Original subtitles

Who do you think you are kidding, Mr.

Hitler, if you think we're on the run?

We are the boys who will stop your little game.

We are the boys who will make you sing again.

Cause who do you think you are kidding, Mr.

Hitler, if you think old England's done?

Mr. Brown goes off to town on the 821, but he comes home each

evening and he's ready with his gun.

So who do you think you are kidding, Mr.

Hitler, if you think old England are you?

Now, pay attention, everyone.

Listen.

Listen.

Platoon, shun.

Stand at ease.

Platoon, shun.

Yes, you see, that whole movement seemed to lack verb.

Would you mind, just for me, just put a bit more sparkle into it?

Understand? For inspection.

I'm sorry I'm late, Mr. Wilson. It's all right, Jonesy, it's all right. Just try

to be here at the right time in future. You see, the offal arrived today, but

the suet did not.

There you go, Jonesy. Just settle down, will you? For inspection.

I'm sorry, Mr. Wilson. I haven't got my bundook. For heaven's sake, Jonesy, just

hurry up, will you? Hurry up.

So, for inspection.

Port. In one of those days, yes. One of those days. I'm sure it has, Jonesy. I'm

sure it has. But the parade has to go on, you know, in spite of the absence of

your suet. Yes, well, it was Mrs. Prosser of the WVS that ordered the

she's making dumplings today, you see, sir.

She doesn't like her boys to go without their dumplings, as you can well

imagine.

Yes, yes, I can indeed. Now, pay attention, everyone.

Pay attention.

Florence Pecton.

Port. Arms.

Yes, you see, that's just hopeless.

At ease, everybody.

As you are, as you are.

Guthrie, the trouble is your hands aren't coming up quick enough to grasp

rifle at the last minute.

See, your left hand, your left hand must whip up quickly and grasp the rifle at

the last possible moment.

It's really perfectly simple.

Try it once again. For inspection.

Port. Arms.

I'm sorry, Sergeant. My left hand was just a little late, and the rifle just

wasn't there.

Yes, I see. It's the noise I can't stand apart from anything else.

God bless you. Pick it up, will you, for heaven's sake, just as quick as you

can.

Try to help him, will you?

No time to lose.

Try once again.

For inspection.

For...

at attention.

It's up to him at the end there to take his finger out. That's enough, Ray.

Same time, Wilson, I do think it is up to you to take some action.

All right, sir. All right.

Gas attack. Gas attack.

On command, fall out.

Put on your gas mask. This isn't the litany, Wilson.

All right, well, just fall out, really, for heaven's sake.

Come on, you'll have to be a lot quicker than that.

Come on, Pike, you're choking to death.

Get that bag open, Walker. Get this on your face with what... What's this?

Whiskey. Whiskey?

Do you realise you could be court -martialed for this?

Well, it's for the sergeant.

Oh, come over here.

Wilson!

Here I am, sir.

What have you got to say about this?

What? Oh, take that damn thing off!

Is this yours?

Yes, sir. Just one bottle. Happens to be mine, sir, yes. Oh, I see.

Who else is in this conspiracy?

Take their names, Sergeant.

It's rather difficult to take their names, sir, when you can't see their

very well.

I never knew anybody like you for finding excuses.

Well, in that case, sir, I suggest that you sound the altar yourself with that

dear little whistle there.

Oh.

Come along and collect this damned stuff.

How much is it, Joe? A pound a time, Jonesy. How do you do, mate? We can save

the cash transaction still after the parade, Jones. Very good, sir. Yes, sir.

It's not for me. It's for my sister, Dolly.

Every time the siren goes, she has a funny little turn. Yes, it's all right,

Godfrey. That's enough. Just get back in your place.

Take their names, Sergeant.

Yes, sir.

It's Jones, Godfrey, Fraser.

It's an army regulation against Scotsmen buying Scots. Yes, there is, as a

matter of fact, Fraser.

Six and forty.

Covers everything. Now get back in the rags.

And you, you... What's this?

Your cigars.

Mannering. I'll take charge of that, Sergeant.

Now, when you hear this, those masks are to go on in a flash.

And they're to stay on until you hear this.

No trouble, officer.

Were you applying for assistance?

Oh, that?

No, that was for the gas.

Gas! No, no, no, it's just a practice. It's a practice.

