Original subtitles

♪ Green Acres is the place to be

♪ Farm living is the life for me

♪ Land spreading out so far and wide

♪ Keep Manhattan, just give me that countryside

♪ New York is where I'd rather stay

♪ I get allergic smelling hay

♪ I just adore a penthouse view

♪ Darling, I love you but give me Park Avenue

♪ The chores ♪ The stores ♪ Fresh air

♪ Times Square ♪ You are my wife

♪ Goodbye, city life

♪ Green Acres, we are there

- Mr. Douglas?

Mr Douglas!

- I'm here.

- I was so excited I didn't even see you.

There's a story about you opening your law office

right here on the front page of the World Guardian.

Listen to this.

Oliver Wendell Douglas announces that...

Continued on page two.

He is opening law offices with, continued on page three.

Brian Williams, a local boy who, continued on page one.

- Page one?

- Graduated with high honors from, continued on page four.

- Oh, for the love of...

- The state school of, continued next week.

Real cliffhanger, ain't it?

- Of all the... - Oliver, Oliver.

What time do we have to go to the office?

- What are you wearing?

- It's my secretary outfit.

- Are you gonna be their secretary?

- Mhm.

- Not if you wear that.

- What's wrong with it?

- It's something you'd wear at a...

Anyplace you want to get arrested.

- I like it.

- She's not working for you.

Go on, put on something more conservative.

- I meant to ask you.

Who is the Brian Williams they mention on pages one,

two, three, one, and four?

- You don't know him?

He grew up here in Hooterville.

- Is he a tall boy with green hair?

- Green hair?

- No, that was Betty Abernathy.

She used to eat chlorophyll and it went to her head.

- Oh, you.

Look, Eb, I got a list of things I want you

to do around here today while I'm at the office.

First, I want you to spray the tomatoes.

- Oliver, how's this?

- That's better.

- Yeah, I've always liked you in that.

- You mean you saw me wear this before?

- Several times.

- I'll see what else I can find.

- Eb, never tell a woman you've seen her

wear the same dress before.

- I always tell my girl if she's wearing the same dress.

I've been telling her that for three years now.

- Let's get back to things I want you to do.

After you spray the tomatoes, I want you to weed

the 40 acres of corn, and when you're done with that...

- That'll be a week from next Tuesday.

- Eb, I'm counting on you to keep the farm running for me.

- I'll do my best.

I'll get up early in the morning and milk the cow,

feed the chickens, slop the hogs, make the beds,

tote that barge, lift that bale,

♪ Old man Douglas got drunk and landed in jail.

- Eb, just do the things I told you to do.

- Yes, sir.

What were they again?

- Have you ever seen this one before?

- Not on you.

But that's the one my girlfriend has been wearing

for the last three years.

- It's fine.

Come on, let's go.

- Just a second.

I bought a present for you to help you

launch your new office.

- Oh, a bottle of champagne.

- Yes, ma'am, and it's almost half full.

- How do you buy a half of a bottle of champagne?

- You just have to know some other guy

that wants to buy half a bottle of champagne.

Listen, if it's a little flat, you can just put

some salt in it and it'll foam up.

- Put it back on the ice and we'll foam it up

when we get home, thank you.

Come on, Lisa, let's go.

- Goodbye and good luck, and don't worry about a thing.

- Look, Oliver, they put your name on the window

of your office.

Oliver Mendell Douglas.

- Mendell?

That stupid sign painter.

It's supposed to be Wendell.

- When did you change it?

- It's always been Wendell.

- You could have fooled me.

- I'll have to call him, come on.

- You're Mendell here too, Wendell.

- Oh, for the love of... - Good morning.

- Good morning, Brian.

- Oh, the furniture came.

- Yes sir, which desk do you want?

- I'll take that one.

- That's the secretary's desk.

- What's that lump on it?

- That's a typewriter.

- What's that for?

- Lisa, maybe I'd better drive you back home.

- I know what a typewriter is.

Don't forget I graduated from

the Budapest Secretarial College.

- Fine.

- It's not easy to graduate from there.

- I'm sure.

- You have to know typing, shorthand, dictatorship.

- No, dictationship.

Dictionship.

Dictitationship.

- Did you see our names in the window?

