Original subtitles

- Why are you dusting outside Mrs. Douglas?

- Well Lori, there's an old Hungarian saying,

"A house isn't clean unless it's inside and outside".

- What does that mean?

- You never ask what a Hungarian saying means,

you just do it.

- Mr. Douglas!

Mr. Douglas!

Where's Mr. Douglas?

- He's taking a shower.

- I've gotta show him something in the paper!

Mr. Douglas!

- What is it?

- Look what's in the Hooterville World Guardian

Read it!

- How can I read it you...

Who turned the shower off?

- I did.

- Why did you do that?

- You can't read the paper with the shower running.

- I don't wanna. - I'll read it to ya.

Just a second.

Listen to this.

It's all about little Lori and how come she's living here.

"Lori Baker, heir to the Baker millions,

escaped from her captors last week and made her way

through Simpson Swamp to the home of the Douglases.

When the mafia came to take her away, Mr. Douglas refused

to give her up so they shot him!

- Will you turn the water on please?

- I want to hear the rest of it.

- Mr. Douglas was on the critical list until little Lori

donated four quarts of her blood to save his life,

and in gratitude the Douglases have adopted her.

- So that's how she got here.

- Who wrote that story?

- Mr. Drucker, from the facts I gave him.

- I should have known, it's a bunch of nonsense.

- You mean that isn't the way it happened?

- You know as well as I do that Lori came out here

with three other children from the city,

it came time to go home, she slipped off the train,

we agreed to let her stay another couple of weeks.

- Yeah, well that may be the way it really happened

but who would wanna read a dull story like that

in the shower?

♪ Green Acres is the place to be

♪ Farm living is the life for me

♪ Land spreading out so far and wide

♪ Keep Manhattan just give me that countryside

♪ New york is where I'd rather stay

♪ I get allergic smelling hay

♪ I just adore a penthouse view

♪ Darling I love you but give me Park Avenue

♪ The chores ♪ The stores ♪ Fresh air

♪ Time Square ♪ You are my wife

♪ Goodbye city life

♪ Green Acres, we are there

- Now watch carefully.

First comes the executive producer.

I don't know why he comes first.

He must be a relative or something.

Now comes the written bys.

They're number two, so they have to try harder.

Now comes the most important one,

directed by.

- What are you two looking at?

- Mrs. Douglas was showing me the names.

- What names?

- The ones we see once in a while.

- Lisa, I don't...

- Well I thought as long as Lori's living here

she aught to know what they are.

- I live here, I don't know what they are.

- Oh, where are you going?

- You know, expecting my seed corn.

I've gotta get 30 acres plowed by the end of the week.

- Can I help you?

- Uh, no thank you Lori, this is a little rough.

Thank you anyway.

- Oliver!

Oliver!

Oliver, if Lori can't help you today, what can she do?

- I don't know,

let her play with some of the children around here.

- Well she doesn't know any of them.

- Well introduce her.

- That's a wonderful idea!

I'll give a party for the kids to meet her.

- Fine.

- And may I have $700 please?

- What for?

- The hors d'oeuvres, the band and the waiters.

- Oh Lisa, just giver her a little simple party.

Some cake, ice cream, some lemonade.

Here, $10.

- A cheapskate party.

- Yeah, a cheapskate party.

- Well what are the kids going to do at the party

if they don't have a band to dance to?

- Honey, they'll find something to do.

Just keep it simple.

- That's what you want her to have, a simple $10 party.

- Right.

- Well, there goes the last of the big spenders.

Now, what kind of a party would you like to have?

- I don't know but didn't Mr. Douglas say to keep it simple?

- We can do that.

We can have a simple costume party,

or a simple theater party, or a simple yachting party.

- I've never been on a yacht, what do you do?

- You spend most of your time running around on the deck

trying to get away from the fellow who invited you.

- That doesn't sound like much fun.

- Depends on who is chasing you.

- Oh.

- This is your party,

so you pick out the kind you would like.

- I don't know, I never had party before.

- Not even on your birthday?

- No.

My aunt was going to take me to the circus once,

but she couldn't afford it.

- Would you like a circus party?

- That would be sensational!

- Okay!

Then we'll have a simple circus party.

- It's no use.

- Aww, of all the times for this thing to break down,

just when we need it.

- You aught to buy a new one.

- Do you know how much a new tractor would cost?

- Well, it seems to me if you can afford to buy an elephant

you can afford to buy a tractor.

- Uh huh, what are you talking about, huh?

What, what?

Where did this come from?

