Original subtitles

♪ Green Acres is the place to be

♪ Farm living is the life for me

♪ Land spreadin' out so far and wide

♪ Keep Manhattan just give me that countryside

♪ New York is where I'd rather stay

♪ I get allergic smelling hay

♪ I just adore a penthouse view

♪ Darling, I love you, but give me Park Avenue

♪ The chores ♪ The stores ♪ Fresh air

♪ Times Square ♪ You are my wife

♪ Goodbye city life

♪ Green Acres we are there ♪

- The answer is no.

- But, Mr. Douglas!

- No.

- Can't you ever say anything but no?

- Yes.

- Oh, you know the word.

- Yes.

- It's easy to say, ain't it? - Yes.

- Can I go on the trip? - No.

- Here we are, back to the old dirty word again.

- Eb, I don't want to hear anything more about it.

Lisa, I wan... - Did you change your mind?

- How did you?

- I climbed in through the window.

Now, what do you say, can I go?

- No!

- Boy, you're just as hard to get along

with inside as you are outside.

- Look, Eb, I...

- Now, what are you two arguing about?

- Dad is being perfectly horrible.

- I am not your father!

- I'm glad, because you're perfectly horrible.

- Now, what did you do to Eb?

- Nothing!

- Then why does he have such a low opinion of you?

- He asked me if he could take a week off,

and I said no.

- That's the word that gave me such a low opinion of him.

- Why do you want a week off, Eb?

- Well, as you know, I'm a member of the HYPAS.

That's the Hooterville Young People's Agricultural

Society, which is a branch of the SYPAS.

That's the State Young People's Agricultural Society,

which is affiliated with the NYPAS, which is the National

Young People's Agricultural Society.

And the HYPAS has been invited by the SYPAS

to a convention given by the NYPAS.

- Why don't you want him to go?

- Because I need him...

- Well, you always had such a good time on conventions.

Remember that lawyer's convention you went to

when the girls were dancing out of the cake,

and they were throwing water bombs out the window?

And then the police came and raided the place.

- That wasn't a convention.

That was your brother's birthday party.

- Oh.

- This is gonna be in Washington.

I've never been there before.

It'll gimme a chance to see their famous monuments,

like the Statue of Liberty, the Bunker Hill

and the Eiffel Tower.

- Those things aren't in Washington!

- Since when?

- Lisa, the Eiffel...

- They must have something in Washington

that's worth seeing.

- They do, the Washington Monument, the Lincoln Memorial,

the White House, the Smithsonian Institute.

- Golly, it sounds real funky.

- Oliver, you ought to let him go.

Every boy should have a little flunk in his life.

- The word is funky.

It means... - Never mind what it means.

- Can I go?

- No!

- Gosh all shankins, how's it gonna look

when everybody else in our chapter goes

and I have to stay home?

- You mean all the other kids are going?

- I think so.

Mr. Kimball is taking a vote on it

at the HYPAS meeting tonight.

- Mr. Kimball?

- Yeah, he's our hype master.

- Oliver, if everybody in the HYPAS is going,

you ought to let Eb go.

- Well, all right, if everybody goes, then...

- Thank you, thank you!

You're a golly gumdrops good guy.

- Eb!

- Ooh ooh!

- I'll mop that up when I get back from Washington.

- Of all the...

- Oh, Oliver, you made the boy so happy.

When your chips are down, I can see your true colors.

- Thank you.

I think.

- Order, order.

I declare this meeting of the HYPAS to be in session,

and I turn the meeting over to Mr. Agent,

your county Kimball.

Mr. County your Kimball agent.

Well, whoever I am, I will now call the roll.

Eb Dawson?

- Here!

- Arnold Ziffel?

Well, that's encouraging, we have 100% turnout for a change.

Now, let's see what we have first on the agenda.

Oh, looks like ketchup.

Oh yeah, I wrapped my lunch in it.

Well, the next thing on the agenda

is our trip to Washington for our national convention.

Any discussion?

- There's nothing to discuss.

Let's just vote on it.

- Will somebody put that in the form of a motion?

Thank you.

The motion has been made.

All those in favor of making the trip, say aye.

- Aye!

- All those against?

Well, that's one for and one against.

That's almost a tie.

Well, not almost a tie.

It's a deadlock.

- Doggone, Arnold, you sure are bein' pig-headed tonight!

- He has to be.

That's the only kind of head he has.

- Arnold, Mr. Douglas won't let me go

unless everybody goes.

Now, why don't we flip a coin to see if we go.

Okay, you call it.

Tales, you lose!

We're goin'!

- Eb, you ready yet?

Be right there!

- Oliver, do you think Ebby will be all right

by himself in Washington?

- Oh, sure, he won't be alone.

He'll be with a group.

