Original subtitles

- Ooh there we are.

All right you stay here now, be nice and warm.

- What do you suggest Mr. Drucker?

- How about a can of chili beans?

- No thank you Mr. Drucker, it certainly is difficult

trying to find something good to cook for dinner.

- Yeah especially if you can't cook.

- That was pretty good.

He waited until 10:30 to say something nasty.

- Well if you're looking for something simple,

how about a dehydrated chicken?

- A dehydrated...

- All you have to do is add water, some bones,

and let it set and in a couple hours

you got a reconstituted chicken.

- That's the most ridiculous...

- Maybe Lori has a suggestion.

- How about some jellybeans?

- For dinner?

- Well that sounds better than anything we've had lately.

- 10:33 and he's still going strong.

- Say, I just thought of something.

Bless you.

- Lori, you've been sneezing all morning.

Do you have a cold?

- My nose feels ticklish.

- I think you have a fever, stick your tongue out.

- Well I got something here for colds and fever

that all the mothers around here have been using for years.

Sudwell Sam, see all you gotta do is rub some on your...

Oh no this is for cleaning stoves.

Bless you.

Ah here we are, Dirken's Elixir of unshelled pistachio nuts.

- Unshelled pistachio...

- I used to take that all the time

when I was a little girl in Hungary.

- Well that accounts for a lot of things.

- Oh this is great stuff.

It cures Finkwell's itch, Hellman's inflammation.

We had a lot of that around here at one time.

Barstow's blight as well as colds when accompanied by fever.

Yeah thanks Mr. Drucker but...

- Oh, Oliver I think we better

take Lori home and get the doctor.

- Well you ask doc what this elixir did for his toe.

- What?

- Broke it.

- Broke it?

- He dropped the bottle on it.

♪ Green Acres is the place to be

♪ Farm living is the life for me

♪ Land spreading out so far and wide

♪ Keep Manhattan just give me that countryside

♪ No New York is where I'd rather stay

♪ I get allergic smelling hay

♪ I just adore a penthouse view

♪ Darling I love you but give me Park Avenue

♪ The chores ♪ The stores ♪ Fresh air

♪ Times Square ♪ You are my wife

♪ Goodbye city life

♪ Green Acres we are there

- Oliver, where is the doctor?

- He just left.

- Well what did he say about Lori?

- He said... - Oh wait a second.

I don't want her to hear it.

Now then darling what did he say?

- Oh he said... - Tell me the truth.

- Yeah he said... - Don't spare me.

- He said... - I want to know everything

no matter how bad it is.

- I'm sorry the doctor couldn't wait.

He could have given you a shot of something.

- Why, is what she has catching?

- No, all she has is a little virus.

Nothing to it.

- Is that what the doctor said?

- Yes.

- What does he know?

- Well he knows a lot more about it than you do.

- I think we ought to get a Hungarian doctor.

They worry more.

- Look, one worrying Hungarian in the house is enough.

- How can you be so calm when your daughter

is lying in there in a bed of pain?

She's not my daughter and she's not in any pain.

- Pains are coming closer together.

- I'll see you later. - Where are you going?

- Dr. Pixler to get this prescription filled.

- Where did you get that?

- The doctor gave it to me.

- Some doctor, Lori is sick

and he gives you the prescription!

- Bye.

- When will you be back?

- When the bar closes.

- Now watch closely, I wrap the watch in this handkerchief.

Now, put it on the floor.

Okay, now what does that feel like?

- A broken watch.

- Correct, but not for long.

Now say the magic words.

Alakazam, alakazoo, the watch is together as good as new.

- What's that?

- It's a broken watch that I found on your nightstand!

- That's my good, you silly...

- He was just doing some magic tricks for me.

I'm getting tired of just lying here.

- Say, I know another trick.

Have you got a match and a 10 dollar bill?

- Will you... - Here is some orange juice.

- Thank you.

- Are you feeling better?

- Yes ma'am.

- Well you better get to sleep.

- You promised to tell me a story.

- What would you like to hear, Jack and the Bean Bag

or Little Fred Riding Hood?

- Little Fred...

- You said you'd tell me about your father, the king.

- Take my advice and let her tell you

about Jack and the Bean Bag.

