Original subtitles

♪ Green acres is the place to be

♪ Farm livin' is the life for me

♪ Land spreading out so far and wide

♪ Keep Manhattan just give me that countryside

♪ New York is where I'd rather stay

♪ I get allergic smelling hay

♪ I just adore a penthouse view

♪ Darlin, I love you big give me Park Avenue

♪ The chores ♪ The stores ♪ Fresh air

♪ Times Square ♪ You are my wife

♪ Goodbye city life

♪ Green Acres we are there

- Here you are, Eleanor.

Here's your breakfast.

Go on, eat it.

Want some salt and pepper on it?

Ketchup?

How 'bout some peaches and cream on it?

- Peaches and cream?

- Oh, good morning, chief.

- Morning, Eb.

Hi, Eleanor.

Whoa.

Hey, what's the matter with her?

- How would you like it if a stranger

walked into your bedroom in the morning

and slapped you on the rump?

- Hm, guess I'm sorry, Eleanor.

- Hey, what're you gonna do?

- I'm gonna milk her.

- Did you prewarm your hands?

- What?

- If your hands are too cold, she gives blue milk.

- I'm not getting anything.

- Maybe it's her day off.

- Nothing.

- How do you expect anything to come out of this end

when nothing's been going into that end?

- What do you mean?

- She hasn't been eating.

- I wonder why not?

- Maybe she's got the Australian Pip.

- What's that?

- That's something you get when you're Australian

and it's a pip.

- Well, come to think of it,

she hasn't been giving much milk at all lately.

- Maybe her crank case is drying up.

- Well whatever it is, I better call a vet,

have them take a look at her.

- Sh sh sh.

What the?

Lisa.

- Oh, hello dear.

Is it raining?

- No.

- Did you take a shower with your clothes on?

- No, there was this chicken going up and down.

What are you doing to that?

- Oh, I was unstuffing the drain.

I dropped an orange down there.

- This one?

- I think so.

Do you want some orange juice?

- No thanks.

Lisa, do you know what you did?

You blew out the drain line.

- Well, I unstuffed it.

- Lisa, next time call me.

- Okay.

What's your name again?

- Darryl Zanuck.

- Oh.

Been to any good movies lately, Darryl?

- Oh Lisa, I've gotta change my clothes.

- Oliver, there is no milk in the bucket!

- I know.

- Did you and Eleanor have a fight again?

- Oh, no no no.

There's something wrong with her.

- Oh, the poor child.

What is it?

- I don't know.

But she's hardly given any milk for a whole week.

I'm gonna call a veterinarian.

- What's a veterinarian?

- An animal doctor.

- For our Eleanor?

- Yes!

- Nothing doing.

I am going to call New York and get a specialist.

Our daughter deserves the best.

- Lisa, she's a cow.

- I wonder what names you call me when I am not around.

- Lisa, I'm sure Eleanor would be the first one

to tell you that she would not want a specialist,

that she'd prefer a veterinarian.

- Well, I want to hear that from her own lips.

- If you do, let me know.

And while I'm getting her a veterinarian,

I'll get you a psychiatrist.

Do you know where Dr. Erlich is?

Oh, well when he comes home,

have him call me at the Douglas phone.

Yes, thank you.

Hey, what do you think you're doing?

- Who said that?

- I did!

- Where are you?

- Up here!

- Oh, hello Darryl.

- Where you going with Eleanor?

- Into the bedroom.

- I don't want a cow.

Oh, for...

- You'll feel a lot better here, Eleanor.

- What did you bring her in here for?

- Well, she doesn't feel good

and I'm not going to leave her out there

in that drafty old barn.

- What are you doing?

- Turning the bed down so she can lie down.

- Not in my bed!

- Well, she can sleep on my side.

- Well I'm not going to sleep in the same bed with a cow!

- Well, that's a fine way to talk to your wife.

- Mr. Kimball... - Hello there.

How do you do?

Say, this is a nice looking barn you got here.

- We're having a little problem.

I just called the vet, Mr. Kimball.

- Well, that's your problem, calling the vet Mr. Kimball.

His name is Dr. Erlich.

- No, I know his name.

- Then why did you all him Mr. Kimball?

- I didn't...

Do you know anything about livestock?

- Of course.

I'm not a county agent for nothing.

Although you might think it if you ever saw my paycheck.

- Well maybe you can help me.

- Well, I'll do my best.

What's your symptoms?

- Not me.

It's Eleanor.

Maybe you could take a look at her.

- Oh, glad to.

She looks alright to me.

- That's not Eleanor!

- No, I'm Lisa.

- Which one is Eleanor?

- The cow.

- How do you do?

Stick out your tongue and say ah.

Ah, ah.

Welp, I think I know what's wrong with her.

