you, Mr. Douglas.

- Yeah, the way things are today, a fellow should.

- Eb, who are you talking to?

- Charlie.

Did you want me to do something, Mr. Douglas?

- Yeah, go out to the cornfield and start irrigating.

- Yes, Sir.

You want to come along, Charlie?

- Just a second, who are you talking to?

- Oh, I'm sorry, you haven't met him yet.

Charlie, this is Mr. Douglas.

Mr. Douglas, shake hands with Charlie.

- Where is he?

- Sittin' right there.

- Eb, you feel all right?

- Fine, why?

- Because there isn't anybody.

- Now, you did it.

You stuck your finger in Charlie's eye.

- Oh, come on.

- You all right, Charlie?

- Look, Eb!

- No, he didn't do it on purpose.

You stay right here and I'll get a cold rag for it

- Oh, Eb, did you start irrigating the corn yet?

- No, Sir.

- Why not?

- I told you, I had to put a cold rag on Charlie's eye.

- Eb, will you?

- Ah, you'll be glad to know he's feeling better and uh,

Charlie, what are you doing here?

I told you to lie down and take it easy.

- I think you should lie down and take it.

- No, it doesn't look too bloodshot to me.

How does it look to you, Mr. Douglas?

- Will you stop this nonsense?

There's nobody here.

- Now, you scared him.

It's okay, Charlie.

- Look, Eb!

- Please keep your voice down, Charlie's sensitive.

Look, he's shaking like a leaf.

- Eb, do me a favor, start irrigating.

- Yes, Sir.

What?

Oh, Charlie says it's the wrong time of day to irrigate.

- I don't care what Charlie says.

- He's shaking again.

- Out!

- Come on, Charlie.

- And he keeps talking to this Charlie.

- Well, what's wrong with that?

- He isn't there.

- How do you know?

Just because you don't see him

that doesn't mean he isn't there.

- He isn't.

- Then whose finger did you stick your eye in?

- I didn't stick my eye in his finger,

uh, my, my finger in his eye.

- Then he was there.

- No!

- Do you feel all right?

- Yes, I feel perfectly all right.

It's Eb that's blown his fuse.

- That's the way it always starts.

First, you see people who aren't there

and then you blame it on somebody else.

- Look, I don't want to talk about it.

- Talk about what?

- Well, that little, uh, whatever it was you think you saw.

- Oh, you mean Charlie.

I just wanted to find out if it'd be all right

if he bunked with me for a few days.

- No, it's not, I don't want him around here,

or not around here, whatever.

- I already told him he could stay.

He unpacked his suitcase.

- So, did I.

- What about Charlie?

- Tell him to pack and be on his way.

- He can't leave, he sent his suit out to the cleaners.

- Oh, he sounds like such a neat little fellow.

- Lisa!

- How would Charlie like to have dinner with us?

- Well, that's very nice of you,

but Charlie's afraid to come in the house.

Mr. Douglas yells at him and that starts him to shaking.

- Why don't I fix a plate and you take it out to him?

- That'll be nice, I'll go tell him.

Oh, uh, be sure and not put any potatoes on it.

Charlie's got a weight problem.

- Of all the, Lisa, you're not really going

to fix a plate for that figment of Eb's imagination?

- Oliver, figments are people too.

Hi, Mr. Douglas.

- Hi, Mr. Kimball.

- You feeling better?

- Oh, I feel fine.

- Good, Mrs. Douglas just told me you'd blown your cork.

- Blown my?

- Yeah, she said you saw this little man

standing around in his underwear,

waiting for his suit to get back from the cleaners.

- I didn't see any.

- Oh, how are you today, Eleanor?

Oh, well, that's good, yeah.

I like a cow that doesn't complain.

- Fine.

- Yeah, the department's been doing a lot of research

on a cow's disposition in relation

to the amount of milk they give,

and they found that a happy cow

gives a lot more milk than an unhappy one.

So, they suggest that to keep your cow happy,

you give her a big kiss every morning before you milk her.

Does that answer your question?

- I didn't ask any.

- Of course, when you kiss your cow,

you've got to be sure the bull isn't around

because boy, they get real jealous.

Yeah, they stick out their horns

on the side of their head and they paw the earth and.

Oh, that reminds me, my mother sends her regards.

- Uh, wait, I don't understand the connection

between your mother and the bull.

- Oh, well, they're second cousins.

