Original subtitles

- ? MTV ?

[both chuckling]

[rock music]

? ?

- Uh, we're here to pay our parking tickets.

- Yeah, let's make it quick. Yeah.

[chuckles]

- Guys, this is a church.

The courthouse is two blocks down the street.

- Huh?

- Huh.

Well, Your Honor, if it's not a courthouse,

what are you doing here?

[chuckles]

- No, I'm not a judge.

I am a priest.

- Oh, I get it now.

Yeah, a priest. I see. [chuckles]

- Easy mistake to make. [chuckles]

So, Your Honor, how much is it gonna take

to make these tickets go away? [chuckles]

- Yeah, maybe get a little something nice

for yourself, you know?

Some more of those beads, maybe?

[chuckles]

Damn it.

We come here every day, and that guy never takes our money.

[chuckles]

- Well, that's the government for you, Beavis.

Nobody wants to work. [chuckles]

- Hi, I'm Richard.

I've noticed you two spend a lot of time here.

It's a wonderful community, isn't it?

- Yeah, we're here because we parked in a zone.

Yeah. [chuckles]

- Well, the congregation has organized

a mission trip to Mexico, and we'd love to have you join us.

- Uh, you guys are going on a mission?

[chuckles]

- Sure are.

We're going down there for the day to fight structural poverty

and combat homelessness.

- Well, combat is cool.

Yeah. [chuckles]

Yeah, I wanna fight structures.

Yeah. [chuckles]

- Uh, can you excuse us, sir?

[chuckles] That guy wants us to go

on a combat mission for, like, the army or something.

[chuckles]

- Yeah, remember we wanted to join the army

after high school, but they said we were

like, mentality or something?

[chuckles]

- I wanna blow stuff up with a tank.

[chuckles]

- And I would like a flamethrower, please.

Yeah. [chuckles]

- You boys have a high school diploma?

- Is that that thing they give you when

you drop out of high school? [chuckles]

- I lost mine.

[chuckles]

- Yeah, he told us the army was full.

[chuckles]

- See, maybe this is our chance.

I always wanted to serve my country with a flamethrower.

Yeah. [chuckles]

- We'll do it, Sarge.

- We're ready to go to war, sir.

[chuckles]

- Ha!

Always great to have some volunteers

with a sense of humor.

See you on the bus.

- We're silent but deadly.

[both chuckling]

[upbeat electronic music]

- Most guys in their 30s, 40s, and 50s or beyond

seem to have a huge misconception

about dating younger women.

And if you fall into that- - Uh-huh.

Yeah, yeah. Yeah.

Yeah, I'm listening. Yeah.

[chuckles]

- In your dating life and keeping you single

and not dating hot, young women.

So in today's-

- Okay, I'm all ears. [chuckles]

- Don't know is that they can actually turn their age

into an advantage with women if they do just one simple thing.

- Uh, wow.

You know, like, I always thought the reason

I don't score is 'cause there's just

one simple thing I don't do.

[chuckles] And now she's gonna tell us what it is.

[chuckles] - Yeah, yeah, me too.

You know, it's like, man, chicks look at me,

and they're like, you know, he's just

only doing one thing wrong.

Otherwise, I'd score with him.

[chuckles]

- You see, most younger girls can fall in love

with an older man very easily.

In fact, not only can I say that from my own experience,

but there have-

- She's like, I have two 100-year-old husbands.

[both chuckling]

- older men as more confident,

assertive, and masculine than guys their age.

And that's incredibly sexy to a woman.

So if you as an older guy-

- This chick is great.

Yeah. [chuckles]

- She's like, not afraid to say the things

that I wanna believe is the truth.

[chuckles]

- Yeah, yeah, exactly.

Yeah, yeah. [chuckles]

- As an older guy, you don't want them to be impressed.

You want them attracted. So this is a huge mistake.

It makes you come off as a needy try-hard

and shows that you really don't trust

in your own value as a man.

- So she's saying the problem is we're trying too hard?

I don't know how much not harder I could try, you know?

[chuckles]

I mean, that might be impossible.

[chuckles]

- Uh, yeah, really.

We're sexy 'cause we don't care.

[chuckles]

- Number one, you make strong eye contact.

And this seems-

- Uh, yeah.

I make strong eye contact.

With their butt.

[both chuckling]

- This is such a neat, little trick, I guess, that guys do.

All you have to do is call a girl by a nickname

that you gave her.

Chatterbox if she talks a lot-

- Nickname?

Okay, I guess I could do that.

I mean, what's a cute, fun nickname?

[chuckles]

- Hello there, asswipe. [chuckles]

Nice to meet you. [chuckles]

- Can I buy you a drink- [chuckles]

My little asswipe? [chuckles]

Also, you talk too much.

