Original subtitles

John Wilson: Hey, New York.

As we get older, we try to hit certain milestones

to feel like we're making progress in life.

Like, adopting your first pet;

finally getting your own place;

or starting an exciting new career.

These things make us feel stable

and help us forget that the Grim Reaper is...

al-- just always one step behind us.

But unfortunately, this stability

is sometimes only an illusion.

Because one day,

when you're just hanging out in your apartment,

your landlord calls you to come downstairs to have a talk.

It sounds pretty serious, and your mind

naturally goes to the worst possible place.

But, nothing could've prepared you

for what you are about to hear.

She tells you that she's selling the building

and moving to Las Vegas by the end of the month.

♪ ♪

It really takes you by surprise,

but looking back, you could see

that there had been signs everywhere,

and you-you-you just hadn't noticed them.

You go through a whirlwind of emotions.

Shock,

rage,

sadness,

panic,

and finally acceptance.

But just as you are getting ready to move out,

something happens that you never even considered.

She actually offers to sell you the house if you want it

for a price that's below market value.

It seems like the deal of a lifetime,

but you don't know if you can actu-actually afford it.

The thought of purchasing property

had never even crossed your mind,

and the idea just sounds kind of terrifying.

You ask her to give you a few days to think it over

because you're not sure you're ready for something like this.

But instead of letting an opportunity

slip through your fingers,

might as well finally figure out

if it's a good idea to invest in real estate.

Most people would jump at the opportunity

to own property in New York,

but when you look back, you realize

you've actually structured your whole life

around avoiding commitments like this.

Before you found your current place,

you lived month-to-month

in an illegally converted warehouse

with a bunch of your good friends.

♪ ♪

A lot of the rooms didn't have windows,

so when it got really hot,

you had to make your own air conditioners

out of ice jugs and a, and a fan

in a Styrofoam box.

There were also rats that lived in your garbage,

and a vicious possum in the backyard.

They even shot a TV show on your block once

where they used your street as a stand-in

for war-torn Syria

with very little set dressing.

Hostiles on rooftop up the street.

Oh my god.

Wilson: Because you, you were living there illegally,

you were always expecting to get kicked out.

But, somehow, that day never came,

and you ended up staying there for over seven years.

♪ ♪

You really liked feeling untethered to any sense

of responsibility to the property,

but you knew that you would have to escape one day.

Eventually.

You originally found this place on Craigslist

a couple years ago.

The pictures looked nice,

but you could tell it was the real deal from

the alternating capital letters in the subject heading.

Your landlord is asking you for $900,000 for the whole place,

which is way more than you actually have.

That means you're gonna have to borrow the money

from somewhere else,

and you guess most people just get it from a bank.

♪ ♪

But a mortgage seems like an extremely heavy burden

for someone who's afraid of commitment.

It can take as long as 30 years to pay off,

and you've never planned that far ahead for anything before.

And it's hard to tell if you'll regret your decision

once it's too late to change your mind.

You're also terrified of getting ripped off,

and, and for good reason.

You recently went to buy a car from someone off Craigslist,

and it looked like a great deal

with surprisingly low mileage for its age.

The seller seemed a little nervous,

but you didn't think anything of it at the time. So,

you signed the papers and handed over the money.

And he even helped you to put on the license plate,

which was nice.

But when you got home and started going through

all the junk that he left in the back,

you found a second odometer,

and it had a lot more miles on it

than the one behind the steering wheel.

When you brought the car to a mechanic for a checkup,

he took one look at the odometer in the trunk,

and told you it was probably swapped out to fool you.

It seemed like the car wasn't lightly used,

and you fell for it like a, like a sucker.

And if you're not careful,

the same thing could happen with the house.

So, just like anything you buy off Craigslist,

just give it a quick check first

before you accept the offer.

Just make sure it's sturdy.

But when you start to look around,

you start to notice other things that

are wrong with the house for the very first time.

♪ ♪

There are cracks that are forming

in the corners of each room.

There's a big leak coming from your ceiling,

and you'll probably have to get the roof fixed.

Other parts of the house are a millimeter away

from a complete disaster.

