Original subtitles

- Haven't you finished breakfast yet?

- That depends, what's on your mind, chief?

- Work.

- In that case, I'm not finished.

- Yeah, but today's the day I plan to-

- Hello there.

- I thought you were going out.

- I am, but I don't know what to wear.

Do you remember which dress I wore on the

every other Wednesday afternoon Ladies Club meeting?

- Well, uh... I remember what you wore.

The blue chiffon with the lace bodice.

- He's right!

I wonder what I wore the every other Wednesday before that.

- You wore the green taffeta with the Valero jacket,

and the flared skirt.

- He's right again!

How come you don't remember?

- Well, I, I-

- I have to wear something that's a good liberator color.

- A liberator color?

- Well, our guests speaker today is a lady

from the Women Liberation League and I wouldn't

want to wear a color that's against the liberation.

- What's the Women's Liberation League?

- Oh, some kooky bra burning group.

- What's a bra?

- It's one of those things that women-

- Oh if you have to explain it to him, forget it.

- Well, I'll see you after the meeting.

Now if you get hungry there's a chicken in the oven.

- A chicken?

♪ Green acres is the place to

♪ Farm livin' is the life for me

♪ Land spreadin' out so far and wide

♪ Keep Manhattan just give me that countryside

♪ New York is where I'd rather stay

♪ I get allergic smelling hay

♪ I just adore a penthouse view

♪ Darling I love you but give me Park Avenue

♪ The chores ♪ The stores ♪ Fresh air

♪ Times Square ♪ You are my wife

♪ Good bye city life

♪ Green Acres we are there

- What's all this stuff for?

- Oh that's for the tool house I'm planning to build.

- Well, you have a nice day for it.

- Yep, wait a minute, you're helping me.

- Me?

You said, "I've been planning to build."

Those were your exact words: "I've been planning to build."

I didn't hear my name anywhere in that sentence.

- Do you hear your name anywhere in this sentence?

Eb, you're fired.

- Where are we planning on building this tool house?

- Right around the side of the barn.

Follow me, I'll show you.

- Where are we gonna build it?

Over, under, or around this mess?

- Where did all this stuff come from, anyway?

- It's all the stuff you told me to save.

- Why would I want to save an old bathtub?

- In case you wanted to take an old bath.

- Very funny.

Alright, now let's get this out of here.

- What are you gonna do with it?

- Well, let's move this over there

so we can build the tool house against the wall.

- What are we gonna build a tool house for, anyway?

- To protect the tools.

I'm sick and tired of seeing them lying around

and getting rusty and dull.

Let's get started.

- Yes, sir.

Oh, this is awful heavy.

- Well, don't try to lift it alone.

Okay.

- Oh, oh you stupid, you dropped the ball!

- I'm afraid your rain dance isn't working.

- It's not a rain-

- Why don't you try both feet?

- He's not doing a rain dance.

He dropped a tractor wheel on his foot.

- I didn't-

- Well, dropping a tractor wheel

on your foot won't bring rain.

That's for, well, it's for a broken foot,

that's what it's for.

- As long as you broke your foot,

I might as well knock off for the day.

- Eb, come-

Mr. Kimball, did you bring the pamphlet I asked you for?

- What pamphlet?

- The one with the plans for building a tool house.

Now don't tell me you forgot it.

- A country agent never forgets anything.

I have it right here.

No, right over there in my truck.

- What truck?

- Oh, that's what I forgot, my truck.

Let's see, where did I leave it?

I was over at, let's see.

- It's in your back pocket.

- How did my truck get in my back pocket?

Oh, here's the pamphlets.

Yeah, we have several plans right here.

- Thank you.

- Yes.

You got a building permit?

- What do I need a building permit for?

- Well, according to the building code

you need a permit for a schoolhouse.

- I'm not building a schoolhouse.

- Oh, that's right, you're building a pool house.

- I'm building a tool house.

- Oh, well you'll need a permit for that.

- Where do they issue them?

- Issue what?

- The permit.

- Have you tried the nearest permit issuing station?

- If I had, would I have asked you?

- Asked me what?

- To leave.

- Oh, well, bye.

Bye.

- Well, how did the liberation meeting go today?

- That's exactly what I expect a man to say.

And another thing.

- How did you change-

- All men make women second class citizens

because their afraid to give them equal statics.

- Statics, don't you mean status?

- Mhmm, make me look like a fool in front of my friends.

- What friends?

- That's a favorite trick of men.

- What are you talking about?

Lisa, will you please tell-

- What did you do with my chicken?

- I didn't do anything with it?

- Do you know why men want to keep women down?

Because they're afraid that women are smarter than men

and women would take over the whole world.