[chuckles]

- I've noticed you've always got your nose in a book.

[chuckles] So I'm gonna call you butthole.

[both chuckling]

- Number four, small disagreements.

So you see, another mistake-

- Oh.

Wait a minute, Butt-Head.

Everything she's saying is stuff you do to me.

You, like, disagree with me, and-and you call me names.

And- - Damn it, Beavis.

No, I don't. - See?

See, you're doing it right there.

You're disagreeing with me.

- Damn it, Beavis! Shut up.

- Butt-Head, are you trying to score with me?

- Damn it, Beavis, if you say one more thing

like that, I'm gonna beat the crap out of you.

- Whoa, whoa. Hey, hey, take it easy.

Kind of coming across as a little bit

of a desperate trier or whatever. [chuckles]

- Damn it, butthole! - Yeah, see?

See, there-there's with the nicknames. [chuckles]

Look, Butt-Head, I mean, not that there's anything

wrong with it, but, um, I just, uh,

my tastes don't run that way.

Agh!

- Damn it, Beavis. - See, physical touch!

[slap, screaming]

I know you're desperate.

[slap, screaming]

- Damn it, Beavis, I'm not trying to-

[slap, screaming] - It's not your fault.

[slap, screaming]

There's just one simple thing you're doing wrong.

[slap, screaming]

You-you have a schlong, see? [yelps] Ow.

- Thank you for watching this video.

all: ? Michael, row the boat ashore ?

? Hallelujah ?

? Michael, row the boat ashore ?

? Hallelujah ?

- I can't believe it, Butt-Head.

We finally joined the army,

and now we're going into combat, yeah.

[chuckles]

- They say killing changes a man.

[chuckles]

- It sure changed these poor bastards.

Look at 'em.

Hardened killers.

[chuckles]

- Yep, look at their eyes.

Their souls are gone.

[chuckles]

- Just a bus full of tough sons of bitches

with one-way tickets to hell.

[chuckles]

[hydraulics hiss]

[door closes]

[engine rumbling]

Wow.

So this is the jungle.

Yeah. [chuckles]

- Uh, these weapons suck.

How are you supposed to kill someone with a hammer?

[chuckles] - I don't know,

probably if you threw it at somebody really hard.

Agh!

Ugh. - See?

You're still alive. [chuckles]

- Oh, yeah. Yeah.

Damn it. [chuckles]

- Uh, sir, we wanna like, see some action already.

- Yeah, yeah. Yeah, lock and load. [chuckles]

- You got it.

Why don't you take these two nail guns

and go help out Victor?

- Yeah. Yeah, now we're talking.

Yeah. [chuckles]

- Let's get it on, Beavis.

Time to go wax that dude.

[chuckles]

- Let's go rack up our body count.

Yeah. [nail guns firing]

- Counting sucks.

[both chuckling]

- ? Oh, saved and I'm glad ?

? I'm glad ?

? Oh, saved and I'm- ?

Oh, my. That's not good detail work.

Bless their hearts.

I better get a hammer.

[both chuckling]

- Stay frosty.

- Well, looks like the enemy bugged out.

[chuckles] - Yeah, that sucks.

We were gonna kick his ass.

[chuckles]

- Uh, let's kick his fort's ass.

- Sir, yes, sir. [chuckles]

- Get some.

[dramatic music]

[window shatters]

[thudding]

- You will never take our freedom!

Yah!

[windows shattering]

- Unleash hell!

[chuckles]

- Special delivery from Uncle Sam.

Yeah.

[groans] Yeah.

[groans]

By the power of Grayskull!

[saw whirring, screaming]

[bird chirps]

- Well, Beavis, another win for America.

- We just, like, made some freedom.

Yeah. [chuckles]

- Oh, my God.

What the hell did you guys do?

- We kept this country safe.

That's what the hell we did. [chuckles]

- Yeah, while you were back there pushing papers around,

we were risking our lives out here.

Freedom isn't free. See what I'm saying?

Sometimes you gotta-ah!

- Ugh!

- Go, out!

- Hey, hey. - Run.

- God damn it!

- You can't handle the truth.

[chuckling]

- You said "handle."

- Get back here, you bastards!

[both chuckling]

[bird caws]

- That's the problem, Butt-Head.

The politicians in Washington won't let us

do what it takes to win, see?

[chuckles] - Yep.

We're just gonna have to find the enemy on our own.

[chuckles]

- Yeah, this is cool. [chuckles]

We're, like, going commando.

Yeah. [chuckles]

- And Beavis, if I don't make it back alive,

tell your mom thanks for supporting my troops.