Come on, Eb, you'll miss your plane!

- I'm ready.

- Have you got your ticket?

- Yes, ma'am, I've got it pinned to my union suit.

- To your...

- Mr. Douglas, I want to thank you for buyin' it for me.

- Oh, you bought him a union suit?

- He means the plane ticket!

- It was real nice of you.

Like I tell everybody, you're not all bad.

- Get in the car.

- You're not all good, either.

But I don't tell anybody that.

- Get in!

- Have you got your money?

- Yes, ma'am, it's pinned in a safe place too.

Ah!

- What's the matter?

- The safety pin on my money came undone!

Ah!

- Where's the rest of the group?

- We were supposed to meet in front of the gum machine.

Maybe there's another gum machine someplace.

- Is that the airline they're going on?

- The Route of the...

- We'd better see if the plane is going

to take off on time.

Excuse me, is this the Washington plane?

- Yes, ma'am.

May I have your name, please?

- I'm Lisa Douglas, and this is my husband, Mr. Douglas.

- Douglas, I don't seem to have you here

on my passenger list.

- Uh no, we... - May I see your tickets?

- We don't have any tickets.

- Oh, you don't have any.

I'll fix that in a hurry.

- Look, look, no, we don't want, we.

- There you are, two tickets to Washington.

- Thank you.

- Lisa.

- That'll be $104.

- Wait a minute.

- Are these first class tickets?

- Oh no, ma'am, this is an economy flight.

- But we always fly first class.

- We're not flying any class.

Now, give him back the tickets.

We just wanted to find out when...

- Look, why don't you go?

Washington's a beautiful city.

Why, they got all those historical monuments,

you know, the Statue of Liberty,

Bunker Hill, the Eiffel Tower.

- I told you.

- Lisa, they... - Ha, what a know it all.

- Our hired hand is going with the HYPAS group.

- Oh.

- Is this airline safe?

- Madam, we're very proud of our safety record.

You know that we haven't had one accident

since we started flying?

- When was that?

- Last week.

- What kind of equipment do you fly?

- Oh, the very latest.

As a matter of fact, I've got a model of it right here.

Oh, here we are.

How about that?

Oh, I'm sorry, this is the equipment we use

on the Hawaiian flight.

I know it's around here someplace.

There we are, the flagship of our fleet.

- That's a DC-3.

Don't you fly any jets?

- Any what?

- Jets?

- Say again.

- Jets, they... - Mr. Douglas?

- What?

- They're not here yet!

- Well, look someplace else.

- Yes, sir.

- Oliver, I don't think we should let

Eb fly on this airline.

- Oh, I'm sure it's safe.

They must be licensed by the FAA.

- The what?

- The Federal Aviation Administration.

They check every... - Oh, Mr. Douglas?

- Excuse us.

- Hello there, Mr. Kimball.

- Hi.

- Ah, ready to take off?

- Take off what?

- In the plane, to Washington.

- Oh, is that where you're goin'?

- No, we're not going.

- Where is the rest of the group?

- Oh, he's getting his suitcase out of my car.

- He's getting?

Yeah, and he's gonna be late if

Oh, there he is now.

- What the?

- Ooh, is Arnold going with you?

- Yes, ma'am.

He's the HYPAS mascot.

- Where's the rest of the group?

- We're it.

- You're the whole group?

A nut, a ding-a-ling and a pig that thinks

he's the Red Barron?

You can't take a pig on the plane!

- Why not?

He's got a ticket.

- Sure.

Where's your ticket, Arnold?

Be sure you close that tight, boy.

Where's your ticket, Eb?

- Right here.

- Yeah, well I'll put these with my uh,

what am I looking for?

- Your ticket.

- Boy, what did I do with 'em?

Let's see, I got up this morning.

I got dressed, I took a shower.

No, I took a shower before I got dressed.

Now I remember.

I put the ticket in my shoe.

No, I guess I did get dressed before I took a shower.

- Oh, brother.

- Your attention, please!

Trans Pixley Airlines domestic champagne

flight direct to Washington, DC, via Fish Meadows,

Barleyville, Milton Falls, Millington and Hapsber Creek

now ready to board at Gate 7.

Will all passengers please check in at the ticket counter.

Over and out.

May I have your tickets, please.

- Yes, sir.

Ooh, this is the flight that my mother

took to Hawaii last year.

- Ah, Mr. Dawson.

- Right here.

Do you serve supper on the plane?

- Yes, sir.

Uh, Kimball.

- Yes, sir.

And Mr. Ziffel.

I thought you said your name was Douglas.

- It is!

- Well, where's Mr. Ziffel?

- Arnold?

- Oh, I guess he went out to the gate.

- Oh, well, he didn't even say goodbye!

- How could he say...

