Original subtitles

♪ Green Acres is the place to be

♪ Farm living is the life for me

♪ Land spreading out so far and wide

♪ Keep Manhattan, just give me that countryside

♪ New York is where I'd rather stay

♪ I get allergic smelling hay

♪ I just adore a penthouse view

♪ Darling I love you, but give me Park Avenue

♪ The chores ♪ The stores ♪ Fresh air

♪ Times Square ♪ You are my wife

♪ Goodbye, city life

♪ Green Acres, we are there

- Good morning.

- Good morning.

- What are you doing?

- Cooking breakfast.

I hope you're hungry.

Yeah, just a minute.

What is that?

- Bacon and eggs.

- That's a picture.

You expect me to eat that?

- Of course not.

- Well then, why did you paste it in the frying pan?

- Well, I've never cooked bacon and eggs before

and I want to be sure that it comes out just like this.

- I see.

No, I don't see.

- Well, it's like a blue point.

- A what?

- You know, when you're building a house

and the carpenters follow it.

- A blueprint.

- I thought that was an oyster.

- Oh yes, that's right.

A blueprint oyster.

Hold it.

I'll just have some coffee.

- Help yourself.

- Yes, you're sure there's not a picture in here?

- No.

- There's no coffee in here either.

- There isn't?

- No.

- Oh, I remember putting the coffee in something.

Oh yes, I put it in the sugar bowl to remind me

that we're out of sugar for the coffee.

- Well, I'll get some.

I've got to go into Drucker's store anyway.

- Well, what about the bacon and eggs?

- Oh, paste it in my scrapbook.

It'll be nice to remember some day.

- You know, Sam, they're holding the annual

fire chiefs convention in Miami this year

and I've been invited.

- Joe, those apples are 10 cents a piece.

- Yeah, I know.

All the fire chiefs in all the big cities

are gonna be there.

- The money, Joe.

- Oh.

Here's five cents.

- I told you they were a dime.

- Oh well, I only wanted a half.

- I don't sell half an apple.

- Put a rubber band around it and it'll look as good as new.

- Look, Joe...

- I was saying, all the important fire chiefs

in the fire country are gonna be at the convention.

I figure on getting to Miami a couple days early

so I can get a good suite at the Hotel Fountain Blown.

- Fountain Blown?

- Yeah, that's a French word.

- Joe, if you hadn't got enough money to

buy a whole apple, how do you figure to get to Miami

and live in a suite?

- I was just coming to that.

You see, it's a custom among us fire chiefs

to allow the citizenship of our community

to subsidize the trip.

I got you down for two bucks.

- Oh, well that's darn nice of you.

- The reason I'm letting you off so reasonable

is because you always let me come in here

and take a free apple.

- Doggone you, Joe.

- As I was saying, your two dollar donation

toward my trip will...

- I ain't giving any donation and I don't think

anybody else will either.

- That's a fine thing.

Fire chiefs from Los Angeles, New York, Chicago,

are going to be there.

How's it going to look if I ain't there

to represent Hooterville?

- I don't think they'll even notice.

- There ought to be somebody around interested enough

to finance my civic minded trip.

After all, it's only gonna cost the poultry sum of $690.

- Well, just who do you think is going to be

stupid enough to give you $690?

- Good morning, gentlemen.

- Care to buy half an apple for a dime?

- They're a nickel.

- Thought you didn't sell half an apple.

Give me that.

- Well, how have you been, Mr. Douglas?

- Well fine, fine.

- I'm glad to hear it.

- Well, thank you, thank you.

Now, Mr. Drucker...

- You know, for a long time now, I had my eye on you.

- Oh?

- Yeah, as fire chief, I have to keep

a pretty close watch on my medial subordinates.

And it's been called to my attention

that you got the makings of a great firefighter.

- Oh thank you.

- That's the reason I'm raising you up

through the ranks and making you deputy fire chief.

- Well, that's very... - Joe, put that back.

- I need it for the swearing in ceremony.

- Oh brother, Joe.

