Original subtitles

- Good morning, sweetheart.

- Oh, it's you.

- Who were you expecting?

- I was dreaming about.

- Who?

- Oh, big movie star like that wouldn't want her name

bandied about in a strange bedroom.

- I remember when you used to dream about me.

- I was just teasing you.

Come here.

- Oliver, do you love me?

- Mm Hmm.

- That's good because I love you.

You know, Oliver, we have an anniversary coming up soon.

- I knew you were leading up to something.

You want a present, huh?

- Mm Hmm.

- What?

- Well, I've been thinking of all the

anniversary presents you could give me,

there is one thing I would like to have the most.

- What's that?

- I want to get married.

- Oh, Lisa.

Are you going to go over all that again?

- Well, you promised.

- Lisa, we are married.

- Not the way I want to be.

- I don't know how we could be any more married

than we are now.

- Well, we are just city hall married.

I want to be married in a church.

Me in a bridal gown and you in a frog coat.

- I don't look good in a frog coat.

I haven't got the legs for it.

- Oliver you'd make me so happy if you could.

- Lisa, isn't it a little silly to go through all that

after we've been married for 11 years?

- Ten.

- Eleven.

- Ten.

- Eleven.

- Well, that should be easy to settle.

Where is our marriage license?

- I haven't got it.

I never even saw it.

- You did too.

Remember you signed it right in front

of the mayor of Budapest.

It had a big red seal.

- Oh, that.

Oh, you're mother grabbed that right after the ceremony

and stuck it in her safe deposit box.

Along with the prenuptial agreement she made me sign.

- Well, I'll write to her and I'll make her send it to us

and then you'll see.

- Now, when I tell you, turn the ignition key.

- You mean like this?

- Lisa, I didn't want you to turn the key til I told you.

- Well, I'm sorry, Oliver.

- Well, every time I leave the farm

you two get into some kind of mischief.

- Where have you been?

- I went into Druckers and got the mail.

- Oh, well let's have it.

- Okay, this one's for ya

but I don't think you'll want it.

Oh, here's one for ya.

I don't think you'll want that one either.

Or that.

- Will you stop censoring my mail.

- They're bills and I know what a foul mood

they always put you in.

- You're absolutely right.

- It's better to censor your mail

than it is to have to censor your language.

- You're absolutely right.

- Lisa, I don't need you telling him that he's right.

- You're absolutely right.

- May I have my mail, please.

- Oh, here's one for you Mrs. Douglas.

- Oh. Oh, it's from my mother.

- Golly, keddle fingers.

What does grandma say?

- She's not your grandmother.

- Fine thing, denying your own son a grandmother.

- You're not my.

Look Eb, go on do your chores.

- Whatever you say, dad.

Out.

- Oliver, look at the license.

Well, Mr. Smarty, look at the date.

We're married 10 years.

- Oh, well, I guess you're right.

- Isn't this beautiful?

Look at the seal and the fancy printing.

- What does it say?

- Read it.

- I can't read Hungarian.

- I translate it for you.

This is to certify that Lisa Gronyitz,

that was my maiden name.

- I know.

- And Oliver Wendell Douglas are hereby, uh oh.

- What's the matter?

- There's a mistake.

- Mistake?

- Yes, it says that Lisa Gronyitz

and Oliver Wendell Douglas are licensed

to practice dentistry.

- Fine.

- That's what it says.

- Oh, how could it?

It's a marriage license.

- It doesn't say anything about marriage.

- Well, that's it.

Do you know what this means?

We're not man and wife.

We're two dentists together.

- Oh, come on.

- Well, that's what we are.

- Lisa, you sure you translated it correctly?

- Look, right here, fogorvos,

that means dentist in Hungarian.

- I don't believe it.

- Well, we can fix it real simply.

On our 10th anniversary, we can go to church

with a minister and the bridal gown

and the rice and have it made official.

- I'm beginning to understand.

This all leads up to a church wedding.

- Well, that would be very nice.

- You sure that says dentist?

- Mm Hmm.

- Then we're not married.

- Not according to this.

- Oh, how about that?

I've had quite a day.

I've become a dentist and a bachelor.

- What are you doing?

- Packing your clothes.

- Hey, that's not way to pack an,

what are you packing my clothes for?

- You're moving out.

