Original subtitles

♪ Green Acres is the place to be

♪ Farm living is the life for me

♪ Land spreading out so far and wide

♪ Keep Manhattan, just give me that countryside

♪ New York is where I'd rather stay

♪ I get allergic smelling hay

♪ I just adore a penthouse view

♪ Darling I love you but give me Park Avenue

♪ The chores ♪ The stores ♪ Fresh air

♪ Times Square ♪ You are my wife

♪ Good bye, city life

♪ Green Acres we are there

- Time to get up.

- Five more minutes, Harvey.

- Harvey?

Lisa!

- Who are you?

- I'm your husband!

- You shot Harvey!

- Who's Harvey?

- The fella I was dreaming about.

- Who is he?

- I don't know

- Then why were you dreaming about him?

- Well, it just seemed like a good idea.

Would you mind getting my robe?

What was your name again?

- Claude.

- And you say your a friend of Harvey's?

- Where's your robe?

- In the closet.

- This darn thing!

Of all the stupid!

Would you look at that!

- Just like Harvey said, Claude,

you have a rotten temper.

- Please, Lisa, don't bug me.

Those Monroe Brothers,

they've been working on this bedroom for a year,

and look at it!

- Where are you going?

- To call them!

- Keep your shirt on!

Oh, it's you.

I thought it was the guy next door.

- Funny, what'd you wake me up for?

- Well, the phone's ringing.

- Why don't you answer it?

- Today's Tuesday, I always sleep in on Tuesday.

- Monroe Brothers, Master Carpenters.

- Which one of the master carpenters is this?

- Well, which one do you wanna talk to?

- Either one.

- Just a second.

- Hello?

Hello?

- It's for you.

- Hello.

- Who is this?

- Alf Monroe, who's this?

- Mr. Douglas!

- Oh, good morning, Mr. Douglas, what can I...

- Is that the Mr. Douglas?

- Yeah.

- I didn't recognize his voice.

- Hello, hello?

- Hello there, sweetie pie.

- Is this Ralph?

- Does Alf ever call you sweetie pie?

- Look, Ralph, I want you and your brother

to come over here right away.

- I'm a mess, it'll take me

at least an hour to be presentable.

- It'll take five hours.

- Would you like a fat lip?

- What?

- I wasn't talking to you, sweetie.

- Ralph, will you and Alf get over here

as quickly as you can?

- I'll fly there on the wings of love!

- Mr. Douglas?

- Yoohoo, sweetie pie!

- Oh, you made it.

I didn't think you'd show up.

- Yours is but to command.

We're at your beck and call.

- You tell em, Beck.

- Thank you, Call.

- Oh, brother.

Would you mind stepping into the bedroom?

- Sure, don't wait for me, Alf.

- Both of you, in!

- Don't get uptight, Claude.

- Well, hello there!

- Howdy doody!

- Hi, Mrs. Douglas.

- Now, look you two...

- Oh, could you hand me the tennis racket?

- Yes, ma'am.

- The reason.

What are you doing?

- De-lumping the bed.

- That's a pillow.

- Well, then what is it doing up here?

- How do I know?

- Boy, Claude sure has a rotten temper.

- Thanks to you!

- What did we do?

- Look at that door!

- What's wrong with it?

- It's supposed to be on the closet.

- Then why'd you put it in the wall?

- It flew off the track!

- Could I have my tennis racket?

- No!

Do you know what the date is?

- No, my calendar watch stopped yesterday.

- It's exactly one year

since you started building this bedroom.

- It's our anniversary!

- Hey, this calls for a celebration.

- You wanna take us out to dinner?

- No, I don't!

- Well, why can't I have my tennis racket?

- Lisa, please.

Now, about this anniver

about our bedroom.

- Have we settled where we're gonna have dinner?

It oughta be some place fancy.

- There's a wonderful restaurant on 58th Street

right off Fifth Avenue.

- Let's go formal.

- Alright, I've got a brand new...

- May I say something?

- Yeah, but make it short,

I've gotta have my hair done.

- I'll make it short and sweet.

- Here that, Short?

- Heard it, Sweet.

- There is not going to be any celebration!

- You're just going to play tennis all day?

- I'm not playing tennis!

- Then may I have my racket?

- No.

Do you realize it's been a year

since you started this bedroom

and you haven't finished it?

- How can we finish it

if you keep ramming doors into the wall?

- They've got a point there, Oliver.

- Lisa, keep out of this.

Now, look, I want this bedroom finished,

and if it isn't, I'm gonna take you into court

and sue you for abrogating our agreement

plus the time and aggravation you've caused me.