- Mr. Douglas, put your left hand on that fire extinguisher.

- Look, really...

- Now raise your right hand.

Do you solemnly swear to uphold the duties

of the deputy fire chief, which include getting

plane tickets to Miami and reservations

at the Hotel Fountain Blown?

- Why should I get you...

- He's trying to con you into paying for a

vacation to Miami.

- It ain't a vacation.

It's a fire chief's convention.

- Well look, you don't expect me to pay for your trip.

- You ain't gonna pay for all of it yourself.

I got Sam down here for two dollars...

- Which I ain't giving.

- Ben Miller's on for two and a half,

Newt Colly down for 2.85...

- All right, if everybody's giving, how much

do you have me down for?

- $690.

- The most you'll get out of me is five.

- Well, 500 will be all right.

I can get a smaller suite.

- Five dollars.

- That's the thanks I get for organizing

the finest volunteer firefighting outfit in the county.

Ain't that true, Deputy?

- Oh, I don't think it's the finest.

- Oh you wouldn't know, you ain't been deputy long enough.

- Joe, our fire department's a joke.

We don't even have any firefighting equipment.

- That's one of the reasons for my trip to Miami.

I planned on circulating around among

the other fire chiefs, see if I can pick us up

a good used hook and ladder.

- Oh, I don't think you're going to...

- You still here, Deputy?

I thought you were out working on my reservation.

- Mr. Carson, I think Mr. Drucker's point is well taken.

We really don't have a fire department.

We haven't any equipment.

Now, I'd be happy to donate to that.

- How much?

- Well, whatever...

- 690 bucks ought about cover it.

- Joe, you really want to make our fire department

the best in the county?

- Well sure, how?

- Resign as chief.

- We can discuss it after I get back from Miami.

- No, I think we'll discuss that Sunday afternoon

at the town meeting.

- Lisa?

Get off of that couch.

- It's all right, Arnold.

Just stay where you are.

- Lisa, I don't want him sitting...

- He's our guest, he came over for tea.

- Tea?

- He's on an English kick.

- Oh.

Well, where's his cricket bat?

Lord Shelton Slugger.

This is the most ridiculous...

- Did you bring the sugar?

- Oh no.

- But I promised Arnold some for his tea.

- Well, I forgot.

I'm sorry I'm only human.

Which is more than you can say.

- Now you insulted him.

- Fine, let him mooch his tea somewhere else.

- You're not a very good host.

- No, I got, oh, he forgot his cricket bat.

- Oh that's all right, the game has been postponed.

How could you forget the sugar?

- I was talking to Mr. Drucker.

- What about?

- About the volunteer fire department.

Guess who Mr. Carson made the new deputy fire chief?

- Who?

- Me.

Oh, Oliver.

I am so proud of you.

- Oh no, it's nothing to be proud of.

He's trying to get me to pay for his trip to Miami.

- Well, it's nice of you to do it.

- I have no intention of doing it.

- Then you won't be deputy fire chief.

- If I have to buy a promotion, I don't want it.

- You never would have gotten anywhere in Hungary,

because if you want to be anybody there,

you have to shell out.

- Lisa, I'm not...

- For $69 in the right hands, they would make

you police chief for a week.

Or you could be a principal of the high school for $37.

- Yes, well...

- Then my father was the king.

- When was your father ever the king?

- The time the real king went on a vacation.

My father bought the crown and the throne

for two days for $38,000.

- 38,000?

- Yes, but he made $92,000 in the deal because

for the two days he was king, all they did was collect tax.

- Lisa, I never heard of such...

- Do you know what it cost him to make my mother queen?

- I don't care.

Of all the stupid stories...

- Well, just because you're deputy fire cheese

doesn't mean you can yell at everybody.

- I am not the deputy fire cheese, or chief.

- You said that Mr. Carson made you that.

- Look, I'm afraid Mr. Carson is not gonna be

in any position to make anybody anything.

There's a meeting Sunday afternoon, and I have a feeling

they're gonna replace Mr. Carson with another fire chief.