She can't say ah.

- Is that serious?

- Oh, forget it Mr. Kimball.

We'll wait 'til we can find a vet.

- Please.

I took Sick Cow 1A in agricultural school.

Now, what seems to be wrong?

- We haven't got any milk for a week.

- Well that's easy to fix,

just leave a note for the milkman.

- Oh, you miser...

- Mr. Kimball, we're worried about her.

If you can find out what's wrong with her?

- Well, I'll be glad to look her over.

If you'll just wait outside.

- Don't worry, Eleanor.

You're going to be alright.

- Is there anything I can do?

- No.

She's in very capable hands.

Well, how long has that been growing there?

- I better call the vet again.

Dr. Erlich hasn't come back yet.

- Well why do you need him?

I'm sure that Mr. Kimball knows what he's doing.

- Which Mr. Kimball are you talking about?

- The one who's in there with Eleanor.

- Well, there's nothing to worry about.

- Did you find out what's wrong with her?

- Oh, yes I did.

It's very simple.

You see, well, it, it has to do with, well...

- Mr. Kimball, you're blushing.

- Oh, perhaps if I could talk to Mr. Douglas.

- You actually know what's the matter with her?

- Oh yes, very normal with cows.

You see.

- Are you sure?

- I'm positive.

- Well thanks.

Yeah, thanks a lot.

- Oh, any time.

- What did Mr. Kimball say?

Is it serious?

- No, it's not serious.

I don't know why I didn't think of it myself.

- Well, what's wrong with her?

- Eleanor needs a calf.

- Oh, well that's easy.

Why don't we just buy her one?

- Uh, no, that isn't the idea.

She has to have her own calf.

- Why?

- Well, you see a cow gives milk primarily to feed her young

and when she doesn't have a calf, her milk dries up.

- Oh.

Well what do we do about that?

- Well, we find a bull for Eleanor.

- How do we do that?

- Well, we'll ask Mr. Drucker

if he knows anybody who has a bull at stud.

- What's that?

- Stud.

It's a,

it's a poker game.

Stud poker.

- Well I don't think I like Eleanor to marry a gambler.

I once had an aunt who married a fellow who was the most...

- Lisa, Lisa, let me handle it, huh?

- Oh yeah, Hank Kimball told me all about Eleanor.

I suppose you're looking for somebody with a stud bull?

- No poker players.

- Huh?

- Oh, she, do you know anybody?

- Yeah, Otis Cowan.

- Who's he?

Well he owns a farm over on the north end of town.

- Oh, owns his own farm.

Eleanor ought to like him, a bull with his own farm.

- No, no, no.

Otis Cowan owns the bull.

- Well, we'll go back and get Eleanor,

take her over there and leave her.

- Just like that?

- Well, yes.

- Does Eleanor know this bull?

- What has that got to do with it?

- What has that got to do with it?

Mr. Drucker, would you take your daughter over

and leave her with some strange bull?

- No, I, uh... - You see?

The least you can do is find out something about him.

Do you know what kind of a family this bull comes from?

- Well, I think they're very, uh...

- How much money does he make?

- Well, I don't, I, uh... - Is he a chaser?

- Not that I know of.

- Lisa, will you leave Mr. Drucker alone?

It doesn't matter what this bull is.

We're going home to tie Eleanor to the back of the car

and take her over there.

- Well, you should have been a father in Hungary.

That's the way they do things.

They tie their daughter to the back of the car

and take her over to marry some stranger.

The girl's feelings don't even count.

- Lisa, we're talking about a cow and a bull.

- And you let your daughter marry him.

- Yes, in that respect I'm a real Hungarian father.

Let's go.

- One moment, Darryl.

In case Eleanor likes this fellow, will you be around?

- Uh, well I guess so.

- Good.

Will they need a license?

- To do what?

- To get married!

- Oh, to get m... Married?

- Yes, well you are the Justice of the Peace

and I am sure there is nobody that Eleanor

would rather have perform the ceremony than you.

- Ceremony?

- Oh yes.

Nothing fancy, now, just a usual cow and bull ceremony,

just a few friends, you know, glass of wine, some cookies.

- Well, I, I, I, uh.

- Thank you Mr. Drucker.

- Oh, that's uh... A cow and bull ceremony?

- If you've never performed one,

it's very similar to the hen and rooster ceremony.

See you.

- Hen and rooster ceremony.

What kind of dad blamed idiot do they think I am?

Not without your parent's consent.

- Hello, folks.

- Well, are you Mr. Cowan?

- That's right.

- Mr. Drucker told me to come over and see you.

I'm Mr. Douglas.

- Oh.

- This is Mrs. Douglas.

- How do you do, ma'am?

- Oh, hello there.

