Original subtitles

♪ Green Acres is the place to be.

♪ Farm living is the life for me.

♪ Land spreading out so far and wide.

♪ Keep Manhattan, just give me that countryside.

♪ New York is where I'd rather stay.

♪ I get allergic smelling hay.

♪ I just adore a penthouse view.

♪ Darling I love you but give me Park Avenue.

♪ The chores.

♪ The stores.

♪ Fresh air.

♪ Times Square ♪ You are my wife.

♪ Good bye, city life.

♪ Green Acres we are there.

- And I'm very sad.

Don't eat so fast, you're going to get heartburn.

- Lisa, did you...

Where did she come from?

- Oh this is my friend Clarissa.

Clarissa, this is my husband.

- How do you do?

- She's been coming here for breakfast

for the past three days.

- I guess in this cold weather it's kind of hard

for her to find food.

- Oh you don't know the half of it.

She was telling me that she has such a...

- She was telling you?

- Well not in the words of the silly verse.

She paws her foot once for yes and twice for no.

Isn't that right Clarissa?

That means yes.

- Uh look, may I ask you a question?

Not you, I'm talking to her.

- Oh isn't she beautiful?

You know, she's much too young looking

to be the mother of three children.

- She has three children?

- She brought them over yesterday for breakfast.

Oh they're such nice children;

they have perfect table manners.

- Well I'm glad to know...

- Oh it's a wonderful family.

The only sad part is that they don't know

what happened to the father.

- They don't?

- That means no.

- She doesn't have much of a vocabulary does she?

- Oliver, what do you suppose could have happened

to the father?

What was that?

- That sounded like a rifle shot.

- Who is shoosting?

- Oh that's probably Eb practicing up

for the hunting season.

- What is he going to hunt for?

- Well uh...

- Oliver, do you mean that he would shoo...

Shoost a deer?

- Some people uh... - Would you shoost one?

- Me?

What are you talking about?

I don't even have a gun.

- Oliver.

- I better go talk to Eb.

- Eb.

- Dog gone Mr. Douglas, now you made me miss.

- Look, Eb... - I had a perfect score.

Two splits, a quart and a magnesia.

- A magnum.

- Oh, well anyway they all came from that party

you had last New Years.

Boy, that was a real booze-end.

- It wasn't a... - Watch this.

- That was full.

- It ain't now.

- Eb, will ya put that gun away?

- I gotta get in some practice before

the deer season opens next Tuesday.

Jiminy Crock-oh-watts.

It's gonna be the best season we ever had.

There are millions of deer around.

- Do you have to talk about it?

- Sure, Hooterville's got the best hunting

in the whole state.

- Mrs. Douglas doesn't like the idea

of people hunting.

- What is she gonna say when she finds out

you and me are in the Deer Derby?

If we shoot the biggest deer, we'll win.

- She doesn't have to know about that.

- What about the gun you ordered

from Mr. Drucker?

Does Mrs. Douglas have to know about that?

She... - Doesn't know about what?

- Mr. Douglas ordered a... - Quiet

- Oh that's right, you don't want her to know

about the .30-30.

- Quiet.

- What is a 30-30 quiet?

- I don't know, it must be a rifle

with a silencer on it.

- Jiminy Crock-oh-watts.

- Oliver, did you order a rifle?

- Why would I do that?

- So you could win the Deer Derby.

- What's a deer derby?

- He means a beer derby, don't you Eb?

- Oh, yeah.

You fill up your derby with beer

and then you go hunting.

- Of all the...

- Oliver, are you going to go hunting?

- Paw the ground once for yes,

and twice for no.

- Why don't you go to your chores?

It's more fun standing here watching you sweat.

- Oliver, you haven't answered my question.

- Oh, what question was that?

- About going hunting.

- Eb, I don't need any help from you.

- Well you didn't remember what the question was.

- Beat it.

- Well?

- Uh, well I better go help Eb with the chores.

I'll see you later.

♪♪♪

Lisa, you don't have to come with me.

- What are you trying to hide from me?

- Nothing.

Why don't you wait in the car?

- It's cold.

Hello there Mr. Drucker.

- Oh hi, I was just warming my head muff.

Seems like the older I get, the colder I get.

My blood must be getting thin.

- Couldn't you take something for thin blood?

- Like what?

- Well don't they have fat blood pills?

- No they... - Oh I used to carry them,

Fanny Farkwar's Fat Blood Pills.

They came in a heart-shaped green bottle.

Guaranteed to fatten up the thinnest blood.

- How could they...

- She also had fat blood thinner.

But she don't make either one of them anymore.

- I'm glad to hear it.

- She specialized in cold-weather medicines.