- And that's going to be you.

- I didn't say that.

- Well, if you're the deputy and you get him kicked out,

that makes you Mr. In.

- Lisa, I'm not getting...

- What a terrible thing to do to a fine man like Mr. Carson.

But then anybody who would swipe a cricket bat

from a nice pig like Arnold, will do anything.

- The nice pig forgot his cricket bat.

And believe me, I'm not interested in

taking over Mr. Carson's job.

You mean that?

- I mean it.

Oh, Oliver.

You're all wool and wide in the yard.

- Town meeting will now come to order.

Now let's not waste any time, because I know

you're all anxious to get over at the cricket match.

- Cricket match?

- We've got something real important to discuss,

so will somebody please make a motion

that we dispense with the reading of the minutes

and the old business?

Chair recognizes Haney.

- Mr. Chairman, I ain't too sure that

such a motion is in order.

Why not?

- Well, Mr. Douglas, can I borrow your copy of

Seedlingers Rules on parliamentary procedure?

- Well, I don't have one.

- You don't have a Seedlinger?

- No.

- Well, we can rectify that deficiency.

That'll be 75 cents.

Anybody else care to purchase a copy of Seedlingers?

- Haney, sit down.

We've got a long meeting ahead of us.

- In that case, would anybody be interested

in renting this genuine cane pillow?

Which is guaranteed to prevent seat fatigue.

- Haney, if you don't stop hawking all that stuff,

I'm gonna have you thrown out of the meeting.

Now, will somebody please make the motion I asked for?

- I make the motion that we dispense with the reading

of the minutes and the discussion of old business.

- Comfortable, ain't it?

That'll be 50 cents.

- I don't want...

- I'm sorry, but according to the County Health Code,

a sat upon seat cannot be returned

without being dry cleaned.

That'll be 90 cents for dry cleaning.

- Mr. Haney.

- Gentlemen, please.

A dispensing motion has been made.

All in favor, raise your hand.

Motion's carried.

Now, to get to the important business.

The Hooterville Volunteer Fire Department meeting

is open for discussion.

Mr. Douglas.

- Gentlemen.

I don't think it's any secret that our fire department

is a disgrace.

It's inefficient, it's ill equipped,

and in the event of any emergency,

it would be completely impotent, not only...

- Is that word impotent?

- Yes.

- You spell that with an I or an E?

- An I, what are you doing?

- Just looking up the meaning of that word

in this new handy pocket dictionary.

Which I am offering today for only one dollar.

It contains 20,000 words, most of which

can be used in polite society.

- Haney.

- Mr. Haney, may I please continue?

- Oh, go right ahead.

As I was saying.

Our fire department is outdated.

We need equipment.

We need instruction.

In other words, we need to completely overhaul

the Hooterville Fire Department.

- I agree.

The chair will now entertain the motion

to fire Joe Carson.

- Oh, wait gentlemen... - Motion's made.

- No.

- All those in favor?

Motion carries, Joe's fired.

Now, the next order of business is the new fire chief.

And since this ain't gonna be an easy job,

I think it's only fair that we ask for a

volunteer for the job.

- Mr. Drucker...

- Mr. Douglas, we accept your volunteering.

- No, but... - Hail to the new fire chief.

Hail hail.

Hail hail.

Hail hail.

- Oh hail.

- Coming.

Oh hello there, Mr. Kimball.

- Hello, Mrs. Douglas.

Is Mister,

what's your husband's name?

- Oliver.

- Oh yes.

Is Mr. Oliver home?

- Oh no, not Mr. Oliver.

Just plain Oliver.

- Oh, is just plain Oliver home?

- No, but he'll be here shortly.

I'm making Sunday dinner, would you like to stay?

- Oh gee, I'd like that.

Well, maybe I wouldn't.

What are you having?

- Pot roast.

- Oh, my mother makes pot roast like that.

Except she uses a smaller picture.

- Then you'll stay?

- Oh no, I'm on a diet.

