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("The Blue Danube Waltz")

- Hey!

- Excuse me, man, but this is my limo.

- This is my limo, I've just hired it.

- I just ordered this fucking limo,

what are you talking about, get out of here.

Oh, I don't know what you're saying, pal.

- Oh, you've got a double chin.

- Oh, who put a stick up your branches, fuck you!

- Would you drop it in the circle, would you go there?

- [American] Oh, come on, bro, do you want to fight me?

- We can settle this like men.

- [American] Come on, froggy, come on, froggy.

- [Frenchman] This is mano a mano!

Oh my god, oh my god. - Fucker.

- [American] Yeah, fuck you, go back to France!

(both men yelling)

- One fucking country! - Fucker.

[Frenchman] Full of shit, I can't believe it.

- Fuck you, go back to France.

- Fuck you again, monsieur, fuck you again.

Fuck you, monsieur! - Oh yeah, I'll see you again!

- Fuck you! - Fuck you!

- Fuckin' frog!

("The Blue Danube Waltz")

- [Minister] Dearly beloved,

we are gathered here today to pay tribute

to a great man, Sy Lerner.

(crow caws)

Sy Lerner was a man of vision and dreams.

Because that's what this business is all about, isn't it?

Vision, and dreams?

- [Frank] Sy Lerner, famous Hollywood producer.

That's me, I'm telling you the story.

Sy Lerner was a man who knew how to live life.

And he lived it well.

That's Rebecca, his wife.

Sy was crazy about her.

- [Minister] In the long run, Sy

was a man who dreamed big dreams.

Sy knew what was important.

He knew that when all is said and done,

when that final curtain falls,

when you get the big fade-out of life.

- [Frank] The minister.

I don't think he really knew Sy.

He acted like he did.

Sy was this, Sy was that, blah blah blah blah.

But he didn't know Sy, I knew Sy.

I loved him.

Look at all the people who came to his funeral to honor him.

Of course, he didn't need a big funeral.

He had his supporters, his fans, the people who loved him.

And, well, he had a lot of secretaries.

Good looking secretaries, blondes, brunettes.

More blondes, big breasted blondes.

A lot of secretaries.

- Could we all bow our heads now,

for a moment of silence for Sy?

(cell phone rings)

- Hey. - No, I'm at the funeral.

- [Agent] Oh, fuck.

- We're having a moment of silence for Sy Lerner.

- [Agent] Forget him, he's dead.

I got a part for you in a new movie.

- What's my billing?

(car alarm goes off)

(car alarm stops)

- May Sy rest in peace.

- [Frank] Sy Lerner was one of the all-time great operators.

And there's no place he operated better

than at the Cannes Film Festival.

That's where I come in.

See, Sy changed my life.

I love that guy, I mean, I owe him everything.

Him and this ad I saw in the trades.

It said "Free trip to Cannes."

I kept it because it's a major turning point in my life.

Oh, here it is.

"Major motion picture company seeks air courier

"to Cannes Film Festival."

It's Cannes, France, the French Riviera.

Am I gonna pass that up?

I'm the guy, so I went.

(dramatic music) Cannes.

It's a beautiful city, let me tell you.

It's a city on the French Riviera.

That's the Croisette.

That's the main boulevard in Cannes.

It's a long strip of land in front of the hotels

where people, they come to see, and to be seen.

People from Mars, if you ask me.

It's got hotels, yachts, and famous

faces, everywhere you look.

You know, this is like, this is the home

of the most famous film festival on earth.

And as you can see, well, I blended right in.

(dramatic music)

See, the center of the film festival

is this place they call the Palais.

That's where they premiere all of the movies.

And people come from all over,

just to stand in line for hours,

to get a glimpse of the famous stars that come here.

They come here to sell movies, premiere movies, buy movies,

and then try and be in more movies!

So there I was, my first time in France.

Of course, I don't speak French.

So every sign is foreign, 'cause it's in French.

And that's foreign, 'cause I don't speak French.

Anyway, I was carrying some promotional

material for this big film company,

and from what I can gather, the movie

was about a dangerous pair of legs.

Yowch.

(horn honks)

Talk about dangerous pair of legs.

Anyway.

Back to business.

I had to hurry up and deliver this promo material,

for this film company.

Most of the film companies, see,

worked out of the big hotel suites.

And they've got some pretty fancy hotels over here, so.

This is where the action is.

I'm a big film buff, all my life.

I finally found an important job

in the film industry, working for one

of the most famous film companies that comes to Cannes.

Where is it, there it is, Troma.

I'm a big fan of Troma movies.

They've made some classics:

Toxic Avenger, Class of Nuke Em High.

Unfortunately, the hotel wouldn't

let me use the elevator, so I had to hump it up the stairs.

- That guy Frank, Rhinoceros, he took a seat

on the airplane, and we had the,

we had him sit next to the big cardboard legs,

of Femme Fontaine, Killer Babe for the CIA.

Everything was fine until this little old lady

beat him up because she thought

Frank was wearing the fishnet stockings and high heels.

Yes, now, with the stickers, look.

When you're at Cannes, you have to put stickers,

you need to put stickers, here.

Do it, just watch me, just watch me!

Hello, Mr. Smith, how you doing?

You know I haven't seen you since

last year, how was the trip over?

See this, a walking billboard.

Thank you, Mr. Smith.

You're supposed to leave them on everything!

Leave them with Kevin Costner.

- Hi, welcome to Tromo, how are you?

What can I do for you?

- I'm the courier from LA.

- And you'd like to speak to Mr. Kaufman, he's right here.

- Ready for you, ask away.

- I just brought you these from LA, I'm the courier.

- Oh, Melphina, why didn't you say so?

Oh, sorry, sorry.

Well, let's take this, we've been waiting for this,

this is great, the Femme Fontaine Killer Babe.

- Excellent. - Display.

- Why don't you put this out in the Carlton hallway,

they love having things in their hallways.

At any rate, how can we help you now?

- I thought maybe I could work here, too,

I could work for you.

- Sure, sure, sure, sure.

Who's got the leaflets, we've gotta get

these leaflets passed out today.

It's very important, see, when you're at Cannes,

one of the ways these smaller companies

advertise is we pass out leaflets.

- I could be a writer, Mr. Kaufman.

- A writer?

- A writer, I could be a writer.

- Well, we write scripts here, sure.

Troma, we've got The Toxic Avenger.

We got Class of Nuke Em High, those are scripts.

Right? - Yeah.

- So have you written things with

meltdowns, maybe, or mutations, or?

- No, I jot down stuff when I'm writing.

And I write in my cab, see, I drive

a cab back home and I used to work at a video store.

And I've seen some of your movies, I thought maybe.

- Well, I think it's very good, but the main thing is,

you've got to have some commercial elements.

You have to put in, for example,

with Maniac Nurses Buy Ecstasy, there's a gun.

As soon as the gun comes on, people watch.

Those are like scripts.

- Oh, okay, all right, I'll go do this.

- Great, great, thanks.

Also, if you can hit the men's rooms with those.

You know, just one sticker per urinal.

Aside from being the courier, Frank Rhinoslurpy

plastered leaflets all over the cars

parked on the Croisette, advertising the Troma movies.

He wasn't just good, he was very good.

(upbeat music)

- [Frank] So I finished handing out

all of the flyers, and decided

to check out the festival, finally.

It seemed like the entire movie industry was on hand.

Look at all of these people!

Ooh, ooh, Dennis Hopper!

I couldn't believe it, I was this close to Dennis Hopper.

It doesn't get any better than this.

There I was, at the bottom of the steps,

in front of the famous Palais,

where they were having a world premiere in Cannes.

- It's "can," not "cahn," it's "can."

Should be "cahn" if you know what goes on there.

But it's "can."

- The reputation that Cannes has for sunshine,

and parties, and premieres, and outrageous

actresses doing things they shouldn't do on the Canto beach.

- Gigantic, colossal, waste of time,

yes I have been, 20 years in a row.

- [Interviewer] So why do you go?

- Gotta go to the prom, you want to be

in the loop, you rent the tux, you go to the prom.

- Anyway, let me recap for you here.

There I am, in Cannes, I figured,

what the hell, I might as well stay for a while.

- Um, like how much is a room?

- Have you made a booking?

Well, there's nothing, nothing for you, sir.

- No room?

- No room at all, and you know it's quite

difficult to find a room in Cannes.

All hotels are full.

Perhaps you can sleep on the street,

at the runaway station, but there is no room left in Cannes.

(man speaks in French)

- [Frank] Yeah, bye.