- I'd rather hear about Mrs. Douglas's king father.

- Well he was never a...

- Well if that's what everybody wants.

Once upon a time in Hungary there was

a beautiful young princess named Lisa.

- This really is gonna be a fairy tale.

- Don't tread on the royal toes.

Princess Lisa, as I was known in those days,

lived in the royal palace with my father the king.

Everything was going along pretty good in the kingdom.

Taxes were higher, beheadings were up,

and the jails were full.

There was real prosperity.

- That was a very good story now...

- Sit down, I'm not finished.

- I was afraid of that.

- One day tragedy struck.

The bad guys crossed the border and they attacked the palace

and my father and I were forced to flee

and in those days the only place to flee was to Paris.

- Yes, Paris was always the best place for fleas.

- I wish you'd be quiet, you're spoiling the whole mood!

- If I hadn't fled to Paris, you and I

never would have met and got married.

- Is that where it happened?

- I don't know, every time she tells it

it's a different place.

- It was Paris!

I remember my father and I were living in a little attic

in Montmartre and we were starving.

I am home your majesty.

- Lisa, you don't have to call me majesty anymore.

Now that I've lost the throne, I'm just your plain father.

- Yes sir, what are you cooking plain father?

- Pigeon stew.

- Well where did you get the pigeon?

- I was sitting here on the balcony and this little bird...

- That wasn't Herman, the pigeon that comes by

every morning and brings us bread crumbs?

- No, I bought this one.

It's dehydrated pigeon.

All you do is add water and bones

and let it sit and there you are, reconstituted pigeon.

- Where did you get the money to buy it?

- I hocked my earrings.

That's all I had left.

- What about your king crown?

- I had to give that to the landlady for the rent.

- Not the gold one with the diamonds

and the rubies and the emeralds!

- Yes, we are set here for three more days.

- Why didn't you tell me?

We could have hocked my ring.

- Lisa, you must never part with that.

It's the only proof you got that you are the princess.

- But I'm not the princess anymore.

- But you will be, as soon as I can

raise an army and retake the throne.

- Oh what are we going to live on in the meanwhile?

- There is only one thing to do, get a job.

- But father!

- I'll set the alarm clock so that

you can get up early and start looking.

I found an ad in the paper that they were

auditioning dancers at the Moulin Rouge

so I went there to apply.

- Ah, merci beaucoup, next!

What's your name?

- Princess Graunit.

- We don't need any strippers.

- What is a stripper?

- Have you had any experience dancing?

- Well I've seen all the Fred Astaire movies.

- Look...

- And I can do a very good imitation of Ginger Rogers,

would you like to see some?

- Can you can can?

- No but I can try try!

- Next, next.

- But but... - Out out!

- But you could try try, that's what you said to him?

- I thought that was pretty clever.

- The fellow was looking for dancers, not comedians.

- The fellow was pretty fresh, he wanted to see my legs.

- And why didn't you show them to him?

- I was ashamed to, I had a run in my stocking.

- You're not wearing stockings.

- Well then what is this?

- That's the scar you got when you fell down

doing your imitation of Ginger Rogers.

- Oh, well don't worry father.

I'll get a job.

- I'll set the alarm.

- Did you get a job?

- For a while, I made a few francs

posing for an artist who couldn't afford a bowl of fruit.

Then I had to quit because he wanted me

to pose in the N-O-O-D.

- What's that?

- Nude.

- Leave it to you to teach the child words like that!

- I didn't.

- Where did you first meet Mr. Douglas?

- Yeah where did I meet you?

- You don't remember?

- Not this version.

- I met you when I finally got a job as a waitress

in a little sidewalk cafe on the Champs-Elysees.

Will you hold it please?

Thank you.

- You're welcome.

That'll be 50 francs please.

- For what?

- Posing for the picture.

- Oh, just a snapshot.

You see, I'm a tourist.

- Are you Japanese?

- No.

- Then why are you carrying all those cameras?

- I'm an American.

- Then why are you speaking English?

- Well that's what Americans speak.

- Don't they have a language of their own?

- Of course they do.

- Then let's hear you say something in it.

- Uhh.

- That's a nice sounding language.

Would you like to sit down?

- Yes, thank you.

- That'll be 35 francs.

- For what?