- Moving out?

- Well, you don't expect me to live under the same roof

as a single fellow?

- Lisa, we're married.

- Not according to this.

You're just a friendly dentist I was living with.

- Lisa.

- Well, you can move right back in

as soon as we have the church wedding.

- I am not moving out.

- Well. Then I will have to.

- It's not necessary.

- What kind of a dentist do you think I am?

- You're not a dentist.

- According to this, we both are.

- Lisa, come over here.

I want you to sit down now.

- Alright.

- I want to talk to you.

I want you to think back 11 years ago

to that day we were married.

- Ten.

- Alright, ten.

- Well, that's what this.

- Forget that.

Lisa, it's 10 years ago.

It's 12 o'clock when we walked into marriage office

in Budapest.

You remember the mayor?

Big, bushy mustache and a sash across.

- And he had wooden shoes.

- He didn't have wooden shoes.

- Oh, that's right. That was my uncle.

- Your uncle?

- What was his name again?

- I don't know.

What I want you to remember

is we stood in front of the mayor's desk there

and he said some words to us in Hungarian.

Now do you remember what he said?

- No, I didn't listen.

I was so in love with you

that everything just flew out of my mind.

- Well I heard what he said.

- What did he say?

- I don't know, I don't understand Hungarian.

But you do.

Now, what do you think he said?

- Well, he probably was giving us advice

on how to fill tooth.

- Alright, at the conclusion of the tooth filling ceremony,

I put a ring on your finger,

I kissed you and we went up to that inn

in the Bavarian Alps for our honeymoon.

- I'm blushing.

- Lisa.

- You're a cad for even bringing it up.

- Look, Lisa.

- How many suits do you want me to pack until the wedding?

- There's not going to be a wedding.

- Oliver.

- It's one thing to ask me to do something

and another to try and con me into it.

- What are you going to do with that?

- I'm going to have it framed

and hang it on the wall

when I open my dentist's office.

- Professor Rockwall?

- Yes.

- My name is Douglas.

I wonder if I might ask a favor of you.

- Sure, sit down.

- Thank you.

I'd like to get this translated.

It's in Hungarian.

Now, you read Hungarian?

- Yes. Are you the Oliver Wendell Douglas

that's mentioned here?

- That's right.

- And you want me to read this to you, Doctor?

- Yes. Doctor?

- Well this is a license

certifying that you and somebody named Lisa Gronyitz

are licensed to practice dentistry.

- It's not a marriage license?

- Why would they give a dentist a marriage license?

- Yeah, well.

- Say, I've been looking for a good dentist.

Where do you practice, doctor?

- Oh, I.

- I got a molar here.

- No, I don't have.

- I'd like to make an appointment with you.

- Yes, thank you.

I'm all booked up.

Thank you. Bye.

Lisa.

- Shh.

- Where's Mrs. Douglas?

- Who?

- Mrs. Douglas.

- Oh, you mean the lady dentist.

- Look, Eb.

- Dr. Gronyitz is gone.

- Gone?

- Yeah, she packed up her drill

and her laughing gas and left.

- Where'd she go?

- I'll tell ya as soon as the movie's over.

- The movie's over.

Now, where'd she go?

- She moved out.

- Why?

- There's certain moral codes set by society,

which you choose to ignore.

- Where did she go?

- She moved in with Alf and Ralph.

- I don't blame you for moving out on him.

The things men try to get away with.

Slipping you a phony marriage license.

- No, it wasn't his fault.

It was the mayor that married us.

- Oh, he slipped you a phony mayor too.

- No, you see.

- It doesn't matter, you can stay as long as you want.

- Are you sure it's no trouble?

- It's no trouble at all.

- Yes, it is.

- Alf.

- Why don't you give her your room?

- Because your room is closer to the bathroom.

- It's not closer, it is the bathroom.

- Just get your stuff out of there.

- Want to help me carry out the bathtub?

- Well, I'm only going to stay til the wedding.

- When are you and the other dentist gonna get married?

- On our anniversary.

- Think he'll really go through with it?

- Why shouldn't he?

- Well, you know how men are.

Once they get off the hook,

they swim upstream after the first salmon they see.

- I don't think Oliver would do that.

He doesn't like fish.

- Are you gonna invite us to the wedding, Mrs Douglas?