Ah, there's nothing like sleeping on the beach at night.

Except maybe, waking up on the beach in the morning.

Well, if I was gonna stick around

much longer, I decided, I'd better figure out

a way to make some easy money.

(man laughing)

So I played a little Bocce with some

of these old guys, from France.

(men clap)

Chyeah, right. (men laughing)

They took me for every last dime I had.

Hey, but little did I know that a fortune

was waiting around the corner for me.

No, really, I was just about

to meet the man, Sy Lerner.

- Thanks, Sy.

- Open up the cages, let the animals out!

Let the feeding frenzy begin, to the festival.

- [Frank] Sy Lerner was this big movie producer,

I was a big fan of his, you know.

When I first met him, I said, "Wow, Sy Lerner."

He does movies with like car explosions,

a lot of car chases, a lot of guns, action.

Some good movies that I can relate to.

- I knew Sy.

Great taste in women, no taste otherwise.

The guy lent new meaning to the phrase,

"arrogance without portfolio."

He was a regular PT Barnum.

Every year a huge suite at the Du Cap,

always on someone else's tab.

Some poor schmuck-y producer got duped into it,

and the guy had a ball.

- Hey, how are you?

Pompous asshole.

I'm tired of this shit, I gave that jerk his first job.

- So what else is new?

You did that to 60 guys around here,

and none of them talk to you anymore.

- Jim that's not the point, it's just that

I'm tired of all of the lying and the bullshit.

Hey, you remember, you could look

a guy in the eye and say, "Yeah,

"I wanna do your picture, it's a deal."

Shake hands, that was it.

Now, for Christ's sake, you got,

agents don't even make a deal.

You've got to know the lawyer, the accountant,

how much he's gonna get in how many years.

- [Jim] You're so full of shit.

- But shit is what this is all about.

But I was the king of shit, and I used

to be in publicity, I was the hype king.

I could make anything work.

- Yeah, so what have you done lately, Midas?

- You know what?

I'll make you a bet.

I'll bet you that I can take,

and this is what I'll bet you.

I'll bet you my expenses, for me and my secretary,

you and yours, the whole festival.

That I could take any schmuck,

and make him the flavor of the week.

- Any schmuck? - Yeah, anyone.

- And you pick him. - I get to choose him?

- Right, you choose the guy.

- How 'bout this guy over here?

- Wow, you son of a bitch.

All right, it's... - It's a bet.

It's a bet.

Hey, kid!

Kid, come here, let me talk to you.

Thanks, Jim. (Jim laughs)

Sit down, kid.

(Jim laughs) For Christ's sake.

You all right? - I'm good.

Sorry. - Sy Lerner.

- You heard of me?

- I've seen all of your movies.

- Really? - Yeah.

- You like them?

- Yeah, I did.

- So what do you do, kid?

- Well, I drive a cab, I used to work at Downtown Video.

- What do you want to do?

- Well, see, I could be a writer,

'cause, see, I, uh, I jot down

stuff when I'm driving the cab, you know.

- You know, I was really starting to worry

about how I was gonna afford Cannes this year. (laughs)

- Son of a bitch, come on, kid,

let's take a walk, let's talk.

- [Frank] I was really excited to finally

meet a big producer like Sy Lerner.

Sy took me by the arm, and he said

that he wanted to prove something to this town,

that it could be done, and he wanted

me to be the guy to prove it.

- First, take those things off, the glasses.

Remember, the less you say, the better.

Creates an air of mystery, gives you an intellectual aura.

You go to a party, or anywhere, you meet someone,

pay them a compliment, right away.

And listen to them talk about themselves.

Makes you look like a genius.

Always have a purpose when you're walking.

Gives you some authority.

Look at a few people, you wave hi,

as they go by, so long, see you later.

(laughs) That's it, bye-bye.

It's like you're going somewhere, you're doing something.

If you're stopped, you're looking for work.

And this whole joint, they're looking for work.

Everybody's telling everybody, don't buy

nothing if you ain't got nothing.

Can't pay for nothing, but you got me, kid.

I'm gonna make you something, you're gonna be somebody.

What's your name? - Frank Rhinoslavsky.

God, forget that name, Frank, Frank, Frank Rhino.

I like that, it's strong, it's got a bull horn on it.

That's good, it's a Hemingway like character.

And for a writer, which is what you are now,

we need a name for a script, I'm usually good at this.

Frank Rhino, Frank Rhino, Frank Rhino,

Cannes Man, Cannes Man, that's you, that's your script.

Cannes Man.

Do you drink? - Huh?

Do you drink?

- Well, I'm thirsty.

- I mean, you have to have a drink that you like.

- [Randal] I saw Sy, when Grease was playing in Westwood.

He asked me to come and have dinner with him,

about directing a movie, and I told him,

my parents were in town, and he said,

"Well, bring them along."

So we went to the Hamburger Hamlet,

and he was pitching this movie,

this thriller that was supposed

to shoot in Acapulco with Farrah Fawcett.

He was, my parents were very impressed

to be with this big producer, but then,

when the check came, he went to the bathroom,

and my dad had to pick it up.

("La Marseillaise")

(clowns playing kazoos along to "La Marseillaise")

- Sy. - What?

- I saw the greatest movie today, we've got to go see it,

I think they've got a screen at two o'clock.

- Well, I don't think I'm gonna be able to see it,

because what I did today is, I had that

little lunch meeting with Jim Stark.

And I met this very talented young writer, I think.

So I went out there and rented us a villa,

on the hill, behind the Carlton,

and we're gonna move in for 10 days,

and the kid's coming with us.

And, I need you to take him shopping.

'Cause he came over here as a courier

with nothing but a backpack on.

He's gonna need some clothes, all right?

(upbeat music)

- [Frank] Next thing I know, ba-boom,

she's taking me into clothing stores,

and dressing me like Joe Hollywood.

I mean, I thought I looked pretty snazzy by myself.

She was dressing me like, well,

like a queen, I mean, a king.

(upbeat music)

- [Hairstylist] Voila!

(upbeat music)

- Oh, I've got to go.

Hey, Sy Lerner, how are you, pal?

- I'm great, good to see you.

- How's Becky?

- She's fine, we're separated, but hey.

- [Reporter] Oh, I'm sorry.

- That's all right, I didn't come here to chit-chat.

I came here to give you the inside story, on a hot scoop.

- What's the scoop, what's the scoop?

- Frank Rhino.

- Who?

- I almost got you, didn't I, there, come on.

Like you don't know who Frank Rhino is.

The hottest writer to hit Hollywood in years?

The next Hemingway, come on.

- Oh, yeah, you know what, I remember him now.

Yeah, okay, I remember him.

- Yeah, yeah, now he remembers him, folks.

Only the hottest guy to hit here,

everybody's trying to get him.

(upbeat music)

(secretary groans)

(upbeat music)

- [Frank] Hey, Sy!

Look.

Huh, huh?

- Okay, not bad.

- Cool, huh? - Yeah.

- That looks real hep, smile kid.

Frank. - Yeah?

When you meet someone, give them a firm handshake.

Look them in the eye, listen to them,

let them do the talking, they love to hear themselves.

They ask anything about the script,

or the production, "Sy's handling it," "see Sy," okay?

And stand up straight, please, you're slouching.

Try to stand with your head up,

have your chin pointed forward,

like you've got a purpose, you're going somewhere.

"Hey, I gotta get over there," try that.

"Hey, I gotta get over there."

- Hey, I gotta get over there, I gotta go to the bathroom.

- That's good, be sure and flush it. (laughs)

- [Robert] You know, about 10 years ago,

I was in Cannes, I came down there

to announce the opening of The Cotton Club.

I had Sly Stallone signed for it,

I had a breakfast set up with 400

of the top studios around the world.

And I exhibited it at the Rocket,

you know, the Rocket Club.

And seven hours before I was gonna

go down to announce Sly Stallone,

Sly calls me and tells me he doesn't want to do the picture.

So I don't have a script, I don't

have anybody to announce, but I have a poster.

Huge poster, must have been 18 by 12 feet.

On the poster, it said, "The Cotton Club:

"its music startled the nation,

"its violence startled the world.

"Produced and directed by Robert Evans,"

who hadn't directed anything before.

And I raised eight million dollars,

in less than one hour, the most money

ever raised in the history of the Cannes Film Festival.

Without a script, without a star,

with a poster, and bullshit.

(upbeat music)

- George?

- Yeah, Frank, here.

- How are you doing? - Come here, give me a hug.