- Chair charge.

- Chair ch...

- We used to have a cover charge,

but we don't have any more covers.

- Well okay, put it on my bill.

I'd like a drink, beer?

- A bottle of champagne.

No I don't want...

- There you are.

- I said beer.

- I'm sorry, I don't understand American.

The only word I know is uhh.

- I don't like champagne.

- I'm sorry, once you open the bottle it can't be returned.

- Well, would you like some?

- I'd love some, another bottle of champagne.

- Oh I didn't...

- You didn't have to order another bottle,

I would have been happy to share yours with you.

- Well that's what I had in mind.

- Would you like to see a menu?

- Yes please.

- That'll be 20 francs.

- Just to read the menu?

- 20 francs.

- Just get me a bowl of pretzels.

- What?

- Pretzels!

I said pretzels.

- It's hard to understand you with that Japanese accent.

- No I'm not...

- How long have you been in Paris?

- Oh I just got here this morning from New York.

- What part of Japan is that in?

- I'm not Japanese!

- Well then why are you carrying all those cameras?

- Uhh.

- You speak pretty good American for a Japanese fellow.

- I'm not...

- Have you seen anything of Paris?

- Not yet.

- Would you like a guided tour?

- If I could find a good guide.

- Let me go ask in the back.

You wanted a guide?

- Oh yes...

You're the waitress.

- Also the only Japanese speaking guide in the outfit.

- I told you I don't...

- Now be sure to wear this button at all times.

So I'll know you're part of the tour group.

- What tour group, what does this say?

- How do I know?

I just speak Japanese, I don't read it.

- For the last time...

- Now be sure to follow this pennant at all times

so that you don't get lost.

- Lost, I'm not going to get...

- Would you like to settle your bill before we leave?

- Oh yes yes.

- What did you have?

- Three bottles of champagne!

- That's the famous Eiffel Tower.

You're supposed to be with the tour.

You're not with the tour.

- I am too with the tour.

- Where is your button?

- I must have lost it.

- That will be 40 francs.

- I'm not paying you...

- That is the famous Eiffel Tower,

built by Sam Powell in 1927...

- Hey that wasn't built by Sam...

Follow me.

That's the Arc de Triomphe.

It was built by the famous architectural team

of Harry Arc and Lesley Triomphe.

- Harry Arc and...

- Oh golly, you know what that is Mr. Douglas?

That's the Arch de Triumph.

- Eb, what are you doing here?

- I'm enjoying Mrs. Douglas's story so much,

I imagined I was part of it.

- Get out of here!

Coming!

- How did you like the tour?

- Paris is a beautiful city.

What was that?

- A kiss.

- Oh?

- This is the beau de buloin,

this is where all the lovers come.

- That sounds like fun.

- It is with the right fella.

- Well do you think that I might be the right fellow?

- Well we could try and see.

Don't you Japanese fellows ever take off your cameras?

- I am not Japanese.

- Gee that was romantic.

- Yeah, you Japanese fellers are fast workers.

- Uh...

- Hey, you haven't forgotten how to talk American!

- Tell us some more, Mrs. Douglas.

- Well you really should be asleep...

- Lisa there isn't one grain of truth in this story.

I never met you in Paris!

- No, then how come I imagined I met you

at the Arch de Triumph?

- Well you...

- That night after I kissed Oliver,

I went back to our little attic.

My father wasn't home yet.

I was glad to be alone so I could think about Oliver when...

- Lisa, Lisa!

Bonsoir.

- Bonsoir Toulouse.

How's the painting coming?

- Magnifique, I just finished the bathroom,

now I am going to start with the living room.

- Bon chance.

Papa, where have you been?

- Minding my friend's chestnut stand.

- Then why are you wearing your opera suit?

- Because the stand was outside the opera house.

Would you like some chestnuts?

- No thank you.

- I have news for you Lisa.

- And I have news for you, guess what?

- My news first, I'm the king.

- I thought you were out of the king business.

- Guess who bought some chestnuts from me?

Baron Freidreiser.

- Oh, how is he?

- He's rich!

He made a lot of money backing Sam's tower

and he's offered to finance an army

and help me retake the palace.

- That's wonderful, you'll be back on the throne again.

- Yes, now what's your news daughter?

