Original subtitles

♪♪

(jet tires screeching on runway)

(woman on Intercom speaking French)

HEY, TAKE A WHIFF OF THIS.

MMM, THAT'S NICE.

AH, IT'S RINGING.

I'M GONNA GO.

I KEEP GETTING THIS DUMB RECORDING IN FRENCH.

LOOK, I'LL MEET YOU ON THE PLANE, GATE 7,

DON'T CUT IT TOO CLOSE.

I'M JUST GONNA TRY ONE MORE TIME.

(woman on loudspeaker) LAST CALL FOR PASSENGERS ON T.E. FLIGHT 222 TO WARSAW.

PLEASE PROCEED TO SATELLITE NUMBER 7

FOR IMMEDIATE BOARDING.

S'IL VOUS PLAIT, I'M, UH, SATELLITE SEPT?

(speaking French)

S'IL VOUS PLAIT, UH, SATELLITE SEPT?

(speaking French)

(woman on loudspeaker) CAN I HAVE YOUR ATTENTION PLEASE WOULD MS. ALEXANDER,

MS. ALEXANDER MUST PROCEED IMMEDIATELY

TO SATELLITE NUMBER SEVEN FOR IMMEDIATE BOARDING.

THAT'S MY PLANE.

THAT'S MY PLANE.

MONSIEUR, THAT'S MY PLANE.

THAT'S MY PLANE.

MONSIEUR, S'IL VOUS PLAIT, UH, THAT'S MY PLANE.

YES.

MY PLANE.

YES.

(speaking French, haltingly)

IT'S NOT POSSIBLE, YES?.

(speaking French)

(car engine racing)

UM... CHILE.

(girl) SANTIAGO.

OUI, C'EST BON.

PERU.

LIMA.

OUI, AFGHANISTAN.

LOOK, REGARDLESS OF THE DETAILS, I HAVE TO GET ON

A FLIGHT AND BACK WITH THE REST OF MY GROUP.

OKAY, JUST A MINUTE.

YES, I CAN CONFIRM YOU A FLIGHT TO WARSAW ON FRIDAY.

FRIDAY?

YES, FRIDAY.

UH, WHO ELSE FLIES TO WARSAW?

AIR FRANCE.

NO, NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND, I HAVE TO CHANGE THESE NOW.

THAT'S 2 HOURS.

WELL I-I CAN'T WAIT.

THANKS A LOT.

(rain falling, thunder)

(door buzzer)

(door closes)

CHANTELLE?

HELLO!

(speaking French)

(speaking French, haltingly)

NO, SHE LIVES THERE.

THANK GOD YOU SPEAK ENGLISH.

BUT SHE'S ON VACATION,

SHE'LL BE BACK IN SEPTEMBER.

ARE YOU HER BOYFRIEND?

NO, I LIVE RIGHT HERE.

OH, I'M SORRY.

I FOUND MYSELF IN PARIS, I THOUGHT MAYBE

I COULD STAY WITH HER FOR FEW NIGHTS.

WELL, SHE DIDN'T SAY ANYTHING TO ME.

OH, SHE WASN'T EXPECTING ME.

UH, HOW DO YOU KNOW CHANTELLE?

WE WENT TO SCHOOL TOGETHER IN ST. LOUIS.

AH, ST. LOUIS.

YES.

YES.

WELL, I'M SORRY.

(phone rings)

WELL, I GUESS I'LL JUST STAY IN A HOTEL.

AS YOU WISH.

(speaking French)

ARE THERE ANY HOTELS AROUND HERE?

(speaking French)

♪♪

ARE THERE ANY HOTELS AROUND HERE?

I'M SORRY.

(speaking French)

HOTEL... THAT'S H-O-T-E-L, YOU SPELL IT THE SAME,

I KNOW, I'VE SEEN IT WRITTEN.

ARE THERE ANY HOTELS AROUND HERE?

YES, THERE'S ONE AT THE END OF THE STREET.

I'M GOING IN THAT DIRECTION IF YOU WANT.

THANK YOU.

IS THIS TYPICAL SUMMER WEATHER YOU'RE HAVING?

CERTAINLY NOT BUT I'M NOT USUALLY HERE IN AUGUST.

I DON'T BLAME YOU.

OH, BY THE WAY, MY NAME IS LA PEROUSE,

XAVIER DE LA PEROUSE.

WHAT?

XAVIER DE LA PEROUSE.

MO.

MO ALEXANDER.

YOU KNOW, I DON'T UNDERSTAND THE FRENCH.

THEY'RE RUDE, ARROGANT, TOTALLY UNHELPFUL,

THEY ACT AS IF THE INABILITY

TO SPEAK FRENCH IS A KIND OF DISEASE.

YOU KNOW, I CAN'T QUITE FIGURE IT OUT, DO YOU HATE

ALL FOREIGNERS, IS IT PARTICULARLY AMERICANS OR

IS IT JUST SOME DEEP-SEEDED CULTURAL INSECURITY?

WHY ARE YOU HERE?

OH, GOD.

A FRIEND OF MINE LURED ME INTO CHAPERONING A GROUP

OF STUDENTS, WE HAD A LAYOVER IN PARIS,

I GOT LOST IN THE AIRPORT AND MISSED THE PLANE.

HOW DO YOU DO THAT?

IT'S A LOUSY AIRPORT, I COULDN'T FIND THE GATE.

NO, YOU'RE COMPLETELY WRONG.

CHARLES DE GUALLE IS ONE OF THE BEST

AIRPORTS IN THE WORLD.

WELL, I DID MISS IT AND NOW I'M HERE WITH NO LUGGAGE,

NO CLOTHES, NO SHOES, JUST THESE RIDICULOUS THINGS

WALKING DOWN PROBABLY ONE OF

THE CHICEST STREETS IN PARIS.

YES, IT IS.

FIGURES.

HERE'S THE HOTEL AND, UM, I HOPE YOU'RE STAY

WILL BECOME MORE PLEASANT.