I hear we're going to be in-laws.

- Uh, in-laws?

- Why you're son is going to marry our daughter.

- My son?

- Mr. Cowan, she means that your bull

and our daughter, er, I mean our cow.

- Oh, you want... - Yeah, that's right.

- Well I tell you what, just untie her

and leave her here and I'll take care of it.

- Oh, okay. - Not so fast, not so fast.

There are a few things I like to know about your family.

- My family?

- Are you a drinking man?

- Lisa.

- Well I don't want Eleanor to get hooked up

with a bunch of boozers.

- Well, I must admit that now and then

I do take a little drink, you know, just sociable.

- So does my husband.

But he makes more of a business out of it than a social.

- Lisa, you don't...

- May I ask what your son's name is?

- Oh, Ronald.

- That's a nice name.

What does he do?

- Oh, he goes to college.

- Ah, I like a bull that goes to college.

- No, Ronald is my son.

The bull's name is Dudley.

- Oh?

Does he go to college?

- No.

- Well, what are his prospects?

Can he support a family?

- Well I...

- Lisa, we're discussing two animals.

- Boy, you're getting more Hungarian by the minute.

- But why don't we just leave Eleanor here?

Everything will be fine.

- Not so fast.

Could we see your son?

- No, I told you, he's in college.

- No, she means could we see the bull?

- Oh, sure, sure, yeah.

- Lisa, this isn't at all necessary.

- Maybe not for you.

But this Eleanor's future we are talking about.

And it's our duty to see that she gets the right husband.

- Yes, you're right.

We should do everything we can.

- Oh, Oliver, you do care.

- Lisa, I... - Well, here he is.

- Hey, he looks fine, huh?

We'll just leave Eleanor here.

- Not so fast.

What do you think of...

Uh, what's your son's name again?

- Oh, uh Ronald.

- No, no not that son.

This one.

- Oh, this is Dudley.

- Well, Eleanor.

What do you think of Dudley?

I'm sorry, Mr, Cowan.

Eleanor doesn't like him.

- Doesn't like him?

Well, she's the first cow that hasn't.

- You mean he's been married before?

- Well, yes, uh, well no.

You see... - Have you got another son?

- No, just Ronald.

- Lisa, Dudley is fine.

We'll leave Eleanor and... - No thank you.

- What?

- If there's one thing Dudley doesn't need,

it's a kooky mother-in-law.

Come on Ronald, I mean Dudley.

- Now what?

- Don't worry, Eleanor.

Dudley isn't the only fish in the cream.

- Well, now that you and Eleanor have turned down Dudley,

have you got any suggestions?

- Maybe we could do like my cousin did

when she was looking for a husband,

join a lonely hearts club.

- That might work.

Or we could have a party for Eleanor

and invite all the eligible bulls in town.

- That's even better.

- Lisa, this has gone far enough.

I should have left Eleanor with Mr. Cowan.

- Oh, but Oliver.

- Lisa, there's nothing wrong with Mr. Cowan's bull.

But if you don't agree, then you find a mate for Eleanor.

- Well how am I going to do that?

Bring the chuckwagon up here, hombres.

We'll bed down here for the night.

- What the?

♪ There's a traffic jam

♪ on the Chisholm Trail tonight, Martha

♪ That's why I'm a little late at getting home to you

- Mr. Haney.

- Oh, Mr. Douglas.

You're the first critter I've run across on the trail today.

I hope you don't mind me pushing my herd across your range.

- Your herd?

What herd?

- Him.

- Oh, is that a him cow?

- Yes, ma'am.

One of the finest him cows in the county, if not the state.

- That is one of the mangiest looking bulls I've ever seen.

- Oh, he don't always look that way.

It's just that he's been pining away for a mate.

Ain't that right, Ole?

His name is Ole Sanchez,

the last of a great line of Pampas bulls from the Argentine.

- Oh boy.

- I sure wish I could find a right mate for him.

- Well, Mr. Haney, we have a...

- Lisa, don't say it.

- Don't say what?

- That we have a cow that...

- You have a cow?

- You know darn well we have.

You sold her to us.

- Eleanor.

- Oh, her.

Well, I don't think that Ole'd be interested.

- Fine, now if you'll just take him out of here.

- I should let him speak for himself.

How 'bout it Ole?

Would you care to meet Eleanor?

He says, "Si."

That means yes in Spanish.

- I don't care what language he said yes in.

I'm not bringing Eleanor out here to meet that...

- Who is that?

- Eleanor!

- Doggone, I hardly recognized her.

She sure has blossomed into a beautiful hunk of beef.

- Oliver, look at that.

It's love at first sight.

- Love at, she needs glasses.

- I agree with Mrs. Douglas.

I believe they have fallen madly in love.