Practice?

Yes. Can't be too careful these days, can you, sir? No, that's just what I've

been telling my men.

Still, if you are going to do any more whistling, you might just tip me the

wink. Well, I'll try to let you know, officer. If I hear that whistle, I jump

straight to it. You'll have a job in those boots.

Mind if I have a word with that man, sir? Not at all. Please do.

Been looking for you.

I can't talk to you now. I'm on duty.

Ah. In that case, I'll buy them from somewhere else.

Oh, well, hang on a minute.

That'll do.

Face front.

Now, I want you all to practice putting on these respirators in double quick

time, so that if Hitler does bowl this cowardly weapon at us, it'll be a no

-ball. Right.

Take charge of the parade, Corporal. Sure.

Right. Attention!

If Hitler does bowl... it will be a no ball.

What a load of rubbish the man does talk.

If I find any other man using his respirator case for improper purposes,

be in trouble.

Right, sir.

Ah, what's that, sir? It's a rhyme.

Ah, yes.

Here.

What do you think of that?

Yes, I like it, sir. It's rather dinky. Yes.

Suits to be better than the forage cap, don't you think? Yes, it does, sir, it

does. It doesn't make your face quite so sort of round and... sort of moon

-like, you know.

Maybe I should get one myself, sir. Oh, no, you don't.

These are for officers only. I might have guessed.

Besides, I don't think it would suit you.

The jauntiness of the forage cap upsets that worn, craggy face of yours.

The men are getting much more rubber than that gas bill, sir.

Oh, good, good.

Yes, sir. Thank you, sir. And while I'm here, sir, as promised, there's a nice

bit of steak there, sir. Oh, yes, sir.

Thank you very much, corporal. Do you wish to make a personal remark, sir?

That hat.

Yes. I like it. I like it, sir.

Thank you very much, corporal. Yes, sir. Thank you, sir.

Oh, what is it now?

Oh, Captain Manorick. Yes.

Oh, dear.

How do you...

This is Sergeant Wilson, Captain Attenquack.

How do you do?

That's not my name. No, it stands for Assistant Adjutant to Court of Master

General. Oh.

Staff Captain A.

I've brought you some bumps and some new standing orders. Oh, thank you very

much. Good news for you on the establishment side. You can make some

corporal. That'll give you a sergeant, a corporal, and a lance corporal. Oh,

that is good news, isn't it, Wilson? Yes, I suppose it is, sir. Well, of

it is.

On Monday mornings, when Jones is counting his coupons, we've no one to

the burden of command.

Yes, that's true, sir. Yes, quite.

You can make him up as soon as you like. Just pass his name to the adge. He'll

have it this Pippa Muffin.

We don't mess about here when it comes to making decisions.

Good. Well, I'll cut along.

Oh, don't let the old man catch you saluting sitting down.

Drives him right round the bend. Oh, does he, sir? I'll remember that.

A bit of a tickler about the uniform, too.

Shouldn't wear that hat with the battle dress.

Only with a field service uniform.

I haven't got field service uniform.

Well, in that case, don't wear that hat.

Damned red tape. Yes, it's rather a pity, sir, isn't it? But if I may say

sir, that hat does make you look so much more like, you know, an officer.

Yes, well, never mind that now.

We've got these promotions to consider. Ah, yes, another corporal.

Yes, I suppose you could give Jonesy another strike.

Yes, he has the maturity, no doubt about that.

And the experience.

And the gut.

And the meat. And the meat. Well, we have to disregard that sort of thing

make our decisions purely in the interests of the nation. Yes, I

that, sir, but I would like to point out that next week it's my turn for Rump.

Now, I think the best strategy would be to make up another Lance Corporal and

then decide who has the better potential.

The question is, who?

Well, as you know, sir, of course I'm always in favour of the younger man.

Mrs. Pike's son, for instance?

Well, he is younger, isn't he, sir?

I thought you weren't speaking to the Pikes.

I am speaking to them, I'm speaking to them, sir, but for some reason they're

not speaking to me.

Well, what do you expect when you leave Mrs. Pike stranded at the altar?

I did not leave her stranded at the altar, sir. There were plenty of other

people there.

You can't expect me to give the boy a stripe just because you didn't give his

mother a wedding ring. I'm simply saying that young Pike would make a good NCO,

sir. Anyway, he'll be called up any time and we'll be no further forward.