(men chattering)

- Frank Rhino, George Wright.

- Frank, how are you? - Good to meet you.

- He wrote Cannes Man. - Cannes Man?

- It's the hottest script, the studios are bidding.

- How you doing?

It's your first script?

Give me a call.

- I've heard a lot about you.

- This is the guy, Frank Rhino.

Frank. - Yeah.

James Brolin, Frank Rhino.

- Frank wrote the hottest script, everybody wants it.

- Cannes Man?

Hey, man. - Frank, how you doing?

- It's Cannes Man. - Cannes Man?

- It's a comedy, isn't it? - Uh, it could be.

- I got a great script I'd like you to read.

- Yes, what is it?

- It's called Cannes Man, by Frank Rhino.

- Frank Rhino, why haven't I heard of him?

- He's the hottest thing that's come

out of this festival in 10 years.

Hollywood's after him, all the studios want him.

And there's a great part in for you.

- Yes, I heard of this.

- It's a Hemingway-type part,

and it's, it's the best script I've read in 10 years.

- Sy Lerner? (laughs)

That's like saying film, you know.

I mean, you can't go to a film festival,

without Sy Lerner being there.

I had already heard about the script,

which was amazing, I guess it was

absolutely brilliant, in terms of structure,

dialogue, full-blown characters, the whole thing.

And I said, "Sign me up," he had gotten

Malkovich involved with it.

He even got one of the Beatles to write the music.

Well, okay, it wasn't one of the Beatles,

but it was Julian Lennon, yeah.

Which is pretty close, if you think about it.

- We want you on.

- What are your specifications?

- We're gonna start production in July.

We'll be done, we'll be ready for music in November.

I will work to your schedule.

- Okay, doesn't sound too bad.

Why don't you give me a call next week at the office,

and we'll talk about it? - I'll do it.

- Do you have a script?

- I have a script, you're here at the Martinez until when?

- I'll be here until Friday.

- Until Friday.

It's being read now by Paramount,

but, I'll get a copy of it for you,

and I'll give it to you before we go.

- Where is it set up?

- Well, we haven't set it, yet,

it's either gonna go to Paramount, or.

They all want it, to tell you the truth,

I'm gonna take the best deal I can get.

- Is the writer here with you?

- Frank Rhino is here, if you'd like to meet him.

- I'd love to.

- I'll call you, I'll bring him by.

- You know, bless his heart, he's consistently

one of the men who has the most high air

that I've ever experienced in my life.

It's really remarkable, it's an art form, actually.

You know, do you know what I'm talking about?

- Sy, who wrote?

- A guy named Frank Rhino, that's him right there.

Frank Rhino, the new Faulkner,

Hemingway, this guy has strength.

- How do you say "tits" in French?

- Do you mean the whole thing, or the little thing?

- Like the whole thing.

- The whole thing, is (speaks French).

The little one is (speaks French).

- (speaks French) - Nice word.

- You can be up there, "Nino Cerrute, presente."

- Nice. - Cannes Man, by Frank Rhino.

- It's difficult to just say 100% yes, or 100% no, huh?

- He asked us to write a picture for him,

we wrote a picture for him once, called Walk the Dog.

He convinced us to do it by saying

he had Benji wrapped up, locked up.

Picture didn't make a dime, you know.

There were people on airplanes

trying to walk out on this picture.

- [Nat] Ba da boom! (laughs)

- [Michael] But it started our career!

Sy started everybody's career.

The man could talk, I mean, no matter what,

pardon my French, piece of shit,

this guy was working on, he made a million bucks.

- So what's up, what are you doing here?

- You haven't heard about it, Cannes Man?

- Oh, is that? - Come on.

- Ah, oh, and you didn't call me?

You know what fun it is to invest in movies.

Make a fortune.

- No, I think this is a little high for you.

Between 20 and 25 million. - You know you owe me one.

I owe you?

You made money, I made money, that's what it's about, right?

- Then I'll do it.

- You'll do it, 20, 25 million?

- Partners, for this.

- I want to invest for friends.

- And I'll take the rest of the world.

- I said, absolutely, absolutely, I'm there.

Here's 20%, 600 grand, cheers.

You know, the guy just tells me it, and I say, "Yes."

Thank god I had heard a little bit of the buzz,

'cause that just reaffirmed my instincts,

to go with Sy, you know what I'm saying?

- It gets sold, I'll call you.

- And the director, do you have a director?

- I don't have a director.

You're not interested in directing?

- I don't know, I might have to read it.

- All he needed now was a great director.

Somebody who could pull this film together.

You know, like a name, Dennis Hopper, for example.

- I got a great script.

- I know you got a great script, what are you?

(woman laughs)

You want to tell me, go ahead.

- I have a great script.

- I already know that, it's called Cannes Man.

Come on, everybody's talking about it.

- [Sy] This is the picture for you to direct.

- I've seen all your movies, this is so cool.

You'd be perfect to direct this.

Tell him, Sy, come on.

- I'll buy you dinner. - Hey, listen.

- What? (Dennis and Sy laugh)

- It's good to see you, it's good to see you.

Have a good one, have a good one, guys, take care.

- [Woman] Nice to see you.

- [Frank] I was hanging on for dear life.

We met these guys who made this movie, The Usual Suspects.

The producer, the director, the actors.

I really didn't know what to say, I was nervous.

So I just ate. - Frank Rhino.

- Kevin Pollak.

This kid's the hottest in town.

The hottest new studios are trying to get rights.

- Is that right?

- He's a good writer.

- What kind of hype is it?

- The best.

- Studio? - They want him at Universal.

- Studio?

- What is it about?

- It's an action thriller with a romance to it.

- Sy, Sy, is there a part for me?

- Benicio, for you?

This is what you've been wanting.

It's a male lead, it's a character thing,

and you don't have to kiss a girl.

- That's great. - That would be perfect.

- That would be great, that would be great.

- All you need now is your director.

What about you? - Have you seen his film?

No, I want to see it.

- It's a picture at the festival, The Usual Suspects, yeah.

- Are you free after this, maybe during your DGA?

- I can be, yeah, I'm fine. - Fish, fish!

- What is it, a fish out of water?

Is that what he said? - A fish out of water?

- The DGA.

- [Sy] Very esoteric, you've got to understand this guy.

- No, no, but... - Fish out of water.

- What does fish mean to you, brains.

- Like an underdog. - Fish is like brains, right?

- About an underdog. - Very intelligent.

- No, well, to me, it's something swimming,

like somebody's swimming in sort of a sea.

- [Sy] Like Rocky, right?

- A journey. - The way we are.

- [Kevin] Like swimming upstream.

- [Benicio] Just like that, like Rocky.

(club music)

- So you're the famous Frank Rhino?

Ronnie Mills, Warner Brothers.

Good to meet you, here's my card.

I hear Cannes Man is an incredible script.

We have to have it.

Look, we're willing to outbid everyone,

if it's as good as they say.

I'd like to meet with you, I'd like to see the script,

we'll talk money.

- Great shoes, what are you drinking?

- It's rum and orange juice.

- Let me get you another one, all right?

- But I'd like to talk to you, if we could set up a meeting.

- I'd like to talk to you, too,

and I'll be right back with that drink.

(club music)

(cars honking)

- [Frank] In just a couple days,

yours truly, a cab driver from Los Angeles,

has become the toast of the world's most famous film fest.

What did I do?

I smiled a lot.

- But do you know what I like,

is the little meetings, where you say,

"Let's meet for a meeting," and all

they ever want to do is be seen having a drink.

- I know. (laughs) - And nothing ever happens.

- You say, "Oh, call me," and there's a stack of cards.

Which will never get... - Never use, never call them.

- Never, wait a minute, is that, that's Frank Rhino?

- Yeah, that's Frank Rhino, I had a meeting with him.

He was going to post me a part.

- You had a meeting with him?

[Jon] Frank, Frank, come here.

How you doing, how you doing?

It's Jon Cryer, I think we met.

- [Charley] Yeah, don't forget the part.

- I met him, I can't believe.

So, you said you talked with him?

- Yeah, I talked with him, and he promised me a part.

I don't know, this is this big writer.

- You talked to him already?

- Yeah, I'm not sure where he's coming from, because...

- Okay, I met him, I can't believe.

You know him, you've talked with him?

- Of course, I've mentioned you, of course.

- You don't point me out, that's beautiful.

- I'll arrange a meeting.

- [Interviewer] How long were you with Sy?

- We were married five and a half years.

- [Interviewer] How did you meet Sy?