And you're also finally able

to see the apartment on the first floor,

and the tiles in the bathroom

look like something awful had...

uh, you thought it was...

it looked like cum.

And the house also seemed to be sinking into the ground.

And you realized that you don't even know

if this house is a good deal,

and maybe you should see what else is on the market first

before you commit to anything.

It's really fun to get a glimpse

into all these interiors around New York City.

You feel like the Invisible Man,

getting to be a voyeur without any consequence.

Even though it seems like some people go through a lot of work

to stay anonymous.

But, you can only browse on the internet for so long

before you have to check out places in person.

So, in the bathroom, there's no sink in the bathroom?

Realtor: Yeah, just the toilet.

Yeah, just the toilet. It's okay.

Wilson: And then you'll just use the kitchen sink for the bathroom.

Great location. A lot of stuff over here.

I'm really close to east Williamsburg, prime location.

-Wilson: Sure. -The price and everything,

and it's manageable for the right person, no?

-Wilson: Yeah. -It's affordable.

So, it's been on the market about 68 days.

-Wilson: Sixty-eight days? -Realtor: Yeah.

Wilson: Hey, I'm John.

You're looking at a one bedroom, two bath.

Upstairs and downstairs. It's hardwood floors.

It's actually a lot of cabinets, open space. You have a breast--

Break-fist table over here.

Wilson: What made you want to get into real estate?

Actually, I've had a passion for real estate

since I was 16.

-Wilson: So wait, how old are you now? -I'm 18 years old.

Wilson: You're... That's a...

-You can be a real estate agent at 18? -Yes, you can.

I took my real estate exam three times.

I just passed.

-Wilson: Yeah. -I just passed,

so being a real estate agent is not easy.

Wilson: Nothing, uh, in your, in your,

in your price range really excited you,

but fortunately,

they don't always check your financials

when you ask to see a place.

So, try somewhere different.

Wait, so how many floors is this place?

-Five. -So, we're four stories--

-No, plus basement. -Five stories.

Wilson: So, like, why the...

What's with the oval ceiling?

Oh, it's just design. I mean, it's a very...

-sophisticated aesthetic. -Here is the kitchen.

-Handmade of walnut. -Wilson: Oh my goodness.

Realtor: And again, the mosaic floor.

Wilson: How many steps are in this house?

Haven't counted.

And the street that this is on

is the most exclusive street in all of Neponsit,

so it's great to be on

a very exclusive street in a beautiful neighborhood.

We gotta go to master bedroom level.

-Ready? -Primary bedroom level.

-Oh yeah, we're supposed to say primary. -I know we are.

Wilson: Primary? Why primary level?

-Because... -Because it's more politically correct.

-It's appropriate to say primary... -Wilson: Bedroom?

...as opposed to master,

even though we were never masters of anybody.

Wilson: You can see the detail in the pool from up here.

-Uh-huh. -It was inspired by an Hermès scarf.

-And if you like entertaining, get ready. -Yeah.

This is a wonderful place

to entertain because the room has the width,

and it also has a little bit of a curvature.

Wilson: You're not really sure what they mean by entertaining,

but just to be safe,

make sure you have an act prepared

if you're investing in, uh, real estate.

You looked at a place in Harlem,

and the current owner showed you around.

-How long has this place been vacant? -Um...

Just about maybe...

-six months. -Wilson: The place seemed really nice,

but after the tour,

she told you about a little problem

she had with the person who lived here before.

He did all kinds of strange things.

He stuffed a brush down the toilet,

so we had to replace the entire toilet.

He took a large mirror

from the vestibule and smashed it.

He threw wine in the face of one of the tenants.

The fire department had to come once.

I had to buy all new appliances.

He scaled the front of our building

with a knife

and a switchblade.

He would draw pentagrams on the wall

as well as on our front door.

He was running around naked with a moose head.

He was trying to summon the devil,

and because I'm a praying person,

I wasn't having that.

♪ ♪

Wilson: None of the places you saw

really, ah, felt quite right,

and you're starting to have doubts about

investing in real estate at all.

