Original subtitles

- So, this is the steering wheel.

It's used to steer the car.

You got that?

Steering wheel.

- Steering wheel.

- Yes, yes.

- What is that button?

- Oh, that's the vindshield viper.

- I don't make fun of your accent.

Why do you make fun of mine?

- I don't have an accent.

- You do in Hungary.

- Do you want to learn how to drive?

- Yes.

Now, what is that thing?

- Oh, that's the horn.

- You blow a pretty good horn.

Now, what are those things down there?

- Oh, this is the gas pedal, that's the brake,

and here's the automatic transmission.

- Grass pedal, the rake, and the automatic transgression.

- No no, no no.

Gas, brake, automatic transmission.

- What did I say?

- Who knows?

Look, Lisa...

- Mr. Douglas, I got something very important to tell you.

There's a man...

- Later Eb, I'm taking a driving lesson.

- What man?

- He's from the wholesale house and he's

out in the apple orchard and he wants to talk to you.

- Oh, that must be Mr. Collins.

He said he'd be here today.

- What about my driving lesson?

- Oh, this is important.

Mr. Collins wants to talk to me about

buying my apple crop.

- Well, what do I do in the meanwhile?

- Here.

Practice putting on your lipstick in the rear view mirror.

♪ Green Acres is the place to be

♪ Farm living is the life for me

♪ Land spreading out so far and wide

♪ Keep Manhattan, just give me that countryside

♪ New York is where I'd rather stay

♪ I get allergic smelling hay

♪ I just adore a penthouse view

♪ Darling I love you, but give me Park Avenue

♪ The chores ♪ The stores ♪ Fresh air

♪ Times Square ♪ You are my wife

♪ Goodbye city life

♪ Green Acres, we are there

- Very good looking fruit, Mr. Douglas.

- Thank you, Mr. Collins.

- You know, I almost didn't come by your place this year.

- Why not?

- Well, I've been coming by here for four years

to look at your apples and it's always been a waste of time.

- Well...

- But I guess you had to get lucky sometimes.

- No, it's not luck.

You see, I've done a lot of things differently this year.

I pruned... - Well, whatever.

My firm will take your entire crop, 2.25 a bushel.

- Oh hey, well that's a deal.

- Can you deliver them in two weeks?

- Oh, that shouldn't be any problem.

We'll start picking next week and...

- Mr. Douglas, is somebody honking for you?

- Oh no, that's my wife.

She's practicing horn blowing.

- What?

- I'm teaching her how to drive.

- You have my deepest sympathy.

Lisa, guess what happened?

- How does that sound?

- Fine.

- That was right handed.

You know what Mr. Collins...

- That was left handed.

- Will you stop blowing the horn?

Don't you want to hear what happened?

Mr. Collins bought my whole apple crop.

- Your whole crop?

Holy Toledo, we're rich, rich, rich.

- Eb...

- Now you can get me all the things I never had.

A Mary Poppins pencil box, Rudy Vallee records,

stripe thermal underwear, a trip to Europe.

- Eb, I'm not getting you anything.

- Fine thing.

That's the thanks I get for all my years of loyalty.

You're rich, rich, rich.

I get nothing, nothing, nothing.

- Right, right, right.

Now get back to work.

Lisa, this is the first break I've had

since I bought the farm.

- Well, you had to get lucky sometime.

- Wasn't luck, hard work.

- I know.

I'm proud of the way you kept your nose

to the rhinestone.

- The rhinestone?

Yeah look, please get out of the car.

I've got to get into Drucker's and buy some

bushel baskets for the pickings.

- What about my driving lessons?

- Later.

- Always later.

- Lisa, why don't you go into the house

and study the motor vehicle code?

- That's a dull way to spend the afternoon.

- I'll be back in a little while.

- That isn't going to make things any brighter.

- Mr. Haney, I'm in a hurry.

- Oh, don't let me stop you.

- Would you mind moving your truck?

- Oh, are you going in that direction?

- Yes, I'm going in that direction.

I have to go to Drucker's and buy some bu...

- What kind of bu are you interested in?

- Oh no you don't.

I'm not telling you what I need.

- I thought you went into Drucker's to buy

your bushel baskets.

- Oh, you...

- Thanks Eb, you're entitled to the usual commission.

- There won't be any commission because

I'm not buying them from you.

- You will when I show you my line of

superior merchandise.

Now, just take a look at these.

These baskets are made out of strips of

genuine birch bark, which have been reclaimed

from old Indian canoes.

As part of a conservation program instituted

by the Cherokee nation.

- Of all the...

- It's their way of saying thank you to General Custard

for being such a good loser.

- That's the load...