One of the most popular was her

Chill-blain Elixir.

It was 90% alcohol.

Sold a lot of that during prohibition.

- I can well imagine.

Now look Mr. Drucker, could we...

Fanny also made a great cough syrup.

If you mixed it with the Chill-blain elixir,

it made the best sour-mash bourbon

you ever tasted.

- Yeah, well...

- A lot of the fellas used to add

Fanny Farkwar's nose drops to a pint

of olive oil.

Made a nice thick martini.

- That sounds a little...

- It was very big favorite among deer hunters.

Oh say, that reminds me Mr. Douglas.

Remember you ordered that brand new...

- Wait...

- I just wanted you to know I got your .30-30.

- Later.

- Oliver, you ordered a gun, didn't you?

- Oh he sure did...

- She's not talking to you.

- You're going to go hunting aren't you?

- Well...

- Oh he sure is, he was the first one

to sign up for the Deer Derby.

- No, no.

I signed up for the Beer Derby.

- The what?

- The Beer Derby, you know.

Where you fill up your derby with beer.

And the one who drinks the most wins.

- No, no, you signed up for the Deer Derby.

- I did huh?

How could I have made a mistake like that?

- Easy, because you're a fink.

- Lisa.

- Murderer.

- Look, will ya... - Killer.

- Lisa, there's nothing wrong with hunting.

Tell her Mr. Drucker.

- Oh no no, it's a great sport.

I've been hunting for years.

- Now I know what happened to Clarissa's husband,

you shoosted him.

- Me?

No no, I didn't uh...

- Left her a widow with three children.

- No, no I...

- No wonder your blood is so thin, it has to

run through such a hard heart.

- Lisa, will you leave Mr. Drucker...

- You'll get it, and you better

stop the hunting season.

- He can't stop the hunting season, it's legal.

- Oh yes ma'am, even the governor comes here

every year to do his hunting.

He'll be here Tuesday to help open the season.

- And I am going to be here Tuesday

to help closing it.

- Lisa.

- Dog gone, she sure is riled up.

- She'll calm down.

- I won't calm down, I think it's terrible

for a grown man to shoost such a poor

defenseless animal.

- Lisa, what is this?

- A minks coat.

- No I mean, what is is mink coat?

- Well it's cheaper than a saber, and it's more

expensive than a...

- I mean where did it come from?

- Saks Fifth Avenue.

- What I meant was, where do minks come from?

- Other minks.

- Oh boy.

- Lisa, at one time this coat was a bunch of

happy little minks running around playing,

carefree.

And then one morning you woke up

and you said, "Oliver, I vant a minks coat."

- I said that at night.

- Well what diff...

- I remember we had a fight and I said,

"Unless you buy me a minks coat,

I'm going to invite my mother to come

and live with us."

- That isn't important, the point I'm trying

to make is that I went into the store,

and I said, "I wanna buy my wife a mink coat."

And somebody had to go out and shoot little minks

so they could sew them together

and make this coat for you.

And that makes you an accessory.

- I never got any accessories.

- Look, if it's alright to shoot a mink

for a coat, then why isn't it alright

to shoot a deer?

- Do you want my mother to come and live with us?

- No.

- Then don't let me catch you shoosting any deer.

- Will you just come along with me?

- Where are we going to go?

- I want you to look at my tomatoes.

- Why?

- You say deer are beautiful defenseless animals.

I want to show you the damage they've done

to my tomato plants.

Look at what your deer did.

Trampled all the plants.

- How do you know the deer did that?

- Look at the hoof prints.

- Well, how do you know they're not Eb's?

- Oh, Eb's hoof prints...

Or his footprints...

That was done by a deer.

- It's cold.

- Here, here.

Look at all the tomatoes they crushed.

- Mr. Douglas, I uh...

Say, that's pretty clever.

Growing crushed tomatoes.

- Well I didn't... - A lot of farmers...

Well not a lot of farmers...

Some farmers wait till they pick them

before they crush them.

- These were crushed by deer.

- You trained them to do that?

Boy that's a clever way to save labor cost.

Do you mind if I mention it in my report

to the department?

- Mr. Kimball, did a deer do that?

- Well it's possible that uh...

What's a deer-do?

- Well it's a beautiful animal with big ears

and sad eyes.

- Oh, the North American Deer-do.

- Yes, they are very destructive.

They uh...

A deer-do huh?

- Mr. Kimball, my husband said that deers

are very destructive.

- Well, there's a lot of truth in what he...

Well, not a lot of truth.

But there is a basis...

What did he say again?

- I said the deer do a lot of damage.

- At whom?

- Crops, forests, plants.

- Oh yes, deer are the most destructive of all.

Well not the most destructive.