Now, have I made myself clear?

- About everything except the tennis racket.

- Oh, here.

Go beat the bed.

- Can we get paid when we finish it?

- Of course, unless you want some money in advance.

- Well, we could use a few...

- You are not getting a nickel

until you've done the work

and it's passed inspection.

- Who's gonna inspect it?

- The building inspector.

- Uh oh.

- What does that mean?

- Uh, well, you tell him, Ralph.

- No, you tell him.

- No, you tell him, he wouldn't hit a woman.

- Oh, yes he would.

- No, I wouldn't.

- Well, Mr. Douglas, they won't inspect it

because, well, we forgot to get a permit to build it.

- You forgot to get a permit?

Of all the stupid, idiotic...

- Keep your cool, we'll get one.

- I'll get it.

Now, you just get to work!

And I don't want any more shilly-shallying!

- You hear that, Shilly?

- Heard it, Shally!

- Oliver, don't walk so fast!

- Lisa, you didn't have to come with me.

- Oh, yes I did.

Otherwise, you'd get into trouble

and hit somebody and get mad,

and then I have to come down here

to bail you out anyway.

- I'm not gonna get into any trouble.

- This reminds me of the place

where we got out wedding license.

- Wedding license?

- No, we're not here...

- You just fill out these forms.

Name, address, and,

oh, have you had your blood tests?

- Yes, and they came out very good.

- That's fine.

And how were yours, sir?

- What do you mean how were...

- This question wasn't on the one that we had in New York.

- We're a lot stricter here than they are in New York.

You see, marriage is a serious...

- I don't want to get married!

- He has the pre-marital wim-wam.

They all get them.

Take him down to the saloon and pour a few belts into him,

and he'll come trotting back with the same stupid smile

on his face that they all get.

- If you're all finished, I'll tell you what I came in for.

I wanna get a permit to build a bedroom.

- Before you're married?

- Oh, we are married!

- You can't be, you look too happy.

- What about the building permit?

- Certainly, where do you live?

- In Hooterville.

- Hooterville, Hooterville.

Ah, here we are!

These are copies of all the original building plans.

Now, do you have an address?

- No, no, it's called the Old Haney Place.

- Oh, Haney Place, Haney Place.

Ah, here we are!

Now, you wanna add a bedroom onto your barn.

- No, onto the house.

- What house?

- The house we live in.

- These plans don't show a house.

- You must be living in the barn.

- That's what I keep telling him.

- We're living in a house.

The barn is here, the house is here.

- Oh, well that explains why this doesn't show a house.

This is the Hooterville book.

We'll have to get the Pixley book.

- Why?

- Well, you see, this is the boundary line.

Now, your barn is here in Hooterville,

but your house is in Pixley.

- You mean we live in Pixley?

- No, we live in Hooterville.

- Not according to this.

- Look, our mail is delivered in Hooterville.

Isn't that right, Lisa?

- Right.

- And we pay taxes in Hooterville.

- Right.

- We vote in Hooterville. - Right.

- So, we live in Hooterville.

- Wrong.

- Lisa, will you...

- That's what he said, right?

- Right.

- So, if he's right, you're wrong.

Right?

- Wrong!

- Right!

- Look, all I want is a building permit for bedroom!

Can you take care of that for me?

- Certainly.

If you'll just fill out this form.

- Do we have to take another blot test?

- He might, but not you.

- Is this straight?

- Yeah!

- Well, don't seem so surprised,

I've nailed stuff up straight before.

How's your door coming?

- It's ready for testing.

- Who's shooting? - The TV!

When you click this, it opens the door

and turns the set on at the same time.

- Hey, that's great!

I think you invented something!

Turn it off.

You're a genius!

- I got the idea from our garage door.

I got the unit from our garage door, too.

- What do you want to give it to him for?

- We'll soak him for it.

- Soak him for what?

- Well, howdy doody!

- How do you like it?

- Oh, it looks pretty good!

Well, can you do the whole bedroom like that?

- You know it, tootsie.

- Did you get the permit, tootsie?

- Right here.

Now you have no excuse for not finishing the bedroom.

- No, we, hey, there's a mistake!

- Where?

- This is a Pixley building permit.

- Oh, oh, well, when they checked the original plans,

they discovered that the house is in Pixley.

- Pixley?!

Pack up your tools, Ralph.

- Okay, Alf.

- What are you doing?!

- We can't work in Pixley!

- We belong to Local 602,

the Amalgamated Carpenters Union.

- So?

