Original subtitles

♪ Green Acres is the place to be

♪ Farm livin' is the life for me

♪ Land spreadin' out so far and wide

♪ Keep Manhattan just give me that countryside

♪ New York is where I'd rather stay

♪ I get allergic smelling hay

♪ I just adore a penthouse view

♪ Darlin', I love you but give me Park Avenue

♪ The chores ♪ The stores ♪ Fresh air

♪ Times Square ♪ You are my wife

♪ Goodbye, city life

♪ Green Acres we are there

- Well, we'll take two tickets.

- Yes, we haven't been to a dance since we moved here.

- Well, you'll enjoy this.

The Sons of Hooterville always throw a slam bang bash.

That'll be $4, $2 a ticket.

- That says 75 cents.

- That's the price to Sons.

Outsiders have to pay full price.

- Why aren't you a member, Oliver?

- He ain't eligible, to be a Son of Hooterville

you have to live here for 25 years,

unless you marry somebody that's lived here 15 years,

then you only have to live here 10 years,

unless somebody in your family is born here,

then you only need five, or any combination thereof.

- Well, we only lived here for three years,

so Oliver can't get in.

- He might become an associate Son.

- How do you do that?

- Well, if you can find a Son of Hooterville

that's movin' away, you can buy his years,

but then you'd have to use his name.

- Who's band is playing for the dance?

- We were gonna have Guy Lombardo,

but somebody lost the records.

- You just play records?

- Oh no, we have live entertainment.

Matter of fact, the entertainment gets liver

as the punch bowl gets lower.

Next to the basketball game put on

by the Daughters of Hooterville,

this is our biggest social event.

- Oh, do you care to join me?

- I might, if I knew what you were doing.

- What does it look like?

- It looks like you're trying to squirm

out of a tight girdle.

- Now, what did you do that for?

I was practicing for the dance.

- You call that dancing?

- That's the way they dance nowadays.

Do you want to try it with me?

You stand here and I stand over there.

- On the other side of the room?

- That's the way they dance nowadays.

The further away the better.

You're not doing it!

- What do you need me for?

- Well, I can't dance by myself.

I've got to have somebody to shake at.

- Well, just do kind of a general shake,

to whom it may concern.

- Oliver!

- No, I like the old fashioned way

where you take the girl in your arms.

- What do you call this? - Dancing!

- Feels more like clutching, to me.

- What's wrong with clutching?

- Nothing, except they don't do it while they dance anymore.

- Why don't we compromise?

I'll clutch and you shake.

- It won't work, either we both shake or we both clutch.

- Lisa, if we go to the dance,

we're going to dance this way.

Ya da da da da da da da da da.

Ya da da da da da.

Ya da da da da da.

Do you want something, Eb?

- Yes, sir, but it can wait til you've finished clutchin'.

- We're waltzing.

- What's that?

This is the way they dance now.

Why don't you get a girl and join in?

- Okay, happy hour's over, everybody back to work.

- Mr. Douglas, I've already done my chores.

I milked Eleanor, fed the chickens,

cultivated the corn, sprayed the tomaters,

washed your car and swept off the front porch.

- It's only 10:00 and you've done all that?

- Yes, sir, I just wanted to show my appreciation

for the $50 advance you're gonna give me on my salary.

- $50? - Yes, sir.

I figured I'd ask you for 50, and you would offer five,

so I'll settle for 20.

- You'll settle for nothing.

- I didn't figure on that figure.

Mr. Douglas, I need money.

- So do I. - What for?

- You didn't ask me what for.

- I'll give you what for.

- I need a new dress for the dance.

- Lisa, you've got...

- All I need is $3,000.

- Lisa, you have to be out of our mid.

$3,000 for a dress?

- The dress is only $400, but the rest is

for the plane ticket to go to Paris and to get it.

- Lisa, you've got plenty of dresses, wear one of those.

- Now that you've saved yourself $3,000,

you can afford to give me the 20 without any sweat.

- If I went to New York, I could probably

cut the cost to 1,500.

- The answer to both of you is no.

- There the goes the last of the big cheapskates.

- Yeah, and there goes the end of my romance with Lorelei.

- Is that what you needed the money for?

- Yes, ma'am, it's her birthday next week

and I wanted to buy her a nice present

and take her out to some swanky place for dinner,

like the Pixeli Diner with tablecloths.

- Don't give up yet, Eb.

Like my mother always says,

"There is more than one way to skin a mink."

- Mr. Douglas!

Golly, dingerfritz, what are you doin'?