- Yes, and the sign painter made a mistake.

My middle name isn't Mendell, it's Wendell.

- Are you sure?

- Of course I'm sure, I know my own name.

- I just meant, the sign painter seemed so positive.

- I'll call him and have it changed.

- To what?

- Mendell, er, Wendell.

- I'm afraid you can't call him from here.

They haven't installed the phone yet.

- Oh, for...

- There's a phone downstairs in the lobby of the bijou.

- I'll be right back.

- What do you want me to do?

- You just sit there and stay out of the way.

That's what you get when you work for a relative.

- Hello, excuse me, I want to...

- Mr. Douglas.

- Mr. Haney, what are you doing here?

- I'm helping out my cousin.

He owns this theater.

- Well, I wonder if I could use your phone.

- Help yourself, it's in the lobby

right next to the popcorn machine.

That'll be 25 cents.

- What for?

- A ticket.

- I don't want a ticket.

- Well I'm sorry, but you can't go

into the theater without one.

- I don't want to see the picture.

I just want to use your phone.

- That's what they all say.

My cousin warned me to watch out for deadbeats like you.

- I am not...

Is there another phone anywhere else around here?

- My uncle, he's got one at his gas station

down at the corner.

- Thank you.

- But you gotta buy five gallons of gas to use it.

- All right, here's your quarter.

- Thank you.

There.

You think you'll be coming back later

to make another phone call?

- I don't know.

- Well, just to be on the safe side,

we better stamp your hand.

- Hey, what did you do that for?

- That's so's you can get back into the theater

without buying another ticket.

- Mr. Telephone Man, it won't bother you

if I practice my typewriting, will it?

- No ma'am.

- D-E.

Telephone man.

- Yes?

- How many Es in dear?

- What kind of dear?

- The dear sir dear.

- Oh, one E.

- Thank you.

D-E-R.

- No, there's an A in there.

- Oh, any idea where it goes?

- Right after the E.

- D-E-A-R-E-A.

Sir, S-U-R.

- No, S-I-R.

- We went to Big Sur and that's the way they spelled it.

S-U-R, and this is a Big Sur because I used a capital.

In answer, I-N.

S-W-N-E.

- Don't you need this?

- Where did that come from?

- Your typewriter.

- Oh.

How are you doing?

- Fine, fine.

- That's wrong.

- That's the way they go.

You see, the blue wire leads to the phone.

- But the phone is black.

Shouldn't it be a black wire?

- Lady, I'm just following this wiring diagram.

- May I see the diaphragm?

- No, diagram.

- This is where you made your mistake.

- I haven't made a mistake.

- Well, then why didn't the phone ring yet?

- Because I just finished hooking it up.

- One moment please.

Is this a local call?

- Yes, ma'am, I'm just calling the telephone company.

Testing, 1, 2, 3.

This is Hooterville 297, would you ring me back please?

Hello.

Fine, thank you.

All right, your phone is working okay.

Now just let me show you this buzzer system.

- Ooh, we're getting pretty chummy, aren't we?

- No, no.

- Just because a girl is a secretary,

that doesn't mean that you can get fresh with her.

- Lady, I'm not trying to get fresh with you.

I just want to show you which button is which.

This button is for that desk.

- That's Mr. Williams, he's out to coffee.

- The other button is for the other desk.

- Oh, that's my husband.

He's downstairs in the bijou.

- Well, tell them that the buzzer system was your idea

and not mine, huh?

- Okay.

- And if you have any trouble, just call the office.

And ask for Bill Harding.

- Is that your name?

No, ma'am.

- What are you doing?

- Trying to put this back on the typewriter.

- Don't use the telephone.

They only put one phone in?

- That's all they had.

- Why did you have them put it on your desk?

- Because I'm the secretary and I answer it when it rings.

- What good is that?

Then I've got to come all the way over here.

- If you stop yelling and go over there

and sit down at your desk, I'll show you how it works.

- Okay.

- Are you ready? - Ready.

- Let's say that the phone is ringing.

Ding-a-ling-a-ling.

Ding-a-ling-a-ling.

- Well answer it.

- You never answer the first two rings

because it looks like you are not busy.

- For the love of... - Ding-a-ling-a-ling.

Now.