OH, IT REALLY HASN'T BEEN THAT BAD,

I TEND TO EXAGGERATE AT TIMES.

THANK YOU.

GOOD BYE.

YOU HAVE THE MOST BEAUTIFUL EYES I HAVE EVER SEEN.

♪ (harmonica playing) ♪

(speaking French)

UNITED STATES, ST. LOUIS, MISSOURI.

HEY CAROL, YOUR SISTER'S ON THE PHONE.

SHE'S CALLING LONG DISTANCE.

MOMMY, IT'S AUNT MO, HURRY UP.

MO, HI, DID YOU ARRIVE OKAY?

YOU'RE WHERE?

WELL, I GOT OFF THE PLANE TO CALL YOU, I FORGOT

TO TELL YOU ABOUT THE DELIVERY TOMORROW.

HERMAN IS BRINGING IN 20 MORE SEEDLINGS

AND I PROMISED THAT--

YOU DID TELL ME, YOU WROTE IT DOWN.

I DID?

YES, WOULD YOU STOP WORRYING EVERYTHING IS FINE HERE,

EXCEPT FOR THAT IT'S A 107 DEGREES.

LET ME TALK TO HER.

LOOK, IF MARCIA CALLS TELL HER THAT SHE SHOULD LEAVE

A MESSAGE AND A PHONE NUMBER FOR ME

AT THE TRAVEL AGENCY HERE, SHE KNOWS WHICH ONE.

LOOK, I'LL HAVE TO HANG UP.

THIS MUST BE COSTING A FORTUNE.

OKAY LISTEN, I LOVE YOU VERY MUCH, DARLING.

OH, ME TOO.

OKAY BUH-BYE.

BYE.

PARIS. WHERE IS SHE?

WHERE'S THAT?

WELL, IT'S WHERE THEY MAKE RABBIT STEW LIKE WHAT WE'RE

GOING TO DO WITH HARVEY TONIGHT.

OH, MOM.

(knocking at door)

COME IN.

BON SOIR, MADEMOISELLE.

MERCI BEAUCOUP.

I CALLED CHANTELLE, THE PLACE IS YOURS.

SHE INSISTS.

OH, THAT WAS VERY KIND OF YOU.

SHE SAYS YOU ARE VERY GOOD WITH PLANTS AND I AM NOT.

UH, WOULD YOU LIKE TO HAVE DINNER WITH ME TONIGHT?

UNLESS YOU HAVE OTHER PLANS.

OH NO.

NO.

WELL, I MEAN YES.

YES OR NO?

YES.

GREAT.

BY THE WAY, YOU HAVE THE MOST BEAUTIFUL BLANKET

I'VE EVER SEEN IN MY LIFE.

THANKS.

I'LL WAIT FOR YOU DOWN STAIRS.

OKAY.

♪♪

(chuckling)

OH, NO.

THIS IS RIDICULOUS,

IT'S ALREADY CLOSED FOR THE SUMMER.

OH, THAT'S FUNNY, THEY'LL MISS THE TOURIST TRADE.

YES, PRECISELY, THOSE ARE THE VERY TIMES

THEY WISH TO AVOID.

REALLY?

THIS PLACE IS OPEN.

OH IT'S UH, NO, NO,

I THINK WE BETTER TRY SOMEWHERE ELSE.

OH IT'S REAL PRETTY INSIDE, IT'LL BE MY TREAT.

UH, IT'S NOT A QUESTION OF MONEY, NO.

WELL, I DIDN'T MEAN TO IMPLY YOU COULDN'T AFFORD IT,

I JUST MEANT SINCE IT'S MY CHOICE, YOU'D BE MY GUEST.

UH HUH, I'M NOT USED TO A WOMAN PAYING FOR ME,

IT MAKES ME FEEL UNCOMFORTABLE.

OKAY, YOU PAY.

YES.

THE POINT IS, I DON'T THINK WE ARE DRESSED PROPERLY.

WHAT DO YOU MEAN, YOU'RE WEARING A SUIT AND...

OH YOU MEAN, I'M NOT DRESSED PROPERLY.

I DON'T THINK YOU'D FEEL COMFORTABLE THERE.

OR MAYBE YOU WOULDN'T FEEL COMFORTABLE.

DO YOU ALWAYS TURN AROUND THINGS PEOPLE SAY?

ONLY WHEN PEOPLE SAY WHAT THEY DON'T REALLY MEAN.

LOOK, I'M TOO TIRED FOR THIS.

YOU GO AHEAD, I'M GOING TO GET A SANDWICH OR SOMETHING.

COME ON, WHY ARE YOU BEING SO SENSITIVE?

WHERE ARE YOU GOING?

LOOK, WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU?

(indistinct chatter)

I DON'T UNDERSTAND YOU.

YOU ARE VERY RUDE YOU KNOW.

I INVITED YOU TO DINNER AND YOU BEHAVE LIKE A CHILD

JUST BECAUSE YOU'RE--

LOOK, I'M SORRY, I HAVEN'T SLEPT IN 2 DAYS, I'M TIRED,

I'M HUNGRY, I DON'T EVEN WANT TO BE HERE.

ALL IN ALL I'D SAY I'VE HAD A PRETTY ROTTEN DAY.

HAVE A HEART.

YOU'RE VERY PRETTY WHEN YOU'RE ANGRY.

HOW DO YOU LIKE YOUR SPAGHETTI?

EL DENTE?

TOMATO SAUCE?

PARMESAN?

(clattering)

CAN I HELP WITH SOMETHING?

NO, I'M FINE.

IS NESCAFE ALL RIGHT WITH YOU?

I'M AFRAID WE'RE OUT OF REAL COFFEE.

SURE, IT'S FINE.

I THOUGHT NESCAFE WAS REAL COFFEE.

IS THIS YOUR FAMILY?

YES.

YOUR WIFE IS LOVELY.

