Original subtitles

♪ Green Acres is the place to be

♪ Farm livin' is the life for me.

♪ Land spreadin' out so far and wide

♪ Keep Manhattan, just give me that countryside

♪ New York is where I'd rather stay

♪ I get allergic smelling hay

♪ I just adore a penthouse view

♪ Darling, I love you, but give me Park Avenue

♪ The chores!

♪ The stores!

♪ Fresh air!

♪ Times Square!

♪ You are my wife ♪ Goodbye city life!

♪ Green Acres, we are there

- Good morning, Eleanor.

Just part of the Haney Farm Minding service.

Now then, what will ya have for breakfast?

Alfalfa, Timothy, or oats?

Alfalfa, it is.

Sure hope you'll tell Mr. Douglas what

a good job I'm doing taking care of you

while he's in Washington.

- Hello?

- Good morning, Mr. Kimball, it's 4:00 a.m.,

time to get up!

- I'm not Mr. Kimball, he's in the next room.

- Sorry, go back to sleep.

- Mr. Kimball, 4:00 a.m., time to get up.

- Mr. Kimball?

- Arnold, who are you callin'?

Hello?

- Mr. Kimball?

- No, this is Eb Dawson.

Just a minute.

Mr. Kimball?

- Yes?

- Mr. Kimball?

- Yes?

- There's a call for ya.

- Oh.

Hello?

- Mr. Kimball?

- Hi, yes?

Who's this?

It's 4:00 a.m.

- Oh, how are you Ms. A.M.?

- No.

You left a call for four.

- I did?

What time is it now?

It's 4:00 a.m.!

- Oh, thank you!

It's 4:00, we better get up.

We're going sight seein'.

A lot of things to see here in, uh,

where are we again?

- Washington!

- Oh, yeah, Washington.

What are we doing here?

- We came for the YPAS convention,

only we were a week late.

- How'd that happen?

- You got the dates mixed up!

- With what?

- With...

- Well, I'm going to take a shower.

- I'll go wake the Douglases.

Mr. Douglas!

Mr. Douglas!

- What's the matter?

- Don't you want to go sightseein'?

You go!

- What?

- You go!

- Who's Hugo?

- I'm talking to Eb.

- And why are you calling him Hugo?

- I didn't, he wants us to get up

and go sightseeing and I says 'You go.'

- Oh?

Who is Hugo?

Oh for.

- Good morning!

I'm glad to see you're up.

- How can anybody sleep with you hammering on the door?

- Don't you want to go sightseein'?

- No, I told you, you go.

- Now why do you keep calling him that?

I meant...

Oh, Arnold, what do you want?

- Mr. Kimball is taking a shower

and I guess Arnold wants to use yours.

No, I'm sorry but...

Arnold, no, no.

Hey, Arnold, come here!

Oh, how could he lock the door?!

Arnold, you're not taking a shower

in my, come on out of there!

This can't be happening.

- What do you say?

Are you going sightseein'?

- Well, we might as well,

as long as we are here.

- Great.

I'll go get dressed.

Oh, uh, what suit should I wear?

- Well, uh, how many did you bring with you?

- One.

- Well, then, why did you ask...

- It's reversible.

On one side it's a business suit

and then you turn it inside out

and it's a cocktail dress.

But with pants.

- Uh, just get dressed.

- Yes, sir.

- Are you going to call room service for breakfast?

- No, I'm going to call Mr. Drucker,

see how things are going on the farm.

- At your service, Mr. Kimball.

- No, this is Mr. Douglas.

- Oh, are you still in Mr. Kimball's room?

- No, this is my room.

- Sorry, excuse the ring.

- Hello?

Hello?

- Say hello to Mr. Drucker for me.

- I haven't got him yet.

- Who are you talking to then?

- The operator.

- Oh, well then, say hello to her for me.

- Hello?

- Thank you.

- Hello, operator?

- Oh, Arnold's finished his shower.

- You stupid pig.

- I beg your pardon!

- Hello?

- Who are saying hello to now?

- Nobody.

- Well, no wonder you don't get any answer.

- Oh, why bother?

I'll call him later.

- Well, are we all going sightseeing today?

- All except Arnold.

- Where's he going?

- To look for a laundromat.

- Well, what will we do?

- I'd like to take me a boat ride

up the Hudson River.

- Hey, that would be fine, except the Hudson River

happens to be in New York.

- Oh?

What river do they have here?

- The Potomac.

- Oh, are we in Chicago?

- No, we're...