Good morning, this is the law offices

of Douglas and Williams.

Mr. Douglas, just a minute.

I'll see if he's in.

- I'm in.

- First I have to buzz you to find it out.

- All right, buzz me.

What's that?

- Your buzzer.

It's on the side of your desk.

- Stop ringing!

- Now that I've got your attention,

I say, "There's a phone call for you.

"Do you want to take it?"

- Yes.

Now what?

- That's the easiest part.

- This is the silliest...

Why didn't you get a phone with an intercom system?

- This is the only kind they had.

And they didn't really have this one.

The clanger was my idea.

- I should have known.

- Who are you calling?

- The phone company.

- The number is testing one, two, three.

- Testing one, two, three?

What?

No, this isn't the phone man.

Hello?

Hello, hello?

It's dead.

If this isn't the most frustrating...

- What's the matter?

- The phone doesn't work.

- When did they put it in?

- What's the difference when they put it in?

It doesn't work.

- Well, just...

- Now I have to go downstairs and call them.

- Why don't we call them while we're having lunch?

- All right, come on, let's have lunch.

- Shall we take Mr. Williams?

- Of course.

- What's that?

- The buzzer system.

- The buzzer?

- I'll explain it at lunch.

Who are you?

- The sign painter.

- Oh.

Well, you made a mistake with my name.

- Where?

- Here.

It's not Mendell, it's Wendell.

- Wendell?

- Yes, as in Wendell Willkie or Oliver Wendell Holmes.

- I'm sorry.

I'll change it.

- Thank you.

- Thanks for the lunch, boys.

- You're welcome.

Oh, I forgot to call the telephone company.

You two go on ahead, I'll be right up.

- Mr. Douglas.

- Mr. Haney, I'm just going to make another phone call.

- That'll be 35 cents.

- What for?

- You have to have a ticket.

- You stamped me.

- Oh, the red stamp.

That's only good until one o'clock.

- Until one?

- That's when the prices change.

That'll be 35 cents.

Now that cover is good till five o'clock.

- You miserable...

What the?

- He's back.

That stupid idiot.

- I guess he saw the sign.

- Did you see this chore?

- Did you see the window?

- You're Oliver Wendell Willkie Holmes there too.

- I give up.

To try to get something done in this town is absolutely...

- Mr. Douglas, why don't you take the rest of the day off?

I'll take care of the office, get the sign changed.

- Maybe I'll do that.

Come on, Lisa.

- Shouldn't I stay here and clang the clients

when they come in?

- We may not get any clients for months.

- Months, think it'll take that long?

- It usually does until people get to know

that we've opened a practice.

- Couldn't I stand downstairs and give out circulars?

- No you can't.

Just be patient, Brian.

Come on, sweetheart.

See you tomorrow.

- Hello there Mr. Kimball.

- Oh, hello, Mrs. Holmes, Mr. Holmes.

- Holmes?

- I saw your name on the window of your law office.

Oliver Wendell Willkie Holmes.

- Mr. Kimball.

- Gotta know why you changed your name.

I kind of liked Oliver Mendell Douglas.

- I'm glad.

- How's business, counselor?

Business counselor?

I thought you were a lawyer.

- He is.

Although he hasn't any clients yet.

Say, Mr. Kimball.

- All right, Mr. Kimball.

Anything else you want me to say?

- Oh, for the love of...

- Oh, for the love of... Anything else?

- Forget it.

- Forget it.

- Look. - Look.

- I just wanted to ask you if your boss needs a lawyer.

- Lisa, will you stop trying to drum up business?

- You wouldn't let me hand out the circulars.

I have to do something to get clients.

- Say, I got a great idea.

- All right, I've got a great idea.

- Will you two... - What's your idea?

- Idea?

Oh, yes.

- What is it?

- What's what?

- Your idea.

- Oh, you'll love it.

- I might if I ever hear it.

- Oh, well, what you should do is advertise.

Go on TV and do what those used car salesmen do.

Pound on the fender.

Only you pound on the desk and you talk about

how a new line of laws just came in

and you're overstocked with last year's laws

and you'll undersell any other lawyer in town.

- Hey, that's a great idea.

- That's a great idea.

- Don't you know an attorney is not allowed

to advertise on TV?

- Why not?