SHE LOOKS VERY... FRENCH.

WHEN ARE YOU GONNA JOIN THEM?

UH, YOU ALREADY TOLD ME DIDN'T YOU.

SO, YOU'RE A HORPI... HORTI... UH, A PLANT PERSON.

YES, UH HORTICULTURIST.

HORTICULTURIST, YEAH.

I HAVE A NURSERY IN ST. LOUIS WITH MY SISTER CAROL.

UH, YOU SURE YOU DON'T NEED HELP?

I'M LOOKING FOR THE CUPS.

CUPS.

I'LL BET THEY'RE HERE.

NO, ALREADY... OH.

YOU SURE YOU LIVE HERE?

NO, I LIVE IN THERE, THIS ENTERPRISE

IS RUN BY OUR MAID.

THIS WAS TAKEN IN PORTOFINO,

MY FATHER-IN-LAW OWNS A HOUSE THERE.

WE FLY OVER EVERY SUMMER FOR VACATION.

♪♪

(doorbell ringing)

HM, I'D LOVE TO.

MERCI BEAUCOUP, MONSIEUR DE LA PEROUSE.

(horns honking)

OH.

SO, WE HAVE REQUESTED A NEW VISA

FROM THE POLISH CONSULATE THAT WILL TAKE TWO WEEKS.

THAT WON'T WORK.

ACCORDING TO THIS TELEX MY FRIEND SENT ME,

THEY'LL BE IN MOSCOW BY THEN.

A VISA TO MOSCOW MIGHT NOT TAKE US LONG,

WE COULD GET IT IN A WEEK TO 10 DAYS.

IN 10 DAYS THEY'LL STILL BE IN PRAGUE.

LOOK, GIVE ME YOUR ITINERARY AND WE'LL SEE WHAT WE CAN DO.

(indistinct chatter, typing)

MAYBE I'LL JUST GO BACK HOME.

MA'AM, YOU COULD BE STUCK IN A WORSE PLACE THAN PARIS.

IS THAT A SOUTHERN ACCENT I HEAR?

YES, MA'AM.

(phone ringing)

HELLO.

AH, CHANTELLE.

HI, OH THANKS SO MUCH FOR THE APARTMENT,

IT IS SO WONDERFUL.

YEAH.

WHO?

OH, MR. DE LA PEROUSE, YEAH, NO, HE'S GREAT.

HE'S A REALLY GOOD SPORT, BELIEVE ME.

(doorbell ringing]

I'LL JUST BE A MINUTE.

I, UH, GOT THE MESSAGE.

EVEN IN FRENCH CLOTHES YOU STILL LOOK AMERICAN.

THANK YOU.

NOW I'LL TELL YOU A GOOD WAY TO RECOGNIZE WINE.

BORDEAUX WINES ALWAYS COME IN BOTTLES LIKE THIS

AND, UH, BURGUNDY WINES COME IN BOTTLES LIKE THAT,

AND THEN THE RHINE WINES

ALWAYS COME IN BOTTLES LIKE THIS.

YOU KNOW, THIS.

AND NOW I'LL TELL YOU A SECRET.

VERY FEW PEOPLE KNOW THAT IF IT HAS A STAR ON IT,

ON THE BOTTOM YOU KNOW, YOU CAN RETURN IT

AND GET YOUR MONEY BACK ON THE EMPTIES.

IT'S, UH, FRENCH.

NOW TASTE THIS ONE, IT'S A MUCH MORE COMPLEX WINE.

HOW DID YOU LEARN HOW TO SPEAK ENGLISH?

ENGLISH IS A LANGUAGE OF MONEY, I'M A BANKER,

SO I SPEAK ENGLISH.

(speaking French)

OH, MRS. BECKER'S FIFTH GRADE CLASS.

YOU'RE VERY BEAUTIFUL.

ARE WE HOME?

YES.

I'M SORRY, I DID IT AGAIN, DIDN'T I?

I'M JUST SO EXHAUSTED.

NO.

DON'T.

WHY?

LOOK, REGARDLESS OF THE REASONS, IT ALL ADDS UP

TO THE SAME... NO.

HOW DO I OPEN THIS?

YOU'RE NOT ATTRACTED TO ME?

LOOK, LET'S MAKE IT SIMPLE, HOW ABOUT YOU'RE MARRIED.

OH, I WASN'T PROPOSING MARRIAGE.

(scoffing)

HOW DO I OPEN THIS THING?

YOU WANTED TO GO OUT WITH ME SO DON'T TELL ME

YOU DIDN'T HAVE THE SAME THING IN MIND.

I WANTED TO GO OUT WITH YOU.

I WANTED VERY MUCH TO GO OUT WITH YOU.

FROM THE VERY FIRST MOMENT WHEN I SAW YOU STANDING ON

THIS LANDING WITH THAT WATERING CAN IN YOUR HAND,

BUT I'M NOT A LITTLE GIRL ANYMORE

AND I FEEL THINGS DIFFERENTLY NOW.

OKAY.

OKAY.

I DO UNDERSTAND.

THANK YOU AND THANK YOU FOR A BEAUTIFUL EVENING

I WILL NEVER FORGET.

GOOD NIGHT.

♪♪

OH.

(knocking at door)

♪♪

(speaking French)

THEY'RE STILL IN RIA.

STILL IN RIA?

SO HOW MUCH LONGER ARE WE GOING TO HAVE TO HANG

AROUND HERE WAITING FOR THEM?

LOOK, HE'S GOING TO HAVE TO GIVE US SOME IDEA.

(speaking French)

IT'S GOING TO BE A WEEK.

BETTER GO AND TELL THEM?

(speaking French)

(indistinct chatter, phone ringing)

THEY'VE BEEN DELAYED, WE HAVE TO ADJOURN FOR A WEEK.

WHY THE DELAY?

MR. MORIAKI IS TRYING TO CONVINCE THE SAUDIS

TO COVER THE LOAN FOR HALF A BILLION.