I'm not allowed to eat paper or mucilage.

Anyway, I can't stay too long.

I just come over to sneer at your husband.

- What for?

- Well, I guess you didn't hear what

just plain Oliver did to poor Joe Carson.

Hoisted him out of his job as fire chief.

Got him kicked out, lock stock and extinguisher.

- Just plain Oliver did that to poor Mr. Carson?

- He really stuck the shiv in him.

They're gonna cashier him tomorrow.

- What's that?

- Oh, you know.

They pull the epaulets off his uniform,

cut off his button, jump up and down on his fire helmet,

punch holes in his rubber boots.

It's a sad sight.

I once saw them cashier a fire chief over at,

no, that was a police chief.

No, that was my father.

- I wonder why Oliver did that.

- Gee, I don't know.

He didn't even know my father.

- No I mean, why did he do that to Mr. Carson?

- Why?

I'll tell you why.

So he could get the job as fire chief.

- But he said he didn't want to be fire chief.

- Well, for somebody who said he didn't want to be,

I heard he made the motion to kick Joe out.

Then he jumped up and volunteered before

anybody else had a chance.

Well, I guess a free trip to Miami without his wife

was too tempting to pass up.

Then there's the... - Wait a second.

Let's go back to Miami without his wife.

- Oh as I understand it, one of the rules

of the fire chief convention is that no wives are allowed.

You see, it kind of interferes with the chiefs

sitting around the hotel lobby, ogling the girls in bikinis.

- So, that's what he has up his sleeve?

- Oh, I don't think it's up his sleeve.

They probably search everybody before they

come in the hotel.

- Well, just wait until he gets home.

- Well I wouldn't expect him too soon.

He's probably out celebrating.

Hoisting a few.

Do you have a chaser, please?

- Lisa...

- Look who is here, just plain Oliver.

The bikini ogler.

What?

- May I have your attention, please?

In case you didn't know what that was,

it was a sneer.

Good day, Mrs. Douglas.

- What was that all about?

- As if you don't know.

- Lisa, I don't.

Come back here. - Where have you been?

- I've been at the town meeting and,

by the way, guess what I am?

- A rat fink?

- A what?

- How do you feel forcing Mr. Carson out of his job

and getting holes punched into his boots?

- Would you mind telling me what you're talking about?

- You're the new fire chief, aren't you?

- Yes, but I...

- I thought you didn't want the job.

- Yeah, the whole thing was a mistake.

- Some mistake.

It shows when the chips are down, you're the first

to throw your hand in the pot.

- Lisa...

- Getting Mr. Carson fired so that you would

get a trip to Miami without me.

You did a terrible thing to him.

- Lisa, the town didn't want him.

They voted him out, they voted me in.

- After you volunteered.

- Oh, all I did was stand up and say...

- That you'd take his job.

- Look, there's no great honor in being the fire chief

but somebody's got to get the department organized.

The farms, maybe the lives of the people

in this valley, depend on the efficiency

of the fire department.

Once I get it organized and working,

Mr. Carson can have his job back.

- After you made the trip to Miami without me.

- At the moment, that sounds like a great idea.

- Where do you think you're going?

- To take a nap.

- Not in my bed.

From now on, you're going to sleep on the couch.

- Lisa, I'm not going to sleep on this couch.

Lisa, Lisa, open the,

all right, if you're ever on fire, don't call me.

Ooh.

Oh, that stupid couch.

- Got the back crabs this morning.

- Oh, Eb.

- Heard you had to sleep on the couch last night.

- Well, that's none of your business.

- It must be pretty degrading to a big

fire chief like yourself.

- Eb, I can do without your sarcasm.

- Oh, I wasn't being sarcasm.

I admire your rise to power.

Working your way up through the ranks with nothing.

Except the knife you put in Mr. Carson's back.

- I'm getting a little tired of this.

I did not knife anybody.

I didn't ask to be fire chief, do you understand?

- Yes, Chief.

When are you leaving for Miami?

- Look, I don't want the job.