- 602's a Hooterville Local.

- Pixley's Local 922.

We can't work in their territory.

- But I want you to finish the bedroom!

- Well, then why did you move to Pixley?

- I didn't move!

- If you ever move back to Hooterville, call us!

- Of all the stupid!

I tell you, those Monroe Brothers are gonna,

what, do you have to sweep the ceiling?

- Why did Alf and Ralph leave?

- Oh, they claim they can't work in this house

because it's in Pixley.

- Well, I told you not to move here.

- I didn't!

- I'll get it.

- Hello, there!

- Are you Mrs. Douglas? - Yes.

- My name is Clement, and well,

I'm Chairman of the Pixley Hospitality Committee.

And well, I've just learned that you've moved to Pixley,

and I'd like to present you with this bag of groceries.

- Oh, well, thank you!

Oliver, look what we got for moving to Pixley.

A bag of groceries!

- We didn't move to Pixley.

- Quiet.

You brought a grocery.

- Well, look, we don't want these.

- Oh, well, no!

This is your bag!

- No, no, his bag is yelling at people.

Excuse me.

- Lisa, give it!

Look, we didn't just move to Pixley.

We've lived here for three years!

- You have? - Yes.

- Well, that's interesting.

There's, well, there's no record of you

having paid your taxes.

- Oh, I've paid them.

- Oh no you haven't.

If you had, I'd have a record of it.

I'm also the Pixley Tax Assessor.

- Oh, no, no, I've paid them to Hooterville.

- Oh, well, you really should've paid them to us.

- Well, that's three years at 320 dollars a year,

that'll be

oh, 960 dollars.

- They were only 140 a year in Hooterville.

- You should've thought about that

before you moved to Pixley.

- I didn't move to Pixley!

- May we expect your check within the next three days?

- No, you may not expect my check!

- Oh, you're on your yelling bag again.

- I have a right to!

He wants me to send him a check for 960 dollars!

- I thought the groceries were free!

- Well, they are.

The 960 dollars is for taxes.

- Well, I thought taxes was

a very rich place with our value.

- Why did I have to marry somebody

who hears everything with an accent?

- Where are you going?

- To call Haney!

He never said anything about the house being in Pixley!

- Oliver, calm down!

- I am calm!

What happened to the telephone pole?!

- Oh, the Hooterville Phone Company took it away.

They ain't allowed to service Pixley residents.

- I'm not a Pixley resident.

- Then why did they give us a Pixley bag?

- Of all the!

- Don't get mad at them, it's your own fault!

You never should've moved to Pixley.

- Hello there, Mr. Drucker. - Hi.

- Good afternoon, folks.

Dog gone, Mr. Douglas, I thought you liked us.

- I do.

- Then why'd you move to Pixley?

- Mr. Drucker, I'm tired of everybody saying

I moved to Pixley.

- Well, you should've thought of that

before you moved out of Hooterville.

- Well, that's a switch.

- Is there any mail for me?

- I wouldn't know.

I had all your mail re-routed to the Pixley Post Office.

- Oh, for the love of...

- By the way, don't forget to change your zip code.

Pixley's 96344821756.

- I'm not... - Hooterville's 3.

- Oh, Oliver, we should've stayed here.

They have a lower zipper code.

- Zipper cod.

I mean, a zip... - No, no, zip code.

We pronounce it different here in Hooterville.

- I know how to pronounce...

- Oh, before I forget,

I've got a non-resident tax bill here for you.

- What's this for?

- Well, since you live in Pixley,

but work on your farm, which is in Hooterville,

we've gotta charge you a non-resident working tax.

- That's the most stupid...

- We like people who work here to live here.

- I do live here!

- Then why is he charging you a non-president tax?

- I am not paying his non-president,

his non-resident tax!

I'm not paying any taxes to anybody anywhere!

- He's been like this ever since we moved to Pixley.

- Do you see what I see?

- It depends, what do you see?

- That!

Who did that?!

- I didn't!

I was with you!

- Eb!

- Oliver!

All our stuff!

- I know, Eb!

Whoever did this is gonna...

Hi, Mr. Douglas!

- I've been calling you, where have you been?

- I was in the barn.

It's a long walk from Hooterville to Pixley.

- Eb, who moved all these things out here?

- I did!

- Why?

- Well, the sign explains.

Oh, I covered it up.

- These promises commanded.

- No, condemned.

And who condemned these promises?

Who commended the premises?

- There was a fella here from the Pixley Building Authority.

He said this house is too dangerous to live in.

- He's right.

- We've lived here for three years and nothing's happened.