- I met him at a bar. (laughs)

You don't usually meet your husband at a bar,

but we met at a bar.

Sy, um.

He's a great man, you know?

He's tough, and he's vulnerable.

He's loving, and um.

Honest, and loyal.

To everybody. (laughs)

All those girls, he was loyal to, I don't know.

I mean, you know, if he did it,

as much as people said he did it, he'd be in a wheelchair.

- [Sy] Chris, come here.

You were gonna walk away, what,

are you gonna hide from me?

How are you?

- My kid ran off, and...

- So you got a film here, right?

- Yeah, I gotta go.

- Are you gonna get that SAG?

- Yeah, right, sure.

- That's what I heard, I wouldn't lie to you.

- Yeah, sure. - You deserve it.

- Yeah, I know, but I'm not gonna get it.

It's good to see you. - Good to see you too.

And don't try to kiss my ass, because I know you took

my ex-girlfriend out to dinner, so fu,

but I don't care, I don't care.

It's all right, Sy, I'm not pissed off about. (laughs)

It's all right, really.

- Hey, I took her to a nice dinner.

- Good, I hope she enjoyed it.

It's like Sean said to Warren Beatty, "How's my dick taste?"

Take it easy, Sy.

- You son of a bitch.

How could you do that?

- Oh, Sy.

He always had this realm of secretaries

around him who never took a note,

never answered a phone, he was incredible.

Guy is not what you'd call a looker,

if you know what I mean, but he had

an office at the bus station, we think.

First thing a girl would see when she'd

get off the bus, come to LA to be an actress,

is this sign that said, "Welcome to LA,"

and Sy Lerner, saying, "Hey, wanna be in my next movie?"

The man had to have his name legally

changed to Restraining Order to make the paperwork easier.

- I'm Leslie, and this is Sy, say hello!

Say hi, oh, isn't she cute? (laughs)

Yeah, I went to Cannes with Sy,

and I was supposed to be a secretary,

but I never took any notes.

Instead, I was given the detail

of walking this little thing.

And now she's all I have of Sy.

Yes, she's so cute.

He was a good man.

He had such a good heart.

- [Interviewer] How'd you meet Sy?

- I was working at the Hot Dog on a Stick stand.

And you know how we make the lemonade,

we straddle that thing.

He just saw me and he knew there

was like more I could be doing.

- I met Sy last year on the beach, in Cannes.

We were doing a bikini contest,

and he said that I looked incredible in red.

So he bought me all these pumps in red,

all different colors, I mean, shades of red.

You know, 'cause I'm better in the blue-ish reds.

- I was rollerblading, in Miami Beach, and

I fell on my butt in front of this beautiful restaurant.

And this wonderful man walks out.

And he's a producer, Sy Lerner.

- When he saw me, he saw more than most people,

and he always says, I was complex.

Like on the verge of thought. (laughs)

And vapid, too.

That's good, isn't it? (laughs)

- Well, I didn't know he was gonna be in Cannes.

So from the initial point where I saw him,

it was a little shocking, and a little disturbing,

because I sort of was at a place in my life

where I wanted to move on, and move away.

And boom there he is right down in the middle of party city.

I didn't know he was gonna be there,

so that was kind of a big surprise.

And it was a really big pain in the ass,

because I really went down there

to kind of enjoy myself.

- [Sy] Becca?

(Rebecca groans)

- Hi. - I didn't know you were here.

- Yeah I'm here, I'm working, and I'm late, I'm really late.

- I have to see you.

- I can't talk to you, you're gonna drive me crazy.

I'm here and I'm doing a job.

I have to keep my brain together.

- Honey, that's what I want to you about.

I'm driving myself crazy, I've got things to tell you.

I've changed, I will change. - Jesus.

Please, let me see you. - Call me.

- Okay, call me. - Where are you?

- At the Martinez.

Okay, I gotta go, I'm in a hurry.

- [Sy] This afternoon, I'll call.

- Okay. - I love you.

(Rebecca scoffs)

- [Sy] I mean that!

Only you, that's all.

That's all.

- [Jeffrey] I got a great Sy Lerner joke for you.

Two writers are sitting around, having lunch.

One writer says, "I'm finally getting a film made."

The other guy goes, "That's great, you've been

"trying for years, who's directing it?"

And he says, "Spielberg," he's like, "Steven Spielberg?"

He says, "No, no, Eddie Spielberg, it's a different guy."

So he says, "Well, that's wonderful, who's in it?"

He says, "Di Niro," he says, "Robert Di Niro?"

He says, "No, Alicia Di Niro, no relation.

"But she's got the moles in the right place."

He says, "That's good, and who's producing?"

He says, "Lerner," "Sy Lerner?"

He says, "Yeah, that's the guy."

- Frank Rhino, who's that?

- Probably the next Hemingway.

This kid writes with a sense of masculinity

that you haven't seen in a script yet.

I don't mean macho grease me up Stallone bullshit,

where they slide you through the film.

This kid, has character, deep.

- [Frank] (speaking French) (laughs)

I love France.

- You're here, you're in Cannes,

take my assistant, take the Ferrari,

go shopping on the company.

You don't have to see anybody else.

I want to do this, I want to do this film.

- I love it, you're unique, you're rare.

You're the only man here that has the balls

to say, "Yeah, it's a deal."

Give me your hand.

- Sy had this amazing gift, to get a yes from anybody.

- Since Hand Gun, and this picture.

I've seen you come alive as an actor again.

You were dying on TV, I'm glad you got out of it.

(Treat laughs)

It's true, you know, who knows.

You got some money, you can be comfortable now.

But I've got the part for you.

Cannes Man, written by Frank Rhino.

- Sorry, sorry, are you gonna pitch something to me now?

- I'm gonna tell you, Malkovich, he wants to do it.

Malkovich is signed to do it, Hopper is signed to do it.

Not to act, though, thank god.

I think I'm gonna let him direct it.

Treat. - Could I just read it?

I love you more than any actor I know.

I wouldn't offer this part to anybody else.

I don't give a shit who wants it.

- I will read the script, Sy, okay?

- If Brando got skinny, I wouldn't give it to him.

This is your part. - I'll read the script, okay?

- [Treat] Could I just read it,

I'll read the script, is it written?

- It's written. - Could I?

- You want to meet the guy, Frank...

- Could I read it? - You can read it.

- Frank Rhino is the hottest male writer

since Hemingway, speaking of Faulkner.

- Hey. - Say hello, Frank Rhino.

- Wait, this is. - How are you?

- Treat Williams. - I know.

- The Denver thing, What Do

You Do in Denver When You're Dead?

- What? - What exactly can you?

- That's okay, Frank, he saw the picture,

he really liked it, he used to work at a video store.

So he knows performances, you're just what he likes.

- And you wrote this thing, the, the?

- [Frank] Yeah, I did, I wrote this thing.

Whatever he said to you.

- He grew up on a farm until he came to Cannes.

- [Treat] Where did you study, where did you go to college?

- Study, I, yeah. (laughs)

Sy, tell him.

- [Sy] He studied with his father.

His father was a cowboy, his father.

You've heard of Cowboy Poetry?

He was one of the leading authors.

His father sold his last herd,

bought a farm in Utah, and started to grow.

Things that are organic and good for you.

Like tomato ripening to a bright red.

The corn growing into a yellow orange of the sunset.

- [Treat] What's that got to do with?

- Because he wrote about things

that you read. - That's not Cowboy Poetry.

- What the hell are you? - It's farm poetry.

- Look, Sy, I'll come to the reading,

and I'll read it, but I can't...

- [Sy] I'm not gonna ask, a deal is a deal.

- Okay, I'm. (laughs)

The deal is that I will read, at the reading.

- You're on, you're in. - Okay.

- [Sy] I'll take your word for it, cool.

- Hemingway and Faulker, huh?

- Yeah. - Wow.

- He'd actually forget the lies he told you,

and forget the truths he told you,

so you never kind of, but he was

kind of shameless about that, that was

one of his, again, one of his propelling elements.

- "I'm gonna give you your own trailer,

"I'm going to give you your own gym,

"and your own personal caterer."

And it was great, you know, none of this stuff

mattered to me, it was really more for the money,

and for the craft, of course. (laughs)

- So, anyway, when we went to Cannes.

You know, he was, he was shopping this around.

And I was part of it.

(Nancy laughs) I was attached.

That's what sold me, I was attached.

What?

- He was attached to the luggage.

You were carrying his luggage,

that's how you were talking to him.

- Well, he had a back problem.

He couldn't carry his own luggage, I mean, come on.