Well you don't know the half of it.

- You don't know any of it.

- Well I do know that deer are pretty bad.

They burrow under the ground and

eat the roots off and... No, that's a mole.

No, that's a mole.

No, that's a wart.

No, that's a piece of chicken liver

I had for lunch.

- Whether they are destructive or not,

do you think it's right to shoost a deer?

- Well there are two ways of looking at it.

On one hand there's the moral question.

On the other had

There's still some chicken liver.

Well now that I have answered your question,

I gotta run back to the office.

I'm expecting a call.

No, I got that before I left.

Or was that yesterday?

Well, it doesn't make any difference,

my phone's out of order.

- Well, are you still going to go hunting?

- Yeah, as soon as the hunting season opens.

- Maybe it won't.

You want me to get you what?

- A conjunction.

- A con...

- You know, when somebody does something,

and you want to stop it, you conjunct them.

- Oh you mean injunct them; an injunction.

- Alright, if that will do it,

I'll take one of those.

Where do you keep them?

- I don't...

You have to go to court and get the judge

and get the judge to issue one.

- Let's go.

- Well just a second Mrs. Douglas,

there are a few things I have to know first.

- Like what?

- Well for one thing, who do you want

this injunction issued against?

- Well, my husband, Mr. Drucker, Eb Dawson...

Do you hunt?

- Yes.

- Put your name down.

- What are you trying to stop?

- Deer hunting.

- I don't think it's possible to get

an injunction for that.

- How long have you been practicing law?

- Just a little over a month.

- Well, I've been married to a lawyer

for over ten years.

So I think I know more about law than you do.

- I don't think there's any legal way to...

- How about illegal?

- I cant advise you to do anything illegal.

- Well, then what would you advise me to do?

- Well I'm afraid I can't help you.

- I should have known that anybody who's partners

with my husband is a fellow fink.

- I'm not...

Look Mrs. Douglas, there's a law

in the books permitting hunting.

Now if you want to change that law,

what you should do is get a petition signed

by enough people who agree with you,

and present it to your state senator.

- Will that work?

- I don't know.

- Well if it doesn't, don't send me a bill.

- Oh hello Brian.

- Mr. Douglas, I thought I'd better tell you,

your wife was just in to see me.

- What about?

- She wanted me to get her an injunction

to stop the hunting season.

- Oh boy.

- I advised her to get up a petition,

present it to our state senator.

I hope I did the right thing.

- Oh fine, yeah.

It will keep her out of mischief.

She'll be lucky if she gets one signature.

- Hello there Arnold, is your father home?

- Would you tell him I'm here?

- No, Arnold I've told you I don't wanna buy no...

Oh it's you Mrs. Douglas.

Arnold said it was the fertilizer salesman.

A fine sense of humor you got.

Would you come in?

- No no no, thank you Mr. Ziffel.

I want you to sign something.

- Sign what?

- I want you to put your name right here.

- Well I never sign anything unless I read it.

The last time I did, I woke up married to Doris.

No, this is a petition to do away

with deer hunting.

- But I don't wanna do away with deer hunting.

- Oh well Mr. Ziffel, if you would

only read the reasons.

- Well let's see what they are.

Now what did I do with my spectacles?

Arnold, will you lend me your eyeglasses please?

- Arnold wears glasses?

- He just ruined his eyes watching TV.

Thank you.

Let's see now.

- There we are.

- You sure got strong glasses.

Let's see now what this says.

I think that deer hunting should be abolished

for the following reasons.

Uh-huh...

Uh-huh...

Uh-huh.

Mrs. Douglas, you sure got powerful reasons.

I'd be glad to sign that. ♪♪♪

- Mrs. Douglas.

- Oh hello there Mr. Haney.

- Dog gone you look as pretty as a catfish

with it's nose up against the dam.

- Why thank you Mr. Haney, the reason I came over

is because...

- Is because you heard about my big spring sale.

- Spring sale?

- Yes ma'am.

All springs are reduced 50%.

- Mr. Haney, I didn't come over here

to buy anything.

I want you to sign a petition

to stop deer hunting.

- Mrs. Douglas, I'd like to oblige,

but deer hunting happens to be one of my

favorite sports.

- Oh Mr. Haney if you would just read

the petition, and you'll see the reasons.

- Well I don't think that I...

- Oh please would you just read it?

- Alright.

- I believe that deer hunting should be abolished

for the following reasons.

It is bad, it is unnecessary,

it is unfair to the deer,

and it is cruel to kill anything...

Mrs. Douglas, them is some of the most

convincing reasons that I have ever read.

I'll be happy to sign it.

- Mrs. Douglas, I ain't signing

any petition against deer hunting.