- Then I think they ought to get married.

- So do I.

That'll be $300.

- Three hundred dollars?

- Well, in the Argentine, the wife is expected

to bring along a little dowry.

- Mr. Haney, I want you to take that bag of beef bones

and get out of here!

- But Mr. Douglas, you're breaking up a beautiful romance.

- Out!

- Let's slap leather, Ole.

We got a heap of trail to ride

before the sun sinks behind the buttes.

That's a fade out line from a Gene Autry picture.

- Then fade out!

- You did it again.

You broke Eleanor's heart.

- Alright, Lisa, I've had enough of this nonsense.

This is a cow.

She doesn't know anything about romance.

To her, one bull is the same as another,

except Mr. Haney's bull.

Now, tomorrow I'm taking her over to Mr. Cowan's

and that is that.

- I know just how you feel, darling.

That's the way I felt when my father

forced me to marry Mr. Douglas.

♪ There's a traffic jam

♪ on the Chisholm Trail tonight, Martha

♪ That's why I'm a little late getting home to you

♪ Get along, get along, get along,

♪ get along, get along, get along

- Ah, Morning, Eleanor!

Well today's your wedding day and...

Eleanor.

Holy smoke!

Mr. Douglas!

Mr. Douglas, Mr. Douglas!

- What, what, what, what, what's the matter?

What's the matter?

- If you weren't asleep, you'd know.

- Know what?

- A terrible thing happened?

- Yeah?

- What, what, what, what, what's going on?

- I, I don't...

- Like I just told Mr. Douglas, a terrible thing happened.

- What?

- He didn't tell me!

- Oh, that's right, I didn't tell you.

Well you see, I got up this morning and made my bed

and I was singing this song.

♪ There's a traffic jam

♪ on the Chisholm Trail tonight, Martha

- Eb!

If you don't tell me what happened, I'll...

- I'm, I'm just trying to set the scene

so you'll get the full impact.

- You'll get the full impact to this if you don't...

- Well in that case, I'll tell ya.

Eleanor's gone.

- Gone?

- Yeah, she kicked the barn door down and escaped.

- Now are you satisfied, Mr. Matchmaker?

You wanted her to marry a bull she didn't like.

And rather than to do that, she ran away from home.

- I doubt that.

- I'm never going to see her again.

- There's nothing to cry about!

- What a cold heart!

This is the last time I ever marry a Hungarian!

- Oh, for...

Oh, I can do it!

Come on, she hasn't gotten very far.

We'll find her.

- Hold it right there, partner.

- Mr. Haney, point that gun somewhere else.

- Oh, it ain't loaded.

Gene Autry made sure of that when he sold it to me.

You see, he can't use it no more

now that they don't allow violence on TV.

- Mr. Haney...

- Eb, is there a tall tree around here,

where we can string this varmint up?

- Uh, yes sir.

There's a good tree right in the back of the...

- Eb!

What are you talking about, stringing me up?

- That's what we do with cattle rustlers.

- You don't make any sense.

- Don't play the lily-livered innocent with me.

Last night you snuck over to my coral in the dead of night

and you cleaned out my whole herd of Ole Sanchez.

- Oh, for the love of...

- What's the matter?

- I'm gonna hang your husband.

- Oh, well there is a good tree there in the back of...

- Lisa!

- You deserve it.

You know what he did?

He made Eleanor run away from home.

- Eleanor is missing?

- Yeah, I was making my bed this morning

and singing this song.

♪ There's a traffic jam in the...

- Will you be quiet?

- So, Eleanor's missing, huh?

And so is Ole.

- So that's it.

- What's it?

- They eloped.

Oliver.

- Mhm.

- Where do you suppose they went on their honeymoon?

- Who?

- Eleanor and Ole.

- They probably went to Niagara Falls.

- Oh, don't be silly.

Do you suppose he took her to South America?

- Look, Lisa...

- Well, he's from the Argentine.

- That's probably where they went.

Now may I go back to sleep?

- Of course, dear.

- Oliver.

- What now?

- I hope they'll be as happy as we are.

- Me too.

- You are happy, aren't you?

- I would be if I could get some sleep.

- Oh, I'm sorry.

Goodnight, darling.

- Goodight, goodnight, sweetheart.

- Linda? Olga? Maria? Kate? Carol?

Betty? Barbara? Mildred? Penny?

- Lisa.

- Yes.

Yes, we could call her Lisa.

Unless, of course, it's a boy cow.

Then we'll call him Oliver.

- Yes, call him Oliver.

- Oliver, just think, our daughter is going to be a mother.

Oliver!

- What's the matter?

- Oliver, I just thought of something.

- What?

- I'm too young to be a grandmother!

This has been a Filmways presentation, darling.