- Originally from India.

Hey nay.

It was owned by His Royal Highness,

the Marijuana of Rinkatoupu.

That's a small town in downtown India.

- Rinkatoupu?

- Now this here is a sacred elephant.

- Golly!

I've never seen one up close before.

- Eb, please don't look at the elephant.

- Why not?

- According to local superstition, any commoner who

looks at it will have his nose fall off.

- Aw, of all the...

- He's right, my nose is lose!

- Go on in the house and glue it back on.

- Sorry to be so unfriendly to the boy,

but the only ones who may gaze upon the sacred elephant

are royalty, World War II veterans,

and anybody who rents him for $300 a day.

- I don't want an elephant.

- But your wife ordered him for the circus party

she's having for the children.

- If she ordered it let her pay for it.

- Well she offered to but she didn't have any "rajmas".

That's the local currency in Rinkatoupu.

- I don't have any rajmas.

- Well, you just give me your check for $300

American money and I'll have it converted at the bank.

- Uh huh.

Goodbye Mr. Haney.

- But Mr. Douglas... - Out!

- Alright, but you better never go to Rinkatoupu.

I don't think you're gonna get a very warm welcome.

- Lisa?

- Just sit still till all the glue dries.

- The glue?

- I'm helping Eb's nose.

- With his... - Well it's a little loose,

but I don't think it's going to fall off.

Golly, so...

- It didn't bounce out here did it?

- No I don't think so.

Maybe it's under the stove.

- Of all the...

- How did you like the elephant?

- Oh I didn't.

I told Haney to take him away.

- Why?

- He's too expensive.

- Well it was only 70,000 rajmas.

- I don't care.

- I found it!

- Where?

- It was in the Jell-O.

- You're gonna lose it for good in just about...

- Oliver, how can Lori have a circus party

without an elephant?

- Lisa I told you, just have a simple party.

We don't need elephants.

- But Lori wanted one.

- Lisa, I got enough problems.

The tractor broke down and I've gotta get it a director

to see if I can get a part to fix it in a hurry.

- But what about Lori's party?

- Well have it but make it a plain party.

- Oh!

- Why hello Mr. Drucker.

- Oh, Mr. Douglas.

- I wonder if you could...

- Say, before I forget I wonder if you'd mind

taking this home to the missus for her approval.

- What is it?

- It's the invitation she wanted,

it's a sample of it, for Lori's coming out party.

- Coming out?

- Mrs. Douglas wanted some real fancy engraving done

so I'm gonna have to take 'em up to a printer in Pixley.

Its gonna cost you about 60 rajmas a piece.

- 60...

- By the way, did you rent the elephant?

- No, I didn't.

We're not having a big fancy party.

- Seems to me that's the least you could do

for a little girl that saved your life

by giving you four quarts of blood.

- She didn't give...

Look, Eb made up that stupid story.

I'm surprised you didn't check it before you printed it.

- Wasn't any of it true?

- No.

- Well, you gotta admit it makes good reading in the shower.

- Yeah.

- Oh, I got the bill of lading for your seed corn,

it should be here in two or three days.

- Oh, is there any way you can tell them

to hold up the delivery?

My tractor's broken, I can't start plowing unless

you can order me a part in time.

- What part do you need?

- Oh, it's that little do-hickey that fits

into the whatcha-ma-call-it.

- Let me get a catalog.

- Uh huh.

- What kind of tractor was that again?

- A Hoyt-Clagwell.

A Hoyt-Clagwell.

- What's so funny?

- Oh, I'm sorry.

- Oh, come.

- Let's see now.

Oh, here we are.

Here we, oh no, that's a thing-a-ma-bob.

You needed a do-hickey didn't ya?

- Yeah, it's... - Here it is.

Did you want the large do-hickey or the small one?

- Oh, small one.

- They don't make those anymore.

- Well maybe I can scavenge one from another tractor.

Anybody else around here own a Hoyt-Clagwell?

- No, folks around here are pretty level headed.

- How am I gonna get the tractor running?

- Well maybe I could have Hammering Hannah

make a do-hickey for you.

- Who's Hammering Hannah?

- She's the blacksmith over in Pixley.

Her husband's a dentist.

She hand-forges all the braces for his patients.

- Ah look, Mr. Drucker, I'm in a spot.

Will you see if she'll make me the part?

- Yes sir.

What about the invitations?

- Oh, forget 'em.

We're just gonna have a plain party.

Lisa!

- Mr. Douglas thank you, thank you for the plane party!