- What are you going to do, Oliver?

- What time do the bars open?

- Well, I think I'll do some shopping

and then I drop in at the White House

and have lunch with the President.

- Yes, why don't you do that?

- You want to come along, Oliver.

- No, I hear the food isn't so good.

- Oh.

Eb, would you like to have lunch

with the President?

- Golly, dinglefoot.

Could I?!

- Lisa, you don't just drop in

on the President.

- Well, he invited me!

- When did he do that?

- Mr. Kimball, would you like to come

and have lunch with the President?

- I'd like to, but I'd better check in

with the Department of Agriculture.

They kind of expect it of their county agents

when they're in, uh, where are we again?

- What time did you say the bar's open?

- Well, if you don't want to come to lunch

with the President, we will.

Come along, Eb.

- Well, I'm off to the Department of Agriculture.

Want to come along with me?

- No, no, I have a few things that I have to do.

I want to call Hooterville and see if

Haney's keeping an eye on my farm.

- Oh, well, I wouldn't worry.

One thing about Haney, he may not be too honest,

but you certainly can't trust him.

- What?

- Oh, I'm sure he's taking care of your place

just as if it were his own.

- You kids keep quiet!

Keep quiet 'til I talk to the man.

Howdy, you the proprietor of this here

Green Acres Inn?

- No, I am your host and innkeeper,

Eustace Haney.

- My name's Walter Hokum and this is my wife Minnie.

- How you do?

- Howdy.

- We saw your signs all along the road

and just followed the green arrows

right on up here.

- How can I be of service to ya?

- Well, we're looking for a place to stay

for a couple of days.

- You got a reservation?

- No.

- No reservation, huh?

Well that might make it a little difficult,

this being the tourist season.

- Well then what you got that sign up there fer?

Housekeepin' cabin available.

- Oh, you want the deluxe accommodation!

- Don't look too deluxe to me.

- Oh it does to me Walt, we ain't slept in a bed

in three nights.

- Yeah, we're tired!

- Quiet!

How much you charge?

- How many in your party?

- Just me, ma, and the six kids.

- Eight people, huh?

Well, I guess I can let you have a

flat rate of 60 dollars a night.

- Move over, ma.

- Well, now, of course, now,

I can make you a better rate

if you ain't plannin' on using our swimming pool

or tennis court.

- We don't need those.

- Then shall we say 30 dollars a night?

- Too much.

- You won't be taking in our dinner dance

or playing any golf, will ya?

- Nope.

- Then shall we say four dollars?

- We'll take it.

Okay, kids, we're stayin' here.

- Good morning.

- Oh, just a minute, sir.

- Oh, that's quite alright.

I'm on the team.

A county agent, I just came in to chat

with the big boy.

- He has someone with him now.

- Oh.

Anybody important?

- The Secretary of Labor.

- Oh.

How long has the secretary been in labor?

Remember that joke,

probably read it in Drew Pearson's column.

- May I have your name please?

- Oh, certainly.

Well, it's not certainly.

It's Kimball.

- Could I have your first name?

- Of course.

Well, it's not of course, it's Hank.

Well, not Hank, it's Henry.

- Henry?

- Right.

Well, it's not Henry Right, it's Henry Kimball.

Would you like to know my middle name?

- It's not necessary.

- Yes, it is.

Henry Necessary Kimball.

Or is it Narcissus?

No, that was my uncle's name.

- Would you have a seat please?

- Oh, thank ya.

Well!

Secretary's plate looks a little dingy.

Doesn't give the farmers a feeling of confidence

to see that the Secretary of Agriculture has a, um.

- Will you?!

- Who's the fella with the shiny noise?

- That was the Secretary!

- Oh boy.

I better go in and apologize.

Oof!

Why, you, what's the meaning of this?!

- Well, uh, nice chatting with you, sir,

and, uh, if you're ever in Albuquerque,

be sure to look me up.

The name is, uh, Dooley Higgins.

- Hello, dear.

I'm Lisa Douglas.

- Lisa Douglas?

- That's right.

And this is Eb Dawson.

- Uh, I'm sorry, but I don't have your names here

on the President's appointment list.

- That's right, we want to surprise him.

Come along, lad.

- Hold on, just a moment, lady.

You can't go in there without an appointment.

Uh, why don't you call the President's secretary?

- What kind of a White House are you running here?

- I beg your pardon?

- Why, the President told me that whenever I'm in

the neighborhood, to drop in and have lunch with him.

Come along, Eb.