No, we must have someone who'll stay on the strength.

Well, there's always Walker.

Walker? Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no.

He'd have access to the stores.

Before we knew where we were, he'd be flogging the bayonets for carving

Well, he did pinch them for us in the first place. Oh, no, no, no, no, no.

No, we need someone with integrity.

Well, there's always Godfrey. He's as honest as the day is long.

Ah, but could he lead men?

No, not from the front, sir, no. He'd never keep up with it.

Then there's the bladder trouble, of course.

Yes, well, at least we'd always know where to find him, wouldn't we, sir?

That's the man for our money.

Fraser. Oh, no, no, no, sir. Not Fraser. No, no. If there's ever any trouble,

any grumbling, it always comes from him.

Well, might it not be a case of the poacher turned gamekeeper, eh?

He was a jack tar, wasn't he? I believe he was, sir, yes. One thing you can say

about the boys in blue.

They stand fast in the face of the enemy.

Yes, well, there's nowhere to run to on a boat, is there, sir?

I consider myself to be a pretty good judge of character.

No, Fraser's our man. You mark my word. Go get him. Aye, sir.

Fraser? What is it now?

Would you mind coming in here? It's an order, Wilson.

Fraser, get in here on the double.

Fringemental bastard.

What is it you're wanting?

Stand easy, Fraser.

Now, Sergeant Wilson and I have been watching you rather carefully over the

few weeks.

Well, sir, I'm awful sorry, sir, but I saw this damn bull.

I can't see the sense in it.

A smart soldier is a good soldier.

I have heard that before, but bull is so... I didn't invite you here. It's got

spit and polish.

The fact is, the sergeants and I are looking for new NCOs, and if I'm any

of a man, and I think I am, then you have the necessary qualities of

discipline, and reliability.

NCO rank in the Navy, didn't you? Oh, aye, that I did, sir. I was Chief Petty

Officer till I was busted.

Busted? I struck the officer of the watch, sir. Did you?

With a boathook.

Oh, dear.

The crooked end.

Well, I'm sure you had good reason. Oh, aye, I had that, sir. Yes, I'm sure you

had. I was drunk.

Well, anyway, that's all in the past now.

No chance of that happening again, eh, Sergeant? No, sir, no, no, no, not with

boot hook.

Well, I take it you'll accept the strike, Fraser?

Oh, yes, indeed, sir.

Sir, I do like your new hat.

It suits you fine.

Well, thank you very much, Fraser.

Wilson? Sir?

Go get Jones in here, would you? Sir?

Corporal Jones?

Yes.

Now, Jones, I want you to be the first to know that I'm promoting Fraser here

Lance Corporal. Will you speak, sir?

Yes. That's a very good choice, sir.

Now, that means that we've got room on the establishment for a full corporal.

Oh, that's a nice bit of news, sir. That is a nice bit of news.

As commander in the field, I must make sure that we get the right man. The man

with the best fighting potential.

Yes, sir. I am the right man for the job, sir.

I am the man with the fight potential.

And what is more, I would let them have a taste of curled steel, because they

don't like it at them, sir. They do not like it at them!

All right, Jones, now what we're going to do is we're going to pick our full

corporal from our two lance corporals.

Oh, I see.

Sort of competition -like.

In a way, yes.

Well, that's fair, I suppose.

It will be, after you've stopped braving them mistakes.

Fraser!

I can assure you that Jones's activities as a tradesman will in no way influence

our decision.

That's quite right, sir.

I would not like to take an unfair advantage or put a forward conception on

sir. Well, I'll tell you what I'll do, Jock. I will withhold their meat ration

until they've awarded the strap.

I like that fine. And then when they've awarded the strap, they can have their

meat back again.

Or not, as the case may be.

You think old England's dumb.

Pay attention, men.

I want you to bring those chairs and gather around the platform there for a

lecture. Right.

Gather the chairs, gather around the platform, let the captain see.

Come on, look lively there.

Quickly, add the double.

I thought you put a shambles here. Come on.

I'm ready for the lecture, sir. I'm ready for the lecture, sir.

Thank you, corporal.

Back to Cleveland.

Thank you, sir.

Some keen NCOs now, eh, Sergeant? Yes, there are indeed, Sergeant, sir.