- Well if you'd just read it please.

- I'm busy, I've got a lot to do.

The governor's coming in and a four o'clock

run to the Cannonball.

- Well a lot of people signed it.

- They have?

- Yes, it won't take you a minute,

if you would just read it please.

- Alright I'll read it, but I ain't signing it.

I believe that deer hunting should be abolished

for the following reasons...

Oh, I'll sign it.

- Eb, have you seen Mrs. Douglas?

- She went to the station to meet the governor

and show him her petition.

- How many signatures does she have, two?

- 300.

- 300?

- When she sets her mind to doing something,

she does it.

- Well, I'll be a...

- Don't forget fellas, you signed the petition.

Now don't change your mind.

No ma'am.

- Lisa...

- Look who we've got here, doubting Danny Thomas.

You said I couldn't get one signature,

I got 300 of them.

- Lisa, there are only 28 people

in the whole valley.

- Well some of them signed eight times.

- See there's the governor.

- Well folks, thank you thank you.

I can't tell you how happy I am

to get away from all those crackpots

at the state capitol,

and come here to Hooterville

to do some deer hunting.

- Well you can go right back to the crackpots

because there isn't going to be

any deer hunting here.

- Who said that?

- I did.

I've got a petition here signed

with 300 names that we don't want

any deer hunting.

Isn't that right fellas?

That's right.

- I thought you fellas wanted...

- May I see that please?

- Yes.

- I believe that deer hunting should be abolished

for the following reasons.

It is bad.

- Well that's childish.

- It is unnecessary.

- That's clever.

- It is cruel to kill anything.

And for signing this, Mr. Douglas agrees

to give me $100.

Now there's a stu...

$100?

- Mr. Douglas don't you realize

that it is illegal to solicit signatures

by offering money for them?

- Governor I didn't, it was my wife

who collected the signatures.

- Well if I wasn't into good humor,

I'd have both of you thrown in the jail.

- I'd like to see you try it.

- What?

- Lisa, Governor, my wife is a little upset.

- I'm here for a little relaxation,

so we'll just forget this whole incident.

And as governor of this state,

I declare that the hunting season

will officially open tomorrow morning

at sunrise.

- You're nothing but a...

- Come on Carrie Nation.

- I don't want to go.

- It's the best thing.

- I'm a failure.

- You're not a failure.

- The deer were counting on me

and I let them down.

- You tried.

You didn't use too much intell...

You tried.

- Why are you trying to shove me

off to New York?

- It's for your own good.

If hunting upsets you so much,

it's better if you're not around.

- You're right.

But there's just one more thing I could've done...

- Lisa, Lisa.

Take my advice, go.

- If you promise not to shoost anything.

- I promise.

- Alright then I'll go.

- I'll drive you to the airport in the morning,

you can catch the first plane.

- Well who's going to take care of Clarissa?

- Oh I don't think... - I'll tell you what.

Eb will drive me and you stay here

and take care of her.

- Well she doesn't need...

- Now one second please.

Clarissa.

Clarissa, clarissa.

Come on darling.

You do good girl, come on.

Clarissa come over here sweetie,

such a good girl.

My husband is going to take care of you

so you won't get shoosted.

Oliver, shouldn't you hide her under the bed?

- How can I hide...

- And if any of your friends show up,

you tell them that my husband is going to

take care of them, right?

And another thing...

- Lisa, you'd better get to bed.

The plane leaves very early in the morning.

- I've been waiting all year for this moment.

- You wont' be disappointed Governor,

you'd never seen so many deer.

- Governor, are you sure Mr. Douglas

don't have to pay me that $100?

- Oh for crying out loud Haney... - Shh.

- That's a beauty, you get first shot Governor.

- Oh thank you, thank you.

Watch it, he's going to shoost you.

- Who was that?

- The hunting season has opened.

Everybody run for your life.

The hunting season has opened.

Head to the hills.

That's it, keep running.

- Who is that?

Is that that woman...

- Yes Governor, that's the welcher's wife.

- Call out the National Guard and have

that plane shot down.

- Calm down Governor.

- Oh that blasted woman.

She's ruined the hunting season.

- What?

Oh that's impossible Mr. Drucker,

she's not even in town.

She went to the airport this morning

and took a plane...

Oh no.

Oh she couldn't have done a thing like that.

Oliver.

- What the... - Up here.

- I am not a failure.

Tell Clarissa I warned all her friends in time.

Lisa, will you...

- We've taken care of Hootersville,

head for Crepe Corners and we'll take care

of their deer.

Attention all Crepe Corners deer,

the hunting season has started.

Run for your life.

- Oh for...

The hunting season has opened,

run for your life, run.

This has been A Filmways presentation darling.