- Well, that's the silliest-

- What did you do with my chicken?

- I didn't touch your chicken.

- A typical male reaction.

Here, chick chick chick.

Here, chick chick chick.

Here, chick chick chick.

- Just what did that woman liberator

tell you at the meeting?

- She told me that I have equal rights

and that from now on I don't have to walk

four paces behind you in my bare feet

with a laundry bag on my head.

- Well, if it'll help the Women's Liberation Movement,

I'll buy you a pair of shoes.

- Just help me find my chicken.

Here, chick chick chick.

- Lisa, you already have equal rights.

- I do?

Who goes into the bathroom first thing in the morning?

- I do, I get up first.

- Why do you have to get up first?

- I don't.

- Good.

Here, chick chick chick.

Here, chick chick chick.

- Would you mind standing still for a minute,

I'd like to understand what you're talking about.

- Well, it's very simple.

We women are going to rearrange this a bit

by sharing the working and the housekeeping.

- And how does that go?

- Monday the woman does the housekeeping

and the man goes to work and the next day

the man does the housekeeping and the woman goes to work.

And that way they can live happily ever after.

- Is that what that nut woman told you?

- I wouldn't call her a nut.

She could take you in three rounds.

Here, chick chick chick.

- Lisa, don't you women realize what a nice, soft touch

you've got the way it is?

- What do you mean soft touch?

- Well, all you have to do is vacuum a rug,

make a bed, throw some dishes in a dishwasher, that's it.

- You're leaving out the hard part.

- Like what?

- Have you ever had to wait an hour and a half

for your nails to dry?

- Well, no.

- Have you ever tried to make an appointment

at the beauty parlor before a holiday?

- Not recently.

- And the worst part of it yet,

have you ever put on a red dress

and then found that you don't have shoes to match?

- Oh, that is a rough way to go.

- That's what the Lady Liberation said

and that's why women should share the man's job,

because it's a lot easier.

Here, chick chick chick.

- You think running a farm is easy?

A woman couldn't possibly do the physical work?

- Why not?

- Because you're not equipped for it.

- Now you're knocking my equipment.

- Oh no, your equipment's fine.

No, I mean-

- I could show you a thing or two about running a farm.

- Well you're welcome to try it any time you want.

- I will; here, chick chick chick.

Here, chick chick chick.

- Woman's Liberation Movement.

Lisa, I found your chicken!

- Good morning, chief!

- Good morn-

Uh, where do you think you're going?

- Plowing.

- With a fishing pole?

- Oh, how do you like that?

I thought I grabbed a plow handle.

- Hmm, well I'm gonna get a permit for the tool house

and while I'm gone you can start clearing that junk away.

- But Mr. Douglas. - Hello, there.

- What are you all made up for?

- These are my Women's Liberation League work clothes.

Where do I start?

- Lisa, are you serious about this?

- What do you want me to do?

- There's nothing you can do.

- Yes there is.

Come on, I'll show you Mrs. Douglas.

How about cleaning up this mess?

- Okay.

- Well, now that that's settled,

I better get started on my plowing.

- Eb, will you-

- Honey bar, what do you want me to do with all this stuff?

- Lisa, why don't you go in the house

and do the dishes or something?

- Today you have to do the dishes

and I have to do the man work.

- Alright fine, you got a nice easy job.

All you have to do is take all this stuff

and put it in a neat pile over there.

- Right, and what do I do after that?

- Well after that I don't think

you have to worry about after that, have fun.

- Where do you think you're going?

- Into Bixley.

- Well, what about the dishes and the rest of the house?

- Later, I have an appointment at the beauty parlor.

- Ask for Mary, she gives the best egg shampoo.

Yes, sir?

- Do you issue building permits here?

- Yes sir, what are you planning to build?

- A tool house.

- Would you mind filling out this application?

- This is an application to burn rubbish.

- For all our building permits, just cross out burn rubbish

and write in building.

- Write in building?

- That's B-U-I-L-D.

Yes, I know how to spell it.

- What did you want a permit to build?

- A tool house.

- Well, will you cross out where it says

type of rubbish to be burned and write in

type of building to be constructed?

That's C-O-N-S-T-

- I know how to spell that, too.

- Good.

What's the location of the property

on which you're going to build this tool house?

- Hooterville.

- Would you write that in on the line that says

Has the applicant ever been convicted of arson?

- Very well.

- What's your address in Hooterville?

- It's the old Haney place out on the county road.

- The old Haney place, eh?

So you're the jer-gentleman that bought that?

- I'm not a gent-er-jerk, uh.

- I'll have to get the original plans

for the buildings on that property.

Ah, here we are, Hooterville.