- Now with these baskets, you can double your yield.

For every bushel of apples you pick,

you can fill two of these baskets.

- How can you do that?

- They have false bottoms.

You see, these were originally made for

smuggling marijuana in from Tijuana.

- Tijua...

- Unfortunately, the smuggler made a slight mistake.

He put the tomatoes under the false bottom

and the marijuana on top.

But I'm sure you wouldn't make a mistake like that.

- The only mistake I could make is to

buy those baskets from you.

- I have a complete line of picking supplies.

Would you be interested in some mahogany

pleated picking ladders?

- Nothing, just move your truck.

- How about a large button for your lapel,

saying I'm rich, rich, rich?

- All right, Mr. Haney.

Now you move that out of here.

Lisa... - I'm ready for my lesson.

Oh, not now.

- You said when you come back from Drucker's.

- I haven't been to Drucker's yet.

- Have you got anything to prove it?

- Out.

- Believe me, this is the last time I ever

live with a married man.

- About 250 bushel baskets, Sam.

- You must have a lot of apples, Fred.

- Best crop in years.

- Anything else?

- Nope.

You don't need no jellybeans, Arnold.

Well, you know they always give you heartburn.

- I didn't know pigs got heartburn.

- Well, Arnold will do anything to be one of the crowd.

- Well, if you don't need anything else...

- Good morning, gentlemen.

- Oh morning, Mr. Douglas.

- What does he want?

- He wants to know if you'll buy him some jellybeans.

- Why should I buy him any jellybeans?

- He says because you're rich, rich, rich.

- I hear you sold your apple crop, Mr. Douglas.

- Yes, I did.

- Beginner's luck.

It's not beginner's...

I am not buying.

Tell him I am not buying him any jellybeans.

- That ain't what he asked you.

He wants to know what you take for heartburn.

- Mr. Drucker, I'd like to order some bushel baskets.

- How many?

- Well, I've got over 100 trees.

- Give him about eight.

- What do you mean, eight?

- I hear you're giving Mrs. Douglas driving lessons.

- Yeah, about the baskets now...

- You know, I always think it's a mistake

for a husband to teach his wife to drive.

Breaks up a lot of marriages.

- Well, if I'd have known that, I'd ought to

taught Doris how to drive.

- Who did teach her?

- Arnold did.

- How could he?

- Well, simple.

You see, my car's got an automatic transmission.

- Oh, for the love of...

- How many baskets did you want, Mr. Douglas?

- Well, I think I should have about 100

and if I need more, I'll come by later.

- Oh by the way, have you arranged for your pickers yet?

- No, who do I see about that?

- Hank Kimball.

- Mr. Kimball.

Mr. Kimball?

- Oh, excuse me.

I didn't know this was your office.

Mr. Kimball?

- Yes?

- How did you get in here?

Through the secret entrance.

I came through the bottom drawer of the file cabinet.

- I'd like to see you do that.

- Then it wouldn't be a secret.

- Oh.

Look, Mr. Kimball, I need some apple pickers.

- What for?

- To pick apples.

- Oh, those kind of apple pickers.

Thought you meant the kind that,

well, guess that's the only kind there is.

How many pickers will you need?

- Well, you've seen my orchard.

- Oh yes, you'd need about half a picker.

- I'll need about 20.

- Well, let me make a note of that.

Do you have a pencil?

- Yes.

- Then you make a note of it.

Now, what kind of apple pickers do you need?

Wine sack pickers, Macintosh pickers, or Pippin pickers?

- Are you trying to tell me there are

different pickers for different kinds of apples?

- Oh yes, we're living in an age of specialization.

I mean, no longer do you take your dirigible

into an automobile mechanic to have it repaired.

You take it to a dirigible mechanic.

- Fine, I'll remember that.

Now, will you please help me?

- Well, of course.

What seems to be wrong with your dirigible?

- Mr. Kimball, the apple pickers.

- Oh, well I keep a file of apple pickers right here.

Now, let's see.

Well, I can get you Peter Piper.

No, Peter Piper's busy picking pickled peppers.

- I'm gonna...

- Hey, how about Sally Simpson?

No, Sally Simpson's selling seashells by the seashore.

- I don't care what Shally Shimpson's shelling.

- Sally Simpson's selling.

- Mr. Kimball, just get me 20 apple pickers

for next Wednesday.

The door is locked.

- Oh.

Well, I guess you have to use the bottom drawer

of the file cabinet.

I'm ready for my lesson.

- Lisa, not now.

- Well, you promised.

- Look, I just came back for my check book.

I've got to go up to Pixley and arrange

for a truck to bring my apples in.

- I'll drive you there.

- No.