But when you get back home, your landlord starts

showing you how to take care of her plants in the backyard

when she's gone.

And it seems like she's really depending on you

to keep everything the way she liked it.

If she had to put the building up for sale,

she may have to let all those real estate people come in

and pick apart her entire life,

and you'd probably be kicked out.

Or worse, they could film another TV show here

that isn't your show.

So, no matter how unprepared you are for this,

you know it would make her really happy

if you were the one that bought it. So,

go to a mortgage broker that your friend recommended

to see how much, uh...

mortgage, uh, you can get.

Alright, so I got your credit right now.

So, you have phenomenal credit.

-Wilson: Oh really? -It's amazing. What do you do for a living?

Wilson: Um, I-- I'm a documentarian.

-Oh. Fun. Okay. -Um...

Like, it's kind of like,

uh, memoir...

essay...

um...

It takes place in New York.

Do you have any stocks and bonds

or money in the market that you,

like, you get residual income off of?

Wilson: Um, I have one share of Domino's Pizza.

And, at that point, the mortgage broker

may begin to question if you're actually

financially stable enough.

Whatever you're worried about, we're worried about.

-Wilson: Yeah... -So, we don't wanna lend to somebody

who miraculously got a huge project,

and they never had a project like this,

and it will never happen again.

We need to make sure you're consistent.

Wilson: So you're gonna have to come back another time

with financial documents

and any other proof you can find

that you'll keep making money in the future.

So when you get back home, you start

by drafting a letter as part of your application.

♪ ♪

And then go to your grandma's house

because she keeps the clippings of every review from your show

that was in the newspapers,

and you're sure that the bank would like to see those.

Grandma: See? I got everything, Johnny.

Grandma's not so nutsy after all.

Wilson: And then compile all the good reviews of your show

into a packet that proves everyone loves it,

and hide the bad reviews in a place

that the mortgage broker can never find them.

HBO never gave you any numbers about

how many people are watching your show,

so you have no idea what the ratings are.

So, instead, you can just start looking through

people's windows to get

the data yourself.

You didn't see anyone watching your show,

but you did catch a few minutes of "The Departed,"

which was nice until, uh,

they, until they noticed you filming.

Sorry!

So, just don't mention any numbers

to the broker and bring everything else.

-So, these are some... some reviews. -Broker: Reviews.

So, you're trying to determine that these are--

This is like your proof of continuance?

Wilson: This is kind of... Would this kind of help at all?

No.

Wilson: None of the stuff you brought really convinced her,

but after she went through the rest of your financials,

she said that you, you will actually qualify.

On one condition.

Broker: I know we're using every last dollar of yours

-to purchase this, but for right now... -Wilson: Uh-huh.

...you can't purchase this

without a supplemental income.

-Wilson: Without a tenant. -Yeah.

-Yeah. -Wilson: Okay.

So, if you wanna get approved for a mortgage,

it seems like the only way is to

rent out one of your units

and become a landlord yourself.

♪ ♪

There are no two groups more distinct from each other

than landlords and tenants.

And you're not sure you're ready to switch teams.

If you became a landlord,

you would have to be on call 24/7.

Because if anything went wrong in the middle of the night,

you would be personally responsible for fixing it.

And if you rented out your place,

you would have no control over

what kind of music your tenants played.

Or, or what kind of pets they might sneak in.

And they might throw really weird parties.

And if you're not careful,

they might even try to summon the devil himself.

So, you might have to act like a tough guy sometimes

to stop things from getting out of hand.

But that's not a role you really know how to play.

Maybe if you rent it out to someone

that you could be friends with,

uh, none of this stuff would be a problem.

The situation where you interview a potential tenant

is that they basically always bring their best foot forward.

They're very nice, very polite, very kind, very courteous.

But,

sometimes, that has a way of changing.

Once they get the apartment,

all that sweetness goes out the window.

-Wilson: These are all clients? -Yeah, all these clients.

All these cases are, are sitting in court,

-waiting for a court date, you know? -Wilson: Alright.

What if I like wanted to try

to be friends with my tenants?

I feel sorry for you.

Wilson: Why's that?