- So I go, and I show up the first day.

This trailer was apparently

Michael Jackson's chimpanzee had a trailer.

And that was this trailer, so everything

was scaled down, I mean, there was

a microwave about two feet off the ground.

- We had given the guy an advance to make a movie.

He finally got us to do one.

So we come to Cannes to see the first part of it.

Turns out, he used the entire money we gave him,

not to make a movie, but to make a bunch

of new posters to sell other people

new movies and to keep doing it.

So we catch him at this, and we yell

at him for 15, 20 minutes, we threaten

to put him into bankruptcy.

Finally, he just sits there, placidly,

and says to us, "You want to see the posters?"

And they were so good, we bought another movie.

Claimed to get Treat Williams, Lara Flynn Boyle,

Frank Whaley, Johnny Depp.

Those guys aren't idiots, but we thought,

what the hell, gave him some more money.

- [Frank] So we decided to hold this press conference

with the actors that agreed to do the film.

Peter Gallagher, Frank Whaley,

and Lara Flynn Boyle.

She was giving me the eye, let me tell you.

- [Peter] It's actually very exciting.

So this is, we see this as another step in

this auteur-driven festival,

it's great to be working with Dean.

- Frank Rhino.

When I met, I'd like to say, when I met Frank.

(clears throat) The other night,

he said to me, he said to me,

he said, "Frank, this project is important.

"It's an important project."

And I said, "Frank, whatever you put

"your stamp on is an important project."

And I went home, and I cried.

- [Sy] Don't worry, guys, I'll buy you anything you want.

It's a 25 million dollar project, first class all the way.

- [Lara] It's the same.

- Your own makeup people.

I know you each have a different one.

- [Lara] So it's easy, I don't have to do that.

- [Frank Whaley] The character

that Frank has written for me.

Is incredible, I haven't actually

read it yet, but what I, what I know,

is that Mr. Rhino has...

- "Rheeno?" - It's Rhino.

- [Sy] That's all right, he plays

the isolationist, that leaves Utah,

and works his way down to Texas.

- [Frank Whaley] Sy, Sy?

- [Sy] Oh, go ahead.

- It's a character. (laughs)

That I think will take my career to the next level.

- [Frank] Because I wrote it for him.

This is gonna be his character, right Frank?

- I thought I was playing the isolationist.

- No, no, you play the husband,

and that's your wife, and when he

comes in, and...

- So I'm the bad husband right?

- Sy, this is gonna be really wonderful.

These people have agreed to do this,

and Sy over here has agreed to let them do this.

And I've agreed to let them do this,

and we're gonna do this.

And Lara, we're gonna do this.

- It's funny, when Frank speaks.

It's poetry, and that translates onto the page.

- [Nat] There he was in Cannes,

with Peter Gallagher, Frank Whaley,

and Lara Flynn Boyle, no script.

This was a 25 million dollar flick,

so, you know, you need some heavyweights.

So Sy goes to talk to Harvey Weinstein.

- [Harvey] Lara would see him

hanging out on 48th street, and he said

Brando would play this scene from him,

where he nearly dies.

- [Nat] Harvey says to him, if you can't

get me your skinny Brando, can you get me Johnny Depp?

Now, Sy believed in his BS so much,

he actually promised to deliver him.

He would be damned if he didn't.

(Johnny and Jim chanting)

- [Sy] Hi, fellas, how you doing?

No, it's okay, you don't understand.

They're expecting me, Sy Lerner.

Johnny Depp, Jim Jarmusch, they're

old friends of mine, we're going to discuss...

I'd like to, do you speak English?

They're expecting me.

- What? - Sy Lerner.

- Oh, Jesus. - Sy Lerner.

- Remember, we... - Yeah, for a minute.

- It's fine, sure, no, it's fine, for a second.

- [Sy] How you doing, huh?

- Sy Lerner, it's gonna, we're busy.

- [Jim] We're trying to meditate here.

- [Sy] Oh, okay.

- Here's to meditation. - Meditation.

- Meditation. - What's that?

- It's something, well I understand meditation a little bit.

- [Jim] The spirit of nature.

- I can kiss the earth, what you came from.

Well, I need you. - Huh?

I've got a film called Cannes Man.

I know you've heard of it,

it's the hottest script at Cannes.

And the only one I've ever envisioned

for the lead is you. - Okay.

I've got Malkovich set, Hopper set,

I've got Johan Schotte set.

It's a great cast, I mean,

I would love you to do this film.

It's a 25 million dollar film.

- [Jim] Sy, we're trying to meditate.

- How much? - 25 million.

- [Sy] I mean, whatever you want.

- We find this disruptive of our spiritual.

- [Sy] Jim, I'm sorry.

- You know, we're on another level now.

We're on a spiritual level.

- [Sy] This is a very spiritual film.

This is a film written by a poet,

whose father was a poet, one of the

great American Cowboy Poets.

And, in fact, this is the kind of film

that you would be perfect to direct.

I don't know if you can handle

a budget that big, 25 million.

'Cause you're not used to working with that.

- [Jim] I could handle any budget, to 100 million.

But I'm on a level above the earth right now.

I'm interested in a spiritual setting.

- We're floating, right now, we're floating.

Jim and I are above you. - Well, sure.

- I would love you to direct,

I don't want a commercial Hollywood director.

I've done enough of that at Paramount and Warner Brothers.

I'd like someone that has the spirituality

that you do. - Who, Jim?

And certainly, the two of you together.

Yes, you would work with him again in a minute, I know.

- Yeah, I would, but I mean...

- I know it's up to Jim?

- No, but I mean, Jim, I love you.

But I'd like to direct, if I could, you know?

- I'm sure you could direct,

I'm sure you'd be a damn good director.

I hadn't thought, you want to direct and act, too?

I mean, you could do it, there are few people.

- Why not? - Why not?

- [Johnny] What are you saying?

- I thought he was offering me the directing job.

I'm a little confused. - No, sure, fine, fine.

I know you're a director, too, and all that.

- No, no, no, I'm not yet, really.

Why not, what are you saying?

Why not, you know?

- Are you offering me anything, here,

or are you just here to talk to Johnny Depp?

- [Johnny] No, wait, wait, wait, wait.

You're a director, you're a filmmaker, that's great.

We could work together, that's fine.

- [Sy] But it's the individuals you guys are.

It's the two of you, I see you interchanging as one.

But let's talk about negotiations.

You both will do it, I'm happy about that.

You can co-direct it, you can co-act in it.

- Let's talk points here. - All right, points.

- I'm ready. - All right, what do you want?

- I'll tell you what I got.

- Just the world, you know, and domestic.

I mean, the world, and domestic.

- [Sy] No, you guys are in for the world.

You get everything.

- We want remakes and sequels,

and I want ancillary for North America.

- [Frank] Sy, are you gonna introduce me, man?

- Frank, Frank Rhino, the poet that wrote this.

Frank. - Hello.

- I wanted to meet them, too, hold on a second.

- [Sy] All right, so 10%.

- Can I come in? - Come in, come in, sit down.

- You told me to invade your space.

Should I sit down? - Yeah, sit down.

- Hey. - We're just negotiating.

- Do you smoke? - No.

- You don't smoke? - No.

- That's a bit of a problem. - That's spiritual of you.

- Would you put these on, here, put these on.

- You have to have something to meditate to,

the cherry is good.

10%, five for each. - Sy, fuck no.

- Nice to meet you.

- It's all I've got.

It's the best that I can offer, it's what's left.

I've got to be fair to Malkovich,

I've got to be fair to Hopper.

- [Jim] Five means what, first money, gross?

- Gross. - We're talking gross?

- First dollar.

- [Jim] And you'll give me remake, and sequel,

and ancillary, for North America?

- [Sy] In conjunction, with Johnny and myself.

- You're touching me.

You're in my space. - Oh, man, I'm sorry.

Jim and I are above...

- [Jim] Johnny, what do you think?

He'll give us five points each,

gross, first dollar, and he'll give us North America,

sequel, remake, and ancillary.

Am I right?

- Yes, absolutely, the deal is done.

- [Johnny] Sequel is important, sequel is important.

- Sequel and remake, it's important.

Could we have a moment? - Just give them a moment.

- All right. - Leave you alone?

- Yes.

- [Sy] Without me here?

(Johnny and Jim chanting)

(Sy and Frank join in chanting)

My god, Malcolm! - Sy, Sy!

- Good to see you.

- Things must be shining down on me,

because you are the final piece in this financial puzzle.

25 million dollar project, two and a half million open.