No, that was my father.

No, my father.

- Hi, Mr. Kimball.

- Oh, hello, Eb.

- Uh, where are you going?

- Charlie wants me to take him swimming.

Charlie, is that your friend?

- He's not my.

- Oh, you haven't met Charlie yet.

Charlie, this is Mr. Kimball, our county agent.

- Glad to meet you, Charlie.

- Oh, he's not there, he's over there.

- Oh, there you are, gee, I like your surfboard.

- Yeah, he bought that in Hawaii.

- Yeah, well, that's a real.

- Oh, he's not there, he's over behind you.

- Boy, certainly moves around a lot, doesn't he?

- Come on now, let's go.

Well, uh, so long, Charlie.

He's a nice little fellow, how long have you known him?

- Oh, I don't know him.

- But you let him stay here?

- Why not?

- Mr. Douglas, I don't know how to tell you this,

but I didn't see anybody.

- You didn't?

- No.

- You didn't see a fat little fellow there

in green bathing trunks?

- No.

- Mr. Kimball, I think you've been working too hard.

- Oliver, why didn't you go swimming with them?

- With whom?

- With Eb and Charlie.

- Oh, there's no Eb, uh, uh, Charlie.

- Oliver, are you sure you're feeling all right?

- Nothing wrong with me.

- Well, how come that you saw

a little fat man wearing green bathing trunks?

- I just made that up.

- Are you sure that you're all right?

- I feel fine.

- Oliver, maybe you better.

- I don't want to discuss it any further.

- Howdy, folks.

- Hi.

- Oh, hello there, Mr. Haney.

- Doggone, Mrs. Douglas, you look as prim

as a peach pit in a pound of persimmons.

- Mr. Haney.

- You don't look too good.

- Look there's nothing.

- Is Eb here?

- No, he went swimming.

- Oh, where's Charlie?

- Charlie went with him.

- How come he didn't go with you?

I thought he was your friend.

- Not my friend.

- I wonder if you would do me a favor?

Would you give Charlie this suit?

- Suit?

- Hold it up, you're getting it wrinkled.

- There's no suit here.

- Then why are you holding it up?

- Well, because he.

- Eb asked me to pick it up at the dry cleaners for him.

Hey, they did a nice job, didn't they?

- Mr. Haney, will you?

- Oh, by the way, I laid out 2.50.

- 2.50?

- Careful, you're getting it all dirty.

- Shall I get the brush?

- No, it's all right.

They don't make plaid like that in this country.

I wonder if Charlie got it in Scotland.

Now, about the money?

- I'll get it.

- Let him get it from Charlie.

- Get what from Charlie?

- The 2.50 for cleaning nothing.

- Oh, say, they did a great job on your suit, Charlie.

They got all the tomato stains out and uh,

hey, wait a second, this ain't Charlie's suit.

- I must have taken the wrong one off of the rack.

I'll be back with Charlie's suit later.

- Okay, come on, Charlie, let's go.

- Oh, wait a minute, Eb, I want to talk to you.

- Yes, Sir, now look, Charlie.

- Alone.

- Oh, you'd better run along.

He's cold, turn the heater on in my room.

Uh, now what was it you wanted to talk about, Mr. Douglas?

- Eb, I wanted.

- Hang your trunks out the window, they'll dry faster.

- Will you stop it!

- I don't want him to catch a cold.

- Eb, what is this bit about Charlie?

- Bit?

- Well, you know as well as I do there's no Charlie?

You made him up for some reason, now why, what do you want?

- I don't want anything.

- Then why are you bugging me with this Charlie?

- I didn't realize he was bugging you.

If you want, I'll tell him to get

a haircut and shave off his beard.

- Eb, I'm going to give you a choice,

either Charlie goes or you go.

- If I go, can Charlie stay?

- Beat it!

- Oh, Oliver, why does Charlie have to go?

- Why does Charlie have to go?

- I asked you first.

- Lisa, I think it.

- You don't like him because he's got long hair and a beard.

- Yes, that's the reason.

Now, I don't want to hear anymore about it.

- Watch it, watch it, you almost sat on Natasha.

- Natasha?

- Yes, isn't she cute?

- Lisa, I'm in no mood for anymore of this nonsense.

- This isn't any nonsense.

If you can have a little friend, I don't see why I can't.

- For the last time, he is not.

- Excuse me, Charlie wants to say goodbye.