SO WHAT DO WE DO, JUST SIT AND WAIT?

WAIT, YES... SIT, NO.

MAX CARRIE, LEARN HOW TO ENJOY YOURSELF.

(speaking French)

(indistinct chatter)

EVERYBODY MOVE IN.

COME ON, HIT IT TO KANSAS.

COME ON, COME ON.

(cheering)

YEAH, GO ON TO SECOND, GO TO SECOND,

GO, COME ON, COME ON.

(shouting and clapping)

ALL RIGHT, COME ON, COME ON, YOU MADE IT.

ALL RIGHT!

I KNEW YOU HAD IT IN YOU.

PARIS IN AUGUST IS REALLY THE PITS.

NOBODY'S HERE TO ANSWER THE PHONE, MY SECRETARY

IS ON VACATION AND HER REPLACEMENT

CAN'T FIX A DECENT BLOODY MARY.

YOU POOR OLD GRASS WITHER.

NOW THE WAY I SEE IT, YOUR WIFE AND CHILDREN

ARE ON HOLIDAY AND YOU JUST NEGOTIATED YOURSELF

A FREE WEEK, PRESUMABLY TO BE SPENT IN BED WITH NATALIE,

MY HEART BLEEDS FOR YOU.

NATALIE LEFT ME.

(laughing)

HER TIMING WAS ALWAYS RATHER GOOD.

I CAN'T EVEN FIND A DATE FOR DINNER TONIGHT.

DO YOU WANT TO HAVE DINNER WITH ME TONIGHT?

SORRY OLD BOY, BUT I PREFER BACON AND EGGS

AT HOME WITH MY WIFE.

AND YOU KNOW YOU ARE ALWAYS VERY WELCOME TO JOIN US.

OH NO, THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

NO?

OKAY.

NIGHT.

(speaking French)

TAXI.

OH XAVIER, I WAS HOPING YOU WOULD GET HOME BEFORE I LEFT.

YEAH, I'M SORRY I HAD TO WORK LATE.

I'M GOING TO A CONCERT.

IT'S AN AMERICAN I MET THE OTHER DAY, SHOULD BE GOOD.

WOULD YOU LIKE TO COME?

NO THANK YOU, I HAD A DIFFICULT DAY.

WELL LOOK, HERE'S THE ADDRESS IF YOU CHANGE YOUR MIND.

NO, NO, I NEVER DO THAT.

NO, HERE TAKE IT.

S'IL VOUS PLAIT.

(speaking French)

OKAY.

HEY WAIT.

THANKS FOR THE WINE BOOK.

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

(music ends, applause)

(indistinct chatter)

I CONFESS THIS WASN'T WHAT I EXPECTED

WHEN YOU INVITED ME.

NO?

WHAT WERE YOU EXPECTING?

I DON'T KNOW, UH, GREEN HAIR I SUPPOSE.

XAVIER, YOU ARE POMPOUS.

OH, SORRY.

IF YOU SAY SO.

IT MIGHT HAVE BEEN JUST AS GOOD

IF IT WAS A ROCK CONCERT.

I'M SURE YOU'RE RIGHT.

I DIDN'T COME FOR THE MUSIC.

MO, WE'RE MAKING A MASS EXODUS TO THE APOCALYPSE,

IT'S JUST DOWN THE STREET, YOU WANNA COME?

I'D LOVE TO.

OKAY.

AREN'T YOU COMING?

HUH?

AREN'T YOU COMING?

NO, THANK YOU, THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

I'M, UH-- NO.

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

(laughing)

NO, IT WAS A FRENCHMAN.

HE KEPT SAYING, YOU KNOW,

THE FAMOUS ENGLISH POET, NOAH BEANROLL.

WAIT, NOAH BEANROLL, AND I KEPT SAYING, "WHO?"

OH.

GOOD EVENING.

YOU MISSED A WONDERFUL EVENING, YOU SHOULD OF COME.

NO, I HAD TO PACK, I LEAVE FOR DEAUVILLE

EARLY IN THE MORNING, SO.

YOU'RE GOING AWAY?

YES, I AM.

YOU REMEMBER ANDREW.

OH, OF COURSE, YOU GAVE A SPLENDID PERFORMANCE.

THANK YOU.

THANK YOU.

BON SOIR.

BON SOIR.

GOOD LUCK, I HOPE YOU MAKE IT TO BUDAPEST OR WHEREVER

YOU ARE GOING AND THANK YOU FOR YOUR CHARMING COMPANY.

GOODBYE.

BON SOIR.

GOODNIGHT.

PERHAPS I SHOULD OF TOLD YOU EARLIER WHAT A

TRULY CHARMING COMPANION YOU WERE, FORGIVE ME.

GOODNIGHT.

BON SOIR.

GOODNIGHT.

THAT WAS HIM?

LOOK, COME ON TO ROME WITH ME JUST FOR A FEW DAYS.

(doorbell ringing)

(footsteps approaching)

UM, I'M SORRY TO BOTHER YOU

BUT ARE YOU GOING TO WATER THE PLANTS?

PLANTS, YES, YES SURE.

I, UH, REPLANTED THE CROUTON IN A SPECIAL KIND OF POT

SO IT WON'T NEED WATERING AND I'LL WATER

THE OTHERS BEFORE I LEAVE.

OKAY, I'M SURE THAT WILL BE FINE.

AND, UH...

ANDREW IS UM...

OH, HE WENT BACK TO THE HOTEL.

OH, NICE GUY.

YEAH.

GOODNIGHT.

GOODNIGHT.

OH WHERE SHOULD I LEAVE THE KEY?

AH, I'LL SHOW YOU.

RIGHT HERE.

HERE.

SINCE OUR CONCIERGE ISN'T HERE.

ISN'T HERE, RIGHT.

YES.

I THINK THAT'S BEST.

OH YEAH, OKAY.