- Could you watch it, please?

- Haney place, eh?

Ah, here we are.

Where were you planning to erect this tool house?

- On the side of the barn.

- What barn?

- The barn that's next to the house.

- There is no barn.

- What do you mean there's no barn?

- Well see for yourself, there's just a house.

- There's a barn, too.

- Not according to these plans.

- Well, I don't care about the plans, I have a barn.

- Well if you do, it was built illegally.

No permit was ever issued to build a barn on that property.

- Well, that's ridiculous.

- Well, it's nothing to get excited about.

It's very easily rectified.

- How?

- Tear it down, get a permit, build a new one.

- Well, that's the most-

- Once it's built, we'll send an inspector out

and if he okays it, we'll ad a barn to the plans

and you'll be legal.

- Look, all I want to do is build a tool house.

- Well that's no problem once the barn passes inspection,

we'll issue a permit for the tool house

and you'll be able to build it.

After two years.

- What?

- According to the building code no additions

may be added to a structure that's less than two years old.

- Forget it!

- One moment.

Here you are, your rubbish burning permit.

- Lisa, Lisa?

- Who are you calling?

- You.

- On workday's my women's liberation name is Max.

- Will you... And yours is Sophie.

- Look, Lisa.

- Max.

- Oh, for.

- How was the egg shampoo, Sophie?

- I didn't get a-

- What do you want me to do next?

- What do you mean next?

- Well, the junk is all cleaned up as you said.

- What?

- Come, I show you.

- What the?

- Is it stacked in the right place?

- Yeah, but how-

- If you don't like it that way,

I'll be happy to move it over there, no sweat.

- Lisa, how did you lift all that?

- Max.

- Mr. Douglas.

- Oh, now I understand, Eb helped you.

- He did not.

- No, I was busy plowing.

- Oh, give those to Sophie, she'll cook them for dinner.

- Who's Sophie?

- I am, apparently.

Well, I mean.

- Now do you want me to start building the tool house?

- Forget the tool house, I couldn't get a permit.

- You can't seem to do anything, can you, Sophie?

- Look here, I-

- I don't know how anything got done around here

before Irving took over.

- Max.

- Look, you two.

- Do you want the tool house built?

- Yes, but you can't-

- Well, I'd better go and get the permit.

- You won't be able to get it.

- Why not?

- Because this barn isn't here.

- Oh boy.

Sophie's been sniffing her pine needle pillow again.

- Eb, will you?

Look, you can't get the permit

because there's a whole lot of red tape.

- Red tape never bothered a Hungarian.

I see what I can do and in the mean time,

you'll start your housework.

- Boy, she gets that permit,

she's gonna make you look awful foolish.

Of course, that's nothing new.

- There is no way she can get it.

- Well, I'd better not hold you up, Sophie.

I know you have housework to do.

- No you don't!

Have you finished?

Well, what do you think you're doing?

- Vacuuming.

If you bring in the bedroom rug, I'll do that, too.

- Go on in and make the bed.

- You make it, you're the lady of the house.

- Eb!

- The liberation movement may have turned you

into a weak-kneed ninny, but not me.

- Are you gonna make the bed or not?

- Okay, they always told me it was harder working for woman.

You miserable.

Come in!

- Hello, Mr. Ziffel.

- Oh hi, Sophie.

- Look, I'm not-

- I didn't mean to interrupt your housework.

- Mr. Ziffel, I'm not-

- Oh I know how hard it ca be with people dropping in

when you're in the midst of making the bed

or ironing the curtains.

- Oh, I wasn't-

- I just come over to get your recipe for apple popovers.

- Apple popovers?

- Yeah, I gotta make some for Doris.

I had the recipe, but when I was doing the wash

it fell out of my apron pocket into the tub.

- You do the wash?

- Every Tuesday.

What's your wife's day?

- Oh, I don't-

- Wednesday's the day I really dread, though.

- Why?

- Well, that's the day I scrub the floors.

- Oh, so the new women's liberation movement hit you, too, ?

- What's that?

- Where the men do the housework.

- Well, what's new about that?

I've been doing housework ever since

me and Doris got married.

- What does Doris do?

- She runs the tractor and slops the hogs

and does the plowing.

- She?

- Well, how about that recipe?

- Oh well, I'm sorry, I can't help you.

I'm not much of a cook.

- You're not much of a housekeeper, either.

Look at that.

You wouldn't stay married to Doris for two minutes.

- I'm not married to Doris.

- No, but I am.

I wonder if Newt Kiley might have that recipe

for apple popovers.

Sophie!

- In here!

Sophie!

What are you doing?

- Giving Eleanor some hay.