Now, I want you to pay particular attention to what I'm about to say. Pay

attention, here. You, Godfrey.

The fact that Hitler hasn't kicked off with his invasion yet does not mean to

say that the Whistler's gone for no side.

it's perfectly possible that he will launch recce parties ashore from

to try to find out the disposition of our forces.

You're right, sir.

The captain's right, you know.

Yes, thank you, Fraser.

Now, this could happen at any time, before the church bells could ring,

we're in our homes or in our shop.

Excuse me, sir.

It's just possible, is it not, that you might be in your bank, sir?

Yes, it is just possible, Fraser. Thank you, sir.

But we are going to be ready for them.

Our watchword must be, they shall not pass.

Beautiful words.

Oh, these are beautiful words.

So, there we are in our homes, probably without our gun, when suddenly a

ruthless Nazi stormtrooper bursts in with a Luger in his hand or a machine

There he stands, facing us. Now, what do we do?

I'll have done it.

That's enough of that.

I've got his name, sir.

He's got your name, Joe. Yeah, I've got his whiskey.

Now, I dare say that you think that this situation is pretty hopeless.

Absolutely hopeless, sir.

Well, it's not.

Not hopeless at all.

All you need is a clear head, nerves of steel, And a quick hand.

And a tank.

That's Walker again, sir.

I'll get his name.

Two men fallen.

Fraser, Fraser, don't get so excited. Get back to your place, Fraser.

I seem to have created some sort of monster. Well, new broom.

Is that it?

No, Walker. In a situation like this, you do not need a tank.

All you need is the gut and the know -how.

Now, I know that you've all got the gut.

And before you leave this hall, I'm going to give you the know -how.

I want two volunteers.

Two keen men.

Now, I want one of you to be the Nazi stormtrooper.

Yes, sir. Thank you, sir. Right.

Stand over there.

Now, Jones, I want you to imagine that you're in your shop this afternoon going

about your normal business.

Yes, sir.

And Fraser.

Mr. Smith, sir. Yes?

I wouldn't have been in my shop this afternoon, sir.

No? Well, let's just imagine that you were, eh? Yes, sir.

Now, Fraser, you come in through the door. See, sir, it's early closing day

today, sir. Yes, let's just ignore that.

For the time being, Jones.

Now, Fraser, you burst through the door and tell him to stick him up.

Handy hock.

What was that?

Handy hock. That's German parley -voo for stick him up. Handy hock.

Oh, I see.

Right, in you come, Fraser.

Handy hock.

Schweinhund Englischer.

Handy hock.

Schnell, schnell.

to do, Jones?

I think I put my hand in his hock, sir.

Very sensible. No point in antagonizing him. No, sir.

Now, the next thing you want to do is to fix him with a stare. Fix him with a

stare. Right, sir. And when you've got his attention, then you can distract

you see.

Big... Oh, gosh. I'll show you.

Now, look straight at me, Fraser.

Sir. Straight in the eye.

be ready.

No, and nor will the boss be.

Now, I want you to take particular note of how I'm holding this chair, you see.

You must lunge with the legs, like so.

Like a lion tamer, sir.

Like a lion tamer, Godfrey, yes.

No point swiping about a bit. No, sir. You must lunge, lunge, lunge.

Sorry, sir, I did not know that you were going to be lunging backwards, sir.

Well, then, there you are.

You can now deal with a nasty stormtrooper with a gun.

One small problem, sir.

Yes, what's that, Jones? I haven't got any chairs in my shop.

Well, I'm sure you can improvise some sort of weapon. You could always get him

to sit on the bacon slicer, Jonesy.

I'll get his name, sir.

Don't be facetious, Walker.

The very real enemy we're dealing with here. Let me take it clean.

No!

He's going to have to go, you know.

They say that power corrupts. Yeah, and absolute power corrupts absolutely.

Oh, does it?

One more volunteer.

Walker. I never said a word. You're volunteering.

Oh, am I?

Jump to it. All right, all right.

Come on, Walker, take the gun from Fraser.

Now, Jones, you're going about your usual business. Yes, sir, I thought if

didn't mind, sir, I would be poking the fire, if that's all right with you, sir.

Poking the fire.

Yes, indeed. Anything you like. Right -o, sir.

In you come, Walker.