You know what the script is, Cannes Man, by Frank Rhino.

Huh? - I'll bite.

You'll bite.

- I'm game, I'm game.

- We do a napkin deal like with Godard?

- Napkin is good, we'll sign it

right here on the napkin, there.

- All right, I love it.

No, you sign first. - I'll sign.

I've got John Malkovich, Johnny Depp.

- You know the Museum of Cinema

in New York offered me for the Godard contract,

on the napkin, $10000, just for the piece of napkin.

- Well, this will be worth more than that.

- Okay, very good, indeed.

- Xerox that and give it back to me.

- As good a movie as we did with John?

- We'll do as good a movie, and then I'll be happy.

(speaks foreign language)

- [Interviewer] How much did you guys invest?

- Didn't count it.

- We really don't know, to tell you the truth.

We gave Sy our wiring instructions,

and they've been draining those

accounts pretty substantially, haven't they?

- I would say.

- Over a million, that's for sure.

But I'm sure we'll get back every penny of it.

He's no Dino DiLaurentis, I like him.

- (speaks Norwegian)

- He gave Sy Lerner a million dollars

for the Norwegian rights.

- (speaks Norwegian)

- He doesn't think he's ever gonna see it again.

- (speaks Norwegian)

Sy Lerner.

- I can't say that.

Basically, he just would prefer Sy stay dead.

- (speaks French)

- He bought the French right for Cannes Man,

for $500000, and he wants to know where it is.

- (speaks French)

- Where is it? (scoffs)

He doesn't know.

- The man is a thief.

- The man is a thief!

- (speaks French)

I cannot believe someone like that

is stealing your money, and playing with it.

- He can't believe someone is stealing his money.

Unbelievable, he doesn't, it's ridiculous.

- I spent $500000 to that guy,

for that movie, but I did not get anything.

- He spent $500000 on Cannes Man,

and he doesn't know where it is, and wants it.

- It's really important to me.

- [Kitty] It's very important to him.

- Because all my saving gone.

- Because all of his savings are gone.

And I'm broke right now. - He's broke right now.

So please do something for me, please.

- So please do something for me.

- [Syed] I hope you will do something.

- And he hopes I will do,

I can't do anything. - Please try for me, please.

He wants me to try to do something for him.

I can't do anything. - This is my all investment.

I don't want the burden of this, you know what I'm saying,

I'm just a translator here.

I'm not responsible for Sy's financial life.

You know, I put $600000 into it, too, you know.

- Three hookers.

Are on a street corner in Cannes.

One turns to the other, and says,

"If you could do it with anybody

"in the festival, who would you do it with?"

First one thinks about it, and says, "Tom Hanks."

The second one says, "I'd do it with Sean Connery.

"Oh, I love that voice, that voice."

The third one says, "Oh, I wanna do it with Sy Lerner."

The other two say, "Sy Lerner, who's Sy Lerner?"

She goes, "I don't know, but everybody walks

"around saying, 'fuck Sy Lerner, fuck Sy Lerner!'"

(both men laugh)

- Oh, fuck Sy Lerner.

- You know, he was down there with somebody else.

Or so I heard, and.

So that was a little awkward, and, you know,

then, as he always does, he kept

wanting to talk to me, and make up with me.

It's pretty boring, but it's also,

there's something really attractive

about a guy who keeps coming back.

- Thank you for having dinner with me.

Thank you for even talking to me.

- Yeah.

I have to talk with you some more,

because I have to get to where I can trust you.

Or else I gotta be gone, forever.

- Becca, I love you.

- I know you love me, baby, but love

is not all there is in a relationship.

There is also trust, and there's honesty,

and there's sincerity, and there's respect.

And there's integrity, and I don't get any of it from you.

- I didn't mean to hurt you, I didn't do it to hurt you.

- Well...

- It's who I am, it's what I've been.

I can't tell you who,

who I would like to be for you, I would like to be me.

- I can tell you who I'd like you to be.

I'd like you to be someone who's honest with me,

and loves me, and treats me like I should be treated.

Because if you don't start treating

me that way, I'm gonna find somebody who does.

He was loyal to me, in spirit, maybe.

As opposed to like physical body. (laughs)

- I got your card. - We'll do the business.

- [Tawny] I'm here!

- You sure are.

- Doing a play? - Play, yes we are.

- Tawny, this is Dave. - Tawny!

- Dave, nice. - Enchante.

- PO box (laughs) zero, try.

- But I mean, the guy's a great guy,

the guy is like a big director or something.

- Yeah, so am I.

- [Frank] So while Sy had been

with his wife, I took out his secretary.

Tawny, oh, she looked great.

And, man, I felt like a king.

(club music)

So we're dancing, and dancing,

and she was making these moves like I had never seen before.

Unfortunately, my hands got the better of me.

(club music) (people whooping)

- You're a fucking asshole.

Taxi! - Come on, I didn't mean it.

- Come on, slow down. - Would you shut up?

- Come on, so what, we were having fun in there.

Come on, you show up in that dress,

you ask me to dance, you tell me Sy is somewhere else.

You expect me not to do nothing,

come on, I had a little fun.

No big deal, all right, I'm sorry.

Come on, I'm a hot date, you know.

I'm the big man in Cannes right now.

Am I not supposed to think you want me, or something?

- Why would I want you?

- Sy even thinks I'm a big thing.

- Sy is the one that asked me to take you out,

so he could actually get some business done.

- So, you take me out, we have a little fun.

- I think you need to get over yourself.

That's what I think.

- Well Sy believes in me, I want you to know.

(Tawny scoffs)

He believes I could be a writer.

- Why don't you go write yourself a personality?

Taxi!

- [Frank] So. (groans)

How's it going, man? - Good, you're having fun?

Yeah, a lot of fun, yeah.

- Yeah, I am, too, watching you do this is a lot of fun.

You know the first thing about this,

watching you, no, you wait a minute.

The great thing about watching you do this

is I created a souffle, you help things rise.

But you have to be careful they don't fall,

that's called hype, bullshit.

- Okay, that's great, listen, hold on a second.

Garcon.

There's two beans.

If you're out of beans, tell me you're out of beans.

But sambuca requires three beans.

He's got three beans, she's got three beans.

Frank Rhino should have three beans in a sambuca.

I mean, don't give me sambuca with two beans, all right?

Thank you. - Sorry, sir.

Take it.

Well, you were saying?

- You know, Frank, hey, you've got

to be careful about this thing.

Because what you're doing, what we're doing

is creating something that's not real.

There is no script, there is no Frank Rhino.

There's you, there's me,

and there's whatever we're creating.

The thing is, we have to keep a perspective about.

And I think you're losing it.

But what you think is happening isn't happening.

Am I getting through to you? - Yeah.

- It's great, thanks, listen, um.

Forget it, all right, tell them to forget the sambuca.

I'll see you later. (phone rings)

- Sy, Sy, I have been waiting. - Jasmine!

(both speak French)

I have been wanting to talk to you.

Sit down, yes.

I was there the other day, when you

were talking with the investors.

I was with my lawyer. - Yes.

I wanted to know, I want to invest 100% in it.

I have the money, you can check me out!

I really have the funds, please.

- Listen to me, darling, listen to me.

You're the only honest person here.

- Yes, maybe that's why you should let me invest.

- Trust me, you don't want to be involved, okay?

- Why not?

- You're better, let me screw the other people,

and you stay pure.

- [Frank] As it turns out, Sy, the operator,

was doing one more than just winning a bet.

- Sy had everything.

- He had Hopper, Charmoush.

- Johnny Depp, had them all.

These were bankable names, we had to go with it.

- You see this, you see this, it's great press.

Already getting press.

- Front page of Variety, Cannes Man Kicks Cannes!

- [Frank] So that was that.

That clinched it, when the headline

appeared in the trades, Sy had finally won his bet.

- Jim Stark, please. - Stark, here.

- Jim.

- [Jim] Yeah, what are you doing?

- Have you seen the trades?

- [Jim] I've seen 'em, what, are you calling to gloat?

Yeah, no, no, no, I'm not calling to gloat.

I'm not that guy. - Oh, no, since when?

I just think that it's funny, we did it, huh?

- [Jim] You did it.

- Isn't that what this place is all about?

This festival, hookah and high poo?

I still have the magic, don't I?

- [Jim] You're amazing.

- I'll probably go back to being a producer.

- [Jim] It's the perfect job for you.

You sticking around there?

- No, no, no, we're leaving tomorrow,

we're going to Paris for a couple of days.