GOODNIGHT.

GOODNIGHT.

YES.

GOODNIGHT.

♪♪

(knocking at door)

♪♪

(speaking French)

WHY ARE YOU SO DIFFICULT?

THINGS JUST AREN'T AS SIMPLE AS THEY USED TO BE.

NO, THINGS ARE SIMPLE, YOU COMPLICATE THEM.

(sighing)

OH.

WAIT.

OH, WAIT, BUT I'VE BEEN WAITING ALL WEEK.

YOU'RE NOT VERY USED TO PLAYING WITH ME.

YOU'RE NOT A WOMAN, YOU'RE A LITTLE GIRL,

YOU'RE PLAYING GAMES WITH ME.

NO.

NO.

♪♪

YOU CAME TO THE CLUB, DIDN'T YOU?

WHICH CLUB?

I SAW YOU... I SAW YOU LEAVING.

WHY DID YOU LEAVE?

NO, I CAME HOME TO PACK.

SO PROUD.

♪♪

YOU'RE SO BEAUTIFUL.

BEAUTIFUL?

YES.

♪♪

MONSIEUR LA PEROUSE?

YOU LEFT THE DOOR OPEN.

(deleted)

YEAH?

IT'S MADAM GIREAURO.

(speaking French)

(speaking French)

(laughing)

YOU'VE RUINED MY REPUTATION.

YOU KNOW THAT?

(laughing)

YOU SMELL JUST LIKE ANOTHER FRENCH MAN I KNOW.

YOU MEAN I'M NOT YOUR FIRST FRENCH MAN?

OH NO, OH.

IS IT TRUE THAT ALL FRENCH MEN HAVE MISTRESSES?

NOT ALL, NO.

DO YOU?

WHAT?

YOU DO, DON'T YOU?

SO WHAT?

WHAT'S SHE LIKE?

SHE'S 89-YEARS-OLD WITH A WOODEN LEG

AND WARTS ON (deleted).

HM, I'LL BET.

HM, SHE UNDERSTANDS ME.

OH GOOD.

YEAH, SHE'S REALLY VISCOUS.

HEY, HOW CAN YOU REMEMBER?

WHAT?

THE SMELL OF THAT FRENCH MAN.

UH, I HAVE A VERY GOOD MEMORY FOR SMELLS.

EVERYTHING... PEOPLE, PLACES, FLOWERS, PLANTS.

WHAT WAS HE LIKE?

WHO?

WELL, THE FRENCH...

THE FRENCH MAN.

YEAH, THIS ONE, YEAH.

AHH, HANDSOME,

CHARMING, FUNNY.

BUT NOW THAT I THINK ABOUT IT,

HE WAS SORT OF A JERK.

(laughing]

OH, YOU FIXED BREAKFAST, YOU'RE VERY QUICK.

MMM, DO YOU HAVE TO GO?

IT'S BUSINESS, YOU KNOW.

WHY DON'T YOU GO BACK TO BED?

NO, I HAVE TO GET UP, TOO.

WHY?

(sighing)

I'M LEAVING TODAY.

OH, YOU'VE GOT YOUR VISA.

NO-NO, NOT YET, THEY'RE STILL WORKING ON IT.

YEAH.

ANDREW AND HIS FRIENDS ASKED ME TO GO TO ROME.

GUESS I WILL.

GREAT.

WELL, IT'S BUSINESS BUT I MIGHT BE ABLE TO GET BACK

TOMORROW IF YOU WAIT.

IF YOU STAY, I'LL STAY.

BUT I WON'T WAIT FOR YOU.

OKAY.

THAT'S FOR YOU.

OKAY, ACTUALLY I BOUGHT IT FOR SOMEONE ELSE

BUT I'D RATHER GIVE IT TO YOU.

DO I SMELL FRENCH NOW?

GOODBYE.

GOODBYE.

NICE MEETING YOU.

GOODBYE.

GOODBYE.

COME HERE.

WHAT?

OH, THANK YOU.

BYE.

BYE.

♪♪

(engine starting)

♪♪

(speaking French)

(deleted)

PARDONNER UN MOI, I'VE CHANGED MY MIND.

(tires screeching)

OH.

♪♪

(grunting)

(groaning)

HEY, MO.

ARE YOU OKAY?

YEAH, YEAH, FINE, I'M FINE.

DID YOU FORGET SOMETHING?

HEY, YOU DIDN'T GO TO ROME.

WHAT'S WRONG?

OH, WHY ARE YOU CRYING?

BECAUSE I...

(chuckling)

I THINK I BROKE MY HAND.

OH NO, NO, YOU'RE SUCH A CHILD.

AND SO ARE YOU, YOU JUST WEIGH MORE.

AND TELL ME, WHAT HAPPENED TO ITALY, HUH?

I DECIDED TO STAY IN PARIS.

GOOD.

WHAT ABOUT DEAUVILLE?

WHICH DEAUVILLE? I HATE DEAUVILLE.

NOW THAT WE ARE HERE, WILL YOU STAY WITH ME?

RIGHT HERE?

NO, NO, NOT EXACTLY HERE, NO.

UNTIL WHEN?

UNTIL SEPTEMBER.

OKAY.

HA, TA DA.

WONDERFUL.

(Mo playing harmonica)

(Xavier gargling)

DO YOU OFTEN COME TO THE UNITED STATES?

OH, OFTEN ENOUGH.

BUT YOU'VE NEVER BEEN TO THE MIDWEST?

I'M SORRY, I DIDN'T KNOW YOU WERE THERE.

OH GOD, UNTIL YOU HAVE BEEN TO THE MIDWEST

YOU HAVEN'T REALLY SEEN AMERICA.

IT IS SO BEAUTIFUL, IT IS JUST CORN FIELDS

AND WHEAT FIELDS SPREAD OUT AS FAR AS THE EYE CAN SEE.