Andy Ock.

There's that stair, sir.

That is that.

Aye. That's another bit German.

That is that. German for what is that?

What is what? You're supposed to be looking over there.

Oh, yeah, I forgot all about that. Sorry, let's go again, Jones.

Let's go again.

Fire this afternoon.

Andy Ock.

Pussys dust.

Oh.

I reckon you're dead, Jonesy.

Yes, like I said, sir, I wouldn't have had any chairs in my shop.

Excuse me, sir, isn't it about time some of the men went on guard?

Oh, good heavens, yes.

Fraser. Yes, sir. Call in the guard.

Yes, sir.

Guard.

Jump to it. Add the double. Come on. You'll need to smarten your ideas up a

Right. Chin in. Chest out.

Stomach in.

Guard. Shunt.

Left. Down.

To the parade ground.

Quick march.

Left. Right. Left. Right. Left. Right. Add the double.

One. Two. One. Two. One. Two. Left.

Wilson,

I think we've picked the right one there, Wilson. I quite agree, sir.

certainly picked the right one.

Wilson!

Wilson! Sir?

What the devil's going on here?

Ah, yes, sir. Sir, we see the vicar found two tins of whitewash.

So he and the verger decided to, uh...

lighten their darkness.

Really?

Help me move this stuff.

Well, do you think we should, sir? I mean, it is after all the vicar's desk.

Now, look, this position with the church has got to be clarified.

I mean, all that confusion between the ammunition and the altar candles would

have looked very bad if the balloon had gone out.

Now, shove that over there and we can put it back after the parade.

Of course, sir, yes.

Ah, Corporal Fraser.

This will have to go, you know.

All went well with the guard last night. Aye, indeed, sir.

Here are the charge sheets.

Oh, thank you.

Charge sheets? That's what I said, sir.

Charge sheets.

Private Pike, deserting his post.

Private Godfrey, carded to the face of the enemy.

Private Walker, mutiny.

These are rather serious charges, you know, Fraser.

Aye, I came that fine, sir.

And I hope you make an example of these men.

and treat them with the utmost severity, sir.

I see.

Would you mind leaving us for a moment, corporal? Yes, sir. I'll talk this over

with the sergeant.

I'll have the prisoners and escorts standing by, sir.

Do you think I should get a reliable man to take this thing away, sir? Oh, never

mind about that now. We've got these charge things to deal with. I didn't

we were allowed to charge anybody, sir. No, neither did I. I mean, what can I

punish them with?

We can't give Pike... confined to barracks was shorthanded enough at the

it is. Or maybe you could explain to Pike, sir, that CB really means confined

bank. Oh, don't be absurd.

We can't dock their pay because they don't get any, and what's worse than

these charges in the field are court -martial offences. They carry the death

penalty.

Well, maybe you should give them good talking to, sir.

Come in.

Sir! Ah, Corporal Jones.

I've got a serious complaint, sir. What's that?

That's corporal Fraser's put me on a fizzer, sir.

Here it is, sir. It's on the paper.

You'll have to go through with it, sir. He can't do that, sir. I've seen you to

him, sir.

Corporal Jones, sir, in front of my men, called me a stupid old... What's on

that paper, sir?

You know that I didn't know... All right, all right, that's enough.

Get the rest of those men in here, Fraser.

Right, left, right, left, right. Left wheel.

Left, right, left, right, left, right, left, right, left, right. Halt.

Right turn.

Prisoners ready for trial, sir.

Oh, this is ludicrous. Get rid of that damn plank. But you were the officer.

Come here. Come on, that's it.

Careful,

careful.

Get those escorts out of here. These aren't criminals on the run. Get them

Escorts dismissed.

Now, first things first.

Let's get to the bottom of this.

What happened last night? Pike?

Well, sir.

I was on duty in the slit trench, sir. Then this great big Alsatian dog came up

and started barking at me, sir. I think he was after me aniseed balls.

Anyway,

I went to the guardhouse to get a bone to placate him. That's all I did, sir.

Deserting his post, sir.

Godfrey! Well, sir, Corporal Fraser asked me to go and help Pike.

And I said, I'd rather not, you see.

Because dogs don't like me.

Even little dogs.

I seem to bring out the worst in dogs.

So, I said, if it's all the same to you, I'd rather not.