Mr. Haney's gonna give us each a ride in it.

- For only $8 a piece, each little nipper will be taken up

for an immelmann, an outside roll and a brief wing walk.

- Mr. Haney, get this outta here!

- Oliver, I don't see why you're so mad.

You were the one that said have a plane party.

- Well I wasn't talking about a plane plane,

I was talking about a plain plain.

- Well if you just get in in, I'll be glad to take you

for a ride ride in my plane plane.

- Mr. Haney, I'm gonna shoot you down in flames.

- Can't we have it for the party?

- No!

- But Oliver!

- You've got to admit, the price is very nominal.

Especially in a plane that was personally piloted

by Baron von Richthofen.

Mr. Haney.

- Oh Oliver, don't you want little Lori

to have a good time?

- I'm not going to rent that thing!

- Oh, Oliver!

- But Mr. Douglas, I've never had a plane ride before.

- Oh, you couldn't go up in that.

You'd never get that off the ground,

that's nothing but an old...

- I thought you said it couldn't fly?

- That's what he told the Wright Brothers,

it's a good thing they didn't listen to him.

Well, you canceled the elephant, you canceled the plane,

you canceled the invitations, you're a real party pooper.

- Lisa, believe me the kids will have just as much fun

eating ice cream and cake and playing a few games.

- Oliver, Lori never had a party before.

We should make it something she can remember.

- Lisa, will you please stop bothering me.

If I don't get this tractor running,

I wont be able to do my plowing.

- Just like a father, always too busy

to worry about their children's problems.

- I'm not her father!

- That's the only good thing that happened to the child

since she got here.

- Goodbye Lisa.

- Oh, I have one more suggestion.

How about a rock festival for the children?

- A rock festival?

- Yes.

They can all get rocks and throw them at you.

- Oh, Mr. Kimball.

- Who?

Oh, yes.

Hello Mr. Douglas.

Can I be of any assistance?

- No thanks.

- Mr. Kimball, would you mind not humming in my ear?

- Oh, I'm sorry.

- Mr. Kimball, I'm trying to fix this thing.

- Well what seems to be wrong with it?

- A piece broke off.

- Oh.

What kind of a tractor is this?

- It's a Hoyt-Clagwell.

- Hoyt-Clagwell?

- What's so funny?

- Oh its nothing, it's a Hoyt-Clagwell huh?

- Well Mr. Kimball, isn't there anybody else you can annoy?

- Yeah, I guess I could go over an annoy...

No, I annoyed him yesterday.

Uh, maybe I could...

No, I have an appointment to annoy him next week.

I guess it's your turn today.

- Goodbye My. Kimball!

- Oh, goodbye Mr. Douglas.

- This is probably why you can't get it started.

- What?

You couldn't get the part anywhere?

Well, alright I'll come in and pick up the seed.

Thanks for calling Mr. Drucker.

- Oliver, guess what?

What's the matter?

- Oh, nothing.

- Well then why do you look so discoxorated?

- Because I am discus, disgusted.

Mr. Drucker can't get the part for the tractor

and the seed corn's arrived, what am I gonna do?

- Maybe you'll feel better if I give you some good news.

- Well I could stand some.

- Well, Lori and I talked it over and we decided

we're going to give a simple party just like you said.

With ice cream, and cake, and lemonade and we play games.

- Good.

- Does that make you happy?

- That makes me happy, yeah.

- May I have $900 please?

- What for?

- To buy the party dresses!

Lori doesn't have a thing to wear and neither do I,

so I thought we'd go to New York and buy them.

- Lisa!

- Mother and daughter outfits, won't that look cute?

- Yes.

- Well, may I have the money?

- Yes, here.

Here's $10.

Now you go over to Pixley's at the Emporium

and you pick up something off the rack.

- Well, it might be alright for you to wear dresses

off the rack, but it isn't alright for us.

- Lisa, don't you realize I have a very serious problem.

- So do we.

- You work on your problem and I'll work on mine.

Now I've gotta go into Drucker's.

Where's Eb?

- He took Lori for a walk.

- What kind of bird is that Eb?

- Oh, that's a double-breasted Tennessee Muskalark.

- Looks like a sparrow to me.

- Well, you see a lot of sparrows masquerade as muskalarks.

It gives 'em status.

- You sure know a lot about nature.

- Well, that's 'cause I was born on a farm.

- Where?

- Under a cabbage.

- A cabbage?

- Yeah, that's where the stork left me.

- Storks don't bring babies.