- Bye.

- Charlie says that even though

you're so mean, he, hey, who's she?

- What?

- This is Natasha.

Natasha, meet Eb.

- How do you do?

This is Charlie?

Hey, she's blushing.

- She led a very sheltered life.

- Excuse me, would anybody like to say hello to Homer?

- To who?

- My little friend.

- Oh, I didn't see him standing there, hello, Homer.

Does Homer know Natasha?

- No, Homer just came in.

- Oh, Homer, I'd like you to meet Natasha and Charlie.

Is Homer an artist?

- How do I know?

- He must be, he's wearing a barret.

- Oh, you!

- Would you three like to go in and watch television?

- Yeah, come on, gang, I'll turn it on for you.

Ah, just a second, Charlie, you let Natasha go first.

Natasha, Homer, okay, Charlie.

- Do you think they will stay for dinner?

- I really don't care, I won't be here.

- Well, where are you going?

- To the nearest bar and when I come back,

the three of them can ride on my pink elephant.

- Well, let's see what else your wife wanted.

- You mean this order is for us?

- Yeah, your wife said you have three house guests.

- No, we don't.

- Natasha, Charlie, and Homer, did I ever meet any of them?

- Look, they don't exist.

- Well, they eat pretty good for non-existers.

- Mr. Drucker.

- You feel all right?

You look a little wild around the left eye.

- I'm fine.

No, it's Eb, I don't know what's wrong with him.

He imagines he sees a little man named Charlie.

- Oh, is he the one with the beard?

- Uh, Mr.

- Your wife wants to get him some razor blades.

He wants to shave it off.

- I, uh, I uh.

- Your wife said you didn't like it.

- Mr. Drucker, didn't you hear what I said?

Eb imagined him, there's nobody there.

- Oh, I see, oh well, that's not unusual.

I remember when I was a little kid,

I used to have a little imaginary friend.

- Didn't you?

- Hm, no.

- Well, you were rich.

I guess you could afford to have real friends.

- Look, Eb isn't a kid, at least not physically.

- Well, I wouldn't worry about it, I'm sure it'll pass.

- Oh, I certainly hope so.

- Just give it a little more time.

Oh, I almost forgot,

you're supposed to bring home a box of dog biscuits.

- Dog bi, we don't have a dog.

- Yes, you do, either Charlie or Homer bought one.

- Bring the stick back here, George.

Put it down there.

Good boy, that's a good dog, that's a good boy, good boy.

Uh, Eb?

- Oh, that's George, Charlie's new dog.

Ain't he a beauty?

- Yeah, yeah, he's a beauty.

- Oh, you want to throw the stick for him?

- Uh, sure, I'd love to.

- Huh, now you did it, you threw it up in the tree.

I'll get it for you, George.

- Lisa?

- Oh, hello, dear, did you see Charlie's dog anywhere?

- Lisa, I want to talk to you, let's sit down.

I don't suppose there's anybody sitting there, is there?

- No.

- Uh-huh.

- Homer and Charlie took Natasha on a picnic.

- Lisa, I don't need anymore of this action from you now.

I'm worried about Eb.

- Why?

- Why, do you think it's normal for somebody

to see three little people who aren't there?

- Three, no, one, maybe.

- One is enough.

- Well then, why did you bring your

little friend with the barret?

- I didn't, what about Natasha?

- Girls are different.

- Look, Lisa, I'm beginning to suspect that Eb is,

I think he needs help.

- I agree with you.

- What made you decide that?

- Well, the dog that isn't there, Eb is playing with.

I don't mind the dog too much,

but the stick that isn't there,

Eb is throwing to the dog that isn't there,

that has me worried.

- Ah, I see, fine, yeah, yeah, and you agree that

we should do something about it?

- Yes, I think we should take Eb to a doctor.

- Well fine, I'll take him over to Doc Stewart.

- Oh, he doesn't need that kind of a doctor.

Eb needs a psychiatrist.

- There aren't any psychiatrists around here.

- There aren't?

- In fact, I don't even know any psychiatrists.

- Neither do I.

Oh, wait a second, I just remembered, Peggy Rexford's

husband is one of the biggest psychiatrists in New York,

and if you will take Eb there.

- Peggy Rexford, isn't that the girl whose anniversary

party you wanted me to take you to in New York?

- Uh, I guess that's the one.

Now, if we took Eb there, I'm sure that we could help him.