Sir!

Cowardice in the face of the enemy.

You can hardly call an elf face from the enemy.

A German dog, sir.

Walk up. Well, I told Taffy if he didn't stop being so

regimental, we'd stop his whiskey.

Did you know that, sir?

We'd stop his whiskey. We'd conspire together. That is mutiny.

And Corporal Jones, just now, in front of my men, called me a stupid old...

What's on that sheet, sir? I did not, sir! It's just that he said to me, I

suppose you think I'm a stupid old... What's written on that bit of paper? And

said, yes, I think you are.

I mean, I don't care... Simply because dogs don't like me.

Can I be getting on with the ceiling? I won't disturb you any more than

necessary. Now, look here, Verger.

This is the last straw.

Now, can't you wait for ten minutes? Blast you!

Oh, I'm going to have this out with the vicar.

And if he asks me, you're the silly old... What's on that paper?

Now, listen to me.

I'm going to adjourn this... case until I can find the time to take legal

advice. In the meantime, you're to return to your duties, which are to

yourselves to defend your homes against the nasty assault.

Is that understood?

Yes, sir. Right.

Prisoners! I can give that order. I'm senior to you.

Oh, come on. Get out, the lot of you.

I was once bitten by Pekingese. Oh, get out, all of you!

So is it all behind you?

I'm a patient man, Wilson.

But I think I'm coming to the end of my tether.

This is exasperating, isn't it, sir? Yes.

Hey, you!

Hold my charger!

Mean we're in!

Oh, no, not him again.

Great Scott!

Aha! Gotcha!

First lesson of warfare, never leave your rear exposed.

Remember me?

Square. The name's Square.

Oh, yes, sir. You were with Lawrence of Arabia, weren't you? Colonel Square,

sir. Corporal Colonel Square.

Corporal Colonel?

Of course. Couldn't be Colonel Corporal, could it?

I've been attached by HQ to train you in guerrilla warfare.

Well, there it is. Ours not to reason why.

Well, I must say, it's jolly good to be back in the saddle again.

Oh, we're not going to go through all that disgusting business with the horses

again, are we? Good Lord, no.

You've got to get those old -fashioned notions out of your head once and for

all.

My hat.

Charge seats.

Two 5 -2s. By Jove, that takes me back. I haven't seen one of those since 1919.

Do you know, we once got through 5 ,000 of these in a month.

5 ,000 charge sheets?

Well, why not?

We were stuck in the middle of the desert. There wasn't anything else.

What fools made these up? Aren't they any good, sir? Well, of course they

aren't.

Mutiny is not section 40.

Neither is cowardice.

By Jove, you fellas are all the same.

Playing at soldiers.

Your men on parade?

I think they're in the hall outside, sir. Right. I'll start licking them into

cake. By the look of those.

God, Pete, you could do with a bit of discipline round here.

Oh, by the way, I brought you these.

I seem to remember you're rather partial to them. What's this?

Flies.

All right, men, fall in. Come along. Fall in.

Wilson? Sir?

Things are completely out of hand.

I shall be very glad when this day is over.

I agree, sir.

But if these charge sheets are made out incorrectly, why don't we just drop it?

Forget all about it.

Look, the point is to stop our NGOs making out anymore.

I think you have no need to worry about old Jonesy, sir. Look, we'd better have

a talk with Fraser before anything else happens.

I'll get him in.

You! You! You did this deliberately!

What is it now, Fraser?

That horse riding maniac has put me, me, on a bloody fissure!

Fraser!

Wilson!

Prisoners and escort, left, right, left, right, left,

right, left.

We'll put right on.

What does all this mean?

Slackest rebel I've ever seen in my life, sir. They're all on a charge.

Idle on parade. And what's more, I've charged that Scotch NCO of yours with

insolence. Yes, sir. And what he said was a jolly sight worse than what was

written on that bit of paper. Don't get crazy.

I don't think Fraser will be very long, sir. He's only just gone round the

corner. What are those for?

He's gone to get a boat hook.

And if you want more from Dad's Army, the last episodes, well, don't panic.

Tomorrow at 8 o 'clock, there's the third new and exclusive episode.

And you get to have a sneak peek of it next.

And if you missed last night, make sure to catch up on demand.

Up next tonight, well, it's classic Dad's Army.