AND THE SKY GOES ON FOREVER AND AT NIGHT THE SKY

IS SO FILLED WITH STARS.

MY GRANDMOTHER USED TO SIT OUT AT NIGHT WITH HER DOG

AND JUST LOOK UP AT THE SKY

FOR HOURS AND HOURS AND HOURS.

SHE NEVER GOT A STIFF NECK?

NO, BUT HER DOG DID.

(sputtering, laughing)

OF COURSE, I CAN DO IT.

YOU CHEATED, ALL THE WAY TO THE MOUTH.

YOU'RE SURE YOU'RE NOT HUNGRY?

NO-NO, HOW COULD I BE AT THIS TIME OF NIGHT?

WHAT THE HELL IS THAT?

FRENCH TOAST, IT'S THE ONLY FRENCH THING

I KNOW HOW TO MAKE.

MMM, BUT IT'S NOT FRENCH AT ALL.

IT'S NOT?

NO.

WHAT ABOUT FRENCH FRIES?

THAT'S VERY DIFFERENT,

FRENCH FRIES ARE VERY FRENCH AND DELICIOUS.

NO-NO, YOU REALLY WANNA HAVE A LECTURE

ABOUT THE HISTORY OF FRENCH FRIES?

NO.

OKAY.

YOU SURE HAVE A VERY FUNNY WAY OF EATING.

WHAT DO YOU MEAN?

LOOK, TRY THIS...

HOLD YOUR FORK LIKE THIS AND USE YOUR KNIFE LIKE THAT.

I DO.

YES, BUT THEN YOU DON'T HAVE TO FUMBLE AROUND.

(scoffing)

I DON'T FUMBLE.

TAKE IT EASY, I'M JUST SAYING

IT'S A TRULY SUPERIOR TECHNIQUE.

LOOK, ONE, TWO, THREE.

I THINK YOU'RE JUST IN SUCH A HURRY TO GET IT

TO YOUR MOUTH YOU DON'T WANNA DO IT THE PROPER WAY.

I'M NOT IN A HURRY, LOOK...

ONE, TWO, THREE.

(scoffing)

TELL ME SOMETHING, ARE YOU EVER WRONG?

NO.

I MAY NOT ALWAYS BE RIGHT BUT I AM NEVER WRONG.

DEFINITELY, IT'S NOT FRENCH AT ALL.

NOT HUNGRY, HUH?

OH YEAH, I GOTTA SHOW YOU SOMETHING WONDERFUL.

YEAH?

YEAH.

YOU SEE ALL THIS WATER?

IT'S A RIVER CALLED THE SEINE AND IT GOES

DIRECTLY INTO THE SEA.

I'M SORRY. (chuckling)

IT THROWS ITSELF INTO THE SEA.

(speaking French)

WHAT'S THE MATTER?

I'LL BE RIGHT BACK.

(speaking French)

♪♪

(speaking French)

(sighing)

♪♪

ARE YOU ALL RIGHT?

FINE.

♪♪

ALL RIGHT, YOU MADE IT.

HELLO.

THIS IS MO.

AND I'M PHILLIP.

HI.

WELL, I THINK MY WIFE IS AROUND HERE SOMEWHERE.

OH WELL, NEVER MIND, I'LL SHOW YOU TO YOUR ROOM.

COME ON IN.

(speaking French)

HOW WAS THE DRIVE?

OH WONDERFUL.

I'VE GOT SOMETHING FOR YOU.

GO AHEAD.

OH WELL, YOU KNOW YOUR WAY.

COME ON.

AND HERE WE ARE.

WHAT A BEAUTIFUL OLD HOUSE.

WELL I HOPE YOU'LL BE COMFORTABLE HERE,

NOW THE NIGHTS HAVE BEEN RATHER CHILLY RECENTLY.

I THINK YOU MAY WELL NEED ONE OF THESE.

AH, LET ME SEE, WHAT ELSE.

OH YES, BATHROOMS ARE THROUGH THAT DOOR THERE.

WELL, IT'S UH, IT'S RATHER RUSTY I'M AFRAID.

NOW THIS IS FRANCE.

YOU'VE DONE WELL FOR A BANKER.

OH, OH WONDERFUL, THANK YOU.

WELL, I'LL LEAVE YOU TO SORT YOURSELVES OUT.

OH, BY THE WAY, WE'LL BE GOING INTO THE VILLAGE

LATER ON IF ANYBODY WANTS TO COME,

THERE'S A, WELL THERE'S A BIG DANCE THERE

ON SUNDAY AND WE'RE HELPING SET IT UP.

WELL, I'LL SEE YOU LATER.

(children playing outside)

IS THAT PHILLIP'S WIFE?

YES.

HI, SILVIA.

ARE THEY FRIENDS WITH ISABELLE?

NO, SILVIA AND ISABELLE ARE WORLDS APART.

♪♪

(speaking French)

(speaking French)

(speaking French)

(applause and shouting)

(speaking French)

I LIKE HER.

SO DOES XAVIER.

OH, I CAN SEE THAT.

(speaking French)

♪♪

(indistinct chatter)

♪♪

DO YOU LOVE ISABELLE?

AH, SHE'S AN EXCEPTIONAL WOMAN.

I KNOW, I KNOW, BUT DO YOU LOVE HER?

WE'RE VERY GOOD TOGETHER, WE'RE JUST LIKE THAT.

YOU'RE NOT ANSWERING MY QUESTION.

LOOK, DROP IT.

YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND, IT'S NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS.

COME ON.

LET'S DANCE.

TELL ME, WERE YOU ALWAYS IN LOVE WITH YOUR HUSBAND?

YES, VERY MUCH SO.

THEN WHY DID YOU DIVORCE HIM?

I DIDN'T DIVORCE HIM HE DIVORCED ME...

HE DIDN'T LOVE ME ANYMORE.

THAT'S NOT A VALID REASON.

ALL RIGHT, PERHAPS I DON'T LOVE MY WIFE.