- Paris?

- I guess I'm paying for that, too, huh?

- Yeah, well, look,

I'll call you when I get back to LA.

I'll have Ronnie total up the bill,

and she'll send it to you. - Great, thanks.

And don't worry, I won't put the tips or cab fare on.

- Fine, fine, hey, Sy? - Huh?

- [Jim] Fuck you.

(Sy sighs)

- The whole fucking morning.

Beautiful day in Cannes, thank you very much,

ladies and gentlemen, I am the man!

Did you read the papers this morning,

huh, Sy, come on, we got stuff to do.

Finish your coffee, come on, finish your coffee already.

- Frank.

Kid.

It's over, we did it.

- [Frank] Sure, we're doing it, we're gonna go.

- No, no, no, it's all over.

Festival is over today, and we're leaving tomorrow.

Okay?

I mean, that's it, there's nothing happened.

You didn't write anything. - No, no, but we're here.

- We're doing it! - There's no script, right?

- None! - All right.

- So that means it's nothing.

Maybe you can write, and if you do

write something, write it from the heart.

Bring it to me, and I'll help you make it.

In the meantime, enjoy the clothes.

Keep the cash you got in your pocket, it's yours.

And we upgraded you on the flight back.

That's it, we're leaving tomorrow.

Festival's over today.

- No, wait.

No, no, no, no, no, wait a minute, wait a minute.

You're telling me it's over, just like that?

We did this whole thing together, man.

We got it to where it's at, and now you're gonna drop it?

You can't just drop it, just like that.

Just drop me just like that.

I'll keep the clothes, I like the clothes, fine.

Sy, Sy, you're not even paying attention to me.

You know what, you know what,

fuck this, this is bullshit, man.

You know what, Johnny Depp wants to be in my movie.

Everybody's talking about me.

All right, I'll keep the clothes,

thank you very much, thanks for nothing, all right?

So there's no script, small fucking problem!

All right, bye!

So I decided I could go on, on my own, without Sy.

How hard could it be?

- Frank, Ronnie, sorry I'm late.

I've been running around all day,

just closed a big deal.

- It's all right, it's all right.

- I've been dying to hear your script.

- Okay.

Well, I don't have the script with me, all right.

So what I'm gonna do is, I'm just gonna

narrate the story to you, all right.

'Cause I think, you and me, we can talk about this,

and then maybe we can get together,

and maybe get this film going.

I'm gonna have a couple analogies, all right?

We're gonna analogize over here, all right?

Now, listen to this: imagine Star Trek,

versus Pretty Woman, right?

There, you got the future, you got, now,

you got both of them, right?

Now, this is an ugly alien, this woman,

who's an ugly alien from outer space.

She comes to earth, and she meets her pimp.

Pimp says, "She's an ugly girl.

"Now I gotta make her pretty."

Now here's the con, that's a con man right there.

And imagine this: the Menendez brothers,

meets Mary Poppins, ba-boom.

Mutant, ape, mutes.

Forget about it, this is an amazing story.

Now...

- Frank, I gotta run.

Really, send me a script. - Script?

Yeah, just yeah, I'll probably see you around.

When you have it, I'll just.

- Absolutely, I will send you a script, you'll love it.

Absolutely. - Nice to see you.

See you at the party later, yeah.

- Basically, you got two lists in Cannes.

You got your toilet list,

and you got your gornisht list.

There's people on the toilet list, you know who they are.

Costner, what did he do, Waterworld?

Major toilet.

Bruce Willis, Hudson Hawk, flush.

But then you got your gornisht list.

These are people who can't even get on the toilet list.

They don't even work anymore.

You see them walking all over Cannes,

the walking dead, I call them.

They can't even get a table in Cannes.

- I got a meeting in about 15 minutes,

but can you just tell me the idea.

Like back of an envelope, just say,

two, three, sentences, I mean, just give it to me.

Like, okay, I'm the audience, I'm sitting

in the theater, give it to me, two sentences.

- Cannes Man. - Okay.

C-O-N, Man, he's a con, it's a con.

Cannes Man. - Con man, okay.

What do you think, isn't that great, isn't that great?

Sy thought that up himself.

- That's just the, that's just the first credit.

Now what happens, the guy? - That's it!

- Envision this, envision this, con, con.

The whole thing's a con, he's a con man.

Huh, how's that?

- Who do you gotta fuck to get a waiter around here?

- [Frank] You're Mark Duret,

you're that French actor that's in that hyena movie,

over here in Cannes, in the competition, aren't you?

I'm French Rhino! - Who?

Frank Rhino!

- Rhino? - Yeah, Rhino.

- I don't know you, sir.

- The ac, the writer, you're the actor, I'm the writer.

- Don't touch me, please, you don't

touch me, sir, I'm sorry, don't...

- Come on man, I just want to offer

you something to be in my movie, you know.

- You're a little too loud for me,

you're a little too loud, please, don't touch me, sir.

- [Frank] So things weren't going that smooth.

But I managed to get to Jim Sheridan,

you know, the director of My Left Foot,

who Sy had told me loved the idea.

- Con man?

- Con, that's it, that's the story.

It's a story about a con man, the guy's a con,

the guy really is, girls could have the parts.

They could have great parts in this.

The story is about a man and his con.

It's really about the man

trying to make the con work.

- Yeah.

- And the con isn't really working, you know what I mean?

It's one of those stories, you know, it's like, it's.

I'm like, you know, I'm that famous writer.

It doesn't ring a bell, that famous

writer that people know? - No.

Frank Rhino? - It doesn't ring a bell.

- And please, leave me, leave me alone.

Otherwise, you know. - Come on, man!

I'm gonna go now. - What, where?

Please leave me alone, please.

- You know, maybe he offered it to Quentin Tarantino.

Maybe I heard it, maybe I thought.

- He told me a different story.

- He did? - Yeah.

- What was his story, exactly?

- It was much better, it was about

a con man who cons himself, you know?

He starts out conning everybody,

and then he forgets who he is,

and he ends up conning himself.

So he becomes somebody else.

- Okay, that's a good interpretation of this story.

- It's like life, you know?

- Yeah.

Well, you know, you're the director.

You could take it that way,

that direction, you know what I mean?

- And then the piano player says,

"Know it, I fucking wrote it."

- Yeah, yeah.

- [Frank] Hey, hey, hey guys, how you doing?

Johnny, how's it going?

Jimmy, Jimmy Jamoo!

Didn't mean nothing by that, man.

Listen, how's it going, guys?

Listen, I just came by to tell you,

me and Sy, we're not together no more.

Hey, it's a free world. - Sorry, what?

- Where's Sy?

- Sy and me, I said, are not gonna do it.

So you'll be the directors,

and so we're gonna do this together.

- What did Sy give you? - He gave me this.

- It was his word, he gave me a handshake.

He gave me this, from spiritual.

- That's very nice, this is even nicer.

Listen, I can give you something bigger.

I can give you this whole script.

I can give you the Cannes Man movie.

It's me, you agreed, come on, we can do this together.

- Listen, I heard all kinds of shit.

Dennis Hopper's directing the film,

and I hear, Johnny, I thought it was me and Johnny.

But it's only Johnny Depp, I hear.

Johnny Depp's directing the film.

- I'm sorry, that's Sy. - I don't understand.

- It's not me, man, I'm a, hey.

I'm a good guy, I mean, I mean,

sure the story's got its little things.

You know, that maybe I gotta work out.

- You know, it's not a spiritual story, it's bullshit.

- You know what, I don't feel connected, really.

To the earth, this morning.

- I don't either.

- So go, so go. - What's going on?

- Hey. - Go.

- Go. - Where's Sy?

- Am I being too loud? - We made a deal with Sy.

- Maybe I could talk slower. - I don't know you.

- Hey, come on, hey, all right!

- We fucking made a deal with Sy,

I thought, I don't even know who

this jerk-off is, and then it's all over the Croisette.

- What a fucking shirt.

The shirt, it's amazing. - Get him out of here, shit.

- Wow, he's gone.

- I don't get it.

Do you get it? - Are you tired?

No, I just don't get the concept.

I could explain it again.

Sy and I are no longer together.

So I came to you for financing this movie.

Cannes Man, the one that I wrote.

That Sy spoke to you about,

but Sy and I are not together.

- I'll tell you how we work here.

You're gonna bring me the screenplay, okay?

Then you're gonna show me chain of title.

Do you have an attorney, by the way?

- So there's a screenplay, I can do that.

There's an attorney, and there's a chain.

- Chain of title.