- I'm trying to get rid of some of these weeds.

- The master of the plantation shouldn't be doin' serf work.

- Serf... - Here, give me that.

Now, you go over and sit under the tree in the shade

and I'll come over and fan you from time to time.

- Eb, I'm not advancing you the $20.

- That was the fartherest thing from my mind.

- Eb, there's no reason why you should need an advance.

You get a good salary, what do you do with it?

- I send it home, they like a good laugh now and then too.

- Look, Eb... All I'm asking for is $20.

- What do you need it for?

- It's Lorelei's birthday, and I want to buy her

a present and take her out to dinner...

- You knew Lorelei had a birthday coming up,

why didn't you save for it?

- I did, I had $30, and one day I was

at the doctor's office and, well,

I don't know what came over me,

but I up and treated everybody to flu shots.

- Oh boy, Eb, when is her birthday?

- Next Thursday.

- That gives you almost a week to earn whatever you need.

- But Mr. Douglas, I can't earn the whole...

- That's what I used to do when I needed extra money.

I worked evenings.

- You've seen Hooterville at night.

What is there to do around here?

- Well, you're an enterprising young man,

you'll think of something.

- Who is it? - It's me, sweetie.

- Come in. - Are you decent?

- Just come in. - Okay.

Your knob came off.

- Oh, for the love of Pete.

- There's a lot of that going around.

- Ralph, you...

- You should have been at the doctor the other day.

Eb treated everybody to flu shots.

- I think you broke something.

- Yeah, probably.

Where is it?

- Where is what? - My dress.

- What dress? - The one I gave $2 to Eb for

to rent for the dance.

- You gave Eb...

- He told me how hard up for cash you are.

- I'm not... - I think it's a wonderful way

to raise money, renting your wife's dresses for an evening.

Now where are they?

- Look, we're not renting...

- Oh, hello, hello there, Ralph.

- You know what that stupid Ed did?

- That's a fine way to talk about the boy

when he's tryin' to help shore up

your shaky financial foundation.

- I don't have a shaky foundation.

- No, he's a clutcher.

- Lisa, Eb is trying to raise that $20

by renting your clothes.

- Well, you told him to be enterprising.

- Well, I didn't mean he should...

- Can I see the dresses?

- We're not renting any dresses.

- You took my $2, what kind of a racket

are you running here?

- Look, I'll see that Eb gives you back your money.

- I'd rather have the dress, I haven't got anything

to wear to the dance.

- Well, I'll be glad to lend you one.

And you don't have to pay anything for it.

- I don't? - Of course not.

- Well then why did you take my $2.

- I didn't...

Here's your $2.

- Come, let's see if we can find a dress for you to wear.

- Do you think you can find something

to make me look sexy?

- Try one of my suits.

- I come after the dollar and a half mink coat.

- What?

- The one's you're rentin' for the dance.

- Wait a minute, we're not renting any mink coats.

- Oh yeah, your son, Eb, said you were worried

that people would find out you were flat on your uppers.

- I'm not flat on anything, and he is not my son.

- Oh ho ho ho, I got his signature right here

on this receipt, you see that there, Eb Douglas.

- His name is Eb Dawson.

- And you're Mr. Dawson.

- No, my name is Douglas.

- Uh huh, changed it to avoid your creditors.

- No, lady, I didn't...

- Where are the coats?

- For the last time...

- Oh hi, Minnie. - Oh hi, Lila.

Say, that's pretty.

- I got it from Mrs. Douglas for the dance.

- How much do they rent fer?

- Mrs. Douglas is lending it to me for nothing.

- Then how come you're charging me

a dollar and a half for a fur coat?

- Oh Oliver, you shouldn't have done that.

- I didn't, Eb did.

- Well, if you need a fur coat for the dance,

I've got plenty of them.

I'll be glad to lend you one for nothing.

- Lisa...

- Can I have my dollar and a half back?

- Here, there you are.

- Come into the bedroom, Mrs...

- Holcombe. - I'm Lisa Douglas.

- Pleased to meet up with your acquaintance.

- Well, let's go.

- Mrs. Douglas, I think a fur coat

would look awful good with this.

- You can have one.

- Can I have a dress to go with the fur coat?

Lisa!

We're not renting any dresses or fur coats.

- Oh, then I won't be able to go to the dance.

- Mr. Kimball, I thought it was...

Well, what can I do for you?

- May I have the keys to your car, please?

- The keys to my...

- Now, let me get this straight.