BUT I NEED HER AND SHE NEEDS ME,

AND IT WAS IN BOTH OUR INTERESTS

TO GET MARRIED AND TO STAY MARRIED.

AND THEN YOU HAVE OTHERS FOR LOVE AFFAIRS LIKE THIS,

UM, WHAT'S HER NAME?

NATALIE.

HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN SEEING HER?

ON AND OFF FOR 3 YEARS.

AND THERE WERE OTHERS BEFORE HER?

UH HUH, A FEW.

THAT'S HORRIBLE.

YOU'RE BEING NAIVE, MO.

AND ISABELLE DOESN'T CARE OR SHE DOESN'T KNOW?

I MAKE SURE SHE DOESN'T.

YOU MUST PUT ON SOME REALLY GOOD SHOWS.

I TRY TO BE DIPLOMATIC.

DIPLOMATIC, THAT'S NOT DIPLOMACY THAT'S DUPLICITY.

IT'S PATHETIC, ALL OF YOU...

YOU, YOUR WIFE, YOUR MISTRESSES.

WAIT A SECOND, YOU ARE ONE OF MY MISTRESSES,

YOU KNOW IT AND YOU KNEW I WAS MARRIED WHEN YOU MET ME.

YOU REASON LIKE A CHILD, GROW-UP.

MO.

GO AWAY.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

I'M DIGGING HOLES FOR THE LAVENDER.

YOU CAN'T SEE A THING.

I DON'T NEED TO SEE, I DO IT BY TOUCH.

YOU DON'T TAKE ME SERIOUSLY, DO YOU?

OF COURSE I DO.

NO, YOU DON'T.

YOU TAKE YOUR WIFE SERIOUSLY, OF COURSE.

AND YOU TAKE YOUR MISTRESSES SERIOUSLY...

BUT I'M JUST A...

ODD GIRL TO FILL UP AN ODD MONTH

THAT YOU DIDN'T REALLY KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH.

BUT MO...

THAT WAS OUR AGREEMENT, WASN'T IT?

EVERYTHING HAS BEEN SO BEAUTIFUL...

LET'S NOT RUIN IT.

DON'T SPOIL THE MEMORIES.

MEMORIES?

♪♪

I HAVE TO GET UP IN 4 HOURS,

DO YOU WANT TO STAY HERE WITH SYLVIA

OR PHILLIP AND I IN PARIS?

YOU ARE STRANGE SOMETIMES.

♪♪

♪♪

AND THEN HE HAD TO GO AND CATCH HIM

AND THEN AFTERWARDS HE TURNS HIM OVER.

AND HE BECAME BLACK. AND HE BECAME--

OH, THANK YOU.

SHE'S SO CUTE.

YEAH, I THINK SO TOO.

LOOK, DON'T BE SO SAD.

YOU FELL IN LOVE WITH A MARRIED MAN.

I KNOW, I DID IT MYSELF.

IT ALWAYS HURTS, YOU UNDERSTAND?

YES, I UNDERSTAND.

AND IT WASN'T SO BAD, WAS IT?

NO, I GUESS NOT.

OH, THE BALL FELL IN THE WATER...

(girl screaming)

SOPHIE.

OH MY GOD.

SOPHIE!

(dog barking)

SOPHIE!

SOPHIE!

(indistinct chatter)

COLONEL VILLA HAS ASSURED ME THAT THE NATIONAL DEFICIT

WILL BE SUBSTANTIALLY LESS THAN WHAT WE EXPECTED.

HOW IS SHE DOING?

I DON'T KNOW.

SHE'S GOING TO BE ALL RIGHT, OKAY.

AS YOU WILL SEE THESE GUIDELINES

CONFORM TO I.M.F. STANDARDS,

WE WILL CUT IMPORTS TO 17 BILLION DOLLARS

FROM 20.5 BILLION DOLLARS.

(policeman blowing whistle)

PLEASE HURRY.

WATCH OUT!

THESE CHANGES WILL PARTICULARLY BE EFFECTIVE

IN THE AGRICULTURAL INFRASTRUCTURE.

WHEN WE GONNA STOP BEHAVING LIKE GAMBLERS

AND START BEHAVING LIKE BANKERS?

OH CARRIE, PLEASE LET'S HEAR HIM OUT, WE ALL KNOW

THAT THE CONSEQUENCES OF A FOLD IS SOMETHING--

PHILLIP, IT'S SYLVIA, WE HAVE TO GO.

COME ON.

(indistinct chatter)

HELLO DARLING, YES YOU ARE.

MERCI, MONSIEUR.

(overlapping chatter)

HI DADDY, I'M IN THE HOSPITAL.

YOU GOT HERE SO QUICKLY.

WE WERE SO WORRIED, ARE YOU OKAY?

COME ON, LITTLE ONE, LET'S GET YOU HOME.

THANK GOD YOU'RE HERE.

SHE'S GONNA BE OKAY.

♪♪

♪♪

(thunder rumbling)

HOW LONG HAVE WE KNOWN EACH OTHER?

ALMOST 3 WEEKS.

I FEEL LIKE I'VE LIVED A LIFETIME WITH YOU.

(voices on TV)

(phone ringing)

HELLO.

HI, IT'S ME.

MO, WHAT TIME IS IT THERE?

ARE YOU OKAY?

OH, I JUST WANTED TO HEAR YOUR VOICE.

NO, I GUESS I'M GETTING KIND OF HOMESICK.

OH MO, WHY DON'T YOU COME HOME?

WE'RE ALL HERE WAITING FOR YOU AND WE MISS YOU.

OH AND THE DAMN RABBIT GOT LOST, JENNY WAS SO UPSET,

SHE'S SLEEPING RIGHT HERE BESIDE ME,

DO YOU WANT TO SPEAK TO HER?

JENNY.

OH NO, NO, NO DON'T WAKE HER.

OKAY.