I'd like to get out of it.

Now please, go away.

- I'm just trying to help.

Anyway, you ain't got anything to worry about.

Today's Monday, isn't it?

So why aren't you?

- Why aren't I what?

- When Mr. Carson was chief, he went around

the valley on Mondays inspecting for fire violations.

- You mean, he'd go around giving out tickets?

- He tried that once and they threatened to fire him.

- You mean nobody's ever paid a fine for a violation?

- Not when Mr. Carson was chief.

- Well.

Mr. Carson isn't chief anymore.

- Joe never gave me a ticket for that loose stove pipe.

- Mr. Carson is not chief anymore.

- Well but, Mr. Douglas... - Chief Douglas.

That violation will cost you $35.

And if it's not fixed by tomorrow, it will be $55.

- But Mr. Douglas... - What is that?

What's the

for?

- Overcrowded outlet.

That'll be a $15 fine.

Now.

Uh oh.

- Does an uh oh cost more than a...

- I'm afraid so.

$25 for having your pickle barrel blocking the exit.

- Well when Joe was chief, he never...

- Mr. Drucker, you kicked him out because

you complained that he wasn't efficient.

- Well yes, but...

- I'm just trying to do my job the way

you wanted me to.

And by the way, I'll see you tomorrow morning at six AM.

We're having an all day fire drill.

- Well, of all the dagnabbit, doggone,

gull blasher, ring ding, unfair...

- That will be another three dollars.

- What for?

- Getting hot under your celluloid collar.

- $14?

- Yes.

This wooden Indian should be flame proofed.

- But Joe Carson... - Is not chief anymore.

Let me see.

Oh.

Is this soldering iron connected?

- Well yes, it is.

- Oh I'm sorry, that's going to cost you $18.

- Well, why?

- Section 14 of the Fire Prevention Code

states that a connected soldering iron

must be at least 30 feet from an unflamed

proofed wooden Injun.

- Well, it was, it was, but while I was working,

the Indian moved over closer to watch me.

- Uh huh, to watch you what?

- I was antiquing this genuine early American desk.

- In an enclosed space?

Oh, sorry.

That's a $47 fine.

- $47?

- And I'll see you tomorrow morning at Bleeker's Bluff.

We're going to test out the old fire jumping net

and you're the first jumper.

Goodbye.

- You think you fellows got socked with big fines.

Wait until you hear what Mr. Douglas did to me.

- What did he do?

- To who?

- To you.

- Oh.

Well, he walked in my house, he looked around,

and you know what he said?

- Well, what did he say?

- What did who say?

- Oh, forget it.

- How can I forget a $26 fine just for having

my mother in law too close to the stove?

- That's nothing.

He found $75 worth of violation in my store,

and that's more than I took in in the last four years.

- Well, what are we gonna do?

- Well, there's only one fair thing to do.

All those in favor of kicking Mr. Douglas out,

raise their hand.

The vote is unanimous.

Mr. Douglas can consider himself kicked.

- You were the fire chief just for one day.

You can't hold a job, can you?

- I should think you'd be happy that I got myself fired

and Mr. Carson is fire chief again.

- Did Mr. Carson get his trip to Miami to the convention?

- No, no.

The town refused to donate money for that.

- Oh, poor Mr. Carson.

He had his heart set on it.

- I wouldn't worry about poor Mr. Carson.

What's that?

Mr. Carson.

- Chief Carson.

Douglas, would you mind getting your boots

so I can punch holes in them?

- I'll get them.

- Nevermind.

Mr. Carson, would you mind telling me what this is?

- It's a fire engine.

No wonder they didn't keep you as chief.

- I mean, where did you get it?

- Well, you kept yakking for new equipment

at the department, so I bought it.

- You bought it?

- Well, not exactly.

I got it on consignment for two weeks.

If it don't meet our requirements, I can return it.

- Well, that's very...

- I'm gonna give it a stiff road test.

All right, Charlie.

Hotel Fountain Blown in Miami.

Don't spare the sirens.