It doesn't work out. Doesn't work out.

I've been living here five years.

My landlord and I, we have a great relationship.

We kid around, we don't have a problem.

But I'm sure

that the day I don't pay my rent,

that, that friendship goes out the window.

Wilson: So wait, your landlord lives here?

Yeah, yeah. He's across the hall.

Wilson: Oh really? Could we talk to him?

-Yeah, let me just go get him. -Wilson: Oh, okay.

Quick Evic Owner: He's asking me is it possible

to be friends with the landlord.

Landlord:

-Quick Evic: Come on! Come on. -Landlord: I don't wanna be on that shit!

Wilson: I just wanted to see if you wanted to talk about

-how you have a nice relationship. -Landlord: No, no, no.

-Quick Evic: Okay, his question is-- -Landlord: You doing that?!

Wilson: No, no. The light-- Sorry, the light is off.

You gotta take the emotion out of the equation.

If you're gonna be a landlord, be a landlord.

If you're gonna be a friend, be a friend,

but you can't be both.

Wilson: Maybe he was right.

Maybe you can't be two people at the same time.

♪ ♪

You always thought your landlord

struck the perfect balance,

but even she got to be a little suffocating.

And after a while, you kinda wished

you could just wash your own underwear.

Maybe the secret to a good relationship with your tenants

is to have as much distance between you as possible.

My name is John,

and I am a,

what's called, a land baron in "Second Life."

I've got a real estate office,

and when people teleport into the office,

they can look at pieces of land

and talk to an agent and figure out

which island they want to buy, or.

Yeah, here we are.

This is my office. This is the director, Lorak.

Every single avatar, there's another real person

-on the other end. -Wilson: Oh, she's...

-Wait, so is this like a 9-to-5? -John: Yeah.

Wilson: So, she has to stand there?

-John: Um... yeah. -Wilson: Eight hours a day?

And she's saying, "Good to see you, sir."

-Wilson: Oh. -So, that was really sweet of her. And she's really...

really attractive.

-Just really nice. -Wilson: Yeah.

John: She's really... gorgeous.

Wilson: So how much does a month of rent at a property cost?

Four hundred, U.S.

-Wilson: Four hundred U.S. dollars? -Yes.

For a smaller property, 125.

Occasionally, we'll get a tenant that doesn't pay,

and we'll have to go

and talk with him, and eventually evict them,

which I really don't like to do. I try not to do.

Then they'll explain like, "Oh, my cat had surgery,

and I can't pay this month, so just--"

-Wilson: Wait, their real cat got surgery or-- -John: Yeah.

Wilson: So it's a lot like

getting physically evicted from a real place.

It is, and it can be as traumatic,

and I really feel for the people

that, that we do this to.

I've had several threaten to sue me

in real-life court,

and I've had other kind of threats,

and if there's any way to avoid it, I would love to do it,

but it does-- it does hurt.

Where does the empathy stop,

and the rubber meet the road?

Where do you have to, you know,

draw a line in the sand and go out of business

over someone's feelings?

♪ ♪

Wilson: Maybe, no matter what reality you're in,

being a landlord is always going to cost you

a piece of your humanity,

and there's no easy way out.

Whenever I need a place to think,

I like to do a full loop

on the Staten Island Ferry

because it's free, and you get a great view of the city.

People are also kinda stuck on there,

so they usually don't mind talking to you.

Wilson: Four hours...

The closing date on the house was only a couple days away,

and I still felt completely unprepared to take on a tenant.

Maybe I wasn't ready for all the responsibility

that comes with owning a piece of New York,

and I should just sail away and never come back.

But a big part of me always wanted to grow old here.

♪ ♪

On the ride back, I struck up a conversation with someone

who seemed really good at entertaining.

And it looked like he'd been doing it for a while.

- I know, looks pretty cool, doesn't it? - -Wilson: Yeah.

And I don't even do this kind of magic.

I just like having the skill.

Wilson: It turned out he was actually a ventriloquist,

and he was on his way to a gig in the city.

What do you do for a living? What do you do?

Ventriloquist: You're a driver? Truck driver? Really?