- I am supposed to do that

and you're supposed to do the ironing.

- If you want the ironing done, you do it.

- We made a deal.

- Oh no we didn't.

You came home with some cockamamie idea of women

doing men's work and men doing women's work and vice versa.

Before I knew it, I'm Sophie and you're Max.

- Names don't mean anything.

Now, why don't you go into the house and do your housework?

- I am sorry, but I'm not doing housework anymore.

- Do you want all the junk to be moved back?

- You might as well.

- Well, what do I do with the permit?

You can-

You got the permit?

- That's right, one permit for a tool house

to be attached to the barn that's here now.

- How did you?

- Where men fail, women fear to tread.

- What does that mean?

- It means I got the permit.

- I don't know how you did it, Max, but you're a doll.

- Later, Sophie, I've got to start to build my tool house.

- You honestly think you can build a tool house?

- I got the permit, didn't I?

- Alright, go ahead.

- What are you going to cook for dinner?

- Nothing, I'll see you later.

- Where are you going?

- To take off my girdle, it's killing me.

- I'll have another drink.

- Mr. Douglas, don't you think you've had enough?

- One more won't hurt.

- But you've had six Burt's Beers already.

- Mr. Drucker... You don't look too good.

You look a little over-carbonated.

It's nearly 9:30, why don't you go home?

- No thanks.

- Mrs. Douglas'll be worried about you.

- Let her.

- Now Mr. Douglas,

this women's liberation thing'll blow over.

Women are always agitatin' for something.

First it was to get the vote, then it was to stop people

from drinking, then they wanted

to run a woman for president.

I survived all them movements, you know how?

I stayed single.

- I don't mind equal rights for women,

but their idea of equal rights is to prove

that they're better than men.

- What's the harm in letting them think they are,

as long as you and me know better?

- The colossal conceit of my wife thinking

she can do something better than I can.

- Oh, she probably just thinks that

because she cleaned up all that junk and got the permit.

- Thanks for your moral support.

- Mr. Douglas, take my advice.

Go home, take off your shoes, put your feet up,

look out the window, and enjoy your new tool house.

- Tool house!

There is no way she could build a tool house.

- Oh, hello dear!

- What the?

- I was just putting up the finishing touches.

How do you like it?

- Lisa, you built this?

- Well, you don't see anybody else around

with a hammer in their hand.

- Oh, that's impossible.

- Nothing is impossible for a liberated lady

when she puts her mind to it.

- Look-

- Here, put this in your new tool house.

I'm going to wash up and then you better

go into the kitchen and start cooking dinner.

- I told you, I'm not doing any cooking.

- Well, you can be sure I take you out

for the next women's liberation meeting.

Aren't you coming to bed?

- I'm just not in the mood, Max.

- Then, goodnight.

- Lisa, for the last time,

are you gonna tell me how you built that tool house?

- Let me just say it wasn't easy, goodnight.

- Oh, Mr. Haney.

- Your bill.

- For what?

- For $1,200.

- $1,200, for what?

- Well, it's all itemized here.

First it's $150 for three men to move

and restack the junk that was by your barn.

- Oh, so that's how-

- Next, there's $105 for the tool house permit.

- $105 for a permit?

- Oh, the permit was only five dollars.

The 100 was to bribe the clerk.

- Of all the-

- Now then there's $300 for five men to build a tool house.

That comes to a grand total of $1,200.

- It's nowhere near $1,200.

- Well it is when you include the miscellaneous.

- Miscellaneous?

- May I have your check, please?

- We'll discuss it tomorrow.

- If we discuss it now,

I can give you an on the spot discount.

I'll take your check for 800.

- Forget it.

- Of course, now if you're a veteran, it'll only be $500.

- Goodbye, Mr. Haney.

- Yeah, but... Goodbye!

- Lisa.

- Hello there, sweetie.

Who was at the door?

- A bill collector.

Lisa, let me get this straight.

You moved the junk, you got the permit,

and you built the tool house, right?

- Well, that depends.

- On what?

- On who the bill collector was.

- Mr. Haney.

- In that case, I take the fifth commandment.

- Amendment.

Lisa, I knew this liberation thing was a fake.

- What do you mean fake?

- All that big talk about doing a man's work

and then you hire somebody else to do it for you.

- Look at it this way.

I am a woman, so how would I know how to do a man's work

unless I hired a man to do it and watched him?

- Lisa.

- Oliver, I've been thinking.

I am not too happy with this liberation deal.

Tomorrow, why don't I go back to being the woman

and you be the man?

- Why do we have to wait until tomorrow?

- Well, I guess we don't, Max.

- Now you're talking, Sophie.

This has been a Filmways Presentation, darling.