- Dr. Gronyitz.

- Sorry, Doc.

- Of course, you both invited.

- I hope someday I can invite you to my wedding.

- Dreamer.

- I'm gonna belt you in the beezer.

- She'll get married as soon as the right man comes along.

- The right man for her is a nearsighted guy

with broken eyeglasses.

- Out. Men are all alike.

They're beasts.

- Well, Oliver isn't.

- Excuse me.

Oh, if it isn't Ted the tooth puller.

What do you want?

- Is my wife here, Ralph?

- There's nobody's wife here.

Just me and Alf and Dr. Gronyitz.

- Ralph. Ralph.

I'm in no mood.

Oh, hi.

- Oliver, Oliver.

- None of that.

- Look here, Ralph.

- If you want to see the doctor, you make an appointment.

- Will you leave us alone?

You were right, I had this translated.

It is a dentist license.

- As if you didn't know.

- Then we are going to have a church wedding.

- Yes.

- Dr. Douglas, I presume?

- Come on, Lisa, we're going home.

- Good.

- Just a minute, she can't go home with you

until after the wedding.

- She's coming home with me now.

- Good.

- Just a minute.

- Will you make up your mind?

This stuff is heavy.

- Do you want to get married?

- I sure do.

- Not you.

- You know I want to get married.

- Well then come on, we got a lot to do.

We've got to get a license,

we've got to get a minister,

we gotta get a church.

- Then we are engaged?

- Yes.

- Well, where is my engagement ring?

- I gave you one.

- Well, that was for becoming a dentist.

- Come on.

- Yessir, I issue marriage licenses.

- Good. Now.

- So Eb's finally gonna get married.

- No, we are.

- Oh, well that's. What?

- You see.

- I thought you were married.

- Not legally.

- Oh, well, uh.

- It's a little complicated, Mr. Drucker.

You see, we were married in Budapest

and we just found out that instead of

issuing us a marriage license,

they gave us a license to practice dentistry.

- I never heard of such a thing.

- It happens all the time in Hungary.

My aunt and uncle were married for 20 years

before they found out they were shopopertists.

- Oh, Hungary is full of happily,

unmarried professional people.

- Well, I don't understand how such a thing could happen.

Just fill out these applications.

Just fill out your name and address.

- Do I have to fill out this question?

Have you ever had a hunting license revoked?

- Hunting?

Doggone, I got the wrong application.

- Oliver, are you trying to pull the same trick twice?

- I didn't have.

- Here you are.

- You sure these are the right ones?

- Yeah, it says right there,

application for marriage license.

- Oliver, where it says here, maiden name,

do I put down Mrs. Douglas or Dr. Gronyitz?

- Gronyitz.

- How do you spell it?

- Just answer the question.

- Oliver, what about this one where it says age.

Do I fill out my age now or when we were married

11 years ago?

- Ten. Put down your age now.

- Oh, could I have a pen?

Thank you. 25.

- You were only 15 when you first got married?

- Yes, I was a Hungarian child bride.

- Oh, brother.

- Well, as justice of the peace,

I can perform the ceremony for ya.

- We'd like to but you see we going to get married

in church.

- Oh.

- By the way, what's the name of the minister?

- Reverend Clements. I'd be glad to give him a call

and ask him to drop by to see you.

- Oh, thank you.

- Hello there, Mr. Haney.

- Howdy, I, oh how do you do, Reverend?

- Mr. Haney, I hardly recognized you.

I haven't seen you in church in a long time.

- Well I, it's my Sunday rheumatism.

- Maybe you could arrange to get it on Saturday.

- I'll try.

- Good day.

- Goodbye.

Well, what can we do for you, Mr. Haney.

- I just drop by to congratulate one of the nicest

married couples I know on their engagement.

- How did you find out about that?

- It's my job as social correspondent for the

Stank Well Falls Gazette.

- Oh, yes, well we.

- Do you mind if I interview the bride for my paper?

- What do you want to know?

- Oh, just some little chatty items like

what kind of silver do you expect to get

for wedding presents?

- We're not expecting any.

- You're not?

Well then perhaps I can help you with your problem.

- We didn't have a problem til you showed up.

- Oh, that's clever.

I'll quote that in my article.

Now, about the silver.