- Oh, yeah, of course, of course.

- You know what, get an attorney, okay, and call me back.

- A lawyer, a screenplay.

- Yes, you're in the movies, right?

This is movies, yeah. - That's it.

- Chain, I could get a chain, I could get a chain.

(scoffs) Chain is easy, a chain is not even a problem.

- All right, so call me back when you got it.

- [Frank] Who was I kidding?

I wasn't a writer, I wasn't a movie mogul,

I wasn't a producer.

Well, let's face it, I was a nobody without Sy.

The festival was over.

So was that brief glorious career,

as the famous screenwriter, Frank Rhino.

Just another face in the crowd.

Another pair of shoes on the tarmac.

(jazz music)

- Sy?

- Yes.

- Word has it that you're here with someone else.

- That's true, but so help me god, she's nothing.

- Okay, well, let's take care of that little matter, okay?

- Consider it done, tonight. - Okay.

- I promise.

- Yeah, I mean, if we're gonna start over,

we're gonna start over now.

- And go to Paris the day after tomorrow?

- Yeah.

- I love you to death.

- [Interviewer] Do you miss him?

- Yeah, very much.

He was a big part of my life.

- I'll miss him in Cannes, yeah.

Yeah, Cannes won't be the same without Sy there.

I mean, usually, we try to avoid him,

let's be fair, we try to avoid him.

But we enjoy avoiding him.

- I miss the old guy.

He was a good man, he had such a good heart.

(sighs) It just gave out too soon.

- If I could sum up Sy in one word, I'd say fugitive.

Fugitive.

You did say he's dead, yeah, we'll find him.

- [Sy] Frank.

- Hi.

- Hey.

(Frank laughs) Come on.

- It ain't working, Sy. (laughs)

- Look at it, it was 12 days in your life.

You learned a lot from this.

And I had a great time sticking

this festival right up the butt, okay?

- Something I couldn't have done on my own.

I gotta tell you the truth, you know,

you picked me up, and you did this for me.

Two weeks of great time, it was fun.

- It was a lot of fun!

- It was fun.

- And remember it for that experience.

I'll see you again. - Really?

Hey, LA is a small town.

Who knows, I might even ride in your cab.

Be good, kid.

(jazz music)

Hey, Frank, remember this.

- [Rebecca] Sum up Sy Lerner, in a few sentences.

Lovely, he's intelligent, he's a con artist.

- You lived for deals with Sy, you lived for them.

I mean, you just felt alive, and part of the game,

and, you know, he had an angle for everything.

Amazing, he was like a chameleon, or something.

- He was a schmuck, he was a schmuck.

You know, what can I say, he was a schmuck.

- [Nat] But a good schmuck.

I mean, you know, there's a lot of different...

- That's right, there's ones you hate.

- [Nat] Variations of schmuck.

- [Michael] And there's, sometimes there's schmucks.

- Talented, a talented schmuck, I mean, he had his moments.

A schmuck.

- Completely unreliable, actually,

that was good about him,

because he was completely unreliable.

I think that was one of his strengths.

- He had big beautiful eyes.

Would, always looked at me, all the time.

And he promised me so many things,

and I'm just so sad he died before he could do them.

- [Interviewer] Do you miss him?

- Sy?

Of course, how could you not?

He was an amazing man.

- [Frank] I may not have been famous

anymore, but Sy Lerner taught me about making movies.

About the film business, and about life in general.

I didn't understand what he meant

at the time, but I know now.

You see, Sy knew how to live life.

He taught me, if you want to reach for the stars,

you've got to be willing to jump off that cliff.

- [Minister] Sy was a man of vision and dreams.

May Sy rest in peace.

God bless.

(crow caws)

- Hi, hi, I'm Frank Rhinoslavsky.

Frank Rhino, Sy called me. - Oh, hey, Frank.

- Sy told me all about you.

- Mrs. Lerner? - You made him a happy man.

- Excuse me, the cremains.

- Well, he, you know, he did a lot for me.

He's a good guy, he was a good guy.

I mean, I got to really love him,

and, you know, I'm sorry.

It's just that he was my friend.

And I'm gonna miss him.

- You know what?

Why don't you take him home with you?

There's plenty more ashes where that came from.

(engine starts)

- [Sy] We did it, huh?

- Let's go.

- [Frank] Everybody thought he was dead.

But he wasn't dead.

He left 'cause of, what do they call it,

creative differences.

Sy, in Cannes, was ripping off a lot of people

for a lot of money, for this non-existent film, Cannes Man.

About five million dollars in deposits towards the movie.

He faked his death, but he was very much alive.

In the Caribbean, drinking pina coladas,

or something, on the beach.

Some guy walks by, sees him on the beach,

says, "Hey, Sy Lerner, where's my movie?"

So Sy calls me, and says, "Kid, we gotta make a movie.

"Get a camera, we're gonna make the film."

This is it, this is the movie.

Hope you're happy, Sy. ("The Blue Danube Waltz")

- [Festival Host] (speaking French)

Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to this

year's Cannes Film Festival.

I present to you, the renowned director, James Jarmusch!

(speaking French)

And the terrific actor, who has

a guest appearance in tonight's premiere, Johnny Depp!

(speaking French)

The producer of Cannes Man,

Mr. Cannes himself, Sy Lerner.

(speaking French)

And, finally, the celebrated writer-director

of Cannes Man, Frank Rhinoslavsky!

- [Frank] So that's it, that's the movie we made.

That's the movie Sy wanted to make, Cannes Man.

("The Blue Danube Waltz")

- It's really nice to see you, man.

- You would do that?

- We could do something together, I think it would be great.

- Well, yeah.

- Maybe some action type thing.

- Yeah, that'd be cool, you see, I'm just a little.

- Sy just left me, he had no respect.

- You're gonna tell me, Dino is not an honest man?

- Why don't I, very well?

- Okay. (clears throat)

(laughs)

- A promise is a sacrifice, Sy.

You must be willing, Sy.

I mean, I believe.

- [Jim] Vomiting is part of the mission course.

- Cheers, cheers to vomiting. - Cheers to vomit.

- I thought you could be in my movie,

'cause I could sell it to the foreign distributors.

'Cause you're a foreign, you're a French actor, aren't you?

- I am not a frog.

- (stutters) Did I get fucked by Sy Lerner?

- One provision, I want the movie 50%.

- You got 50%. - You got it.

- Like you always like it. - Thank you.

- 50 for you, 50 for me. - Thank you, bye.

- Bye-bye.

- All right, all right, cut, that's it.

- Al Lewis can't produce it. - What about Vogels?

- Yeah, him, too, he can't do it.

- I could shoot color, if I were

interested in cinema, which I'm not sure I am.

- If I could sum up Sy in one word,

this is Sy Lerner we're talking about?

- Aside from being the courier,

Frank Rhinoplasty, no, no, sorry. (laughs)

Aside from being the courier, Frank Rhinoceros, no.

- One time, I was there, I saw Sy putting on a big party

with lots of champagne, and black tie, and all these stars.

And he was promoting a movie that

I don't think ever got made.

- I would love to have you for Cannes Man.

- Well, I'm getting, it all depends.

- I hear you're gonna get best actor?

- Yeah?

- That's what I hear the buzz is.

- Basically hanging out on the Croisette.

- Yeah.

- Trying to get laid, how about you?

- Yeah, same thing. - Cool.

- [Sy] Chris, come here.

What you were gonna walk away and hide from me?

How are you?

- I have to be in Boston.

- (speaking French)

- These are babes, man, check them out.

Look how good we all look together,

it's like we're related or something.

- You guys over here, Kevin, good to see you, Bryan.

- [Bryan] It was a pleasure.

- It's good to see you again.

(Sy laughing)

- I'm fucking exhausted.

- We're gonna read it together, in LA,

once I set the money in place.

- Don't take that picture, okay,

please don't do that, all right.

- Honey, he doesn't want a picture.

- You want a picture, ask me, please, okay?

All right, thank you. - Don't worry about it.

- [Interviewer] Is that true,

you have a sex slave in the valley?

- (laughs) No, it's actually in Beverly Hills.

No, I just, don't print that part. (laughs)

- That's a con, that's the whole story.

They're setting up a sting.

A sting, you get it?

- Farm poetry, support the farmers' day off,

because the big corporations are

taking over, and you know it, how many cowboys are left?

Maybe 15 or 20, but the farmers are still there.

Con Man Revels at Cannes.

The begin has begun.

Where's my coffee?

Hey, where's my coffee?

French.

("The Blue Danube Waltz")