- I think you folks had better get on board.

- Well, goodbye Mr. And Mrs. Douglas.

Have a good trip. - Bye.

- Not us, you!

That way!

- Are you all gonna stick around and watch us take off?

- Why, of course.

- Well, I guess this is it.

- Oh, well, goodbye, Eb.

Now, take good care of yourself

and be sure to call us from Washington.

And don't forget to write.

- I think I'm gonna cry.

- What's there to cry about?

- The safety pin is still stickin' into me.

- Okay, Eb, have a nice trip.

- Bye, Dad, bye, Mom.

- And stop calling us mom and dad!

- I feel I'm going to cry too.

- Why, what's sticking into you?

- I hope they're going to have a nice flight.

- Oh, don't worry.

They usually have a pretty stewardess aboard.

- Welcome aboard.

- Who are you?

- I'm the stewardess.

- Oh, I thought they used women.

- Oh, this is gonna be a funny flight.

- Mrs. Stewart.

- The name is Jones, Miss Jones.

- Where do we sit, Jones, Miss Jones?

- Back there.

- Can't I sit with the pilot?

- No, it's against he rules!

Follow me.

There you are, seat 102 and 103.

- Excuse me, where are the seat belts?

- The what?

- Seat belts, they're uh...

- Say, what picture are they showing?

- Picture of what?

- Moving picture.

- On an airplane?

- Sure.

- Are you on something?

- All the airlines do it.

Didn't you ever see their commercials on television?

- On what?

- Television?

You know, you have a set in your home,

and they send the pictures through the air

and they come out on the screen?

- Would you two like to sit near an open window

and get some fresh air?

- Open window?

Isn't this cabin pressurized?

- What?

- Pressurized.

You know, when you get up high, the air gets

thinner and you have to,

well, you don't have to, but it helps.

- Miss Jones.

- We'll be taking off in a few minutes.

Just relax.

Yes, captain?

- Here's dinner for the passengers.

- Yes, sir.

- Did my copilot come aboard yet?

- Oh, I don't know, sir.

- It just can't be.

- Can't be what, sir?

- My copilot.

- What's wrong with him?

- Well, take a look.

Well?

- There's no one in there.

- Are you sure?

That's strange.

There was a pig in there.

- A pig?

- Wearing a helmet, goggles and a scarf.

- A little hungover today, aren't you?

After we take off, you'd better lie down.

Care to rent a pillow?

10 cents.

- No, thank you.

- What about you?

- Uh, no, thanks.

- Would you care to rent a pillo...

What is that?

- Oh, that's Arnold Ziffel.

Arnold, say hello to Miss Jones.

- That's a pig!

- Now you hurt his feelings.

- He's going to Washington with us.

- We don't allow pigs on this plane!

- He has a ticket.

- Either he gets off or you all get off!

Oh!

- What are we gonna do now?

- I hope Mr. Douglas is still out there.

He'll know how to handle this.

- I wonder why they haven't taken off yet.

- Your attention, please.

Will the copilot for the Washington flight

please report on board immediately?

- There's your answer.

Some airline.

- Mr. Douglas!

- You're supposed to be on board.

- We're havin' trouble with the stewardess.

- Oh, you got fresh with her?

- No, ma'am.

She wants to throw Arnold off the plane.

- I told ya they wouldn't allow a pig on board.

- You gotta talk to her and make her change her mind.

- Oh, come on, Oliver, you're such a good talker.

- How can I?

What kind of a plane is this, the paratrooper's special?

- There she is!

Miss Jones, this is my father, Mr. Douglas.

Now, he's gonna... - I'm not your father!

- Well, whatever you are, get that...

All right, where's the pig?

- Huh, uh, pig?

- The pig that was sitting right there.

- Oh, the pig, the one that was wearing the polo outfit.

He got off.

- Well, if he's on this plane, I'll find him!

- What did you do with Arnold?

- Put him in the occupied.

- The occupied?

For the love of.

Arnold!

Are you in there?

Arnold, come on out!

Arnold, the flight isn't gonna take off till you get off.

Oh, yes it is.

Hey, stop the plane!

Captain, sto...

- Oliver, you might as well sit down.

We're going to Washington.

- Golly, ain't this exciting?

- What's exciting?

- Watchin' the birds fly past us.

- This is the most miserable flight

I've ever been on.

What do you know?

You've never been...

- Boy, I sure am looking forward to the convention.

- Oh, we're going to have a wonderful time in Washington.

- Yeah, yeah, we don't even have a toothbrush.

- Well, we can buy everything there,

a toothbrush, a new mink coat and a whole new wardrobe.

- Why do you have to buy a whole new wardrobe?

- Well, I can't have dinner with the president in this.

- The president?

You know Mr. Hoover?

- Mister?