- That's what I told him, and he said you were just lucky.

- He's right.

- He's not right.

- The reason he commended these promises

is because this structure doesn't meet the standards

of the Pixley Building Code.

- He's right.

- If you don't stop saying he's right.

Why did they wait three years to condemn it?

- Because you just moved to Pixley!

- Eb, I want you to move all the furniture

back in the house!

- What for?

You can't live in a house

without water, gas, or electricity.

- What?

- Hooterville has disconnected you, utility wise.

- Oliver, where are we going to stay?

- We're gonna stay right here!

Nobody's gonna.

- Howdy, folks!

Well, having a sidewalk furniture sale?

I guess things ain't going too good for you

since you moved here to Pixley.

- Mr. Haney, this whole thing is your fault.

- He's right.

- I am not!

I mean, he's,

Lisa, will you let me handle this thing now.

- Just how much you want for everything?

- I don't want anything for it.

- You mean you're just giving it away?

Eb, do you mind giving me a hand

and load this on the truck?

- Yes, sir!

- This goes back into the house!

Mr. Haney, you sold me this farm, didn't you?

- Right.

- Well, when you sold me this.

- You don't get mad at him when he says right.

- Right!

- Will you two.

Look, when I bought this place, you misrepresented it.

- How so?

- By telling me that the whole thing was in Hooterville!

- Mr. Douglas, when I sold you this place,

I just sold you a house, a barn, and the land.

I didn't say where anything was.

- When you buy a farm in Hooterville,

you assume that the house is in Hooterville.

- Maybe you do, but I always read the fine print.

- Well, you're going to be reading some fine print

on the summons that I'm go...

- Now, let's not get our nasties up.

If you don't wanna live in Pixley,

I think I can solve your problem.

- How so?

Please, Mr. Haney.

Haney House Moving.

- Now, if you will just tie one end of this to your house,

I'll tie the other end to my truck,

and we'll drag you across the line into Hooterville.

- I'm not having my house dragged anywhere.

This house stays right here.

- Mr. Douglas, now, to be truthful.

- You dare to use that word!

- I really thought that this house was in Hooterville.

But I guess somebody made a mistake

when they re-surveyed the county, 10 years ago.

- I certainly hope so, for your sake.

There has to be an error!

- No, sir.

There's your farm, there's your barn.

- And where's my house?

- In the other book.

- But when I bought the property,

I had a title search made it show

that the whole thing was in Hooterville!

- Title searches have been known to be wrong.

- So have maps!

- Well, if you'd care to have your property re-surveyed.

- I'd love to.

- Hello, there!

- Good morning.

- What are you looking at?

- That stick he's holding.

- Oh!

You're a stick looker.

- I'm a surveyor.

- Oh, could I look through the...

- Please, lady, don't touch the transit!

- Well, you touched it!

- I'm allowed to touch it, I'm the stick looker!

The surveyor!

Please, I have just one more calculation to make.

- What is a calculation?

- It's a... - Oh, how are you getting along?

- Oh, he has just one more cocka-salation to do.

- Cocka-slation?

- Well, I'll explain it to you how it works.

You see, he is a stick looker,

and he looks through the transum,

and then he makes his cocka-slation.

- Oh, that's the way it's done, huh?

- Well, Mr. Douglas, I'm through.

Very interesting.

There was a mistake on the other survey.

- Ah-ha!

- You were right.

Your house is in Hooterville.

- I knew it!

- It's your barn that's in Pixley.

- Are you sure?

- Yes, sir.

- How about that, we're back in Hooterville.

- Just a second, Lisa.

The house is in Hooterville,

the barn is in Pixley,

that means the farm is in Pixley.

- Oh, no. - Oh, good.

- No, the farm is in Crabwell Corners.

- Oh, for...

- I'd better call Crabwell Corners

and see if they give you a bag.

- Please, not on the transit!

- I can't believe it, I just can't believe it!

- Well, I can believe it.

When we first moved here,

you said you were going to make a success

out of this farm, and you have.

And now you are spread out over three towns.

- Lisa, I'm in no mood.

Why don't you watch the TV.

- Will you turn it on?

Why did you open the door?

- I didn't open the door.

- The set is on.

I don't want to see a cowboy movie, turn it off.

- Those stupid Monroe Brothers!

They hooked the door up to this.

- Oh, you mean we can only watch TV when the door is open?

- Those idiots!

- Oliver, what are we going to do?!

- We're gonna move back to Pixley.

Life was much less complicated there!

This has been a Filmways Presentation, darling.