To make it easy on your friends,

it's customary for the impending bride

to register the pattern she prefers

with an authorized silver dealer.

- Look Oliver, he's authorized.

- He's not authorized.

- Now if you'll just step around here,

I'll show you the authorized patterns.

Ain't that a beautiful selection?

Just feel the weight of that.

- US Navy?

- Oh, I'm sorry,

I'm only allowed to sell that to rear admirals.

- What is that one?

- Oh, you do have impecorable taste.

That's our Claudio Gruber pattern.

- Claudia

- Designed by Claudio Gruber who designed all the silverware

for his majesty Queen Louie the Third.

- Queen Louie?

- His mother wasn't very sex conscious.

- Mr. Haney, we don't.

- Oliver, Oliver, that one is pretty.

- As a dentist, you should really appreciate that silver.

You can use it to eat with

or you can melt it down and fill teeth with it.

- Mr. Haney, we're not expecting any presents.

We're just getting married.

- Have you got a flower girl?

- No.

- Lisa.

- You don't have a flower girl?

May I present, Kitty Joy,

Hooterville's only professional flower girl.

- Oh, for the love of.

- For only $2, Kitty will proceed you up the aisle

and strew you right up to the altar.

Now these is rose petals but for $2 more

you can be strewed with carnations.

- Look, Mr. Haney.

- She can also act as a ring bearer.

- No.

- Best man.

- No.

- Do you need a bartender for the reception?

- Goodbye, Mr. Haney.

- Okay, Kitty.

Let's pick up these rose petals

and use them to stuff a few sashettes.

- Oliver, I just finished making out the list

for the wedding invitation.

- Fine.

- Do you think the church could hold 3,000 people?

- 3,000?

- Well, I'm sure a few won't show up.

- Let me see that.

- Well, it's not in alpha or betical order.

- The Duke and Duchess of Windsor, Sam Drucker.

The Archduke of Austria, Mr. And Mrs. Ziffel and Arnold.

President De Gaul and Mr. Haney.

Well, so far it's a well mixed group

but Lisa, I wouldn't sit Mr. Ziffel next to

President De Gaul, you know Fred's french

isn't too good.

- Well, I couldn't put Arnold next to the

Archduke because he likes to hunt wild boar

and Arnold.

- Lisa, this is just gonna be a simple wedding.

Now the only people we should invite are our friends

from Hooterville.

As a matter of fact, wouldn't it be nice if our friends

like Mr. Drucker, Mr. Kimball, Newt Kiley,

took part in the wedding ceremony with us?

One could be the best man,

one could be an usher.

- Ralph could be my bridesmaid.

She needs the practice.

- Then we'll just invite our friends.

- Ah, you are a smart man, I love you.

- Well, it's getting late.

Think I'll go to bed.

- Oh, I'll get you a pillow and a blanket.

- What for?

- Well you're going to sleep right here.

- What about the bedroom?

- Not until the wedding, Doctor.

- In here folks.

Be careful and take care of that suit.

I'm only renting it to you.

- Right in there, ma'am.

I sure hope you enjoy the ceremony,

my mom and dad are getting married.

- You and your best man will stand down there, Mr. Douglas.

- Mr. Kimball, what are you so nervous about?

- Gee, I've never been married before.

- You're not getting married.

- I'm not?

- No.

- Then who is?

- I am.

- Oh, congratulations.

- Have you got the ring?

- Yes, sir. I put it right here where I wouldn't lose it.

It isn't there.

Wonder where I put it.

- The ring.

- Now I remember.

- Well, take it off the string.

- Dearly beloved, we are gathered here

to join this man and this woman in holy matrimony.

Now the ring please.

- The ring.

Give me the ring.

- Repeat after me, with this ring, I thee wed.

- With this ring, I thee wed.

- Place the ring on her finger.

By the power vested in me, I now pronounce you

man and wife.

You may kiss the bride.

- Here Ralph.

- Oliver, thank you for marrying me.

- My pleasure.

And this time there's no question,

a bonafide wedding license.

- Before I forget, I got you a wedding present.

- Oh.

- Oliver, Oliver, there it is.

I hope you like it.

- What the.

- Well, I thought as long as you got the dentist license,

it shouldn't go to waste.

- It never has.

This has been a

Filmways Presentation, darling.