- Lady, it isn't the President, it's his cook.

You see, he gets a little annoyed when

people show up unexpectedly.

- He doesn't have to fuss for us.

We'll take potluck.

- Yeah, nothing fancy, just plain homecookin'.

Hot jiles and chitlins.

- What's that?

- Well, hot jiles are...

- Say, if you two are hungry,

there's a nice cafeteria right across the street.

- Thank you, but we're going to have lunch

with the President.

Come on, Eb.

- Hold it.

- We're going to be late!

- Yeah, and we'll tell you it was your fault,

that you weren't very civil with your service.

- Why don't you two get a couple of picket signs

and go across the street there and walk up

and down, the air will do you some good.

- We are going to go in

and have lunch with the President!

Come on, Eb.

- Uh, lady?

Sergeant, red alert.

- Will you tell me once more

exactly what happened?

- Well, they had this policeman

at the gate of the White House

and I told him, we were there to have lunch

with the President and that started a big argument!

- Not as big as the one we had inside

with the Marine captain.

- I don't think that was as bad as the one

with the Secret Service.

- We would have won that one if they hadn't

brought in the FBI.

- Look, how is it you didn't have any trouble

with the Army?

- We woulda, but they couldn't get the tanks started.

- Oh brother.

Look, Lisa, you just don't walk in

and expect to have lunch with the President.

- Why not?

He invited me.

- When?

- Four years ago when I was here with your mother

for the President's inaugurative ball.

- Inauguration ball.

- Anyway, while I was dancing with him,

the President said, whenever you are in Washington,

honey, you be sure to drop in at the White House

and have lunch with me.

So I dropped.

Lisa, don't you realize...

- Anyway, the fellow I danced with doesn't work

in the White House anymore.

They've got a new fellow working there.

- Naturally, we had an election.

There's a new President.

- Nobody told me that.

- You voted!

- Not for President.

They don't allow us to vote for a big office

like that in Hooterville.

- Oh, you.

Well, look, I'll see what I can do about

getting you out of here.

- While you're at it, see what you can do for me.

- What the?!

What are you in for?

- Well, for one thing, shining the

Secretary of Agriculture's nose.

- What?!

- Then I walked through the glass door of his office

and, after that, oh boy.

- Well, I ought to be able to get you off

with a plea of temporary insanity.

Well, not temporary.

- Can you get my friend off too?

- What did he do?

- Well, he had a little trouble.

Well, it wasn't a little trouble,

it was a lot of trouble at the laundromat

when he tried to wash his clothes.

- The owner said he didn't want any pigs' clothes

in his machine and that made Arnold mad.

- Yes, so he bit all the hoses off the machines.

- Things like this just don't happen!

Alright, I'll see what I can do for all of you

and if and when I get you out of here,

we're packing up and going back to the farm

and enjoy the peace and quiet!

- How do I look, ma?

- Oh, beautiful.

If you wasn't standin' up, I'd swear you was

Cousin Philbert laid out.

Well, which one of these shall I wear today?

- Wear that imitation possum.

Doggone, this is the best equipped

housekeepin' cabin we ever rented.

It's got everything!

What's going on out there?

- Quiet is stuck in the chimney.

- Well, pull him on it.

I'm tryin' to!

- Doggone that kid, he's always gettin' stuck

somewhere.

Did you get him out?

- Just part of him.

- Don't this kind of remind you

of our honeymoon?

- Kinda, 'cept we didn't have as many kids

with us on that.

- I sure wish we could stay here.

- Got a surprise for you, ma.

I just paid that Mr. Haney for another week.

- Oh, pa!

- There you are, Haney.

Two pounds of gumdrops.

That'll be 20 cents.

- Any discount for cash?

- 20 dollars?

Where'd you get all that money?

- The farm mindin' business is very profitable.

Oh, hello, Mr. Douglas!

- If anybody answers that I'm in big trouble.

- Hi, there, Mr. Drucker.

- I'm in big trouble.

- Oh, hello, Mr. Haney.

- I, uh, believe you have the advantage

of me, stranger.

- Mr. Haney?

- When do you folks get back home?

- Uh, about an hour ago.

- We just stopped here on the way from

the Apple to buy some groceries.

- Oh, well, Haney said you were going to be

in Washington another week, didn't ya?

Where'd he go?

- Mr. Haney.

- Uh, Mr. Hokum, I just dropped by to tell ya

that your week is up.

Check out time was half an hour ago.

- What are you talking about?

I just paid you this morning for a week.