- I'm gonna drop in at the Department of Agriculture

and see the secretary.

- Ooh, that'll make his day.

Dinner is served!

- Dinner?

- We have Swiss on white.

We have ham and cheese on whole wheat,

and we have tuna fish on raisin bread.

- Can I just have a cup of coffee, please?

- Oh, help yourself.

Tuna fish on raisin.

- Good afternoon.

- Oh, hi.

My name is Hank Kimball.

I have a reservation.

We're all here for the NYPAS convention.

- NYPAS?

Aren't you a little late?

That was last week.

- That's impossible.

I remember distinctly getting a letter.

Well, I don't remember distinctly,

but I do remember that the convention was on the...

No, it wasn't.

- Oh, for the love of...

- Do you have another convention we can attend?

- No, sir, all we have at the moment

is a reunion for the friends of Bobby Baker.

- That sounds all right to me.

How about you, Mr. Douglas?

- Look, we just want a room for tonight.

- For all of you?

- No, just for my wife and myself.

- We'll take a room for me, him and Arnold.

- Arnold?

- Yeah, he uh.

Arnold?

I guess he went into the bar.

- Would you mind registering?

- Certainly.

- Where's your luggage?

- We don't have any.

- No luggage, Mr. Smith?

- Douglas!

- The reason we don't have any luggage

is we only went to the airport to see them off,

but they wanted to throw Arnold off the plane,

but he hid in the occupied, and while my husband

was trying to get him out, the plane took off.

- Would you mind paying in advance?

- Bartender, bartender?

Excuse me, mac, have you seen the...

Oh, air force.

Mind if I sit down?

Thank you.

Bartender!

What outfit are you with, buddy?

No foolin'.

I was with MacArthur in the Pacific.

Bartender?

- Yes, sir.

- I'll have a vodka and tonic.

Still got a touch of the malaria.

- What'll you have?

- Well, what are you standing there for?

You heard the lieutenant.

- That's a pig.

- Now see here.

That's no way to talk to a serviceman.

- Get him outta here.

- Don't give me any trouble, mac,

me and my buddy'll take this place apart.

Won't we, buddy?

- That's right, Hooterville.

Yes, this is Oliver Douglas.

Douglas.

That's right, I'm the one that registered

without the luggage.

- Who are you calling?

- Mr. Drucker to tell him to get somebody

to go out to the farm, feed the chickens, milk Eleanor.

- Tell him to get somebody for a couple of weeks.

- We're not gonna be here that long!

- Well, as long as we are here,

we might as well stay a while.

- Hooterville.

- If we do stay, could we get another room?

- What's wrong with this one?

- Well, it has twin beds.

- So?

- Well, my cousin and her husband had a room

with twin beds, and the next year, they had twins.

- What has that?

Hello?

The hotel manager, what?

Well, call Mr. Kimball, he's in charge of him!

- What happened?

- Arnold bit the bartender.

Hello?

Look, operator, yes, are you putting through...

- Drucker's store.

- Oh, Mr. Drucker.

- Oh, Mr. Douglas.

Say, did Hank and Eb get off to Washington all right?

- Yes, and so did we!

- What?

- Well, you see, Arnold locked himself in the occupied,

and well, we wound up in Washington.

- Oh, I sure wish I could be with ya.

Love to see some of them sites, the Statue of Liberty,

Bunker Hill, the Eiffel Tower.

- Mr. Drucker, I want you to do me a favor.

If you could find somebody to mind the farm

while we're away.

- Mind your farm?

- I'll take that.

- Mr. Drucker?

- No, this is Haney's Farm Minding Service.

- Mr. Haney!

- Now, just what kind of farm minding did you have in mind?

- May I talk to Mr. Drucker?

- Just as soon as we settle our business.

Now, for $8 a day, I will feed your chickens,

milk your cow and check your laundry to make

sure that you get all of your sheets back.

- Mr. Haney, I...

- For $12 a day, you get our 24-hour service.

Me and my wife, we move into your place

and in addition to the aforementioned,

we will watch your television set, eat your food,

drink you liquor and turn away any relatives

that happen to show up.

- Look, Mr. Haney...

- Don't worry about nothin', Mr. Douglas.

You just wire me a week's fee in advance,

and I'm sure that your barn won't burn down.

- Give me that!

Don't worry, Mr. Douglas, your farm'll

be taken care of.

- Thank you, Mr. Drucker.

Well, I guess it'll be safe to stay for a week.

- That's wonderful.

When were you here last?

- During the war.

- Oh, there are so many things to see.

Oh, look at that, Oliver, isn't that beautiful?

- Oh yes, Washington is one of the most beautiful...

That's the Eiffel Tower!

- Beautiful, isn't it?

This has been a Filmways presentation, darling.