[chuckling]

I banged your mom.

[both chuckling]

- Yeah, wait a second.

Shut up, Butt-Head.

Commando. [chuckles]

- I banged her for America.

[both chuckling]

[upbeat metal music]

[mellow calypso music]

? ?

- Hello, I'm Tom Anderson, veteran of two foreign wars.

But today, Marcie and I are on vacation

here at this beautiful beach resort in Mexico

right there on the edge of the Sonora Desert.

It is our first vacation in 15 years,

what with being on a fixed income from a military pension.

And it is a relaxing one, I tell you what.

- Beavis, let's kill that guy. - Yeah.

- But no part of it was quite as relaxing

as what happened this morning at the breakfast buffet.

I approached what appeared at a distance

to be ordinary waffles.

[thud, dripping]

What the hell?

[thudding]

- Like, eat nails or something. [chuckles]

- Yeah, courtesy of the USA, you son of a bitch.

[chuckles]

- Take that, you bastard!

[groaning]

- Hey! - Hey, cut it out.

[nail gun firing, groaning]

- [shouting in Spanish]

- Hey, stop.

- [shouting in Spanish]

- There now.

What was I talking about, Marcie?

Right.

Now, these waffles had a little surprise in them

called chocolate chips.

And one other secret ingredient,

but that's a tale for the next

"Tom Anderson's Vacation Stories."

[Beavis and Butt-Head groaning]

Por favor, un otro?

- Let's get out of here. This place sucks.

- [shouting in Spanish]

[Beavis and Butt-Head groaning]

[both chuckling]

[rock music]

? ?

[snoring]

- Everyone, if I could have your attention.

- What? [chuckles]

- A new student is going to be joining us today

on our journey of learning.

Would you like to introduce yourself to the class?

- Hi, everybody. My name's Beavis.

- Wait, what?

- Mm-kay, well, we already have a student named Beavis.

- Yeah, yeah. It's, like, me or something.

Right?

Right? [chuckles]

- So why don't you go by your initial, Beavis H?

Beavis H, go ahead and find a seat.

- Okay.

My family just moved here from Michigan.

- [sighs] Oh, boy.

[chuckles]

- So I guess we're both named Beavis, huh?

- Yeah. Yeah, I guess so.

[chuckles]

- What's your initial?

- I don't know.

I think it's- I think it's a letter.

[chuckles]

- The biggest battle America fought in World War II

was called the Battle of the Bulge.

- [chuckles]

Hey, Beavis. - Yeah?

- What? [chuckles]

- You said my name.

- Um, he's talking to me.

[chuckles]

- Oh, okay.

If you mean me, just say Beavis H.

- Uh, okay.

Hey, Beavis.

- Did you mean Beavis H?

- No. [chuckles]

- Oh, okay. Got it. My bad.

Go ahead.

- Uh, hey, Beavis.

- He's talking to you, buddy. Have a good conversation.

- Damn it, just let Butt-Head say what he was gonna say!

Jesus. [chuckles]

Butt-Head, what were you gonna say?

- Uh, he said bulge.

- Who said bulge?

- Uh, I don't remember anymore.

Somebody said bulge.

[chuckles]

- Bulge.

[both chuckling]

- [laughs] He did say bulge.

That's funny, dude.

Bulge like a bulge in your pants.

[laughing]

- Beavis, Beavis, and Butt-Head,

please quiet down, mm-kay?

- Sorry, Mr. V.

We better be quiet.

No more laughing about you know what.

- [groans] Yeah.

Beavis sucks.

- Centuries ago, master archers were able to perform

incredible feats of archery.

These skills have long since been forgotten,

but the Danish archer Lars Andersen

is trying to reinvent what has been lost.

- This guy is, like, the best guy in the world at archery,

but I could just shoot him with a gun.

And I'm dumb and not good at anything.

[both chuckling]

- Oh, yeah.

That's why they invented the gun, you know?

For dumbasses like us. [chuckles]

- In the 1938 movie "The Adventures of Robin Hood,"

Robin Hood splits an arrow down the middle.

Some consider this the ultimate archery trick.

- Uh, the ultimate archery trick is to, like,

try to impress chicks with archery.

[chuckles]

- And it's never been done. [chuckles]

- Yeah. [chuckles]

Robin Hood never scored. [chuckles]

- If I was in "Robin Hood,"

I would just, like, bring a gun.

And I would just, like, shoot Robin Hood.

And I'd take all the money he stole

and give it back to the rich people.

Yeah. [both chuckling]

- Rich people are cool.