You charge three cents a mile for the first 50 miles

and then two cents a mile for every mile thereafter

and you pay for the gasoline.

Or is it three cents a mile for the gasoline,

you pay for the first 50 miles?

Well, whatever it is, I'm sure glad that Eb told me

about your car rental service.

- My car is not for rent.

- That's it, Mr. Douglas, put up a good front.

No sense in lettin' everybody know that you're down and out.

Have you had anything to eat today?

- Of course!

- I haven't, I gave Eb my last $3 to rent the car.

- Look, here's your $3 back.

- Oh no, no, no, you keep it.

You need it worse than I do.

- I don't need it!

- Mr. Douglas, I admire your courage.

I mean, a lot of men in your position would be crying

and whining, but not you, you're taking it like a...

Come to think of it, I gave Eb $4 to rent the car.

- Here's the other dollar.

- What's this for?

- You said you gave him $4.

- What for? - To rent my car!

- Oh, may I have the keys to your car, please?

- No! - But I... - Beat it!

Ooh, that Eb, if I ever get my hands on him!

- When you've placed the dance steps on the floor

in the pattern indicated,

you are ready to start.

Place your left foot on footprint number one

and your right foot on footprint number two.

Now, move the left foot from position one to position three.

Now slide the right foot to position four.

Now move your left foot gracefully to position five

while clapping hands in rhythm overhead

and wigglin' the hips.

Oh, hi.

Just practicin' my mail order Watusi.

I wanted to learn somethin' new for the dance.

Seems the girls today prefer shakers to clutchers.

- Well look, I won't keep you, I'm looking for Eb.

- Oh, he was here jut a few minutes ago.

I think he said he was gonna go over and see Haney.

- Uh huh, thank you, thank you.

- By the way, Mr. Douglas, would 7:00 tonight be alright?

- For what? - To come over

and pick up the tuxedo I rented.

- Did Eb rent you...

- Yeah, I paid him the $2.50 in advance.

- Mr. Drucker...

- I sure am sorry to hear things are goin' so bad for you.

- Look, Mr. Drucker, there is nothing,

here, here's your $2.50 back.

- Are you sure you're not givin' me this just to save face?

Eb said you might.

- Forget what Eb said, wait'll I find him!

- The reason I came to you, Mr. Haney,

is because you're so good at raisin' money.

- Oh, it's just a natural born talent I have,

like some people have for music.

Now, you take my cousin.

He could pick out a tune on a zither

when he was only two years old.

- Which cousin was that?

- Oh, you've seen him, the kid with the swollen fingers.

- Well, my problem ain't musical, it's monetary.

- Uh, just how much monetary does it involve?

- $20, I've already got 10, but I need 10 more.

- You've got $10? - Yes, sir.

- Can I see it?

- Here you are, right here.

- Do you mind if I count it?

You're right, there's $10 there alright.

Now, what can I do for you?

- Well, for one thing you can give me back my $10.

- Oh, didn't I give that back to you?

- No, sir!

- You say you got $10, and you need $10 more.

- I had 10, but you have it.

- Oh, you mean my consultation fee.

- Consultation fee!

- Well, you don't expect to come over here and get advice

from my natural born money makin' talents for nothin'.

- Mr. Haney, I want my money back.

- No need to get your riles up.

You're investin' that 10 in the franchise.

You are the Midwest distributor

for Lickwell's Liver Lotion.

- Liver Lotion!

- You sell these and you'll wind up with the $20 you need.

- Who will buy this stuff?

- Anybody who sees these.

They're part of the sales kit we furnish you with.

- What are those?

- Before and after liver x-rays.

- Where's the liver?

- In the icebox so the cat can't get it.

We furnish you with that little sales joke free of charge.

Now, notice how tired and droopy the liver is

in the before, now look at the after.

Did you ever see a more soothed, happier liver in your life?

- I can't tell the difference.

- Well, that's because you ain't a liver.

Just take my word for it.

- Well, if you think I can sell it.

- You won't have as much trouble as Dr. Ehrlich had

with his magic bullet.

- Thank you, Mr. Haney, thank you very much.

You've solved all my... Uh oh. - Eb!

- Double uh oh.

- I've been looking all over for you.

- It's good to see ya, Mr. Douglas.

- You keep out of this.

You owe me $10.

- I'm keepin' out of this.

- But Mr. Douglas...

- I've refunded all the money you got for those rentals.

You had no right to do that.

- But... - $10!

- Well, here you are.

- What's this?

- You are now the Midwest distributor

for Lickwell's Liver Lotion.