- I met this wonderful man, he's in love with me

and he wants me to marry him.

- Well, that's going to put glue in the goulash.

- What do you mean?

- The baron's offer came with an if tied to it.

He'll give me the money if you marry him.

- But Papa, I love Oliver!

- Who's Oliver?

- He's the fella I was telling you about.

- Does he have enough money to finance an army for me?

- Well I don't know but I think he must be very rich.

When he came into the cafe this morning,

he bought six bottles of champagne, just like that.

- Six bottles in the morning?

He must be rich.

Why don't you bring him around and let me talk to him?

- Lisa! - Oliver!

- Oh we had a wonderful day yesterday didn't we?

- Yes we did.

- Remember, do you remember last night

on that bench in the park?

- Yes.

- How do you feel this morning?

- I feel all bubbly like a bottle of champagne.

- I didn't order any...

- Oliver, my father wants to talk to you about our marriage.

- Marriage?

Why I never asked you to marriage, to marry me.

- Wouldn't you like to?

- Well I really haven't given it that much,

I don't even know if I love you.

- Well I love you.

You're the only man that ever made my pennant droop.

- What, you, what are you doing?

- Taking off your camera.

- What are you take, oh.

- This one is on the house.

Papa, this is Oliver Douglas.

- How do you do?

He doesn't look Japanese.

I understand that you want to marry the princess.

- Oh no sir, I want to marry your daughter.

- I am the princess.

- What?

- You want to kiss my ring?

- No.

- And this is my father, the king of Hungary.

- I understand you want to marry my daughter.

- That's right.

- Do you have any money?

- I did have, but I spent most of it on champagne and film.

- Have you got enough left to finance a retake?

- A retake?

- An overthrow.

- An overthrow?

- He's not too smart.

- Well you see Oliver, my father was thrown off the throne

and he needs somebody to get rid of the bad guys.

- Oh, now I get it.

This is some kind of a con game you two are playing

with a phony story about needing money.

- You can't talk like that to the king!

- King ha!

- No, king Ha was before my father.

- Oh for...

- No Ofor was the prime minister.

- I'm not interested, of all the gall

making believe you love me just to get money out of me.

I am through, you find some other sucker to bilk.

- Oliver, Oliver!

- Let him go.

- But Papa!

- I'll call the baron and tell him that you'll marry him.

- But I don't love the baron.

- Royalty can't afford love.

- You married Mama for love.

- Yes, I loved the dowry that came with her.

- But Papa.

- Lisa, when you are a princess your duty to your country

and the king comes first.

- Yes, but...

- I'm sorry, but that's the way the blue blood bleeds.

You are going to marry the baron,

and that's an order.

- Yes your majesty.

- She really was a princess.

How could I have doubted her?

I loved her.

Oh Lisa, Lisa.

Hey could you go somewhere else and do that?

Lisa!

- Well are you just going to sit there

or are you going to join the tour?

- The tour?

But I thought you were going to marry the baron.

- I couldn't go through with it.

I wasn't in love with him.

- Oh Lisa.

- Oh there is plenty time for that kind of stuff.

Well are you going to join the tour or aren't you?

- Where are we going?

- To the city hall.

- What are we going there for?

- My father was right, you're not very bright.

They perform marriage ceremonies.

- Oh.

Oh?

- Follow me. - Just a minute.

If we're going to get married, let's get something straight.

From now on, I'm the leader.

Follow me.

- So the beautiful princess married the commoner

and they both lived happily ever after.

Except the princess.

- Golly, what a romantic story!

- Is that the way it really happened?

- Exactly.

- How is it I don't remember any of that?

- Because you were always stoned on champagne.

- There wasn't any champagne or pennants or tours.

- What happened to your father, the king?

- That's another story.

- Let's hear it!

- No no not tonight, Lori has to sleep.

- Oh, goodnight Lori.

Hope you feel better.

- I do already.

- Goodnight Lori.

- Goodnight princess.

- Princess.

All right now where do we sleep?

- We can fix up a bed in the barn.

- Fine.

- Follow the leader.

- Where did that come from?

- I wonder if you can still make my pennant droop.

- Well not without a bottle of champagne.

Where did this come from?

Follow me.

This has been a Filmways presentation, darling.