HI JENNY, NO DON'T YOU WORRY ABOUT HARVEY, HE'LL BE FINE.

THAT'S WHAT MOMMY SAID

BUT WHO'S GONNA TAKE CARE OF HIM?

TAKE CARE?

YOU KNOW WABBITS... THEY'RE A LOT LIKE PEOPLE,

IT'S HARD FOR THEM TO BE ALONE,

HE PROBABLY WENT LOOKING FOR A WIFE.

(splashing)

(speaking French)

(speaking French)

(speaking French)

(speaking French)

(speaking French)

(speaking French)

I'M LOOKING FOR MY KEYS.

JENNY'S RABBIT RAN AWAY AND SHE WAS REAL UPSET.

OH, TOO BAD.

CAN I TALK TO YOU FOR A SECOND?

NOT NOW I'M LATE.

WELL, I HAVE TO MAKE MY RESERVATION TODAY.

OKAY, DO IT.

WELL, I HAVE TO DECIDE ON A DATE, IF I WAIT

TO THE LAST MINUTE THE FLIGHTS WILL BE FULL.

IT'S UP TO YOU.

(speaking French)

(speaking French)

(speaking French)

(speaking French)

MERCI, BEAUCOUP.

(speaking French)

OH, NO IT'S NOT WORKING.

OH, I'LL GO UP THE STAIRS.

CAN I HELP YOU?

OH, THANK YOU, THANK YOU.

IT'S HEAVY.

WHAT'S IN THERE?

OH, IT'S A LITTLE RABBIT.

IT'S FOR MY NIECE IN MISSOURI.

HE'S VERY SWEET.

ARE YOU GOING TO THE TOP FLOOR?

YES, ARE YOU A FRIEND OF CHANTELLE'S?

OH NO.

OH.

DE LA PEROUSE.

BON VOYAGE.

XAVIER, THIS IS FOR MO FROM SILVIA.

THAT'S VERY SWEET, THANK YOU.

LOOK I... I HOPE YOU COME DOWN TO THE COUNTRY

AGAIN AND SEE US SOON.

AND I KNOW SOPHIA AND SYLVIA WOULD BOTH LOVE

TO SEE MO AGAIN BEFORE SHE LEAVES.

AND THANK YOU.

(speaking French)

(speaking French)

(man on loudspeaker)

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

(speaking French)

(frantic yelling)

AH-OH!

(police siren)

(speaking French)

(speaking French)

WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU?

I FELL IN THE RIVER.

HOW DID YOU DO THAT?

I WENT ON THE BATEAUX MOUCHES.

MO, I WARNED YOU ABOUT THAT.

XAVIER, YOU REALLY (deleted) ME OFF,

I'M GOING TO BED, GOODBYE AND GOODNIGHT.

WHY DO YOU ALWAYS RUN AWAY?

WHY DO YOU ALWAYS LIE?

EVERY TIME YOU GET UPSET YOU RUN AWAY.

ANSWER ME (deleted).

ANSWER WHAT?

WHERE WERE YOU?

YOU KNOW WHERE I WAS.

SAY IT.

I WAS WITH NATALIE.

DOESN'T MATTER ANYWAY, THIS TIME TOMORROW

I'LL BE IN NEW YORK.

I WAS AFRAID.

DID YOU, UM...

MAKE LOVE TO HER?

I COULDN'T.

YOU KNOW, MY LIFE, IT WAS FINE--

GOOD STRUCTURE.

AND I WORKED HARD TO KEEP IT THAT WAY

AND NOW IT'S FALLING APART.

DON'T GO AWAY, PLEASE.

MAYBE I'M NOT VERY CLEAR.

I'M TRYING TO TELL YOU

I'M IN LOVE WITH YOU.

♪♪

I'M STARVING.

ARE YOU?

OKAY, I'LL COOK TODAY.

YOU?

YEP, SURPRISE.

THIS I GOTTA SEE.

OH, WE DON'T HAVE ANY BREAD.

OH, WHO NEEDS BREAD.

I DO.

YOU DON'T REALLY NEED BREAD.

OKAY FORGET IT.

NO, (speaking French).

OH, OKAY I'LL TAKE THIS UPSTAIRS AND START LUNCH.

DO WE NEED SOME WINE?

NO, I'LL GET SOME FROM MY PLACE.

AND MO, DON'T RUN AWAY THIS TIME.

GO LEARN HOW TO COOK.

FOUND SOME.

XAVIER.

XAVIER, ARE YOU HERE?

(knocking)

GUESS WHAT I FOUND?

(speaking French)

(speaking French)

ARE YOU AMERICAN?

YES.

CHANTELLE LIVES RIGHT OVER THERE,

BUT SHE'S ON A VACATION NOW.

SHE'LL BE BACK IN SEPTEMBER.

OH, UH-UH, THANK YOU.

PLEASE USE THE LIFT, IT WORKS NOW.

EVERYTHING'S BACK TO NORMAL.

NO, THANK YOU, I'D RATHER WALK.

(door closing)

♪♪

♪♪

WHERE TO?

CHARLES DE GUALLE AIRPORT, PLEASE.

(horn honking)

HEY, HEY!

(tires screeching)

(woman on loudspeaker) LAST CALL FOR PASSENGERS ON TWA FLIGHT #803

(woman speaking French on loudspeaker)

(tapping)

(speaking French)

(speaking French)

(speaking French)

(woman on loudspeaker)

GIVE ME A TICKET FOR YOUR NEXT FLIGHT TO NEW YORK NOW.

I'M SORRY IT'S FULLY BOOKED TODAY

AND YOU WOULD BE TOO LATE ANYWAY.

OKAY, GIVE ME A TICKET TO ANYWHERE-- BUT NOW.

(speaking French)

(speaking French)

MO!

(beeping)

MONSIEUR, S'IL VOUS PLAIT.

OH.

MERCI.

(speaking French)

MO!

MO, WAIT FOR ME!

WAIT FOR ME!

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