- Liver lotion, what does that do?

- I don't know.

- It says so here on the label.

Softens chapped livers.

- Chapped livers? - MM hm.

- They must mean chopped livers.

Chapped livers.

- That's wonderful, and you're the Midwest distributor.

- Come in.

- Hi, Miss Douglas.

- Oh, hello there, Mrs. Holcombe.

- Mr. Douglas, I'm just returning your coat and dress.

I won't be able to go to the dance.

- Oh, that's a shame, what's wrong?

- Well, I can't get a babysitter.

Everybody in town's goin'.

- Shine sir, it's only a dollar per shoe per shine,

or a $1.98 for the set, or 12 pair for $20,

or you can join my shine of the month club...

- Will you get lost with that...

- Either of you two ladies interested?

- No, but, Eb, if you want to make some money,

Mrs. Holcomb needs a babysitter

for the dance tomorrow night.

- I usually give $2 for the night.

- 20 would be better.

- Take the two, it's a start.

- You know, Eb, if you get enough babysittings job,

you would have your money in no time.

- Yeah, no time, I'll do it!

- Lisa, how long you going to be?

- I'll only be a few more minutes.

- Is Eb here? - Uh, no.

- Are you Mr. Douglas. - Yes.

- Well, Eb said I should leave Tommy with you.

Here's his bottle, he gets it at eight.

I'll pick him up at 12:00, thanks, bye.

- Wait, just a second.

- Well, I'm ready.

Well, where did you get this?

- Some woman just left him.

- Anybody you know?

- I never saw her before in my...

- Oh, isn't he cute?

Yeah.

Here, here, hold it.

- Hello there, are you Mr. Douglas?

- Yes.

- Eb told me to leave Charlie with you.

Now, his bottle and his didies and his rattle

are right in here, he gets fed at 9:15.

I'll pick him up after the dance, goodnight.

- Wh, wh, wh, miss, missus.

I don't know.

- Oliver, Oliver where are you going to put these?

- Don't ask, where is that stupid Eb?

Eb! - Howdy.

Oh, I see two of them got here already.

- Yeah. - These are the Beasley kids.

Bradley and Sarah.

- Eb, what do you think you're doing here?

Running some kind of a,

Eb, what are you up to?

- Usin' my good old American ingenuity.

Wholesale babysittin'.

- You're going to babysit all four of them?

- No, ma'am, 10. - What!

- Ain't this a keano idea?

10 babies at $2 a baby,

and I've made my whole $20 in one evening.

Holy smoke, I gotta get movin'.

I got six more to pick up.

- Eb, come back here!

- Seven, eight, nine, ten.

Well, they're all here.

Thanks a lot for letting me use your bedroom.

Now I want you to go to the dance and have a good time.

- You expect to take care of all 10

of these kids by yourself?

- No, sir, there's this friend of mine coming over

to help me out.

That must be him now, come in!

Arnold, you're late.

- That's the friend that's gonna help you?

- Yes, sir, he's an experienced baby herder.

You see, in case any of these little babies start

to crawl away, Arnold rounds 'em up and herds 'em back.

- You're not going to let that pig

get anywhere near those kids.

Out!

Out!

Of all the stupid things...

- What is all the yelling about?

- Eb... why did you change clothes?

- Well, we can't go to the dance

and leave all the babies alone here with Eb.

- No, I guess we can't.

- Well, as long as you're not going,

can I have your tickets?

- No. - Well, there's no sense

in all of us staying here.

- You're not leaving, if you hadn't...

Quiet, quiet. - Look what you've done.

- That ain't no way to handle kids.

Cool it, or nobody gets to watch the boob tube.

You gotta use child psychology.

- Yeah, child psychology.

- Well, we've got to get organized.

These babies have to be bottled, changed and burped.

We all have to pitch in.

- This one is ready for the burping department.

Yeah, just a minute.

Thatta boy.

That was me.

There you go.

- Here, change this.

- Isn't this fun?

- This is a great way to enjoy a dance.

- Ain't that a great feeling?

♪ Lullaby and goodnight

♪ La la la da da da

♪ La da dee da la da dee

♪ La da da da da da

- Oliver. - Hm?

- Look at how quiet they are. - Yeah.

- You've got such a wonderful voice to put people to sleep.

- Thank you.

You'd make a wonderful father.

- Well, you'd make a beautiful mother.

- Eb, why don't you watch where you're going?

- Back to work, Elvis.

- Ya da da ya da da da ya da da da da da da dee

La da da da la da da da la da da da da da da