[chuckles]

- And the poor people, you know, um,

well, you know, they just need something to, um-

to motivate them to get off their butts

and make some money, see? [chuckles]

So in a way, when I steal their money,

I'd be doing 'em a favor, see? [chuckles]

- They're not trying hard enough.

[chuckles]

- For modern target archery.

- His mom is like, uh, Lars, lunch is ready.

[chuckles]

- Mom, I'm playing with my arrows.

I'm pretending I'm in a battle.

[both chuckling]

- His mom's like, that's great, honey.

How old are you now, 29?

[both chuckling]

- How about maybe shooting some rent arrows or something?

[chuckles]

- How about shooting some of your dirty laundry

into the washing machine?

[chuckles]

- That's an archery trick I've never seen.

Come on.

[both chuckling]

- How about shooting yourself into a job interview somewhere?

[chuckling]

- And then his dad's like, ugh.

What are we gonna do about that kid?

[chuckles]

- Well, you're the one who bought him

that kids archery set.

- Now it's my fault. Everything's my fault!

Yeah.

- Lars, remember I told you about that job opening

at your uncle's factory?

[both chuckling]

You could be the first security guard with arrows.

[chuckles]

- You know, Beavis is a French name.

My mom's French. Is your mom French?

- Um, Butt-Head says she's a slut.

[chuckles]

- Mine is from the Grand Est region.

It must be full of dudes named Beavis.

We should go live there.

But no, right?

- We're gonna go sit over there now, like, by ourselves.

[chuckles]

I'm so tired of Beavis.

[chuckles]

- Uh, you mean the new guy or yourself?

[chuckles]

- The new guy.

But I guess- I guess myself too.

Never really thought about that.

[chuckles]

- Anyone named Beavis pretty much sucks.

That's what I always say.

It's kind of like my motto or whatever.

[chuckles]

- Yeah, but that Beavis is always, like, hanging around

and being a butthole when no one wants him there.

[chuckles]

- All Beavises are like that, Beavis.

That's just what Beavises do.

They don't know any better. [chuckles]

- I can't believe this lunchroom has nachos.

So sweet!

But they don't taste sweet,

'cause that would be weird, yeah?

- See, Butt-Head?

- You mean me? - What?

No, I said Butt-Head!

- Oh, I thought you were making fun of me.

I can be a real butt-head sometimes.

Hehe!

It's cool if you were.

I know that's part of friendship.

- Hey, Beavis.

- You mean me?

- No, I'm talking to Beavis.

How's your first day going, Beavis?

- Awesome.

Did you know there's another kid here named Beavis?

- Really? At this school?

- I've been going to school here for three years.

- Do you wanna do homework together later?

- Oh, yeah. For sure. That'd be tight.

- Um, If you mean me, you can just say

regular Beavis or something.

- Bye, Beavis.

- Beavis, you're the least cool Beavis in the entire world.

[chuckles]

- Yeah. Yeah.

Probably so.

Yeah. [chuckles]

[crunching]

- Butt-Head, I don't care what the answer is.

And it doesn't matter what you say or anything.

But-but, like, do you think I'm, like,

the better Beavis or something?

[chuckles]

- Oh, yeah.

You're obviously better than that other Beavis.

[chuckles] - Okay, yeah.

Yeah, that's fine.

I mean, I don't care, you know.

[chuckles]

- Wait, which Beavis are you?

I can't tell you apart.

One of you's better, that's all I know.

[chuckles]

Maybe it's you, maybe not.

[chuckles] [door chimes]

- Dude, you guys are eating more nachos?

I just got some, too, bros.

We're like the original nacho fiends.

Just kidding.

- Damn Beavis.

He sucks. [chuckles]

- Mind if I pop a squat?

- Pop a squat? [chuckles]

That's what guys say when they bang Beavis's mom.

[chuckles]

- You mean my mom?

- No, he's talking about my mom!

Guys bang my mom.

Jesus Christ!

Everything's not always about you, butthole.

- Well, I don't think it's very funny

to make fun of people's moms.

Butt-Head, I think you owe Beavis an apology.

- Huh? What? [chuckles]

- Okay, that's enough, Beavis.

I'm gonna kick you in the nads.

[chuckles]

- You mean me in the nads or him in the nads?

- Uh, it was gonna be you, but now I can't decide.

[chuckles]

Uh, hmm.

Let's see. [chuckles]

- [screams]

- There we go.

[chuckles]

- Whoa.

I can't believe I thought you dudes were cool.

I'm outta here.

- Well, I got rid of that Beavis.

- Hey, Tiff. - Sure did.

- Hi, Beavis.

- One more Beavis to go.

[chuckles]

- Whoo!

[upbeat metal music]

[rock music]

? ?

[chiming noises]

- Chirp.

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