- I'm sorry, but the people that had the prior

reservation, they're on the way here.

Now you'll have to leave.

- Well, we don't want to leave.

- Well, normally I wouldn't impose on you like this,

but this is a special case.

You see, this couple spent their honeymoon here

a year ago and now she wants to come back here

to have the baby.

You can understand that.

- Oh, well, uh.

- Good, now thank you.

You just get all the folks together,

get 'em in the car.

- Well, we gotta get packed up.

Take us about half an hour.

- Half an hour, well, I guess I can stall them

that long.

- Just a minute.

What about that week's rent I paid ya in advance?

- Oh, that's right.

Now let's see, that's four dollars a day

for seven days.

That's, uh, 18 dollars.

- That's, uh, 28 dollars.

- Oh, you're right.

I gave you 10 dollars too much.

- You owe me 10.

- Oh, yeah.

There you are.

Now don't forget, a half hour.

- Mr. Haney, would you...

- Sorry, road's closed.

- What happened?

- What bridge?

- The one they built while you was in Washington.

- We were only gone three days!

- Just long enough for it to get built

and washed away.

Now you'll have to detour.

Go back to Hooterville, then around through

Crabwell Corners, and then north through Pixley.

It shouldn't take ya more than half an hour.

- Mr. Haney, would you please get your truck

out of the road?

We're going this way.

- Very well, I sure hope you make it

with that leaky gas tank.

- Leaky gas tank?

Mr. Haney!

Oh, for.

- What was that all about?

- Oh, I don't know.

Mr. Haney's trying to stall us for some reason.

- What reason?

- Something must have happened at the farm.

What now?!

- I'm sorry, but I'll have to ask you all

to get out of the car for inspection.

- Why do we have to have our agriculture inspected?

- Look, we don't have to...

- It's a state law.

Anybody being out of the state for more

than 24 hours has to be inspected.

It's the only way we can protect our crops

from the Brazilian tick worm.

- Mr. Haney, will you?!

- Now I have to ask you a few questions.

Are you carrying any rubber plants?

- No, sir!

- You don't have to...

- Are you bringing in any imitation

potty-divey?

- No, we haven't got any.

- Lisa, he doesn't have any authority to...

- Mr. Douglas, I'm afraid I'll have to ask you

to take your clothes off.

- What?!

- Them little boogers hide everywhere.

- Mr. Haney, what are you up to?!

Is there something wrong at our farm?

- Not now, there ain't.

You may proceed.

- Well, move your truck out of the way!

- That'll be six dollars.

- For what?

- The inspection.

Move it!

- Well, the house looks alright.

Not alright, but the way it always look.

- Very strange.

Eb, take a look in the barn.

See if the cow is still there.

- Yes, sir.

- Haney must have had some reason

for trying to stall us.

Oh!

- Well, you can't blame Mr. Haney for that.

- I know.

- That always happen.

- I know.

- From the day we moved in.

- I know.

- Then you can't blame Mr. Haney for that.

- I'm not blaming him!

- Well that always happen too.

- There doesn't seem to be anything

wrong in here.

I wonder how the living room is?

Well this seems to be, uh,

who's this?

- Howdy!

- Uh.

- Hate to intrude on ya in your moment of birth, ma'am.

- In our moment of...?

- This gonna be your first, ma'am?

- My first what?

- Baby.

- Oh yes, I think so.

- Look, Mr. Um.

- I'll be out of your way in a minute.

Come on down out of there, son.

Oh, look at ya.

Scat!

- What was he doing in the fireplace?

- Well, we packed in such a hurry, we forgot him.

We've got six of them, ma'am.

It's easy to lose track of one of them.

- Oh, well, the same thing used to happen in our family.

My father always walked off without one of us.

Mostly my mother.

- Lisa!

- Well, I sure hate to leave this motel.

- Motel?

- Oh, by the way, the closets are just full

of purty clothes.

And Mr. Haney told us to feel free to wear 'em.

- You were wearing...

- One more thing, don't let that Haney

stick you for more than four dollars a night

unless you play golf.

- Four dollars?

- Well, so long.

Sure hope it's a girl, ma'am, so she'll be

as pretty as you.

- Thank you.

- Of all the,

do you realize what Haney did?

He rented this house for four dollars

and he gave them permission to wear.

Where are you going?

- To get into bed.

And you better get the doctor.

- Oh, what's the matter?

- Well, you heard what the man said.

I'm going to have a baby!

This has been a Filmways presentation, darling.