- Can I go with you and watch you drive?

- Fine.

What's that?

That's the turn indicator.

- What do you use that for?

- If you want to make a right hand turn, you push it up.

If you want to make a left hand turn, you pull it down.

- And the car turns by itself?

- No, you turn it.

- I thought it was against the law to do a U-turn.

- Will you please... - What's that button?

- That's to put the top up.

- Up where?

- Up.

Will you move over and be quiet?

- Why do you keep your foot on that thing?

- Oh, that's the grass pedal.

The gas pedal.

- What does that do?

- That's how you control the speed of the car

with the pressure of your foot.

- Oh.

How much pressure do you keep on your foot?

- 28 pounds in the left foot and 39 in the right foot.

- Oh.

What's that thing for?

- Lisa, will you please be quiet?

- Yes, sir.

Do you know you have a nervous twitch?

- Well, I didn't have it when we started out.

- Your windshield is dirty.

- Yes, I know.

- Do you want me to clean it for you?

- No.

I'll tell you what I want you to do.

- Oliver, I can't learn to drive sitting back here.

- Would you like me to put you in the trunk?

- You wouldn't do that.

- Don't tempt me.

- You're twitching again.

- Lisa, if you don't...

- If you would just let me drive a little.

- If I were to let you, would you be quiet?

- Yes, sir.

- All right, Lisa, now this looks like a safe place.

There's no traffic.

I'm gonna let you drive for a few hundred feet.

You know how to start the car?

- Yes.

- All right.

What do you do first?

- I fasten on my seatbelt.

- Mmhmm, and then what?

- I turn the key.

- Mmhmm.

Yeah, that's the stuff.

- Now what?

- Soon as I get in, I'll show you.

Hey, hey, hey.

Hey, look out...

Sheriff's car.

- Must have been doing 90 miles an hour

when she plowed into me.

- 90 miles an hour from a standing start?

- You were drag racing?

That's against the law, son.

- I wasn't... - Don't interrupt me, boy.

May I see your license, ma'am?

- What do I need a license for?

I don't know how to drive.

- You don't know how?

- She was just learning.

- Don't sass the deputy, son.

May I see your learner's permit, ma'am?

- What does it look like?

- It's a little white card with...

- Well, I don't have one of those.

- Lady, don't you all know it's against the law

to operate a motor vehicle without a learner's permit

or a license?

- Is that true?

- What are you asking him for?

- He ought to know more about it than you do.

He's a lawyer.

- Oh, one of them radicals.

Let me see your license, boy.

- There you are.

- This is expired.

- Expired?

- That means it's no good anymore.

- I know what it means.

- Then why were you driving with it?

- Lisa.

- You always have that twitch, boy?

- I don't...

Look, Sheriff, I wasn't aware that my license wasn't valid.

It's an honest mistake.

I'll get a new license in Pixley.

- How you gonna get to Pixley, boy?

- Drive.

- Without a license?

- Well, how can I get to Pixley to get a license

if I can't drive to Pixley to get it?

- I suggest y'all get somebody to do your driving for you.

- Hi, everybody.

Well, not everybody.

- Hear what happened to Mr. Douglas?

They took away his license for backing into a police car.

- They didn't.

Go to work.

- Yes, sir.

- No no, not you, Eb.

What about my apple pickers?

- Oh, that's what I come over here to talk to you about.

Say, do you always have that twitch?

- I don't have a twitch.

- You don't have any apple pickers either.

- What?

- He said you don't have any apple pickers either.

- Why not?

- Because there aren't any around.

- Well, where are they?

- Where are who?

- The apple pickers.

- There aren't any around.

- What happened to them?

- Oh, they all flew south for the winter.

No, that was the sparrows that flew south.

The apple pickers went west.

No, that was Horace Greeley.

- Mr. Kimball... - Oh, I know.

The apple pickers went north to pick strawberries.

They get more money.

- Who is going to pick the apples?

- Who is going to give me driving lessons?

- Lisa please, if I don't get those apples picked

and deliver them to Collins, I'll lose the whole deal.

And every one of you fellas will lose your deal, too.

- Well, what can we do about it?

- Well, there must be apple pickers somewhere.

- There are.

- Where?

- Up north, picking strawberries.

- Oh, you...

- That's what Mr. Kimball said.

- I guess that's the end of our apple crop.

- Wait a second.

That's no attitude, what kind of a farmer are you?

- A beaten one.

- Look.

In the old days, farmers helped one another.

If a man's barn burned down, his neighbors helped

him build a new one.

- Well good, I could use a new barn.

- I'm not talking about barns.

I'm talking about apples.

- Why would they want to build a new apple?