- They did in the old days,

before the airplane was invented.

- Are you sure?

- Well, I'm here aren't I?

- Eb, you're teasing me.

- Well... - You're fun.

I wish I had a brother like you.

- You know, maybe if I could get the Douglases

to adopt me then I could adopt you.

- Do you think they would?

- She might, but he wouldn't if it cost more than $10.

Eb, Eb!

- Is that Mr. Douglas?

- No, that's a red-beaked parrot.

There's one around here that does a great imitation of him.

Why does Lori ever have to go back?

- Oh because.

- I know, because you hate children.

You hate 'em, you hate 'em!

- Oh I do not.

- You hate me.

- That's easy.

- You could adopt her.

- Eb, she just came here for a vacation.

She's got an aunt back in New York.

- Maybe you could adopt the aunt.

- Just unload the sacks.

- What's the hurry?

You can't plant anything without the tractor.

- I'm gonna try to rent one.

- Oliver!

Oliver, I have to talk to you.

- Honey, I'm busy.

- But it's important.

- Whatever it is, here's $10.

- Thank you.

Now, what I wanted to ask you is if you would

pick up the ice cream and the cake tomorrow morning.

- Lisa, if you worried as much about my plowing

as you do about that party...

- Oh, will you do it please?

- I just told Eb I've gotta hunt for a tractor.

- Ill pick up the party stuff Mrs. Douglas.

- Thank you!

Give him $10.

- I just gave you $10.

- I already deposited that.

- Will you get outta here.

- Why, what did I do now?

- I'm talking to Arnold.

- Oh, hello there Arnold.

- What's he doing here?

- He's invited to the party.

- Well he's a little early.

And why is he wearing that dumb Red Baron outfit?

- Oh I forgot to tell him the plane party was canceled.

No, we're not having the elephant either.

- How do you know what...

- Is anything wrong?

I heard a noise and I... What's that?

- Oh that's Arnold Ziffel.

He's one of the kids that I invited to your party.

- He's not a kid, he's a pig.

- Now you hurt his feelings.

- Good.

- I'm pleased to meet you Arnold.

I've heard a lot about you.

Thank you, I think you're cute too.

I'm glad you're coming to my party.

No, it's not a birthday party.

- How come everybody can understand him except me?

- Because you never listen to what he says.

- If you'll excuse me.

- Where are you going?

- I'm gonna take a shower and get dressed,

and start hunting for a tractor.

- Will you be back in time for my party?

- I'll do my best.

- While you're showering I'll start breakfast.

What would you like to have?

- She's talking to me.

- What do you want?

- Ham and eggs.

- We don't have any ham.

- We could have.

There's a pig that's all chicken.

- Hello dear.

- Hi.

- You blew the whole party.

- But we saved you some ice cream and cake.

- Oh, thank you.

- Doesn't Lori look pretty?

- Oh yes, yes.

- We had a great time.

We played all kinds of games.

Pin the tale on the donkey, a potato race.

- The one the children liked the best

was the scavenger hunt.

Mm-hm.

I wish I could have been here but I spent the whole day

trying to rent a tractor, nobody would rent me one.

- Well I wouldn't worry about that.

- Well maybe you wouldn't but I have to.

If I don't get this acreage plowed this week

it'll be too late to plant.

- Well, it's about time you got back.

I've already plowed three acres.

- How did you get the tractor running?

- We put a new do-hickey in it.

- Where did you get it?

- One of the kids found it on the scavenger hunt.

- Eb showed us what the part looked like,

and we all went out and looked at it,

and one of the kids came back with it.

He won first prize.

- Which was $10.

I know that's your favorite amount.

- Goodnight Lori.

- Goodnight Mr. Douglas.

- Goodnight sweetheart.

- Thanks again for the party,

it's the nicest thing that ever happened to me.

- Oh, I'm glad you enjoyed it.

Sleep tight.

- Lisa.

- What?

- Whose idea was the scavenger hunt?

- Mine.

- Ah huh.

You know, sometimes I don't appreciate you.

- Most of the time.

- Well I think you don't care anything about the farm

and then you do something like that.

- Like what?

- Like figuring out a way to get the part for the tractor.

- I'm a good kid.

- Yes you are.

- Of course, I don't have to be good all the time.

- Oh?

Didn't anybody ever tell you to knock?

- He wants his $10.

- $10?

- Yes, he's the one that found the do-hickey.

- Oh, oh.

Hey I don't have any change,

I'll give it to you in the morning.

- He says, in that case he'll sleep here tonight.