-Yes! Yes! -I can do an impression of you as a truck driver.

What are you doing? "I'm a truck driver." Okay.

Wilson: He really cheered me up.

And when I told him that I might be doing a lot of entertaining soon,

he actually invited me to visit him at his house

to teach me a thing or two.

♪ ♪

He had a really nice place

with a spotless dining room set,

a piano that played itself,

and a whole room in the basement

devoted to his collection of dummies.

"I like his glasses." Yeah. "They're really huge."

Yeah. Well, that's not nice.

And, uh-- "They're really huge." Yeah, they're pretty thick.

"Get some contacts, Johnny." Okay...

That's not nice, huh? Tell him you're sorry.

"I'm sorry you're blind." Alright.

Wilson: I was angry at the doll for, for mocking me,

but somehow, I couldn't hold it against the man

who was actually making him do it.

Are you usually the nice guy and the puppet is the mean guy?

Yeah, kinda. Kinda. "Uh-huh."

I mean, I'm telling him don't do that,

so, in a sense, yeah. "Uh-huh."

But, it's coming from my head, so you're splitting

your personality on some level

'cause you're writing what he would say,

and then performing it as if it wasn't you.

It's kinda interesting, you know?

I would never do what these people say.

Never. You get away with murder with this stuff.

Wilson: I'd never thought of that before.

That you could be two different people at the same time.

Maybe he had found the secret to being confrontational

without damaging relationships.

And maybe all I needed was something like this in my life.

I'm hoping I'm able to do a special

where we can break down the social barriers

and the political barriers.

I just really want people to let go

and enjoy, and life is short.

Wilson: He seemed like a kind soul,

and he gave me a lot to think about.

But just as I was about to leave, I realized that

maybe he wasn't the best role model after all.

Ventriloquist: Do what you love and then you never work a day, right?

-Wilson: Oh. No, you don't... -So, Smokey. "Yeah."

Tell him what you do for a living. "Uh-uh." Why?

"Maybe he's a cop." He's not a cop. "No?" No.

-Wilson: Um-- -He's a regular guy. "Is he really?" Yeah.

Tell him what you do. "Uh-uh." Smokey's a pimp.

"Don't tell him that." Why? "Ain't politically correct."

What are you? "I'm a physical relationship facilitator."

Wilson: I think I have everything I need.

When the closing date arrives,

you head to the lawyer's office and you sit down

to finalize everything.

They keep you in separate rooms

until all the paperwork is filed,

so that there's no foul play.

And then,

you sign everything that they hand you

without reading a single page.

Then, you can finally reunite

and celebrate with your former landlord,

who now, for one night only,

is actually your new tenant.

♪ ♪

She uses the time you have left together

to pass everything she knows down to you.

Oh, put your knee there?

Wilson: Oh, okay. I gotta learn how to sew.

Oh, the oil is right here. Oh, okay.

Wilson: Oh, for the bathroom.

Yeah, I always liked these. Yeah.

These are beautiful... Okay, I'll take them.

You're gonna miss her a whole lot.

But you know in your heart that

she'll just be loving you somewhere else.

And after all her stuff was gone,

and she vacuumed all the dirt off the floor,

her last words to you were,

"Have a nice day. Have a nice life."

And after a big hug,

she takes nearly a million dollars of your money and...

♪ ♪

flies nonstop to Las Vegas.

And even though you try to make the house

your own in little ways,

you'll try to keep all the good traditions

that your landlord started.

And make sure that nobody forgets who was here before.

And no matter who ends up living in your vacant unit,

you're guaranteed to always have a great relationship

because if you ever have any conflicts with them,

you thankfully now have a healthy way

to deliver the message without getting personal.

It might take a little practice to get it right,

but it should work fine,

as long as you don't take it too far.

And as you watch the rain fall

gently on your new house,

you can finally be at peace, knowing that you have

a sense of stability for the first time in your life.

And if you're ever worried about

making big decisions in the future,

all you have to do is just

listen to that little voice in your head,

and everything should be just fine.

This is John Wilson. Thanks for watching.

♪ ♪