- What I meant was that we're all in trouble.

And we can help each other.

You fellas come over to my place, help me pick my apples,

then we'll all go over to Fred's place,

help him pick his apples.

- Just a second.

Why should we go over to your place first?

- I don't care whose place we go to first.

- Fine, then you all come over to my place first.

- Hold it, hold it fellers.

There's a simple way to settle all this.

Why don't we just put everybody's name in a hat

and draw them out and that will settle the picking order?

- All right fine, here, use my hat.

- Why should we use your hat?

- Oh, for the...

- It don't make no difference whose hat we use.

Now, just write out your names and give them to me.

- Why can't you give me a driving lesson today?

- I told you.

We're starting to pick apples at Ben Miller's today.

- Why are they starting there?

- Because they picked his name out of the hat first.

- What's a hat first?

What about your name?

- They drew it out of the hat last.

- What's a hat last?

- I'll be back in time for supper.

- Then will you give me my driving lesson?

- I'll be too tired.

- Then why did I get my learner's permit?

- Because you can't drive without it.

- But I can't drive with it.

- Bye, Lisa.

There we are, that does it.

- Thank you, fellas.

Sure glad we're all through picking everybody's fruit.

- We're not through.

You still have to come over to my place tomorrow.

- Oh, we'll be there.

- All right, see you all tomorrow, seven AM.

- Oliver, how many sandwiches will you need?

- There are about 20 men coming over,

so you better make about 40 sandwiches.

- Yes, sir.

That's one.

Oliver, I don't think we're going to have enough bread.

- Did you ever think of slicing the bread thinner?

- Well, then we won't have enough cheese.

- Lisa, just bring the bread and the cheese out later

and we'll make our own sandwiches.

- Mr. Kimball's out in the orchard.

- Oh, they're beginning to arrive.

Hi, Mr. Kimball.

- Morning, Mr. Douglas.

- Ready to pick apples?

- Nope.

- What do you mean?

- I won't be able to help you today.

The chief's sending me up to the state capital

on official business.

Or is the county state?

Or is it unofficial business?

Well, whatever it is, you have to get along without me.

- Well, that's all right.

There'll be enough fellows here to pick...

- At least two.

- Two?

- Yeah, you and Eb.

- What about the rest of the men?

- Well, I'll read you the sick list.

Yeah, Fred can't get out of bed.

He threw his sacro out of his iliac.

And Newt Kiley's arm stiff in this way

from reaching for apples.

And Ben Miller's got the stoops.

- The stoops?

- Yeah yeah, from picking up baskets.

Oh, Sam's got leg cramps and Harvey Reeler's

got a big splinter in his,

well, you remember when he slid down

the ladder yesterday.

Yeah, there are also six assorted sprains

and one divorce.

- Divorce?

- Yeah, Percy Martin's wife ran off when the phone man

while Percy was picking apples.

- Oh, for the love...

- But they all wanted me to tell you how much

they appreciated your suggestion and help.

Yeah boy, without you, their apples would be

rotting on the trees, like yours will be.

Well, I got to be running along.

- Now what are we gonna do?

- We're gonna pick apples.

- Just the two of us?

- Yes, let's get to work.

- When do you have to get your crop to Mr. Collins?

- In two days.

- Huh, you want to know something?

You ain't gonna make it.

- Look, Eb...

- It's taken us nearly three hours to pick

three baskets and a half basket.

- We'll just have to work a little harder.

- I'm hungry.

I wish Mrs. Douglas would bring the sandwiches.

Mr. Douglas, let's face it.

We're never gonna make it.

- I'm afraid you're right.

This is my first chance to make a real killing.

- Ain't there some automatic way to pick them?

- Well, out west they got a machine for picking oranges.

- How do they work?

- Well, the machine grabs a tree trunk and shakes it,

and then they have a big canvas spread around

the trunk that catches the oranges.

- Don't they have one for apples?

I think your wife just invented one.

- How did you do on the apples?

- We cleared 1200 dollars.

- That's wonderful.

- Well, there were a few small deductions.

- Like what?

- 580 dollars for repairing a patrol car

and 320 dollars for repairing the rear end of our car.

- Well, that still leaves...

- No, I'm not through yet.

There were a few assorted fines we had to pay.

Speeding, reckless driving, driving without a license,

driving without a learner's permit, court costs.

- How much did we make?

- We lost 12 dollars and 80 cents.

- That isn't too bad.

- Well no, it's not...

- I got some other good news for you.

- What's that?

- I decided to give up driving.

Here are your keys.

- Oh wonderful, thank you.

Where's the car?

- Sticking out of the side of the barn.

This has been a

Filmways Presentation, darling.