- Oh boy, have I been an idiot.

You concocted this whole thing just so that

I would take you to New York to the party.

You put Eb up!

This is a kind of a plot you'd expect to see on I Love Lucy.

- Our Miss Brooks.

- What?

- I caught a rerun.

- Lisa, you could have saved yourself all this trouble

because we are not going to New York.

- Oliver!

- We're not going and I don't want

to hear another word about it.

- Mr. Douglas, Mr. Douglas, come quick,

there's a terrible fight.

- What?

- Homer made a pass at Natasha and Charlie got jealous

and pulled a knife and Homer has a gun

and they're shooting and stabbing at each other.

- Fine, I'll see you later.

- You've got to stop it.

- Let George stop it.

- George ain't there, he's gone.

- Eb, Oliver knows the whole plot.

- He saw the rerun of Our Miss Brooks?

- No, he figured it out by himself.

- He did, huh, I didn't think he was that smart.

- Eb, I just want you to go out and get to work

and I don't ever want to hear another word

about this crazy scheme again.

- But Mr.

- This is the end of it.

- No it isn't.

- What?

- That's the sheriff.

You see, before I knew that you knew,

I got so carried away with the fight that Homer

and Charlie were having, that I called him.

- Come in.

- Did somebody here phone for the sheriff?

- He did.

- I did not.

- Well, I didn't.

- No, no, he did.

- Who did?

- You did.

- Me did?

- Just a second, somebody phoned

that there was a big fight here.

- Did you see a fight, Mrs. Douglas?

- NO.

- Oh, that must have been his three friends.

- Oh, they're your friends, huh?

- They are not my friends.

Well, they're three little people, not people,

they're just imag, you can't see them, they're not there.

- Lady, have you got a balloon I can borrow?

- I am not drunk!

- Then how come you keep seeing these

little people that aren't there?

- I didn't see them.

- Did you see them?

- No, Sir!

- Eb, you are the one that started this,

bringing Charlie here.

- Who's Charlie?

- He's the one he said was wearing the barret.

- No, no, that was Homer.

- Who's Homer?

- Oh, he's the little man that I made up.

Everybody had their little man and woman.

- And you felt left out?

- No, I, uh.

- Tell him about George.

- Who's George?

- Oh, he's a dog that Charlie bought.

- I thought you said you couldn't see Charlie.

- No, you couldn't, you couldn't see George either.

- Then why were you throwing the stick for him?

- There wasn't any stick, it was imaginary.

- And you threw it and the dog brought it back.

- Oh no, I threw it up in a tree.

- Why don't you just come along with me.

- Are you arresting me?

- Of course not, we're just going to take

a ride over to the county seat.

They've got this white building there with nice green lawns

and they give you lots of rocks and things to play with.

- Are you implying that I'm crazy?

- Did I say that?

- Well, I'm not!

- Come along.

- Take your hands off of me!

- Sheriff, I'm sure you're right, my husband does need help.

I know a psychiatrist in New York

who is married to my best girlfriend,

and I could take him there over the weekend.

- Well, I.

- I am sure that he could help him.

- Well, he probably would be better off

with somebody who could give him personal attention.

Now, you go with the wife and I'm sure you'll be fine.

- But, Sheriff!

- It's either that or the country seat.

- All right.

- Bye-bye.

- Well, you did it.

- You're not mad at me?

I would like to.

All right, if we're gonna go,

we might as well pack the bags.

- Oh, they are already packed.

- I'll put them in the car.

- They're in the car.

- All you have to do is put on your coat

and hat and we're on our way.

- What about the plane?

- I have the tickets in my pocket.

- You didn't forget anything, did you?

- No, Sir, I even arranged for kennel for George.

- Oh, get out.

- Yes, Sir, oh by the way,

y'all be sure and have a good time.

- Come on, let's go.

You sure you're still not mad at me?

- Who me, oh no, I'm not.

Well, they're gone, Charlie.

Yeah, what do you want to do, Homer?

I don't know, what do you want to do, Natasha?

Let's play house.

I'll be the daddy.

No, I will.

I will.

Down, George.

Go chase your stick.

- What's the matter?

- Did you hear voices?

- What kind of voices?

- Like three, uh, never mind.

- Oliver, maybe it's a lucky thing we are going to New York.

- Yeah, yeah, maybe it is.

Down, George.

This has been a Filmways presentation, Darling.