- It's unethical.

- In that case, I'll be running along.

I just dropped by to wish you luck

and tell you that I called the secretary of agriculture

and told him that you're giving up farming

and going back into law practice.

- I'm not giving up farming.

- You're not?

Gee, then I better call him back and tell him.

He still might have time to call off the party.

Oliver, look, they changed your name on the window.

- Oh, that's better.

- I wonder if Brian had the phone fixed too.

- Yes, they put in a new instrument.

- Fine.

- I took the liberty of having

Mrs. Douglas's clanger removed.

- She looks much better without it.

- Our stationery arrived. - Good.

- Then we're all set.

Let's go to work.

- Doing what?

- Law business.

- We gotta get a client first.

- What do we do in the mean time?

- Wait.

- Okay.

I'm waiting.

Now what?

- I'm gonna catch up on some back issues of the law journal.

- And I've got some cases I want to bone up on.

- Has anybody got any dictatorship they want to give me?

- No, ma'am.

- Anybody have any typing they want me to do?

- No.

- Anybody want me to call their bookie?

- Lisa, can't you find something quiet to do?

- How about if I make a going into business sale sign

and hang it out the window?

- Why don't you read?

- I haven't got anything.

- Then go buy yourself a magazine.

- Okay.

If the phone rings, you know how to answer it.

You pick it up and you say,

"This is the law office of..."

- We know, get your magazine.

Brian, my wife means well.

- I don't mind.

- We'll ease her out as soon as we can afford

a real secretary.

- Drucker?

- I'm back here in the print shop, Mrs. Douglas.

Come on back.

- Hello there, Mr. Drucker. - Hello.

- May I use your telephone?

- Help yourself. - Thank you.

Hello, hello, Sarah?

This is Mrs. Douglas.

Would you please ring my husband's law offices for me?

Thank you.

What are you doing?

- I'm setting type for tomorrow's edition

of the World Guardian.

- Sarah, are you ringing them?

- Hello?

- I knew you didn't know how to answer.

You're supposed to say, "These are the law offices of..."

- Oh, for... It's our secretary.

- Is a client coming yet?

- No, no.

Look, will you just leave us alone please?

- How are they doing?

- Not very good.

- Neither am I.

I have to put my own ad in my own paper

for my own store to drum up business.

I'm giving away free balloons to the kiddies,

free can of peas to the first customer, trading stamps.

- Do you think it'll work?

- It usually does.

- Trying to sneak off to the office without me?

Lisa, there's no point in your sitting there all day

with nothing to do.

- I have a feeling it's going to be a very busy day.

- I was here first.

- You were not.

I was here first.

And he was second.

- That's not the truth.

- Don't you argue with me.

- Mr. Douglas, these clients want...

- Clients?

- I told you it was going to be a busy day.

- Folks, this is my partner, Mr. Douglas.

- How do you do?

Are you all together?

- I've come for the free divorce case.

And the clock radio.

- And I came for the $2 will special.

- Huh?

- He wants the trading stamps and a balloon for his kid.

- Do you know what they're talking about?

- No sir.

- Your ad on the back page of the World Guardian.

- Opening law sale, Douglas and Williams,

your friendly credit lawyers.

Free law cases to the first five customers?

- $5 will special, today $2.

Free trading stamps, balloons and clock radios

with all cases.

- Mr. Drucker will bill us for the ad.

- I told you, attorneys are not allowed to advertise.

- You said only not on TV.

- Anywhere.

- Can I have my clock radio now?

You can mail me the divorce case.

- I'm sorry, this is a mistake.

- But the ad in the paper said...

- It was all a mistake.

No no, you have to leave.

Out, out.

- What did you do that for?

You wanted clients.

I'll get it.

- No, never mind.

Hello, Douglas and Williams, attorney at law.

- Now you're getting the idea.

- Yes.

Yes, this is Mr. Douglas speaking.

The ad, yeah.

Yes sir.

Yes sir.

Yes sir, goodbye.

Well, we got a real case.

- We have?

- Yep, a real big one.

- Who is it?

- The county bar association.

They saw our ad and they're bringing us up

on charges for unethical practices.

- What do we do now?

- Why don't we run an ad for a going out of business sale?

This has been a Filmways presentation, darling.